Welcome to "The Misery Index," where misery loves company.
-Yeah! Yeah! -Yeah!
Jameela: We have scoured the globe
for the world's most miserable true stories,
then asked a panel of respected psychologists
to rate those stories based on three pillars of misery --
physical pain, emotional trauma,
and long-term psychological impact.
The higher the combined misery,
the higher it lands on our Misery Index.
Oh! Oh, my God!
Our two contestants must try and decide
how those events were rated for a chance at our grand prize
of $30,000.
You're about to win some money!
So, let's get miserable.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Hello, I'm Jameela Jamil,
and welcome to "The Misery Index."
Tonight, we have two very miserable contestants --
Colin Cosell, who once got trolled
by thousands of angry baseball fans,
and Sami Scott, who once belly flopped so hard
she got a bloody nose.
And now, from truTV's hit "Impractical Jokers,"
Give it up for my friends The Tenderloins --
Sal, Joe, Q, and Murr!
Yeah! What's up, everybody?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah!
-Good to see you, pal. -Good to see you.
Hi, buddy.
Good to see you.
I love you!
Love you, guys! I love you!
Wow.
How are you? I'm good. How are you? How are you? I'm good. How are you?
Oh, I'm doing excellent.
Colin, what did you do that was so bad that got you trolled
by thousands of angry baseball fans?
My grandfather was the legendary broadcaster Howard Cosell,
and I wanted to follow in his footsteps
when I was very young, and I kind of did
and became the P.A. announcer for the New York Mets.
Well, I'm in my third season, but my third day,
I mispronounced a player's name for the opposing team.
His name is Joey Rickard. I called him Joey Rick-ard,
and people just eviscerated me on Twitter.
And one guy said, "You had one job, buddy."
And I'm like, "I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
So, yeah, it was -- it was rough.
Hasn't happened since.
And, Sami, how did you get a nosebleed from a belly flop?
I was at summer camp and I decided to enter
a belly flop competition,
and I hit the water so hard
that I broke all the blood vessels up this arm,
got a bloody nose that was so bad
they had to use a beach towel to stop it,
and the worst part of it was, is that I got second place.
[ Laughter ]
Okay, well, guys, please behold the keeper
of all things miserable -- it is the Traumatron.
[ Tenderloins booing ]
The name of our first game is Misery Lane,
and I'm gonna put two misery markers on the index,
and the first one is "Bounce house flies away
with your kid."
Oh, man.
And our shrinks put that at a...
76. For sure.
Yeah, because you can't get that deposit back.
Yeah, exactly.
[ Laughter ]
And the second one is "You spill nachos on a dignitary,"
which our shrinks put at a...
a 40.
Guys, I'm gonna show each of you an event.
You don't have to tell me the exact number,
just if it falls above, below, or in between
the two cards that are on the index.
Colin, you get to go first.
Please check out this misery.
So we have a truck.
The truck is going along the motorway.
Check out the little box at the top.
Murr: Oh, oh!
That has a person in it.
No! No!
That was a cherry picker!
Oh, my God, he's upside down.
Oh!
Dare I ask, was he okay?
He was okay. He was taken to hospital,
but he had no -- nothing serious.
He was alright.
It didn't look serious.
Yeah. [ Laughter ]
I mean, look, you see -- you see that coming,
you feel that impact,
you do think you're going to die, of course.
Yeah. So there's a lot of trauma going on there. Yeah. So there's a lot of trauma going on there.
Definitely some pain, as well.
How about this, though? You're a bouncy house.
You're gonna bounce. The kid is loving it.
But do you ever let your kid into one again?
Do you ever, like -- You put it on a tether from there, right?
So I'm saying in between -- Yeah, but this might happen to you again. So I'm saying in between -- Yeah, but this might happen to you again.
You just keep get out of bouncy house,
not gonna happen anymore.
This -- You'll be on the roadways.
You'll have that fear. I think it's gonna be higher.
Jameela: Okay, so, once and for all,
for $500, does "You get nailed by a semi"
land above, below, or in between
the two cards on the index?
-You go. -What have you got?
My gut initially said the middle.
Okay. Go with the middle.
So, the middle.
Okay, let's go with the middle. I'm with you, buddy.
Alright, so let's see what our shrinks say.
Good luck.
-Ohh! -[ Speaking indistinctly ]
We got this, we got this, right in the middle there.
Give me a 74.
Oh!
Well, now you learned your lesson.
I did.
Okay, so, Sami, it's your turn.
You and your team, please check out this misery.
So you see there's a person, they're carrying a child,
and....
-Oh! -What happened?
If you fall into a puddle with your child,
I don't think, me personally,
that's as bad as watching them fly away in a castle.
However, I do think it's worse
than just spilling some nachos on some old fool.
[ Laughter ]
Q: The only difference for me
is you have no control over the bounce house.
You are living in terror until that lands.
With the puddle, the world makes sense.
I've never seen a bouncy house
fly away like "The Wizard of Oz" before.
It might -- Yeah, I think we're agreeing, right?
Did I say something other than that?
I'm not sure who's saying what.
-I'm saying -- -I just want nachos
is what I'm saying.
Guess worse. Yes.
Sami, what are you thinking? How do you feel?
I have to say I'm on the same page with both of them,
even though they don't think they're on the same page.
[ Laughter ]
Um, I am gonna have to go with in between.
-In the middle. -Okay.
Jameela: You are saying it is in between.
I disagree. I think it's in between.
[ Laughter ]
Let's please see what our shrinks say.
Joe: Here we go. Oh, it's lower.
Come on, after all that, it's got to be in between.
Right. Now it's in between. You're right. Right. Now it's in between. You're right.
Sal: You got in between now.
[ Indistinct speaking ]
Yes!
You are correct.
You have banked yourself $500
and are now in the lead.
Coming up, the money doubles, but so does the misery.
And later, one of these contestants will get a shot
at $30,000.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Welcome back to "The Misery Index."
So Colin has zero and Sami has $500.
But there's lots more humiliation to explore
before one of them plays for 30 grand.
Yes.
[ Cheers and applause ]
The game of our next game is More or Less Miserable.
Colin, I'm gonna show you two deeply traumatic events,
and you just have to tell me
which is worse according to our shrinks.
So for $1,000, tell me which
one of these humiliating heartbreakers
lands higher on the Misery Index.
Is it this?
"Woman offered £7,000 to break up with fiancé --
and she took it."
It was his parents who paid her.
Oh, whoa. Why?!
What? I'd do it.
Look at her. She's all fuzzy.
[ Laughter ]
Or is this more miserable, Colin?
"Bride ruins £12,000 wedding dress
after disastrous side effects of detox drinks."
Wedding planner said the bride gambled on a fart
and lost in a big way.
[ Laughter ]
"Gambled on a fart."
Colin, you are putting yourself in the point of view
of someone whose parents have paid your fiancée
to leave you or you shart through your wedding gown.
There's such a build-up to your wedding day.
It's something you dream of. It only can really happen once.
I'd hate to say it, but you could find another fiancée
that is not so money hungry.
The parents actually probably did you a favor
by getting rid of somebody that didn't love you for real.
So, for me -- I'm not saying one way or the other,
but hear me out.
You will never have a family structure again.
Your relationship with your parents is done.
You don't even have a chance to shit yourself
at the wedding.
Well, clearly, with a shart comes some physical discomfort,
but that's going to be fleeting.
And clearly, it was enough
that she was able to get her dance in.
Q: Could you say that again in a baseball announcer's voice?
Can you be like, "Well, clearly, a shart --"
Can you try that?
[ Announcer voice ] It was the shart
that was the emotional distress,
but she made it through.
[ Laughter, applause ]
I feel like they're definitely close,
but for me, the shart edges out the get up and go.
Colin, for $1,000, which is more miserable?
Colin: I'm going to go with parents pay the fiancée.
Okay, alright.
Let's first see where our shrinks put the other choice.
Good luck.
69.
-Shoot. -It's gonna be close.
Gonna be close. Gonna be close.
Now let's see if you are right.
♪♪
Yes!
Good job. Good job.
Jameela: That is correct.
You just won $1,000.
And he's back in the game.
Okay, so, Sami, for $1,000,
tell me which one of these wild misadventures ranks
higher on the Misery Index.
Is it this?
This guy saying, "I just wanted to poop."
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Oh.
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, my God. -Amazing.
-The shame! -He's still going.
The shame!
-He's hiding. -Amazing.
Joe: He's hiding.
Pull your pants up.
Shit went down.
That was --
Or, Sami, is this more miserable?
"Bear downs 36 beers, passes out at a campground."
I mean -- Come on.
I think it's without a doubt here.
I mean, if you're in a bathroom stall
and people break in to fight,
I think that's a little bit more psychologically traumatic
than a bear stealing some beer
and falling asleep.
I think so.
So I'm gonna say the brawl in your stall
is higher. Yes.
Okay, let's first see where our shrinks
put the other choice.
Yeah, 36.
I like it a lot.
So now it's time to see if your choice is correct.
This is for $1,000.
♪♪
[ Ding! ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Sami, that is correct.
You just won yourself $1,000.
Well done.
Don't go anywhere because when we come back,
someone is headed home and someone is moving on
for their shot at $30,000.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah!
Hello and welcome back to "The Misery Index."
So it all comes down to this one miserable event
to determine who is the true master of misery,
moving on to play for their shot at the grand prize.
Currently, Sami is in the lead with $1,500,
but Colin is right on her heels with $1,000.
Guys, I'm gonna show you both the same event,
and your job is to tell us where it lands on the Misery Index
and the closest guess gets $2,000.
Please, everyone, direct your attention
to the Traumatron for our next misery.
So, today, we are here in the lovely Dover,
New Jersey's, town square for Q's punishment.
And Q is the artist that's about to reveal
the new town mural that he painted.
I painted?
Meaning he's never seen it and we had it done for him.
Murr: These are the proud residents of Dover, New Jersey.
Now, I'm gonna turn it over to the artist
who created this beautiful mural for our town, Brian Quinn.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-There he is. -Hello, hi, hello.
Hi, Dover.
Mayor Dodd.
Thank you.
Talk about how, uh, you got your inspiration.
Sal: Q, this is your Sistine Chapel, baby.
This is your Mona Lisa.
-Yeah! -Let's do it.
Three, two, one!
[ Laughter ]
Q: Alright, wait. Hold on, hold on.
I-I-I see some of you aren't getting it.
Ar-Ar-Art is subjective. That's a cute baby.
[ Laughter ]
Sal: Oh, my God.
In retrospect, I may have taken a different approach.
"Thank you for the $25,000, Mr. Mayor."
$25,000.
Mr. Mayor, I want to thank you for the $25,000
you paid me to paint this.
[ Laughter ]
Thank you, Mayor. Good luck on that -- that next term.
[ Laughter ]
Joe: Q, get out of there. Get out of there!
[ Laughter ]
The worst part of it was the outfit you guys made me wear.
[ Laughter ]
He had moments earlier finished painting apparently.
Just splatters on my hat. Like, I looked like an idiot.
So now, for $2,000, talk it through
and lock in where you think
"Your art offend an entire town" lands on the Misery Index.
It's your livelihood, right? The whole town's against you.
You're in front of everybody.
Sal: Even the mayor is there.
You're a guest of the town.
Yeah. You've been gifted the grant.
Okay, I'm gonna need everyone to lock in your answer.
-Lock it in. -Right now.
Alright.
Colin, you are locked in.
Sami, do it now. Thank you very much.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Okay, so everyone is locked in.
Let's see who has mastered the misery
by being closest to the correct answer.
Colin, you said it lands at a...
52.
-Ohh! -Wow.
That means they're close. That means they're close to us.
Sami, you've said that "Your art offends
an entire town" lands at a...
-Ooh! -Oh!
...58.
This is it, this is the final chance for either of them
to get through to the next round.
Let's see what our shrinks say.
Joe: Here we go. Come on.
Sal: Come on, Sami!
Come on, 40s. Come on, 40s.
Oh, no, no, no.
Yeah!
Whoo!
[ Bell dinging ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Let's go! -And Colin wins.
Unfortunately, that means we're going to have to say
goodbye to Sami,
but Colin is moving on and will be playing
for the $30,000 grand prize right after this.
Don't go anywhere.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yes, let's go!
Hello, and welcome back to "The Misery Index."
This is it. Colin has chosen Joe
to assist him in the grand prize final round.
It is the $30,000 Margin of Misery.
[ Thunder crashing ]
So, Colin, if you win it all,
what are you gonna do with the money?
I'm going to buy my wife a car.
We've been sharing a car for far too long,
and she gets up really early in the morning.
I want her to be able to have her own car and take herself
to and from work and have her own leisurely pace.
And -- And I'll have my crappy old car.
-That's great. -Oh, that's so nice.
Okay, so I'm going to show you three terrible events
worth $5,000, $10,000, and $15,000,
and after each one, you will place a range finder
where you think it lands on the Misery Index.
But as the money gets bigger, the range finder gets smaller.
So are you ready to play?
Yes! Let's do this.
Let's go! Alright, Colin!
So let's get miserable.
Yes, let's go.
Q: Let's go, baby! Come on, Colin!
Okay, so your first event, Colin,
is worth $5,000 and has a range of 30 points.
Take a look at this.
"Rogue drunk court reporter kept writing,
'I hate my job.'
He jeopardized the outcome of more than 30 verdicts
by repeatedly typing, 'I hate my job. I hate my job.
I hate my job. I hate my job.'"
Wow.
Look, if you hate your job, you could always get a new one,
but to go out in this fashion is tough
because you have affected other people.
So what's your instincts taking you at?
I think it's gonna be on the lower end of the spectrum.
I think the person hated their job enough.
They got what they wanted and start a new career.
Right. I mean, I think the fallout from that
is a little heavier than the bottom end of the spectrum.
But that's just me, you know. I don't know.
Yeah. Let's ask Sami. Oh, you didn't win.
I would go...
-Whoa. -[ Laughing ]
That's the kind of shade I live for on this show.
What are you thinking, Colin?
I see your point. I see your point.
But a job doesn't have permanence for me.
You get a new job. He hates his job.
This is actually a good thing.
He doesn't have to do something he hates anymore.
He's out. 35 to 65?
-Sure. -Want to go there?
Within a range of 30,
where does you hate your job land on the Misery Index?
Your time starts now.
76. Just get that extra one in the 70s in case.
-37? -Yeah.
5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
Lock it in. Okay. Alright.
Let's see.
Colin, you are locked in between 35 and 65.
For $5,000, let's see where it lands.
I think we're where we need to be.
Oh, it came in hot. Came in hot.
MAN: Come on, buddy. Come on. Come on. Go, go, go, go, go.
[ Indistinct shouting ]
-Slow down, slow down. -Stop, stop.
-Yes! -Oh, my God.
So you just banked yourself $5,000. Great.
So this next event is worth $10,000,
and you will have a range of 20 points this time.
Let's take a look.
Heavenly Father, thank you.
Thank you, Lord Jesus, for the --
[ Laughter ]
Christmas sermon that's been ruined.
It's definitely not gonna stop there.
Oh, God, because joy has come.
He doesn't even flinch. He just keeps going.
[ Laughter ]
My favorite part of this
is the fact that that man is pastor's son-in-law.
-Oh, no. -Oh, no.
[ Laughter ]
What are you thinking, Colin?
I'm thinking around like --
Eh, I'd say about like 60.
Okay, so you're thinking 40 to 60?
-40-60 range. -Ehh!
Is your thinking? Yeah, I think it's a little big. Colin, that's too high. Is your thinking? Yeah, I think it's a little big. Colin, that's too high.
Look, if you go 55, do you think it's gonna be higher than 55?
Do you think it's gonna be 56 to 60?
Or do you want those extra 5 points on this side?
For me, I want the 5 points on that side. Okay, well, it's time to decide. For me, I want the 5 points on that side. Okay, well, it's time to decide.
Within a range of 20 points,
where does you ruin the prayer land on the index?
Your 10 seconds starts now.
[ Audience shouting ]
35. You want to go 36, you can.
5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going.
Keep going, keep going. Yeah. Yeah.
Lock it in.
Alright, I like it. I like it. Alright.
-I think it's like 40. -Okay.
-We feel good. -This is for $10,000.
Let's find out.
Where did our shrinks rate it on the Misery Index?
Good luck, Colin.
-Come on, baby. -Alright.
-Come on. -Alright, alright, come on.
-Come on, buddy. Come on. -All-wheel drive.
-Hurry up, hurry up.
Yeah, stop. Yeah!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-$10,000! -Yes! Whoo!
-Yes! -Nice work.
Let's go!
Alright, well, that was correct.
And you have just earned yourself $10,000.
Whoo!
Okay, here we go. This is it.
Our final misery is worth $15,000.
And you are going to have to get it
within a range of only 10 points this time.
Good luck. Take a look at this.
Alright.
-Uh-oh. -Oh!
Oh, my goodness.
-Oh, shit. -Oh, my God.
-The timing. -Oh, my God.
The timing-- The timing's impeccable.
I mean, look, you know, there's definitely pain, right?
Pain's 33, boom, right there, right?
So, you know you're gonna go up there.
You only have 10 points to play with.
For me, I kind of like 58 to 68.
-Yes. -Whoa!
That's exactly what we said.
Exactly what we said, that exact number. Really? Exactly what we said, that exact number. Really?
Colin, what do you think? How are you feeling?
-I was initially thinking 70. -What were you thinking?
Do you want to meet halfway and say 60-70? Well done.
Jameela: Within a range of 10,
where does truck bed smacks your head land on the Misery Index?
Your 10 seconds starts now.
-Alright, come on, buddy. -Come on, buddy.
-Go, go, go, go, go. -Higher!
5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Yeah, keep going. Okay, there, there. There.
-Do it? -Do it.
-Lock in. Okay. -Okay, okay.
This is it.
He has locked in for the last time.
All of the Tenderloins are coming to join you.
So for $15,000, let's see where the truck bed smacked your head
lands on the Misery Index.
Good luck.
Q: Come on. No, no, no, no, no.
[ Indistinct shouting ]
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
Keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going.
-Keep going. -Stop, stop, stop.
No! [ Buzzer ] No! [ Buzzer ]
Just missed.
I am afraid that is incorrect.
But congratulations,
'cause you're still going home with $18,000.
$18,000.
That will do it for "The Misery Index."
I'm Jameela Jamil.
And from me and the Tenderloins, and from Colin, good night.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Indistinct talking ]
♪♪