♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Welcome to "The Misery Index," where misery loves company.
We have scoured the globe for the world's
most miserable true stories
and asked a panel of respected psychologists
to write those stories based on three pillars
of misery, physical pain, emotional trauma,
long term psychological impact,
the higher the combined misery,
the higher it lands on our misery index.
Oh! Oh, my God!
Our two contestants must try and decide how those events
were rated for a chance at our grand prize
of $30,000
We're about to win some money!
So let's get miserable.
[ Cheering and applause ]
Hello, I'm Jameela Jamil,
and welcome to "The Misery Index."
Tonight, we have two very miserable contestants
Hirsha Ventakarman,
who once broke his arm on his honeymoon,
or Annie Razco, who once broke up with her boyfriend
during a traffic jam.
And now from truTV's hit "Impractical Jokers,
Give it up for the tenderloins Sal, Joe, Q and Murr!
[ Cheering and applause ]
Let's get it.
[ Inaudible ] Oh, yeah?!
What happened to you?
So my wife planned this amazing honeymoon in New Zealand,
first day we get there, I ruined it all
by breaking my arm. Aww. by breaking my arm. Aww.
How'd you break your arm? Sex.
Worth it.
I wish, I wish -- I thought it would be awesome to cross
a river by jumping over some rocks.
And on the first rock I slipped
and then I heard a snap and that was it.
So what happened?
what happened was I had a romantic getaway
with my boyfriend at the time, and then we were driving home
and all of a sudden the conversation meandered.
He's like, where are things going?
So I said to him, "I don't know, bud,"
punch on arm, "let's just be friends."
And then we hit traffic for three hours,
and it was a really silent car ride home.
And we are not friends.
So, guys, behold, the keeper of all things miserable.
It is my boyfriend, the Traumatron.
[ Applause, oohing ]
The name of our first game is Misery Lane,
and I'm going to put two misery markers on the index,
the first one is: you find nudes of your brother
on your spouse's phone.
Which our shrinks only rated at a 67!
The second one is former child star steals your girl,
which our shrinks rated at 46.
Did he never grow from when he was a child star?
[ Laughter ]
Okay, so I'm going to show each of you an event.
You don't have to tell me the exact number.
You just have to determine if it falls above, below,
or in between the two cards that are on the index.
Hirsha, you get to go first.
Please check out this misery.
[ Screaming ]
So there's a man up there,
who's been tree climbing.
[ Groaning ]
Yo! Oh!
What is that, your honeymoon?!
That's live footage from his honeymoon in New Zealand.
Straight from New Zealand. Accurate. Straight from New Zealand. Accurate.
So he's not dead.
Like, I've broken a bone before,
but that's way, way worse.
For sure. It's definitely worse than
a child star stealing your girl.
But the nudes thing, there's some psychological trauma
you don't get over by finding your brother's nudes.
Yeah. Falling 60 feet out of a tree
into rocks in a river is way worse
than been seeing pictures of your brother's ding dong.
You can heal from that, though.
You're permanently scarred from seeing your brother's junk.
So now, for $500,
does "You fall out of a tree" land above, below or in between?
I have to go in between.
I just think that you can get over your bruises.
Let's see what our shrinks say.
This is going to be very interesting here.
Oh, my God! Oh, come on.
Slow down!
All right, stops, stop, stop, stop, stop!
[ Buzzer ] I am afraid you're incorrect. [ Buzzer ] I am afraid you're incorrect.
Annie, it's your turn -- you and your team
should check out this misery.
-Aww! -Oh, she looks miserable.
She does.
Nah, she looks like a gangster.
She does, the babushka --
What is she about to do right now?
She's drinking. I don't know where this is going. She's drinking. I don't know where this is going.
Then she spat.
I'm unclear as to what's going on --
Oh! What is going on? What is going on?!
She's licking his eyeball!
She's licking, she's not eating, she's licking.
Oh, no!
-Why? Why?
I can't look away! I'm trying to!
-Licking! -Do it.
That's -- that's fourth base.
She fills her mouth with alcohol
and she claims
that licking the eyeball afterwards
can remove lead and glass and iron and coal.
And she charges ten euros for this.
You do not want to see what she'll do for twenty.
She went down on this retina!
I would say emotional trauma, yes.
Pain, no. Weirdness, yes.
Weirdness is not a pillar.
No, it's not a pillar. Okay. No, it's not a pillar. Okay.
So, for $500, does an old woman
licks your eyeballs, land above, below or in between.
We are going to go with below.
Okay, you have said that it is below.
Let's see what our shrinks say. Good luck.
Yeah. I mean I'll take them on, Lick my eyeball
before Emmanuel Lewis takes my girlfriend.
-Yes. -Oh, "Webster," nice.
[ Buzzer ]
Fifty-eight?! He opted in!
Okay, you are incorrect.
So coming up, the money doubles, but so does the misery.
And later, one of these contestants will get a shot
at 30 grand!
[ Cheering and applause ]
Welcome back to "The Misery Index."
So Hirsha has zero money and Annie also has zero money.
-Yeah, but it's a tie. -It's okay!
-All right, it's fine. -But there's lots more
humiliation to explore
before one of them plays for
$30,000.
[ Cheering and applause ]
The name of our next game is More or Less Miserable.
Annie, this time you are up first,
so for $1,000,
Tell me which one of these furry friends
lands higher on the misery index?
Is it this?
"Convinced it is her reincarnated husband,
Cambodian woman marries calf."
-Come on! -She says, "I believe that
the calf is my husband
because whatever he does, it is in
exactly the same way as my husband did when he was alive.
-I think it's sweet. -I do too.
A bit of bestiality?
A little bit of cute little bestiality?
Well, it's not really bestiality if he is really in there.
I've seen enough Disney to know that.
-No. -Or is this more miserable?
He's getting out of his car, he's got his bag on --
Oh!
That's the husband! The husband's out!
The husband's out, ye's like, "Hey, you can't park there!"
[ Laughter ]
I also love the commentary by the woman filming.
She's like, and now he's getting out of his car...
Wasn't that you.
That wasn't the commentary, that was her.
No, I thought that was the commentary!
No, that was her speaking!
No!
Hi, my name's Jameela, I work here.
-Hello, -Annie, are you okay?
No, no, I'm not.
Guys, leave Annie alone, her husband's a cow.
They seem very happy.
So emotionally, there's no impact.
Psychologically, there will be an impact.
That's traumatic.
You know the scorn of your neighbors.
I think that getting hit by a deer in the parking lot
dusting yourself off and going home
and telling that fun story
is less the worse than just your husband is a cow.
For $1,000, which is more miserable.
Your husband is a cow now.
Okay, let's first see where our shrinks put the other choice.
Good luck.
Fifty three, you could be a 53.
-That's beatable. -Let's see if you're right.
Joe: Oh, here we go. Come on.
Yes! Yes!
[ Cheering and applause ]
You have just won yourself, $1,000.
Okay, Hirsha, we need to see your fighting spirit.
Go attack her like a deer!
[ Laughter ]
For $1,000, tell me
which one of these spare parts ranks higher.
Is it this: "Carpenter with record breaking
28 fingers and toes is scared
he might accidentally chop them off."
So many! Annie, by the way,
this is my voice saying this.
Or is this more miserable?
"Doctors find bizarre mass of bone, teeth,
and hair in stomach -- it was her own twin,"
and they said the mass was composed of hairy --
and I cannot get over this! Cheesy material.
Why is it cheesy?
It was twin parmesan.
So one dude might be an X-Man.
Other hand, you find a twin in your stomach.
-Yeah. -I'm not getting over that
emotional trauma any time soon.
You have too many fingers and toes.
That's a lifetime of being on the outside.
People looking at you when you go to the mall,
I think fingers and toes.
But you also will never know which Piggy went to the market.
You have no idea.
That's a lot of roast beef.
Okay, so which is more miserable?
I got to go with the trauma
that comes with finding a human in your stomach.
When you put it that way, yeah, I see what you mean.
Yeah, he does have a point. Let's first see
where our shrinks put the other choice.
Sixty nine!
That's the number of fingers and toes!
Now let's see if your choice is correct.
All right. This is good.
[ Bell dings ]
[ Cheering and applause ]
The game is now tied!
You, sir, have just won yourself $1,000.
Do not go anywhere, because when we come back,
someone is headed home and someone is moving on,
for their shot at $30,000!
Hello, and welcome back to "The Misery Index."
It all comes down to this one miserable event
to determine who is the true master of misery.
Moving on to play for their shot at the grand prize.
So Hirsha has $1,000, and Annie also has $1,000.
Guys, I'm going to show you both the same event.
And your job is to tell me where it lands on the misery index.
And the closest guess gets $2,000
and will move on to play for their shot at the grand prize.
Please, everyone, direct your attention to
the Traumatron for our next misery.
Joe's our big loser, so we brought him to the Citi Field
home of the New York Mets. -That's right.
We got our friend to help us out,
Met's ace Noah Syndergaard.
Noah, Do you think you could sign a couple of balls for us?
Yeah, no problem.
Okay, and then you're going to take those autographed balls.
You're going to throw them into the stands for fans.
Except Joe, you are going to intercept them
and steal everyone's autographs.
It's going to be great.
Murr: Joe, this kid right there, with the hat on.
Oh! [ Laughter ]
Gotta be quicker.
His face!
-Got your jersey on. -Here you go, Joe.
Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
"My seventh ball! eBay, here I come!"
That's number seven for eBay.
[ Laughter ]
Joe, borrow this kid under the guise of getting her a ball.
I'm sorry, did you want to get her a ball?
Yeah, yeah, come here. I mean, I know him.
Yeah. -Q: Get a little girl!
Pretend you're my daughter.
Thor, on for my little girl.
That's great.
Oh, it was for the little girl.
Thanks. -Murr: Joe got it! Joe got it.
Q: Joe, run! Get out of there
See. Look, it's signed to him and everything.
Thank you.
Q: Look at this guy! Look at this guy!
-That's nine. -The mother's chasing him down!
The guys can get it on eBay.
Murr: The mother's chasing him!
Oh, no!
What happened? You cannot do that! What happened? You cannot do that!
Give me the ball! That's wrong!
-This one? -Stop!
That is wrong!
[ Snickering ]
You apologize!
I'm 1,000 percent sorry.
"So sorry I didn't get that ball and walk away!"
[ Laughter ]
"So sorry I didn't get that ball!"
I'm so sorry I didn't get that ball.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Oh, my God!
Joe: That was painful. That was painful.
I mean, she gave her two year old child
to a stranger to get a baseball.
I mean, there's only so much that I've done wrong.
Yeah, tough love.
Jamil: I agree.
Also, should we explain Murray's hair at all in that?
That's Q's hair, okay?
I didn't get a haircut for a year and a half,
grew out the 14 inches, we shaved it,
turned it into a wig, he had to wear for six months.
Couldn't wash it. -It was miserable for me, too.
Okay, well, for $2,000, talk it through
and lock in where you think
"A jerk steals your kid's baseball"
lands on the misery index.
You're the mother in this.
Between 50 and 60?
[ Indistinct whispering ]
We're gonna lock it in. We're locked in.
Nice work. We're locked in. Nice work. We're locked in.
Good job! Okay.
Let's see who has mastered the misery
by being closest to the correct answer.
Hirsha, you locked in at...
-Whoa! -Whoa, we got a game!
Sal says we got a game!
Got a game, we got a ball game!
Oh, Annie, you locked in at...
Oh!
Ooh! Oh, dear.
Let's see what our shrinks say.
Joe: It's got to be right, it's got to be there.
It's gotta be -- come on, come on.
[ Audience groaning ]
[ Bells ringing ]
Yeah, baby!
Whoo!
Unfortunately, that means we are going to have to say goodbye
to Annie, but Hirsha's moving on and will be playing
for the $30,000 grand prize right after this.
Don't go anywhere. -All right!
Hello, and welcome back to "The Misery Index."
Hirsha has chosen, quite controversially,
Murr to assist him in the grand prize final round.
The $30,000 Margin of Misery.
-That's an odd choice. -This has never happened before!
Ditched your boys?!
What'd we do? What'd we do wrong?!
I got limited time on the show,
I figured, let me make use of as many Jokers as I can.
-Oh, great. -Good. Good choice.
Murray thought his work day was over.
He was in vacation mode!
I already called an Uber!
If you win it all, what are you planning
to spend your money on?
A second honeymoon for the wife?
I'm going to take her to Santorini.
I'm going to wine and dine her and romance the hell out of her
in front of a sunset. -All right.
-Aww, this is great! -You consummate that marriage,
baby, you make it happen!
Hirsha, I'm going to show you three terrible events
worth $5,000, $10,000,
and $15,000.
After each one you will place a range finder
where you think it lands on the misery index.
But as the money gets bigger, the range finder gets smaller.
Are you ready to play? -Yes.
Murray, are you ready to play?
Nervous but I'm ready!
Some jealous bitches in the back.
Okay! Let's get miserable.
[ Cheering and applause ]
Come on, baby, come on.
So your first event is worth $5,000
and has a range of 30 points this time.
Take a look and keep your eye on the red box.
Woman: ...whatever. I think it really depends on --
She's on the move.
...and in reality, I've heard that social work kind of --
-Whoa! -Very high standards.
Oh, dear.
Oh!
-Interesting things... -Look at everyone's faces.
They all realize, no one's telling her.
And she's realized.
-Oh! -And it's too late.
What happened?
Oh, my God!
I don't think this is that bad, honestly, it's embarrassing,
it's a fleeting moment, of course,
now it's on national television.
But I think for poor Jennifer, I think it's low.
The thing is, she's bare-assed on a Zoom call
with her coworkers all looking.
There's no real long term effects
and certainly no physical pain. Right. and certainly no physical pain. Right.
Yeah, but she got her arse and everything else out
in front of all of her employees.
That might be your vibe, Murray, but it's not everyone's vibe.
[ Laughter ]
Within a range of 30, where does,
"You take your Zoom meeting to the bathroom"
land on the misery index? Hirsha, your time starts now.
Keep going.
Five, four, three, two, one.
Lock it! Good?
I think we got it.
We like it! We like it!
For $5,000,
let's see where it lands.
Most of us are rooting --
[ All shouting ]
Slow down, slow down, slow down!
Q: Stop, stop, stop, stop!
[ Buzzer ]
-What?! -Okay.
This next event is worth $10,000 this time,
and you will have a range of only 20 points.
"Nashville opera singer out of work after surgery
left her unable to sing without passing gas."
It's the Fart-om of the Opera.
I think it's a big, big number, certainly over 50.
I don't know if I want to go super, super high
because there is no physical pain.
It's her lifelong dream and every time
she opens her mouth, all anyone hears is, "Pbbt!"
Yeah, she's an opera singer! She loves to sing!
-I feel bad. -Pbbt!
Okay, so within a range of 20,
where does you cannot sing without farting
land on the index?
Your ten seconds starts now.
Come on! Come on!
I think that we're safe here.
Five, four, three, two, one.
Lock it in!
All right, okay, all right.
Okay, you are locked in between 50 and 70.
Now, for $10,000, where did our shrinks rate it
on the misery index? Good luck.
-It's gonna be one of those
silent but deadly ones.
Oh, come on.
Get up there!
Get up there! Go! Go!
Slow down, slow down.
[ Bell dings ]
[ Cheering and applause ]
That is correct, and you have just
banked yourself a cool $10,000.
Good answer.
Okay, this is it, here we go.
Our final misery is worth 15 grand this time,
and you are going to have to get it
within a range of only ten.
Take a look at this.
[ Singing in foreign language ]
Watch this, hair on fire or something.
[ Cheering, clapping ]
Oh, shit, it's gonna light a fire.
Oh, no, no, that's flammable! That's flammable!
Oh! Oh, my God!
Ooh, God.
That's why I don't have hair.
Do they blow her out?
-She's alive. -Look.
Traumatic for sure,
physically painful for sure.
Long term effects?
She's not going to blow candles anymore!
At most maybe go 90, like maybe 80 to 90.
80 to 90?
Okay, within a range of 10,
where does "Happy Birthday, your head is on fire"
land on the misery index?
Time starts now.
You got it, bud!
Higher, higher, higher!
Five, four, three, two, one.
Lock it in.
I like it, they like it.
You are locked in between 82 and 92,
guys, you want to come down, stop being bitter?
I think it looks good, bud.
I think it looks good.
For $15,000,
let's see where it lands.
Come on.
Let's hear it, guys, let's hear it!
[ Cheering and applause ]
All right, go, go, go.
Let's go! More!
[ Buzzer ]
I was right.
-Damn. -She was aflame!
Traumatron!
So I'm afraid that is incorrect, but congratulations,
because you are still going home with $13,000.
[ Cheering and applause ]
Get some money, I love that.
So, that will do it for "The Misery Index."
I am Jameela Jamil, and from me and the Tenderloins
and Hirsha, good night!
[ Cheering and applause ]
That was great.
It was tough, that was super tough!
You played a great game. Thank you. You played a great game. Thank you.
[ Cheering and applause ]
♪♪
Grandma's House!