Welcome to "The Misery Index," where misery loves company.
-Yeah! Yeah! -Yeah!
Jameela: We have scoured the globe
for the world's most miserable true stories,
then asked a panel of respected psychologists
to rate those stories based on three pillars of misery --
physical pain, emotional trauma,
and long-term psychological impact.
The higher the combined misery,
the higher it lands on our misery index.
Oh! Oh, my God!
Our two contestants must try and decide
how those events were rated
for a chance at our grand prize of $30,000.
You're about to win some money!
So, let's get miserable.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Hello! I am Jameela Jamil,
and welcome to "The Misery Index."
Tonight, we have two very miserable contestants --
Lindsey Coffey, who grew up in a haunted house,
and Nick Molinaro,
who once saw his penis on his mother's TV.
And now from truTV's hit "Impractical Jokers,"
please give it up for the Tenderloins,
Sal, Joe, Q, and Murr!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah!
Sal: Oh. How are you?
Pleasure to meet you, Lindsey. So nice to meet you. Pleasure to meet you, Lindsey. So nice to meet you.
[ Laughs ]
We've already physically assaulted Nick
at the beginning of the game,
so I guess I'll start with you, Nick.
Nick, tell us about your penis.
[ Laughter ]
Well, so my mom was trying to find an episode
of "The Sopranos" on our Fire Stick.
And little did I know, my phone was synched up to the TV,
so one thing leads to another, my dick pops up on the TV,
And then, you know, I try to say, "Well, it's not me.
It's not me," and she's like, "Well, you know what?
I changed your diapers. I know what you look like."
It hasn't changed since then? Oh! It hasn't changed since then? Oh!
Stop!
Lindsey, please tell us what happened.
I grew up in an actual haunted house --
I'm not even kidding -- like, real ghosts.
No! So, like, things went down, okay?
So they tormented me.
They would throw my cell phone, like, across the hall.
They would flick lights on, radios on,
and then they would steal my jewelry,
which doesn't make sense 'cause they're not wearing it
so I don't know why I can't just get that back.
[ Laughter ]
Okay, guys, well, now we know our contestants.
Please behold the keeper of all things miserable.
It is the Traumatron.
[ Cheers and applause ]
The name of our first game is Misery Lane.
I am going to put two Misery Markers on the index.
The first one is Barber Slices Half Your Ear Off,
which our shrinks put at a...
completely fair 77. -That's right. That's right.
And the second one is You Attend 5-Hour Wedding:
No Drinks, No Food.
That's why you go to weddings.
Jameela: Which our shrinks rated at a 47.
So I am going to show each of you an event.
You don't have to tell me the exact number.
You just have to determine if it falls above, below,
or in between these two cards that are on the index.
Lindsey, you get to go first.
Please check out this misery.
[ Engine revs ]
Murr: Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I don't like this.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, my God, he's gonna fall.
He's gonna fall, he's gonna fall.
Wait. Oh! Oh, shoot! Oh, my God.
[ Audience "Ohs" ]
Oh, he's still going.
Okay, he's in the water. Q: He's still riding.
He's in the water.
Whoa! My God.
It's bad. That's crazy. That's really bad.
Can you give us any details on sustained injuries?
Very few sustained injuries, truly,
just like a scratch and one small bruise.
But take into account,
like, how terrifying that must have been --
60 to 70 feet off a deadly cliff.
[ Laughs ] Yeah, I mean, the physical -- [ Laughs ] Yeah, I mean, the physical --
I mean, you're gonna get some rock burn in that.
Yeah, I'm sure it hurt a little bit.
I think it's more of like the traumatic thing
of thinking you're gonna die for those 20 seconds
or whatever it is. For sure. Like, which breath is gonna be your last?
Like, he was thinking that. Yeah. Like, he was thinking that. Yeah.
Slicing off the ear is forever,
but that guy thought he was going to die.
When you get your ear cut off,
I don't think you think you're gonna die.
No. I mean, motorcycle guy, he lived, so it's not like --
It's just a few scratches.
It's more psychological 'cause, like, you know,
but like, yeah, that barber guy, it's permanent.
My gut -- in between. That's my gut.
I think we're split here. My gut is --
I mean, it's gonna be so close,
but I think it's a little bit worse than your ear cut off.
I can see where you're coming from. I don't know.
But I'm also in between in the middle, as well.
So for $500, does You Motorcycle Off a Cliff
land above, below, or in between the two cards on the index?
It's hard, but I'm gonna do in between.
You have said it is in between.
Let's see what our shrinks say.
It's gonna be close.
Oh, my God, no, no, no, no.
I hope it's in between. Come on, come on. Okay, a little further.
A little further, a little further.
And stop, and stop, and stop, and stop!
[ Buzzer ] Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
I am afraid you are incorrect.
You did not bank $500, but now you know
who your stronger teammate is.
Right. Not true.
Okay, Nick, it's time for you and your team
to check out this misery.
The gentleman is a very effective spokesperson for the company.
Obviously, the people who live there
are not satisfied with his explanation.
Right. So what do you want now?
Well, if I have to teach you
how to be a reporter, Ollie,
I'll do that later.
Why don't you do that later, Jim?
I think the lady expressed herself,
and you're not here, you're there.
What is the question you'd like me to ask her?
And, no, I-I -- I'll -- I'll give you lessons
on how to become a reporter later on.
I'll give you some lessons on how to be an editor
because I was your boss once.
Yeah, you were and are no longer. How did that happen?
Oh, shit!
Ohh! Oh, shit!
Oh, you want it? You want some?
Wow! Jameela: The question here really is, Wow! Jameela: The question here really is,
"Who [bleep] whose wife?"
[ Laughter ]
Nick, what do you think?
There's no physical pain involved in that.
There's a lot of emotional trauma involved in that.
You are fighting on TV.
That is really bad.
I'm in between.
The ear thing, as Sal said before and was incorrect,
all his points still stand. [ Audience "Ohs" ]
Q: Yeah. I was.
I agree. Yeah.
Also, I mean, I fight with my coworkers on TV every day.
Yeah. Valid point.
In fact, I've made a career out of it,
so I'm gonna say "in between."
Okay, so for $500,
does You Fight With Your Coworker on Live TV
land above, below, or in between?
I'm gonna say it lands in between. Joe: That's my boy. I'm gonna say it lands in between. Joe: That's my boy.
That's my boy. Jameela: You're saying it lands in between. That's my boy. Jameela: You're saying it lands in between.
Okay, let's see what our shrinks say.
Q: Right now.
-Stop. -Stay, stay, stay, stay, stay.
Drop 62. Give me a 62.
Alright, it's playing with us. Give me a 62. Alright, it's playing with us. Give me a 62.
Come on.
Give me a 62. Come on. Come on. Give me a 62. Come on. Come on.
50! Whoo!
Jameela: You are correct, and you just earned yourself $500.
Coming up, the money doubles, and so does the misery.
And later, one of these contestants
will get a shot at $30,000.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hello, and welcome back to "The Misery Index."
So, Lindsey has zero and Nick has $500,
but there is lots more humiliation to explore
before one of them plays
for $30,000.
[ Cheers and applause ]
So, Lindsey, you currently have nothing,
so we're going to let you go first.
I'm going to show you two deeply traumatic events,
and you just have to tell me which is worse,
according to our shrinks.
So for $1,000, tell me which one of these bodily betrayals
lands higher on the Misery Index.
Is it this?
"Woman, 21, allergic to water
is left in burning pain from a single drop."
Oh, my God. Oh, geez. That's so weird. Oh, my God. Oh, geez. That's so weird.
Jameela: She says, "I'll start crying
because of a reaction on my body
and then have one on my face, too."
She's allergic to her own sweat, tears, and urine,
which would be the problem for me
because I need it on my face.
[ Laughter ]
If she touches it, it feels very intense,
and it burns for like three hours.
It burns when I pee, too, but unrelated.
[ Laughter ]
Or, Lindsey, is this more miserable?
Hi, I'm Lisa Graves,
and I've had the hiccups for 12 years.
[ Hiccups ]
It can go anywhere from 20 in a day...
[ Hiccups ] ...to 150. [ Hiccups ] ...to 150.
[ Hiccups ]
And I'm still no closer to being hiccup free.
-[ Hiccups ] -Somebody needs to scare her.
Lindsey: Yeah.
You can't go in a pool. You can't take a shower.
You can't get caught in the rain.
You can't pee. Clearly, hiccups is worse.
But I will say,
I used to hiccup up in my sleep occasionally,
and it woke me up, and it is annoying.
So, like, it might be a little more than...
no, I'm kidding.
[ Laughter ]
I think it's definitely gonna be Allergic to Water.
Yeah, her skin burns. Yeah.
Okay, so, Lindsey, for $1,000,
which one is more miserable?
Hands down, the water. Oh, yeah. Hands down, the water. Oh, yeah.
Hands down, the water, you say. Yeah.
Let's first see where our shrinks put the other one.
Whoa! What?
Joe: Yeah, no, that's right, though.
Wow, that's really high!
Jameela: 86.
Oh, my goodness, if this is low... Wow.
Okay, now let's see if you're right.
That is high. That's really high. That is high. That's really high.
Joe: I expected that, though.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh! Oh!
One more. One more. We did it -- a thousand bucks. One more. One more. We did it -- a thousand bucks.
Yes!
-Oh, my God. Oh, my goodness. -Well done.
That is correct. You just won yourself $1,000.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Okay, Nick, now this is your chance to win $1,000,
so tell me which one of these sacred sufferings
ranks higher on the Misery Index.
Is it this?
"Golf course rearranged
after nuns struck by rogue balls."
I have a movie at home that has the same plot.
[ Laughter ]
Or is this more miserable?
"Mega church closes branches
after pastor calls women 'penis homes.'"
Joe: That's my movie. That's a movie I have.
We here at Team Nick believe that penises belong
almost everywhere -- TVs. Yes.
Women, men, nuns.
Anybody could do it. Anywhere.
So here it's a -- you hit the nun with a golf ball.
You did that, okay? Yeah.
So you're doing that.
The pastor referring to stuff.
It's your pastor. That's not on you. Yeah.
I got to disagree with you guys.
You hit a nun with a golf ball.
She's near a golf course. It's gonna happen.
You're in church worshiping with people of your ilk,
and this guy's representing you and your faith.
I think that'll shake someone more to the core.
And keep in mind, the physical pain for the nun
isn't the pain you're feeling.
So there is no physical pain in that pillar.
Yeah, yeah. So I would do a swap-ski. Yeah, yeah. So I would do a swap-ski.
I say pastor.
Looks like there's trouble in Nick-ville.
I'm just hoping I don't pull a Sal here
and I'm wrong.
Nick, what are your instincts?
My instinct -- I got to go with Joe just a little bit
just 'cause it's you doing the action.
So I'm gonna say that you hitting a nun
with a golf ball is more miserable.
You have said that hitting a nun
with a golf ball is more miserable.
Let's first see where our shrinks put the other choice.
Good luck.
50. Okay. You could beat 50.
Alright. We can beat a 50. Beatable.
-So now... -50's beatable.
...let's see if your choice is correct.
Q: Come on, bud, come on, bud. Come on, bud. Come on, bud.
[ Buzzer ] What?! [ Buzzer ] What?!
It isn't by a long shot.
Murr: Ah!
Do not go anywhere because when we come back,
someone is headed home,
and someone is moving on for their shot
at $30,000.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hello, and welcome back to "The Misery Index."
It all comes down to this one miserable event
to determine who is the true master of misery,
moving on to play for their shot at the grand prize.
Lindsey currently has $1,000,
and Nick is right on her heels with $500.
Catch up. Catch up. Everybody loves an underdog.
Tonight, we are going to put your ears to the test.
You're going to have to rate the misery based solely
on what you can hear, and that means no video.
And our shrinks did get to see the whole clip with video,
but you won't until after you lock in your score,
so it's very unfair, it's very miserable,
and I love it.
Whoever's closest to our shrinks' score
wins the round, so let's play The Sound of Misery.
Let's have a listen.
[ Two men speaking foreign language ]
[ Man shouting in foreign language ]
[ Man screams ]
[ Man shrieks ]
[ Man shouts, shrieks ]
What the hell?
I think that's audio from Lindsey's haunted bedroom.
[ Laughter ]
Lindsey: That's an EVP for sure.
It's one friend trying to help another friend
in a dire situation, but one friend's
having more fun than the other one.
Something's repeatedly happening, right?
Almost like bungee cord -- like he's jumping, right?
Q: Right. You know?
For $2,000, talk it through and lock in where you think
this awful audio lands on the Misery Index.
Okay, so, you have to -- We're most likely rating --
What do you think? 40s? 50s?
Ooh, geez. I think that's too low. I think that's the safest. Ooh, geez. I think that's too low. I think that's the safest.
42 is in my head for some reason.
I was gonna say 38.
All right, contestants,
I'm gonna need you to lock in your answers.
Yes. Great. Perfect. Yes. Great. Perfect.
-Locked. -Locked.
All right, it's locked.
Lindsey, what do you think this video is gonna be?
I think it's just a situation
where the guy's inflicting pain upon him,
and it's just getting worse and worse each time.
Nick, what do you think happened?
I was thinking, you know, there is laughter in there,
so I'm thinking it's somebody's messing around with each other.
One guy definitely doesn't like it,
but it's not gonna be anything
where you got to go to your therapist, you know?
It's maybe you're not gonna be friends with the guy. Who knows?
So definitely lower on the scale. Boom! So definitely lower on the scale. Boom!
Okay, well, before we reveal our scores, let's take a look
at the video behind this miserable clip audio.
[ Two men speaking foreign language ]
-Ohh! -Damn it!
-Later for you! -Later for you.
-Damn it! -No!
-The camel is coming -- -He's coming --
Bite him! Bite him hard!
Please, bite him hard! Break skin.
Lindsey: Oh, no!
[ Man screaming ]
Jameela: So he's not even trying to bite him. Oh, no.
Our thing was a camel trying to get a baguette.
Now that we have seen the video,
let's see who has mastered the misery
by being closest to the correct answer.
This determines who moves on in the show.
[ Sighs ] Sorry, Lindsey. So, Lindsey, you said [ Sighs ] Sorry, Lindsey. So, Lindsey, you said
You Are Harassed by a Camel lands at a --
probably quite dramatic -- 59.
We got this!
Drop it!
And, Nick, you said Being Harassed by a Camel
lands at a... Q: Boom.
Boom! ...40.
Yeah!
So let's see what our shrinks say.
Get ready, Nick!
Get ready to celebrate, Nick! Get ready, Nick!
-No! -Here we go.
Do the Nick! Get ready! Bring it in!
-We got this! -Here we go!
Sal: 20. Do the Nick!
-20. -Oh!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Nick, you did it! You son of a gun! Nick!
Jameela: Oh, Nick wins!
Unfortunately, that means
that we're going to have to say goodbye
to the lovely and gracious Lindsey,
but Nick is moving on and will be playing
for the $30,000 grand prize right after this.
Do not go anywhere.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Welcome back to "The Misery Index."
So Nick has chosen "Q" to assist him... Thanks. So Nick has chosen "Q" to assist him... Thanks.
...in the grand prize final round,
the $30,000 Margin of Misery.
Oooooh.
So, Nick, if you win, what are you gonna do with the money?
I've been studying French recently,
so I would love to just take a trip to France,
immerse in the culture, and drink a lot of wine.
Nick's gonna treat himself!
Treat yourself, Nick!
I'm going to show you three terrible events,
worth $5,000, $10,000, and $15,000.
After each one, you will place a range finder
where you think it lands on the index.
But as the money gets bigger,
the range finder gets smaller.
Are you ready to play?
I'm so ready. Okay.
Then let's get miserable.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Ooh.
Nick, your first event is worth $5,000
and has a range of 30 points.
Take a look at this.
[ Train whistle blows ]
[ Gasps ]
A train?
So he's getting a selfie video ready
and then gets kicked in the head.
It was the conductor's boot.
There is no way that was an accident.
[ Laughter ]
He saw him getting ready, fixing his hair,
and just... Put it out there.
Ohhh.
Well, he didn't get hit by a train,
so get that right out of your head.
It's not a train. That would skew everything.
It's a foot.
Okay, so within a range of 30,
where does You Get Kicked in the Head by a Train Conductor
land on the Misery Index?
There's the physical pain involved
and definitely that emotional trauma.
My gut's telling me like 35 to 65 -- something in there.
I-I do think over 50 might be a little...
Yes. We're asking too much. Yes. We're asking too much.
Yeah. If it was me, I would be comfortable
with a 20 to 50,
'cause then you're covering everything. Okay. Yeah. 'cause then you're covering everything. Okay. Yeah.
Okay, well, look, your time starts now.
I don't think it's less than 25.
So I think we're okay. Murr: Lower, lower, lower, So I think we're okay. Murr: Lower, lower, lower,
lower, lower, lower, lower, lower, lower.
5, 4, 3... Got this. Got this. 5, 4, 3... Got this. Got this.
We got this. It's done. It's done.
You are already locked in, and it is between 25 and 55.
I feel really good about that answer.
I'm glad that you went up a little bit.
So for $5,000, let's see where it lands.
Okay, here we go.
Joe: Come on, Nick. Kick in the head.
-Come on, Nick. -Nick's the man. Nick's the man.
Nick needs some Pinot!
Keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going.
We're safe, we're safe. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yes! That's just junk! That junk was in the 50s.
Yes, Nick! Whoo! I'm still with you, baby! Below 50. Yes, Nick! Whoo! I'm still with you, baby! Below 50.
Nick, you just banked yourself $5,000.
Yeah! Whoo-hoo!
That's a lot of pain au chocolat.
Okay, so the next event is worth $10,000,
and you will have a range of 20 points this time.
Let's take a look. Come on, focus.
It's not over yet.
"Couple trapped in keyless car for 13 hours."
They said that they believed there was no way to get out
if the doors were locked and they didn't have
the remote control device with them.
You see the lock on the side.
He could just lift it.
I don't know if pain is the right thing,
but you're in discomfort --
13 hours sitting down, not doing anything.
Discomfort. You got to pee.
You got to poop. That's rough. Yeah. You got to poop. That's rough. Yeah.
You don't know if you're gonna die.
That's rough. Yeah. You don't know.
Me? I'd do 45 to 65.
Yeah.
You know, 'cause it's just a lot
of emotional discomfort and trauma.
I'm thinking, you know, that sweet spot of that --
that 45 to 65 kind of covers everything
that it could really, really be in.
Okay, well, within a range of 20,
where does You're Trapped in Your Car for 13 Hours
land on the index?
Your 10 seconds starts now.
Murr: Higher, higher, Nick. Higher, higher.
Higher, higher, higher, higher, higher.
Jameela: 5, 4, 3... They're screaming "higher." Jameela: 5, 4, 3... They're screaming "higher."
Nick: I'm going with my gut.
Okay, you are locked between 45 and 65.
For $10,000,
where did our shrinks rate it on the Misery Index?
Ohh, this is a good one. Let's find out now.
-Come on, buddy. -Come on, buddy!
Come on! Come on.
Stay, stay, stay, stay. Back, back, back, back.
Joe: Come on, Nick. Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. Joe: Come on, Nick. Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!
Oh!
72!
Ohh, wow.
I'm afraid that is incorrect.
You did not bank $10,000, but it doesn't matter
because $15,000 is up for grabs next, right?
Yes! Oh, yeah. That's where we're going next.
It's where we're going next.
So for 15 grand, you're gonna have to get this one
within a range of only 10 points.
Good luck. Take a look at this.
So focus on the two people on the roof.
Guess what they're gonna do.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no! Oops. Oh, no, no, no, no, no! Oops.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, dear.
If we go back into the replay, you'll see she did hesitate --
not to victim shame, but...
Ohhh!
You must not hesitate when you are being a bloody idiot.
Sal: Yes.
Jameela: You have to commit.
So within a range of 10 points this time,
we need to know where you think Bouncing Into a Pool lands
on the Misery Index.
Based on where everything else has been going --
Play the game, baby. Play the game.
Don't let the game play you. That's it.
Like, maybe I'm just not as sensitive
as other people are to these things,
so maybe I got to go a little higher. Yep.
I got to say maybe something in like the 60, 70 range.
Yeah, that's how I'm feeling.
Like something maybe like 62, 72. Joe: Yep.
Okay, well, your 10 seconds starts now, Nick.
-Good luck. -I said 65. He's saying 68.
Nick: I'm gonna keep it at like...
You got to follow your gut. Follow your gut.
Follow your gut.
That was it. That was it. Alright. That was it. That was it. Alright.
-Okay, you've locked in. -Let's see, buddy.
Come on.
Let's see. We got this.
Come on. We got it.
All right, for 15 grand, let's see where
You Bounce Into a Pool lands on the Misery Index.
-Good luck, Nick. -Come on, Nick.
-Come on, Paris! -Let's go, everybody!
Sal: I want to hear you! Come on, it's for Nick!
Let's do it for Nick!
Go! You know you're not 40. You know you're not 50.
[ Audience "Oohs" ]
[ Buzzer ] Whoa!
Jameela: There were no long-term injuries.
She didn't sustain any painful problems.
I'm afraid that is incorrect.
But congratulations, 'cause, Nick, you are still going home
with $7,500.
[ Cheers and applause ]
That'll get you some merlot!
Whoo-hoo!
You cannot touch Nick's spirit.
No, you can't.
You are still flying first-class to Paris, my friend.
That will do it for "The Misery Index."
I'm Jameela Jamil, and for me and the Tenderloins and Nick,
good night!
Yeah, Nick! Yeah, Nick!
That was fun.
56.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪