Welcome to "The Misery Index," where misery loves company.
-Yeah! Yeah! -Yeah!
Jameela: We have scoured the globe
for the world's most miserable true stories,
then asked a panel of respected psychologists
to rate those stories based on three pillars of misery --
physical pain, emotional trauma,
and long-term psychological impact.
The higher the combined misery,
the higher it lands on our misery index.
Oh! Oh, my God!
Our two contestants must try and decide
how those events were rated for a chance at our grand prize
of $30,000.
You're about to win some money!
So, let's get miserable.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Hello. I'm Jameela Jamil.
And welcome to "The Misery Index."
Tonight, we have two very miserable contestants --
James Schultz, who once farted
in front of a president,
and Hibba Kapil, who was once
robbed in a rickshaw.
And now from truTV's hit "Impractical Jokers,"
give it up for the Tenderloins --
Sal, Joe, Q, and Murr!
[ Cheers and applause ] Hello.
Oh, no, they didn't! Oh, no, they didn't!
Ready to win some money? So nice to meet you.
It's been brought, Jameela. We are here.
Nice to see you guys. How are you?
Nice to see you. Good, good. How are you?
Good, good. Very good.
Alright, you farted in front of a president.
-What happened? -Yes, Jameela.
I farted in front of former president Bill Clinton.
As I was shaking his hand, I let out an audible fart.
And -- Oh, you're a legend.
You're a legend.
Now, I knew that he heard it
because he looked directly at me as I'm shaking his hand
and just leans in and just go, "Oh, boy, that was nice.
Alright.
I'll see you later, man. Nice to meet you."
Hibba, tell us what happened.
Well, this was in India a couple of years ago.
I was coming on a rickshaw with my mom,
and my purse was in my hand, and two guys come from the back
and they tried to snatch the purse.
And I'm thinking I'm some ninja warrior.
I'm, like, holding on to it.
Of course, I ended up being dragged along the purse.
The worst part is, my mom was more upset
about the purse than me.
-Ohh. -I think so.
Classic.
[ Laughter ]
Okay, guys, please behold the keeper of all things miserable.
It is the Traumatron.
All: Ooh!
You're gonna be great.
The name of our first game is Misery Lane.
I'm gonna put two misery markers on the index.
And the first one is...
[ All groan ]
-Gosh. -Oh, no. Oh.
And our shrinks put that at a...
That's got to be high up there. Yeah. Thank you.
-Yeah. -67. That's fair.
And the second one is...
And our shrinks only put this...
at 28. -28. Yep.
So I'm going to show each of you an event.
You don't have to tell me the exact number.
You just have to determine if it falls above, below,
or in between the two cards that you see on the index.
James, you get to go first.
Oh, nice.
Please check out this misery.
Once we scan back up, keep your eye
on the top of the mountain right there. Q: Oh, no, mountain climbing. on the top of the mountain right there. Q: Oh, no, mountain climbing.
Oh! oh.
But look at what happened.
Joe: He's falling down a mountain.
Oh, wow. It's like a movie.
-Oh! -Oh, oh, oh.
It just keep going.
-Oh. Oh, my God. -Oh, oh.
Oh. This is -- This is Action Park in New Jersey.
I actually had a great time here when I was a kid.
It's fantastic. That's what they would do. It's the Alpine Slide. It's fantastic. That's what they would do. It's the Alpine Slide.
The Alpine Slide. Q: Yeah, the Alpine Slide at Action Park.
James, I'm sorry to cut to the chase,
but falling down a mountain is worse.
That's your final answer.
[ Laughter ]
We've decided -- the mountain.
When he -- Listen, come here. Oh, my God.
When he's in beast mode, we make money.
Do you understand what I'm saying? Absolutely.
He's in beast mode. Yeah, I see him. He's in beast mode. Yeah, I see him.
You see him, right? Alright, alright, alright.
-Alright. -James, what do you think?
Number one, I'm definitely gonna think about
the idea of physical pain.
You're falling down a mountain.
You think you could literally die,
and the paper cut on your cornea,
you could probably heal much quicker.
Enough. The answer's mountain.
Let's see.
So with Beast Murr, I am going to say
that you falling down a mountain is above.
-Very good. -There you go.
Jameela: Okay, you have said it is above.
Let's see what our shrinks say.
Good luck.
Alright.
I wouldn't even be worried. He's in beast mode.
You ain't got to worry about this, dude.
You got it. Come on, come on, come on.
Go. Go. Go.
Keep going, keep going, keep going.
Oh, oh. Keep going, keep going, keep going.
-Yes! -Alright.
Whoo!
You are correct, and you just won yourself $500.
-Well done. -Whoo!
It's a start. Celebration's not necessary. It's a start. Celebration's not necessary.
Jameela: Okay, Hibba, please check out this misery.
Okay.
Woman: This 11-year-old boy from Brazil
is attracting more than just attention.
Ooh! How about small change, forks, spoons... Ooh! How about small change, forks, spoons...
Oh, my gosh. ...nail clippers, even an electric razor. Oh, my gosh. ...nail clippers, even an electric razor.
And the list goes on.
The boy's chest and back have a rare magnetic draw.
[ Speaking native language ]
At school, the boy says,
his classmates call him Magnet Boy,
a nickname that so far has, well, stuck.
The good news is if you're at the beach
and you lose your ring, you just make him
roll around in the sand for a little bit.
Hibba, you are thinking about this from the point of view
of you are the magnet. Yeah.
Right. So, what are you thinking? Alright. Right. So, what are you thinking? Alright.
Well, I'm thinking that there is no physical pain
to being magnetic. Great. to being magnetic. Great.
Yes. Paper cut heals.
Last in dodgeball, you get another chance.
You know, it's not emotional, not physical,
maybe a little bit of, you know, embarrassment. Embarrassment. maybe a little bit of, you know, embarrassment. Embarrassment.
So I think it's -- it's higher than 67.
-Hmm, interesting. -No?
My instinct was in between,
but I'm happy to make a case for you if you think it's above.
It's gonna be close to the cornea.
I think it's gonna be up, but I still think it's gonna be in the middle.
I think it's gonna be lower than the 60s.
Okay, so for $500, does you are a magnet land above, below,
or in between the other two cards on the index?
Okay, let's go for above.
You're going against your teammates.
Let's see how that works out for you.
Let's see what our shrinks say.
It's a lifelong thing. Joe: Come on, 68. It's a lifelong thing. Joe: Come on, 68.
It is. It is. It's lifelong. It's a lifelong thing.
Come on, go up, go up, go up, go up. You're dealing with it forever. Come on, go up, go up, go up, go up. You're dealing with it forever.
-You're dealing with it forever. -Please, please.
Don't go below 28. The paper cut heals.
Oh, my God. No, no, no.
The paper cut heals. Go up.
Right, right, right, right.
Right! Right!
[ Buzzer ] Man!
-Okay. -Alright.
I'm afraid you are incorrect and you did not bank $500.
But it's okay. It's not over. It's alright, we're like the underdog. But it's okay. It's not over. It's alright, we're like the underdog.
Coming up, the money doubles, and so does the misery.
And later, one of these contestants
will get a shot at $30,000.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Welcome back to "The Misery Index."
James has $500, and Hibba has nothing.
But there's lots more humiliation to explore
before one of them plays for $30,000.
-Yes. Go. -Whoo!
Hibba, you are trailing behind.
You're up first.
Are you gonna listen to your teammates this time?
-I will. -Okay.
I'm going to show you two deeply traumatic events,
and you will have to tell me which is worse,
according to our shrinks.
For $1,000, tell me which one of these lousy lifts
lands higher on the Misery Index.
Is it this?
Q: Oh, my God. Oh, yeah.
She says, "When I ran at Andy, he tried to lift me,
but we just collided."
I mean, they certainly didn't have the time of their lives.
No, for sure not.
Or is this more miserable?
Oh, which is worse between these two?
I think your ambulance picks up hitchhikers
is more miserable because already you are
in physical pain if you're in ambulance.
And then there's emotional trauma in the moment
because you don't know what's gonna happen to you
because, are you getting to the hospital,
or you're just gonna die here?
The ambulance has one job.
Yeah, get me to the hospital.
You're not a taxi.
Okay, so you are saying
that your ambulance picking up hitchhikers is worse.
Let's first see where our shrinks put the other choice.
Good luck.
58.
And now let's see if you are right.
Alright. Come on. Come on.
Come on, ambulance.
Move right.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Jameela: That is correct. You just won $1,000.
And we have a game.
Alright, James, you're up.
For $1,000, please tell me which one of these body bangers
ranks higher on the Misery Index.
Is it this?
Oh, no.
Q: Body bangers a bad thing.
Oh. God.
That's how Murray comes out of a bathroom stall.
[ Chanting "Beast mode!" ]
Please, I do not require your applause.
Jameela, we are ready to see the next clip.
I'm not really your secretary, Beast Mode Murray, so...
-So noted. -James, are you ready to see?
Are you ready? Then I am ready.
Jameela: Oh, my God.
James, take a look at this.
Is this more miserable?
Q: Oh, I love it. I love it.
Joe: Oh, wow.
Jameela: This is all alleged.
And please know the charges were dismissed.
Basically, he got the gun off of her
and then put it in the toilet.
Here's the factors you need to consider.
First, your girlfriend pulls a gun on you from her vagina.
It undercuts the entire relationship you've got with her.
You will never trust her or said vagina again.
Second, the gate has incredible physical pain
that trumps any possible shooting from said vagina.
Clearly, it's the gate.
Wow. Okay.
I hear what you're saying about -- But a gun is -- No.
You're never gonna look at a vagin-- No, no, no.
Alright, but just -- No. Alright, but just -- No.
-No. No. -No.
So, James, please tell me, which one is more miserable?
You're destroyed by a gate
is more miserable than a vagina gun is pulled on you.
-Wow. Alright. -Okay.
Let's first see where our shrinks put the vagina gun.
-Ooh! -55.
I think you got it.
Now let's see if your choice is correct.
Good luck, James.
Please be right.
Please, please, please. I think you got it.
Yes!
[ Chanting "Beast mode!" ]
Jameela: That is correct.
And you just won yourself $1,000.
Congratulations.
Don't go anywhere, because when we come back,
someone is headed home
and someone is moving on for their shot at $30,000.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hello, and welcome back to "The Misery Index."
It all comes down to this one miserable event
to determine who is the true master of misery
moving on to play for their shot at the grand prize.
So James has $1,500,
and Hibba is right on his heels with $1,000.
Tonight, we are going to put your ears to the test.
You're going to have to rate this misery
based solely on what you can hear.
And that means no video.
However, our shrinks got to see the whole video,
but you won't until after you lock in your score,
because I'm the mistress of misery
and I'm a bit of a bitch, so...
Whoever is closest to our shrinks' score wins the round.
Let's play the Sound of Misery.
-Yeah! -Let's have a listen.
-I'm excited. -Alright.
[ Man gags ]
[ Coughs ]
Ohh.
[ Gags ]
Oh.
[ Gags ]
Ohh.
[ Gags ]
-Oh. -He's throwing up.
[Bleep] Dirty girl. Ohh.
Something's coming out of him.
[ Groans ]
[ Gags ]
Ah. Ohh.
I'm pretty sure that was James meeting President Clinton.
[ Laughter ]
Okay, so now for $2,000, please talk it through
and lock in where you think this awful audio
lands on the Misery Index.
The worst-case scenario, he's throwing up.
Yes. So there is slight physical pain.
Really horrible to be throwing up.
-Dirty girl. -It's going to end...
-He's not dying. -He's not dying.
He's fixing the problem, but it's still...
Okay, Hibba, James, lock in your scores.
Okay, okay.
Hibba's locked in. We're locked, we're locked.
James is locked in. Okay.
So, James, what do you think this video is gonna be?
Something's coming out of somebody.
Something's always coming out of somebody.
Like, he's pulling something out.
Like, when I hear, "Ooh, dirty,"
I hear, like, something like, "Oh, dirty girl."
Like, he's like, "Oh, there's another one."
Okay, Hibba, what's your take?
Well, I think it's definitely he's puking.
He has those funny comments to make.
So I guess he's okay. He's not dying. Yeah.
I think that's very insightful.
So before we reveal our scores, let's take a look at the video
behind this miserable audio clip.
Oh, it's just a diaper change.
[ Gags ]
Oh, I did not think of this.
-Dirty girl. -Literally a dirty girl.
Literally.
[ Coughs ]
-Come on. -Dry heaving.
[ Coughs ]
-Don't throw up on the baby. -Don't do that.
-Dirty girl. -Oh, my God.
That's it? That's the dirty girl?
Why video yourself?
[ Coughs ]
What?
Somewhat of an overreaction.
Oh, wow. Alright.
So, wow. None of us thought it was that.
So now that we've seen the video,
let's see who has mastered the misery
by being closest to the correct answer.
James, you ranked this sound of misery at a...
Hibba: Please go back. Go back, go back, go back.
Jameela: ...50.
And, Hibba, you put it at a...
42.
Okay, well, let's see what our shrinks say.
This is it.
We're gonna find out who is going on to finish the game
for the $30,000 prize.
[ Indistinct talking ]
[ Audience shouting ]
45. You know it's under a 42, yes. Please.
Yes!
Oh, my goodness.
It's all good.
Hibba wins!
Unfortunately, that means
that we're gonna have to say goodbye to James,
but Hibba is moving on and will be playing
for the $30,000 grand prize right after this.
Don't go anywhere.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Welcome back to "The Misery Index."
Hibba has chosen Sal to assist her
in the grand prize final round.
This is the $30,000 Margin of Misery.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hibba, what are you gonna do with money if you win?
I'm gonna get a new car,
maybe something badass like a Jeep or something
with, like, open roof.
Q: Now you're talking my language.
Yeah, badass Jeep!
Jameela: Okay, so I'm gonna show you three terrible events
worth $5,000, $10,000, and $15,000.
And after each one, you're gonna place a range finder
where you think it lands on the Misery Index.
But as the money grows, the range finder gets smaller.
Are you ready to play?
-Yes. -Yes, she is.
-Yes! Yes! -We are ready to go, Jameela.
Sal: Give it up for Hibba, everybody!
Let's get miserable.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Let's get miserable. Here we go.
Hibba, your first event is worth $5,000.
There's a range of 30 points this time.
Take a look.
"Driven mad by incessant beeping,
couple tears down walls to discover smoke alarm
was in the dresser all along."
And the response was,
"At least the noise had stopped at long last."
Okay, Hibba, here is what's
throwing me off a little bit, right?
They dealt with the noise for a year.
So that frustration mounting I think has to be accounted for.
Ultimately, you put up some Sheetrock,
you patch it up again, so I don't think it's crazy bad.
But I do think we have to take into consideration
the fact that they had beeping going on for a year
and didn't know where it was coming from, right?
There's monetary pain if you're redoing a house for no reason.
The beeping is annoying.
And if you're old, things annoy you way more than --
If you do want to clip any of the 20s,
I'd go very high 20s.
That's what I would say. Okay, well, within a range of 30,
where does you tear your house apart for no reason land
on the Misery Index?
-Your time starts now. -30 to 60.
Joe: Come on. Come on.
-Whoa, back it up. -You like that?
-Back it up. -Like that? I like that.
Jameela: 4, 3, 2, 1. Lock it in.
Okay, alright. Okay.
28 to 58 is where you are locked in.
For $5,000, let's see where it lands.
This is it.
Hopefully we're gonna get to the 50s.
Hopefully we're gonna get into the 50s.
Oh, my God. Why is it starting to --
Go right there. Right there, right there, right there.
Please, please, please. Oh, my God, no. No. No.
[ Buzzer ] Ohh!
Oh, dear, you did not bank $5,000.
But that's okay because there's way more money
to win now, right?
Okay.
This next event is worth $10,000,
and you will have a range of 20 points this time.
Take a look.
Oh, my God, it's already terrible.
[ Woman laughing ]
Oh! And someone's laughing.
Oh, it's gonna get him here.
Oh!
Oh, ow.
Oh. Oh.
[ Laughs ]
At the end of the day, it's a game of Duck, Duck, Goose,
basically, really.
It's not too bad, right? He survived and he was giggling. It's not too bad, right? He survived and he was giggling.
Maybe some, like, minor pain.
There's a little bit of physical pain
because you are being poked by her beak.
I don't think there's any emotional trauma.
Just slightly. Yeah.
And he's giggling also. Yeah.
Okay, within a range of 20,
where does you are attacked by a swan land on the index?
Your 10 seconds starts now.
-Okay. -Maybe like 24 to 44.
Okay.
25, 24, yeah, something like that.
5, 4...
-Something like that. -That's good.
Yeah, we like it. Everyone likes it. ...3, 2, 1. Yeah, we like it. Everyone likes it. ...3, 2, 1.
Be confident. Let's be confident.
We got it. We got it.
-Look at me. We got it. -It's a swan.
Okay, Hibba, you are locked in between 23 and 43.
This is for $10,000.
Where did our shrinks rate it on the Misery Index?
-Let's find out. -Oh, she's got it, she's got it.
-Come on, come on. -I think you have it.
Oh, God. Please, please, please, please. I think you have it. Oh, God. Please, please, please, please. I think you have it.
-Please, please. -Slow down!
Yes!
Now we got $10,000 now.
You just banked yourself $10,000.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Alright, we're on a good roll now.
So here we go. This is our final misery.
It's worth $15,000.
And you're gonna have to get it within a range
of only 10 points this time, so good luck.
Take a look at this.
Oh. Oh! Oh! Oh! Wow! Holy [bleep]
-Whoa. What happened? -What am I looking at?
Jameela: That's an iron rod stuck in his head.
Oh, my God.
And he is still somehow conscious.
Wow.
Wow!
This is -- This is a gift from the heavens for us.
And I feel pretty confident thinking that it's in the 90s.
Pretty high. Yeah. Yeah.
If that's not, what is?
Yeah.
Okay, within a range of 10,
where does you have an iron rod stuck in your head land
on the Misery Index?
Your 10 seconds starts now.
89 to 99, I think.
Just get that number 89 in there just in case.
5, 4, 3, 2, 1. 'Cause 100's probably like you die. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. 'Cause 100's probably like you die.
Higher, higher. I like it.
I like it, I like it. I like it, I like it.
You are locked in between 89 and 99.
This is for $15,000.
This is Hibba's last go.
-Go. -Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
[ Indistinct talking ]
It's not a 30. It's not a 40.
Get higher. Keep going.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
[ Screaming ]
-Yes! -Yes!
Yes.
Oh, my goodness.
That is correct. Congratulations.
That means that you are going home with $28,000.
[ Cheers and applause ]
And that'll do it for "The Misery Index."
I am Jameela Jamil. This is Hibba.
And for me and the Tenderloins, good night.
Yes. Alright.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Murr: Who won? Guys? Who won?
I blacked out.
She won, buddy. She won, she won.
I blacked out. Did she win?
-She won. She won. -She won?
I blacked out. Did she win?
-She won. -She won.
-I blacked out.
Did she win?
I blacked out. Does anyone know if she won?