Welcome to "the misery index," where misery loves company.
-Yeah! Yeah! -Yeah!
Jameela: We have scoured the globe
For the world's most miserable true stories,
Then asked a panel of respected psychologists
To rate those stories based on three pillars of misery --
Physical pain, emotional trauma,
And long-term psychological impact.
The higher the combined misery,
The higher it lands on our misery index.
What is going on? What is going on?
Our two contestants must try and decide
How those events were rated for a chance at our grand prize
Of $30,000.
You're about to win some money!
So, let's get miserable.
[ cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Hello. I am jameela jamil,
And welcome to "the misery index."
Tonight, we have two very miserable contestants.
Francine setteducato, who once flashed the wrong guy,
And paul pallotta,
Who once fell down all the bleachers.
And now, from trutv's hit "impractical jokers,"
Please give it up for my family, the tenderloins --
Sal, joe, q, and murr.
[ cheers and applause ]
-Yeah! Yeah! -[ indistinct ]
♪♪
How are you doing, my love? I'm good.
♪♪
You look so cool.
That is the coolest outfit you've worn on this show yet.
[ laughs ] okay.
Well, guys, let's get to know our contestants.
Francine, who did you flash?
It was a super-sexy firefighter.
Not you, q. I'm sorry. [ laughter ]
I decided to spice things up a bit,
Put on a nice trench coat with nothing underneath.
He invited his best friend over and didn't tell me.
So, when I rang the bell, he opened the door,
And I flashed, and it was his best friend.
-It's a good attitude about it. -I like the initiative.
-What initiative. -Paul?
-Yeah? -What happened?
So, I was at this basketball game,
And you know, guy going up for the free throw.
-Yeah. -So, I go to stand up on
The bleacher in front of me... -Oh.
...And I slide down it like a bobsled without bobsledders.
Just like -- woo, woo, woo, woo.
And, I mean, just -- the auditorium laughs,
And what made it worse was he missed
The free throw, lost the game.
-Oh. -I got blamed.
So, uh...
-Yeah. -Aw, man.
Okay, guys, behold, the keeper of all things miserable.
It is the traumatron.
[ audience "oohs" ]
The name of our first game is misery lane.
I'm gonna put two misery markers on the index,
And the first one is...
You're stuck behind a garbage truck for 15 miles,
Which our shrinks rated at a...
32.
And the second one is
Call your boss "mommy" during an all-staff meeting,
Which our shrinks rated at a 50.
[ laughter ]
Okay, so, guys, I'm gonna show each of you an event.
You don't have to tell me the exact number.
You just have to determine if it falls above, below,
Or in between the two cards that you see on the index.
Francine, you're already eyeing up the traumatron.
You get to go first.
Please check out this misery.
Man: Hit it!
[ audience groans ]
And again in slow-mo.
-Oh, my god. -She was so confident
Up until the moment her feet touch the trampoline.
Did you see that?
She was like, "I'm gonna nail this."
There was no chance of that going well.
-No. -You get stuck behind
A garbage truck for 15 miles.
How bad do you think calling your boss "mommy" is
In a staff meeting? That's not such a big freaking deal.
No. 50 I think is really high. I think it's really high.
I think it's worse than that, too.
I mean, listen, you could lose your job doing that
Because you're calling someone from your staff "mommy,"
Which is not something you should be doing.
So, I think, personally,
You dive into the side of your pool will fall...
After call your boss "mommy."
-Ooh! -Alright.
-So, you said it is above.
Let's see what our shrinks say.
♪♪
-Oh! -Come on. Above.
Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.
Please go ahead. Please go ahead.
Yes! Yes!
67! That is correct!
Nice! Alright!
Well done. You just banked yourself $500.
Excellent.
Okay, paul, you and your team, please check out this misery.
What's your name? Man: Andrew.
Okay. Don't laugh.
I want somebody to hold me
And help me wash my hands.
Um... I think your mom's outside.
-Oh, my god. -What?
Bro, that's mouth wash.
[ laughter ]
I think your mom's outside. Bro, no, no.
Can you just... Alright, yeah, that's fine.
Just shut -- can you shut the door behind you?
-You just gotta lock it. -Yeah, I'll lock it.
Thanks, bro. -Aww.
[ laughter ]
That's awesome. That's awesome.
-Oh, my god. -I love that.
I did that same thing this afternoon.
Yeah. How would you have handled this?
Hopefully exactly like that guy did.
He really handled it well, didn't he?
-Yeah. -His first instinct, though,
Was to take his camera out while in the stall with a child.
So, you are saying this from the point of view
Of a kid crawls into your stall while you are doing a dump.
Yeah, and there's no long-term impact by it, I don't think.
No. Yeah. You ever get stuck behind a garbage truck?
It sucks.
Way worse for me than the kid crawling into --
For sure. I agree.
-I think it's under. -Yeah. I think it's under, too.
-Okay. Yeah. -Yeah.
Okay, so, for $500,
Does kid crawls into your stall
Land above, below, or in between?
We are gonna go below it all.
-Yeah. -Okay, you are saying below.
Paul: This is the least worst of it all.
Let's see what our shrinks say.
Good luck, paul. -Alright.
Alright, come on, come on. Alright, here we go. Here we go.
-Down, down. -Come on, buddy. Come on.
-Okay. -We got this.
It's coming down, it's coming down.
Alright, there we go, there we go.
Down, down, down, down, down, down, down!
Stay, stay!
[ buzzer ] no!
Really? So, I'm afraid you are incorrect.
But coming up, the money doubles, and so does the misery.
And later, one of these contestants
Will get a chance at $30,000.
Francine: Alright! Alright, yeah.
[ cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Hello, and welcome back to "the misery index."
So, francine has $500 and paul has zero.
But there's lots more humiliation to explore
Before one of them plays for $30,000.
[ cheers and applause ]
So, for this round of more or less miserable,
We're actually gonna go back to ye olden times.
I'm going to show you each a medieval misery
And you just have to tell me
Which is worse according to our shrinks.
So, paul, I'm afraid you are trailing behind,
So therefore, you get to go first.
-Alright. -Alright!
Let's do it. That's what happened. I was second last time.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
Tell me which one of these bygone brutalities lands higher
On the misery index.
Is it this...
Your groin is split by the wooden horse.
[ groaning ]
Paul: Oh, wow.
Jameela: This miserable mount
Was used primarily on women
As punishment basically for being women,
But back then, they called it heresy and witchcraft.
Gravity plus some weight tied to their feet,
As you can see there, would start to...
Literally split them in half, vagina-wise.
If you want to take anything positive away from it,
That's some craftsmanship on the table.
[ laughter ] indeed.
Or, paul, is this more miserable?
Your knee is crushed by the knee splitter.
[ audience groans ] so...
During the spanish inquisition,
The torturer would crank this device to slowly crush
And mutilate the knee until they got a confession.
The second they showed that to me,
I'd be like, "yeah, whatever.
Yeah, I'm a witch. I'm a witch.
Whatever you need me to be.
Not to put my knee in that [bleep] thing,
I'll tell you whatever you want to know.
I'll do it." -that's true.
Part of me believes nobody deserves something like that,
But then you think at those bangs, and...
You can't have that haircut...
[ laughter ]
...And throw shade at anyone.
[ laughs ]
Murr: Yeah.
-Okay. -It's the vagina for me.
And that is joe's answer for everything, by the way.
[ laughter ]
Paul, for $1,000, which is more miserable?
Uh, we're going with the vagina.
Yes. We're going with the vagina!
Okay, let's first see
Where our shrinks put the other choice, shall we?
-Oh! -I still think we got it.
I'm still with the vagina.
Let's see if you are right.
-Okay, come on. -It has to be higher.
-It's got to be. -It has to be higher.
-Yeah! -Alright!
-That's right! -That is correct.
You just won yourself $1,000 with a vagina.
Alright! Yeah!
I'm not bankrupt!
Okay, so, francine, now, for $1,000, tell me
Which one of these old-timey tortures ranks higher
On the misery index fir you. -Okay.
-Here we go. Here we go. -Oh, gosh.
I have that. [ laughter ]
-Whoa, god. -This is you spend a day
In a scold's bridal,
An iron mask with a metal tongue depressor
That made it impossible to talk
And created excessive salivation.
But no long-term damage?
-No. -No.
Okay.
But the agony of not being able to speak,
I can't imagine. -Yep.
Was that mire miserable, or is this?
You spend a day wearing the shame flute.
Joe: Oh. As you guys know, I love an accessory,
But this heavy iron flute
Was used to humiliate terrible musicians.
Wow. This is hard. The shame flute would be shackled to their neck
And clamped to their talentless fingers,
And then they had to March around town
So people could throw rotten food at them.
[ laughter ]
I'm gonna go on record as saying this is
The most uplifting round of "misery index"
I've ever experienced.
I think it's the tongue.
Anything in your mouth -- -I also --
We need our mouth for everything.
-She's got saliva -- -he's locked up.
-What's that? -He's locked up.
Antiquated? Sure. Effective? We don't know.
But it's worse to be told to be quiet
Just because of who you are...
-Absolutely. Yes. -...Than to be thrown fruit
At because you can't play the flute, so I agree with you.
You are saying that spending a day
In a scold's bridal is worse?
-Yes. -Let's first see where
Our shrinks put the other choice.
Joe: Let's see.
-62. -Really?
-62. -Okay.
I'm pretty confident with my answer.
[ cheers and applause ]
Let's see if your choice is correct.
Let's go, baby.
Yes! Yes! That's awesome.
-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. -Let's go! Let's go!
That is correct.
You have just won yourself $1,000.
♪♪
Don't go anywhere, because when we come back,
Someone is headed home and someone is moving on
To their shot at $30,000.
[ cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Hello, and welcome back to "the misery index."
It all comes down to this, one miserable event
To determine who is the true master of misery
Moving on to play for their shot at the grand prize.
So, francine is in the lead with $1,500,
But paul is right on her heels with $1,000.
That's right! Right on the heels!
Okay, so, I'm gonna show you both an event.
Your job is to tell us where it lands on the misery index,
And the closest guess gets $2,000.
[ cheers and applause ]
Francine, how you feeling?
I'm feeling really good.
Yeah, I'm with my buddies over here,
So I'm not really worried. -[ laughs ]
Either one could win, guys.
Okay, everyone, please direct your attention
To the traumatron for our next misery.
Okay.
Q just made the worst bet of his life.
What are you doing?
So, that's it, buddy. You're a rodeo champ.
You gotta get out there, tell them about your rodeo skills,
And then show them your rodeo skills.
♪♪
Howdy, y'all.
I'm brian quinn. How are you guys?
I'm from a little place called staten island,
New york -- city, that is.
[ laughter ]
Who am I? I'm rodeo champion of the world.
I'm rodeo champion of the world!
[ feedback squeals ]
Here's the part q doesn't know about.
Texas justice. -Yeah.
Whoa! What the hell are you doing?!
Get the hell away from me!
Get the --
Whoa!
[ laughter ]
♪♪
Everybody's cheering.
What are you doing?
♪♪
I'm gonna kill you.
Champion of the world!
Champion of the world. -Yeehaw!
[ laughter ]
Please note that I grabbed my hat before I got dragged.
That's special. That's something, alright?
-Wow. -Okay, so, for $2,000,
Please talk it through and lock in where you think
You get dragged by a horse lands on the misery index.
Just throw out a number. Talk it through there.
23. Okay, but I think it's higher than 23.
[ cheers and applause ]
It's a whole look.
I'm okay with that, too. I think you're right.
Go for it. I'm okay with that, too.
-I think -- -lock it in. Alright.
-Lock it in. -Locked in.
-We're locked. Alright. -I like it.
Let's see who has mastered the misery
By being closest to the correct answer.
Francine, you said getting dragged by a horse lands at a...
-Oh, okay, okay. -...58.
Okay, I like that. I like that a lot. That gives us 48 --
Jameela: And, paul, you said it lands at a...
-Wow! -Oh. Wow.
Whoa.
-Biggest gap we've had. -Yeah.
Paul's following his gut. Okay. Paul followed against your wishes?
-But I actually like it. -I like it.
Okay. Well, let's see what our shrinks say.
-Oh! -Come on. Come on.
Come on! No 47. [ laughter ]
-Come on. Come on. -Come on, come on.
Murr: Come on!
[ cheers and applause ]
Come on!
Unfortunately, that means we're gonna have to now say
Goodbye to francine.
Thank you, guys. Thank you so much.
But paul is moving on and will be playing
For the $30,000 grand prize right after this.
Don't go anywhere.
♪♪
Here we go. Here we go!
Hello, and welcome back to "the misery index."
This is it, and paul has chosen joe
To assist him in the grand prize final round,
The $30,000 margin of misery.
[ audience "oohs" ]
So, paul... -Yes?
...If you win the money, what are you gonna do?
Okay, so, I have a bobblehead collection,
And it's not big enough yet -- -I'm sorry. Say what?
So, bobbleheads are like those -- like --
They do this.
They kind of go like this the whole time.
Okay, so, you have a bobblehead collection?
Right. But it's not big enough.
I want to have a whole wall just, like, bobbles.
So, you want to buy the bobbles?
-Yeah. -Got it.
Okay, so, I'm gonna show you three terrible events
Worth $5,000, $10,000, and $15,000,
And after each one,
You're going to place a range finder
Where you think it lands on the index,
But as the money gets bigger, the range finder gets smaller.
-Okay. -Are you ready to play?
-I am so ready. -I know you are.
The guys are ready, too.
-Yeah, paul. -Yeah.
Alright, everyone, let's get miserable.
[ cheers and applause ]
Alright, we got this, buddy. We got it.
So, your first event is worth $5,000
And has a range of 30 points.
Take a look at this.
Oh, yeah.
[ audience groans ]
Oh, against the door.
-Oh, that hurt. -Oh.
So, I mean, they had one job, and they did it very well.
[ laughter ]
Within a range of 30, where does that land on the misery index?
-The pain's there. -Yeah.
The emotional is...
-You're already vulnerable. -Right.
What, in your mind -- what's the number you have in mind?
I'm thinking, like, 47 to 77.
Probably back that back to a 69.
69. Okay.
Well, your time starts...
Now.
[ audience shouting indistinctly ] maybe go 47?
Yeah, I like that. I feel like right there.
Okay. -I like that.
Good job, paul.
Okay. So, you are locked in between 38 and 68.
For $5,000, let's see where it lands.
-Okay, here we go. -Alright, come on.
Here we go.
Come on. No, no, no.
Stop, stop, stop!
Come on. Come on.
Come on! -Come on!
Slow it down, slow it down! Slow, slow, slow!
[ cheers and applause ]
-Alright! Yes! -That's $5,000.
You just earned yourself $5,000.
-Alright. -$5,000.
Alright, so our next event
Can get you $10,000 worth of bobbleheads.
Okay.
You will have a range of only 20 points this time.
Let's take a look.
This is a loneliness seminar someone held,
And this is what happened.
Would it be a loneliness seminar if people came?
No, you're right. It would be wrong.
I like the way you're looking at it.
Paul even makes the jokes!
He even makes the jokes!
So, no one comes to your loneliness seminar.
Like, put yourself in that position.
Yeah, that could have a long-term effect.
Yeah, you know what, though?
Devil's advocate for a second.
-Okay. -You could throw another one
And maybe somebody comes to that one.
I mean, one strike and you're out?
Right. Right. You're chasing your dreams.
I wouldn't. I wouldn't. I'm an optimist.
But I say it's a 3. [ laughs ]
I'm thinking 45-65, that kind of range.
Oh, okay. Yeah. I think that's...
Okay, so within a range of 20, where does
No one comes to your loneliness seminar land on the index?
Your time starts now.
Okay.
Alright. -Come on, paul!
-Yeah. -Come on, buddy.
Murr: A little higher, a little higher, a little higher.
Locking it in! Final answer!
There you go. Alright.
Paul, you are locked in at 35 to 55,
So for $10,000,
Where did our shrinks rate it on the misery index?
-Come on. All the bobbleheads. -Yes.
Come on, I need bobbleheads.
Come on!
All the bobbleheads.
Keep going, keep going.
Stop, stop! -Yes!
[ cheers and applause ] oh, my god!
The 40s. Yeah. On the money.
-Yeah, paul! -Paulie!
Yes, buddy.
That is correct.
You just banked yourself $10,000.
-Oh, my gosh. -Okay, here we go.
This is it. This is our final misery.
It's worth $15,000, and you, paul, are going to
Have to get it within a range of only 10 this time.
So, stay focused. Good luck.
[ men shouting indistinctly ]
So, you can see he's got a knife.
[ bleeping ]
-Bitch! [ bleep ] bitch! -Do it!
-I'm gonna do it! -Bitch!
Man: Man the [bleep] up. Man the [bleep] up!
I'm gonna do it! [ electricity crackles ]
Oh, my god!
Joe: What the -- what the --
What is --
[ audience groans ]
What the f... I was, like, expecting a little shock.
They're all gone!
This is like something straight out of your show.
It blew them all away!
You watching at home -- kids,
Don't stab a toaster, pass on grass, stay in school.
[ laughter ]
-Okay. -So, probably more pain...
Okay, so, pain. Pain's up there. Sucks. Right.
I mean, emotionally, you're dumb with your friends.
We've all done that.
You're gonna use any household appliance.
You know, you're gonna have a fear of the microwave popcorn.
Your days are done. -Yeah.
What number's in your head? I'm thinking, like, 71 to 81.
Wow. You're going that high? 71 to 81? I think the physical pain in it
Alone is gonna bump it up.
You know, q's a little lower, I'm a little higher,
But sal's saying right in the middle with 70 to 80.
Right there? Yeah. I do.
I think the physical pain is gonna carry it up a lot.
I don't. I don't. I like the high 60s, man.
I mean, it's your decision.
I would just back it down maybe the littlest.
Maybe just to get some of the high 60s.
Okay. I got it. I got it.
I know what I'm gonna go with.
Rooting for you so hard. I feel so anxious. Okay.
So, within a range of 10, where does
A toaster toasts you land on the misery index?
Your 10 seconds starts...
Now.
Alright, alright.
[ indistinct conversation ]
Okay. It's good. It's good. It's good.
75. 75. -It feels decent.
Either way, I get a lot of bobbleheads.
That's right. You got a lot of bobbleheads.
That was a great guess. A great guess.
How do you guys feel about paul's chances right now?
I would have gone a little higher.
Alright.
For $15,000, let's see where a toaster toasts you
Lands on the misery index.
Good luck, paul! -Thank you so much.
Oh, god.
-Come on, paul. -Come on.
-Come on! This is it! -Here we go!
-Here we go, guys!
Up, up, up!
Keep going! Keep going! Keep going!
Oh!
[ audience groans ]
Murr: Wow!
That is incorrect, but congratulations,
Because, paul, you are still going home with $18,000.
That's right. Oh, my god! Thank you!
Thank you. Yeah. -And a bobblehead.
And the cowboy hat.
Yeah. This guy is going up.
That'll do it for "the misery index."
I am jameela jamil, and from me
And the tenderloins and from paul, goodnight.
[ cheers and applause ]
[ indistinct conversation ]
♪♪
Woman: Grandma's house.