Welcome to "The Misery Index," where misery loves company.
-Yeah! Yeah! -Yeah!
Jameela: We have scoured the globe
for the world's most miserable true stories,
then asked a panel of respected psychologists
to rate those stories based on three pillars of misery --
physical pain, emotional trauma,
and long-term psychological impact.
The higher the combined misery,
the higher it lands on our misery index.
Oh! Oh, my God!
Our two contestants must try and decide
how those events were rated for a chance at our grand prize
of $30,000.
You're about to win some money!
So, let's get miserable.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Hello. I am Jameela Jamil,
and welcome to "The Misery Index."
Tonight, we have two very miserable contestants --
Anthony Gambrell,
whose date once dined and ditched him,
and Mary Lynn Cristiano,
who once saw a dead body sit up in front of her.
And now, from truTV's hit "Impractical Jokers,"
give it up to my friends, the Tenderloins --
Sal, Joe, Q, and Murr.
Yeah! What's up?!
[ Cheers and applause ] Murr: Here we go!
Come on, buddy. What's going on? You excited?
Hi. This is me bringing it. Hi. This is me bringing it.
Nice to meet you. Good to see you. Good luck.
Hello, Jameela.
Anthony, what happened, man?
Me and this young lady have been talking for a few weeks
already, right? Mm-hmm. already, right? Mm-hmm.
So we finally got together,
and we're able to go on our first date.
We go to the steakhouse. We're wining, dining.
We having great conversation. Okay.
And so she decides she needs to go to use the restroom.
She goes, and she doesn't come back for 15 minutes.
So I asked the server to please go and check on her. Mm-hmm. So I asked the server to please go and check on her. Mm-hmm.
Server comes back to me and says,
"Oh, there's no one in the restroom."
[ Audience groans ] Sal: Aw, no way.
Be optimistic. She's probably dead.
[ Laughter ]
Mary Lynn, a dead body sat up in front of you?
Yeah, on my first day as a funeral director,
I came back from lunch, and, literally, straight up.
Horrifying. Q: You saw it moving, or it was up? Horrifying. Q: You saw it moving, or it was up?
Oh, no, it moved in front of me.
Did you have to "ck-ck"?
Yeah. Well, you know, sometimes it passes by itself.
Sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes, you know,
they also pee and poop and breathe.
They do everything that we do. Sal: Wow. They do everything that we do. Sal: Wow.
Dead people -- they're just like us.
Yeah, they're just like us. Just like us. Yeah, they're just like us. Just like us.
Okay, guys, please behold
the keeper of all things miserable.
It is the Traumatron.
[ Thunder crashes ] Murr: Don't be scared. [ Thunder crashes ] Murr: Don't be scared.
The name of our first game is Misery Lane.
I'm going to put two misery markers on the index
and the first one is...
[ All groan ] You mean standard. [ All groan ] You mean standard.
[ Laughter ]
...which our shrinks rated at a 67.
-Yeah, that's pretty bad. -For sure. That's about right.
And the second one is...
...which our shrinks only rated at a 33.
-Okay. -Wow.
Okay, so I'm going to show each of you an event.
You don't have to tell me the exact number.
You just have to determine if it falls above, below,
or in between the two cards that you see on the index.
Anthony, you get to go first.
Please check out this misery.
[ Woman screams ]
-Oh, no. -Whoa, they're coming in hot.
Jameela: This is a ski lift gone rogue, gone very, very wrong.
-Wow. -Oh, wow.
Murr: They're going to flip off. Yep.
Ooh! Ooh.
Joe: Wow.
I'm pretty sure that's not how
those things are supposed to work. No.
[ Laughter ]
That's -- That's bad, that's -- for sure.
Yeah, for sure. It's physically painful.
It's terrifying, You can be scared
of going skiing ever again. -You also see the people
in front of you, it happening... -Right?
...and you know it's about to happen to you.
So that, emotionally, the trauma,
that's definitely tough.
Yeah, you don't know if you're going to live or die
in that moment.
I strongly feel good about it.
And I think that is definitely above on the Misery Index.
Jameela: Okay, you are saying it is above.
It's time to see what our shrinks say.
Good luck. -I think it's just above.
I think it's just above it. -Come on, come on, come on.
Come on. Keep going. Keep going.
-Aw, go, go. -Keep going! Keep going!
Yeah! -Yes!
Yes! Yes!
You are correct. You've just banked $500.
-Yes! -Alright.
Mary Lynn, you and your team, please check out this misery.
[ Pounding ] [ Chuckles ] It's already funny. [ Pounding ] [ Chuckles ] It's already funny.
[ Laughter ]
Man: All over my [bleep] fishing gear, mate.
[Bleep] [Bleep]
Mate, that's [bleep]
Man #2: I don't give a shit about your [bleep]
[Bleep] lied to me.
[ Laughter ]
He-- He's defeated. He's just defeated.
[Bleep] hate my life.
-Aw. -That is so funny.
That is so funny. -[ Laughs ]
I'd rather be changing my passwords.
You know what I'm saying? -Yeah.
How many passwords does the average person have?
-Oh, I don't e-- -A couple dozen?
-Yeah. -See, you know, you kind of --
Did you say you have a couple dozen passwords?
-Yeah. -Yeah.
Pornhub, VIEW-hub... [ Laughter ]
Oh, yeah. [ Chuckles ]
You set up a Pornhub account?
You have a Premium account.
No. [ Laughter ] No. [ Laughter ]
I guess, what would you rather have happen to you,
paint explode or change passwords?
Oh, change passwords, absolutely.
-Well, then, there you go. -Absolutely, yeah.
So I think paint spilling all over you is in between.
Alright.
Jameela: You're saying it's in between.
Okay, let's see what our shrink say.
Good luck.
Alright.
Come on.
I think you're right.
Ooh. Oh!
Okay, you are correct, so at the end of Round 1,
Anthony has $500, and Mary Lynn also has $500.
And I'm happy to tell you
that we are going to commercial
because [bleep]
I may have hacked your TelePrompTer.
[ Laughter ] Say -- Read the lines. Read the wor-- [ Laughter ] Say -- Read the lines. Read the wor--
I'm glad that we're going to commercial because I...
have to go potty like a big girl.
[ Laughter ] Joe. [ Laughter ] Joe.
Coming up, the money doubles and so does the misery.
And, later, one of these contests
we'll get a shot at $30,000.
[ Laughter ] Yeah!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Oh, hello,
and welcome back to "The Misery Index."
[ As Priyanka Chopra ] I am the world-famous Priyanka Chopra,
and we've got one hell of a game.
Joe. Alright, I'm done. I'm done.
[ Normal voice ] Anthony has $500,
and Mary Lynn also has $500,
but there's lots more humiliation to explore
before one of them plays for $30,000.
[ Cheers and applause ]
The name of our next game is More or Less Miserable.
So, Mary Lynn, this time you are up first.
I'm going to show you two deeply traumatic events,
and you just have to tell me which is worse
according to our shrinks.
So for $1,000, tell me which one of these animal agonies
lands higher on the Misery Index.
Is it this?
"Dolphin dives onto boat, breaks woman's ankles,
punches another in the face."
And it says down below,
Mr. Frickman splashed water on it to keep it alive.
The animal was seemingly unharmed and swam away
despite the superficial cuts onto its body.
Where are these misogynous dolphins?
What body of water?
Yeah, I-I don't know where Mr. Frickman's from...
-Yeah. -...but on Staten Island,
when a guy breaks your girl's ankle
and slaps another one in the face,
you don't help out with some water.
You punch that dolphin right in the face.
You teach it a lesson.
Our we clapping animal cruelty? Just checking.
-Well, it's an asshole animal. -Yeah.
Or is this more miserable, Mary Lynn?
My name is Margaret, and I'm 53 years old.
I live in Morning View, Kentucky,
and I'm addicted to stinging myself with bees.
Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no.
-Oh, my God. -Oh, my God.
I sting myself in my hip, my elbow,
on a finger, my ankle, my forehead,
on the tip of my nose.
The most I've ever given myself was between 15 and 20
in my left hip. -Oh, my God.
I really love stinging myself with bees.
Where do you find these? Where do we find these people?
-What the hell? -Oh.
Jameela: So, originally, she started singing herself
to relieve arthritis pain.
Just take a Tylenol. [ Laughter ] Just take a Tylenol. [ Laughter ]
And she does it now in part for sexual pleasure.
[ Audience groans ]
Sal: This is a tough one because "addicted" means
that this is ongoing for you,
but it also means that you want it. Q: You enjoy it. but it also means that you want it. Q: You enjoy it.
I'm loving it, whereas I don't think I would love --
She's living her best life.
Yeah, I don't think I would love a 250-pound dolphin
beating the [bleep] out of me. -Right.
Okay, so, Mary Lynn, for $1,000,
which is more miserable?
Mary Lynn: I think getting the crap beat out of you by a dolphin.
is more miserable. -I agree.
Think we're on our way to $1,000 right here.
Let's see where our strength put the other choice.
-Okay, that's pretty high. -Wow, that's pretty high.
-I still think we got it. -That's very high.
-Let's see if you are right. -I still think we got it.
-[ Chuckles ] -Yeah.
I think we still got it. I'm not even worried about this.
-Well -- Well, I should be. -What?!
Two broken ankles! -[ Chuckles ]
Jameela: I'm afraid that is incorrect.
You did not win $1,000, but the game is far from over.
Okay, Anthony, for $1,000,
tell me which one of these hangover hells
ranks higher on the Misery Index.
Is it this?
"Man wakes up with the worst hangover ever,
finding Ray-Ban glasses tattooed on his face."
-Oh. -[ Laughs ]
He had these tattoos for about two years,
and it took six tattoo removals to get them off.
Okay, well, Anthony, take a look at this
and see if this is more miserable.
"Drunk man vomit so hard that he throws up undiagnosed humor
and then swallows it back." -Oh!
-Oh, my God. -Oh, my God.
A loose tumor. Just hanging around.
-Just rolling around. -Rolling around in there.
Yeah. -Yeah.
I mean, that would explain a lot for me.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Should get this checked.
My -- My -- My gut instinct
was the barfing up a tumor and I'll tell you why.
Because you're talking about a lifelong thing of any time
you feel weird or something,
you think -- you think there might be a tumor in you
that you didn't know about or whatever.
So the long-term psychological for me is higher on that.
For me, I think it's the barfing up a tumor -- for me.
The other guy with the tattoo sunglasses,
right, he's every conversation 24 hours a day. True.
It has to -- you have to deal with that, right? True. It has to -- you have to deal with that, right? True.
His job, his relationships, his family.
So there's a long-term effect to that.
Okay, Anthony, where's your instinct?
I think that you waking up with tattooed sunglasses
is more miserable.
Okay, let's first see where our shrinks put the other choice.
Good luck.
-He's going to be -- whoa. -74. 74's high...
-Oh, God. -...but it's not unbeatable.
So now let's see if Anthony was correct.
-I think he's got it. -Come on.
[ Ding! ] [ Cheers and applause ]
-Yes! -Yes!
That is correct, and you just won $1,000.
Well done. -Alright.
Do not go anywhere, because, when we come back,
someone is headed home, and someone is moving on
for their shot at $30,000.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Welcome back to "The Misery Index."
So it all comes down to this one miserable event
to determine who is the true Master of Misery
and moving on to play for their shot at the grand prize.
Currently, Anthony has $1,500,
and Mary Lynn is right on his heels with $500.
And so, guys, tonight,
we're going to put your ears to the test. Sal: Ah.
So you are going to have to rate this misery
based solely on what you can hear,
and that means no video... -Ooh.
Jameela: ...until after you've locked in your answers,
'cause I'm a dick.
So whoever is closest to our shrinks' score
will win this round. [ Thunder crashes ] will win this round. [ Thunder crashes ]
It's time to play the Sound of Misery.
-Ooh. -Ooh.
Alright, let's have a listen.
[ Thunder crashes ]
[ Wind gusting ]
[ Whispers indistinctly ]
[ Whirring ]
Man: Whoo!
[ Screams ]
[ Laughter ]
It sounds like he stepped in dog poop and found it on his shoe.
That's what it sounds like.
He's like, "Ohhhh! These are new."
You know, I heard a dog.
Throwing them off. -Yeah.
-There's a dog, for sure. -Yeah, I --
Did you guys hear R2-D2 at the end there?
It was really weird. -That's what it was.
It was R2 and Chewbacca. -Yeah. [ Laughs ]
Okay, now, for $2,000, please talk it through
and discuss why you think this lands on the Misery Index.
Let's concentrate on the guy, because the yell --
the yell is not too, like, "I'm going to die."
Possibly, like, kite surfing.
Okay, yeah. [ Indistinct whispering ] Okay, yeah. [ Indistinct whispering ]
Alright, everyone, I'm going need to lock in your scores.
I don't know. I think it's a little higher.
I love it. I really think it's good. Yeah. I love it. I really think it's good. Yeah.
Okay, everyone is locked in. Anthony, I am dying to know,
what do you think this clip is going to be?
I -- it sound-- I definitely hear wind sounds,
so it definitely sounds like he's either hang gliding
or jumping out of a plane.
It doesn't sound like he -- the parachute didn't open
'cause that would be a different scream.
Mary Lynn, what do you think this video is?
We also thought something similar,
and I also thought something similar to, like, you know,
jet skiing or something like that.
It sounded like a minor inconvenience.
Okay, before we reveal our scores,
let's take a look at the video
behind this miserable audio clip.
[ Wind gusting ]
-Oh, they were right. -Hit a tree, hit a tree.
[ Whirring ] I still don't know what that noise is. [ Whirring ] I still don't know what that noise is.
-Oh, no. -Hit a tree, hit a tree.
Man: Whoo!
-Oh! -[Bleep]
[ Screams ]
Oh.
-We're too low. -We're way too low.
So, still confident about your scores?
Not at all. We misjudged this one. Yep.
And also, who put that house there?
-Yeah. -Yeah.
Jameela: So now that we've seen the video,
let's see who has mastered the misery
by being closest to the correct answer.
Anthony, you ranked paragliding into a house
at a very low 39,
and, Mary Lynn, you gave it a...
-Aw. -Ooh.
Jameela: ...a 42.
Q: [ Laughs ]
It is time to see what our shrinks say.
-Can we not see... -Oh, my goodness.
...and just live in this moment
of we're all winners?
[ Indistinct talking ]
I think we're up in the high 60s. Yeah? I think we're up in the high 60s. Yeah?
There's no way you don't have this.
It's impossible that you don't have this.
Oh, my God!
Jameela: So Mary Lynn wins.
Unfortunately, that means we are going to have to
say goodbye to Anthony. -Sorry, buddy.
Jameela: But Mary Lynn is moving on and will be playing
for the $30,000 grand prize right after this.
Do not go anywhere.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hello, and welcome back to "The Misery Index."
So Mary Lynn has chosen Sal to assist her
in the grand-prize final round.
This is the $30,000 Margin of Misery.
[ Audience "oohs" ] [ Thunder crashes ] [ Audience "oohs" ] [ Thunder crashes ]
So now, Mary Lynn, if you win it all,
what are you going to do with the money?
I already have three dogs.
I would love to add a hairless cat to my little personal zoo.
And, of course, my hairless cat needs the most exclusive,
expensive Gucci boots, hand-knit cashmere sweaters.
I'm going to get them for all the dogs,
and then we're going to hop on a plane and go to Europe.
[ Cheers and applause ] [ Laughs ] [ Cheers and applause ] [ Laughs ]
Now we know what's on the line,
I'm going to show you three terrible events
worth $5,000, $10,000 and $15,000 dollars.
And after each one, you will place a range finder
where you think it lands on the Misery Index.
And, remember, as the money gets bigger,
the range finder gets smaller.
Are you ready to play? -Yes, I am.
Okay, then let's get miserable.
Mary Lynn, your first event is worth $5,000,
and it has a range of 30 points this time.
Take a look.
[ Singing indistinctly ]
Just singing a hymn. Singing a hymn in his car.
♪ And now my life ♪
Aah! Oh, no. Aah! Oh, no.
He's upside down.
What happened?
I wouldn't drive. I wouldn't get in a car
for a very long time.
How long till you sing again?
[ Laughter ]
I think -- my gut said 50 to 80.
I-I like that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah?
Where we were at. That's where we were at.
Jameela: Okay, well, within a range of 30,
where does "Your Carpool Crashaoke" land
on the Misery Index?
Your time starts now. You have 10 seconds.
49, 79 just to take a little --
little peak at the 49?
Five, four, three, two --
you are locked in between a 49 and a 79.
For $5,000, let's see where that lands.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Oh, I hate this bit.
Come on, come on, come on. Keep going.
Come on, come on, come on. Stay, stay, stay, stay, stay.
[ Ding! ] [ Chuckles ] [ Ding! ] [ Chuckles ]
That is correct.
You just baked yourself $5,000.
Whoo!
So this next event is worth $10,000 this time,
and you have a range of 20 points.
-Okay. -Take a look at this.
"Man stabs brother in fight over the last of the ribs."
You know, it is the McRib. It's only seasonal.
Yeah, that is. It's only a limited time
you can get the McRib. -The McRib is seasonal.
And you will never --
the relationship you had with your brother is destroyed.
Definitely. I think it's going be very high.
Yeah, I'm thinking mid-60s starting -- starting. Okay. Yeah, I'm thinking mid-60s starting -- starting. Okay.
[ Imitating coughing ] Starting in mid-60s.
'Cause I've played the game a little more,
from my experience, I'm thinking
it's going to be way higher than that. Okay.
How about 75, 95?
We'll save 96 to 100 for absolute catastrophes. Okay, I like that. I like that.
Okay, well, within a range of 20,
where does "Your Brother Allegedly Stabs You
Over the Last Rib" land on the index?
[ Chuckling ] Such a dumb story. [ Laughter ] [ Chuckling ] Such a dumb story. [ Laughter ]
I think you're safe with 75, 95. Your 10 seconds starts now. I think you're safe with 75, 95. Your 10 seconds starts now.
[ Audience shouting ]
73?
Five, four, three -- okay.
-Okay, okay. -Wow, locked in.
-Alright. -Mary Lynn, you are locked in
between 75 and 95.
We're all with you on this. Aren't we?
Yeah. That's right.
Okay, so for $10,000,
where did our shrinks rate it on the Misery Index?
It's time to find out.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Come on. -We need that trip to Europe.
We're going to get away above 60.
We're going to get way above 60. -Up, up, up, up, up, up, up,
up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up. -Why is it moving so slow?
[ Buzzer ] Oh, my God! What? [ Buzzer ] Oh, my God! What?
-That's cray cray. -Oh, you know what?
You didn't back $10,000 but it doesn't matter
because $15,000 is next. -Yes.
Okay, okay.
Okay, so here we go.
Our final misery is worth $15,000,
and you are going to have to get it
within a range of only 10 this time.
Good luck. Take a look at this.
"Woman wakes up in body bag
after being pronounced dead by doctor."
-That-- That's your story. -[ Laughing ] That's my story.
I know. What do you rate it? Because whatever it is, it is.
You know, I feel like it's 70s or 80s.
-What's the starting point? -High 70s, I think...
Yeah. ...to high 80s is what I'm feeling. Yeah. ...to high 80s is what I'm feeling.
But what are you feeling? -If it was a 79,
I could rationalize that, and if it was like a 92,
I could rationalize that. You know what I mean? You're right.
Well, that's why the game is hard
and this is worth $15,000.
Okay, well, within a range of 10,
where does "You Wake Up in a Body Bag" land
on the Misery Index?
Mary Lynn, for the last time, your 10 seconds starts now.
Okay, if we're comparing it to the stabbing,
I'm thinking high 70s or high 80s.
Mid-to-high 70s.
Five, four, three, two, one.
Lock in.
Come on. Come on.
We did the best that we could do.
-Ooh, yeah. we did. -We did the best we could do.
-This is stressful. -This is crazy.
Yeah, this is -- this is really hard.
-Mary Lynn. -You got this.
Mary Lynn, you are locked in
between 77 and 87.
Gentlemen, how do you feel?
[ Groans ] [ Laughter ]
The trauma and the psychological effects are off the charts?
I feel good about what you chose. I think you won. I think you won.... I feel good about what you chose. I think you won. I think you won....
Yeah. ...and we're going to go celebrate.
For $15,000, let's see where
"You Wake Up in a Body Bag" lands on the Misery Index.
Good luck. -Here we go. Here we go.
Alright. [ Speaks indistinctly ] -Yeah.
-This is so good, this game. -You know you're not 40.
Keep going. Not 50.
-Stop. -Now stop!
[ Ding! ] [ Cheers and applause ]
-[ Laughs ] -Oh, my God! Yes!
I am thrilled to say that that is correct,
and congratulations
'cause you're going home with $22,500.
That was the most serious one in a while.
My heart's beating. So that will do it for "The Misery Index."
Mary Lynn's going to Paris. I'm Jameela Jamil,
and from me and the Tenderloins, good night.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you so much. Thank you.
[ Chuckles ]
Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you.
Whew! Thank you. [ Chuckles ]
[ Cheers and applause continue ]