♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Welcome to "The Misery Index," where misery loves company.
-Yeah! Yeah! -Yeah!
Jameela: We have scoured the globe
for the world's most miserable true stories,
then asked a panel of respected psychologists
to rate those stories based on three pillars of misery --
physical pain, emotional trauma,
and long-term psychological impact.
The higher the combined misery,
the higher it lands on our Misery Index.
Oh! Oh, my God!
Our two contestants must try and decide
how those events were rated for a chance at our grand prize
of $30,000.
You're about to win some money!
So, let's get miserable.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Hello! I am Jameela Jamil.
And welcome to "The Misery Index."
Tonight, we have two very miserable contestants --
McKenzie Miller,
who once caused a couple
to break up during childbirth,
and Justice Rose,
who once accidentally showed cat porn
to strangers.
And now,
from truTV's hit "Impractical Jokers,"
give it up for the Tenderloins, Sal, Joe, Q, and Murr!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Here we go!
Yeah! Here we go!
This is it!
That's what I'm talking about!
We're gonna win! We're gonna win!
Did I hear something about cat porn?
That's Justice, yeah. Justice, what happened with the cat porn? That's Justice, yeah. Justice, what happened with the cat porn?
So, I have a cat named Theodore that I love very much...
Great. ...and I'm always showing off because he's so cute,
and I was flipping through the pictures,
and I happened to land on this picture,
and it was him resting his head on my vibrator,
using it as a pillow.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, my God, you have a cat?
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
So I'm a labor-and-delivery nurse,
and I asked the parents
what the last name of the baby was going to be.
They disagreed, and it started World War III...
Wow. ...and it gets worse.
They ended up breaking up in the middle of her C-section,
and I caused the breakup.
Ohhh. Don't be so hard on yourself. That breakup was coming.
That's true. That's true.
Okay, well, guys, behold the keeper
of all things miserable.
It is the Traumatron.
-Ooh. -Right. It's very scary.
Well, the name of our first game is Misery Lane.
I'm gonna put two Misery Markers on the index.
The first one is Your Grandma Falls Into the Swamp...
-Aw! -Aw!
...which our shrinks rated at a 52.
And the second one is...
Your Date Won't Shut Up About Intermittent Fasting.
That's pretty bad.
Which our shrinks only rated at a 32.
Yeah, that's not that bad. Depends on the date. Yeah, that's not that bad. Depends on the date.
Okay, so, I'm gonna show each of you an event.
You don't have to tell me the exact number --
just if it falls above, below, or in between
the two cards that are on the index. Okay. the two cards that are on the index. Okay.
McKenzie, you get to go first.
All right.
Check out this misery.
Woman: ...are you crying? You would be dead right now if you heard it! Woman: ...are you crying? You would be dead right now if you heard it!
Nothing.
Ohh!
There's no problem whatsoever.
[Sobbing] Ohh! Three times!
-Three times! -Three times!
[ Laughs ]
Three times!
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, wow. -Poor baby.
-Who are these parents? -Yeah.
He stuck around after the first and the second?
After the second time is really when
you think you should move.
Yeah. He was just like, "I can't believe
this is happening again."
[ Laughter ]
What are you thinking when you look at this?
There's no physical pain.
Emotionally, I think I would be messed up for a long time.
It's off the charts. Off the charts.
Jameela: What do we think he heard?
This was too big a reaction for it to just be like...
[ Imitates bed squeaking ] McKenzie: Right.
Is that your impression of people having sex?
You don't all go...
[ Imitates bed squeaking ]
Do you need oxygen? It's not actually how I shag! Do you need oxygen? It's not actually how I shag!
It was a joke!
[ Laughter ]
So, McKenzie, what are you thinking?
I'm gonna say that you hear your parents
having sex three times is higher
than Your Grandma Falls Into the Swamp. Okay. I agree. I agree. than Your Grandma Falls Into the Swamp. Okay. I agree. I agree.
Murr: Okay, I'm with you. I love my grandma, but...
Let's see what our shrinks say. Good luck.
[ Dramatic music plays ]
-Let's see. -Higher.
-It's going slow. -It's got to be higher.
-Go, go, go, go, go, go, go. -I don't like it.
Come on, higher, higher, higher. -Get up there.
It's gonna come back. It's gonna come back.
[ Buzzer ] Ohh! That's it?!
McKenzie, I'm afraid you are incorrect.
You did not bank $500. It's alright.
Justice, you and your team can now check out this misery.
[ Wind blows ]
So you can see they're trying to launch a big kite.
You have lots of people trying to handle it in the wind.
And they start to kind of lose control of it.
[ Crowd screaming ]
-It's a child. -Whoa.
It's a child. It's wrapped up a 3-year-old.
Oh, my God. [ Gasps ]
Jameela: That's a 3-year-old... Oh, my gosh. Jameela: That's a 3-year-old... Oh, my gosh.
...that has accidentally been caught in the kite
and takes off several hundred feet into the sky.
[ Screaming and wind continue ] Oh, my goodness.
So get it! Get the kid! Right? So get it! Get the kid! Right?
Play this -- play this till the end, please.
Oh, my God! [ Laughs ]
They're all filming it. Someone get the child.
Kid's okay. Kid's okay. Oh, they're standing there. Kid's okay. Kid's okay. Oh, they're standing there.
Joe: That's like a fun ride, though.
Sal: Yeah, that looks great.
Good landing. Stuck the landing.
I'm so glad that -- Ohh! Stuck the landing. I'm so glad that -- Ohh! Stuck the landing.
Child flying in the air -- for me, that's way up.
-That's completely past that. -Absolutely.
-Yeah. -Grandma's had her run.
Watch out for the swamp, Grandma. I'm sorry. Yeah.
This kid's got his whole life ahead of him.
You know what I mean? It's got to be. It's got to be.
I definitely agree with my teammates. There you go. I definitely agree with my teammates. There you go.
Flying High as a Kite is way worse than the other two.
-Yeah. -For sure.
Jameela: Let's see what our shrinks say.
I mean, of course we're correct. This is crazy if we're not.
One of the most shocking things.
Go. Get up there. Get up there. Get up there.
Come on! Come on.
Yeah!
There you go! There you go!
Thanks, guys!
You just earned yourself $500. $500! You just earned yourself $500. $500!
Coming up, the money doubles, but so does the misery.
And later, one of these contestants
will get a shot at 30 grand.
[ Cheers and applause ] Well done. Well done.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hello, and welcome back to "The Misery Index."
McKenzie has nothing, and Justice has $500,
but there is lots more humiliation to explore
before one of them plays for $30,000.
Nice!
[ Cheers and applause ]
The name of our next game is More or Less Miserable,
so, McKenzie, you are trailing behind.
I'm going to show you two deeply traumatic events,
and you're gonna have to tell me which is worse,
according to our shrinks. Okay.
So for $1,000, tell me which one of these pet peeves
lands higher on the Misery Index --
is it this?
"Florida community disturbed
by 'emotional support rooster.'"
And the neighbor is asking, "Why isn't it indoors,
providing emotional support?"
Or is this more miserable?
They're doing a little trick with a dog.
[ Audience groans ]
Oh, my gosh!
Sal: Oh-ho-ho-ho!
-Keep your eye on the dog. -They're frozen. They're frozen.
Oh!
The best thing about this video is the way that the dog
jumps back onto the couch and kind of looks around
and is like, "Hey, guys, What happened?
Did something -- Did something happen?"
"Did you guys see that? That was crazy. I didn't do it."
So, McKenzie, for $1,000,
which one would you say is more miserable?
Your Neighbor Has an Emotional Support Rooster,
or Your Dog Smashes the Coffee Table?
I think this is a no-brainer. I think so, too.
I think so. I think so, too.
On the count of three... Yeah.
...say the one key word in the thing that we're thinking.
One, two, three...
Rooster. Sma-- oh.
Wow!
[ Laughter ]
Wow!
The dog smashed through the coffee table.
The coffee table costs $200, $100 to replace.
The dog is okay. The rooster is every day.
This is your neighbors, your livelihood,
interrupting your sleep every single day.
The long-term effect of that --
you can't demand your neighbor get rid of the rooster.
That being said, we are often and regularly wrong.
Correct.
[ Laughter ]
Go with your gut. Go with your gut. Go with your gut. Go with your gut. Go with your gut. Go with your gut.
Gut. Everybody loves dogs.
I'm gonna say Your Dog Smashes the Coffee Table...
-Okay. Okay. -Alright.
...is worse.
Let's see where our shrinks put the other choice.
Good luck.
Okay, 42 is what you have to beat. That's beatable.
That's beatable. It's low. Let's see if you are right.
Come on, now.
♪ Good luck ♪
Let's see. [ Buzzer ]
-Oh! That's -- okay. -It's close, though.
-It was that close. -That's close.
You were almost right. You were still wrong, though,
if we check the books, but you're almost right.
I'm still wrong. I still have zero dollars.
Very close. Justice, it's your turn. Very close. Justice, it's your turn.
So for $1,000, please tell me which one of these cliffhangers
ranks higher on the Misery Index.
Is it this?
Q: Somebody's falling off something. Joe: Here we go. Q: Somebody's falling off something. Joe: Here we go.
"British man stuck in well
with broken leg for six days." [ Audience groans ]
"The cries for help were mistaken
for the wailing of a ghost." Yeah. for the wailing of a ghost." Yeah.
Well, he shouldn't keep yelling, "I got a boo-boo!"
[ Laughter ]
Or, Justice, Is this more miserable?
"Man escapes death after crawling from car
dangling off a cliff edge, only to be hit by a passing bus"!
[ Audience groans ] Oh, my God, that's horrible! [ Audience groans ] Oh, my God, that's horrible!
I think the six days is what puts it over the top.
Like, by the third day,
you're living with your own poop and scat, so...
The six days definitely has more weight on it for me.
My gut's telling me being trapped in a well for six days
with a broken leg is more miserable. I like it. with a broken leg is more miserable. I like it.
-Okay. -And scat. And scat.
-"And scat," she said.
She said, "And scat."
Let's see where our shrinks put the other choice.
Good luck. It's gonna be high. Good luck. It's gonna be high.
They're both gonna be high.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
Oh, that's high. That's pretty high. Oh, that's high. That's pretty high.
We might have eaten a scat sandwich on this one.
So now let's see if your choice is correct.
♪♪
I think you got it.
Yeah!
Oh, my God, that was close!
-Yes! Yes! -Yes!
You just won $1,000. Very good.
Do not go anywhere 'cause when we come back,
someone is headed home,
and someone is moving on for a shot at $30,000!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hello, and welcome back to "The Misery Index."
It all comes down to this one miserable event
to determine who is the true master of misery,
moving on to play for their shot at the grand prize.
Justice is in the lead with $1,500... Yes, she is. Justice is in the lead with $1,500... Yes, she is.
...and McKenzie still has zero. Yes, she is. ...and McKenzie still has zero. Yes, she is.
But I am going to show you both the same event,
and your job is just to tell me
where it lands on the Misery Index,
and the closest guess gets $2,000.
McKenzie, are you okay?
It's not over till it's over. Indeed.
-I'm positive. -So let's get into the game.
Celebrities -- they're just like us -- miserable.
Here to prove it is a man who has served us "Soup"
and built a "Community" of friends.
It's actor and comedian Joel McHale!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hello, Impractical Jokers. I love going on your cruises.
[ Laughter ]
Joel, we -- Great. Thanks for dressing up for the show. Joel, we -- Great. Thanks for dressing up for the show.
[ Laughter ]
Bullshit. You're not even wearing pants, and you know it!
Yeah, that's right, Joel. Show us.
All right.
[ Laughter ]
Jameela's jacket is an incredible thing,
and we have the same curtains at home.
Um, so...
[Bleep] you, Joel McHale.
So you guys want to hear my story.
This was Halloween. I was cooking. I love cooking.
Clearly, the Impractical Jokers enjoy it as well.
And I... [ Laughter ] And I... [ Laughter ]
So I set up the barbecue, and I --
I thought I had -- I had turned it on.
I turned on the gas, and I thought I had lit it,
and I closed the lid.
Then I came back, and I opened it up
and I saw that it was, you know, not lighted.
And I put a match in there,
and that's when the explosion happened.
And there was an audible pop like of the --
of the flame igniting the enormous cloud of gas
I had built around myself.
Did it sound like this? [ Imitates bed squeaking ]
Ignore them.
[ Laughter ]
Uh, it did not sound like... They are dumb.
...people were having sex in the other room.
You see? An explosion.
It's the sound of sex. -Wow!
And it burned off my eyebrows, my eyelashes, my bangs.
[ Laughter ]
And we had to go trick-or-treating,
and I was like, "Well, I got my costume,"
and I walked around with my son,
and I looked like that movie "Powder."
Oh, boy. Yeah. Wow. Oh, boy. Yeah. Wow.
And, yeah, the people still ate what I served,
even though it was covered in my DNA.
[ Laughter ]
Joel, thank you so much for telling us
that horrifying story.
-All right, Joel. -Thank you, Joel.
-Thanks, bud. -Thank you.
Thank you for having me.
Okay, so now for, $2,000, talk it through
and lock in where you think You Explode Your Face
on Halloween lands on the Misery Index.
Physically painful. Yeah.
You burn all your hair off your face, right?
That's like 30. You're shocked.
It has to grow back over time.
Right, but you'll be afraid of --
you'll be cautious around fire.
That traumatizes you a little bit,
but I don't think it's super high.
Time to lock in your answers, everyone.
All right. We're good.
-Okay. -There you go.
Well, everyone is locked in.
Let's see who has mastered the misery
by being closest to the correct answer.
McKenzie, you have said that Your Face
Exploding on Halloween is at a...
58. Oh, yeah.
And now it's time to see where Justice landed
on the Misery Index.
You gave it a...45.
Okay, this is it, guys.
Let's see what our shrinks say.
-Please, please, please. -Oh, God, I don't know.
-Here we go. -Oh, my God, here we go.
Here we go. Aah!
[ Screaming ]
Oh, my God! Yes!
67? Jameela: That means we're gonna have to say goodbye to Justice. 67? Jameela: That means we're gonna have to say goodbye to Justice.
But McKenzie is moving on, and we'll be playing
for the $30,000 grand prize right after this.
Don't go anywhere.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hello, and welcome back to "The Misery Index."
So McKenzie has chosen Sal to assist her
in the grand prize final round, the $30,000 Margin of Misery.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Okay, so, McKenzie, if you win it all,
what are you gonna do with the money?
I want to have a big, extravagant wedding.
I'm not engaged yet, but maybe.
Are you in a relationship?
I'm in a relationship. Yeah. No, no, no.
Oh, okay. 'Cause there's an order to these things.
I know, but --
You think he'll be watching, yeah? Of course.
Why don't you address the camera?
What's his name? Zack.
-Don't do this to Zack. -He's gonna kill me.
He told me not to do this. -Zack, listen up.
He told you not to do it? He told me not to do it. He told you not to do it? He told me not to do it.
Zoom in, please. Zoom in.
-Zoom in. -Oh, don't do it to Zack.
[ Applause ]
Zack, we've been together for three and a half years.
I moved away from my family to be with you.
I love you so much. Mm-hmm.
We have two dogs together, so now I have hopefully $30,000.
So let's get married.
What the [bleep] is that? Three years?
She left her family for you? What the [bleep], man?
I love him. He's a good boyfriend. Two dogs.
He's a good boyfriend. Okay, so, McKenzie, He's a good boyfriend. Okay, so, McKenzie,
I'm gonna show you three terrible events,
worth $5,000, $10,000 and $15,000.
And after each one, you're going to place a range finder
where you think it lands on the Misery Index.
But as the money gets bigger,
the range finder gets smaller.
Are you ready to play?
So ready. Then let's get miserable. So ready. Then let's get miserable.
Go.
[ Cheers and applause ]
McKenzie, your first event
is worth $5,000 and has a range of 30 points this time.
Please take a look.
So you've got a family. They're walking together.
A little girl standing on a --
Oh, no!
Standing on a drain, fell into the middle of the Earth.
Whoa. That was like Hulk strength.
She'll be able to afford
all the therapy she's going to need
because of the size of the lawsuit, I imagine, but...
So that's terrifying.
If I watched my child fall into the Earth...
I'd feel like it was partially my fault, too.
So, like, emotionally, that's traumatic. Yeah, 'cause your eyes weren't on them. So, like, emotionally, that's traumatic. Yeah, 'cause your eyes weren't on them.
Right, right. Even though it's not your fault,
don't beat yourself up over it.
I think because of the emotional and traumatic nature of it,
that I want to start up around 45, 50. Yeah.
A little bit higher. Even higher than that. A little bit higher. Even higher than that.
Yeah, 'cause it's not -- 45 is not --
I feel like 45 is not enough. You're right.
Want to do 55-85? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, let's do it. Want to do 55-85? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, let's do it.
Okay, within a range of 30,
where does Your Child Falls Through a Manhole land
on the Misery Index?
Your time starts now.
Okay, we're feeling good about it.
We're feeling good about it?
5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Higher?
No, I don't think so. I'm locking it in.
Lock in. I'm locking it in.
That's good. That's great. That's good.
You are locked in between 55 and 85
on the Misery Index.
For $5,000, let's see where it lands.
I feel good about this.
I feel good about this, too. Yes, there was no physical pain. I feel good about this, too. Yes, there was no physical pain.
That's a good mark.
All right, that's gonna come back up.
All right, come on. Here we go, here we go.
Keep going, baby. Go, go, go, go, go, go. Keep going, baby. Go, go, go, go, go, go.
Please keep going. As long as we clear 55, we're okay now.
Stop, stop, stop, stop!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yes! Yes!
Uh-oh, Zack! Zack going ring shopping!
Oh, Zack!
Where is it, Zack?!
Correct. You just banked yourself $5,000.
Yes!
That was real.
So this next event is worth $10,000 this time,
and you will have a range of 20 points.
Let's take a look.
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Just pissed off. But...
oh, he took it very badly.
He's very upset.
Oh, my!
I guess --
Oh!
I don't think this one's a big deal. Here's the thing. It was a trip and fall. I don't think this one's a big deal. Here's the thing. It was a trip and fall.
He didn't get his lunch.
I think it's gonna be on the lower scale. I think so, too. I think it's gonna be on the lower scale. I think so, too.
Like, he'll get over it. It's not gonna last forever.
10 to 30?
10 to 30 I feel like is fair.
10 to 30? I think 10 to 30. 10 to 30? I think 10 to 30.
Lower? 8 to 28?
Yeah. Guys?
8 to 28?
Lower? Okay, well, within a range of 20,
where does You Drop Your Dinner land
on the Misery Index?
Your time starts now.
-I think between 5 and 6. -6, 6, 6.
5, 4, 3...
-All right, All right. -I like that. I like that a lot.
Okay, you are locked in between 6 and 26.
High teens, low 20s.
Maybe I just take food too seriously.
For $10,000,
where did our shrinks rate it on the Misery Index?
Good luck.
That feels low as hell.
-Jameela! -It can't be higher than 26.
It can't be. It can't be. -Stop right now!
Stop it! Stop it!
[ Buzzer ] Ohh!
Oh, really?
Okay, so that was incorrect. You did not bank $10,000.
However, here we go -- our final misery.
This one is worth $15,000, and you're going
to have to get it within a range of only 10 points.
Good luck. Now, take a look at this.
[ Dramatic music plays ]
"Embarrassed dad stuck with permanent erection
after surgery."
He says, "I'm in agony."
Who's agony?
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Here we go. So I think this is terrible.
It's got to be up there.
Penises are always -- always up there. Yeah.
Are always up. Penises are always up.
Especially his. Yeah.
Especially his, right.
70s, 80s at least. I don't think it's in the 90s,
Maybe 77 to 87?
That's good. I like that. I like that.
Within a range of 10, where does You Have a Hard [bleep] Life
land on the Misery Index?
Your 10 seconds starts now.
[ Audience shouting "higher!" ]
-77. -5, 4, 3, 2...
-Higher, higher, higher, higher. -I think 77.
Jameela: Locked in.
I don't think it's lower than that. I don't. I don't.
Oh, this is so stressful!
-Okay. -We're all here together.
We're all with you.
Okay, well, you're locked in between 78 and 88.
For $15,000, let's see where You Have a Hard [bleep] Life
lands on the Misery Index.
Good luck. -All right, Traumatron.
Oh, come on, it's up there. It's teasing us, yep.
-Past 34, 50. Keep going. -Yep, yep.
Come on, keep going, keep going,
keep going, keep going.
-Hit the brakes, hit the brakes. -Stop, Stop. Yes!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Oh, my God!
Jameela: Congratulations!
You are going home with $22,000.
Oh, my God!
So that'll do it for "The Misery Index."
I'm Jameela Jamil, and for me and the Tenderloins,
good night.
[ Chanting ] Get the ring! Get the ring!
Get the ring!
[ Cheers and applause ]
That was great. Congrats.
Good job, Sal.
[ Laughs ]
[ Indistinct conversation ]
♪♪