Welcome to "the misery index," where misery loves company.
Yeah! Yeah! Yes!
We have scoured the globe
For the world's most miserable true stories
And asked a panel of respected psychologists
To rate those stories based on three pillars of misery --
Physical pain, emotional trauma,
Long term psychological impact.
The higher the combined misery, the higher it lands
On our misery index.
What is going on? What is going on?
Our two contestants must try and decide
How those events were rated for a chance at our grand prize
Of $30,000.
You're about to win some money!
So let's get miserable.
[ cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Hello. I'm jameela jamil.
And welcome to "the misery index."
So, tonight, we have two very miserable contestants.
We have brenna crowe, who once accidentally
Drenched her doctor in blood.
And josh worster, who once broadcast
His pee break to a live audience.
[ laughter ]
And now from trutv's hit "impractical jokers,"
Give it up for the tenderloins, sal, joe, q, and murr!
[ cheers and applause ]
Hey! Boom!
[ cheers and applause ]
You're going down. There she is, there she is.
Here we go. Jameela, always a pleasure to see you.
Jameela: Always lovely to see you guys.
Brenna, blood? What happened?
Yeah, so he was trying to insert an I.V. Into my arm,
And he hit an artery.
Blood exploded everywhere like a volcano,
Covered him head to toe,
And nurses had to come rushing in
And sit on my arm to stop the bleeding.
-What? -Oh.
Let's sue. Here's my card. Thank you.
And, josh, what happened?
I just had finished singing a song
In a musical, had to rush off stage,
Needed to pee so bad, but forgot to turn my mic off.
So everybody in the whole theater heard
The sound of my piss amplified.
So embarrassing.
That's a good song, though.
[ laughter ]
I hope they thought so, too.
Okay, guys, behold the keeper of all things miserable,
My favorite thing in the world, the traumatron.
Right.
And the name of our first game is misery lane.
I'm going to put two misery markers on the index,
And the first one is surprise! Your spouse has another family.
Okay.
Which our shrinks rated at a fair 82.
Yeah, that makes complete sense. Definitely.
The second one is...
No one remembers you at your high school reunion.
Sad. Which our shrinks rated at 47.
I think the artist did a great job of recreating q.
That guy's name is brian.
[ laughter ]
Okay, so, guys, I'm going to show each of you an event.
You don't have to tell me the exact number.
You just have to determine if it falls above or below
Or in between the two cards that you see on the index.
Brenna, you get to go first.
-All right, let's do it. -Please check out this misery.
Good luck.
Q: Oh, boy, this isn't a great start.
Whoa!
Oh, oh, ooh!
Oh, oh!
Oh!
They definitely got a splinter.
Here's where jameela goes, "don't worry, they're fine."
They're not dead.
How?!
Would you rather cheated on, or would you rather
Get just a forest all over your face?
I would rather get cheated on.
[ laughter ]
Think of how long they had to be stuck under there, too.
The emotional trauma of that.
Your spouse bred other life, another family.
I know, but it's a lot of wood in your face.
-I know. -In both situations.
Jameela: In both accounts, yeah.
[ laughter ] we said the same thing.
Sorry.
Don't clap us. We're animals.
[ laughter ]
That's a good point.
Well, brenna, for $500,
Does your crushed by rolling logs land above,
Below, or in between
Surprise! Your spouse has another family
And no one remembers you at your high school reunion
On the misery index?
I'm thinking above. What is your gut instinct?
My gut says above, but...
You are crushed by rolling logs.
Yeah, but you're crushed by your spouse cheating.
[ laughter ]
So, brenna?
I am going to go you're crushed by rolling logs is above.
All right. I agree. I agree.
Jameela: Okay, you've said it is above.
I support you. I agree.
That's high 80s, low 90s. It has to be.
You're crushed.
And now it's time for us to see what our shrinks say.
Joe: It's got to be. It's got to be.
I mean, the speed at which those logs hit those people.
-Keep going up. -Come back. Come back up now.
You're going way too slow.
[ cheers and applause ]
Oh, 92?
Whoo! 92!
Well, brenna, you are correct
And you just to go $500.
Strong start. There you go.
So, josh, check out this misery.
And this is tough. It is.
Listen, give you an example
Say you have to get up in the wall,
High ceiling, vaulted ceiling.
Just walk right up.
This is not gonna end good.
It's very safe. It's durable.
Do you have a license?
-Oh, really? -Don't keep going.
It's still okay, it's still okay.
Brenna: Oh, god.
Why still go? You know it's not right.
This clip looks like it's from the 1700s, by the way.
Why's it look so old?
Okay, so for $500, does the product you're selling fails
Land above, below, or in between
These two chords on the index,
Your instinct was between?
Yeah. I think it's lower
Than the high school reunion.
The high school reunion is your identity,
Your sense of self. Your gut says in between.
So you want to go in between?
You guys make a good point. That's what they pay us.
We have been wrong before.
They pay us for our solid knowledge of products
But they pay us regardless of whether
We're right or wrong.
[ laughter ]
You know, I think it's close,
But let's go slightly lower than the high school reunion.
Jameela: Josh, I just feel said that it was slightly.
Let's see what our shrinks say.
[ chuckles ] I hope we steered you right.
We'll see.
-Come on. -Come on.
Back down, come on.
Okay, make a left.
Back down. Keep going, keep going.
[ cheers and applause ]
That's the definition of slightly lower.
Okay, so you are correct.
You have banked yourself $500. Well done.
[ cheers and applause ] all right.
Coming up, the money doubles, but so does the misery.
And later, one of these contestants
Will get a shot at 30 grand.
[ cheers and applause ]
Hello, and welcome back to "the misery index."
So, brenna has $500, and josh also has $500.
Yeah, he does. Yeah.
But there is lots more humiliation to be had before
One of them plays for $30,000.
So much more. So much more humiliation and money.
The name of our next game is more or less miserable.
So, josh, this time, you are up first.
I'm going to show you two deeply traumatic events,
And you just have to tell me which one is worse
According to our shrinks.
For $1,000, tell me which one of these carnal catastrophes
Lands higher on the misery index.
Is it this?
"woman swinger, 52, at sex festival
After overdoing it during group activities."
What a way to go.
[ laughter ]
I always wonder when these people die,
She just had a heart attack, but what do you say at the funeral?
She was surrounded by loved ones.
[ laughter ]
Or is this more miserable?
"man hospitalized after wife puts 'chastity nut' on his penis
While he slept."
-Oh! -The metal nut had been
Placed there by his wife after she found out he allegedly
Had a habit of sleeping around.
Chastity nut? Chastity nut
Is a great porn name.
Just so you know,
This not had to be cut from his penis using...
A saw.
Oh!
Better than a blowtorch.
[ laughter ]
I don't know if the artist has ever been to an orgy.
That is not what it looks like.
No, no, joe that checks out.
Okay. Jameela: Yeah, that's normal.
-Right, q? -That's not how it works.
This is how we go. That's how we go.
[ applause ]
That's how I do it.
Can we all recreate that right now?
When your [bleep] goes to prison...
You can't say that on tv.
When ernest goes to jail,
That's probably really rough.
You know, the trauma of that.
You wake up to that.
And you went to the orgy on your own accord.
He never feared for his life
When his crank was in...
In a crank.
Yeah, listen, my gut says it's the prison [bleep]
I agree. I agree.
Okay, so, josh, for $1,000, which is more miserable?
I think it's going to be your wife puts
Your [bleep] in prison.
-Yeah, I agree. -It's all of us against murray.
Wow! -I agree.
Let's see what our shrinks say.
-Oh, a tie. A tie. -Oh, boy.
Need prison [bleep] to be 77, and I said that on television.
[ laughter ]
Let's see if you're right. Good luck.
♪♪
Yes! Yes yeah!
Ooh, that was close. Wow!
So well done. You have just won yourself $1,000.
[ cheers and applause ] more money.
Okay, brenna, how are you feeling? You all right?
I'm good. I'm ready. Let's do this.
Okay. So, brenna, for $1,000,
Tell me which one of these moving violations ranks
Higher on the misery index?
Is it this?
His car has been stolen.
Oh.
[ laughter ]
-[bleep] -oh, god.
-Oh, my god. -Oh, my gosh.
Stole my car.
Joe: Stole our car?
Wow! If I'm going to jump on a car or risk my life
To save a car, it ain't gonna be that.
Absolutely not.
That is a clunker.
Or is this more miserable?
"four michigan men arrested
For driving horse and buggy while drunk.
Deputies caught them tossing beer cans
Out of the buggy at 4:00 p.M.?
Sal: Photos.
None of us would get upset.
They look like they had a good time.
[ laughter ]
This is clearly some fun high jinks
With a horse and buggy,
Or you may get killed by your own piece of crap car.
Yeah, and if your hands get slippery and you just
Start falling off.
Right. Or he turns on the windshield wipers.
Oh, my god.
They probably don't work in that car, let's be honest.
You're right. They probably don't work in that car.
Brenna, which one do you think is more miserable?
Your car gets stolen and so do you,
Or you are arrested for drinking and buggying?
Your car gets stolen, and so do you
Is definitely more miserable.
And now it's time for us to see what our shrinks say.
Low, low, low, low, low, low.
57.
Well, the haircuts were broadcast to the world.
[ laughter ] that, that.
That's a reason. That's a 57.
[ laughter ]
Okay, let's see if your choice is correct.
Good luck.
It has to be, it has to be. Come on!
Give us that $1,000.
Yes!
Jameela: 66!
That is correct. Well done.
You just won yourselves $1,000.
[ cash register dings ]
Do not go anywhere because when we come back,
Someone is headed home and someone is moving on
For a shot at $30,000.
[ cheers and applause ]
Welcome back to "the misery index."
It all comes down to this one miserable event
To determine who is the true master of misery,
Moving on to play for their shot at the grand prize.
Brenna has $1,500.
And josh also has $1,500.
Guys, I'm going to show you both the same event.
And your job is just to tell us
Where it lands on the misery index.
And the closest guess gets $2,000.
[ cheers and applause ]
Alright. Whoever has the most money
At the end of this round is the one who will move on
For a chance at 30 grand.
[ cheers and applause ]
Brenna.
[ exhales deeply ] it's been close.
How are you feeling? I'm feeling like a winner.
[ applause ] ah.
I like the confidence.
-Josh? -I'm ready to get miserable.
Let's do this. Joe: Yeah!
He even used the tag line.
Please, everyone, direct your attention to the traumatron
For our next misery.
We are at the state fair meadowlands
For sal's punishment, and I have never been
More excited in my life.
Joe: When sal showed up today, we took his car keys.
We decided to hide them in the elephant poop.
[ laughter ] no, that's -- no.
I didn't want to say anything, but with the crapped before,
I heard a "beep-boop."
[ laughter ]
[ chanting "finding those keys!" ]
Oh, no.
Oh.
[ laughter ]
It's a little deeper, buddy.
I'm gonna be here for a while.
Bare handed?
-Oh! -Ah!
That's awful.
[ laughter ]
[ audience groans ]
Did deep.
Shut the [bleep] up!
[ laughter ]
Where the [bleep] is it?!
[ laughter ]
Oh!
This is the worst thing I ever did!
[ laughter ] oh, my god.
No.
Look at him.
Oh, I was supposed to put it in there?
[bleep]
[ laughter ]
Beep, boop, boop.
[ laughter ]
It's still so fun.
Q: It works. It still works.
You have touched me with those hands?
[ laughter ]
That doesn't sound good.
[ laughter ]
Okay, so now for $2,000, talk it through
And lock in where you think you have
To search through elephant shit lands on the misery index.
What's your number?
I think before we say anything.
I was thinking over 60.
Just wash your hands, and you're kind of done.
Yeah. Want to go 20?
That's why I want to bring it down a half.
Yeah, then maybe 40s. Yeah.
Okay, guys, I'm going to need you to lock in.
We're in.
[ cheers and applause ]
Everyone is locked in.
Okay, so let's see who has mastered the misery
By being closest to the correct answer.
Brenna, you said that having searched through elephant shit
Lands at a...
-Oh! -...22.
Q: That's perfect, that's perfect.
-Whoa! -Yeah.
Okay, and, josh, you said that it lands at a...
Are you guys crazy?! ...43?
That's what the man said. There's no way.
Let's see what our shrinks say.
[ applause ]
-Come on! -Come on.
Oh, stay there.
[ cheers and applause ]
[ bell dinging ]
Congratulations, josh, you just won $2,000.
Unfortunately, that means that we are going to have to
Say goodbye to brenna.
But josh is moving on, and he will be playing
For the $30,000 grand prize right after this.
[ cheers and applause ]
Whoo!
Hello, and welcome back to "the misery index."
So josh has chosen joe to assist him
In the grand prize final round, the $30,000 margin of misery.
[ audience "ooh"s ] alright.
So, josh, if you win it all,
What are you going to do with the money?
Well, I'm a piano player, so 30 grand
Is going to go for a baby grand.
-Oh! -Oh, so nice!
So sophisticated. Joe: Sophisticated.
Okay, so I'm going to show you three terrible events
Worth $5,000, $10,000 and $15,000.
After each one, you will place a range finder
Where you think it lands on the misery index.
But as the money gets bigger,
The range finder becomes smaller.
[ exhales deeply ]
You ready to play?
I'm ready. So let's get miserable.
[ cheers and applause ]
Sal: Here we go, josh. We're on your team now, buddy.
Joe: Alright.
Josh, your first event is worth $5,000
And has a range of 30 points this time.
Take a look at this.
[ grunts ]
Oh, he's lifting, he's lifting.
He's stumbling. Get it.
[ groans ] he's not feeling good.
Get -- no.
[ audience groans ]
And he's out. And he's out.
This is the sole reason I don't work out.
[ laughter ]
Okay, so what are you thinking?
Listen, there's a lot of physical pain there
That -- ouch.
The emotional pain...
He threw out a "ohh," everybody's looking at you.
I'm kind of thinking 60 to 90.
I don't think it's going to be a 90.
So I might back that down a little bit just so you get
A little piece of the 50s.
Okay, so within a range of 30, where does
"your workout doesn't work out" land on the misery index?
Your time starts now.
Come on, josh. Come on. Go, go. There you go.
[ cheering ]
Okay, you are locked in between 54 and 84.
For $5,000, let's see where it lands. Good luck.
Alright, come on, it does this all the time.
Alright, we need to climb, we need to climb.
Come on, come on, come on.
Go, go, go, go, go.
It's up there. It's gonna be up there.
[ buzzer ]
One used baby grand coming at you.
[ laughter ]
So that is incorrect.
I'm afraid you did not bank $5,000.
But it's okay because this next event is worth $10,000,
And you'll have a range of 20 points this time.
Look at this.
"thieves try to steal petrol from bus,
End up siphoning raw sewage."
[ audience groans ] joe: Oh, man.
Just to be clear, we were sucking on
What he thought was the petrol pipe,
But actually it was the poo pipe.
Man, sucking on the poo pipe, that ain't good.
That's emotionally scarring. Yeah.
I think that's high, for sure.
Traumatic. That's gross, traumatic.
Can't get that taste out.
No, not at all. What are you thinking?
Close to 75, 80.
-Oh, oh. -Okay, so that's...
Josh.
Don't listen to them. Listen to yourself.
So you think 75.
I think you're crazy. That's too high.
Okay, alright.
I mean, I would cover the same ground.
I you would say, you know, 49 to 69.
Okay, well it's time. Within a range of 20,
Where does, "oops you slurped sewage" land
On the index? Ugh.
Your 10 seconds starts now.
Murr: Come on, josh. Come on.
Something in the 40s, 45.
Jameela: 3, 2, 1. Lock in.
[ applause ]
Okay, you are locked in between 44 and 64.
For $10,000, where did our shrinks rate it
On the misery index?
Let's find out.
All right. All right, all right. Come on.
Come back up.
Climb, climb, climb.
Get up there!
Yes!
[ cheers and applause ]
Alright!
-That's it. -Nice work, bud.
Correct! You have just banked yourself $10,000.
That feels good. That feels good.
Here we go. Our final misery is worth
$15,000 this time.
And you're going to have to get it within a range of only 10.
-Okay. -Okay.
Good luck. Take a look at this.
"man survives trip through wood chipper.
'it caught me pretty bad,' he said.
He suffered a broken pelvis, a shattered ankle,
A bruised liver, a broken leg,
And a cut so deep that it crushed his knee,
Seven broken ribs, and a collapsed lung.
That's it?
[ laughter ]
Yeah, I was actually going to say,
I feel like that's not even a very effective wood chipper.
No. He looks fine.
-Yeah, yeah -that's some of the worst
Physical pain. 100%.
Emotional trauma, you think you're going to die.
Yeah, that's up there. It's up there for sure.
I would say somewhere around 90.
I'd say 80 to 90.
Digging through elephant dung was a 48.
Okay, so within a range of 10,
Where does "you go through wood chipper" land
On the misery index?
Your time starts now. Here we go.
Murr: Come on, josh.
Q: What are you thinking, bud?
Jameela: 5, 4, 3...
-Okay. -Alright.
You're locked in.
Shall we, guys? Guys?
Survived, survived.
They're coming to give you moral support.
This is tense. Those high 90s
Right now are scaring me.
But I'm staying positive.
Hey, guys, there's only one way to find out.
Yeah.
Okay, for $15,000, this is it.
Let's see where it lands on the misery index.
Come on, josh. We all want this for you.
-Come on, bud. -It's gonna be dramatic.
Jameela: Gonna come back up. It's gonna come back.
[ indistinct shouting ]
Going up, going up, going up.
Yes! Yes!
[ cheers and applause ]
-Yes! -Congratulations!
That is correct, and it means that you are
Going home with $28,500.
[ cheers and applause ]
Wow!
That will do it for "the misery index."
I'm jameela jamil, and for me and the tenderloins,
And josh, good night.
[ cheers and applause ]
♪♪
That was insane.
It's gonna be good piano.
♪♪