Welcome to "The Misery Index," where misery loves company.
-Yeah! Yeah! -Yeah!
Jameela: We have scoured the globe
for the world's most miserable true stories,
then asked a panel of respected psychologists
to rate those stories based on three pillars of misery --
physical pain, emotional trauma,
and long-term psychological impact.
The higher the combined misery,
the higher it lands on our Misery Index.
Oh! Oh, my God!
Our two contestants must try and decide
how those events were rated for a chance at our grand prize
of $30,000.
You're about to win some money!
So, let's get miserable.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Hello, I'm Jameela Jamil,
and welcome to "The Misery Index."
Tonight, we have two very miserable contestants --
Sara Raman, who once threw up while hooking up,
and Jordan McLennan,
who once reached into a claw machine and got stuck.
And now from truTV's hit "Impractical Jokers,"
give it up for the Tenderloins, Sal, Joe, Q, and Murr!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Good luck.
Oh, how are you? Good luck! Hi! Oh, how are you? Good luck! Hi!
Alright!
Hey, what's going on?
Jordan: Hello, hello.
Very floral. Thank you very much. I try.
Look at you, dressed like a grown-up.
Yeah. Just you.
You don't look like a grown-up, either.
Looks like pajamas I had when I was young.
[ Laughter ]
Sara, what's your story?
I was on this really great date with a really great guy,
ended up hooking up,
and what I thought was a cute little burp
was actually me throwing up
$300 worth of food on him, so...
Oh, wow. Jameela: And what about you, Jordan?
When I was younger, I saw a claw machine.
I really wanted this toy inside of it,
so I shoved my arm in there
and then shoved a little bit more.
It got stuck.
They had to call the fire department to pull it out,
and I did not leave with a toy.
[ Laughter ]
Well, guys, behold the keeper of all things miserable.
It isn't Murray's brain. It is the Traumatron.
[ Thunder rumbles ]
So the name of our first game is Misery Lane.
So, guys, I'm gonna show you two misery markers on the index,
and the first one is
"Your spouse keeps joking about divorce"...
[ Laughter ]
...which our shrinks have put at a...57.
And the second one is
"Your gymnastics routine get straight 1s,"
which our shrinks put at...
only a 36.
Okay, so basically, I'm gonna show each of you an event.
You don't have to tell me the exact number,
just if it falls above, below,
or in between the two cards that are on the index.
Sara, keep your food down. You're going first.
Okay.
Check out this misery.
They're driving. They're driving.
They're looking to park.
And...
[ Laughter ]
...they see a perfectly good spot as far as I'm concerned.
What happened?
Whoa!
That's one way to make a spot.
[ As Ace Ventura ] Like a glove.
[ Laughter ]
They're not done.
[ Laughter ]
Also a very good spot.
Oh, wow. Wow.
And the best part is there is clearly one spot open
in the very front. I know, right there. in the very front. I know, right there.
Physical pain is immediate.
I mean, that looked painful to me.
I think it is emotionally just, like, traumatic
to have to explain to people
that you crashed into their car and you suck at parking.
The other one, even though it's a divorce,
it is a joke. Yeah.
That divorce thing, that's a real life-altering thing.
I think there's more emotional pain
and long-term impact with a divorce.
I would say in the middle.
I'm gonna go over.
Okay. We're gonna go over.
I feel over, too.
I think it could go either way,
but let's all join forces.
I think just a little bit over.
Let's go a little bit over.
We're going over. A little bit over.
Let's see what our shrinks say.
Good luck.
Alright, alright, come on.
"You suck at parking."
Come on, "You suck at parking."
I mean, you took out a whole parking lot.
Yeah!
You have to go high. You suck.
Oh!
Those rates -- they don't come down.
Oh!
Joe, you were on the money.
Yes. Sara: You were.
Wow. Nice. Wow. Nice.
Yeah, Papa came to play, guys. [ Laughter ]
So, Sara, I'm afraid that means you are incorrect,
but now you know who your daddy is.
[ Laughter ] Okay, so, Jordan, it is your turn. [ Laughter ] Okay, so, Jordan, it is your turn.
Please check out this misery.
Oh, this is not gonna be good.
He's gone for a gentle shop.
Oh!
[ Audience groans ]
[ Laughs ]
Jordan: That looks rough.
Q: That -- Uh, yeah.
Parasites!
[ Laughing ] Parasites.
They go in your pee hole.
You've had parasites in your pee hole?
No, not me, but I've read about it and seen it.
You've seen it?! Wait, whoa, whoa, time out.
You've seen parasites in not yours,
but somebody else's pee hole?
Parasites go in all the orifices, and then --
Why are you pointing at me?
[ Laughter ]
You have them.
Why do I have the parasitic orifices?
[ Laughter ]
Okay, so for $500, does "You get KO'd by a flood"
land above, below, or in between?
I'm saying it's higher. You're out of your mind. I'm saying it's higher. You're out of your mind.
Divorce can be a blessing. I think it's between.
I don't know. I think joking about divorce,
I would rather do that
than get hit in the face with a pole.
I'm gonna say higher.
So you have said that it is higher on the index.
Let's see what our shrinks say.
No, no, no, no, no, no, stay, stay. It does this. It does this. No, no, no, no, no, no, stay, stay. It does this. It does this.
Don't worry about this. Okay.
It likes to mess with your head. Go back, go back. It likes to mess with your head. Go back, go back.
We're not -- We're not lower. We're not lower. Okay.
No, keep going. Don't stop.
Keep going, keep going. Go, go, go, go!
Plant it.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Alright, buddy.
Alright, good job, good job, good job.
Okay, so you are correct.
You have just banked $500. Well done.
However, coming up, the money doubles
and so does the misery,
and later, one of these contestants
will get a shot at 30 grand.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hello, and welcome back to "The Misery Index."
So Sara has no money, but Jordan has $500.
And there is lots more humiliation to explore
before one of them plays for $30,000.
Yes. We're ready. We're ready.
Could you use 30 grand? Oh, my God.
The name of our next game is More or Less Miserable.
So, Sara, you're up first.
So for $1,000 this time,
tell me which one of these cursed cuts
lands higher on the Misery Index.
[ Laughter ]
So the base was hard,
but evidently, the drugs were harder.
Or is this more miserable?
Murr: What?!
Wha...[laughs] She thought...
Wow.
I have never seen a severed human head before,
and I imagine if I did,
it would affect me for quite some time after. The rest of your life. it would affect me for quite some time after. The rest of your life.
Yeah, but at least you can still play the guitar.
Yeah, for sure.
I know, but it's also your neighbor, right?
So you have to move.
Well, I assume the cops are swooping in
and taking him away at that point.
Oh, I mean, I hope so. I should hope so.
And, like, you can live without a finger.
People live without limbs all the time,
and they live happy, happy lives.
I go lose a finger at the rave, but that's me.
You follow your gut.
We're going with the head.
Okay. Let's go with that. Sal: Ooh!
I'm with you. I'm with you.
For $1,000, which is more miserable --
"You lose a finger at a rave" or "You find a severed head"?
I'm gonna change my mind. You lose a finger at a rave.
[ Audience groans ]
My God! Sal: Very unorthodox!
Jameela: Okay.
Locking it in. Jameela: Okay, so you've said --
Are you the mistress of misery?
I'm sorry. Am I in the wrong place?
Okay, let's just calm down a little bit, Sara.
Let's see first where our shrinks put the other choice.
Sal: Oh, this is so difficult.
Oh, my God!
You're gonna have to beat an 80.
So now let's see if Joe is still your daddy.
Q: Come on, Daddy.
[ Buzzer ] [ Audience groans ] [ Buzzer ] [ Audience groans ]
69. Sal is your daddy.
I am your new father for right now.
So, Jordan, for $1,000,
tell me which one of these close calls ranks higher
on the Misery Index.
Oh, I hate sharks. Sharks. Yeah, okay. Oh, I hate sharks. Sharks. Yeah, okay.
Oh, they're, like, hanging out.
Look at the size of the shark to the cage. Who's filming? Look at the size of the shark to the cage. Who's filming?
[ Laughter ]
I like the fact that he's taking a dump
just before he then goes in to try and eat them,
like he's clearing the way.
[ Laughter ]
Okay, Jordan, or is this more miserable?
Well, hello.
I've been scaring my friend Nick for an entire year.
Here are my results.
[ Screams ]
Oh, I love this guy.
[ Screaming ]
[ Laughter ]
I would like to go on the record and say
that I 100% blame you four for these videos.
[ Laughter ]
Alright, you're getting screamed at by your friend.
It's embarrassing, it's shocking,
but that's not gonna affect you long-term at all.
It's not painful.
365 days a year,
you live in terror in your own home.
You don't know when he's gonna strike, where he's gonna strike.
Are you gonna be on the toilet? Are you gonna get something out of the fridge?
Are you on your phone with your girlfriend?
What -- You don't know.
Jameela: Okay, so which one is more miserable?
A "Shark takes a dump on you"
or "You're scared every day for a year"?
I didn't realize it was every day.
I'm gonna go with "You're scared ...less every day for a year."
Okay. Quick response. Good man.
Let's first see where our shrinks put the other choice.
Sal: Okay. Good luck.
Jordan: Okay. Jameela: Okay, only a 32. Jordan: Okay. Jameela: Okay, only a 32.
You got this. This is great. That's low. You can beat that.
So now let's see if your choice is correct.
Did you just win $1,000?
Yeah, he did. Yeah, he did.
[ Ding ]
That's what I'm talking about.
Smart! Thank you.
You have just won yourself $1,000.
Do not go anywhere 'cause when we come back,
someone is headed home and someone is moving on
for their shot at $30,000.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Welcome back to "The Misery Index."
So, it all comes down to this one miserable event
to determine who is the true Master of Misery,
moving on to play for their shot at the grand prize.
So Jordan is in the lead with $1,500,
but Sara still has nothing.
Joe: Tax-free, though. Tax free.
So I'm gonna show you both the same event,
and your job is just to tell us
where it lands on the Misery Index.
And the closest guess gets $2,000
and will move on to play for their shot at the grand prize.
Everyone, please direct your attention to my good friend
the Traumatron for our next misery.
Q: Oh! Murr: Oh! Q: Oh! Murr: Oh!
So today, we're here at Twinkle Playspace for kids.
That's right. And you know what parents love?
They love when other parents try to do their job for them.
Yeah, and, Joe, you're the only parent amongst us.
And you're always talking about,
"I'm a parent, I'm a parent, I'm a parent."
So get in there and parent other people's kids.
These are my three children.
[ Laughter ]
Sal: Ooh. Is that woman texting?
You can't keep your eyes on your kids when you're texting, Joe.
That's right.
-What's your secret? -For?
Texting and watching a child at the same time.
Oh-oh-oh-oh!
Oh, no. Someone's gonna get slapped. Oh, what was that -- Parent was on that slide. Oh, no. Someone's gonna get slapped. Oh, what was that -- Parent was on that slide.
It's for children.
[ Laughter ]
Q: Ah, the look!
[ Laughter ]
Let me ask you something.
Being here, what percentage of parents
do you think are good parents?
You know, what I did? I put a chip in my son
so I know where he is at all times.
I put a chip inside my child
to know where he is at all times.
It's a kid tracker.
No, but it's also -- They do wonderful things. It's Wi-Fi.
It's Wi-Fi enabled, so it makes him
very popular at the playgrounds 'cause he's a Wi-Fi hotspot.
[ Laughter ]
If you want to use it, the password's "sugartits."
[ Laughter ]
If you want to connect to my son's Wi-Fi,
the password's "sugartits."
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Oh, thank you. He makes it look easy. Oh, thank you. He makes it look easy.
Sad thing is, I have to go home and change my Wi-Fi password.
[ Laughter ]
Jameela: Joe, tell us how that felt.
Talking to other parents about their children
is just one of the most basic faux pas.
You also had no children there of your own,
making you doubly suspicious. Yes. Yeah.
Okay, well, so now for $2,000,
I need you to talk it through and lock in where you think
"You get parent-shamed"
lands on the Misery Index.
There's no long-term psychological impact. No.
I don't know. I don't know. Oh, this is so hard.
It's not that high, right? It's not physical.
Like, I'm gonna say in the low 50s.
Okay, guys, you're gonna have to wrap it up.
Boom, we're locked in.
Okay, Jordan is locked in. Sara, lock in now.
We're locked, baby. We're locked, and we're feeling good.
Yeah, we're locked, baby.
Let's see who has mastered the misery by being
the closest to the correct answer.
So, Sara, you said that "You get parent-shamed" lands at a...
[ Sara gasps ]
Come on, now. Alright, alright.
And, Jordan, you said it lands at a...
36.
Oh!
So let's see what our shrinks say.
Alright. Let's see. Here we go.
Stay up, stay up. Stay.
Down, down, down. Here we go.
[ Applause ]
[ Cheering ]
And the winner is Jordan!
You did it!
[ Cheers and applause ] Oh, yeah! [ Cheers and applause ] Oh, yeah!
Okay, so unfortunately,
that means we're gonna have to say goodbye to Sara,
but Jordan is moving on, where he will be playing
for the $30,000 grand prize right after this.
Do not go anywhere.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Let's go, guys.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Welcome back to "The Misery Index."
So, Jordan has chosen Q to assist him
in the grand prize final round,
the $30,000 Margin of Misery.
[ Thunder rumbles ]
So, Jordan, if or when you win,
what are you gonna do with the money?
So I have a very irrational fear of owls.
Like, they terrify me.
So there is a little café in Japan that's all owls.
So I want to get over my fear of owls,
so I'm gonna let them sit on me and try not to cry.
Oh, my God. Three seasons,
and that's the weirdest answer we've ever had.
I love it. I love it.
Thank you.
Okay, well, let's get this man to his weird [bleep] owls.
Jordan, I'm going to show you three terrible events
worth $5,000, $10,000, and $15,000.
After each one, you will place a range finder
where you think it lands on the Misery Index.
But as the money gets bigger, the rangefinder gets smaller.
Are you ready to play?
I'm ready to play. Let's do it.
So let's...get...miserable.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Come on. Let's do this, baby.
Sir, your first event is worth $5,000
and has a range of 30 points.
Please take a look.
♪ Kiki, do you love me? ♪
♪ Are you riding? ♪
[ Tires screech ]
[ Audience groans ]
Oh, my God!
[ Tires screech ]
Jordan: Oh, my gosh.
Okay, so just to be clear,
this was the big "In My Feelings" Drake challenge...
"In My Feelings." ...that happened all over social media. "In My Feelings." ...that happened all over social media.
♪ Are you riding? ♪
♪ Never leave ♪
♪ Do you love me? ♪
♪ Are you riding? ♪
♪ Say you'll never ever leave from beside me ♪
No, please, no.
You know.
I just [bleep]
[ Laughter ]
I just left.
[ Laughter ]
Physical pain through the roof.
Oh, totally. Right away.
That's online.
So a lot of people are gonna see that.
That's humiliating. That's terrible. That's humiliating. That's terrible.
And the fear in his eyes -- you saw him --
like, he tried to get lower than the car was
to, like, get under it. He tried to go under the car.
That car hit him like an owl.
Oh, my gosh. What are we doing? Oh, my gosh. What are we doing?
Okay, so let me ask you something.
Do you feel it's below 60?
I want to say like early 60s.
Okay, so if you wanted to --
So let's put, like, you know, some 50s in there.
I like it. Let's see what happens if we start --
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Did I tell you to touch your rangefinder?
You did not. Did I tell you to? You did not. Did I tell you to?
You did not. I don't think I did.
I was trying to do math
'cause I can't do it right now 'cause I'm nervous.
My bad. That's my bad.
Hands where I can see them, fellas.
Okay.
She's worse than an owl.
So within a range of 30,
where does "You get hit by a car"
land on the Misery Index?
Your time starts now.
Okay.
[ Audience shouting "Higher!" ]
I think you gotta go higher. We're not --
Five, four...
I think that's okay. I think I'm gonna lock us in.
Lock her in. Lock it in.
Locked in. Joe: Jordan, we like it. Locked in. Joe: Jordan, we like it.
So for $5,000,
let's see where "You get hit by a car" lands.
Jordan: I think this is the sweet spot.
Yeah, we got it. We got this.
No, no, no. It's gonna go. It's gonna go.
There's no way it's that low. There's no way.
And then they agonize me, going so slow.
Come on. Keep going. It has to keep going.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Right off the bat, boy! Whoo!
You have just banked $5,000.
Well done.
Okay, so this next event is worth $10,000,
and you will have a range of 20 points.
Please take a look.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Do I have to?
Just so you know, they're not nipples.
"Someone told her, 'You'll need a bra for that.'"
No, that is nipples.
It's not nipples. It's actually her back.
How long did she lay out?
And what desert was she in?
Above a 50. I would argue above a 60.
I feel like I'm gonna have to take a quick lie-down.
Being told you need a bra for your back.
But the pain is through the roof, right? Yes.
So one pillar right away is all the way up there.
Emotional trauma. That's so emotional.
Yeah, I have emotional trauma.
Alright, based on Jameela's reaction,
we can go pretty high, I think, right? Yeah.
I'm gonna say like between like 50 and 70.
Okay, so within a range of 20,
where does "You get huge sunburn blisters" land on the index?
Jordan, your 10 seconds starts right now.
Joe: Come on, Jordan.
Okay, I know I'm up here somewhere.
Okay, if that's where you feel it, you got to do it.
Five, four, three...
Go with your gut. Go with your gut.
...one, lock in.
Alright, okay, great. I think you got it.
For $10,000, where did our shrinks rate
you get huge, huge sunburn blisters?
[ Chuckles ]
Murr: We think you got it.
Q: Alright. I think you have it. I do think you have it.
This part is agonizing. Please keep going.
Keep going, keep going, keep going.
Stop! Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yes! Yes!
Whoo! Oh, my God.
That is correct.
You just banked yourself $10,000 more.
Do you know how many back bras I could buy with $10,000?
[ Laughter ]
This is the final misery. Oh, my gosh. This is the final misery. Oh, my gosh.
You are playing a perfect game so far.
This next one is worth $15,000,
and you are going to have to get it within a range
only of 10 points this time.
Take a look at this.
Thousands of penises wash up on a beach,
and we're putting that on a Misery Index?
I know.
I mean, for some people, that's a pretty fun time.
I call this a party.
[ Laughter ]
Long-term psychologically traumatic.
It's a funny story.
It's emotional a little bit
because you took your family to this beach.
Saved up, you wanted to go to the beach,
you got a penis in your face instead, yes, very traumatic.
What's your gut say?
My gut is saying like 14 or something.
14. Yeah. 14. Yeah.
But this is a family vacation. It's been ruined.
I hate the beach, so I'm not worried.
Okay, well, your 10 seconds start...
right now.
Right now? Oh.
Higher, higher, higher, higher, higher.
Five, four, three, two, one, lock in.
Oh!
Okay, you are locked in
between 14 and 24.
That feels low.
It feels low.
We're here for you. Thank you.
We've come down from our castle.
You've already won a lot of money.
It's all gravy at this point.
But this is more.
So for $15,000, let's see
where "Your family vacation is ruined by penis beach"
lands on the Misery Index.
Jordan: Oh, I don't know that I can watch.
I think low 20s good.
Joe: Please just slow down right away.
Stop! Stop!
Oh, no way!
[ Buzzer ]
34?!
Guys, it was family vacation that got ruined.
That's money, that's plans,
but speaking of money, congratulations,
'cause you are still going home or to Japan
with $18,500.
Whoo! I'll take it!
Jameela: That is a lot of money. Well done.
So, that'll do it for "The Misery Index."
I am Jameela Jamil, and from me and the Tenderloins, good night!
[ Cheers and applause ]
36 for penises on the beach?
You did so well. So well.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪