Welcome to "The Misery Index," where misery loves company.
-Yeah! Yeah! -Yeah!
We have scoured the globe
for the world's most miserable true stories,
then asked a panel of respected psychologists
to rate those stories based on three Pillars of Misery --
physical pain, emotional trauma,
and long-term psychological impact.
The higher the combined misery,
the higher it lands on our Misery Index.
Oh! Oh, my God.
Our two contestants must try and decide
how those events were rated
for a chance at our grand prize of $30,000.
You're about to win some money!
So let's get miserable.
[ Electricity crackles ]
[ Applause ]
♪♪
Hello! I am Jameela Jamil,
and welcome to "The Misery Index."
Tonight, we have two such miserable contestants --
Tahkyia Willis,
who once shared a house
with hundreds of bees,
my absolute nightmare,
and Ryan Finnegan,
who once had gum stuck in his bum.
[ Audience "Oh"s ]
And now, from truTV's hit "Impractical Jokes,"
please give it up for the silliest men in the world,
it's the Tenderloins, Sal, Joe, Q, and Murr!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Come on. -How are you doing?
So nice to meet you.
What's up, buddy?
Oh, my God, it's so nice to meet you, man.
I'm so excited at you guys for coming.
Okay, Tahkyia, I don't even want to know the story.
Why did you live with them? What's wrong with you?
I had 100 million bees
living in the ceiling of my living room.
One came out and stung me,
and so I figured I needed to call 911.
They were like, "Yeah, no.
That doesn't constitute an emergency, ma'am."
And I'm like, "No, it's an emergency!
I have 100 million bees in my living room."
[ Laughter ]
I don't want to talk about this anymore.
So, Ryan, tell me what happened.
So, we were on a cruise ship.
It was formal night. I was 12.
So I had laid out all my clothes... Oh, yeah.
...and then when I threw the gum out,
I guess it somehow went in there,
and it was fused shut and it was, like, burning.
And I'm like, "Oh, my God! What is this?!"
Before you know it, I'm bent over,
and my dad has my cheeks spread
with, like, one of those nose hair clippers,
and he's cutting away.
Hubba Bubba!
From then, I got the nickname "Dubble Bubble Butt Boy."
Q: Dubble Bubble Butt Boy.
Jameela: Okay, so, guys,
please behold the keeper of all things miserable.
It is the Traumatron.
[ Thunder crashes ] Ooh. [ Thunder crashes ] Ooh.
[ Applause ]
And the name of our first game is Misery Lane.
I'm going to put two misery markers on the index,
and the first one is...
-Aw. -Aw.
Man, that's a bummer. Bummer.
Which our shrinks rated
at a pretty high 50.
-Wow. -What?!
That is high. That is pretty high. Okay.
And the second one is...
...which our shrinks rated only at a 31.
Okay, so I'm going to show each of you an event. Those are weird ones. Okay, so I'm going to show each of you an event. Those are weird ones.
You just have to determine if it falls
above, below, or in between the two cards
that you see on the Index.
Tahkyia, you get to go first.
Why, thank you. Joe: Here we go. Why, thank you. Joe: Here we go.
Let's get into it.
Man: This is what a cramp looks like.
-Oh, my gosh! -Oh, my God!
What a what?
A cramp. It's a cramp.
-Ohh! -Oh, my gosh!
Man: Oh, my God.
It won't stop. Oh, my God. It won't stop. Oh, my God.
It's a cramp from Hell.
Murr: I've never seen anything like that.
[ Audience groans ]
I don't know, come back to me
when he has to endure this every month for a week for 35 years.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Visually, it immediately was jarring to me... Yeah.
...more so than I feel the other two things were.
You're working on an ice sculpture,
you probably put in a lot of your time and effort into it,
and then for it all to be ruined,
they put it pretty high at a 50.
That looked really, really painful.
I'm going to say it's above the ice sculpture.
I think it's in between.
Because there is a physical pain,
but it's a cramp, after all.
And cramps are limited in time and do go away.
I'm going to trust you guys on this one.
You're the experts. I'm gonna go with in between.
Alright. Alright. Well, hold on a second now, Tahkyia. Alright. Alright. Well, hold on a second now, Tahkyia.
[ Laughter ]
Let's see what our shrinks say.
♪♪
Ohh!
Murr: Ohh!
I hope -- Ooh.
Come on. Come on in between.
Yeah! Alright!
You were right on that.
The first, we got it. Yay! Whoo!
You just banked $500,
and now you know you have solid teammates.
Yeah. Yeah. There you go. Yeah. Yeah. There you go.
Ryan and your team, please check out this misery.
[ Beeping ] So, this guy's -- he's trying to park. [ Beeping ] So, this guy's -- he's trying to park.
Q: Oh. Murr: Ok-- Oh.
Uh-oh. Oh, no. But unfortunately...
-Don't do that. Don't do that. -...the boat's gone.
-Don't try to stop it. -No, no!
Joe: It's a boat, sir.
He's trying to stop the boat.
Q: And now he's gonna bring the forklift. Oh!
Ryan: Where'd he go? Now he'll get the forklift.
Oh, the forklift.
-Oh! -Oh!
Now the boat. Now the boat!
Go back to the boat. Now the boat! Now the boat! Go back to the boat. Now the boat! Now the boat!
The boat's free! Hurry up.
Oh, my gosh. Now the forklift!
Oh, no! Here it comes. Oh, no! Here it comes.
Joe: Turn around, sir!
Uh... Oh!
Does nothing have a brake?
Q: [ Groans ]
That was filmed the day after
marijuana became legal in California.
Right there. That's it.
I think none of them are painful,
except, possibly, you might pull a muscle
trying to save a boat, save everything.
I think it's higher. I do.
That's a lot of stupidity going on there.
There's so much work put into the ice sculpture.
It hurts so much, all that effort. It melts. Sure.
So, now, for $500, does "You can't park anything"
land above, below, or in between?
Ryan?
In between.
Jameela: You're saying it's in between.
Right in between the cheeks.
Right in between. Right in the middle of those cheeks.
Let's see what our shrinks say. Good luck.
Come on, Bubble Butt!
Ryan: Come on! Dubble Bubble Butt! Ryan: Come on! Dubble Bubble Butt!
Dubble Bubble!
Yeah, I think you got it.
Come on, please, please, please.
I think you got it.
N-N-No!
Okay, okay, okay. It's all right. Okay, okay, okay. It's all right.
That is incorrect, but coming up,
the money doubles and so does the misery.
And later, one of these contestants
will get a shot at $30,000.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Welcome back to "The Misery Index."
Tahkyia has $500 and Ryan has zero,
but there's lots more humiliation to explore
before one of them plays for $30,000.
That's a lot of bubble gum.
It's a lot of money. Yeah. It's a lot of money. Yeah.
Tonight, we have a very special round of More or Less Miserable.
All of our miseries will come from that swampy appendage
off the coast of America.
It is the great state of Florida.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, Ryan's from Florida.
Explains a lot.
Okay, so, Ryan,
I'm going to show you two deeply traumatic events,
and you just have to tell me which is worse,
according to our shrinks. Okay.
For $1,000, tell me
which one of these Flori-don'ts
lands higher on the Misery Index.
Is it this?
Sal: [ Laughing ] Flori-don'ts.
-Ohh. -Oh, no.
That's straight up Florida if I ever seen it.
Man: He touches...
[ Audience groans ] Oh. Oh, my gosh.
It's gonna close!
Q: Well, we know where this is going.
I don't know if it's gonna happen.
Man: If you touch something, she's gonna close.
[ Audience gasps ] Ryan: Ooh! Was it gentle? [ Audience gasps ] Ryan: Ooh! Was it gentle?
Man: Hey, Mikey! Oh, no, no.
Mike, come here! Get on her back!
Alright!
[ Radio chatter ]
-That's... -Oh!
Ryan: This is like -- Oh, my God.
Man: Remember, don't touch anything!
[ Laughter ]
Are we more afraid of him or the alligator?
Yeah. [ Laughs ]
Okay, so, Ryan, is this more miserable?
[ Beeping ] He's been pulled over by the police on a tractor.
Officer: You know you're in the road, right?
Man: [ Slurring ] Okay.
You were. How much you have to drink tonight?
Oh, a couple. Yeah. A couple?
Alright. I think it was a little more than couple. Couple bottles. Alright. I think it was a little more than couple. Couple bottles.
Okay, I'm not gonna lie to you.
Yeah?
Well, where you headed?
I'm just going home.
Going home? Well, where are you coming from?
My house. [ Laughter ]
So you came from your house and you're headed to your house?
Yeah.
[ Laughter ] Sal: So wholesome. [ Laughter ] Sal: So wholesome.
Look at him on his little lawn mower,
pissed as a fart.
Murr: There's no pain, right? Ryan: No.
But it affects his entire life.
Getting a DUI dramatically affects...
That's true. ...his insurance,
his ability to drive,
his ability to get jobs in the future, possibly.
I don't think any of that is a concern for that gentleman.
I don't think so, either.
Oh, man, it's rough.
'Cause everything you're saying is correct.
Makes sense.
Out of the two, if I got a DUI,
it would ruin my life. I would hate it.
If I got bit by an alligator, it'd suck, but it'd heal,
or maybe get a cool hook out of it.
This is what I love about Florida.
You're like, "Oh, my hand gets bit off by an alligator,
I might get a cool hook."
[ Laughs ] Yeah, you know.
We all felt alligator at first.
We're probably wrong, but go for it.
Okay, so, Ryan, for $1,000, which is more miserable?
An alligator bites you is way more miserable.
Yeah. Alright. I think that's it. Jameela: Okay. Yeah. Alright. I think that's it. Jameela: Okay.
Let's first see where our shrinks put the other choice.
Okay. 63!
I still think you got it. It's not low.
Well, now let's see if you're right.
Come on, Ryan. I still think you got it.
Come on, buddy!
-Ohh! -Ohh!
By one! Jameela: Oh, that was so close! By one! Jameela: Oh, that was so close!
Tahkyia, you're up.
Okay, here we go, Tahkyia.
For $1,000, please tell me which one of these big yikes
ranks higher on the Misery Index.
Come on!
His comment on it is...
Okay, Tahkyia,
would you say this is more miserable instead?
Oh, sure, Florida, it was "the monkeys."
Yeah, yeah.
Who hasn't blamed it on the monkey before?
But emotionally, that would mess you up,
if you found out you married your grandfather, so...
Sal: Yeah, they're both awful.
The grandpa thing is way more in your face.
Well, the herpes is really in the face. Right! Well, the herpes is really in the face. Right!
No, no, but as you know -- And in the pants.
Right. [ Laughs ]
Alright, so, Tahkyia,
which is more miserable, would you say?
I'm going to say it is way more miserable
to get herpes from a monkey.
Hopefully, the herpes will bring us together, guys.
We're all thinking, the same thing.
Jameela: Goddamn it, Florida.
Let's first see where our shrinks put the other choice.
Oh, wow. 51.
51 is so beatable.
Admittedly, I thought that would be higher.
Wow. Okay, now let's see
if your choice is correct.
Joe: Whoo!
Come on, monkey. Let's go, monkey.
Oh, let's go bananas!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yes!
Yes! We're going bananas! Yeah! Whoo!
Tahkyia, that is correct.
You just won $1,000.
Don't go anywhere, because when we come back,
someone is headed home
and someone is moving on for a shot at $30,000.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Hello, and welcome back to "The Misery Index."
It all comes down to this one miserable event
to determine who is the true Master of Misery
moving on to play for their shot at the grand prize.
So, currently, Tahkyia is way in the lead with $1,500,
and Ryan has $0.
So, normally, in this round, I would show you guys
a miserable clip from the "Impractical Jokers,"
and one of these four beautiful boneheads
would tell us about it
before you guess where it lands on the Index,
and the closest guess gets $2,000
and will move on to play for their shot at the grand prize.
Tonight, we're going to do the same thing,
but instead with a miserable clip from the Internet
in a game called Behind the Misery.
Please direct your attention to the Traumatron.
Sal: Hmm.
Jameela: So, we have a couple, they're in a helicopter,
they're in midair.
Now he's pulling out a box,
and in that box is a ring,
and he's proposing.
Murr: Aww. How sweet.
Oh, no, he's throwing up all over himself
Oh, my goodness. ...in the middle of a proposal.
-Oh, my God. -My God.
This is so mortifying.
-What is he doing? -Oh, my God.
He's really throwing up.
She's reserving judgment.
Q: She hasn't said yes yet.
I mean, that's wife material, right there.
She's stroking his back, still holding the ring.
Aw, the poor guy.
Murr: Oh, my gosh! Oh, no.
Oh, I feel so bad!
Oh, this is exactly as she'd always imagined it.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, he's... Happy ending!
He still put it on. Aww!
He looks so...
Aw! Oh, he can't kiss her!
But he couldn't even kiss her
because his mouth was full of vomit,
so he just went...
That's so gross.
Okay, well, guys, we're very lucky,
'cause now here to tell us how it went down
are the stars of that high-flying vom com.
Please give it up for Darrell and Rheanna.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Hey, guys! -Hello, Rheanna!
Yeah, I gotta tell you, that was real cringe to watch right now.
-Oh. -Wow.
It all panned out, though. She said yes.
Right? Yeah, she did. Yes. Right? Yeah, she did. Yes.
That's all that matters, then. Thank you.
This was something that I just wanted
to make sure that she'll remember
for the rest of her life.
So I made that happen.
-Oh, yeah, you got it. -Smashed it.
-You did it. -It's a 10. Nailed it.
I tried to hold it as long as I could, as long as I could.
And I could start to see the color
draining from his face as we were flying.
And then there was just a point where I just
pulled the ring out of my pocket, and I thought... And threw it at her.
...if I just -- Yeah.
I literally just, like, tapped her on the shoulder,
"Here. I can't -- Just, like, here."
[ Laughter ]
I have one last question. It's important.
Gotcha.
Were you able to go into like a receptacle,
or was that just on the plane floor?
It was all over the plane. [ All groan ]
Yeah, so, it just, honestly, went right in front of me.
Well, in sickness and in health. Yeah, yeah. Well, in sickness and in health. Yeah, yeah.
It ended up being a happy ending.
-Great. -Yay!
Alright.
Thank you, guys.
Okay, contestants, for $2,000,
talk it through and lock in where you think
"You throw up while proposing"
lands on the Misery Index.
It's really embarrassing.
There's no pain, still pain.
For all intents and purposes,
ruined one of the most important moments
of your entire life.
Okay, it's time to lock in your answers.
[ Speaking indistinctly ] ...is gonna say 44.
44? Yeah, or 45.
Okay, everyone, please lock in your answers.
31. 31. I feel it. 31. 31. I feel it.
We're good. We're good.
This is gonna give you a whole range. You know what I mean?
Okay. We're waiting on you, Jameela. Okay. We're waiting on you, Jameela.
[ Laughter ]
"Where'd you go?"
[ Laughs ]
Okay, so, everyone is locked in.
Let's see who has mastered the misery
by being closest to the correct answer.
Tahkyia, you said that
"You throw up while proposing" lands at a...
48.
And, Ryan, you said it was at a...
I bet it's gonna be close. Ooh! A 31.
Not close at all. I think you won.
This is it. Ryan, you need to get this right to win.
Let's see what our shrinks say.
Tahkyia: Whoo! Let's go! Let's go!
I like it. Come on, come on, come on. I like it. Come on, come on, come on.
-Come on, baby. -Go, go, go, go, go!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Jameela: Tahkyia wins!
And that means, unfortunately,
we are going to have to say goodbye to Ryan,
but Tahkyia is moving on
and will be playing for the $30,000 grand prize,
right after this.
Don't go anywhere.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Welcome back to "The Misery Index."
Tahkyia has chosen Sal to assist her
in the grand prize final round. Give it here.
It is the $30,000 Margin of Misery.
[ Thunder crashes ]
Okay, so, Tahkyia, if you win it all,
what are you planning to spend your money on?
I'm planning to move out of
my shoebox of an apartment with my young son
so that he can have a bigger space
to put all his toys on the floor.
Joe: There you go. Amazing. Aww.
There you go. What a nice mum.
Alright, so, Tahkyia,
I'm going to show you three terrible events
worth $5,000, $10,000, and $15,000,
and after each one, you will place a range finder
where you think it lands on the Misery Index.
But, as the money gets bigger, the range finder gets smaller.
Are you ready to play?
Yes, I am ready to play.
Joe: Yeah! There we go!
Come on.
Then let's get miserable.
[ Dramatic music plays ]
So, your first event is worth $5,000,
and it has a range of 30 points.
Please take a look at this.
"He said that the saffron color of the building
caused the confusion.
Saffron is associated with Hindu religious beliefs."
Basically, they were praying to the porcelain god.
Yeah. [ Laughs ]
Much like our proposal earlier.
Yeah, there's no physical pain here.
It's emotional, right? Emotionally, you might be embarrassed. It's emotional, right? Emotionally, you might be embarrassed.
You would worry that maybe it was like
a year of wasted prayers,
just wondering why none of your prayers are coming true.
A year. They did it for a year.
That's important to me. Uh-huh. That's important to me. Uh-huh.
I think it touches on trauma and emotion.
No pain. Yeah.
I don't know, I'm thinking maybe like high 30s to high 60s?
Low 30s, 35.
Okay, within a range of 30.
Your time starts now.
You wanna come up 33 to 63.
I like that. [ Speaking indistinctly ]
You like 33 to 63?
Five, four, three, two, one.
Lock in.
Okay! I like it. I like it.
It's good. I like it. It's good.
Alright, for $5,000, let's see where it lands.
There's so much at stake, Sal. -Alright. Come on, Tahkyia.
There's so much at stake!
Come on, come on, come on. Come on!
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on!
Stop, stop!
Yeah! Whoo!
[ Cheers and applause ] Yeah!
Well done, Tahkyia. You just earned yourself $5,000.
Whoo!
Do you want more? Let's go! Do you want more? Let's go!
Okay. So, this next event is worth $10,000 this time,
and you will have a range of 20 points.
Please take a look.
Murr: Wow! Wow!
This is absolutely mortifying.
Right? I mean... Yeah, this is bad. This is bad. Right? I mean... Yeah, this is bad. This is bad.
He's supposed to be someone of great moral code, right?
Worse yet, it was during a class field trip.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
And, I mean, his career, it's over. Yeah, no pain. And, I mean, his career, it's over. Yeah, no pain.
Everything else, off the charts, in my opinion. Yeah.
Everybody that knows him in every facet of his life
is going to be judging him for every element of this.
This is a rough one.
What are you thinking? What are you feeling?
I would be completely devastated with the situation right here,
so I'm thinking that this is a little higher for me.
I-I agree, and I'm feeling like
maybe 60 to 80 range, 65 to 85?
-Yep. -Yep.
Plus, they made him move to Florida.
Yeah. [ Laughter ]
Jameela: Okay, so within range of 20.
Your 10 seconds starts now.
63 to 83.
62...to 82.
Five, four, three, two, one. 62 to 82?
Okay. I like it.
Lock it. Okay.
I like it.
This is for $10,000.
Where did our shrinks rate it on the Misery Index?
Joe: You got it. You got it!
Murr: Oh, my Lord.
[ Laughs ] We need him right now.
Come on. Please get up there now.
Go, go, go, go! Can you just get up there?
Please get up there! Please get up there!
Yeah! Ohhh!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
They needed the 2!
Oh, my God!
-Tahkyia, that is correct. -Oh, my God!
You are playing a perfect game, and you just won $10,000.
[ Cheers and applause ]
We going to the strip club!
We're going to the strip club. Whoooooo!
So, here we go. Our final Misery.
And this one is worth 15 grand.
And this time, you're going to have to get it
within a range of only 10 points.
Are you ready?
Oh, I'm ready. I'm ready. Let's go.
Okay. Let's go.
Good luck.
Please take a look at this.
Okay, so, have a little look at those.
I think they're goats?
Okay, those are like...
Keep an eye on them.
They're little goats. Does? Goats.
Oh, no.
They're just -- [ All groan ]
Oh! Oh, no!
That was unexpected, wasn't it?
Ohh! That's a woman. Ohh! That's a woman.
If you thought that was weird for us to see,
can you imagine being the goats?
[ Laughter ]
So, it happened in Australia.
The person was eventually rescued.
That's a re-occurring nightmare to people.
It is to me. Did I say too much?
That was really bad. That was hard to watch.
Yeah, it was. That was really hard. Right?
Emotional and really long-term traumatic.
I'm thinking maybe like 86 to 96,
something like that.
Ooh, guys, what do you think?
No, they don't like it. I think it's 79 to 89. No, they don't like it. I think it's 79 to 89.
Really? Yeah, I don't think it's 90.
I'm doing a straight-up 80 to 90.
82. That's how I feel.
You feel like it's gonna be an 82?
Yeah. That's how I feel.
Alright, within a range of 10.
This is it. Your 10 seconds starts now.
[ Audience cheering ]
♪♪
Five, four, three, two, one.
Lock in!
Alright, we did the best that we could.
Everyone's coming down.
We're huddled around you.
Tahkyia, I want this so much for you.
Good luck.
For $15,000, let's see what our shrinks say.
Come on. Come on, everybody. Come on!
[ Cheers and applause ] Here we go! Here we go!
Come on. You got it.
There we go. There we go.
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on!
That's fine. It's on that cliff.
Let's go! Let's go! Keep on moving.
There you go! There you go!
Come on! Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Bell dinging ]
Aah!
Jameela: You just played a perfect game.
Well done.
Murr: Oh, my God! You won a perfect game!
[ Cheers and applause ] Oh, my God! [ Cheers and applause ] Oh, my God!
It gives me great pleasure to tell you that that is correct,
and congratulations,
'cause you're going home with $33,500!
[ Laughs ]
♪♪
Thank you so much!
Well done!
So, that'll do it for "The Misery Index."
I'm Jameela Jamil,
and from me and the Tenderloins and Tahkyia, good night.
♪♪
Amazing.
-Hey, you did great. -Thank you.
Thank you! Whoo!
[ Cheers and applause continue ]
No, me, too. [ Speaking indistinctly ]
I will remember you guys.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
♪♪