♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Welcome to "The Misery Index," where misery loves company.
-Yeah! Yeah! -Yeah!
Jameela: We have scoured the globe
for the world's most miserable true stories,
then asked a panel of respected psychologists
to rate those stories based on three pillars of misery --
physical pain, emotional trauma,
and long-term psychological impact.
The higher the combined misery,
the higher it lands on our misery index.
Oh! Oh, my God!
Our two contestants must try and decide
how those events were rated for a chance at our grand prize
of $30,000.
You're about to win some money!
So, let's get miserable.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Hello! I'm Jameela Jamil,
and welcome to "The Misery Index."
Tonight, we have two very miserable contestants --
Kristina Thompson,
who once burned her face off with candle wax,
and Julia Quadrino,
whose tampons once caused a bomb scare.
[ Audience groans ]
And now, from truTV's hit "Impractical Jokers,"
please give it up for the Tenderloins,
Sal, Joe, Q, and Murr!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Yeah! -Come on!
Good to see you, yeah. Hi, Jameela.
Hello, everyone!
Hello! So nice to meet you. Hello! So nice to meet you.
Hello, America.
Give it up -- the peacock. The peacock!
I feel like my Hawaiian shirts are wearing off on you.
-Yeah. -Yeah!
Yeah, all right.
Okay, so Kristina, can we start with you? What happened?
So, I was in college in my dorm room,
and I blew out a candle, and the flame came back at me,
and I was like, "Oh, that doesn't feel good."
So I went to the mirror to look, and I thought my face
was covered in wax from the candle,
but it was my skin peeling off.
-Oh. -Oh!
So then I had to spend the next two weeks
covering bandages and scarves, and it was super sexy.
Julia, can you top that with your bomb scare?
So, I was at a Mets game, wanted a burger,
left my duffel bag at my seat alone,
got my burger, came back,
and the entire section was cleared out.
The bomb squad was called.
They were going through the bag, pulling out tampons.
The only thing that was in my bag was tampons.
Jameela: Okay, so guys, please behold
the keeper of all things miserable.
It is the Traumatron.
-Ooh! -It's just a big TV.
Don't be scared. -We don't like it.
The name of our first game is Misery Lane.
I'm gonna put two misery markers on the index,
and the first one is...
...which our shrinks rated at 75.
-Ooh. -Wow!
And the second one is...
-Ah! -...which shrinks rated at a 49.
-Yep. -Okay.
Okay, so I'm going to show each of you an event.
You don't have to give me the exact number.
You just have to determine if it falls above, below,
or in between the two cards that are on the index.
Kristina, you get to go first.
-All right, here we go. -Whoo!
-All right! -You got it.
Please check out this misery.
Man: No, go away. Go away.
[ Snarls ] No!
Oh, that is... -Oh, my God!
-That's what they do? -It's a cougar, yeah.
-W-W-W-What? -No!
-Why is he running like that? -He's running.
This video goes for like an hour, right?
-Six minutes. -Oh!
So, that was a female cougar. She was pissed because --
I-I'm all too familiar with female cougars.
[ Laughter ]
That little sexpot Sal Vulcano.
They run at you like that?
[ Laughter ]
Uh, all right, so how you feel?
your partner has terrible halitosis is, like --
that actually seems a little bit high.
-Okay. -Blow off your favorite finger,
I do like the fact that it's your favorite finger.
This is the one that I can't live without.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Um, so you're stalked by a cougar --
as far as physical pain, there is no physical pain.
I agree.
And then long-lasting psychological impact --
very high. Every time you see a big cat...
-Yeah. -...this thing.
-Everybody, everybody! -Hey!
There you go.
I mean, you your instinct's in between, yeah?
In between or above.
For $500, does "you are stalked by a cougar" land
above, below, or in between the two cards,
on the Misery Index?
-In between. -You say it's in between.
Let's see what our shrinks say.
Come on baby.
But all you do is not tape --
I actually think that halitosis is the worst one.
-It's gonna be high. -Oh, stop!
-No, no, it's gonna -- -No, it's gonna come back.
It's gonna come back! -Ahhh!
Oh, my goodness.
What the what? What the what?
What have I started?
Joe: That's what we're talking about.
Well, you are correct.
You have just banked yourself $500. Well done.
-All right. Nice shot. -Okay, Julia.
-Yes. -You and your team,
please check out this misery.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, God!
-It's like a pop face. -Oh, wow!
I love this show.
I'm not making this up, but this happened in Poland, so...
-Oh! -Nice, nice.
Wow.
I mean, emotional trauma in the moment, you think,
"I'm about to get hit by a fricking car,"
and you're like, "Okay, phew, thank God."
But then you're getting hit by a fricking pole,
so it's like a roller coaster of emotions.
He didn't blow off his finger, so it's definitely not above.
-Yeah. -I mean, bad breath is bad.
-Bad breath sucks. -All right, guys.
So for $500, above, below, or in between?
-I'm gonna say in between. -You're saying in between?
Yeah. I'm gonna say in between.
I'm gonna trust you. I'm gonna go in between.
Well, don't tr-- No, I was leaning in between. Well, don't tr-- No, I was leaning in between.
Okay, well, say that! But then I heard someone else say it,
and I felt confident. Don't put it on me.
-I think it's -- -Because then I get upset.
-Yeah, I think so, too. -Barely in between.
I think like 51.
Yeah, "you miss the car but hit the pole" is in between.
Joe: Wow! Wow! Really? All right.
Let's see what our shrinks say. Good luck.
I think it's gonna be close either way.
I do think it's gonna be in the 40s.
It's gonna be stupid low.
Come on, come on, come on.
Yeah! -Yes! Yes!
Jameela: You are correct, and that means
that you just banked yourself $500.
Coming up -- the money doubles, but so does the misery.
And later, one of these contestants will get a shot
at $30,000.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Welcome back to "The Misery Index."
So, Kristina has $500, and Julia also has $500,
but there's lots more humiliation to explore
before one of them plays for $30,000.
[ Cheers and applause ]
The name of our next game is More or Less Miserable.
Julia, this time you are up first.
-Okay! -I'm gonna show you two
deeply traumatic events, and you just have to tell me
which is worse according to our shrinks.
-Got it. -So for $1,000,
tell me which one of these frozen fiascoes
lands higher on the misery index.
Is it this?
He says, "I brought 220 pounds of food,
but only one pair of underwear."
We've all been there, mate.
I love that. That's the most colossal failure of packing.
[ Laughter ]
And he said that once he had shat his pants,
that every step would now be accompanied
by sticky chafing. Hands up If you never want
to hear the words "sticky chafing" ever again.
-I could do without it. -Why tell anyone?
-I don't know! -Go on the interviews,
it's like, "You did it, mate!
You crossed Antarctica! How was it?"
"Well, have I got a story for you."
[ Laughter ]
So, we have this, or is this more miserable?
-Ciao! -What's gonna happen?
Murr: Is it the iceberg just floating away?
It looks like it's gonna crack in half.
There you go. There you go. -[Bleep] go.
-Oh! -Oh, my God!
-Oh! -[Bleep] [bleep]
And that was the last we ever saw of that man.
Wow.
So, we would call this point of view,
"you are body slammed by an iceberg."
-That has obvious physical pain. -Maybe.
I mean, we don't know what kind of poop it was.
It could have not felt great coming out.
Murr: Yeah, I mean, look at it this way.
This guy is full of shit. They're shit out of luck.
[ Laughter ]
-There you go. -Okay, so Julia, for $1,000,
which one would you say is more miserable?
"You're body slammed by an iceberg" is more miserable.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Let's first see where our shrinks put the other choice.
Good luck. -This is a tough one.
-Whoa! -72.
I'm telling you, I mean, An iceberg slams you, guys --
it's up there. Jameela: Let's see if you are correct.
[ Audience "ooh"ing ]
-Yes! Yes! Yes! -[ Squeals ]
You just won yourself $1,000.
Well done, Julia.
Okay, Kristina, for $1,000,
tell me which one of these sex symbols
ranks higher on the Misery Index.
Is it this?
Kristina: Oh.
If I walk into any building
and that man is in a position of authority,
I'm walking right out of the building.
[ Laughter ]
-Three were arrested. -Yes.
So what were they arrested for?
Why the [bleep] were they arrested?
-Oh-oh-oh! -Oh!
All three were arrested on obscenity charges,
but the charges were dropped.
-Okay. -Okay.
So, is it this ultimate holy trinity,
or is it this?
"Keith Tyson says he is having to make
regular repairs to his hedge
to drunk people pretending to have sex with it."
[ Laughter ]
People like [bleep] bushes. I don't know what to tell you.
That is quite an impressive bush. Nice.
I would say that a person has more stock
in the person they follow for worship
than the hedge they trim.
-I agree. -Right?
Long-term psychological impact is huge
for "your priest gets arrested for a threesome."
-Yeah, for sure. -If I'm a person of faith...
-Yeah. -...and I'm showing up
at my house of worship every single week
and this is desecrated like that,
that's gonna have a way bigger impact on me.
You're gonna question everything that they've ever said.
You're gonna question all the sermons you've been to. Joe: 100%. You're gonna question all the sermons you've been to. Joe: 100%.
Okay, so which would you say is more miserable?
So, I think that "your priest gets arrested for a threesome"
is more miserable.
Jameela: Okay, you said it's more miserable.
Let's first see where our shrinks put the other choice.
Good luck.
-Oh, you got this. -Okay, 30 is very easy to beat.
So let's see if your choice is correct now.
I even don't have to watch.
It's like Jordan taking a free throw with his eyes closed.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you. I didn't even have to look.
You just won yourself $1,000.
We're tied up! We're all tied up.
Don't go anywhere, 'cause when we come back,
someone is headed home, and someone is moving on
for their shot at $30,000!
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Welcome back to "The Misery Index."
So it all comes down to this one miserable event
to determine who is the true master of misery
and moving on to play for their shot at the grand prize.
So, Kristina has $1,500, and Julia also has $1,500,
so we really have a tight game,
Neck and neck, as they say.
And I am going to show you both the same event.
And your job is just to tell us
where it lands on the Misery Index.
The closest guess gets $2,000.
Whoever has the most money at the end of this round
is the one who will move on for a chance at 30 grand.
So this is it!
Ready? Ready?
Kristina, I think I know, but how are you feeling?
-I'm pumped! -We are pumped.
You seem like you really need to pee.
But, Julia, how are you doing?
-Oh, secret handshakes. -Oh!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-What?! What is this? -We're ready to go.
I think it's a good idea for us to get into the game.
[ Laughter ]
Not before we see your cougar impression one more time.
It's not happening again.
[ All chanting "Cougar!" ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
For the love of God, let's get into the [bleep] game.
All right, please, everyone, direct your attention
to the Traumatron for our next misery.
-Ooh. -Oh, yeah.
Hop to it, fellas.
We're at the Borgata working as bellhops.
We'll have to bring guests to their rooms
and get them settled in,
all while doing and saying with the other guys tell us.
When we're finished, we're gonna have to try and get a tip.
If you can't get a tip, you lose.
Warm up, boys.
Ahhhhhh!
All right, here we go. Come on in.
Unpack their bags for them.
-We've got a plethora... -This isn't a punishment.
Keep announcing what you're pulling out of the bag.
Joe: So they know what you're touching.
Dress socks. We'll just put the shoes
in there and the bra.
-The bra! The bra! -The panties.
Feminine products. Spanx. -Oh!
-Oh, been there. -Unmentionables.
Let's see. The teddy and the lingerie.
-[ Laughs ] The teddy! -The teddy!
-Oh...my God. -Oh, my God.
"You know, a lot of magic happens in this room."
A lot of, um -- a lot of magic happens in this room.
So, we keep a lot of the magicians in this room.
"And they get hookers."
[ Laughter ]
And they get hookers.
[ Laughter ]
So, uh, abracadabra, I guess.
Thank you so much. Oh, thank you.
So generous. Thank you so much.
-Ah! -He got the tip.
Appreciate it. Thank you. Have a great day.
-Oh, my God. -Oh, my God.
Jameela: How did you keep a straight face?
This couple was celebrating a romantic weekend,
and to be going through their luggage
and all their personals --
she was mortified, and so was I.
[ Laughter ]
So now for $2,000, please talk it through
and lock in where you think
"bellhop rummages through your clothes"
lands on the Misery Index.
All right, um...
Okay, so zero pain, right?
I think it's below 30. What do you think?
-Below 30. -There's no pain.
I was thinking that, but I didn't know --
-No way. -What?
All right, everyone, it's time for you to lock in your answers.
-I say that. -Right there?
Lock in your [bleep] answers. Thank you very much.
Julia, Julia!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Sorry! Locked in. I could hear you.
Thank you.
So let's see who has mastered the misery
by being closest to the correct answer.
Kristina, you locked in on time.
You said it was...33.
And Julia, you have put it a...
-Oh! -It's a game!
-I like that, I like that. -It's a game.
Jameela: Julia, you have put it at a 28.
Okay, let's see what our shrinks say.
-Oh, my God. Oh, my God. -This is so close.
Don't throw up.
This is going to decide
who gets to go on to the next round.
Now it's gonna split and it's gonna go all the way back.
It might be in the middle of them.
[ Screams ]
-No way! I'm sorry! -[ Laughs ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Unfortunately, that means we're going to have to
say goodbye to Julia, but Kristina is moving on,
where she will be playing for the $30,000 grand prize,
right after this.
Joe: I don't know -- you blacked out.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Whoo!
Hello, and welcome back to "The Misery Index."
So, Kristina has chosen Joe to assist her
in the grand-prize final round,
the $30,000 Margin of Misery.
-Whoo! -Ooh.
[ Thunder crashes ]
So, Kristina, if you win it all,
what are you planning to do with your money?
My best friend and I are the biggest Justin Timberlake fans,
and so I would like to take my best friend
and go to all the different concerts around the country
and just kind of stalk him a little bit.
Jameela: Oh! Okay, well, look, I'm going to show you
three terrible events worth $5,000, $10,000, and $15,000
After each one, you will place a rangefinder
what you think it lands on the index.
And as the money gets bigger, the rangefinder gets smaller.
Are you ready to play?
-She's ready to go. -Yes. Yes.
All right, then, let's get miserable.
[ Cheers and applause ] Joe: Ooh! Ooh. [ Cheers and applause ] Joe: Ooh! Ooh.
Okay, for your first event is worth $5,000
and has a range of 30 points.
Please take a look at this.
Man: One lesson, he's ready to go.
Be careful of the customer's truck over here, okay?
-Oh, God. -This is not gonna end good.
Kristina: Oh, God.
Why on earth would you think it wouldn't end well?
Man: Little to your right. To your right.
No, turn. To your right. Frank!
[ Audience "Oh!"s ]
Uh-uh. -Oh, wow.
Well, the first thing is he should know
his left from his right.
Ah-ha-ha! Nice!
No physical pain, so that's nothing.
Emotional trauma -- I mean, especially for your dad
or whoever was filming -- that's got to be something.
For sure. There's no physical pain. You're right.
So that's out the window, right?
Throw a number.
-20 to 50ish? -Okay. I would go --
Oh, I got a really bad reaction. Up? Okay, up.
-I would say -- -He says up.
-I would go -- -No! Just tell -- what is it?
I -- what is it? I don't know. They don't tell me.
I would say move up a little bit.
High 20s, maybe 28 to 58.
-I don't think it's high 50s. -It's up to you.
-Yeah, -Okay. Within a range of 30,
where does "you puncture a truck with a forklift" land
on the Misery Index? Your 10 seconds starts now!
-Come on, Kristina! -Go.
-Come on, Kristina! -There you go.
I like that, I like that. Lock on it.
-Okay. -I like that.
Jameela: You are locked in between 28 and 58.
For $5,000,
where does this land on the Misery Index?
-Here we go. -Come on!
-Come on, Kristina! -Okay, it's gonna go.
And now we're gonna go up. Now we're gonna go up.
We're gonna go up. -Keep going!
-Hit the brakes. Hit the brakes. -Whoa, whoa, whoa!
-Yeah! -[ Screams ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Jameela: That is correct, so you just banked yourself
$5,000!
-There you go. That's great. -Whoo!
The next event is worth $10,000,
and this time you have a range of only 20 points.
So let's take a look.
Well, a man in Honolulu rescued after getting stuck between
the walls of two buildings. Take a look at this.
He was trying to pick up a baseball with a pole,
but ended up falling between...
-Oh! -Oh, my God!
He slid about 15 feet and then couldn't get out.
The space was only 7 to 9 inches wide...
Oh, God! That's my worst nightmare.
...as firefighters tried to calm him down.
They finally pulled him out after more than three hours.
-Oh, wow. -Ooh.
He should have upgraded for the extra leg room.
[ Laughter ]
-Physical pain -- yes. -Go, go.
I think high as well. You don't know if you're getting out.
He was screaming the whole time.
-Oh, my God, yeah. -For me, it's got way up.
It's like 70 to 90.
I don't think it's gonna be 90.
He's trapped for three hours screaming,
not knowing if he's gonna be alive.
-But he is alive. -But he doesn't know that.
Okay, within a range of 20,
where does "you are trapped between buildings for hours"
land on the index?
Your 10 seconds starts now.
Murr: Trust your gut. Come on.
Do 66 to 86 if you're gonna do it.
Jameela: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
I like that a lot! That's great!
-That's good. -That's great.
-Okay, you are locked in... -That was a hard one.
-...between 67 and 87. -Here we go.
For $10,000, where did our shrinks rate this
on the Misery Index?
You're so sweet. -You got this!
-Here we go. -You got.
-All right. -You got it.
You know it's not gonna be 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60.
No, no, no, keep going past 30, keep going.
-Get up there! -Stop, stop, stop.
Hit the brakes. -[ Screams ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
You wouldn't have had it 60 to 80.
Aaah! Oh, my God! Oh!
Correct! You just banked yourself $10,000,
and you, young lady, are playing a perfect game so far.
-Yeah! -Oh, my God!
Doing great, doing great.
So, this is our final misery, and it is worth $15,000,
and you are going to have to get it within a range
of only 10 points this time.
Take a look at this. Uh-oh.
The hotel room wouldn't be that nice.
[ Laughter ]
You order a prostitute, and your daughter shows up.
It's awkward, for sure,
but she's out there making that money.
No. Emotional trauma
and long-term psychological impact is way high.
Give me you 10 range.
I don't want to put a number in your head.
I want to see where you're at.
70 to 80?
-That's good. -I like that, too.
-I want the high 70s. -Ooh.
Jameela: Okay, within a range of 10,
where does "hire a prostitute, your daughter shows up"
land on the Misery Index?
-You said high 70s, you think? -Your 10 seconds starts now.
[ Indistinct shouting ]
It's gonna be 70s or 80s, so cover both.
-5, 4... -That's good.
You cover a good range. -I think so, too.
-...1. -Oh, God.
I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it.
-Oh, my God. -Oh, my gosh.
We think you got it. -Everyone feels good about this?
We think you got it. We think you got it.
-Oh, no. -It's a tough one to rank.
-It is. -There's zero physical pain.
Right. And so we went really high considering the other two. Right. And so we went really high considering the other two.
If it's wrong, we'll get you a date with Joey Fatone.
[ Laughter ]
-I'm married, but it's okay! -Okay.
-He'll understand. -Okay, so this is it.
Jameela: You are locked in between 75 and 85.
It's for $15,000. -Oh, my God, oh, my God.
Let's see what where "hire a prostitute,
your daughter shows up" lands on the Misery Index.
-Come on, Kristina. Come on! -Back up.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Come on. We know it's not -- we know 10, 20, 30, 40, 50,
it's not, it's not.
Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going.
Hit the brakes.
[ Bell ringing ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Wow!
[ Audience chanting "Perfect game!" ]
-Oh, my gosh! -Perfect game.
Kristina, that is correct. Congratulations.
You are going home with $33,500.
[ Cheers and applause ]
So that'll do it for "The Misery Index."
I'm Jameela Jamil, and from me and the Tenderloins,
good night!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Oh, my gosh. So exciting. What a game.
-Oh, my God! -Congratulations.
I wouldn't have argued with anything, anything.
[ Indistinct talking ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪