BRAKES SQUEAL SOFTLY
Where's the weed shed?
Underground.
Show me.
HE SNIFFS
And you've been living down here, have you, since you died?
Mr McCann... Ssh‐ssh.
Have a seat.
You're wondering what I'm gonna do to you, right? Yeah.
That thought had flipped through me mind.
I see you in me, Vinnie.
In what way? No, Christ! Not that way, no.
What I mean is...
..I see some of you inside me.
Mm...
Fucking hell.
I started out with nothing.
Scrapped my way up through guile, cunning.
And I respect people who do the same.
So if you can do all this...
..and fake your own funeral...
..you're a man I can use.
So, this is my proposition.
I'll pay the cash on all this. Doubles, trebles, quadruples.
You'll need more space. You run it, but I own it.
Our weed empire.
And if I should ever need a thief
or something that requires your unique skills...
..I will call and you will assist.
Do we have ourselves a deal?
C...can I stop worrying you're going to cut my dick off?
Consider it safe in my hands.
HE CHUCKLES SOFTLY
But nobody fucks with me twice, Vinnie.
Deal? Yeah, a deal.
Get yourself cleaned up. You can't work for me looking like shit.
I think this calls for a drink.
Oh, er, no, that's er...
It's piss.
Mm. Where are you shitting?
# The best things in life are free
# But you can give them To the birds and bees
HORN TOOTS # I need money
That's what I want
# That's what I want # That's what I want
# That's what I wa‐a‐ant # That's what I want #
BUTTON CLICKS
OVERLAPPING RADIO STATIONS
Hey‐hey!
Hey, Vin, are you all right? Hey!
Hey, Vinnie! Are you all right?
# I'm alive!
# And I'm seeing things Mighty clear today
# I'm alive
# And I'm sitting here yelling And doing my thing
# I'm alive
# And I'm real
# I can breathe and touch And see and feel
# I'm alive
# Yeah, hear me, all
# I'm a man
# Who don't care If my hair's a bit long
# I'm a man WHOOPING
# Na na # Na na
# Na Na
# Na na # Na na
# Baby, baby
# Yeah, yeah
# I'm a man
# And I'm red and I'm yellow I'm black and I'm tan
# I'm a man
# I'm alive
# Sitting here yelling And doing my thing
# I'm alive... # CHUCKLING
Voila. Voila?
It's a closed metal shutter. Yeah, fuck me.
It is now, but not when it's full with an exotic plantation, Dyldo.
Unit 51. That's where the Americans keep their extraterrestrial aliens.
That's Area 51. It's highly classified. Oh.
They reverse engineer crashed alien spaceships, study the occupants
and then they make their own aircrafts based on the technology.
Right.
Well, in here we're gonna be growing weed. Industrial scale.
Where did you get it? Chinese Dan.
That slippery fuck? I know he's a slippery fuck,
but he's a slippery fuck offering us a deal on a unit, no questions asked.
The best part is next door's a storage place for curry flavourings,
bloody herbs and powders and shit like that.
So, with a bit of clever drilling, ventilation,
it's gonna mask the smell of the ganja, that is.
There's only one problem.
LOCK CLICKS
SHUTTERS RATTLE AND THUD
He's made you look quite silly there. Mm‐hm.
Carrot Top Dolls.
Weren't they popular 30 years ago? The originals were.
No. They've had a resurgence, actually...
Press that.
DOLL CHATTERS IN CHINESE
..in China.
Right. And Chinese Dan, being so fucking Chinese,
he seized upon this. What are we supposed to do with them?
I bought them as part of the deal on the unit.
Fuck's sake! Fucking hell.
Dolls are dolls. Kids loved them in the '80s.
They couldn't make them fast enough.
We should buy a thousand fucking VHS machines while we're at it.
Yeah, and some Tamagotchis, basically.
Ha, ha, ha!
Shut up!
We're gonna need grow lights, irrigation and extractor fans.
We can nick all that shit.
But can we make it work for an industrial grow, Dyl?
Right...
It's gonna need a false ceiling erecting.
It's gonna need marking out into grow lanes.
Properly measured, no winging it.
We need to seal that entrance, use the side door.
We can't expose the plants every time we come and go, but...
..otherwise, it could work.
Yeah. PHONE RINGS
Oh, shit, it's McCann. Here you are.
Mr McCann. Hello, Vin, where are you?
You won't believe it, but I'm standing inside
what is soon to become our industrial grow here.
Excellent, excellent.
You have twin girls, don't you? Do they like dolls?
Dolls? Yeah, I've got a couple going spare.
I'll drop them off for you next time I see you. Did you want me?
I did, yeah. My boys are tied up,
so I need you to collect something for me.
Yeah, yeah, no worries. What is it? His name's Tony Tillerton.
That's... That's a person. I'm gonna text you two addresses.
One's his, one's where I want him bringing.
You might wanna take a friend with you. He's a conniving toerag.
Yeah, understood, yeah. And Vin...
Yeah?
Get the fucker back safe, yeah? Listen...
Er...
No, he's gone.
Right...
Who fancies a nice day out?
ALL: # Can you tie them in a knot? Can you tie them in a bow?
PHONE RINGS
# Can you throw them over your shoulder like a regimental soldier?
# Do your ears hang low? # Yo.
Now, then, Tommo, where are you?
Halfway down the country on our way to France, man. France?
France, yes. Booze cruise for the Rat & Cutter.
Jesus Christ, his memory.
We told you. It's the fucking new pills,
I can't remember a sodding thing.
Cardi says hello.
Carol's given him the full Vinnie makeover.
Right. How does he look? Er... an absolute plum.
The whole family's here. I've got Carol, Erin, Tyler
and, for maximum effect, Carol's gran Alma.
Say hello, Alma. Hello?
Are you all right, Alma, love? Yes, thanks.
Is that the darkie?
Gran!
Oh, Vinnie. The mental one. That's the one, Alma.
I've gotta go. Bring me back some cheese, will you? Will do.
Cheese, Es, and as much booze as you can fit in an Skystrider Crusader.
What are Es? Nothing you need to worry about.
CARDI: They're sweeties for grown‐ups.
Thanks, Cardi. Helpful!
Au revoir, Vin. Au revoir, bon voyage.
Deja vu!
Fucking French stuff. HE CHUCKLES
Oi!
Stop fucking about with them dolls.
He's done something wrong.
You don't send people to collect people unless they don't wanna come.
Maybe he doesn't drive, Dyl. Fucking tell him to get the train.
What if there's not a train line where he bloody lives?
A fucking bus, then! Look, I don't know!
He's asked us to collect him, so we have to fucking...
What's going on down there?
I think I've got an infestation. An infestation?
Who've you been shagging? I met this fella online.
Randolf.
He was kind of dirty. What, dirty? Or, like, dirty dirty?
No, not dirty dirty. Just, like...actually dirty.
Lovely. What website are you using? Shagaskank.com.
The sex was amazing, destroyed him. Lovely little arsehole.
But ever since I've got fierce itchy pubes now. Have yous any advice?
I do, actually, yeah. Don't have sex with dirty men called Randolf.
You'll need to shave. I'm Googling it, but...
..I'm pretty sure you've got genital lice.
Fuck. What? Could be a yeast infection.
Or scabies. Crabs, even.
Extra‐mammary Paget's disease. It could be.
Cheers, lads. Thanks for making me feel better! Right, here we are.
Avondale. That's not a thing, is it?
I spy with my little eye... No!
No more I‐spy. What can we play?
I've got a game, right? This is brilliant.
We used to play this at school.
Everyone has to tell a secret.
Yeah! All right.
All right, I'll go first. When I'm alone in my house...
There's kids present. Don't worry, it's clean.
I like to get comfortable, grab a hairbrush
and pretend I'm in front of thousands of adoring fans
belting out power ballads.
# I wanna know what love is
# Ooh, oh, yeah
# And I want you to show me Oh, yeah... #
Why am I not surprised, eh?
Who's next? I'll go.
Oh, God. I'm genuinely nervous.
I once stole a child's breakfast from a cafe
when he went away to the bathroom. Gran!
Awful. Why?
He was a lardy little shit.
All right, your turn.
Who me? Yeah.
Let me think. You must have hundreds.
Not really. Oh, come on, Carol
Shall I go again? No!
Come on.
All right
Well...
But it's not for young ears.
A fucking porno, Carol?
I thought this was supposed be a laugh.
What, you're t‐t‐telling me you had s‐s‐sex
in f‐f‐front of a camera and the whole fucking world's seen it?
It wasn't Pulp Fiction, now, was it, Cardi? Huh?
And it was a long time ago. I've got fucking pictures in my head!
Ah, you're overreacting.
Sure, my gran's not bothered. Oh, well, she...
Well, I fucking am! You're a hypocrite, Cardi.
You enjoy the porn, but you're not happy that your girlfriend's in one.
What was it called?
Eager Beavers.
Volume 22.
Fucking unbelievable!
Fucking start the car!
Fucking hell!
Christ. It's a thatched roof.
Hardly screams axe‐wielding maniac, does it?
DISTANT PEACOCK CALL Hey, he's got peacocks.
Oh, my God, psychopaths like animals.
Jeffrey Dahmer had cats.
Yeah, and he also impaled dogs' heads on sticks.
Let's just keep our wits about us.
Any aggro, we jump him.
Hello, chaps!
Fresh scones, straight from the oven.
Go lovely with a cup of tea.
Right, you know the drill.
We're a big, happy family, off on our jollies.
So, passports out, big smiles... Passport?
..and let's all pretend...
Yes, Alma. Yeah, passports.
Obviously. Cos we're going to a foreign country.
I haven't got a passport.
I haven't been abroad since 19...
You fucking what? TYRES SCREECH AND HORNS BLARE
Jesus fucking Christ!
Gran!
What? No‐one said. Well, we're going to France!
Is this a Brexit thing?
No, it's a going to another fucking country thing. Tommo!
I... I've got my pension book.
Yeah, you show them that, I'll show them my gym pass,
and he can show them his Costa fucking coffee card!
She's getting out. You can't throw her out.
We won't get through, will we, without her passport?
I'm not turning round, Carol, cos it's taken fucking hours.
We can't just throw her out in the middle of nowhere.
It's not nowhere. It's Folkestone.
There's hotels, a harbour, she'll have a great time.
And you go with her and make a p‐p‐porno while you wait. Grow up!
Don't joke, there's a market for that. Gummy BJs and that.
What's a porno? It's a grown‐up film.
With sex. Tommo!
What? Was that or was that not factually accurate? Right...
Let's just think this through.
Why don't we explain what's happened
and see if there's anything they can do? Like what?
I don't know! I'm thinking of ways to make it work.
She can hide in the caravan. No, sweetie, she can't.
Why not? Yeah, actually. Why not?
No! No, no, Carol, think about it.
The lad's come up with a masterplan. Hide me?
Yes, love, in the bog.
I'm not hiding in the bathroom.
Under the b‐b‐bed, then. No!
No, Carol. They'll take one look at us and assume we're two couples.
They won't think to look for someone else. Then why bring her along?
I'm beginning to wonder that myself.
It's the caravan or nothing.
Put these...
..over here and it turns out there is absolutely...
..loads of room. There you go.
I'll never get in there. You will, if you pull your knees up.
I'm not happy about this. It's a few hours and then we're in France.
You know what? Pretend it's an adventure.
Pretend it's the war and you're hiding from the Nazis.
But what if they search it?
Haven't they got infrared cameras? They don't pick up old ladies,
your bones are too hollow. Come on, love.
We'll say you've got dementia and climbed in when we weren't looking.
Are you OK, Grammy?
Give her a pillow. Yeah.
Do you want some water, love, and maybe a snack?
Oh, just put the bloody lid on.
Can I go in the other side? No, you can't.
Grammy?
What grammy? HE LAUGHS
Cunt.
TRAIN WHISTLE TOOTS
So, it all started as my cover story,
so that I could just get a few hours here and there away from the wife.
You know, "Just going through to play with the train set, dear."
And then I would just come in here, through there,
and, er...
..and do the, er...Terence work. But...
I had to spend a bit of time on the train set, in case she came in.
And, er, so I started ordering bits and bobs...
Er...don't touch it. No, you've derailed the diesel.
I'd ordered bits and bobs on the interweb
and I really got into it.
You see, when you see that train zooming around the track
it can be quite therapeutic.
Excuse me.
Erm, Mr Tillerton. Mm?
Can I try this out?
I've just always really wanted to fire one of these.
They're essentially decorative, old chum.
There's bullets.
Well, be my guest. But just make sure you do it out the back.
You ever make them crash? I beg your pardon?
Do you ever make them... sort of smash into each other?
Why would I do that? For fun.
"Oh, no, they're heading towards each other."
Psshww! Smash. Casualties. Carnage.
"Oh, no, I've lost a leg! Oh!"
You know, "I got separated from the group.
"Oh, my children, where have they gone? Where are my children?"
No.
So your wife has no idea that you do illegal tech fraud?
Oh, absolutely, blissfully unaware. PEACOCK SCREECHES
We have a wonderful retirement.
God knows where she thinks the money comes from.
GUNSHOT Shit!
Oh, well, fuck.
DISTANT PEACOCKS SCREECH
It was coming for me. It's a peacock!
It was coming for me. Whoa, whoa, put the fucking gun down!
This is Struan.
He's my favourite.
I'm really sorry. I'm a fish‐lover, actually.
I hate hurting animals. They'll all tell you.
I've had this bird in my bed. Oh.
I can't... Not like that, no.
Curled up like a dog. It's still weird.
He was coming for me.
Stop saying that! All right, shall we, er...?
Oh, Struan... Shall we get going?
Come on, Tony. Struan!
I know. Poor Struan. Come on.
I'll never see his like again. I know, I know.
Come on. Oh, Struan...
Come and have a cup of tea. I know. It's a shame.
Come on, you'll see him again.
Who is that boy that shot him? What's his name?
JJ. He didn't mean to do it. JJ.
Bell end. Oi! Get the fuck up here.
Yes, I'm just leaving a note for the lady wife about, er, Struan.
Erm...
Would you boys mind awfully if I had a little tinkle before we go,
if it's a long drive? Yeah, all right. No worries.
Thank you.
Go with him.
Go with him? Go with him.
He might be up to summat. Like what?
Well, I don't know. But Terence said he were conniving.
Ah, here, he made scones, he's hardly danger.
What is that there? The side of your head just there?
Go with him.
Sorry there, I've gotta come in with you.
Come in with me? Yeah. It's just...
Just in case, like.
Right. If it's just a number one,
I'll just stand with my back to you, so...
OK, right. Er, I've just got to warn you,
I've got shy bladder syndrome, so...
Right, yeah. Yeah, shy bladder. Uh‐huh.
I'm ever so sorry.
I can feel it in the pipe, I just can't coax it out.
No worries. Is there...? Is there anything I can do to help?
Like what? I dunno.
Run some water or whistle or something.
Well, if you like, yes.
HE WHISTLES
Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no!
No, that's... That's not helping.
It's gone right back up into the bladder.
I'll try the tap, so.
Oh, yeah, I think we're on the w... We're going...
PHONE RINGS Oh, no! It's gone back up again.
For Christ's sake. What?
VINNIE: What are you doing? We're in t'van.
He's got shy bladder syndrome. Shy bladder syndrome!
That's not a thing.
Tell him we've gotta go. We've gotta go.
I'm bursting. Why don't I just leave the man to piss?
I'll stand the other side of the door. Fine.
I'm just gonna lock the door, thanks. OK.
LOCK CLICKS
SHIP'S HOOTER BLARES
The way I see it, right, life's all about perception.
Two hours ago, you didn't know your girlfriend's chuff were out there
for every Tom, Dick and Harry to wazz over
and you were happy in your ignorance.
Yeah, but now I do. Right, so pretend you don't.
How? Tell your brain it never happened.
Tell your brain that...
..she didn't nosh a massive‐cocked guy with the cameras rolling
and there aren't tens of thousands of people
who've wanked themselves into oblivion... Tommo!
Y‐Y‐You're not helping. Fine, torture yourself.
But there is nothing you can do or say that's gonna change things.
There is, actually. What's that?
I wanna see it. All right.
I wanna see the f‐f‐film. Yeah?
Think you're up to it, do you? Yeah.
You can handle what comes out of that Pandora's box?
Whatever comes up. OK.
Your wish is my command.
Rub that lamp, see what comes out.
Thank you, genie.
I'll make some calls.
SHIP'S HOOTER BLARES
Bonjour.
I'm from Cornwall. In that case...
WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: Thas it, my lover, get on my cock!
Passports.
Have a good trip. Will do.
Just, er...wish my dear old gran could have been here.
HE CHUCKLES Piece of piss.
Why would you do that? Why even mention her?
Just having a bit of fun. Relax, we're through.
When can we let Grammy out? France.
What?! Carol, there's CCTV everywhere.
We'll get across the sea, pull her out in Calais.
Hey...beer?
Back of t'fucking net!
HE CHUCKLES
What are all these things doing in here?
We're doll connoisseurs.
My daughter had one of these.
I think she used to call her Bernadette.
DOLL CHATTERS IN CHINESE
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I bloody hated it.
Do you know these things were going for 500 quid a pop back in the '80s?
See what I mean? Demand. Yeah, then.
Then! Demand.
Are you all right, sunshine? I think it's a fungal infection.
You wanna have that checked out. A friend of mine had that.
Turned out to be extra‐mammary Paget's disease. See?
What even is that?
Well, it's associated with an underlying cancer.
Huh? Have you got any bleeding at all?
Not that I've noticed.
Itchy scrotum? Or is it just the pubes?
Mainly just the pubes. And any discharge?
Oh, come on. Are you a doctor?
Oh, no, no, but you don't get to my age
without having your fair share of health scares.
The things to avoid are stressful... HEAVY THUD
Fuck!
Out of the van! Out of the van!
SHOUTING
Give me the keys!
Don't hit me! Be cool, man.
Will you shut up?! Fuck!
OK, let's go! Let's go!
Are you all right, Dyldo?
Ooh! You fuckers!
Fucking keys, dude.
Motherfucker!
TYRES SCREECH
Fucker. Well, this is fucked, this, lads.
Dude, they knew we were coming. They must have. Of course!
Cos they got fucking tipped off. This knobhead down here. What?
This is fucking you, this, Ash! How me?
Fucking shy bladder? He couldn't piss.
He was fucking buying himself time, so he could bell up them wankers.
And now we've fucking lost him.
What am I gonna tell McCann? I've found them!
Thank God for that
Ah, fuck... They're in a cowpat.
Fish them out. What if I get mad cow disease or something?
You fucking shot a peacock, dude. Fish them out!
Urgh! Urgh!
Now, then, they not gonna be expecting us to chase,
so I reckon we should chase them. They're fucking armed.
Do you wanna be the one who explains to McCann
that we've lost a pigging pensioner?
No. Exactly.
Oh, bollocks.
Just get in the van.
This is wrecking my trainers, man. There's no service out here.
I just put my hand in cow shit, so shut up.
# ..carry on Across the silver sea... #
TOMMO: Bonjour et bienvenue en France.
Mission accomplished. CAROL: Right, get her out of there.
HORN BLARES
Jesus Christ, you're on the wrong side of the road!
You fucking eejit!
She can get a plane home, man. I'm not going through that again.
Hey. I've texted Fingers McGuinness.
He's got a sex shop in Southport. If anyone can find that movie, he can.
Legend.
Grammy, wakey, wakey, rise and shine.
Grammy, we're through. It's all good.
You can get up now, come back and sit in the car.
Alma, love.
Alma...
Shit.
Shit what? Er...
I'm not a doctor, but, er...
..I would say, with quite a degree of certainly, that, er...
HE SNIFFS ..she's dead.
THEY GASP What?
No!
Grammy!
Grammy, no‐o‐o‐o‐o‐o!
No‐o‐o‐o‐o‐o! Let's get you out of here.
Has she died? Yeah, but she was very old.
CAROL SOBS Come on.
SOBS AND SNIFFLES
Why did you...? Why did you put her in there?
It weren't my idea. It were Tyler's.
I merely endorsed it.
N‐N‐Nobody's f‐f‐‐fault, Carol.
Correction, it's his fault.
Or yours. What, m‐m‐mine?
You stuffed her under there!
Her an old woman and her on the pills.
I mean, what happened to her? Maybe...
Maybe it were natural causes.
You stuffed her under the bed of a caravan!
Which, in and of itself, won't kill you.
What am I going to tell my grandad?
They've been married for nearly 49 years.
Probably... cancel the golden anniversary.
That's my fucking grammy you're talking about!
In fairness, it wouldn't have happened
if she'd remembered her fucking passport.
I'm gonna fucking kill you. Carol, Carol, ssh.
Carol! And she were a racist.
CAROL SHOUTS ANGRILY
Can we go on holiday anyway with her just dead?
Er...
No, no. No, darling.
Where are these fuckers? They're probably miles away.
Yeah, cos they're bloody professionals. They had masks.
Masks don't make you professional, JJ. They're 1.49 off eBay.
They went straight ahead and there's not been any major turnoff,
so we just keep going and hope... Fuck!
Oh, shit. TYRES SCREECH
That's them.
See? Shy bladder. Let's get them.
Fuck, the motherfuckers have fucking seen us.
We only want to talk!
"We only wanna talk."
What? It might have bloody worked.
What the fuck are we gonna talk about, the state of the economy?
For Jesus' sake, you're gonna lose them, Vin. I'm not gonna lose them.
PHONE RINGS This piece of shite can't keep up.
Not a good time, Cardi. It's about your gran.
Did you not hear me say it's not a good time? What about her?
S‐S‐She's kind of d‐d‐dead.
What do you mean dead? Dead, dead.
She's dead. And talking about stiffs,
did you know your sister's done a porno? Hold on.
I'll call you back, all right?
Oh, guys, this isn't good.
Don't ever mess with my peacocks, you bunch of schmucks.
He's shooting at us! He's fucking shooting at us!
Armed and dangerous. Drop back.
I'm not gonna drop back. He's gonna kill us!
I'm fucking commanding you, stop chasing them. I'm gonna zigzag.
Zigzagging?! Fucking listen to yourself!
Can't hit a moving target. Fuck you!
Shit!
I'm gonna fucking die collecting an old man that can't piss.
Pipe down, dude, no‐one's dying!
ALL SCREAM
TYRES SCREECH
Just calm the... Oi, oi, boys!
Calm the fuck down. Get out of the fucking van.
Argh!
Oh, Jesus, his fucking head's come off. Brilliant!
Yeah, that's not good. Not good?
Didn't you see the fucking sign? Misestimated.
Yeah, you fucking misestimated.
Now we've got a head rolling about on the floor.
Oh, man, his eyes are still open. He's fucking looking at me.
Stop him looking at me! What we gonna do?
What the fuck do you mean?
He's no good to us now. No, well, funnily enough,
he's not much fucking use to us, either, you lemon.
PHONE RINGS Oi.
Get the fucker.
Fuck, it's McCann.
What do I do? Don't answer it.
Don't answer it! Fucking genius, Dyldo.
What if he knows? How can he fucking know?
Will you fucking calm down, Dylan? Calm the fuck on down.
You fucking calm down an' all. Shit!
All right. RINGING CONTINUES
Hello. Hello, Vin, how's it going?
Yeah, yeah. Good thanks, yeah. Never been be better, actually.
You've got Tillerton? Oh, yeah.
Looking at his... Looking at his face right now, actually.
Are you on your way back? Doesn't sound like you're driving.
No, we, er...
We pulled over. He needed a... He needed a piss.
Oh, yeah, he's got that shy bladder thing, hasn't he?
No, he's not got that any more. We've cured it, actually.
He's like a fucking racehorse. Tony, come on, lad, will you?
Shall we see you later on? Yeah, the address I sent. 5pm.
Right. I'll be there with bells on. Oh, he's fucking gone.
Why did you let them get away? Fucking gone.
Took his body. What are we gonna do? He's still looking at me, you know.
JJ, if you carry on, I'm gonna fucking brain you, dude.
We have to move this head before someone comes. No!
HE EXHALES HEAVILY JJ?
No fucking way am I touching that.
Fuck.
How are we gonna move a human head?
Those Carrot Top dolls.
Go on, Dyl, bro, throw us one of them boxes.
I've gotta be honest, man, I'm not sure I can do this.
You and me, grab an ear each, it'll be grand.
He looks a bit surprised. Of course he looks fucking surprised.
So would you if you had your head ripped off your shoulders.
Ooh, fuck me. Smells of mackerel, doesn't it?
Yeah, that's the blood.
Or there's every chance he had mackerel for his tea.
Oh, dude.
Urgh!
Whoa.
Have you got him? Have you got him?
No...! Fucking hell!
That was you, that!
You didn't stop it rolling. Brilliant, dickhead.
It's not my fault. You could have broken his nose.
How the fuck are you two doing? Having a nice afternoon?
Why are you taking it? What are you gonna do with it?
What the fuck do you suggest I do? Leave it here?
I think a severed head might raise a few questions, don't you, Dyldo?
You grab that way. I'll grab this way.
Right.
BOTH GRUNT WITH EFFORT
Shit. Cyclist! Where?
Cyclist, coming fast.
Shut the door. Afternoon.
Are you all right, mate?
Fuck me.
THUNDER RUMBLES
We brought a woman into the country illegally and now she's dead.
If we go to the police they'll ask some seriously awkward questions.
Can't we just bury her at sea? Shut up. Poor Grammy.
How I see it, right, we've got two options.
No, three.
No...four.
Oh, for God's sake, Tommo! All right.
Option A, we go to the fuzz, tell them exactly what happened
and let the chips fall where they may.
Do you speak the French? Oui.
Any more than oui? Es‐tu trempe.
What's that? It roughly translates to, "Are you moist?"
Well, that's gonna come in handy, innit?
Right, B. Option B.
We arrange for a speedy funeral. Dignified service,
bang her in the oven, on we go like nothing ever happened.
Oven? Oven or grave.
But oven's more environmentally friendly.
So you can organise a swift funeral in a foreign country
that we can afford? I can speak to Gary at Abracadaver,
see if he's got any French connections.
Gay undertaker, there must be a website or WhatsApp group.
C.
Option C would be my favoured option. Being?
We get the booze, we get the gear, mission accomplished. And then...
..we hide your granny somewhere discreet.
Fucking hide her? Look, just think about it.
We go back, we get her passport, we come back here.
Then we reveal she's dead.
Voila! No‐one goes to prison.
Where are you gonna hide her, Tommo? In a field? In a telephone box?
In a fucking roll of carpet?
Obviously not, cos they're terrible options.
Well, the carpet might work, I suppose.
You killed her, you prick! And now you want to stuff her in some field
and fill the caravan full of drink! I specifically said no to the field.
Look, in case you've forgotten,
we brought an undocumented woman into the country, right?
All of us. Joint enterprise.
QED, we are all in the shit together.
You're not fucking hiding her! Fine, what's your big plan?
Right, brought supplies.
How can you eat at a time like this?!
Get off! Oi, eager beaver.
Carol, nothing's gonna bring your gran back. I'm sorry, OK?
But I say we get on with the trip, we...
..make the most of the... beautiful weather.
THUNDER RUMBLES Yeah?
We pick the booze up, we get...the sweeties.
And then we make a plan when we're on the road, yeah?
Eugh!
Quick, quick, quick, quick.
It wasn't S&M. It was just a bit of light spanking.
What's that, like, strangulation? No.
Face sitting? No.
Nothing poo‐related? Oh, no, no, no.
Where's the fucking caravan? Where is it?
Feck the caravan, someone's nicked Grammy!
Arrrggghhh!
His words, his exact words, were, "Get him back safe."
Not just his head. Not just his fucking bonce.
He wanted to have a word with him. "Come for a nice day out," he said.
"Smoke a spliff, a few tunes."
And what have I done? I shot a peacock...
..and I'm sat next to a box with a head in it.
It's like Se7en.
TEARFULLY: It's my gran, she's just gone.
It was probably her heart, you know. Black old heart on her.
She was always smoking cigarettes. Fuck! That's what we tell him.
That's what we tell Terence.
What, that he got trapped in the seat of a caravan? No!
Fucking ring Gary at Abracadaver.
Tell him we're coming over and it's urgent. Fucking go on.
That's it, like, we have to tell the police. Yeah...
Ah, mm, yes. HE SNIFFS
I, er... I agree and, er... HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
..I understand your logic.
But, er, before we go down that particular...avenue,
there might be a few matters it would be prudent for you know about.
Like what? Well...
A, that wasn't exactly my caravan.
When you say not exactly...? Well, you know, er, not at all.
It was nicked from outside a dog kennels in Keighley.
B? B...
I don't actually have a driver's licence,
so we can't say I was behind the wheel,
which is a problem if they check the security footage in Calais and...
C... There's a C.
There's a fucking C.
C, I have a criminal record in France
due to an incident several years ago
involving a couple of exchange students
and a glory hole in a Paris cinema bathroom.
Jesus Christ, Tommo! What's a glory hole?
It's a hole you put your... Cardi!
It's... It's for sweets.
You all seem to be forgetting that my grammy...
The racist... ..is dead and AWOL.
What if we never see her again? Hey, hey, hey, look, look.
We've saved money on t'funeral. Right, that's it!
Who wants to make a porno?!
Anyone?!
Anyone want to fuck?! She's in shock and grief.
And soon, Eager Beavers 23. What?
Carol!
Are we on holiday now?
What do you want me to do?
Look at it! It's like you've been using it as a fucking pinata.
Superficial, innit, man of your skills, Gary. And then what?
Where's the rest of him? Well, fucking hell,
that's where the big favour comes in, cos we've lost him.
You've lost him? Yeah. Well, no, no.
He got stolen, to be fair. It's a fucking long story.
Look, the good news is we do have the head.
So I say we stitch that head on to another body. Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Sew that head on to another body? Yeah.
I mean, dude, you must have some lying around. Er, yeah, I have.
But oddly enough, Vin, the bodies are still attached to the head.
They're intact. All right.
So, let's just say, for argument's sake,
one of them heads was to fall off that body, right?
And then we get that head and stitch it on to that body
and borrow it for, like, two fucking hours. Is that deeply unethical?
Yes.
Utterly contemptible, unthinkable, undignified.
300 quid. Done.
Sick.
All right, so...
..we've got sort of a fat fella.
And, er, like, a thin woman.
And...
..a black lad.
So there's no perfect match.
ELECTRICAL SAW WHIRS AND STOPS
All right, one of yous has to catch it.
Dyl? No fucking chance.
My gran died earlier today.
Fuck, dude!
I've been fucking lifting his head all day long.
Quickly, now. This is fucked.
ELECTRICAL SAW WHIRS Oh, dude! Fuck!
ELECTRICAL SAW STOPS Fuck, it went in my fucking mouth!
How am I supposed to know where it's gonna spray? It's not my fault!
I'm doing you a favour! Fucking hell, why's his dick out?
Because he's dead! What do you mean, "Why is his dick out?"
What do you want? Shorts? Yeah, some short something.
A bit of dignity for t'poor lad. Just hold his head!
Jesus Christ, dude.
It's fucking... It's like he's staring at me dude, all limp.
Why does it smell of burnt dog meat? It's fucking horrible.
Why's it smell like that? You get used to it, OK?
And, to be honest, I find it quite relaxing.
Hold his head! Urgh!
WHIRRING Eugh!
Right, here we go!
Oh, fucking... Jesus!
Eugh! Whoa!
Here we go!
Urgh! Pull it! Pull it!
SPLASHING Eugh! Eugh!
Eugh! HEAVY THUD
Eugh!
Fuck! Just get me the other one!
Fuck. Urgh! Urgh!
Oh...
I don't know if we're gonna have enough neck here to stitch it on.
Urgh! Urgh!
We're gonna have to put a scarf on him.
Here we go. There we are, two o'clock.
T‐T‐Two o'clock?
Ahead and right a bit.
What are you saying two o'clock for? Like on a clock.
Fucking hell. Him, there, dickhead.
With the beard and the bloody terrible sandals.
Keys straight in his jacket pocket.
Go on, off you pop.
Go on.
Oh! Sorry, sorry. Pardon, pardon.
Er, yeah. No, I'm fine, I'm grand.
S‐S‐Sorry. Sorry.
Ah, success.
Right, where is it?
Where have you parked,
you sandal‐wearing prick?
CAR LOCK CHIRRUPS
You have got to be shitting me.
How are we all gonna fit in that? We've got no choice. Get in.
PHONE RINGS
Fingers?
You've got it?
You, sir, are the Inspector Morse of minge.
I spoke to Fingers.
Am I or am I not a genius?
# Whoa, baby
# Whoa, babe, I got you
# Whoa, baby
# Whoa, babe, I got you... #
Shit.
That's him.
Right, just let me do all t'talking, yeah?
Mr McCann!
Where is he? He's in the back of the van.
I wanna see him. Yeah, he's, er...
He just started panicking on the way here.
Like, fucking hyperventilating and that.
I think he's had a heart attack, you know.
Open up, then.
Go on.
He said he'd put on some weight. It's probably stress.
It was very quick.
You bastard.
You cheated my fucking wrath with death, you cunt!
HEAVY THUMP
Is this your fucking way out, is it, eh?
Is this your fucking escape route?
HEAVY THUMPING
See that face? The face of a traitor.
The face of a man who tried to fucking cheat his fucking paymaster.
SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC
Are these the dolls?
DOLL CHATTERS IN CHINESE
Ha!
The girls are gonna love these.
Get rid of him.
I've weed myself a little bit.
PHONE PINGS Oh.
Hey up...
HE SNIFFS
Er, I need a pee.
Yep. I'll, er...
..just pull over.
Right, dead quick. Come on.
Carol, smell that smell there?
CAROL MOANS ON VIDEO Oh...
Is that a dog lead? Oi! Eyes off, you.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
CAROL GROANS ON VIDEO Oh, Christ.
CAROL MOANS AND YELLS That...
MOANING CONTINUES That's...
That is worse than spanking! Carol!
MOANING CONTINUES ON VIDEO
Oh, shit!
Dude, t‐t‐the car.
The car's... I spy with my little eye,
something beginning with F. PHONE RINGS
Oh, shit.
All right, Vin, how's it going? Yeah, good, thanks, yeah.
How's the trip?
Great, thanks. Just having a nice day out.
Yeah, the same.
Lovely day out. Hm!
Grammy!
Fuck...
HE GRUNTS
Ready? Ready, yeah.
Whoa!
Wow, that's a gasper, isn't it?
CHUCKLES
That is a bad boy. Hell's teeth!
Right. HE CHUCKLES
I'll be back in a sec.
What a phallus.
Huh!
Oh, God!
What about the itching, though?
Crabs? Crabs, yeah.
# I got so much trouble in my mind
# Give me the strength to carry on
# Give me the strength To carry on... #
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