1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:04,200 This programme contains very strong language. 2 00:00:28,480 --> 00:00:32,040 It's been a long journey, Joseph, how much further..? 3 00:00:32,080 --> 00:00:33,960 A little way yet, my sweet. 4 00:00:37,160 --> 00:00:39,800 Perhaps we could stop a while and rest, 5 00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:42,840 the baby is heavy and making me sleepy. 6 00:00:42,880 --> 00:00:44,640 Of course, my dear... 7 00:00:44,680 --> 00:00:46,640 We'll soon find shelter. 8 00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:04,640 Sorry to trouble you, dear sir, 9 00:01:04,680 --> 00:01:06,960 but my wife's pregnant and needs to rest a while, 10 00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:09,360 I was wondering if you might be able to offer us some respite 11 00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:10,760 from our long journey... 12 00:01:10,800 --> 00:01:14,520 What the fuck do you think I am, Airbnb? 13 00:01:14,560 --> 00:01:18,080 You wanna rest, there's a fucking Travelodge three miles away. 14 00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:21,000 And why's she on that donkey? 15 00:01:21,039 --> 00:01:23,600 They don't like being sat on. 16 00:01:23,640 --> 00:01:27,000 So, take your sob story and FUCK OFF. 17 00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:33,120 Jesus Christ, what a rude man. 18 00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:37,640 # The best things in life are free 19 00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:40,479 # But you can give them to the birds and bees 20 00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:44,000 # I need money (that's what I want) 21 00:01:44,039 --> 00:01:47,520 # That's what I want (that's what I want) 22 00:01:47,560 --> 00:01:48,680 (WHIRRING) 23 00:01:48,720 --> 00:01:52,479 Argh...Right then, we are almost done and dusted... 24 00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:54,920 Are you done? I'm done. 25 00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:57,960 Thank fuck for that.Unless you want a little reindeer on your arse. 26 00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:00,640 Why the fuck would I want a reindeer on my arse. 27 00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:02,080 Bit of Christmas fun, innit? 28 00:02:02,120 --> 00:02:04,800 But it's only gonna be funny for Christmas fucking Day, innit? 29 00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:07,960 Then I'm just stuck with a reindeer on my shitbox for the rest of time. 30 00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:09,759 Well, you wouldn't see it, would you? 31 00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:12,000 Unless you spend a lot of time looking at your own arse. 32 00:02:12,040 --> 00:02:13,320 I do, I often check it out. 33 00:02:13,360 --> 00:02:17,120 And the last thing I wanna see on that gorgeous riggot of mine 34 00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:18,640 is a deer. 35 00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:20,600 I still need paying, though. 36 00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:22,280 You fucking piece of work. 37 00:02:22,320 --> 00:02:24,440 Here, Merry Christmas. Love you, mate. 38 00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:31,280 (MOBILE RINGS) 39 00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:34,480 Hey, Vinnie. Here he is. 40 00:02:34,520 --> 00:02:37,120 Yes, fat head. What the fuck are you wearing, man? 41 00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:38,920 I'm in Acapulco. 42 00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:41,200 With a lady. Say hello. 43 00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:42,240 Hi. 44 00:02:43,920 --> 00:02:46,800 Listen, my surgery's being covered by Maureen Maguire. 45 00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:49,320 No dude, not fucking Mogadon Maureen. 46 00:02:49,360 --> 00:02:52,800 She's an excellent GP, she's just got an unfortunate resting face. 47 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:54,640 Listen, I've got a favour to ask you. 48 00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:56,600 Course you fucking do. You know... 49 00:02:56,640 --> 00:02:58,960 You're going loco in Aca-shagging-pulco 50 00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:01,160 and you still want summat doing. What d'you want? 51 00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:04,840 It's my Auntie Edie, she's had a fall, she's broken her arm. 52 00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:08,360 Oh...If I was there I'd pop in and help but... 53 00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:10,600 Please, if you can, would you mind, please. 54 00:03:10,640 --> 00:03:13,640 After all I've done for you. What have you ever done for me? 55 00:03:13,680 --> 00:03:15,400 Like... 56 00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:19,079 Just nothing there, is there? No. 57 00:03:19,120 --> 00:03:22,400 Come on, what the fuck do you want me to do with auntie... Edith? 58 00:03:22,440 --> 00:03:24,960 If you could pop in, see how she is, that's all. 59 00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:27,920 I'll text you her address. Please, I'd be really grateful. 60 00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:30,200 Just remember every time a church bell rings, 61 00:03:30,240 --> 00:03:31,880 a little angel gets its wings. 62 00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:35,480 That's just not true, is it? Tis' true, course it is. Love you. 63 00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:36,520 He's gone. 64 00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:39,800 (DOORBELL RINGS) 65 00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:42,520 EDIE: Wait a minute! No worries. 66 00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:44,600 (LOCKS TURN) 67 00:03:44,640 --> 00:03:46,480 (THUD) Fucking hell... 68 00:03:46,520 --> 00:03:48,280 Yes? Edie? 69 00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:49,560 Yes. 70 00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:53,440 Vincent. Your Chris has asked me to come and just check you're alright. 71 00:03:53,480 --> 00:03:55,880 Check I'm alright? You've had a bad fall, haven't you? 72 00:03:55,920 --> 00:03:58,840 I'm fine, tell him to mind his own business. 73 00:03:58,880 --> 00:04:01,880 What did you say your name was? Vinnie. Vi-Vincent. 74 00:04:01,920 --> 00:04:05,400 No, you don't look a Vincent. You look like a Gregory. 75 00:04:05,440 --> 00:04:07,560 What's happened to your neck? Nothing's happ... 76 00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:09,920 Nothing's happened to it. There's not been an incident. 77 00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:11,880 It's a tattoo. I've been and had that done. 78 00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:13,360 Well, it's very unpleasant. 79 00:04:15,160 --> 00:04:17,320 What say you just take that chain off for a minute 80 00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:19,959 and we'll ring Chris, reassure him that you're alright, 81 00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:21,720 and then if you want me to go away, I will. 82 00:04:21,760 --> 00:04:24,000 You could be anyone, you could be a murderer. 83 00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:26,920 I know, but I mean, do I really look like a murderer? 84 00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:30,200 Yes, with that tattoo. Fucks sake... 85 00:04:30,240 --> 00:04:32,240 OK... Fuck... 86 00:04:35,240 --> 00:04:38,600 I think you should call yourself Gregory. 87 00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:40,440 Like Gregory Peck. 88 00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:43,280 Gregory Peck. 89 00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:44,920 Who's that? 90 00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:46,960 It's a nice house. 91 00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:49,920 Should be, I've been here 38 years. 92 00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:52,720 Was the tree here when you moved in, or what? 93 00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:54,440 I hate Christmas. 94 00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:57,159 Yeah, so do I, it fucking sucks, doesn't it? 95 00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:01,000 So come on, what's happened? Have you had a fall? 96 00:05:01,040 --> 00:05:03,880 That was the arm. The foot was a different event. 97 00:05:03,920 --> 00:05:06,440 Why, what happened? Supermarket. 98 00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:09,280 Since when do doors slam shut on their own.(THUD) 99 00:05:09,320 --> 00:05:10,520 Ah... 100 00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:13,640 Yeah, I've left the bath running. 101 00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:15,360 Let me do that. No, no, no... 102 00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:17,240 That's why I'm here. Let me do that for you. 103 00:05:17,280 --> 00:05:19,600 You want to go up into my bathroom? A complete stranger, 104 00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:21,960 what if I have private things I don't want you seeing. 105 00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:24,080 Well, I'll definitely rifle through 'em! 106 00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:26,280 Cos that's what this is all about. I wanna go through 107 00:05:26,320 --> 00:05:28,960 your cupboards and see your old ointments. 108 00:05:29,840 --> 00:05:32,400 I mean, shit, do you have anything precious in there? 109 00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:33,440 Nah. 110 00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:38,800 Maybe I could just go and... Yes, could you? 111 00:05:38,840 --> 00:05:42,159 Cos I don't want to struggle back up those stairs after you've dragged me down. 112 00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:45,000 Hell, no. This is too low, isn't it? 113 00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:47,360 You don't have one of those furry bog roll covers, 114 00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:49,640 like knitted woollen Russian doll type deal. 115 00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:52,280 I am gonna hit the shagging roof. 116 00:05:52,320 --> 00:05:55,080 Oh, fuck me! Fucking thousand degrees! 117 00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:56,680 Fucking hell! 118 00:05:58,360 --> 00:05:59,840 Pfff.... 119 00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:01,200 (MOBILE RINGS) 120 00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:03,240 Fucking pockets, shit. 121 00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:08,680 Hey Vinnie. How is she? 122 00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:10,720 Well, I've gotta be honest with you, mate. 123 00:06:10,760 --> 00:06:12,400 She's not fucking great, actually. 124 00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:15,400 There's some bloody steep stairs in this house, you know? 125 00:06:15,440 --> 00:06:18,080 I know. Those are the ones she fell down. 126 00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:21,120 If something happens during Christmas 127 00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:22,960 and no-one's around to help her, 128 00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:25,080 I mean, I'd feel fucking terrible, man. 129 00:06:25,120 --> 00:06:27,640 Alright, alright, don't paint me as the bad guy... 130 00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:30,480 Alright then, you've made it my fucking problem. 131 00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:32,640 What d'you want me to do with her, dude? 132 00:06:32,680 --> 00:06:35,680 You couldn't put her up in your house, could you? Just for a few days? 133 00:06:35,720 --> 00:06:38,440 I live in a shack in the freezing woods, 134 00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:41,320 you dickhead. It's Christmas time. It's too cold for that. 135 00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:43,520 Alright, OK, yeah, good point. 136 00:06:43,560 --> 00:06:45,560 Look, er... OK, better idea. 137 00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:49,360 Mm-hmm... 138 00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:56,280 I'm not a child. CHRIS: Edie, don't hang up... 139 00:06:59,040 --> 00:07:00,960 So, what do you think? 140 00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:04,160 I don't need babysitting. I might be old and useless... 141 00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:05,960 But I wouldn't look at it like that. 142 00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:08,360 You've gotta look at it more along the lines of... 143 00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:10,640 Old lady sitting? That, yes! 144 00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:13,880 Old lady sitting. (LAUGHS) Come on... 145 00:07:13,920 --> 00:07:17,720 I mean, fucking hell. It's a bit of company during this festive period. 146 00:07:17,760 --> 00:07:21,280 You hate Christmas. I hate Christmas. 147 00:07:21,320 --> 00:07:24,160 And I can keep you company. Look at it like that. 148 00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:27,160 I can get a bit of fucking company, for Christ's sake. 149 00:07:27,600 --> 00:07:29,280 (VAPE CRACKLES) (SIGHS) 150 00:07:32,320 --> 00:07:34,560 Mm... You don't smoke indoors. 151 00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:36,720 You don't come into my bedroom. Mm... 152 00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:39,400 You don't play loud music. 153 00:07:39,440 --> 00:07:41,320 You don't bring tuna into the house, 154 00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:43,520 and whatever you do, don't ever - EVER... 155 00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:48,600 ..go up into my loft space. 156 00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:51,840 Intense. It feels like a very intense rule. 157 00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:55,840 I've never met anyone that's quite so serious about their loft space. 158 00:07:55,880 --> 00:07:58,040 Well, you have now. 159 00:07:58,080 --> 00:07:59,600 Sick. 160 00:07:59,640 --> 00:08:01,560 (FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYS) 161 00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:04,120 One night he looks out the window. He's like, oh, fuck me, 162 00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:06,480 it's misty. I need to get old Rudolph involved. 163 00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:09,760 "Rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight?" 164 00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:12,360 Rudolph could have turned round right, 165 00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:15,200 he could have been like, fuck you fat lad, the way you've treated me. 166 00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:17,040 But he doesn't. Probably because - hello! 167 00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:20,680 Because of the years of abuse and the resultant low self-esteem. 168 00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:23,000 And to be fair, right, Rudolph gets stuck in 169 00:08:23,040 --> 00:08:24,920 and he plays an absolute blinder, right. 170 00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:27,800 Then suddenly - oh, suddenly - all the other reindeers love him! 171 00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:29,920 They're all fucking laughing and dancing 172 00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:32,400 and playing their reindeer games. D'you know what I mean? 173 00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:35,600 I tell you, Rudolph being Rudolph, he'll let bygones be bygones. 174 00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:38,760 What I'm saying is, right, If it had been me, 175 00:08:38,799 --> 00:08:41,039 I'd have fucking petrol bombed the cunts. 176 00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:43,159 And don't get me started on Good King Wenceslas. 177 00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:44,200 They're starting. 178 00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:49,240 Please welcome, for the annual Hawley lights switch on... 179 00:08:49,280 --> 00:08:51,720 He's a massive local name, 180 00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:54,280 massive local celebrity, 181 00:08:54,320 --> 00:08:57,040 put your hands together for... 182 00:08:57,080 --> 00:09:01,240 Mister Ian Brillington! 183 00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:03,440 (APPLAUSE) (ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) Wayhey... 184 00:09:03,480 --> 00:09:07,000 Hey, hey, heeeyyyy! Who the fuck is that? 185 00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:10,400 He went on Britain's Got Talent and he got four fucking "No's." 186 00:09:10,440 --> 00:09:12,720 Pleasure to be here. Now! 187 00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:16,000 Are we ready for the countdown? ALL: Yes! 188 00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:19,080 I can't hear you! Oh, don't milk it, Ian. 189 00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:22,600 I said, are we ready for the countdown!(CHEERING) 190 00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:25,400 OK, here, we go. Ten... 191 00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:27,680 What was his talent? ALL: Nine, eight... 192 00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:31,200 He did a reverse strip tease. Started naked and then... 193 00:09:31,240 --> 00:09:34,120 danced his clothes back on. Oh, that sounds good. 194 00:09:34,160 --> 00:09:37,440 ..three, two, one... 195 00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:39,440 ALL: Ooh... 196 00:09:39,480 --> 00:09:40,760 (ELECTRIC SIZZLING) 197 00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:44,720 (GLASS SHATTERS) 198 00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:47,800 We can all agree, Oxford Street it is not. Pints?! 199 00:09:47,840 --> 00:09:49,120 There you go. 200 00:09:49,160 --> 00:09:51,840 # Oh, it's Christmas time, mistletoe and wine... 201 00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:54,040 Oh my God, this fucking song again! 202 00:09:54,080 --> 00:09:55,680 I've heard it 15 times today! 203 00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:58,160 Elizabeth, Elizabeth, turn this shit off, right? 204 00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:00,480 I want to pour this Christian wine 205 00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:03,080 where the sun don't shine. 206 00:10:03,120 --> 00:10:04,200 Fuck off. 207 00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:06,160 Get off my fuckin' chair, go on. 208 00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:08,800 Hello. Ho, ho, ho, ho. 209 00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:11,120 Welcome to the pub, your magistrate. 210 00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:13,680 I thought you were doing The Nativity.We are. 211 00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:17,600 so why are you dressed as King Charles... 212 00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:20,520 It's King Herod. Herod? What is Herod? 213 00:10:20,560 --> 00:10:23,240 Cardi, Herod had all the young men under the age of two 214 00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:25,120 rounded up and murdered. 215 00:10:25,160 --> 00:10:26,400 For Christmas? Yes. 216 00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:28,960 Not being funny, but do you think he might have been miscast? 217 00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:30,000 Tommo! 218 00:10:30,040 --> 00:10:33,000 Just sayin', your son doesn't look like a baby murderer, 219 00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:35,640 with his cherubic features, his Susan Boyle hair, all that. 220 00:10:35,680 --> 00:10:38,800 I tell you who does look like a baby murderer, your mate, Liam Watson. 221 00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:42,160 With them ratty eyes-Send out the soldiers and have him destroyed! 222 00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:45,040 Oh! Ha, ha, ha... Ohhh! 223 00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:46,160 (LAUGHS) 224 00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:48,880 Right there, very good acting, that's good acting. 225 00:10:48,920 --> 00:10:52,240 Thanks, Tommo. Who owns a sex truck. Any more notes? 226 00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:54,640 Attitude, d'you know what I mean. 227 00:10:54,680 --> 00:10:57,480 Where's Vin? We don't know, nobody's seen him. 228 00:10:57,520 --> 00:10:58,520 (DOORBELL RINGS) 229 00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:03,760 Ey up, mate. See, it's only little that rucksack, innit? 230 00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:07,200 There's not so much in there. There's just a toothbrush in there, 231 00:11:07,240 --> 00:11:09,600 and some "pyjamjams" so you don't see my bits. 232 00:11:09,640 --> 00:11:13,400 I've even brought some din dins, and this bloody thing here. 233 00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:15,640 That's staying in my pocket. 234 00:11:15,680 --> 00:11:18,360 See, all this sucking you do, 235 00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:21,560 that is a replacement for your mother's tit. 236 00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:24,200 You're probably right, you know. I agree with that. 237 00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:26,760 My mum's tit weren't butterscotch flavour, though. 238 00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:29,840 It was steeped in abandonment. (LAUGHS) 239 00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:31,320 (APPLAUSE IN TV SHOW) 240 00:11:35,920 --> 00:11:38,080 Is your din dins alright? 241 00:11:38,120 --> 00:11:39,960 It's food, I'm eating it. 242 00:11:56,720 --> 00:11:58,280 EDIE: His body's up there. 243 00:11:58,320 --> 00:11:59,440 (TENSE STING) 244 00:12:01,080 --> 00:12:02,080 You what? 245 00:12:03,160 --> 00:12:07,360 My husband, Fred. His body is in the loft space, mummified. 246 00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:11,360 Never go up there. 247 00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:13,680 Mm... 248 00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:19,480 Sleep well. 249 00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:20,920 Oh, right... 250 00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:24,600 Fucking terrifying. 251 00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:26,800 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) The Nativity! 252 00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:29,120 Oh my God, what the hell has happened? 253 00:12:29,160 --> 00:12:32,440 WOMAN: Someone broke in last night, robbed and trashed the place. 254 00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:34,200 Can we fix it? 255 00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:37,600 Not easily, darling, no. 256 00:12:38,600 --> 00:12:40,280 Come here. 257 00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:44,760 Excuse me, would you mind Tyler for me.Of course. 258 00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:50,280 (LINE TRILLS) VOICEMAIL: Leave your message after the tone. 259 00:12:50,320 --> 00:12:53,040 (BEEP)Vinnie, where the fuck are you? I need to speak to you. 260 00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:55,160 Will you answer your phone, please. Bye. 261 00:12:57,360 --> 00:12:58,920 Two... 262 00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:01,960 two for boring holes. (DOORBELL RINGS) 263 00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:04,520 What's this one here? I wanna know what that one is. 264 00:13:04,560 --> 00:13:06,040 I'm coming! 265 00:13:08,160 --> 00:13:09,560 You alright? 266 00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:11,680 No. No, come here... 267 00:13:13,680 --> 00:13:15,160 Oh sausage... Mm... 268 00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:18,920 Get in there, she's in the kitchen. Tell me exactly what's happened. 269 00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:21,680 You know how much work the school's put in, right? 270 00:13:21,720 --> 00:13:24,400 It's meant to be this huge event for the community, 271 00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:26,320 meant to have a Christmas grotto 272 00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:28,680 and then a big Christmas fair afterwards. 273 00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:32,600 Last night, scumbags broke in, trashed the whole fucking place. 274 00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:34,240 Fuck... Seriously. 275 00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:35,920 Why? I know. 276 00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:38,440 Fucking hell. Well, is Tyler alright? 277 00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:41,400 No he's not. He's fucking gutted. 278 00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:43,600 You know how much effort he put into that show. 279 00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:45,960 (TUTS) Little man. 280 00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:47,960 Alright, what's the school said? 281 00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:50,160 Well, they want to cancel the whole thing. 282 00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:52,280 Oh, no, that's bad. Yeah. 283 00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:54,600 Tell 'em that I'll sort it. 284 00:13:54,640 --> 00:13:56,680 And The Nativity 's back on, I'll make it work. 285 00:13:56,720 --> 00:13:58,880 How? Vin, it's in four days. 286 00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:01,520 I fucking know, it's a nightmare. I'll sort it. 287 00:14:01,560 --> 00:14:02,840 (DOOR CREAKS OPEN) Oh... 288 00:14:02,880 --> 00:14:04,120 Here she is. 289 00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:07,000 Hi, you must be Edie. Correct. 290 00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:09,320 Oh, I'm Erin. 291 00:14:09,360 --> 00:14:10,600 Nice name. 292 00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:12,760 Ah, thanks, yours is... 293 00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:15,040 four letters, beginning with E. 294 00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:17,600 We're the best, ha. I never liked my name. 295 00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:20,800 Oh...There's not a single famous Edie, that speaks volumes, 296 00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:22,760 don't you think? There fucking is! 297 00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:25,560 Bloody whatsherbollocks... Edith erm... 298 00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:26,600 Piaf! 299 00:14:26,640 --> 00:14:29,680 Most celebrated French singer ever to live. 300 00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:31,160 Also... 301 00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:32,800 Edith Bowman. 302 00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:34,400 I'm not Edith. 303 00:14:34,440 --> 00:14:35,720 No... 304 00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:37,840 Are you his girlfriend? Oh, God, no. 305 00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:39,320 No, it's not like that. No. 306 00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:41,520 I was going to say, because you're very beautiful. 307 00:14:41,560 --> 00:14:43,320 Aww. That's hurtful. 308 00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:46,200 We have a child together. 309 00:14:46,240 --> 00:14:48,840 One-night stand. Long, long time ago. 310 00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:51,560 Drunk, were you? Oh, God, yeah. (LAUGHS) 311 00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:53,520 You'd have to be, wouldn't you? 312 00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:55,760 And you got a baby from it? 313 00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:59,640 Yeah, Tyler. Something's happened at his school, that's why I'm here. 314 00:14:59,680 --> 00:15:02,520 What age is he? Ten. 315 00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:04,960 Primary school. So, I was a primary school teacher. 316 00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:08,600 In the good old days, when you could clip them round the ear. 317 00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:10,480 Suppose that was a different time. 318 00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:13,440 Anyway, 319 00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:15,800 I only came in for my pills. 320 00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:19,840 Oh, that's a nice way of doing it. 321 00:15:19,880 --> 00:15:23,080 Mm, thought it might make taking them more fun. 322 00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:24,280 Has it? 323 00:15:24,320 --> 00:15:25,640 No! 324 00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:29,400 (AWKWARD CHUCKLE) 325 00:15:29,880 --> 00:15:32,280 (She's a fucking piece of work.) I like her. 326 00:15:32,320 --> 00:15:34,280 (LAUGHS) 327 00:15:34,320 --> 00:15:36,160 How long you here for? I don't know. 328 00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:39,200 Until Chris is back off his fuckin' New Year's holiday. 329 00:15:39,240 --> 00:15:40,880 Fucking... Good luck. 330 00:15:40,920 --> 00:15:43,840 N-N- No, no, I've just been saving the best till last. 331 00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:45,560 I need to borrow you. 332 00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:47,000 What if she comes? 333 00:15:47,040 --> 00:15:49,320 If she comes you'll have to let me know, won't you? 334 00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:51,880 You're the lookout, you turnip. Right, go on. 335 00:15:51,920 --> 00:15:54,520 Vin, get your arse out my face. It's all about... 336 00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:56,520 I'll poke it. I'll fucking poke it. 337 00:15:56,560 --> 00:15:59,360 Oo, I'm going in, right. You fuckin' went right in. 338 00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:03,800 (SINISTER MUSIC) 339 00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:05,120 Pfff.... 340 00:16:07,240 --> 00:16:10,440 (SCREAMS)What? What are you doing, Vinnie? What? 341 00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:13,520 Fucking husband's up there, dude, fucking dead, dead. 342 00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:14,600 Caught you! Whaa?! 343 00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:17,320 This is the type you are. You can't be trusted. 344 00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:18,920 You've got a fucking dead dude in your attic! 345 00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:21,320 This is my house and I'll have what I want in here, 346 00:16:21,360 --> 00:16:23,360 and I don't want YOU. 347 00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:25,880 Well, fucking fine, 348 00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:27,200 maybe I'll go. 349 00:16:27,240 --> 00:16:28,720 Do. 350 00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:32,000 Let's go. Get out. I'm going. Come on. 351 00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:34,400 Good. And don't come back! 352 00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:35,920 I fucking won't, dude. 353 00:16:38,440 --> 00:16:40,840 OK, cokey... Vin, you can't just leave her. 354 00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:43,560 She'll be OK. I'll come back later, check she's still alive. 355 00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:47,320 Everything'll be fine. I'm gonna drop you at home, then Chinese Dan. It's no problem. 356 00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:48,760 (FESTIVE MUSIC) 357 00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:55,280 Trashed Christmas? Who does a thing like that? 358 00:16:55,320 --> 00:16:57,800 They want stringing up, isn't that right, Calvin? 359 00:16:57,840 --> 00:17:00,440 Stringing up. By their short and curlies. 360 00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:03,120 So naturally you thought Chinese Dan - big heart, 361 00:17:03,160 --> 00:17:07,480 cares about his community, a sort of Santa Claus of the Hawley area. 362 00:17:07,520 --> 00:17:11,280 But you're not like Santa Claus! You're like a fucking bollock 363 00:17:11,319 --> 00:17:12,800 on legs is what you are. 364 00:17:12,839 --> 00:17:16,200 Now listen, it's that time of year, you get the knock off gear. 365 00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:19,200 We need to sort this fucking- No Vincent, no, that hurt. 366 00:17:19,240 --> 00:17:21,880 Bloody knock off gear. That's like a... 367 00:17:22,839 --> 00:17:25,839 (SINGS) # ..a dagger to my heart, 368 00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:28,760 # a dagger to my heart! 369 00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:30,640 # It's turning me up, 370 00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:32,320 # breaking me down, 371 00:17:32,360 --> 00:17:35,120 # ripping me apart, 372 00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:37,760 # dagger to my heart # That's not a real song. 373 00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:40,000 That's on of my own compositions. (GRUNTS) 374 00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:41,720 I do soft rock on't weekends. 375 00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:44,040 Have you got Christmas gear in the lock up, or not? 376 00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:47,280 Yeah, course we have. Reindeer, snowmen, elves... 377 00:17:47,320 --> 00:17:50,520 Calvin, take them to the Christmas aisle! 378 00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:54,520 Are you coming? I'm off for a shit. 379 00:17:54,560 --> 00:17:55,800 Gross, dude! 380 00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:09,880 # Oh, it's Christmas time, 381 00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:11,480 # mistletoe and wine... 382 00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:14,640 This fucking song again, honestly, it's fuckin' haunting me. 383 00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:17,560 It's mainly crap that's left, with it being so close to Christmas. 384 00:18:17,600 --> 00:18:18,760 Is there an Easter aisle? 385 00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:21,320 He's not gonna have one at Christmas, is he, Cardi? 386 00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:23,080 We do, actually. That's aisle 5. 387 00:18:23,120 --> 00:18:25,920 Aisle 12's Halloween, and aisle 69's Valentine's. 388 00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:28,120 It's not, cos you haven't got 69 aisles, have you? 389 00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:30,520 You're lying to make it sexy. But I COULD do. 390 00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:33,200 Right, we're here. What you looking for? 391 00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:35,920 Jesus, it's all a bit low rent, lads, isn't it, like? 392 00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:38,240 What the fuck is that, like? (CLATTER)Oh. 393 00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:41,800 That, Carol, is clearly our lord and saviour, the baby Jesus. 394 00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:43,160 But it has a wonky left eye 395 00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:45,320 and it's only three fingers on its little hand. 396 00:18:45,360 --> 00:18:48,080 We can't be too negative. It does, it looks like shite, 397 00:18:48,120 --> 00:18:50,800 but there's plenty to go at. You've got your fake snow. 398 00:18:50,840 --> 00:18:54,440 That's terrible stuff, innit, that? That's going in a dolphin's eyes. 399 00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:56,400 Or a moron's. (LAUGHTER) 400 00:18:56,440 --> 00:18:59,880 You've got the fuckin' fairy lights. They're gonna look fantastic. 401 00:18:59,920 --> 00:19:04,480 What I'm saying is, there can't be much more we need for The Nativity. 402 00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:07,280 D'you know what I'm saying, Calvin? We need the entire set. 403 00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:10,200 Fucking costumes, an inn, Wise Three Men shit... 404 00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:13,040 Where are we gonna get all of that? (MOBILE RINGS) 405 00:19:13,080 --> 00:19:15,720 Oh, bloody hell. You alright, lad? 406 00:19:15,760 --> 00:19:16,760 Hiya, Dad. 407 00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:20,160 I'm at Jim's farm, we've got a brilliant idea for The Nativity. 408 00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:22,160 Oh, you're fucking joking. 409 00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:24,840 I'd like to buy these, but I think they're too "deer." 410 00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:26,520 (LAUGHING) 411 00:19:26,560 --> 00:19:28,600 (TYRES SCREECH) (HAND BRAKE CLICKS) 412 00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:31,400 Come on, children. 413 00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:34,520 Here we go, have a look at this. 414 00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:36,040 Ta-dah! 415 00:19:36,080 --> 00:19:39,720 What d'you think? I think that it's, well... 416 00:19:39,760 --> 00:19:44,120 It's, it's very... it's very... Like, what I like is, is erm... 417 00:19:44,160 --> 00:19:45,880 What the fuck is that? Yeah.Yeah. 418 00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:49,240 Nativity. In fucking situ. 419 00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:51,720 Baby Jesus was born in a barn. Shh... 420 00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:54,200 Realistic this, the smell of cow shit. 421 00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:57,080 Oh, God. Real cold blowing through the doors. 422 00:19:57,120 --> 00:19:59,120 Just like Bethlehem. Mm... 423 00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:02,280 They can perform it right here. For a small remuneration. 424 00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:04,480 Oh, you're just the opposite of Christmas. 425 00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:07,600 Who are these lads here? Three Wise Men and a friend. 426 00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:09,640 They're not very wise-looking though. 427 00:20:09,680 --> 00:20:11,800 They're more like the shadowy figures that haunt my dreams. 428 00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:15,000 But they're temporary, on the day you'll have kid actors. 429 00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:18,920 Can I just ask? This is baby Jesus represented by... 430 00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:21,800 a root veg? Well, again, temporary. 431 00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:24,760 Yeah... You can tell. Come here, to me. 432 00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:27,520 I just want you to know that I'm very proud of you. 433 00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:29,920 You're like your dad, you're a fucking do-er, alright? 434 00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:32,160 We can do better. You can, yeah, definitely. 435 00:20:32,200 --> 00:20:33,840 We can always do better, all of us can. 436 00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:37,400 I'm gonna fucking help you out, alright? This guy is staying. 437 00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:40,360 I like him. Potato Jesus, digging it big time. 438 00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:42,840 (MOBILE RINGS) Shit, who's this now? 439 00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:45,920 Edie? You alright, love? Fire! My kitchen's on fire. 440 00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:47,680 You what? I've set it on fire. 441 00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:50,600 What? What the fuck? Well, are you alright? 442 00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:53,960 Listen to me, get out of the fucking house and ring 999. 443 00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:56,400 I'm on my way to you. Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks. 444 00:20:56,440 --> 00:20:58,480 Jimbo, Jim, take the boy home. 445 00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:07,640 (HAND BRAKE CLICKS) (HORN HONKS) 446 00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:12,240 (KNOCKS) (RINGS DOORBELL) 447 00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:14,000 Edie?! 448 00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:16,840 Edie?! 449 00:21:17,840 --> 00:21:18,840 Fuck! 450 00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:20,760 (GROANS) Arse... 451 00:21:20,800 --> 00:21:22,360 Fuck me... 452 00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:24,880 I'm coming. Oh for, fuck me! 453 00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:28,040 (DOOR SLAMS) 454 00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:29,520 What the fuck?! 455 00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:33,360 Err, sorry, false alarm. 456 00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:36,800 There's not any fucking- You're not even cooking nor nothing, dude. 457 00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:40,040 I was shitting myself. I, I thought I saw smoke. 458 00:21:40,080 --> 00:21:42,200 What, from your fucking cup of tea? 459 00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:43,720 I thought you were on fire. 460 00:21:43,760 --> 00:21:46,760 I've just been trying to sort Tyler's Christmas school thing. 461 00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:50,280 Some fucker has completely written off the bloody Nativity. 462 00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:53,040 Who the fuck does- What's wrong with people? 463 00:21:55,000 --> 00:21:56,200 (SIGHS) 464 00:21:56,240 --> 00:21:58,560 I'm sorry I'm shouting. 465 00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:03,000 I'm very sweaty and I've banged my arse on the fucking gate. 466 00:22:03,040 --> 00:22:06,240 I didn't think you liked me being round here. 467 00:22:08,240 --> 00:22:09,880 I don't. 468 00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:13,320 Shall I make you a warm drink? 469 00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:15,720 Yes, please. 470 00:22:26,520 --> 00:22:28,960 # NEIL DIAMOND: "You Don't Bring Me Flowers" 471 00:22:36,640 --> 00:22:39,040 # You don't bring me flowers 472 00:22:41,400 --> 00:22:43,520 # You don't sing me love songs 473 00:22:43,560 --> 00:22:45,520 (MUFFLED MUSIC) 474 00:22:45,560 --> 00:22:47,760 # You hardly talk to me anymore 475 00:22:49,080 --> 00:22:53,160 # When I come through the door at the end of the day 476 00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:56,440 # I remember when... 477 00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:01,720 Baked beans. 478 00:23:01,760 --> 00:23:03,920 Baked beans, how many? 479 00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:04,960 One. 480 00:23:06,320 --> 00:23:08,480 Tinned tomatoes. 481 00:23:08,520 --> 00:23:11,280 Oh... Just one? One. 482 00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:14,880 So, your son, he's in The Nativity? Yeah, well yeah, 483 00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:18,000 he will be if we can get the bloody thing up and running again, yeah. 484 00:23:18,040 --> 00:23:19,440 Acting in his blood? 485 00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:23,320 Well, I wouldn't say that. But he fucking enjoys it, definitely. 486 00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:26,040 Err, tinned lentils. 487 00:23:26,080 --> 00:23:27,720 How many? 488 00:23:27,760 --> 00:23:29,080 Two- One. 489 00:23:31,040 --> 00:23:33,160 I used to do all that. 490 00:23:33,200 --> 00:23:34,640 Put on shows. 491 00:23:34,680 --> 00:23:38,520 I'd write them, direct them, I did all the school ones, 492 00:23:38,560 --> 00:23:41,760 but also outside for a kid's theatre group. 493 00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:43,960 We used to tour, we were good. 494 00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:46,400 Did your kids enjoy acting as well? 495 00:23:46,440 --> 00:23:48,440 How do you know I have any? 496 00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:49,800 Cos you have pictures. 497 00:23:51,400 --> 00:23:53,720 No, they were more into sport. 498 00:23:53,760 --> 00:23:54,960 Cricket... 499 00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:58,240 Joshua was, he was good at cricket. 500 00:23:58,280 --> 00:24:01,760 Well, you see a lot. How do you make a living? 501 00:24:01,800 --> 00:24:05,200 You've got a lot of free time, haven't you? For shopping with old ladies. 502 00:24:05,240 --> 00:24:08,480 That's right, cos I'm a good lad. I'm just in a... 503 00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:12,640 unique industry, growing erm... 504 00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:16,160 medicinal plants. 505 00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:19,360 Oh, oh, I see, I see. And that pays well, does it? 506 00:24:19,400 --> 00:24:21,880 Well... The nice clothes, the nice trainers, 507 00:24:21,920 --> 00:24:23,960 neck tattoos. They don't come cheap. 508 00:24:25,320 --> 00:24:28,120 I've smoked a little marijuana 509 00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:30,640 during my bohemian phase. 510 00:24:30,680 --> 00:24:33,880 And what did your bohemian phase involve, eh? 511 00:24:33,920 --> 00:24:35,800 Sex, mainly... 512 00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:38,320 We used to have a lot of sex. Chickpeas. 513 00:24:38,360 --> 00:24:40,680 Mm, how many? One? Yes. 514 00:24:40,720 --> 00:24:42,920 I suppose young people still do, don't they, 515 00:24:42,960 --> 00:24:45,840 with their grinder and whatnot. They're fucking mad for it. 516 00:24:45,880 --> 00:24:48,240 It's an epidemic. You not on that? 517 00:24:48,280 --> 00:24:50,120 No, I tried Tinder once, but it's awful. 518 00:24:50,160 --> 00:24:52,720 It's like shopping for fucking trainers. 519 00:24:52,760 --> 00:24:56,360 You're not one of the normal ones, are you, Gregory?Vinnie. 520 00:24:56,400 --> 00:24:59,360 I will call you Gregory. Well, alright then... 521 00:25:01,240 --> 00:25:02,600 It's a theatre prop. 522 00:25:03,680 --> 00:25:05,360 What is? 523 00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:08,480 The mummy. It's a prop. From a show. 524 00:25:08,520 --> 00:25:10,760 The kids loved playing with it. 525 00:25:10,800 --> 00:25:13,640 It was a better mummy than some of them had at home... 526 00:25:19,920 --> 00:25:22,480 Fucking size of that rice. (CAR BOOT OPENS) 527 00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:27,680 What is this tat? You off to the dump? 528 00:25:27,720 --> 00:25:30,880 Never mind fucking tat. This is for the bloody whatsit... 529 00:25:30,920 --> 00:25:33,760 for the school bloody Nativity shit. What in God's name? 530 00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:35,120 What is, what is that?! 531 00:25:35,160 --> 00:25:37,120 I beg you to be careful with the crown. 532 00:25:37,160 --> 00:25:40,800 That's a Wise Man's crown.It's not a crown, it's a plastic tiara. 533 00:25:40,840 --> 00:25:42,600 Oh, for... God, no, 534 00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:47,600 Greg, no child should be subjected to a bad Nativity. 535 00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:49,320 What do you want me to do? I'm fucked. 536 00:25:49,360 --> 00:25:52,880 I know it's bad. It's all I can do. I'm pushed for fucking time. 537 00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:55,160 Life's just a bit of a shitter. 538 00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:57,920 It's too fucking drags, we're not even the house. 539 00:26:01,080 --> 00:26:02,400 Oh gosh... 540 00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:06,640 Oh, it's a long time since I've smoked a joint. 541 00:26:07,840 --> 00:26:09,880 # "HEAVEN CAN WAIT" PLAYS 542 00:26:17,440 --> 00:26:19,320 # Heaven can wait 543 00:26:20,640 --> 00:26:22,560 # This is paradise... 544 00:26:22,600 --> 00:26:25,840 Now, listen, I have rolled that mild. 545 00:26:25,880 --> 00:26:28,920 But I still want you to take your time. 546 00:26:28,960 --> 00:26:31,520 Because it is a lot stronger than... 547 00:26:31,560 --> 00:26:33,360 it used to be. 548 00:26:33,400 --> 00:26:36,400 Oh... Why the fuck do I even speak? 549 00:26:36,440 --> 00:26:38,600 Oh, that's nice.It is. Mmm... 550 00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:40,320 You see I... No, no, no, no, no, 551 00:26:40,360 --> 00:26:42,600 you shouldn't do it like that. Have a minute, 552 00:26:42,640 --> 00:26:45,120 cos you'll have whitey, you'll have to go on't floor, 553 00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:47,520 and I'll find some chocolates to pull you out the shite. 554 00:26:47,560 --> 00:26:49,560 Don't fuss. Mm... 555 00:26:49,600 --> 00:26:51,120 Mm... 556 00:26:51,160 --> 00:26:53,200 Too much... (CHUCKLES) 557 00:26:53,240 --> 00:26:55,160 (LAUGHS) 558 00:26:56,320 --> 00:26:57,600 (COUGHS) 559 00:26:59,720 --> 00:27:03,160 Oh, I feel strange, don't you? I know, you've gone too far. 560 00:27:03,200 --> 00:27:05,560 We're gonna have to go in. Come on, dickhead. 561 00:27:05,600 --> 00:27:07,760 Oh...D'you want to come to the couch for a bit? 562 00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:10,320 Just come up slow. Come up slow, come on now... 563 00:27:15,440 --> 00:27:17,280 (SUCKS) Why do you... 564 00:27:21,320 --> 00:27:24,440 why do you live alone in the woods, like some... 565 00:27:25,320 --> 00:27:27,800 creepy, forest vagrant? 566 00:27:29,920 --> 00:27:32,480 Honest to God, I don't fucking know to be honest. 567 00:27:32,520 --> 00:27:34,920 I think I just like the peace and quiet of it. 568 00:27:36,560 --> 00:27:39,000 Doesn't it get lonely? Yeah. 569 00:27:41,200 --> 00:27:44,280 Yeah, it fucking does, yeah. And at night it's the worst. 570 00:27:44,320 --> 00:27:47,400 I always wish there was someone there at night. 571 00:27:47,440 --> 00:27:52,200 But then... truthfully I just want 'em gone within a few hours. 572 00:27:52,240 --> 00:27:56,320 I'm just not good with people. I think it's cos Mum wasn't about. 573 00:27:56,360 --> 00:27:58,280 She left me at a very early age. 574 00:27:58,320 --> 00:28:01,040 So I just never really got my head around it. 575 00:28:01,080 --> 00:28:02,920 Socialising. 576 00:28:02,960 --> 00:28:06,000 And do you see, do you see your mother now? 577 00:28:07,120 --> 00:28:09,920 Yeah... saw her once but, well... 578 00:28:12,320 --> 00:28:15,280 She's got a life of her own now, really, you know? 579 00:28:15,320 --> 00:28:19,160 Oh, don't let pride get in the way. I've seen that happen. 580 00:28:19,200 --> 00:28:22,920 Only when it's too late and people think, why didn't I act sooner... 581 00:28:22,960 --> 00:28:24,160 (SIGHS) 582 00:28:26,400 --> 00:28:28,360 What happened to your husband? 583 00:28:30,440 --> 00:28:33,680 I'll tell you a story... 584 00:28:33,720 --> 00:28:35,080 Nice. 585 00:28:35,120 --> 00:28:37,200 Many years ago, 586 00:28:38,200 --> 00:28:42,280 I was walking to get a, a trophy engraved, 587 00:28:42,320 --> 00:28:44,320 don't ask me why, it's a long story. 588 00:28:44,360 --> 00:28:48,160 And the trophy isn't relevant. And it was raining. 589 00:28:48,200 --> 00:28:50,400 And on the way back, 590 00:28:50,440 --> 00:28:54,240 I saw this great big puddle of human vomit, 591 00:28:54,280 --> 00:28:56,040 from the night before. 592 00:28:56,080 --> 00:28:59,520 And it was a really good spread actually - carrots, obviously, 593 00:28:59,560 --> 00:29:03,160 lumpy bits, all sorts, and, as I walked past, 594 00:29:03,200 --> 00:29:06,280 a bird swooped down, 595 00:29:06,320 --> 00:29:09,600 a magpie it was, and they're beautiful birds, 596 00:29:09,640 --> 00:29:13,720 just magnificent feathers - and it started eating from the vomit, 597 00:29:13,760 --> 00:29:15,440 just... 598 00:29:15,480 --> 00:29:20,080 gulping down all the really chunky stuff... 599 00:29:22,000 --> 00:29:23,040 Mm... 600 00:29:24,000 --> 00:29:25,880 Fucking hell, is that the end of the story? 601 00:29:25,920 --> 00:29:27,920 Mmhmm. Lord God. 602 00:29:27,960 --> 00:29:30,600 What did any of that mean then? 603 00:29:30,640 --> 00:29:33,000 That was my marriage. 604 00:29:33,040 --> 00:29:35,120 And I was the magpie. 605 00:29:36,200 --> 00:29:38,800 For far too many years... 606 00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:48,640 Oh, 607 00:29:48,680 --> 00:29:53,040 one of the boys who used to come to my theatre group, Dick Dolphin - 608 00:29:53,080 --> 00:29:55,440 his real name, staggeringly - 609 00:29:55,480 --> 00:29:59,240 I think he might be able to help with your Nativity. 610 00:29:59,280 --> 00:30:01,280 I've heard his name before. 611 00:30:01,320 --> 00:30:04,400 Well, yeah, he was in the paper for avoiding his taxes. 612 00:30:04,440 --> 00:30:08,280 I did NOT avoid taxes. (CASHIER DINGS) 613 00:30:08,320 --> 00:30:10,360 (LAUGHS) Cheeky bugger. 614 00:30:10,400 --> 00:30:14,000 He's a businessman now. But he has a Winter Wonderland. 615 00:30:14,040 --> 00:30:16,920 I was quite a big influence on him, back when he was young, 616 00:30:16,960 --> 00:30:19,440 cos the theatre group gave him a sense of purpose. 617 00:30:19,480 --> 00:30:23,920 I think he would let you borrow some sets and costumes for Tyler's show. 618 00:30:23,960 --> 00:30:25,880 Can you have a word with him for me, then? 619 00:30:25,920 --> 00:30:28,560 Well, I haven't spoken to him for a long time, but... 620 00:30:29,760 --> 00:30:31,120 Yes, I will do that. 621 00:30:31,160 --> 00:30:35,840 Could you get my phone, and light this for me please. 622 00:30:35,880 --> 00:30:37,240 Yeah, give it here. 623 00:30:37,280 --> 00:30:40,800 I feel like you might have been Bogart in this, ever so slightly. 624 00:30:46,480 --> 00:30:51,720 Come here. I want you to meet Dr Chris' Auntie Edie. 625 00:30:51,760 --> 00:30:53,880 Into the wonderland. 626 00:30:57,760 --> 00:31:00,200 Mister Dolphin's assistant's on his way down now. 627 00:31:00,240 --> 00:31:02,640 Assistant, can't he walk? 628 00:31:02,680 --> 00:31:04,880 Like a real dolphin. 629 00:31:04,920 --> 00:31:07,480 Here he is. (PATHOLOGICALLY CHEERFUL)Hello. 630 00:31:07,520 --> 00:31:11,040 Hey.Alright, I'm Blizzard, you must be Edith. 631 00:31:11,080 --> 00:31:14,120 You must be Edith's friends. Mr Dolphin is expecting you. 632 00:31:14,160 --> 00:31:16,200 So if you'd like to follow me this way. 633 00:31:16,240 --> 00:31:18,880 Oh, it's quite a long walk... 634 00:31:20,880 --> 00:31:23,240 (LAUGHS) OK... 635 00:31:23,280 --> 00:31:26,640 I feel like an invalid. Sorry, it's "elf and safety." 636 00:31:26,680 --> 00:31:30,000 Oh, Christ alive. That's the Santa Paws gallery, 637 00:31:30,040 --> 00:31:33,040 fun photos of dogs in festive fancy dress. 638 00:31:33,080 --> 00:31:34,400 The kids love it. Do they? 639 00:31:34,440 --> 00:31:37,080 What's that there, there? That's, that's Whack-a-pole. 640 00:31:37,120 --> 00:31:39,920 North pole, penguins pop up, whack 'em back down. 641 00:31:39,960 --> 00:31:41,800 Hey, Blizzard, come here. 642 00:31:41,840 --> 00:31:44,880 So I read that you put on all these bloody plays, don't you? 643 00:31:44,920 --> 00:31:47,440 You've got a stage and stuff like. You do Nativities... 644 00:31:47,480 --> 00:31:50,760 We have several shows everyday. The Nativity's very popular. 645 00:31:50,800 --> 00:31:54,520 Oh...We do a Christmas Carol with a female Scrooge for diversity. 646 00:31:54,560 --> 00:31:57,600 We do a dance version of It's A Wonderful Life. The kids love that. 647 00:31:57,640 --> 00:32:00,320 How far is this office? Oh, we're nearly there. 648 00:32:00,360 --> 00:32:03,400 You see that glittery door, that's the Elf's workshop. 649 00:32:03,440 --> 00:32:05,840 And Mr Dolphin's grotto. (LAUGHS) Oh... 650 00:32:05,880 --> 00:32:09,240 That's exciting, innit? Sorry, excuse me, thank you. OK... 651 00:32:09,280 --> 00:32:10,520 (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) 652 00:32:13,320 --> 00:32:14,440 (BEEPING) 653 00:32:26,280 --> 00:32:27,440 (SNORTS) 654 00:32:28,400 --> 00:32:30,480 It's like Mister Benn that room, innit? 655 00:32:30,520 --> 00:32:33,520 Go in normal, come out like a snowman... 656 00:32:33,560 --> 00:32:35,120 Who's Mister Benn? 657 00:32:36,400 --> 00:32:37,800 It's a kids TV show. 658 00:32:37,840 --> 00:32:40,480 He went into a shop and put on a costume and then he'd come out 659 00:32:40,520 --> 00:32:42,400 and go into the world of the costume. 660 00:32:42,440 --> 00:32:44,960 You know like, spaceman, acrobat. It was sick. 661 00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:48,920 With no training? He just started doing these jobs, these dangerous jobs. 662 00:32:48,960 --> 00:32:52,000 Oh, here he is. (LAUGHS) 663 00:32:52,040 --> 00:32:55,520 The man "yule" want to meet... 664 00:32:55,560 --> 00:32:58,080 "Claus" he has the best Christmas Wonderland in town. 665 00:32:58,120 --> 00:33:00,000 Dick Dolphin! 666 00:33:00,040 --> 00:33:01,040 (APPLAUSE) 667 00:33:01,960 --> 00:33:06,720 Please... No applause, no applause... 668 00:33:06,760 --> 00:33:08,520 Hello, Richard. 669 00:33:08,560 --> 00:33:10,160 Ah, Edie... 670 00:33:10,200 --> 00:33:11,720 Edie, Edie, Edie. 671 00:33:11,760 --> 00:33:13,920 How is my favourite OAP? 672 00:33:13,960 --> 00:33:16,280 When was it last? '96, '97? 673 00:33:17,320 --> 00:33:19,920 Time flies when you're building an empire. 674 00:33:19,960 --> 00:33:22,640 And avoiding your taxes. Mmm... 675 00:33:24,120 --> 00:33:27,400 Has she told you... she saved my life, this woman, 676 00:33:27,440 --> 00:33:30,720 with a proscenium arch and a love of fine dialogue. 677 00:33:30,760 --> 00:33:34,200 I've kept it up, you know, Edie. Treading the boards, not just here, 678 00:33:34,240 --> 00:33:36,520 but with an amateur touring group as well. 679 00:33:36,560 --> 00:33:38,440 Lear next year. Oh... 680 00:33:39,720 --> 00:33:43,640 "As flies to wanton boys are we to th' gods: 681 00:33:43,680 --> 00:33:46,480 They kill us for their sport." 682 00:33:46,520 --> 00:33:48,000 Lovely... Lovely. Shit. 683 00:33:48,040 --> 00:33:49,760 Come on. It was good, actually. 684 00:33:49,800 --> 00:33:52,400 It's just a small thing. What d'you mean? Wow, man. 685 00:33:52,440 --> 00:33:55,600 Sorry... Dick Dolphin, entrepreneur and entertainer. 686 00:33:55,640 --> 00:33:59,840 Or the other way around, depending on the day. (LAUGHS) 687 00:33:59,880 --> 00:34:03,320 You, oh, God, he's just such a charmer. 688 00:34:03,360 --> 00:34:06,160 I'll just introduce myself properly. I'm Vincent O'Neill, 689 00:34:06,200 --> 00:34:08,040 this is the gang, that's Tommo. How do. 690 00:34:08,080 --> 00:34:10,480 Course, you know our Edie. Big lad's Ashley.Hello. 691 00:34:10,520 --> 00:34:14,600 Cardi, JJ. And the green angel on the end is our Carol. 692 00:34:14,639 --> 00:34:17,480 Ah... Well, Carol, 693 00:34:17,520 --> 00:34:20,560 that is an appropriate name for this time of year. 694 00:34:22,000 --> 00:34:23,120 So's Dick. 695 00:34:24,679 --> 00:34:29,360 Have you seen it, my wonderland? My... magical kingdom. 696 00:34:29,400 --> 00:34:32,520 We've seen it there a minute ago. You should stick around tonight, 697 00:34:32,560 --> 00:34:34,719 we're doing a thrilling new version of The Snowman, 698 00:34:34,760 --> 00:34:38,960 written by yours truly. (It has a happy ending.) 699 00:34:39,000 --> 00:34:40,960 Be careful, love, you'll put your back out. 700 00:34:41,000 --> 00:34:42,560 A...nd he's back up. 701 00:34:42,600 --> 00:34:45,360 It's a wonderful thing you've created here, Richard. 702 00:34:45,400 --> 00:34:48,760 I can't believe that little boy that I coached 703 00:34:48,800 --> 00:34:52,360 has transformed into the Winter Walt Disney. 704 00:34:52,400 --> 00:34:56,120 Thank you.And we've come to ask a little favour. 705 00:34:57,200 --> 00:34:58,720 Favour? 706 00:34:58,760 --> 00:35:00,720 Greg'll tell you. Yes. 707 00:35:00,760 --> 00:35:03,680 Hoodlums have come and they've trashed The Nativity 708 00:35:03,720 --> 00:35:05,840 at my son's school. 709 00:35:05,880 --> 00:35:08,760 Mm-mm.We're just doing our best to sort of pull together 710 00:35:08,800 --> 00:35:11,920 some sort of a bloody Christmas play type deal. 711 00:35:11,960 --> 00:35:15,080 And of course Edie, having spent so much time with you 712 00:35:15,120 --> 00:35:17,240 and knowing that you have this wonderful place 713 00:35:17,280 --> 00:35:20,200 and how you might be able to help us out with sets, or costumes? 714 00:35:20,240 --> 00:35:22,360 Props. Props of Nativity-based stuff. 715 00:35:22,400 --> 00:35:25,560 Right, right.You know, she said how much they'd all meant to you. 716 00:35:25,600 --> 00:35:28,040 Did she, did she now? 717 00:35:28,080 --> 00:35:30,120 She did. It's a small favour, 718 00:35:30,160 --> 00:35:32,120 with all the wonderful stuff you have here. 719 00:35:32,160 --> 00:35:35,440 You will make a lot of children so happy. 720 00:35:36,440 --> 00:35:38,520 A small favour... 721 00:35:38,560 --> 00:35:41,200 Sometimes everyone needs a favour, don't they? 722 00:35:41,240 --> 00:35:45,640 And if you get one it should always be repaid... 723 00:35:45,680 --> 00:35:47,320 Mm... Exactly. 724 00:35:47,360 --> 00:35:49,040 True. 725 00:35:49,080 --> 00:35:50,600 But... 726 00:35:51,640 --> 00:35:53,160 Edie... 727 00:35:55,400 --> 00:35:58,080 Let's just... 728 00:35:58,120 --> 00:36:01,680 ..travel back through time, shall we?ALL: Oh... 729 00:36:01,720 --> 00:36:06,760 Back to when I were 14 years of age and the BBC, God bless 'em, 730 00:36:06,800 --> 00:36:10,320 they were making a drama in Hawley. Do you remember? 731 00:36:10,360 --> 00:36:14,040 Well, I went to the open auditions, and I got through to the last three 732 00:36:14,080 --> 00:36:17,680 to play Snelly, the son of an unemployed factory worker 733 00:36:17,720 --> 00:36:19,880 who overcame his loneliness 734 00:36:19,920 --> 00:36:22,080 through his friendship with a semi mute tramp. 735 00:36:22,120 --> 00:36:24,720 Yes, I do, I do remember. 736 00:36:24,760 --> 00:36:26,520 Do you? 737 00:36:26,560 --> 00:36:29,240 And do you remember saying you'd take a young Dicky 738 00:36:29,280 --> 00:36:31,880 to the final audition in city centre Manchester? 739 00:36:34,600 --> 00:36:37,880 This was all a long time ago. Yeah. 740 00:36:37,920 --> 00:36:40,800 That was a small favour, wasn't it? 741 00:36:40,840 --> 00:36:46,120 One that could have catapulted young Dicky Dolphin to fame and stardom. 742 00:36:46,160 --> 00:36:49,160 But, alas, ladies and gentlemen, 743 00:36:50,160 --> 00:36:51,560 she didn't show up. 744 00:36:53,200 --> 00:36:54,440 Oh... 745 00:36:54,480 --> 00:36:56,880 Fuck me, he's held on to that one, hasn't he? 746 00:36:58,080 --> 00:37:01,920 I had my reasons... Shit, yeah, err, bad times, 747 00:37:01,960 --> 00:37:05,560 just leave them in the past and focus on't Nativity. 748 00:37:05,600 --> 00:37:06,880 Hey, hey. 749 00:37:06,920 --> 00:37:08,400 Mm... 750 00:37:10,280 --> 00:37:14,000 Despite appearances, I am not Santa Claus. 751 00:37:14,040 --> 00:37:16,600 I can't just give away parts of my wonderland 752 00:37:16,640 --> 00:37:20,400 to the first Tom, Dick, or Greg who walk through the door. 753 00:37:22,040 --> 00:37:23,120 So... 754 00:37:23,160 --> 00:37:25,960 Oh Dick, Dick, fucking Dick! 755 00:37:26,000 --> 00:37:28,840 Please, we just desperately need help. 756 00:37:28,880 --> 00:37:31,320 I understand that we're asking a lot here. 757 00:37:31,360 --> 00:37:33,200 Fuck me, it's Christmas, dude. 758 00:37:33,240 --> 00:37:36,360 And you could make a lot of children very happy, man. 759 00:37:38,440 --> 00:37:40,440 Children? 760 00:37:40,480 --> 00:37:41,760 Happy? 761 00:37:42,840 --> 00:37:46,640 How about you ask her if she's made her own children happy. 762 00:37:46,680 --> 00:37:49,680 How about you ask her why they don't speak to her anymore. 763 00:37:49,720 --> 00:37:51,360 How about that? 764 00:37:54,680 --> 00:37:56,120 It's a NO. 765 00:37:56,160 --> 00:37:57,520 Ho-ho-ho! 766 00:38:00,000 --> 00:38:01,920 You're not fucking clapping for that twat. 767 00:38:01,960 --> 00:38:04,200 (CLEARS THROAT) Can I get anyone eggnog? 768 00:38:04,240 --> 00:38:07,680 You can knob off Blizzard. Take your puns with you, you twat. 769 00:38:07,720 --> 00:38:09,400 Get me out of here. Get her out of here. 770 00:38:09,440 --> 00:38:12,080 I want you and I want fucking you. Come here right now. 771 00:38:12,120 --> 00:38:14,080 You two are fucking recceing this place. 772 00:38:14,120 --> 00:38:18,200 We're gonna rob that penis dolphin dickhead. D'you hear me?Yeah. 773 00:38:27,000 --> 00:38:30,760 VINNIE: Right, fucking listen up now. Edie can't hear any of this. 774 00:38:30,800 --> 00:38:32,400 Go on, JJ. JJ: This... 775 00:38:32,440 --> 00:38:34,560 is the main area of the Wonderlands, OK? 776 00:38:34,600 --> 00:38:38,200 But as we all saw, these doors here, they lead back stage. 777 00:38:38,240 --> 00:38:41,440 So, I clocked the security code as Blizzard put it in. 2512. 778 00:38:41,480 --> 00:38:44,080 Why would you choose that? It's difficult to remember. 779 00:38:44,120 --> 00:38:45,600 It's Christmas Day, Cardi. 780 00:38:45,640 --> 00:38:47,840 We're gonna go in late, and when no-one's looking 781 00:38:47,880 --> 00:38:50,240 we're gonna sneak backstage, like we work there, 782 00:38:50,280 --> 00:38:52,840 head as confident as you like into the costume cupboard 783 00:38:52,880 --> 00:38:55,360 where we're gonna dress up in whatever the fuck we like, alright? 784 00:38:55,400 --> 00:38:58,160 From then on, we're gonna merge back into that bloody party 785 00:38:58,200 --> 00:39:00,160 like we were always part of the fucking show. 786 00:39:00,200 --> 00:39:03,400 Until 10pm. That's when the lights go out and everyone goes home. 787 00:39:03,440 --> 00:39:06,520 Except, WE will be hiding inside the wonderlands. 788 00:39:06,560 --> 00:39:08,760 When the lights go out, take whatever the fuck we want 789 00:39:08,800 --> 00:39:11,040 and we are gonna exit at the exit. 790 00:39:11,080 --> 00:39:13,240 Now I want you watching Edie. Oh, why me? 791 00:39:13,280 --> 00:39:16,840 I want you watching- Because you are sensitive and you're kind. 792 00:39:16,880 --> 00:39:19,600 It's what she needs. Also, she might accidently kill herself. 793 00:39:19,640 --> 00:39:22,000 Just keep your eye on her, alright? Good lad. 794 00:39:22,040 --> 00:39:26,000 It's nothing to do with what Dick Dolphin said, I'm just tired. 795 00:39:26,040 --> 00:39:28,480 Come on, Edie. Open't door for just a second. 796 00:39:28,520 --> 00:39:30,120 No. 797 00:39:30,160 --> 00:39:33,680 Alright, well, listen. I've gotta nip out and do one or two things. 798 00:39:33,720 --> 00:39:35,800 But I've, I've got my friend Cardi here, 799 00:39:35,840 --> 00:39:39,280 who's beautifully house trained just in case... 800 00:39:40,360 --> 00:39:43,360 Where are you going? You're not gonna steal anything? 801 00:39:45,280 --> 00:39:47,680 No, no. 802 00:39:47,720 --> 00:39:48,960 Just... 803 00:39:49,000 --> 00:39:50,440 stuff to sort out. 804 00:39:53,480 --> 00:39:55,960 You alright, you seem a bit down? I'm fine. 805 00:39:56,000 --> 00:39:57,000 Fuck. 806 00:39:59,080 --> 00:40:00,520 (SWITCHES CLICK) 807 00:40:12,120 --> 00:40:14,760 Surprise! I wanna come with you. 808 00:40:14,800 --> 00:40:18,160 No, no, no... no, no. You are not coming with us. 809 00:40:18,200 --> 00:40:20,920 Every fucking time you come on a job you just fuck something up. 810 00:40:20,960 --> 00:40:22,040 Like when? 811 00:40:22,080 --> 00:40:25,480 When have I EVER messed up any of your fucking jobs? 812 00:40:25,520 --> 00:40:27,400 Mind out that prop there, Jim. 813 00:40:27,440 --> 00:40:28,880 No, no, no, no, no, no, no... 814 00:40:28,920 --> 00:40:30,760 (CRUMBLING) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 815 00:40:30,800 --> 00:40:32,800 I mean, fuck me, dickhead! 816 00:40:32,840 --> 00:40:34,840 Practically bomb proof. (SCREAMS) 817 00:40:34,880 --> 00:40:35,880 (GUNFIRE) 818 00:40:35,920 --> 00:40:38,360 Oh fuck, ah! Fucking me you knob head. 819 00:40:41,120 --> 00:40:45,120 Oh, come on, lads, it's the season of goodwill, innit? 820 00:40:45,160 --> 00:40:48,360 The fucking peace and forgiveness and all that bollocks. 821 00:40:48,400 --> 00:40:50,880 Just suck out all the joie de vivre. 822 00:40:50,920 --> 00:40:52,840 You can come on the job. I swear to God, dude, 823 00:40:52,880 --> 00:40:54,440 if you fuck something up, 824 00:40:54,480 --> 00:40:56,720 I'll put the star of Bethlehem up your pee hole. 825 00:40:56,760 --> 00:40:58,000 D'you hear me? 826 00:40:58,040 --> 00:41:00,520 Yeah, alright. Let's fucking go. 827 00:41:00,560 --> 00:41:03,920 Get the fuck in front of us you.. Get out of here. 828 00:41:06,320 --> 00:41:07,320 JJ. 829 00:41:11,040 --> 00:41:14,280 Lovely jumper, you knit it yourself. (LAUGHS) I'm joking. 830 00:41:18,240 --> 00:41:20,040 Oh, God. 831 00:41:21,760 --> 00:41:27,160 I don't know why Santa chose reindeers, they can't even fly. 832 00:41:27,200 --> 00:41:30,160 Produce good milk, though, high in protein. 833 00:41:31,760 --> 00:41:34,920 They're probably why Santa's so fat. 834 00:41:34,960 --> 00:41:38,160 You look like Santa. Except thin and ugly. 835 00:41:39,040 --> 00:41:41,520 You cheeky little cunt. 836 00:41:41,560 --> 00:41:42,680 Naughty list! 837 00:41:42,720 --> 00:41:44,400 (CRIES) Yeah. 838 00:41:44,440 --> 00:41:46,000 Dad... You're getting nowt! 839 00:41:46,040 --> 00:41:47,760 Oh, come on, knobhead! 840 00:41:51,080 --> 00:41:53,880 (BEEPING)Lads, wait for me, fucks sake. 841 00:41:54,760 --> 00:41:57,400 So, it's straight through here to the fucking costumes. 842 00:41:57,440 --> 00:41:59,680 Shite! Elf! ..working bloody hard here. 843 00:41:59,720 --> 00:42:02,560 I've not even been nominated for Elf Of The Month. There's a cupboard! 844 00:42:02,600 --> 00:42:06,280 (SHUSHING) I'm fine, I'm just a bit... 845 00:42:06,320 --> 00:42:09,240 I'm just a bit stressed at the minute. A bit overwhelmed. 846 00:42:09,280 --> 00:42:10,640 Right, job... Shhh.... 847 00:42:10,680 --> 00:42:13,840 This is all well and good, but how we gonna know when he's gone? 848 00:42:13,880 --> 00:42:15,840 Shit. I think we should send Jim out, 849 00:42:15,880 --> 00:42:18,440 because other Jim did not meet him the first time we met him. 850 00:42:18,480 --> 00:42:20,960 Yeah, let the fuck up begin. Be positive! 851 00:42:21,000 --> 00:42:24,320 What I think you should do, right, go in there and pretend 852 00:42:24,360 --> 00:42:26,600 you've got dementia and you've wandered in by accident. 853 00:42:26,640 --> 00:42:29,760 Cos I'm not being funny Jim, but I do think it'll be believable. 854 00:42:29,800 --> 00:42:32,960 More than fucking believable. Hey, hey, you fucking listen to me. 855 00:42:33,000 --> 00:42:35,320 Get out there, distract that elf. Prove yourself. 856 00:42:35,360 --> 00:42:37,560 Yeah, yeah, just leave it to the expert. 857 00:42:38,920 --> 00:42:40,400 Reindeers at five. 858 00:42:40,440 --> 00:42:43,560 Finish at six. Snowglobes tomorrow. 859 00:42:44,520 --> 00:42:46,720 I'll breathe, I'll breathe, I just... 860 00:42:46,760 --> 00:42:48,280 Ho-ho-ho. 861 00:42:49,320 --> 00:42:50,560 Hello..? 862 00:42:50,600 --> 00:42:52,920 Shall I tell you about Elves... 863 00:42:52,960 --> 00:42:55,200 Please do... Father Christmas. 864 00:42:55,240 --> 00:42:58,440 In the past, Elves were said to take away human children, 865 00:42:58,480 --> 00:43:00,000 curse 'em and drive 'em mad. 866 00:43:01,560 --> 00:43:04,480 Oh, can you show me where the nearest bathroom is? 867 00:43:04,520 --> 00:43:07,680 I need to deposit my yule log. Yeah, wai... have we..? 868 00:43:07,720 --> 00:43:10,480 Come on, I'm touching cloth here! Yeah, I... 869 00:43:10,520 --> 00:43:12,040 Fucking hell. Have I known you? 870 00:43:13,960 --> 00:43:16,760 Let's go.Sick. Come on, let's get the costumes on. 871 00:43:20,600 --> 00:43:24,160 (DOOR OPENS) Sick! Fantastic. We've gotta be as quick as we can. 872 00:43:24,200 --> 00:43:26,960 Find something that fits, put it on, let's get back to the show. 873 00:43:27,000 --> 00:43:30,520 Right, can I just say, though, I will not be a fucking elf. 874 00:43:30,560 --> 00:43:32,280 (HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) 875 00:44:03,960 --> 00:44:06,400 Everything OK, can you manage? 876 00:44:06,440 --> 00:44:07,640 I'm fine. 877 00:44:10,760 --> 00:44:12,520 Here, let me, I can... No. 878 00:44:14,320 --> 00:44:17,280 So, what's your deal then? 879 00:44:19,080 --> 00:44:20,680 How d'you mean? 880 00:44:21,920 --> 00:44:24,920 Do they often leave you behind? 881 00:44:24,960 --> 00:44:26,200 No. 882 00:44:26,240 --> 00:44:29,480 No, no, I'm actually an integrated... 883 00:44:29,520 --> 00:44:34,200 not integrated... important... 884 00:44:34,240 --> 00:44:36,800 ..p-part of, of t-the team. 885 00:44:38,440 --> 00:44:40,280 You have a kind face. 886 00:44:42,200 --> 00:44:44,760 You remind me of one of my sons. 887 00:44:44,800 --> 00:44:46,480 Right. 888 00:44:46,520 --> 00:44:48,280 W-w-which one? 889 00:44:48,320 --> 00:44:50,040 The fat one, Carl. 890 00:44:51,000 --> 00:44:54,680 Oh, I can see him now, he'd be standing there. 891 00:44:54,720 --> 00:44:58,160 He'd say, "Mum, let's have a dance." (CHUCKLES) 892 00:44:59,040 --> 00:45:03,200 He'd put a record on - Neil Diamond, or Elkie Brooks, 893 00:45:03,240 --> 00:45:05,480 and he liked the 70's for some reason. 894 00:45:05,520 --> 00:45:07,760 And then he'd want us to... 895 00:45:07,800 --> 00:45:11,920 just float around like Fred and Ginger. 896 00:45:11,960 --> 00:45:15,360 That, that must have been nice. 897 00:45:15,400 --> 00:45:17,600 Yes. 898 00:45:17,640 --> 00:45:19,000 Yes it was. 899 00:45:20,400 --> 00:45:23,360 I bet they r-really love you. 900 00:45:33,480 --> 00:45:34,960 (CUTLERY CLINKS) 901 00:45:36,200 --> 00:45:38,840 I can dance with you, if you like? 902 00:45:40,600 --> 00:45:42,200 I mean, 903 00:45:42,240 --> 00:45:45,840 I got two left feet and-and well, you've got a foot cast on, 904 00:45:45,880 --> 00:45:48,600 but w-we can try. 905 00:45:52,120 --> 00:45:55,160 # ELKIE BROOKS: Don't Cry Out Loud # I know a lots about her 906 00:45:55,200 --> 00:45:57,120 # 'cause you see 907 00:45:58,680 --> 00:46:03,200 # Baby is an awful lot like me 908 00:46:04,560 --> 00:46:09,800 # We don't cry out loud, 909 00:46:09,840 --> 00:46:13,120 # we keep it inside 910 00:46:13,160 --> 00:46:17,040 # Learn how to hide our feelings, 911 00:46:17,080 --> 00:46:22,040 # fly high and proud 912 00:46:22,080 --> 00:46:25,040 # And if you should fall... (SOBS) 913 00:46:25,080 --> 00:46:29,600 # remember you almost had it all... 914 00:46:31,480 --> 00:46:33,040 Edie, 915 00:46:33,080 --> 00:46:35,200 are you- are you OK? I'm fine. 916 00:46:35,240 --> 00:46:36,840 You're, you're crying. 917 00:46:36,880 --> 00:46:38,920 I said I'm fine, for God's sake. 918 00:46:40,560 --> 00:46:43,680 I just want, I want you to go now. Err, was it the song..? 919 00:46:43,720 --> 00:46:46,600 Oh, I'm sorry. No, no, I'm, I'm... 920 00:46:46,640 --> 00:46:48,760 I'm tired. And I just want to be alone. 921 00:46:49,800 --> 00:46:51,960 I-I-I can't, I promised Vinnie. 922 00:46:52,000 --> 00:46:54,440 This is my house and I want to be alone. 923 00:46:54,480 --> 00:46:56,800 I'm a grown woman and if I say I want to be alone, 924 00:46:56,840 --> 00:46:58,720 I should be allowed be alone! 925 00:47:00,320 --> 00:47:02,160 Yeah, sure, 926 00:47:02,200 --> 00:47:04,800 I'm s-s-sorry. 927 00:47:06,960 --> 00:47:08,880 # "JINGLE BELLS" PLAYS 928 00:47:11,800 --> 00:47:15,040 (CHILDREN LAUGH) # Jingle Bells, jingle bells... 929 00:47:15,080 --> 00:47:17,240 Tommo, come here, come here. 930 00:47:17,280 --> 00:47:20,560 Right come here, come on. Now listen to me now. 931 00:47:20,600 --> 00:47:22,440 You find yourself an hiding place. 932 00:47:22,480 --> 00:47:25,200 When I give the signal, you know, just disappear 933 00:47:25,240 --> 00:47:26,760 while they shut the place down. 934 00:47:26,800 --> 00:47:29,280 And keep a fucking low profile. Don't let me down. 935 00:47:29,320 --> 00:47:30,760 Especially you. What? 936 00:47:30,800 --> 00:47:33,920 Just fuck off and get your stupid fucking Santa outfit on. 937 00:47:35,920 --> 00:47:38,520 Oi! The hell have you been? What? 938 00:47:38,560 --> 00:47:40,120 You're from the agency? Yes. 939 00:47:40,160 --> 00:47:41,960 You're on stage in two minutes. 940 00:47:42,000 --> 00:47:44,600 And try not to slip on your own baby oil like the last idiot. 941 00:47:44,640 --> 00:47:47,160 What?! But I... hang on. Hang on. Hang on. 942 00:47:47,200 --> 00:47:50,360 (CHILDREN CHEER) Ten thousand curses. 943 00:47:50,400 --> 00:47:51,880 (EVIL LAUGHTER) 944 00:47:51,920 --> 00:47:55,160 Your foolish chatter has sealed your doom... 945 00:47:55,200 --> 00:47:56,800 (AUDIENCE BOOS) 946 00:47:56,840 --> 00:48:00,400 Found him.Jesus Christ, Aladdin's padding like fucking mad out there! 947 00:48:00,440 --> 00:48:02,640 He's about to rub the fucking lamp, come on.No... 948 00:48:02,680 --> 00:48:03,680 Come on. 949 00:48:04,760 --> 00:48:06,080 (SMOKE HISSES) 950 00:48:06,120 --> 00:48:07,440 C'mon, get up there! 951 00:48:07,480 --> 00:48:08,960 (THUNDER RUMBLES) 952 00:48:15,520 --> 00:48:19,880 Who dares disturb, err, 953 00:48:19,920 --> 00:48:21,400 my slumber... (KIDS LAUGH) 954 00:48:21,440 --> 00:48:23,160 Gosh, who are you? 955 00:48:24,400 --> 00:48:27,840 I am the Genie, the most awe-inspiring, 956 00:48:27,880 --> 00:48:29,720 ground-shaking, 957 00:48:29,760 --> 00:48:33,800 the best Genie you've ever known about. Here, give me that mic. 958 00:48:33,840 --> 00:48:37,280 It's important to note that you don't have to think 959 00:48:37,320 --> 00:48:38,920 that it's selfish... 960 00:48:38,960 --> 00:48:40,720 Just to be wishing for things. 961 00:48:40,760 --> 00:48:42,640 It gives me a sense of purpose... Shit. 962 00:48:42,680 --> 00:48:45,680 ..and self-respect. I thought you said low profile? 963 00:48:45,720 --> 00:48:47,600 I fucking did.That's important, isn't it, kids, respect? 964 00:48:47,640 --> 00:48:49,160 KIDS: Yeah! 965 00:48:49,200 --> 00:48:51,800 Yeah. Oh, no, it isn't. ALL: Oh, yes, it is! 966 00:48:51,840 --> 00:48:54,760 Oh, no, it isn't. ALL: Oh, yes, it is! 967 00:48:54,800 --> 00:48:56,560 How does that sound to you, Aladdin? 968 00:48:56,600 --> 00:49:01,360 I hate Pantomimes, they've been ruined now by lefty snowflakes. 969 00:49:01,400 --> 00:49:04,000 You can't have ugly sisters anymore, 970 00:49:04,040 --> 00:49:06,440 Snow White has to be fucking green! 971 00:49:06,480 --> 00:49:10,280 It used to be an harmless bit of fun: slapping dwarves 972 00:49:10,320 --> 00:49:15,280 and lifting up Cinderella's skirt to reveal enormous knickers. 973 00:49:15,320 --> 00:49:17,840 It's just a terrible loss, innit? Yeah. 974 00:49:17,880 --> 00:49:20,160 You know what? DJ fucking run that shit 975 00:49:20,200 --> 00:49:22,880 and we'll pop the roof off this bitch. Let's go. 976 00:49:22,920 --> 00:49:24,480 For the love of Christ. 977 00:49:24,520 --> 00:49:27,800 (BEAT STARTS)Yeah. Oh my God, that's perfect, let's go. 978 00:49:27,840 --> 00:49:29,000 Sit yourself down. 979 00:49:29,040 --> 00:49:31,880 (RAPPING) # You made me grow big when you rubbed my lamp on 980 00:49:31,920 --> 00:49:34,320 # Didn't mean it like that, kids, that came out wrong 981 00:49:34,360 --> 00:49:37,040 # It's inappropriate, that, yeah, I'm sorry, OK? 982 00:49:37,080 --> 00:49:39,800 # Let me do a Genie rap now to brighten up your day 983 00:49:39,840 --> 00:49:42,520 # See I'm a mystical man, with a heart full of gold 984 00:49:42,560 --> 00:49:45,160 # Tell me who you are lad, a good lad, or bold 985 00:49:45,200 --> 00:49:47,760 I'm... # Aladdin the bind, or Aladdin the pick up, 986 00:49:47,800 --> 00:49:50,440 # Aladdin better watch it, cos the Genie can be fickle 987 00:49:50,480 --> 00:49:53,320 # I've been stuck up in the lamp, I've been cramped up like this 988 00:49:53,360 --> 00:49:55,920 # Not a corner to chill, not a pot to piss in 989 00:49:55,960 --> 00:49:58,720 # Been wishin', my mission's been to grow and break free 990 00:49:58,760 --> 00:50:01,680 # I'll give you what you want with these wishes three 991 00:50:01,720 --> 00:50:04,280 # I know it's hard to ignore a lot, my lyrics flow 992 00:50:04,320 --> 00:50:07,000 # Not to impose but your father's hot, second row 993 00:50:07,040 --> 00:50:09,680 # These other Genies they can't sing, they've no flow 994 00:50:09,720 --> 00:50:11,440 # It's like they're broke in a strip club 995 00:50:11,480 --> 00:50:15,360 # They've no notes, I'll say Genie, if you say rap, Genie... 996 00:50:15,400 --> 00:50:16,640 ALL: Rap! # Genie 997 00:50:16,680 --> 00:50:18,720 ALL: Rap! # Listen I say Genie, 998 00:50:18,760 --> 00:50:21,440 # kids, if you say "rope"? Genie ALL: Rope. 999 00:50:21,480 --> 00:50:23,440 # Genie ALL: Rope. 1000 00:50:23,480 --> 00:50:25,520 ALL: Whooo! 1001 00:50:27,320 --> 00:50:29,120 Oh... 1002 00:50:29,160 --> 00:50:31,560 (WHOOPING) (APPLAUSE) 1003 00:50:31,600 --> 00:50:33,080 Ha, ha, ha, ha... 1004 00:50:33,120 --> 00:50:35,640 That was brilliant. He's reasonable. 1005 00:50:35,680 --> 00:50:38,080 Thank you so much. Good job. Get the fuck out. 1006 00:50:38,120 --> 00:50:40,120 KID: Woo! Come on, Ireland! 1007 00:50:40,160 --> 00:50:41,440 Get off! 1008 00:50:43,000 --> 00:50:44,600 (PANTING) 1009 00:50:47,840 --> 00:50:49,840 # JONI MITCHELL: "Both Sides Now" 1010 00:51:03,600 --> 00:51:08,880 # Rows and flows of angel hair 1011 00:51:11,320 --> 00:51:15,680 # And ice cream castles in the air 1012 00:51:17,520 --> 00:51:21,120 # And feather canyons everywhere 1013 00:51:24,400 --> 00:51:26,880 # Looked at clouds that way 1014 00:51:30,440 --> 00:51:34,240 # But now they only block the sun 1015 00:51:37,040 --> 00:51:40,880 # They rain and they snow on everyone 1016 00:51:43,040 --> 00:51:47,920 # So many things I would have done 1017 00:51:49,800 --> 00:51:52,520 # But clouds got in my way 1018 00:51:55,680 --> 00:52:00,880 # I've looked at clouds from both sides now 1019 00:52:02,360 --> 00:52:04,200 # From up and down... 1020 00:52:05,200 --> 00:52:06,480 Thank you... 1021 00:52:08,400 --> 00:52:12,040 Alright, Cardi, are you alone, sweetheart?Yeah. 1022 00:52:12,080 --> 00:52:14,600 Oh, careful! 1023 00:52:15,800 --> 00:52:17,120 (SIGHS) Where's the others? 1024 00:52:17,160 --> 00:52:19,360 They're on a job but I were left to... 1025 00:52:19,400 --> 00:52:22,560 give, err, given a different... role. 1026 00:52:23,880 --> 00:52:27,200 Oh well, my husband used to say, you're never alone with a pint. 1027 00:52:27,240 --> 00:52:30,400 (LAUGHS)Mind you, he was a functioning alcoholic. 1028 00:52:30,440 --> 00:52:33,600 That wreaked havoc with his libido. That's why I took a lover. 1029 00:52:37,840 --> 00:52:38,840 Another? 1030 00:52:38,880 --> 00:52:42,000 Err, yes... b-b... Why not? 1031 00:52:42,040 --> 00:52:43,320 Why not? 1032 00:52:47,920 --> 00:52:50,560 (SWITCHES CLICK) (HORSE NEIGHS) 1033 00:52:50,600 --> 00:52:52,560 # "CAROL OF THE BELLS" PLAYS 1034 00:53:04,440 --> 00:53:06,440 # "CAROL OF THE BELLS" PLAYS ON RADIO 1035 00:53:24,120 --> 00:53:26,600 Jim, I was class back there, you should have seen me. 1036 00:53:26,640 --> 00:53:28,640 Oh, no, you wasn't! Oh, yes, I was! 1037 00:53:33,400 --> 00:53:35,480 Oh, Rottweiler, 1038 00:53:35,520 --> 00:53:38,080 you can get a nasty bite from them cunts. 1039 00:53:38,120 --> 00:53:41,240 But lucky for you, I can train a vicious dog in seconds. 1040 00:53:41,280 --> 00:53:42,880 How do you plan to do that? 1041 00:53:42,920 --> 00:53:45,360 Nosey. Shot. The crow. 1042 00:53:45,400 --> 00:53:48,120 Well, I'll take the man, if you take the mutt.OK. 1043 00:53:49,560 --> 00:53:51,200 # NICK DRAKE: Day Is Done 1044 00:53:51,240 --> 00:53:54,120 # When the day is done 1045 00:53:58,040 --> 00:54:02,160 # Hope so much your race will be all run 1046 00:54:05,320 --> 00:54:08,760 # Then you find you jumped the gun 1047 00:54:11,560 --> 00:54:15,960 # Have to go back where you began 1048 00:54:19,000 --> 00:54:21,760 # When the day is done 1049 00:54:21,800 --> 00:54:25,040 # When the night is cold 1050 00:54:28,720 --> 00:54:30,760 # Some get by... 1051 00:54:30,800 --> 00:54:32,240 (MUSIC STOPS) 1052 00:54:34,240 --> 00:54:35,240 (EXHALES) 1053 00:54:40,120 --> 00:54:41,240 No! 1054 00:54:41,280 --> 00:54:42,720 (GRUNTS) 1055 00:54:48,600 --> 00:54:50,120 (MOBILE RINGS) 1056 00:54:51,640 --> 00:54:53,000 (GRUNTS) 1057 00:55:00,720 --> 00:55:01,720 (MOBILE BEEPS) 1058 00:55:03,640 --> 00:55:04,640 (WHIMPERS) 1059 00:55:13,720 --> 00:55:16,520 VOICEMAIL: Please leave your message after the tone. (BEEP) 1060 00:55:16,560 --> 00:55:18,960 Hi Edie, err, it's Cardi. 1061 00:55:19,000 --> 00:55:22,000 I just wanted to see if you were alright. 1062 00:55:22,040 --> 00:55:25,440 I'm in the pub, I thought maybe, if you wanted me to come 1063 00:55:25,480 --> 00:55:28,280 and get you, you could come for a drink. 1064 00:55:28,320 --> 00:55:30,240 Err, anyway... 1065 00:55:30,280 --> 00:55:33,360 Alright, love you, bye. I don't love you, I don't... 1066 00:55:33,400 --> 00:55:36,520 I don't not love you, but... 1067 00:55:36,560 --> 00:55:38,200 Ah, just call- call me back. 1068 00:55:38,240 --> 00:55:41,840 Oh fuck that. Telling a fucking old woman I love her. 1069 00:55:41,880 --> 00:55:44,000 Already done that once, I got married. 1070 00:55:44,040 --> 00:55:45,240 (HORN HONKS) 1071 00:55:50,280 --> 00:55:52,120 (MOBILE VIBRATES) Fucking hell. 1072 00:55:53,760 --> 00:55:56,560 What's going on?The last of the staff come through now. 1073 00:55:56,600 --> 00:55:59,000 They're all gone. There's no sign of Dick Dolphin. 1074 00:55:59,040 --> 00:56:02,080 Alright, now listen to me, you go and sort the security guard out 1075 00:56:02,120 --> 00:56:04,040 and I'm gonna go find this Flipper cunt. 1076 00:56:04,080 --> 00:56:05,200 We're on. 1077 00:56:19,520 --> 00:56:21,040 (DOG BARKS QUIETLY) 1078 00:56:21,080 --> 00:56:22,080 Quiet. 1079 00:56:24,240 --> 00:56:26,240 What the fuck..? 1080 00:56:40,560 --> 00:56:41,560 Come on. 1081 00:56:46,840 --> 00:56:49,200 (MUFFLED SCREAM) Got you. 1082 00:56:50,320 --> 00:56:51,640 (DOG BARKS) 1083 00:56:53,920 --> 00:56:55,320 Sit. 1084 00:56:56,480 --> 00:56:57,720 Down. 1085 00:56:59,240 --> 00:57:00,600 Good boy. 1086 00:57:02,640 --> 00:57:04,160 Can you make him roll over? 1087 00:57:04,200 --> 00:57:06,360 I can make it fucking knit if you want. 1088 00:57:06,400 --> 00:57:08,120 (LAUGHS) Stay! 1089 00:57:08,160 --> 00:57:09,320 Come on. 1090 00:57:09,360 --> 00:57:12,000 (LAUGHS) Dog! (DOORBELL RINGS) 1091 00:57:13,240 --> 00:57:14,800 Edie..? 1092 00:57:14,840 --> 00:57:16,040 (KNOCKS) 1093 00:57:20,160 --> 00:57:21,480 Edie..? 1094 00:57:22,600 --> 00:57:24,560 (GASPS) Ah! 1095 00:57:24,600 --> 00:57:26,680 Ah, help... 1096 00:57:27,880 --> 00:57:28,880 Help... 1097 00:57:31,160 --> 00:57:34,520 # TCHAIKOVSKY'S "DANCE OF THE SUGAR PLUM FAIRY" 1098 00:57:41,880 --> 00:57:45,320 DICK: You've terrorised this town for long enough..." 1099 00:57:45,360 --> 00:57:49,560 And he goes, "Oh, but Mr Dolphin, who's gonna stop me?" 1100 00:57:49,600 --> 00:57:52,360 I'm the strong and unbeatable. 1101 00:57:52,400 --> 00:57:53,800 Before he can finish... 1102 00:57:53,840 --> 00:57:56,480 Dirty Dick does a flying kick through the air. 1103 00:57:56,520 --> 00:57:58,800 THUMP! Grinch on the floor. (MOBILE RINGS) 1104 00:57:58,840 --> 00:58:00,880 Oh, fucking God. 1105 00:58:07,840 --> 00:58:09,080 What the..? 1106 00:58:17,600 --> 00:58:18,800 (SCREAMS) 1107 00:58:18,840 --> 00:58:20,240 What the..? 1108 00:58:20,280 --> 00:58:21,280 (SCREAMS) 1109 00:58:22,680 --> 00:58:24,000 Well, get him! 1110 00:58:24,040 --> 00:58:27,040 # CYNDI LAUPER AND THE HIVES: "A Christmas Duel" 1111 00:58:27,080 --> 00:58:28,480 (MEN SHOUT) 1112 00:58:28,520 --> 00:58:31,080 # And went down on your Mother 1113 00:58:31,120 --> 00:58:34,960 # I set your record collection on fire 1114 00:58:35,000 --> 00:58:37,760 # And said I never knew 1115 00:58:37,800 --> 00:58:41,080 # Felt kind of bad about that 1116 00:58:41,120 --> 00:58:44,120 # And I know you did too 1117 00:58:45,440 --> 00:58:49,160 # So whatever you say It's all fine by me 1118 00:58:49,200 --> 00:58:52,200 # Who the fuck anyway wants a Christmas tree 1119 00:58:52,240 --> 00:58:54,880 # Cause the snow keeps on fallin'... (MUSIC STOPS) 1120 00:58:54,920 --> 00:58:55,920 (THUD) 1121 00:58:56,840 --> 00:59:01,160 # So whatever you say, it's all fine by me 1122 00:59:01,200 --> 00:59:05,440 # Who the fuck anyway wants a Christmas tree 1123 00:59:05,480 --> 00:59:08,280 # Cause the snow keeps on fallin'... 1124 00:59:09,400 --> 00:59:11,640 (VINNIE GRUNTS) # Even though we were bad... 1125 00:59:11,680 --> 00:59:13,200 (DOORBELL RINGS) (KNOCKS) 1126 00:59:15,680 --> 00:59:19,120 Edie, it, it's me, Cardi... 1127 00:59:19,160 --> 00:59:21,320 Listen, I know, I know you said leave, 1128 00:59:21,360 --> 00:59:23,600 but I had this strange feeling, and... 1129 00:59:23,640 --> 00:59:26,040 EDIE: Help! Edie... Oh fuck. 1130 00:59:35,680 --> 00:59:37,760 Edie..? In the loft. 1131 00:59:38,920 --> 00:59:41,480 Edie? Edie? 1132 00:59:44,280 --> 00:59:45,640 Help! Shit. 1133 00:59:45,680 --> 00:59:49,200 Alright, wait, hold on, I'm coming up. I'm coming up. 1134 00:59:49,240 --> 00:59:51,240 Hold on, hold on. 1135 00:59:51,280 --> 00:59:53,760 Edie, fuck. Are you- are you OK? 1136 00:59:53,800 --> 00:59:57,040 I think- I think I've broke my arm. Which one? Which one? 1137 00:59:57,080 --> 00:59:59,480 It's not the one that's already broken, you idiot. 1138 00:59:59,520 --> 01:00:01,960 Yeah, no, good point. Shit, right, hospital. 1139 01:00:02,000 --> 01:00:03,440 Let's get you out. 1140 01:00:03,480 --> 01:00:06,520 Oh, careful, no careful, careful, careful.(GRUNTS) 1141 01:00:06,560 --> 01:00:08,560 (FESTIVE ROCK MUSIC) 1142 01:00:08,600 --> 01:00:11,680 Right, you lot, grab the fucking stuff and let's go! 1143 01:00:47,880 --> 01:00:49,480 (MOBILE RINGS) 1144 01:00:49,520 --> 01:00:50,920 Fucking hell. 1145 01:00:50,960 --> 01:00:52,800 Hello? Cardi! 1146 01:00:52,840 --> 01:00:54,440 What's going on, lad?! 1147 01:00:54,480 --> 01:00:57,360 You fucking what? Jim, go, go, go! 1148 01:00:57,400 --> 01:00:58,400 (EXCLAIMS) 1149 01:01:02,520 --> 01:01:05,240 Cardi, fucking hell! What's happened? Where is she? 1150 01:01:05,280 --> 01:01:07,560 It's just some scratches, man. I'm so sorry, Vin. 1151 01:01:07,600 --> 01:01:10,360 No, no. Listen, listen, dude, it's my fault. 1152 01:01:10,400 --> 01:01:12,800 It's my fault. What was she doing in the bloody loft. 1153 01:01:12,840 --> 01:01:14,560 She was looking at fucking photo albums. 1154 01:01:14,600 --> 01:01:16,440 They were all over the floor. Lord God. 1155 01:01:16,480 --> 01:01:18,440 I think it was her husband and kids, or summat. 1156 01:01:18,480 --> 01:01:20,320 Are you alright? Yeah, fine. I'm fine. 1157 01:01:20,360 --> 01:01:22,280 Well, which way is she? Sorry, in there. 1158 01:01:22,320 --> 01:01:24,840 Alright. I love you, dude. Yeah, you too, man. Love you too. 1159 01:01:24,880 --> 01:01:26,240 Don't be sad. 1160 01:01:30,600 --> 01:01:32,760 (DOOR OPENS) Here she is! 1161 01:01:32,800 --> 01:01:34,160 (LAUGHS) 1162 01:01:34,200 --> 01:01:37,000 You look fucking well, eh? 1163 01:01:37,040 --> 01:01:39,600 Can't leave you alone for five shagging minutes 1164 01:01:39,640 --> 01:01:42,280 without you falling through a bloody ceiling... 1165 01:01:42,320 --> 01:01:44,680 I know where you've been, 1166 01:01:44,720 --> 01:01:46,760 your friend told me. 1167 01:01:47,720 --> 01:01:49,280 Was it a success? 1168 01:01:50,320 --> 01:01:52,280 Yeah it was, yeah. We've done really well. 1169 01:01:52,320 --> 01:01:53,800 Good, he deserves it. 1170 01:01:55,920 --> 01:01:58,760 I hope your child's show is a triumph. 1171 01:01:58,800 --> 01:02:00,640 Hm, should be. 1172 01:02:02,440 --> 01:02:04,720 So Cardi told me 1173 01:02:04,760 --> 01:02:08,240 that you went into the loft, looking for photographs. 1174 01:02:09,040 --> 01:02:13,040 All that shit Dick said about you and your children... 1175 01:02:13,080 --> 01:02:15,120 It's just nonsense. 1176 01:02:15,160 --> 01:02:16,680 He's right. 1177 01:02:16,720 --> 01:02:18,760 I was a bad mother. 1178 01:02:18,800 --> 01:02:20,960 No, I can't see it. 1179 01:02:21,000 --> 01:02:22,680 I was! 1180 01:02:22,720 --> 01:02:25,360 Not always. Not when they were little, 1181 01:02:25,400 --> 01:02:27,200 but later. 1182 01:02:27,240 --> 01:02:28,320 Why? 1183 01:02:29,320 --> 01:02:31,960 What did I tell you, about the magpie and the vomit. 1184 01:02:32,000 --> 01:02:33,960 Mm... 1185 01:02:34,000 --> 01:02:38,960 Fred had always had affairs. I knew about some, suspected others. 1186 01:02:39,000 --> 01:02:43,320 But then I found out about... 1187 01:02:45,880 --> 01:02:48,840 ..Maggie, my best friend. 1188 01:02:51,080 --> 01:02:54,640 And that was the day of Dick's audition. 1189 01:02:57,440 --> 01:03:00,720 It had been going on for over a year. 1190 01:03:00,760 --> 01:03:03,960 And something inside just snapped. 1191 01:03:04,000 --> 01:03:07,960 I could literally feel my heart breaking... 1192 01:03:15,000 --> 01:03:16,320 And... 1193 01:03:16,360 --> 01:03:19,680 I wanted the kids to hate him as much as I hated him. 1194 01:03:19,720 --> 01:03:22,440 And when they didn't, that just made me worse... 1195 01:03:22,480 --> 01:03:24,040 Oh... 1196 01:03:25,760 --> 01:03:27,040 Your friend, 1197 01:03:29,600 --> 01:03:30,760 he danced with me, 1198 01:03:32,400 --> 01:03:34,440 like my boy used to dance... 1199 01:03:36,440 --> 01:03:37,720 Oh, 1200 01:03:37,760 --> 01:03:39,760 what I'd give to dance with him now. 1201 01:03:40,920 --> 01:03:43,040 To have my boys by my side... 1202 01:03:46,840 --> 01:03:48,920 Well, it's not too late, is it? 1203 01:03:48,960 --> 01:03:51,720 No matter what's gone on, no matter what's happened, 1204 01:03:51,760 --> 01:03:54,280 you are their mother, they'll still want you. 1205 01:03:55,480 --> 01:03:57,120 Too much has been said. 1206 01:03:59,520 --> 01:04:02,880 A wise old woman once said to me, 1207 01:04:04,240 --> 01:04:06,720 don't let pride get in the way. 1208 01:04:09,560 --> 01:04:10,920 Oh, 1209 01:04:11,840 --> 01:04:13,800 I was a good person once, Greg. 1210 01:04:15,440 --> 01:04:17,480 I always told my pupils that, 1211 01:04:17,520 --> 01:04:20,080 even though they were growing up without money, 1212 01:04:20,120 --> 01:04:23,680 or the chances that others had, they could still do great things. 1213 01:04:24,880 --> 01:04:27,640 (SIGHS) They were my happiest days... 1214 01:04:31,720 --> 01:04:32,760 (SIGHS) 1215 01:04:38,800 --> 01:04:41,600 I feel really hot for a snowman. 1216 01:04:41,640 --> 01:04:42,880 (CHUCKLES) 1217 01:04:42,920 --> 01:04:44,640 Ah... Too sore? 1218 01:04:44,680 --> 01:04:45,880 Little bit. 1219 01:04:45,920 --> 01:04:49,520 ERIN: I think we need to start putting the haystacks on the stage. 1220 01:04:49,560 --> 01:04:51,880 Actually, Ash, will you put... Here he is. 1221 01:04:53,040 --> 01:04:54,640 Erin?! Yes, yes. 1222 01:04:54,680 --> 01:04:56,520 Mrs whatsherbollocks... Weatherall. 1223 01:04:56,560 --> 01:04:59,080 Weatherall. She happy with all this? Yeah, she's really happy. 1224 01:04:59,120 --> 01:05:00,360 Come here to me. What? 1225 01:05:00,400 --> 01:05:01,880 Wait till you see, ha... 1226 01:05:01,920 --> 01:05:04,080 Wait till you see the fucking director I've got us. 1227 01:05:04,120 --> 01:05:07,760 Who've you got?You'll never guess, but she's a very special lady. 1228 01:05:09,240 --> 01:05:13,200 Now what I want you to do, I want you to... 1229 01:05:13,240 --> 01:05:15,800 run to that wall and run back! Run to that wall and run back. 1230 01:05:15,840 --> 01:05:18,400 And run back to me. Put your hands up in the air. 1231 01:05:18,440 --> 01:05:21,120 And put them down. And run back to the wall again. 1232 01:05:21,160 --> 01:05:23,960 Run back to the wall again. Very good.(LAUGHING) 1233 01:05:24,000 --> 01:05:25,520 I fucking love her. 1234 01:05:25,560 --> 01:05:28,360 It doesn't matter if you're playing a shepherd, a sheep... 1235 01:05:28,400 --> 01:05:32,880 What part you're playing you are all absolutely vital. 1236 01:05:33,640 --> 01:05:34,920 Aw... Bless her. 1237 01:05:34,960 --> 01:05:36,960 ALL: We're doing The Nativity! 1238 01:05:37,000 --> 01:05:38,320 That's it. 1239 01:05:41,520 --> 01:05:46,080 (KIDS SING) # Let men their songs employ... 1240 01:05:46,120 --> 01:05:50,680 # While fields and floods, rocks, hills and plains. 1241 01:05:50,720 --> 01:05:54,280 # Repeat the sounding joy, Repeat the sounding joy... 1242 01:05:54,320 --> 01:05:56,000 One time, one time. 1243 01:05:56,040 --> 01:06:00,120 # Repeat, repeat the sounding joy. 1244 01:06:00,160 --> 01:06:02,360 # Joy to the world 1245 01:06:02,400 --> 01:06:04,480 # Joy to the world 1246 01:06:04,520 --> 01:06:08,320 # Joy to the world... # 1247 01:06:09,680 --> 01:06:12,560 (CHEERING) Yeah!Wow. 1248 01:06:14,640 --> 01:06:18,560 Oh, children, that was spectacular, wasn't it, ladies and gentlemen? 1249 01:06:18,600 --> 01:06:20,040 Very good. Yes, very good. 1250 01:06:20,080 --> 01:06:21,920 Truly wonderful. 1251 01:06:21,960 --> 01:06:25,600 And I would like to say a heartfelt thank you 1252 01:06:25,640 --> 01:06:29,160 to a special person who has helped us achieve so much 1253 01:06:29,200 --> 01:06:30,680 in so little time. 1254 01:06:30,720 --> 01:06:32,960 Please, welcome to the stage, 1255 01:06:33,000 --> 01:06:37,520 an amazing theatre director and an inspiration to many, 1256 01:06:37,560 --> 01:06:38,760 many children, 1257 01:06:38,800 --> 01:06:40,640 Miss Edie Barnes! 1258 01:06:40,680 --> 01:06:43,160 Come on, let's have you. Come on. Go on Edie! 1259 01:06:45,280 --> 01:06:47,840 Edie now! Edie now! 1260 01:06:47,880 --> 01:06:50,360 Edie now! A few words, Miss Barnes. 1261 01:06:50,400 --> 01:06:52,440 Erm... 1262 01:06:52,480 --> 01:06:54,720 I just want to say... 1263 01:06:54,760 --> 01:06:58,280 ..if you think about the story you've just watched, 1264 01:06:58,320 --> 01:07:01,120 it's all about the kindness of strangers. 1265 01:07:02,040 --> 01:07:03,880 And... 1266 01:07:03,920 --> 01:07:08,040 And I know first hand the difference that can make. 1267 01:07:09,560 --> 01:07:11,600 And for all these children 1268 01:07:11,640 --> 01:07:15,160 who had their hard work undone by thugs, 1269 01:07:15,200 --> 01:07:19,400 I hope the kindness of strangers has helped them too, because... 1270 01:07:19,440 --> 01:07:22,520 this world up here - 1271 01:07:22,560 --> 01:07:26,320 this magical place, the stage - 1272 01:07:26,360 --> 01:07:30,320 and the imagination it opens up in us, 1273 01:07:30,360 --> 01:07:34,520 can be an escape from the toughest parts 1274 01:07:34,560 --> 01:07:36,640 of our real lives. 1275 01:07:36,680 --> 01:07:41,040 And I'm very grateful to have had another chance to be a part of that. 1276 01:07:42,400 --> 01:07:45,840 And I'd like to thank this man here 1277 01:07:47,160 --> 01:07:51,400 and all these wonderful children. 1278 01:07:53,120 --> 01:07:54,560 (APPLAUSE) 1279 01:07:58,120 --> 01:08:00,360 One final surprise. 1280 01:08:00,400 --> 01:08:04,080 An ex pupil of yours, Ian Brillington... 1281 01:08:04,120 --> 01:08:05,240 You're fucking joking. 1282 01:08:05,280 --> 01:08:08,200 ..from Britain's Got Talent, would like to sing in your honour. 1283 01:08:08,240 --> 01:08:09,960 Oh... (DOOR OPENS) 1284 01:08:10,000 --> 01:08:12,320 It is... It's him am' all! (LAUGHS) 1285 01:08:12,360 --> 01:08:15,160 Fucking hell. He's got the same fucking jacket on. 1286 01:08:16,840 --> 01:08:18,760 Miss Barnes, 1287 01:08:18,800 --> 01:08:21,319 you inspired me... 1288 01:08:22,680 --> 01:08:25,720 ..and so many others... Everyone... 1289 01:08:25,760 --> 01:08:27,520 (EDIE GRUNTS) ..join me... 1290 01:08:29,880 --> 01:08:32,319 (SINGS) # The child is a king 1291 01:08:32,359 --> 01:08:34,000 The carollers sing... 1292 01:08:34,040 --> 01:08:37,120 You're fucking joking. No, no, fucking hell, man! 1293 01:08:37,160 --> 01:08:40,200 It's fucking, no, I'm not having it. I'm off, I'm not having it, no! 1294 01:08:40,240 --> 01:08:42,479 Fucking Christ, wake me up in fucking January. 1295 01:08:42,520 --> 01:08:44,720 # Dreams of snow 1296 01:08:44,760 --> 01:08:48,560 # Fingers numb, faces aglow 1297 01:08:48,600 --> 01:08:51,479 # It's Christmas time 1298 01:08:51,520 --> 01:08:54,000 # mistletoe and wine 1299 01:08:54,040 --> 01:08:58,279 # Children singing Christian rhyme... 1300 01:08:58,319 --> 01:08:59,439 (SONG CONTINUES) 1301 01:08:59,479 --> 01:09:01,800 # With logs on the fire 1302 01:09:01,840 --> 01:09:04,240 and gifts on the tree... 1303 01:09:11,680 --> 01:09:13,640 (Boys, thanks so much for coming.) 1304 01:09:13,680 --> 01:09:17,000 (It's gonna be a bit of a surprise, innit, Christ? Best of luck.) 1305 01:09:18,399 --> 01:09:19,960 (DOORBELL RINGS) 1306 01:09:29,680 --> 01:09:30,800 What..? 1307 01:09:35,640 --> 01:09:38,760 Oh my, my... Boys... 1308 01:09:38,800 --> 01:09:40,680 Mum. 1309 01:09:40,720 --> 01:09:42,120 Happy Christmas. 1310 01:09:43,319 --> 01:09:45,359 Oh, come, come here. 1311 01:09:47,080 --> 01:09:49,680 Oh God. Oh God. 1312 01:09:52,960 --> 01:09:56,080 Come in, come in, come in... 1313 01:09:56,120 --> 01:09:57,920 Come in, come in. 1314 01:10:07,120 --> 01:10:08,400 Thank you. 1315 01:10:16,880 --> 01:10:18,520 (MOBILE RINGS) 1316 01:10:18,560 --> 01:10:20,680 Hello Christoph, how's your holiday? 1317 01:10:20,720 --> 01:10:24,240 Jemima's a bloody nightmare, she has the intellect of a fish, 1318 01:10:24,280 --> 01:10:27,200 how's auntie Edie? She's good, she's good, yeah. 1319 01:10:27,240 --> 01:10:29,920 Having a good Christmas actually. Yeah, she's enjoying herself. 1320 01:10:29,960 --> 01:10:32,120 Auntie Edie? Enjoying Christmas? 1321 01:10:32,160 --> 01:10:35,320 What have you given her? Cannabis, fucking loads of it, dude. 1322 01:10:35,360 --> 01:10:36,960 She's gone through two 20 bags. 1323 01:10:37,000 --> 01:10:39,720 That's an animal. For a beginner, that's insane. 1324 01:10:39,760 --> 01:10:41,800 I threw a whitey before she did. 1325 01:10:41,840 --> 01:10:44,400 Honestly, she sent me out for Bounties... 1326 01:10:44,440 --> 01:10:46,160 (LAUGHS) 1327 01:10:50,400 --> 01:10:53,520 # The lights are turned way down low 1328 01:10:53,560 --> 01:10:56,840 # Let it snow! Let it snow and snow! # 1329 01:11:02,520 --> 01:11:06,240 # SIR JOE QUARTERMAN AND FREE SOUL: (I Got) So Much Trouble In My Mind 1330 01:11:27,320 --> 01:11:29,960 # I got so much trouble in my mind... 1331 01:11:30,000 --> 01:11:32,000 AccessibleCustomerService@sky.uk