Welcome to "the misery index," where misery loves company.
We have scoured the globe
For the world's most miserable true stories,
Then asked a panel of respected psychologists
To rate those stories based on three pillars of misery,
Physical pain, emotional trauma
And long term psychological impact.
The higher the combined misery,
The higher they land on our misery index.
What is going on, what is going on?!
Our two contestants must try and decide
How those events were rated for a chance at our grand prize
Of $30,000!
You're about to win some money!
So let's get miserable.
[ cheering and applause ]
♪♪
I'm jameela jamil, and welcome to "the misery index."
Tonight, we are spanning the globe
To bring you the agony of defeat,
The boo of the crowd, and the blinding pain
Of getting shot in the face with a t-shirt cannon.
Because this episode is all about
The miserable world of sports.
Please welcome our miserable competitors.
Sydney smedley, who once broke her collarbone
In her very first college soccer game!
And abby posner, who crushed her finger while meeting her crush.
And now, from trutv's hit "impractical jokers,"
They made me dress like this -- give it up for the tenderloins,
Sal, joe, q, and murr!
[ cheering and applause ]
♪♪
Hello, it's so nice to meet you!
-Oh, my god! -Can I hug you?
-How are you? -What is going on, by the way?
How are we not addressing this?
I didn't -- I'm not a big sports guy
And the only sports stuff I have
In my house is my daughter's soccer jersey.
So I grabbed it on the way out.
I mean, go, bunnies!
[ laughter, cheering and applause ]
Have you noticed what mine says?
Joe: The tandoori tenderloin!
I have named myself officially as the tandoori tenderloin.
The spiciest of us all!
Who are you guys? What are you dressed as?
My firehouse softball league jersey.
That's richmond avenue firehouse.
That's me, ladder 86.
You'll notice it's very clean because while I went
To many games, mainly just drank.
This is my high school gym uniform.
This is -- this is me and murray in high school, actually!
This is us in high school.
[ cheering and applause ]
Sydney, tell us -- you broke your collarbone?
Oh, my gosh, I'm a freshman in college,
It's my very first soccer game.
I'm super, super excited, I'm on the field.
Out of nowhere this huge upperclassman on the other team
Knocks me over, I fall over,
I break my collarbone in front of
Everyone in the entire stadium
And then I'm out for the entire season.
Jameela: Oh, no!
Okay, guys, behold the keeper of all things miserable.
It's not my outfit, it's the traumatron.
[ scattered groans and applause ]
So the name of our first game is misery lane,
I'm going to put two markers on the index
And the first one is...
"hockey puck bursts your implant,"
Which our shrinks put at a 66.
And the second one is, "you slide into first
And feel something burst,"
Which shrinks rated at a 43.
So I'm going to show each of you an event,
You don't have to to tell me the exact number,
Just if it falls above, below or in between
The two cards that you see on the index.
Sydney, you got to go first.
Check out this misery.
He's going, he's going, he's going --
Aww!
He's dead.
[ audience groans ]
Oh...
Oh!
I love that this guy, probably world-class athlete,
Trained all his life,
And I could do that better than he can.
That's incredible.
Oh, man, this is a tough one.
It was one of the hardest hits I've seen
In any of these videos.
Yeah, I think the pain puts it over the diarrhea,
Which is what they're implying with that.
I think there is -- oh, is that with that's implying?
I didn't know -- you know that song?
♪ when you -- when you're sliding into first ♪
♪ and you feel you're going to burst ♪
♪ diarrhea, diarrhea ♪
In England we have,
♪ it comes out your bum like a bullet from a gun ♪
♪ diarrhea, diarrhea ♪
Oh, my lord.
It's the sexiest show we've ever done.
Oh, so then I think, me personally,
I would say in between. Yeah.
How do you feel -- I agree 100%, in between.
Yeah, I think in between. In between.
In between!
Jameela: Let's see what our shrinks say.
♪♪
Come on, we got this.
I can't look, I can't look.
Drop it. All right, we're on the board.
It's gonna go back.
[ cheering and applause ]
You are correct, and you just bagged $500!
[ cheering and applause ]
Abby and your team, please check out this misery.
[ whistle blows ]
Watch closely, watch the ball very closely.
Oh, it went off.
-Q: It's not coming down. -He celebrates.
He celebrates...
[ laughing ]
Oh!
That is so embarrassing.
My god!
-Wow. -So I'm thinking,
There's no pain, right? -No, no pain.
So, and the other two have pain, something burst either way.
It's embarrassing, you let your team down,
You look like an idiot, it's public -- a public spectacle,
But nothing burst.
Right. You look bad at your job.
We're all saying, it's definitely not above, right?
It's definitely not all the way up,
So it's either in between or below --
For me, I got -- I'm with you, I got to go below.
Yeah, I agree. I go below, too.
I'm going to say below. -Joe: I like it.
-Jameela: Ooh! -Joe: I like it.
Let's see what our shrinks say.
Joe: All right, here we go. Here we go -- ready?
Ready? -Abby: I'm ready.
Here we go. Come on, come on.
Keep going, keep going.
Let's go. Let's go.
[ buzzer ]
Jameela: Oh, no, you were incorrect!
And not by much! It's the one to lose.
Coming up, the money doubles, but so does the misery.
And later, one of these contestants will get a shot
At 30 grand!
[ cheering and applause ] yes, yes.
[ cheering and applause ]
Go, bunnies! Go, bunnies!
Hello! And welcome back to "the misery index,"
Sydney has $500, and abby has nothing.
But there's lots more humiliation to explore
Before one of the players for $30,000!
[ cheering and applause ]
Aw, yeah!
The big clap is great!
I look like a sea -- like a sea lion,
Like -- [ imitates seal barking ]
I'm going to throw you a trout.
Abby, so this time, you're up first.
I'm going to show you two deeply traumatic events
And you just have to tell me which is worse
According to our shrinks.
-All right. -Please tell me which one of
These sad sacks lands higher on the misery index.
Is it this?
"jay cutler autographed football gets zero bids
At a charity auction"?
It started at $100?! Oh, man!
Or is this more miserable?
"couple files a lawsuit after their engagement photo
Appears on erotic novel.
This is book one in the rob gronkowski erotica series."
-Oh, wow. -This just happened to us!
The other day, sal discovered that his photo from "jokers,"
When he worked as a doctor, is being used
To sell erectile dysfunction pills on porn websites.
No way! Joe: 100%
I'm in a lab coat and it's like,
"don't let this happen to you," and I'm like pointing at the...
It's like he's the spokesman.
"warning" -- this is from the back cover --
"warning: Contains some sexually graphic scenes,
As well as a misuse of american footballs
That will leave you wet,
Hard, and everything in between sports."
This is a quote: "suddenly, all I wanted to do was watch
Gronk do his thang-thang --"
[ laughter ] "...On the zone place."
Both are super embarrassing! Yup.
Having your face on an erotic novel is, that's there forever.
Sure. It's their wedding photo, right?
It's a symbol of their marriage, their relationship,
And now it's being used -- and you can't take that down
Off the internet, it's on there forever.
I'm going to call time out.
I think it's a sign, murr, and here's what
I'll tell you, that's in control of you.
It's a little bit more of reflection of what you've done.
This is somebody else has gone and done it out for you.
You know what I mean? Okay, but I'm throwing down
The yellow card because I really have think about
The erotic novel -- -hold up the yellow card.
Oh, god, abby, your parents are fighting, this is terrible.
I am going to say that the face on the erotic novel
Is more miserable.
Let's first see where our shrinks put the other choice.
Good luck. It's gonna be close.
Yeah.
Forty-four, that's beatable.
So now let's see if you're right.
♪♪
-Oh, gosh, okay! -Come on, abby!
[ buzzer ]
Abby, I'm afraid that is incorrect,
But it's not over yet, you still have a round 3, okay?
All right, yes, yes!
Sidney, for $1,000,
Tell me which one of these "no pain, no gains"
Ranks higher on the misery index -- is it this?
[ audience groans ]
Wow! Wow! Oh, my goodness!
I was worse the second time, but what an idiot, though.
-Yeah. -You know what I mean?
Like, fully deserved. -He really thought
He's going to pull that off. -Yeah, yeah.
He's out there breaking glass ceilings, though.
You got to give him his due.
[ laughter ]
Or is this more miserable?
"guy who wrote book on surviving running of the bulls
Gets gored by bull."
You know, I think the word
That we need to concentrate on here is
"gore" -- goring means that the horn punctured
And pierced your innards, you know, pretty much.
And then they -- then they --
Then they move their head around and -- yeah!
For all to see as well, you know, for all to see.
Yeah, and then you add the book into it.
Yeah, I'm going to have to go with
"your are gored by a bull" is more miserable.
Okay, first let's see where our shrinks put the other choice.
Good luck.
Oh, 69 is high!
But now let's see if your choice is correct.
She's already in the lead.
No, we got it, come on, there's no way.
[ cheering and applause ]
That is correct, you just won $1,000.
Don't go anywhere, because when we come back,
Someone is headed home
And someone is moving on for a shot
At $30,000! [ cheering and applause ]
Welcome back to "the misery index,"
It all comes down to this one miserable event
To determine who is the true master of misery.
Moving on to play for their shot at the grand prize.
Sydney is currently in the lead with $1,500
And abby still has zero.
But it's okay. It's not over yet.
So I'm going to show you both the same event.
And your job is just to tell us
Where it lands on the misery index.
And the closest guess gets $2,000.
[ cheering and applause ]
Now, we all know that professional athletes
Have it all -- the fame, the glory,
And, yes, even the misery.
Here to share his tale of woe is the tight end
With a tight end -- from the kansas city chiefs,
It's the super bowl champion, travis kelce!
[ cheering and applause ]
What's going on? What's going on?
Travis, why don't you take it away?
All right, jameela, this is -- so, this is my misery story.
So before every nfl draft, there's a the nfl combine
And all the top prospects either go to the combine
Or they have a pro day, which is the exact same thing
As the combine, it's just at your school.
As soon as I walked on campus, it just wasn't good for me.
I mean, my stomach's aching.
I feel sick to my stomach --
It has something to do with, like,
Either the nerves of this big day
Or the mound of sushi I had the night before
That was just laying underneath the egg and sausage burrito
That I had that morning.
So as soon as I started stretching,
I'm just projectile vomiting across the field,
Just showing these scouts,
You know, I'm ready for the moment.
Ow, wow! All my friends
Are looking at me, just like, "dude, you all right?!
You okay?" and I'm just like,
"yeah, you know... Just fighting the good fight, man --"
[ laughter ] you know?
So I go through a few of the drills
And I finally get to the 40 yard dash
And I'm like, in my mind,
The 40 yard dash in the nfl is huge.
It's like the biggest thing that they judge you on coming out.
So it's my last hope that if I have a good 40 time,
At least these scouts and coaches
Can go back to their teams with something positive.
Yeah. So I get up to the line, man.
I'm -- in my mind, I'm like, "just be strong,
Just be explosive, and get out of the break."
-"explosive"! -So the instant I move,
Boom!
Right out the other end.
And it was double trouble,
Double whammy, there's nothing more awkward
Than shaking a man's hand
In a job interview with puke breath
And lord knows how much burrito is in your pants.
[ laughter and applause ]
And no one knew until now. -Wow.
Travis, thank you so much for honoring us
With that secret story of yours.
We love you! -Sydney, abby, good luck!
Travis, we won't tell anyone!
Okay, so now, for $2,000, talk it through and lock in
Where you think "you crap out during your big interview:
Lands on the misery index.
[ whispering indistinctly ]
Is it traumatic, emotionally?
I think it is.
I mean, if you didn't get the job, maybe?
All right, everyone,
I'm gonna need you to lock in your answers!
♪♪
So everyone is locked in, let's see who has mastered
The misery by being the closest to the correct answer.
Sydney, you have locked in at...
[ sydney groaning ]
Forty-one -- now let's see where abby has locked in.
Forty-six! I think we got this.
Okay, let's see what our shrinks say.
Good luck.
[ cheering and applause ]
[ bell ringing ]
Sixty, oh, my goodness!
So, abby wins, which means, unfortunately,
We are going to have to say goodbye to sydney.
But abby is moving on and will be playing for
The $30,000 grand prize right after this!
Don't go anywhere.
[ cheering and applause ]
Hello, and welcome back to "the misery index,"
Abby has chosen joe to assist her
In the grand prize final round,
The $30,000 margin of misery.
Very scary.
Abby? Yes?
What are you going to do with all this money
If you win -- when you win?
Yes, when I win -- so I just got scuba certified
And I want to treat my family to south africa for a dive trip.
Oh, that's nice, awesome!
All right.
Well, look, I'm going to show you
Three terrible events worth $5,000,
$10,000, and $15,000.
And after each one, you will place a rangefinder.
Why you think it lands on the misery index.
But as the money gets bigger, the rangefinder gets smaller.
How small's it get? Show us.
It gets smaller.
[ laughter ]
Are you ready to play?
-I am ready. -Ready to go!
Ready! We're ready to go!
Let's get miserable.
All right. Here we go.
Your first event is worth $5,000
And has a range of 30 points.
Take a look at this.
"soccer player traded for hotel reservations."
They only got 12 rooms
And it was only worth $4,056.
What?! Oh, wow.
Emotionally, that's super embarrassing.
And for a long term trauma,
You're going to remember that forever,
That your team thought you sucked so bad
That they traded you for hotel accommodations!
It's like a career-ender, a little bit.
Yeah, like no one's going to want the hotel guy.
Yeah. Yeah. What are you thinking,
Number-wise? I'm thinking like it's not
Going to be much lower than 40,
Something like 40 to 70 percent.
Do you think, like, 42 to 72?
Yeah -- I would like a little bit of the thirties,
So maybe 35 to 65? Okay, okay.
So, with a range of thirty, where does
"you get traded for hotel reservations.
Land on the misery index? Your time starts now.
Maybe six...
Yeah.
Five, four -- okay.
We are locked in between 37 and 67.
So for $5,000, let's see where it lands.
We think you got it. We think you got it.
Let's go, let's go, okay, come on,
It's not a 10, 20, move it up.
Move it up, keep going, keep going, keep going,
Keep going -- good, stop, it's gonna stop now.
Yeah!
Nice work! Yes! Yeah!
Yeah, go, bunnies! Let's go, bunnies!
That is correct,
You just banked yourself $5,000.
[ cheering and applause ]
So this next event is worth $10,000,
And you will have a range of 20 points this time.
Let's take a look.
Oh, dear.
Oh, oh, he's in the -- oh!
Oh, my god!
Now he's staring.
Now he's jumping off.
Announcer: ...Cart there, and it finally took
Someone to stop it.
I love the guy that was on it and had the ability to stop it,
But decided just to bail.
Be like, "this is somebody else's problem!"
-It's a first down, though. -You have 20 --
First down? First down.
That's right. Nice, sal.
This is, "you are tackled by a cart."
There's definitely pain. Don't know how much pain.
The emotional trauma -- I mean,
People are laughing at you a little bit.
That's true. Because we just did.
And it's viral, so...
I'm thinking 40 to 60. Forty to 60?
That's exactly where we're at.
I'd be a little higher, but, you know.
What's your woman's intuition saying?
My intuition says to trust these wonderful people
Who are all agreeing on the same number, so...
Let's do it. Okay, within a range of 20,
When does "you are tackled by a cart" land on the index?
Abby, your 10 seconds starts now.
Here we go.
Go for it!
Five, four --
Okay. All right.
Okay, mate, you are locked in between 40 and 60.
Now, for $10,000, where did our shrinks rate it
On the misery index -- let's find out.
[ chanting ] scuba! Scuba! Scuba!
Scuba! Scuba! Scuba!
-Hold your breath! -Come on, abby!
Stop, stop, stop.
Yes! -Nice!
Jameela: Almost right in the middle!
Correct, you just won $10,000.
She had nothing 10 minutes ago, this is insane!
She had zero dollars.
Yes, we turned it around.
Okay, here we go, our final misery
Is worth $15,000 this time.
And you are going to have to get it within the range of only 10,
So it's got to be fairly precise.
Good luck. Take a look at this.
It's jameela.
Yeah, this is live footage of me walking on stage today.
They're going to take the cup!
Here they go.
[ laughs ] oh, my god.
Fix the step!
Is there a co leak in the arena?
It's like a lemming -- lemmings playing hockey.
So these are seven and eight year olds who,
The day before, had been helped down by their teacher;
This day, they wanted to do it by themselves.
And I think they learned their lesson.
I'm thinking like eight to 18, is that too low?
No, no, no. Yeah, that's too low.
Very bad reaction to that, okay, abby.
We haven't seen very single digits.
If you want to get the -- if you want to get the teens in there,
I would go at least 15 to 25.
-Okay. -We think 20s it's gonna be.
Let's do 17 to 27. That's great.
Okay, so within a range of 10, where does,
"your ice hockey team can't skate" land on the misery index?
Your 10 seconds starts...Now!
Trust your gut, but I'd rather the 28 than 17.
Okay. Okay!
Come on, abby!
Here we go. Okay!
How do we all feel about abby's answer?
I like that you caught the end of the teens.
I feel good. I feel good about.
I think it's 27, so for me, you covered it.
-Okay. -Okay, nobody breathe.
Nobody's breathing.
I can't breathe in the shirt anyway.
Okay, you are locked in, abby,
Between 18 and 28.
For $15,000, let's see where,
"your ice hockey team can't skate"
Lands on the misery index -- this is one of the harder ones
We've ever had. For sure, sure.
For sure. It's super subjective.
Okay, okay. Good luck, abby!
Come on, come on, come on.
Stop, stop, stop, stop--
Yes!
♪♪
Abby, you're going home with $32,000.
You had no money! You had no money!
Oh, my gosh!
So, that'll do it for "the misery index,"
I'm jameela jamil, and for me
And abby and the tenderloins, good night!
[ cheering and applause ]
Joe: So good, so good.
-Congratulations. -Wow.
Go, bunnies! Go, bunnies!
Oh, my god!
[ cheering and applause ]
♪♪
Woman: Grandma's house!