INDISTINCT CHATTER
Very clever... LAUGHTER
Right, who's responsible?!
O'Neill, sir.
Vincent? Nothing to do with me, sir.
Oh, really? So, Carl's lying, is he?
Yeah, he's lying.
And he better take it back, cos that's thingy...liable.
Slander. Slander.
Come up here!
Show me your hands...
What? Hands!
I can explain... Caught red‐handed.
You're a liar, O'Neill. And liars need to be punished.
ALL EXCLAIM Here we go...
Say sorry to Humphrey.
The thing is, Mr Bates, he's essentially a trainer.
Yes...
And if he doesn't get an apology, he gets tremendously angry!
All right, I'm sorry! To Humphrey!
Sorry...trainer.
Say his name! I'm not saying his name!
Does he have to say his name? ALL: Yes!
Thanks, dickheads! Say it, O'Neill!
Shut up, you dog‐bumming twat!
Say sorry to the shoe! I'm not apologising to footwear!
ALL: Sorry to the shoe! Sorry to the shoe!
CHANTING CONTINUES
Sorry to the shoe!
# The best things in life Are free...
You're a thief, O'Neill, always were and always will be!
# I need money # That's what I want
# That's what I want
Sorry, shoe...
# That's what I want
# That's what I want. #
Aren't you practically Terence's bitch now, though,
you doing all the work, while he takes all the profit?
No, I am not Terence's bitch.
He's a fucking ENT‐repreneur.
Yeah, ent... entrepreneur.
Entrepreneur, investing in our start‐up company.
Which means better facilities, better weed...
Fucking hell, we're moving up a league here.
Hang on, sweetheart. Don't get me wrong,
it's great we're Terence's top supplier,
but I'm a businessman now,
and businessmen have responsibilities.
Like fucking what?
Like sorting out this place. Look at it.
There's spliff butts in every crevice,
a used condom in the hand‐drier,
some idiot's been cold‐lunching by the fire exit.
Are you Hawley's Larry Flynt or something? Hey, hey...
Dickhead, I'm doing this for us.
I mean, fair do's, I might be managing director,
but we're all stakeholders, yeah?
And its success relies on our shared efforts.
Which is why...
..I was hoping you might come somewhere with me.
Come somewhere with you? Like where?
A little, er, trip out.
Like where?
HE INHALES
I'm planning a room in the back, for, you know...specialist clients.
A blue room, if you will.
And I've got this vision in my mind.
I want it kitted out in a very particular way.
Who's gonna want to eat their dinner off that?
They're perfect.
Look at the detail.
Little willy sculptures all across the top of it.
Hmm.
Hey, I tell who'd like these, you know...
Fucking McCann. Oi! Eyes off, sunshine!
Use your bloody head.
He loves a pervy antique. It'll keep him sweet, won't it?
All right, how's about you take these drawers?
There's fuck all erotic about 'em, dude.
Check out the side.
Christ...
Look...
HE GROANS A big snizz on it.
ALL LAUGH
That is... That's pornographic, that.
That's disgusting. Hey, hey, hey...
It's a thing of beauty, that is.
It's a work of art, the female twat.
You help me with the rest, the drawers are yours.
All right, then. So, when are they shifting 'em?
The museum can't afford expensive storage arrangements,
so I'm reliably informed they're sticking them in non‐descript boxes
and whacking 'em in shipping containers in the staff car park.
What, with no security? They've got security.
CCTV, a guard with a dog.
What kind of dog? A fucking labradoodle!
What'd you mean, what kind of fucking dog?
If it's a fucking Rottweiler,
they're trained to grab by the throat.
We'll bring some dog food.
There's a thing you can get, a dart gun, tranquiliser. Exactly.
Shoot that up its arse and we're good to go.
Right... You know what I'm gonna ask.
Is this worth it, all of this trouble
for some weird crap for his perv room?
Have a bit of vision, for once in your fucking life, mate.
We could be the next Hustler Club, yeah?
And it's the class and attention to detail that's gonna get us there.
Vinnie? I'm up for it.
Anything that doesn't involve being in disguise
or in fear for my fucking life. Grand, yeah.
Count me out. Yeah, me, too.
Just the three of us, then.
The Three Musketeers, all for one and one for fucking all.
ALL CHUCKLE
Where's Cardi?
Cardi!
Car...
Hello. Hello.
What's all that shit on your face? Have you been tanning? No.
Yeah, you have. Oi, oi.
What's he wearing? What's this man got on?
LAUGHTER You know when you've been Tangoed.
Right, come on, do some explaining.
Look, I'm just b‐b‐busy, all right?
I'm not always a‐a‐available.
You know, sometimes, I do have other things going on in my life.
Yeah? Like what? Cardi...!
Cardi, come on. Come on. We have to do a second coat...
Oh, how are you, Vinnie? She does this with all the fellas.
We're having a spa day at home today. Aren't we, Cardi?
Er, well, it's, erm... Oh, it's all going on today.
Jacuzzi, massage, facials...
Might even do a cucumber body wrap later, if we've the time.
Oh, cucumber body wrap?
Right, well, listen, have a lovely time.
Er, w‐w‐what are you doing?
Go back to your tanning, you. You're patchy.
Have a good time! Oh, we will!
How much do you want for your tooth?
Thirty pounds. Thirty bloody quid?
You can have a fiver if I can touch it.
Gross...
Urgh!
There you go. Thanks.
It's good to have you back. Yeah, it's good to be back.
Thanks for bringing him to come and see me,
when I was stuck in that hole.
That little face kept me going.
Why don't you go and play upstairs for a bit?
Go on, bog off.
We were worried about you. Hmm...
I've been worried about me.
I had some dark days.
But him...
I really love that boy.
I know.
Right...
Gotta go to Jake's bloody dinner party now.
Mm‐hm. See you later.
See you. Right, Sugar should be back, OK?
She'll put him to bed. OK.
All right, bye, baby. Love you. Love you.
Enjoy your time.
Aw, bloody snuggles, eh?
What film do you wanna watch?
Hey, Vin.
What can I do you for?
I don't know, man...
Do you ever wish...
..you could just, you could just tell people things?
You know...
..if things were just different, you could tell 'em...
..and they'd be happy, and you'd be happy.
No. Fuck...
Do you know what I mean? I know exactly what you mean.
Yeah? Yeah.
I'm seeing this new woman, Casandra.
Total fitness freak.
It's all organic wheatgrass and tantric vaginal Pilates.
Look what she's got me wearing. Look...
What's that? A detox patch.
She says it realigns my chi. Right.
But I'm hooked, Vin. I'm obsessed with her.
I'm absolutely obsessed with her.
She's like fragrant Viagra.
All right... The sex is amazing.
I'm happy... I'm happy for you. Fucking nice knees?
Amazing. Amazing!
But the intercourse, Vincent... Oh, my God!
God, I wish you could just...
I wish you could experience...
I wish you could take a day, step inside my body,
take control of my chopper and...
Just profound... Chris...
Stop, stop! Sensational!
Just stop!
Shut the fuck... You've gone too far again!
Why the fuck would I wanna be your dick for a day?
You hijack these fucking sessions every time.
Talking about fucking sheilas...
..sloppy blow jobs or whatever.
Quite right. Quite right. Let's reverse these roles.
You're the doctor, I'm the patient.
Do you know what I mean?
Sorry. It's all right.
Sorry, Vin.
Sorry.
So, how are you?
I miss my kid.
Well, it's not my kid. It's the mother of my kid.
She's amazing.
I just wish I wasn't such a... fuck up.
What is wrong with...? Oi!
What?
Just tell me about your tantric minge sex, then.
No. Go on. Carry on. I was listening.
What are you looking at? Nothing.
You were looking at your fucking screen.
What are you looking at? Nothing on it.
Nothing here. There's no need to...
There! There! There! There's nothing on it!
Motherfucker!
I don't know why I let you talk me into these things.
Cos you love it, that's why.
Do we all know what we're doing? Yeah.
Sound.
Oh, fucking hell, dude!
Nearly took my fucking hand off.
You great knobhead, what are you doing wearing that?
Reverse psychology.
Ah, I've always wanted to use one of these, lads.
Where the fuck did you get that from? Kitty Mclean.
Cat burglar? That's him, yeah. He got a job lot one Christmas.
He only charged me a tenner for that. Hup!
Argh!
Fuck's sake! Quiet, dude!
Jesus! Quiet?
You've fucking gashed my head open!
It didn't clasp. Maybe that's why it were a tenner.
Here, let me have a look.
There's fuck all there, man. Are you sure?
Shut the fuck up.
Have you got the tranquiliser gun? I have it here.
Where do you shoot it? In the arse.
All right, now listen...
For fuck sake, don't miss. Last thing we need is an angry dog.
I won't. All right...
Fuck me...
Shit! Vin...
What? Look.
Who the fuck are they?
Oh...!
Jake tells me you're running a local wine bar alongside your studies.
Impressive. Well, I wouldn't call it a wine bar.
It's an evening drinkery. Great.
We must come down.
Charlton and I love an excuse to get out and about.
Yeah, that'd be great. What's it called?
It's called The Rat &... The Ratatouille.
Right. Fantastic. Mmm.
Amazing cocktails. Mum loves a cocktail, don't you?
Death in the Afternoon.
It's what Hemingway used to drink.
SHE CHUCKLES
Motherfuckers... Who the fuck are they?!
No idea.
Who told you about the gear being kept here?
You remember Sheridan, my sister's chiropodist? No.
Yeah, you do. Big lass, grey hair.
Shiny forehead.
Oh... Anyway, her cousin Elaine, right, Elaine...
Who's Elaine? You met her, but you were off your face.
Good night, that, won't it?
Anyway, she's going out with Ian. Remember Ian? I do know Ian.
Massive hair. Yeah...
Fucking hell. Shut the fuck up.
Yeah...
It doesn't make any difference whoever it was.
They have blabbed and now these wankers are nicking all our gear.
Shall we just bail? And let them have it?
What's the option? They're fucking armed.
Fucking armed, JJ? Yes, armed!
Are we seriously gonna get ourselves killed
for some chairs with dicks on? No!
Hey, hey, hey... Erotic curiosities, all right?
If I wanted a chair with dicks on, I'd speak to your barber.
Why are you always dissing my barber? Can you tell him, please?
Oi, listen to me. We're professional thieves.
Ashley, we're professional thieves.
We can't have people turning up before us, just nicking our shit.
Do you know what I mean?
Let's get back in the van.
All right, they're coming. Get down.
Fuck's sake... Christ! Why did you duck in my direction?
The same fucking spot, are you kidding me?
Right, come on, follow 'em.
Yeah, that's it, do a fucking nine‐point turn, Ashley!
You sexy idiot, what are you doing?! You fucking big fat hand.
Moron!
What's going on? Why are we slowing down?
Why the fuck are we slow...? What are you doing?!
It's a red light. Never mind red light!
We're gonna fucking lose 'em! We're not gonna lose them.
They've gone straight ahead in a massive green van...
We're in a covert criminal pursuit and you're obeying the Highway Code!
It'll be a few seconds. Fuck, dude.
HE HUMS
Taking a while, aren't they? Go through the red light!
The road's completely deserted! Fine...
VAN STALLS Oh, nice one, you bellend!
That's you stressing me out! I'm fucking stressing you out?
Constantly on at me! Start the van!
I'm starting the fucking van! HORN BLARES
Fucking go! They've gone red again!
You're jiggling...
Right, now, listen. The element of surprise is our best friend here.
They're not gonna be expecting us turning up, nicking their gear.
So...
..stealth.
HORN TOOTS Ashley!
HORN TOOTS Oh, shit!
Right, I'll take left, you take right.
You shit...
STRAINING
SPRAINING AND GROANING I can't see!
Ow! My eyes!
Help! Help!
HE GROANS
It's me, you daft.... Urgh!
How many fingers? One.
Brilliant. That'll do. In the van.
Shithead, get in in the fucking van!
Argh!
Get in, JJ!
Wait! Hey!
That's not fucking JJ!
JJ?! Go, go, go...
I'll get the other van!
Stop, for Christ's sake!
SHE SIGHS
PHONE CHIMES
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
Hi, Erin.
Hi...
Arr‐on? It's, er... It's Aaron.
Like, air‐on. CHUCKLES
Anyway, erm... Can I show you something?
Er, yeah, OK. Where? Just...
Through? Yeah.
It's our old playroom, me and Jake.
HE CHUCKLES
We spent a lot of time in here as kids.
Brothers, you know, very competitive with each other.
I bet.
Have you got a sibling? Er, yeah. I've got a brother.
A bit of a moron. BOTH LAUGH
Me and Jake were so competitive.
But, erm...
You wanna know something?
Yeah.
I'm better than him.
Right...
At everything, Erin.
I'm a stallion. He's a gelding.
And I've had that confirmed.
So you know.
A word.
Look in there.
They haven't even fucking nicked everything!
Yeah, but they took the drawers, though. Where's the chairs?
Mate? Eh? Where's the fucking chaise longue?
This is your fault, this is! My fault?
Yes! Your fault! "Follow 'em," he says.
Yeah, cos I thought they were gonna take it all!
What the fuck were I supposed to do, dude?
Hang on till they'd gone, take whatever they didn't want? Bollocks!
This is a cock‐up, this. I'm having them drawers.
Like fuck you're having them. Them's for McCann.
Why do you want drawers in your pervy sex room, anyway?
What you gonna fucking keep in 'em? Lots of things, actually, mate.
Lube...
Do you know what, just fucking have 'em!
HE MUTTERS
Right, I'm off. I've got a headache, yeah?
Cos this bellend here dropped a ship's anchor on my bonnet.
Don't storm off. No, mate. You took it too far.
Don't storm... What the fuck are you laughing at?
Your eyes are fucked, dude.
Get in the van.
I don't need that shit, Jake. I know...
Do you know what I mean? It's just Aaron.
He... He's got a weird sense of humour.
Yeah, it's fucking weird.
I'll talk with him.
Look, go back in...
..have a drink.
Please.
OK... Thank you.
SHE SIGHS
Do you, erm...? Do you like 'em?
Where'd you get 'em? They fell into my possession.
Where? The museum.
Someone robbed the museum, so we robbed them.
Stolen items...
There's gonna be a whole shitshow, Vin.
This is Regency, 1800s.
Right.
Shall I...? Shall I give 'em back? Give 'em back?
No, you will not fucking give 'em back.
This is a very nice piece of furniture. Huh...
But it can't come in the house.
I know a man who can look after it for me.
I'll call him in the morning.
Can you hang on to it until tomorrow? Yeah, course, yeah.
Good lad. Now get the fuck out of here.
DOOR CLOSES IN DISTANCE
What the fuck's this?
PHONE VIBRATES
Sometimes there's so much snow, like last year.
So much snow, they had to close the slopes.
Am I all right to get some water? Two minutes. Thank you.
# Another day
SHE SIGHS
# Oh, what a wonder
# Oh, what a waste
# It's a Monday
LAUGHTER
# It's so mundane
# What exciting things Will happen today?
# All of a sudden
# I'm having trouble breathing in
LINE RINGS
# I'm having trouble breathing in
All right, this is Dylan.
Leave a message. Unless you're Vinnie.
# I'm having trouble breathing in. #
PHONE RINGS
GUNSHOT Oh, fuck!
I'm armed!
It's fucking me, you knobhead! There's five of us in here!
Oh, yeah, and two...two dogs!
So, whoever you are, you're outnumbered!
It's me! I know my rights!
Oh, fuck!
I can blow your brains out and no judge in the land will convict me!
It's fucking... It's Vinnie! Put the fucking gun down!
Vinnie? Yeah!
Oh, what you doing?
I thought you were an immigrant! Why the fuck would I be immigrants?
What do you want? I thought you were going back to your shack.
Yeah, I know, but... It's not a bed and breakfast, Vin.
I'm not Airbnb.
I mean, I didn't mind when your dick was on the line.
But you're just taking the piss now.
I know, but, fuck, I need a favour.
Come on!
Now, be careful! Don't rip the wallpaper!
Are you fucking serious?
Did you wipe your feet coming in? Your carpets are so fucked up, dude.
That's vintage, that carpet.
And don't scratch the paintwork. Don't scratch the edge, dude.
Where are we putting it? In the guest room.
What fucking guests do you have? Hey, I have guests!
Like who? Like fucking...
..people of note!
People you wouldn't even never have heard of!
Honestly, four months I've been in that weed shed,
you've had a fucking guest room this entire time!
Stop fucking moaning. Unbelievable.
Fucking... Jesus Christ!
What? It's a bit patriotic, isn't it?
All my own work.
Oh, I got someone in for that.
An Englishman's home is his castle.
Sing the national anthem and I'll let you stay the night.
Christ...
It's like AirBNP.
Knobhead...
Oh! BOTH LAUGH
I hope she isn't pretty.
Why? Because.
For you.
What's better, he's going out with an absolute minger?
SHE SIGHS
Hiya... Hi.
Pretend not to look, but I think I'm being followed.
Followed?
By your ex? Or...
..by secret police?
Er...by stalkers.
Stalkers? Mmm.
Oh, no...
They're kissing. Oh, great...!
It wasn't passionate.
Well, have they stopped?
Hang on...
No. Still going.
SHE GIGGLES
Er, I think...
I think you've made your point.
I haven't.
Now? Still going.
Still...
Oh, she is pretty...
Wait...
Oh, no. Still.
They've stopped.
THEY GIGGLE
Jesus...
Oh, do you think they saw us? How should I know?!
SHE LAUGHS
This is fucking crazy! What am I doing?
He doesn't want her.
He's just trying to make you jealous.
Sugar, I got rid of his kid. I broke his heart, right?
We're done. I need to get on with my life.
Come on.
SHEEP BLEAT IN DISTANCE
FRANTIC KNOCKING ON DOOR
What?!
Where's Vinnie? He's in bed.
Why? He's wanted.
So, go and get him out of your bed and into my car.
He's not in my bed!
Do I look like I sleep with younger men?
Do I?
Do I look like some kind of fucking perv?!
Just fucking get him.
Inside.
Now.
Call me suspicious, Vin,
but the very night you bring round some rare drawers to my house,
this happens... Yeah, fuck, it's connected.
These are the dickheads we robbed them off. This is my home!
I know... I'm really sorry.
Did they break in? No, there's too much security.
And this clown fell over a chiminea.
Woke up my wife. They legged it.
I was just trying to do a good thing, I...
Can I fix it? How?
Fuck, I don't know...
I just can't fathom how they...
The jacket!
Look...
Fucking phone... I dumped this in here last night.
They found it and assumed the fucking drawers were in your house.
I'll fix it. I'm sorry.
Hang on, stop...
Why would they go to all this trouble for a set of drawers?
Why don't we ring 'em up, tell 'em we've got their drawers,
tell them we want five hundred quid?
Then, when they come, we jump them, find out who they are.
What if they're armed? Armed? What is it with you and armed?
This bleeding thing has a passcode on it.
Statistically, you're four times more likely to get stabbed
than get cystitis. Where the fuck's that, Los Cabos?
The UK, man. I'm telling you.
Yeah, statistically, that sounds like total nonsense.
Why don't we just leave the phone on at a new location
and see if they come again.
Where are the drawers now? Jim's farm.
Right, so, we go there and we wait.
If they see their van there, they'll think they're in business.
It's perfect. All right, lads?
ALL GASP AND LAUGH
Oh, it's fucking getting worse.
She even did a makeover on Nigel, look...
He smells like lavender, dude.
This is exactly why I don't get into relationships.
What, in case you get heavily made over?
They always try and change you, don't they?
I say to women now, "This is who I am. Take it or leave it."
And that doesn't put them off, no? It does, yeah...
How do you fancy a night‐long stakeout in a shitty pig shed?
Can we have coffee and doughnuts? You can have as many as you want.
And no wheatgrass. There will be no wheatgrass.
Yes! No more wheatgrass!
PIGS SNORT AND GRUNT
All right...
I spy with my little eye something beginning with...
..P. Pig.
Why would it be...? We've had pig twice.
Piss‐take, lads. We have to sit in this cold barn
when there's a lovely warm farmhouse round the corner.
Swill? That's a fucking S!
Pigswill? No!
Pricks! I didn't know you were playing.
LAUGHTER Who last used my indoor bog?
Why? I'll tell you why.
Cos someone's left an unsinkable.
CHUCKLING I'm not having it, Vin!
It's just sitting there, rent‐free, like it fucking lives there!
All right, just pump the handle. I've pumped the fucking handle!
Who's the perpetrator? GIGGLING
Oh, like that, is it?
Right, well, fine. I've got all night.
But I'll tell you this...
No‐one leaves this room until the culprit's found!
Ooph!
Intense...
Mm‐hm.
I thought it was gone. LAUGHTER
Well, it fucking hasn't!
What've you been eating? Mainly protein.
Get back in there! Knife and fork! Deal with it!
ALL LAUGH
Hey, Ashley, chop, chop.
LAUGHTER
Oi, lads... Lads, there's someone round there.
Oh...
You, you bastard!
GRUNTING AND GROANING Stay calm!
Don't panic! Stop fighting! Stop it!
Just settle down. We're not gonna hurt you.
We're just gonna ask you some questions, all right?
Evening. What the fuck are you doing here?!
Trying to find my post rammer! I know you've had it off me!
Have I balls! Stainless steel, solid metal cap.
I saw him admiring it.
He's talking crap!
Post rammer? I'll ram you! What?
What?
With my fist! Oh...
Fucking hell... What you all doing, anyway,
sneaking around in the dark, sticking bags on heads?
Cos we're expecting visitors. Thieves.
Thieves? Yeah.
Told you they were coming, did they? In a manner of speaking, they did.
I just passed a bunch of posh blokes with their car stuck in a ditch,
but they didn't look like thieves. Where were this?
Down the lane. Posh cursing, they were.
Looked like they needed a nice rioja.
Hey!
Need any help, fellas? We're fine, thank you.
Oh, no, no, no.
We insist.
We?
Shit! Run!
No way...
Mr Bates!
Vinnie!
Vincent O'Neill. You taught me History.
He taught me History, this geezer. Vincent!
How's it going? Yeah, I'm doing all right.
How's your dad? He's fucked.
He's still an alcoholic, isn't he?
How are you doing? Are you still teaching?
Early retirement. Yeah?
I assume you've all come for the erotic drawers, have you?
Why do you want 'em?
Well, they're just very appealing, aren't they? Yeah...
We're enthusiasts. Aren't we, chaps?
Sounds like bollocks.
In school, we're always taught not to lie, aren't we?
You did, though. Often. Oi, that's not the point...
We want the truth. We can either do it the easy way or the hard way.
So, why do you want the erotic drawers?
It's your time you're wasting.
All right, fuck it. Torture 'em.
Everyone grab someone beige. Wait! No, no! Get off!
Fill that bucket and flick his ears.
Ow! Never mind "ow". I'm gonna go and get my cane.
I swear to God, I'm not gonna stop till someone cracks here.
You're in Guantanamo now, lads. Don't make me start on your feet.
That house you tried to rob belongs to Terence McCann,
and if you don't know who that is, let me tell you,
you don't want him in your life.
You've done well for yourself, Vinnie. Thief, hostage‐taker.
Maybe if you'd made your lessons a bit more interesting,
I'd have paid more attention.
Do you know what we used to call you in school? Master Bater.
Smelly‐Belly Dog Breath. Fuck Face.
The Drone.
Because of the droney way you'd harp on, man.
Well, Carl Slater liked my lessons, and he's done very well for himself.
Carl Slater bums dog, don't he? I tell you what,
bell him up and tell him you've been nicking antiques.
Let's see how much he wants to be your pal then.
You becoming a thief...
Honestly, it might be the most interesting thing you've done.
You're middle‐aged men. You should be home,
drinking real ale, discussing cruise holidays. I don't know what you do.
There's a reason you've all gone to these lengths.
And I wanna know why.
Take their shoes off. No, no, no, no! OK, OK, OK! OK!
We're a secret history group.
We're all of us experts in different fields.
And we go deep into historical research.
We've discovered a little‐known secret
about the drawers that are in your possession.
It could be apocryphal... What does that mean?
Made‐up.
The story goes that the maker of the furniture, Emmanuel Dasigie,
was so fearful his work would be seized,
that he hid some of his more extreme creations.
The story goes that, before his death, he drew a map.
Concealed it inside a piece of furniture in his house.
We believe it's inside those drawers.
Are you for real? A treasure map. That's unbelievable.
The craziest thing I've ever heard. It's fairy‐tale stuff.
So, you stole the drawers to try and find the map.
Untie him.
Just him.
Oi!
Feet!
Fuck sake, dude.
You've been told a load of crap. There's no fucking map here, man.
It must be! It has to be!
All our evidence suggests...
Try those legs! I've tried the legs!
Well, twist them! Press them! I've tried!
It's concealed! It has to be here somewhere! No! There's nothing!
It looks like your story was apocalyptic after all.
Hey, hang about. That line, you see it?
It's not the same colour as the rest of the wood.
That's not a flush join.
He's right...
What about...?
We'll give it a little...
LOCK CLICKS Oh...
Oh, fuck, no way..!
LAUGHTER No fucking way, man.
Call me a genius.
I might be a simple farmer, but I'm an Englishman...
All right. ..with an Englishman's heart.
Jim, Jim, Jim! Shut the fuck up!
That's the fucking map! CHEERING
No, no, no, no, no...
This is our plan, and you boys just stumbled upon it.
Yeah, well, that might be the case,
but we're professional thieves...ish.
You know, and you lot are fucking useless.
Hardly! We got the drawers, didn't we?
Yeah. Yeah, you did. And then we nicked 'em off you.
And you knocked over a fucking chimnear, robbing the wrong...
Chiminea. Chim‐in‐ea, robbing the wrong house.
And then you got your fucking car stuck in a ditch.
He's got a point. And if you rob that stately home,
you're all gonna get caught and no‐one's finding shit.
So, here's what I propose...
Now, I'd say nine out of ten of our jobs go...
It's seven, if you're lucky.
Seven out of ten of our jobs... Six‐and‐a‐half, innit, really?
Well...six.
Six out of ten of our jobs go relatively well.
And up till now, none of yours have.
All right? So, you either say yeah,
and potentially come away with a bit of loot here,
or you say no, I tell Terence McCann all your names,
we let the fucking cards fall where they may. What are you saying?
OK.
But we come with you on the job.
This is our adventure, and we want to be there.
Absolutely not.
You've got more chance of seeing a one legged‐dog
shitting on a frozen pond. That's fucking final.
This is fun! Thanks for letting us come!
Shh! Lads! Lads!
Just shut the fuck up! We're on a fucking robbery!
All right, listen...
Positions.
You two, take the right. You two are gonna take the left.
You keep dog‐eye while we do the cutting, all right?
If you see anyone, walkie‐talkies. Go on.
Check this out. A couple of bloody pros here.
We're gonna be in here in five minutes.
The last one.
Do you see what I mean? Do you see what I...?
SIRENS BLARE Oh, shit!
SIRENS CONTINUE TO WAIL
Move it! Hurry the fuck up, dude! It's my knees.
Urgh!
Well, that's it. We've blown it. We need to get out of here.
Honestly, that's an amateur response.
What we're gonna do is we're gonna stay here, all right?
Right here, quiet.
What? Christ...
I said, "We're gonna stay here, quiet."
Ah... Cos pound to a penny,
no fucker comes out tonight to reset that system.
SIRENS BLARE
I had a thought earlier. Yeah?
We could have just come during visiting hours.
You what?
I mean, we didn't need to break in, did we?
We could have just paid and walked in as tourists.
That's a much better idea.
FOOTSTEPS CRUNCH ON GRAVEL
GUARD FARTS
Sandman, come in Sandman. This is Beaver Three.
OVER RADIO: Any sign of intruders, Beaver Three?
Negative. Over.
Has the site been penetrated, Beaver Three?
Negative, Sandman. No sign of penetration.
Then I suggest we leave this to the morning shift.
Affirmative, Sandman. Over.
GUARD FARTS
Oh...
GLASS SHATTERS
Do you know, this... Yeah?
This is like a proper...
Like, Indiana Jones...
ORNAMENT SHATTERS
Shit.
You've fucking broke that now, ain't you, you bellend?
S‐S‐Sorry...
I can only take you somewhere twice. And once is to apologise.
Now, get the fuck down there.
Right, according to the map,
the secret door's somewhere across that wall there.
And the mechanism for said door...
..is up there.
Right, who fancies lifting me up? Not you. Right, go on.
Oh, oh... GROANING AND GRUNTING
Fucking hell...
It's stuck. Try again.
Do you think?
Cos I was just gonna fuck it off after all this trouble and go home.
Lemon. Christ, you've a bony arse.
I told him that last week. Why were you feeling his arse?
You're killing my shoulders, Vin.
Well, know what, your big fat head's mashing my balls to smithereens.
We've all got our fucking crosses to bear.
Got it.
Oh... CREAKING
It's open! Y‐Y‐You've done it.
Put me down, Ash.
Mr Bates, get the fuck out of way.
Let's all queue up, like we did at school.
Come on, lads...
This is doing nothing for my claustrophobia.
It's like a Berlin sex party. There's something ahead!
An opening! Like I say...
It's here!
It's bloody here!
The secret room!
We've found it!
Holy shit...
Oh, fuck...
It's a cleaning rota.
No‐one's been here since 197‐fucking‐5.
Fucking coffee cups and shit, like a bed down there.
This is where the staff came to skive off, this.
But it can't be!
All our research suggests this is Emmanuel's secret storage space.
All your research, eh?
I'm sure Emanuel is up in heaven right now,
laughing himself silly over this,
sat in a massive cock‐shaped harp.
HE SIGHS Fuck!
Fuck it...
Let's smoke a spliff.
Cheers, lads. Nice one.
Have a good night.
Arr‐on. I mean, Aaron...
What you doing here? Is this...?
I thought you worked in a wine bar.
BOTH LAUGH
The chances of this... Mmm.
Incredible coincidence.
How about I buy you a drink? I've got to go home.
Oh, hang on... We got off to a bad start.
I apologise. Let me buy you a drink.
No, thanks. I'm good. Your choice.
But if you're gonna be serious with my brother,
we need to at least...get on.
How much is entry? Ten.
A tenner it is.
Thank you.
I hope they look like you in there.
HE SNIGGERS
Fuck it...
LINE RINGS
Hey... Hi.
Erm...
It's over. What?
Me and you, Jake. It's over.
OK, I'm sorry. It's just... It's not right.
We're done. Erin, I...
No, Jake. Jake, you know it yourself, all right? It's...
I'm sorry.
It's over.
Erin, please...
Right... Go on, sod off, then.
I need my bed. It was fun, that.
Mmm... An adventure.
It's what we do, innit? Adventures.
It's an important lesson that, though.
You can't always come away with gold, can you?
No.
But...
..sometimes...
..you can find...
..silver.
Where did you find that?
I found it in the, er...
..s‐s‐secret room.
You know, when we were having a spliff.
INDISTINCT CHATTER AND LAUGHTER
No way...
I didn't want them teachers to have it.
I wanted to give it to you. Eh?
No, no, no...
I can't take that off you. That's finders keepers. No, no...
I want you to.
Cos, er, you know...
..you've been sad.
I'm really glad, er, that you're alive again.
Me, too.
Love you, mate.
I love you, dude. I love you, too, man.
Look after yourself, yeah? All right...
Go on, sod off.
HE STARTS TO SOB
Right, fuck it, just get your shit together.
Get your shit together, we'll get out the fuck out of here.
Cardi, come on, I'll buy you a kebab on the way home.
all right.
# I got so much trouble in my mind
# Give me the strength to carry on
# Give me the strength To carry on... #
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