Welcome to "The Misery Index," where misery loves company.
-Yeah! Yeah! -Yeah!
Jameela: We have scoured the globe
for the world's most miserable true stories,
then asked a panel of respected psychologists
to rate those stories based on three pillars of misery --
physical pain, emotional trauma,
and long-term psychological impact.
The higher the combined misery,
the higher it lands on our Misery Index.
Oh! Oh, my God!
Our two contestants must try and decide
how those events were rated for a chance at our grand prize
of $30,000.
You're about to win some money!
So, let's get miserable.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Hello. I am Jameela Jamil,
and welcome to "The Misery Index."
Tonight, we have two very miserable contestants --
Zoe Stoller, who once found dozens of her boss'
personal dick pics... Man: Oh!
...and Jacques Granville,
who once had a first kiss interrupted by bird poop.
Man #2: Oh!
And now from truTV's hit "Impractical Jokers,"
give it up for the Tenderloins, Sal, Joe, Q, and Murr.
Yeah! [ Cheers and applause ] Yeah! [ Cheers and applause ]
Murr: Come on!
-Good to see you. -Hello. How are you? I'm Brian.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
Yeah! Yeah, y'all!
Yeah!
Yeah, that's right!
All right, all right. All right. Jameela: Okay.
Bird shit. Go.
I was out on a date, and at the end of the night,
you know when the feeling's right... Jameela: Mm-hmm. you know when the feeling's right... Jameela: Mm-hmm.
...and you reach in for that kiss?
Well, she lived underneath some scaffolding.
And, lo and behold, there were some birds taking a nest.
And right as I'm going in for the kiss,
I feel this splotch slowly drip off my face.
And as I go forward, I open my eyes, and I realize,
"Oh, there's bird shit all over my mouth and her mouth."
That's some aim for that bird, though. Right on the mouth.
That's an extra point. That's good aim. Perfect aim.
Zoe, dick pics. Go.
Yes. At this job that I worked at a while ago,
I was in charge of organizing our company Dropbox.
So I went through it, and I found an unmarked folder
that I unfortunately double-clicked on.
And I was met with hundreds of pictures... Hundreds? And I was met with hundreds of pictures... Hundreds?
...of penises that were attached to my boss.
I think you should have shown him the pics
and told him you also wanted a raise.
[ Laughter ]
Okay, well, guys, please behold the keeper
of all things miserable. It is the Traumatron.
-Ooh. -Ooh.
The name of our first game is Misery Lane.
I'm gonna put two misery markers on the Index,
and the first one is...
stripper steals your life savings,
which our shrinks put at an 83.
-Yeah. -Wow. Yeah.
And the second one is...
you break both arms voguing.
Murr: What?!
How is that even possible?
Which our shrinks rated at a 67.
Okay, well, I'm going to show each of you an event.
You don't have to tell me the exact number.
You just have to determine if it falls above,
below, or in between
the two cards that are on the Index.
Zoe, you get to go first.
Here we go.
Please check out this misery.
Zoe: Oh. It's not starting off well.
Surgery. Q: I never like when it's like this.
What are they pulling out of there?
What are they gonna pull out?
What are they getting out?
-Oh! Oh, God. -Ohh!
What?!
Oh, my God!
Zoe: Oh, my God!
Ah!
I'm excited to tell you quite how horrifying this is.
This person fell asleep outside,
and a snake... Snake?!
...climbed into her mouth and went down her throat.
Jacques: How did she not wake up?
How heavy of a sleeper are you?
Literally, literally.
What REM cycle are you at that you don't feel a...
Oh, my God. Not only would I never sleep outside again,
I might not ever sleep again.
Right. You'd fear sleep. And you have to sleep every night.
That's a fact. Literally I would have to, like, sleep with,
like, the mask, like, on my face.
But then, like, it could crawl through a different orifice.
Right. You got to watch your ear holes. Right?
And you know what hole. There's no mask for that.
There's no mask for that hole.
So you got to watch that, too. Every hole's open.
I get you. I'm with you. I think it's over.
Yes.
I'm gonna say "a snake slithers
inside of you" goes above. We'll see.
You are saying it is above. 83 is high.
But let's see what our shrinks say.
I think you're right. Every time I walk into a strip club, I think you're right. Every time I walk into a strip club,
I assume that's gonna happen. Right?
It's not like it's a surprise.
Okay. No, no, no, no. Other way.
Trauma. Traumatic.
Come on. Come on.
Yes!
Yes! Yes!
You just banked $500.
Zoe: Fastest $500 I've ever made.
Okay, Jacques, you're up.
Let's see what you've got. You and your team,
please check out this misery.
So just keep an eye on them. There's one guy over here.
And he gets...
-Ooh! -Ohh!
Jameela: ...smacked in the face.
Wow. And he's just spinning.
Okay, now, this is the guy that comes to save his life.
-He's knocked out cold. -Is he knocked out?
Jameela: Absolutely unconscious and so, therefore,
unable to launch his own parachute.
And someone else is able to launch it.
-Oh, my God. Thank God. -Wow!
Good for that guy. That could have ended really horribly.
One of the jumper's femurs knocked out
the other guy's head at 200 miles per hour.
I have to think that this is
more traumatic than anything we've seen possibly.
I would go above. That's what I would do.
I agree with Sal.
I mean, this is life or death,
and this is... If you have no life,
it doesn't matter about life saving. Yes.
But you still wake up with your life savings.
You haven't lost that yet. You still got the life savings.
He did survive. It's a near-death, though.
And I think it's because that it's near death,
it would be more so, like, in the middle,
because it's not as bad
as a stripper taking everything you got.
Are you suggesting that a stripper taking all your money
is worse than being knocked out,
unable to launch your own parachute?
Yeah, the parachute still worked.
Ah, man!
The last thing he saw was a kick. Pow! Right. The last thing he saw was a kick. Pow! Right.
I've got to say, it's gonna land in the middle.
Jameela: Okay. Okay.
Let's see what our shrinks say.
-Come on, shrinks. -Good luck.
Joe: Here we go.
Come on. Sal: Stuck in the middle with you.
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!
Come back! Yeah! Oh, my God!
Yes! I can't believe it.
Yeah!
I take that back.
You just banked $500.
Coming up, the money doubles, but so does the misery.
And later, one of these contestants
will get a shot at $30,000.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hello, and welcome back to "The Misery Index."
So Zoe has $500, and Jacques also has $500,
but there's lots more humiliation to explore
before one of them plays for 30 grand.
-All right. -Whoo!
The name of our next game is More or Less Miserable,
so, Jacques, this time, you are up.
I'm going to show you two deeply traumatic events,
and you just have to tell me
which is worse according to our shrinks.
So for $1,000, tell me which
one of these predicaments lands higher on the Misery Index.
Is it this?
"Man, 25, is allergic to ejaculating
and has flu-like symptoms with every orgasm."
Poor guy.
It is actually a legitimate syndrome.
It's called post-orgasmic illness syndrome.
Wow. POIS?
POIS.
The boy's got POIS.
Zoe: Whew!
Jameela: He dreads climaxing because when he does,
the symptoms last one to two weeks.
Ooh! Wow. Ooh! Wow.
I think it's an amazing excuse for getting out of sex.
What are some of the best excuses we have used?
Look at us. Look at us. We've never used an excuse.
I've never had an opportunity
to turn down sex in my entire life.
What are you talking about?
[ Laughter ]
Jacques, or is this more miserable?
"Dad who lost his penis to blood infection
has a new one built on his arm."
Basically, he suffered a blood infection
that caused his penis to fall off.
He was then without a penis for two years.
He was referred to a -- and this is a real job --
a penis master...
which I thought was my job.
[ Laughter ]
Alone, these two are pretty bad. Sal: They are. Alone, these two are pretty bad. Sal: They are.
The organism -- He's allergic to his own body, right?
Yeah. And will experience the joys of orgasm. Yeah. And will experience the joys of orgasm.
Emotionally that would hurt.
Like, every time you have an orgasm,
you get allergic, you're sick for two weeks.
We've all dealt with the flu. It's terrible.
But some people only like to have sexual encounters
every once in a while. Maybe he could put up with that.
This guy does have the appendage growing on his arm,
which sets him apart from every other person
on the planet, I think.
And I think I'm gonna go with you --
Penis on your arm is a lot worse.
Jameela: Okay. All right, all right. Jameela: Okay. All right, all right.
Let's see where our shrinks put the other choice, though.
I think you got it, buddy. Jacques: Come on, baby. I think you got it, buddy. Jacques: Come on, baby.
-Whoa! -Oh, okay.
Jameela: Okay, 71.
That is what you're going to have to beat.
Let's see if you are correct. Good luck.
This is a somewhat normal life.
The arm... Yes! Yes!
Yes!
That is correct.
You just won yourself $1,000.
Jacques: Yes! Yes!
Okay, Zoe, $1,000, tell me
which one of these public poundings ranks higher
on the Misery Index? Is it this?
-Ooh! -Ow!
Oh! Oh! Joe: Ooh!
It's like "The Shining." Yeah. Literally. It's like "The Shining." Yeah. Literally.
That is called a grocery aisle falls on you.
Or, Zoe, is this more miserable?
"Man sucker-punched because he looks like Shia LaBeouf."
[ Laughter ]
"All I heard was," he says, "this is
because you look exactly like Shia LaBeouf."
So the guy knew he wasn't, in fact, Shia LaBeouf
and punched him in the face anyway.
All right. Wow.
The last Indiana Jones movie pissed me off, too.
Yeah. So I get it. Yeah. So I get it.
[ Laughs ] You get punched
'cause you look like Shia LaBeouf.
Yes, both of these are really sad,
and both are very painful.
Being beaten up for looking like Shia LaBeouf,
it's like a curse on his face, like, forever.
The grocery aisle falling on you
can only happen when you're in a grocery aisle.
Yes. You're always walking around with your face.
It's true. So you always could be punch. It's true. So you always could be punch.
It is so true. Agreed.
Yeah, I go Shia. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
So I'm gonna say being beaten up
for looking like Shia LaBeouf is worse.
Let's see. We agree. Let's see. We agree.
Let's first see where our shrinks put the other choice.
Got to be in the 40s, right?
53. Easily beatable.
Now it is time to see if your choice is correct.
Good luck.
An assault is traumatic. Let's go, let's go. An assault is traumatic. Let's go, let's go.
Oh, so -- Yeah!
Yes! Yeah!
You just won $1,000.
They're both playing a perfect game.
Don't go anywhere, 'cause when we come back,
someone is headed home,
and someone is moving on for a shot at $30,000.
-Yes! -Yes!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Welcome back to "The Misery Index."
It all comes down to this one miserable event
to determine who is the true master of misery
moving on to play for their shot at the grand prize.
So Zoe has $1,500,
and Jacques also has $1,500.
Tonight, you're going to have to rate the misery
based solely on what you hear. So that means no video
until after you have already locked in your scores
'cause I'm evil.
You are. I think it's these two.
So whoever's closest to our shrinks' score wins the round.
So let's play The Sound of Misery.
[ Cheers and applause ]
All right.
Jameela: Have a listen.
Young woman: No.
No, no, no. I'm not ready for this.
Man: You're not ready?
All right. On the count of three.
One... [ Crying ] Okay. Hold on.
Murr: Edge of a cliff? Bungee jumping.
Bungee jumping?
Don't touch me! Man: I'm not gonna hurt you. Don't touch me! Man: I'm not gonna hurt you.
I just feel like there's 50 on my neck.
Murr: 50?
Zoe: Oh, God.
So, guys, tell me, what do you think this is?
I'm thinking there's some kind of, like, bug on her.
Maybe like a snake, like, something.
But it's not, like, destroying her.
It's just, like, physically on her.
And it's terrifying.
Jacques, what are you thinking?
I'm thinking she fell in,
like, a thorn bush, or like, a porcupine,
and her dad's trying to pluck them out,
and she's just sobbing and crying, and she's a mess.
So now for $2,000, talk it through and lock in
where you think this awful audio lands on the Misery Index.
It's gonna be from the perspective of the person,
you have to imagine, right? Right.
So they're having a terrible time.
Oh, it's the person's perspective. Okay.
We've burned by these a couple times.
We went a little high, and it was low.
So far, they've haven't been crazy traumatic.
Jameela: All right, everyone.
I'm going to need you to lock in your answers.
You haven't been wrong yet, so...
Before we reveal our scores, let's take a look at the video
behind this miserable audio clip.
-Oh, oh! -That's what that was!
Joe: It's a bush.
Murr: So it is a thorn. It is thorns.
[ Gasps ] Oh, no. Sal: Cactus. [ Gasps ] Oh, no. Sal: Cactus.
Oh, no! Cactus!
Oh, my God.
It's the plant version of a porcupine.
You were on the right track with that porcupine, yeah.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh!
Joe: I like that number.
I like that number. Yes.
Got to go with the one he choose.
Jacques, well done. You called that correctly.
Okay, so now that we've seen the video,
let's see who's mastered the misery
by being the closest to the correct answer.
Zoe, you ranked the sound of misery at a...
Okay, 51.
I like it. I like this.
And, Jacques, you said it was a...
Zoe: It's gonna be higher.
Jameela: ...41.
Okay, this is it.
We have two people who have thus far
played a perfect game
going head-to-head for the final round.
So let's see what our shrinks say.
Zoe: I hope so. I hope so. I hope so.
Come on! Here we go, here we go,
here we go, here we go!
Come on!
Sal: Stay.
Go, go, go, go, go!
-Oh, my God! -Stop, stop, stop.
Sal: We want this for Jacques.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Jameela: Oh, my God. So Zoe wins.
Unfortunately, that means we are going to have
to say goodbye to Jacques, who has been brilliant.
Thank you, thank you.
But Zoe is moving on and will be playing
for the $30,000 grand prize
right after this. Don't go anywhere.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Ready? I'm ready. Oh, yeah.
Let's do it. Let's do it.
Hello, and welcome back to "The Misery Index."
So Zoe has chosen Joe to assist her
in the grand prize final round.
This is the $30,000 Margin of Misery.
Ooh!
Okay, Zoe, if you win, what are you gonna do with the money?
So I'm such a huge nerd. I would buy, like,
the most tricked-out gaming PC that, like, ever existed.
And then I was also talking to the Tenderloins.
I might add, an Xbox in there, too.
Q: Yeah!
Absolutely.
Okay, Zoe, I'm gonna show you three terrible events
worth $5,000, $10,000, and $15,000.
After each one, you will place a rangefinder
where you think it lands on the Misery Index.
But as the money gets bigger, the rangefinder gets smaller.
I know you already know this. I can see she's already, like,
rattling it off in her head.
You are ready to play. She's ready to play.
I'm not even gonna ask. Let's go. I'm not even gonna ask. Let's go.
Let's get miserable!
[ Cheers and applause ]
So, Zoe, your first event is worth $5,000
and has a range of 30 points.
Please take a look at this.
"Man urinates his way out of avalanche."
He was trapped inside his car when this avalanche hit.
And when he was found, it had been four days,
and he was still drunk, and he managed to urinate
his way kind of through the snow.
He did live through it. And he has a great story now.
But it also is pretty damn horrible and embarrassing.
I personally don't think it's less than 30,
so I would like 30 to 60-ish.
That's exactly what I was thinking, yeah. Good.
So within a range of 30, where does pee your way
through an avalanche land on the Misery Index?
Zoe, your time starts now.
[ Audience shouting indistinctly ]
There you go. There you go. Keep going.
34-ish...
5, 4...
I'm gonna go like that. Okay.
...3, 2, 1. Okay. We're locked. I like that.
Okay. Me too, me too. You are locked in Okay. Me too, me too. You are locked in
between 34 and 64.
For $5,000, let's see where it lands.
Let's pee our way to $5,000.
-I would. -All right, Zoe. Come on.
Amazing graphic. Now we got to go on. Amazing graphic. Now we got to go on.
Now 10. Now 20.
More, more, more, more.
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
Oh, yes! Oh, my God! Joe, you are amazing.
Correct. You just banked yourself $5,000.
How about that?
That this next event is worth $10,000,
and you will have a range of 20 points this time.
Please take a look at this.
They're in a car. They're seeing some buffalo.
And a little buffalo. Uh...
And he headbutts the camera. Oh, no!
Joe: Okay.
It's not the most fun way you can get rammed in a car.
[ Laughter ]
Physically, it's not, like, the biggest deal in the universe.
Emotionally, I'm sure
it was absolutely terrifying in that moment.
You think you're getting, like a beautiful,
you know, video of buffalo,
and then all of a sudden, a buffalo, like, attacks you.
So that couldn't have been, like, the greatest thing.
But the long-lasting psychological trauma --
I don't think there is that much in this.
Like, yes, probably what you see...
[ Laughter ] Okay, bye. [ Laughter ] Okay, bye.
Bye.
You're triggering Joe's toxic masculinity.
Sorry. Don't worry about it. Not at all.
I'm super-supportive of knowing
a guy should keep his mouth shut.
Yeah, exactly.
Okay, within a range of 20, where does your car
is attacked by a buffalo land on the Index?
Your 10 seconds starts...
now.
20 to 40. 20 to 40?
-30? 30? -I was gonna say 25.
5, 4...
21, 22...
...3, 2... 21.
1. Lock in.
All right, let's see. I like that. All right, let's see. I like that.
Okay, so, Zoe, you are locked in this time
between 21 and 41.
So now for $10,000, where did our shrinks rate it
on the Misery Index? Good luck.
All right. Here we go.
All right. Go all the way down.
Come on. Come on.
Then you go a little bit up. Then you stop.
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!
Stop! Stop! Yes, yes!
Oh, my God! This is so good.
-Fantastic. -Unbelievable.
Okay. So that is correct.
You just banked $10,000,
and you are playing a perfect game so far.
Yes! Let's go get this last 15 grand.
So here we go. This is it.
Our final misery is worth $15,000,
and this time, you're going to have to get it
within a range of only 10 points.
I have all the faith in the world.
Good luck. Take a look at this.
Here we go.
Man: These CT scans of a Chinese man's head
reveal a 4-inch knife embedded in his skull.
The man had no idea the knife was there,
and it may have been lodged inside him
as long as four years.
Doctors at the People's Hospital in Yuxi City
removed the knife.
What?! How would you not know that's inside you?
Jameela: Exactly. Like, fire all of your doctors. Literally. Jameela: Exactly. Like, fire all of your doctors. Literally.
No, I'm just baffled as to how it got in.
Yeah. Oh, my God. He was in an altercation Yeah. Oh, my God. He was in an altercation
where he was in a fight with a robber.
But that's just the theory
of how it might have gotten in there.
There's no definite incident of him
being stabbed in the neck with no remaining scar.
Long-term psychological impact for me is high.
Yes, exactly. It's up there for me. Yes, exactly. It's up there for me.
And in theory, this would be the worst thing that happens to you,
but knowing this guy's luck, I'm sure other things have happened.
So... You will never believe where they found the fork.
[ Laughter ] I don't want to know. [ Laughter ] I don't want to know.
75 to 85. Is that too high, you think?
I want the high 80s. Seriously. Like, 76...
To 86?
Okay, so within a range of 10,
where does you have a knife lodged in your head land
on the Misery Index?
Your 10 seconds starts...
now.
Q: Go with your gut, Zoe.
You're never wrong. You're never wrong.
Go with your gut.
-High! High! -Go with your gut.
Jameela: 3, 2...
I like that. I like that. ...1.
Okay. Great. Okay.
Let's see, let's see, let's see.
This one's so difficult,
but if anyone's gonna get it, it's gonna be you.
Oh, thank you. Watch me not get it, but...
All right, you are locked in between 74 and 84.
For $15,000,
let's see where you have a knife lodged in your head lands
on the Misery Index in this perfect game.
Sal: Oof. Like, I almost...
Q: Come on! Let's do it.
Come on. This way!
Faster, faster, faster. And keep going. Keep going.
Land right in there. Keep going. Keep going. Land right in there. Keep going. Keep going.
Keep going. Wait, wait, wait!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Yes! -Unbelievable.
77!
Oh, my God!
-Oh, my God! -Congratulations, Zoe.
You are going home with $33,500.
[ Cheers and applause ] That's so great. [ Cheers and applause ] That's so great.
That will do it for "The Misery Index."
I am Jameela Jamil.
From me and the Tenderloins and our genius Zoe,
good night. Q: Yes!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Unbelievable.
Wow. I was so right.
-Whew! Unbelievable. -Unbelievable.
♪♪