RANSOM: First officer's log, stardate 59482.3
The Cerritos is holding position
near the Veraflex nebula,
where, for the last two weeks, we have been hosting
peace talks between its inhabitants,
the Orbs and the Cubes,
both photonic species made of pure energy.
The Orbs and the Cubes have been at war
since their home nebulas collided over a century ago.
CUBE: Aah! Watch where you're going, ball.
ORB: You wish you had curves like this, you pointy freak.
CUBE: Why don't you go shove yourself in a circumscribed cylinder?
- ORB: How dare you? - Hey, hey.
RANSOM: Brokering peace will require
- some complex diplomacy. - (clattering)
And that's not the only problem I have to deal with today.
Almost... (grunts) ...got it!
Who said I couldn't stack 100 pieces
of circular furniture onto a single sled?
- RANSOM: I did. - (yelps)
And it wasn't a challenge, it was an order.
Don't worry. I inverted the weight threshold.
This bad boy could hold a freakin' neutron star.
- (exclaims) Aah! - Aah!
(chuckles) We're gonna laugh about this later.
♪
♪ ♪
FREEMAN: I had no idea photonic beings could be so petty.
Now the Orbs are complaining about all the edges.
Now, how the hell am I supposed to get rid of edges?
You have any idea how many edges are on a starship?
That is it.
I am done with that new ensign.
She disregards my orders, breaks everything she touches
and-and I think she's stealing my kettlebells to mess with me.
I can't make gains without my bells!
Whoa, how do I not know this obviously very cool person?
- Yoink. - Wha...
Ensign Olly has just transferred from the Reseda
due to some sort of electrical fire
and problems with her commanding officers.
Damn. And that whole crew is reformed Maquis,
they're nasty.
Whoa, she's a demigod?!
That's not Starfleet terminology, but yes.
Olly's the descendant of the psychokinetic being
that presented itself as Zeus.
Didn't Kirk kick their asses? I-I thought they all went off
and became "one with the wind" or whatever.
Before that, they were prone to... congregating with mortals.
Ha! Been there.
Damn, this girl keeps getting cooler by the second.
(groans) I can't chance any more disruptions
with the Orbs and Cubes on board.
Commander, notify Admiral Vassery
that Ensign Olly will be leaving the Cerritos.
W-Wait, hold up. To go where?
She's been removed from six other ships.
I assume this was her last chance at Starfleet.
Uh, people can change if you let them. I'm proof.
You just grabbed my PADD
to access information above your clearance.
Come on, Mom, let me help her out.
Eh, she makes a good point.
Sometimes the most destructive ensigns
just need someone to believe in them.
(sighs) Fine.
But if she so much as sneezes at a Cube
or an Orb, she'll be "one with the wind"
just like her pawpaw.
Don't worry, Mom, Olly's gonna be Cerritos material in no time.
- Whoa! - (crash)
Ha, ha. Starting now.
Aah! Hey, sled coming through!
- I mean now, starting now. - OLLY: Get out of the way!
Huh.
(gasps, grunts)
I'll tell you, engineering feels
more like catering whenever photonics are on board.
Those little fellas gobble up power cells
faster than you put away chile rellenos.
Ah, you know, I have the computer omit the spice.
You mind if I grab the power cell from your PADD
since you're always using that alt universe one anyway?
Alt universe? (laughs)
Good joke. We got a real Ronald B. Moore over here.
Working on your stand-up, huh?
Huh? W-What are you talking about?
I'm talking about the PADD you stole from Beard Boimler
on the parallel Cerritos.
I could tell because the bevel is 3.7% deeper.
- Also it's red. - Oh, yeah.
Dang it. I was trying to keep it a secret.
No secrets from roomies. Sorry.
Why are you so into that thing, anyway?
You saw that other Boimler-- so cool and successful.
He was acting captain three times.
If I copy him, then maybe I can be cool, too.
Okay, sure, or you could just be yourself.
Yes, exactly. Myself from another dimension.
- No, what I mean is... - When the Orb and Cube peace talks happened
in his universe, Beard Boimler and Dr. T'Ana became pals.
She even gave him a nickname: Flip!
She did? Dang, he is a cooler Boimler.
Or maybe alt T'Ana is less crusty and mean?
I got to get a nickname from the doc
before the Cubes and Orbs make peace.
Does Doc even know your regular name?
Unclear, but alt T'Ana invited Flip
to her exclusive bridge crew book club.
That's the endgame.
What does a book club have to do with captaining?
Apparently everything!
This is not a good idea.
(indistinct chatter)
Hmm. Looks like the first thing Olly needs to learn
- is how to be on time. - T'LYN: Mariner.
You are in your old bunk.
The human susceptibility to nostalgia is puzzling.
Nah. Ensign Olly and I have to entertain
one of the diplomats' kids while his dad argues about borders.
I assume she would have been removed from duty
after the turbolift incident.
Or the replicator incident.
- Or the phaser incident. - OLLY: Out of my way, blue guy.
Same for you, guy-looking guy.
Ensign, you were supposed to be here 30 minutes ago.
I was testing this mini tractor beam
and I must have lost track of time.
(gasps)
You appear to have solved the unit's
compression stability problems.
Yep. So now I can stack crates without having to move.
- Aah! - (grunts)
(groans)
That power surge requires investigation.
It's a work in progress.
I love to see someone work so hard at being lazy.
I used to be an engineer, but apparently
I was a "hazard" to the officers around me.
That's right, you try to think outside the box
and they try to push you back in.
Yeah! Exactly. Are you sure you're Starfleet?
Usually. Come on, we're late picking up our teenage Cube.
So, you know how
there are all these photonic diplomats on board?
They're hard to miss.
One of the lead Cubes' kids is acting up,
locked themselves in their quarters.
We're supposed to get it out and show it a good time.
We're babysitting? Ugh!
- That sucks. - Yeah.
Starfleet's kind of a "one for me, nine for them" type deal.
Quadralon? Can we come in?
Computer, override door controls.
Authorization Mariner 53.
Hey, sorry to bust in, but...
What the hell?
(scoffs) He trashed the place.
(gasps)
Scans say this is photonic residue.
You don't have to be Dixon Hill to see
that some bad (bleep) went down in here.
I'm sure there's a logical explanation for all of this.
Uh, yeah, logically, some nasty-ass Orb murdered the Cube.
Or-- twist-- a Cube murdered the Cube
but the Cube was an Orb in disguise!
Maybe Quadralon just had an energy cold
and sneezed on the walls.
Scans couldn't locate him, Captain.
Rajik, when he fell in the chasm.
Oh, foul play could destroy these negotiations.
Wasn't Quadralon spending all their time in here
vidscreening with friends?
Apparently, they think corporeal ships are boring.
So, where's the vidscreen they were using?
SHAXS: She's right. It's missing.
Hey, crazy theory: maybe the Cube-murdering Orb took it.
No accusations until we have proof, Ensign.
Ugh, it's obvious.
My team will search for the computer.
No. I can't have Security
running around raising suspicions.
How about us? Mariner and I are low status enough
to fly under the radar.
I-I wouldn't call myself "low status."
But, yeah, uh, she might be right.
- Uh, I... - RANSOM (on comm): Ransom to Freeman.
- (groans) Go ahead. - We could use you in the conference room.
The Cubes have an issue with article ten.
They don't like that the ten has a zero.
- It's too round. - On my way.
(sighs) Okay, you two can investigate our missing Cube,
but don't make a scene.
- We won't. - We might not.
Kidding.
Oh, if we get some Ferengi blood,
we'll have an entire rainbow.
Yeah, a rainbow of death.
This stuff's riddled with viruses.
Okay, for the last time, Lieutenant,
a paper cut isn't a medical emergency.
Oh, you know, I just, uh, flipped on down here
to see if I could shadow you.
I've always wanted to learn, uh, medical stuff.
No. (bleep) off.
- Well, we tried. - If she doesn't call me Flip,
I'll never get in good with the bridge crew.
What about Shaxs? You're in the bear pack.
He doesn't have a book club.
I'm sure flipping through this medical book
will be insightful.
Love to flip each page
to see what knowledge awaits me.
That book is 300 years old.
It was a gag gift because of how (bleep) stupid it is.
I think you mean how flipping stupid it is.
What's wrong with Boimler?
Eh, just the usual stuff.
If you say "flip" one more time
I'm gonna bite your (bleep) nose off!
Oh, point taken.
Um I guess it's time for me to leave...
like this. Aah!
Oh, medicine! Aah!
(whimpers)
Nice going, (bleep)-o.
You just hyposprayed yourself
with untested anesthetic.
No, I'm good. Let's go hang out
and get to know each other.
Finding Quadralon's computer could lead us to his attacker.
Hmm, I'm picking up a faint signature.
ORB: I can't believe we have to share equipment
with these savages.
CUBE: Why are you even working out,
you two-dimensional (bleep)?
ORB: I'm 3D as hell!
Aah! Don't look at me. I'm not glowing.
Oh, is that like being naked?
- Yes! - You look great.
Somebody doesn't skip radius day.
This is a waste of time.
We should be searching the Orbs' quarters.
Huh, looks like
the missing computer is nearby.
So, what's it like being a demigod?
Got any cool powers?
Who told you I was a demigod?
It was in your file. Also the leaf headband thingy.
Not really a style us mortals are known for rocking.
(sighs) It's called a laurel. It doesn't come off.
It's a bioluminescent construct I inherited
from my stupid ancestors.
I'm just making conversation.
I get a lot of questions about it.
And no, I don't have any magic powers.
I'm normal, like you.
Well, I mean, I know if anybody would call me normal.
Whoa! Check this out.
That naked creep's got anti-Cube propaganda.
"Time to shave those edges off once and for all"?
I mean, come on. Case closed.
Yeah, this is pretty bad.
Okay, let's feel out this Orb. But I do the talking.
Of course.
Spill it, circle! We're onto you.
- ORB: Spill what? - Stand down, Ensign.
- Ugh. - Rondus, I want to apologize for the intrusion.
You witnessed me at my dullest.
Do you know how humiliating that is?
I do not, no. I am not... I don't understand that.
But I think we can make it up to you.
Olly, the bribe.
(gasps)
Mmm. Sweet potential energy.
I bet you're looking forward to getting this treaty signed, huh?
I am blessed to be part of such a historic occasion.
Even though you're dealing with the Cubes? (scoffs)
Look, it's just me, but I've always found them
to be too pointy.
ORB: They are stupid-looking,
the way they just kind of float there. (laughs)
(laughs) Yeah, totally.
Sounds like you really hate them.
No. The Cubes are weird, but I support
- an end to hostilities. - (grunts) (bleep)
We saw your anti-Cube rants, murderer!
- Ridorbulous! - All right, hey, tone it down,
like, a million notches.
I planned on destroying that propaganda
in a display of solidarity.
Yeah, right. You couldn't square the thought
- of making peace, so you iced a Cube. - (grunting)
You have got to chill.
This is exactly what we didn't want to have happen.
(sighs) You're gonna kick me off the ship, aren't you?
No. No, I'm not. I get it.
You just... You want justice. I've been there.
- All you need is... - (gasps)
- Hey! - Come back here!
Stop right there!
I can't believe I botched that so hard.
All that flip practicing was so easy
with the gravity turned down.
Does this have anything to do
with that alt universe PADD
you're always secretly reading?
- You know about it, too? - Yeah.
It has a way wider bevel.
- It's red! - Oh, yeah.
(sighs) Look, I'm trying to trick Dr. T into
inviting me to her book club.
Okay, so, just be yourself.
That's what I said.
Aw, twins! (chuckles)
Didn't you learn this with the whole Hawai'i thing?
Yeah, but this is different.
Beard Boimler is me.
Listen to how casually she talks to him.
T'ANA: Hey, (bleep) lips, whenever you're done
(bleep) yourself up the (bleep), hit me back.
Till then, (bleep) you! Ha, ha.
- Colorful. - It's how she shows respect.
Oh, wow, she gets way spicier with friends.
(gasps) That's why I need to speak her language.
- Caitian? - Cursing.
Yeah, I don't think it's gonna be as easy as that.
Hey, Dr. T'Ana.
- What do you want? - (bleep) nothing.
What's crappenin' with you, (bleep) (bleep)?
(all gasp)
What did you just call me?
(bleep) (bleep)
Uh, you know, 'cause you're a (bleep).
Oh, ha-ha, he's still loopy from the hypospr...
I should split your face in half
for talking to me like that, you little twerp!
Uh, why aren't you swearing?
How about this?! (caterwauling)
- (screaming) - (bleep) (bleep) You little...
(bleep) your face in!
- Guys, I may... - (bleep) (bleep) (screeches)
(bleep) piece of (bleep), I will (bleep) you up,
and I will (bleep) (bleep) and your (bleep)!
(panting)
Stop it. Get back here.
Uh-oh.
I assure you, Sexagus,
we're doing everything in our power
to find Quadralon.
How long has my Cubelet been missing?
They're accusing us of murder!
(stammers) No one is suggesting that any Orb
murdered any Cube.
The one with the leaf hat did.
It's not a leaf hat, it's a laurel.
And all I'm saying is somebody murdered a Cube
- and it wasn't one of us. - (indistinct chatter)
Ignore the ensign. Please stay calm.
Hey, now that everyone knows, we can more easily search
for that melted computer.
(indistinct chatter)
SPHERONIUS: And where within these accusations do you account for
the disappearance of my Orblet, Radiara?
Your kid is missing, too?
- Perhaps they are the murderers. - How dare you!
Uh, maybe Quadralon and Radiara got lost.
At-at the same time. Mysteriously.
I am sick of these lying, disgustingly rounded Orbs!
- (shouts) - (grunts)
Aah, shape war!
(screaming)
(gasps)
What are we doing back here?
Searching for the missing computer.
There's a war breaking out. We got to help.
You'll do anything to stop me from finding it, won't you?
What does that mean? Hey, that's my locker.
- It's just full of ancient robes and... - (grunts)
The computer!
(gasps) The Orbs must have planted it there.
Then how'd you know it was melted, Olly?
You said it just a minute ago, before we saw it.
I know it's kind of worn out to say there's
a logical explanation...
- Did you kill a kid? - No! (sighs)
I got to Quadralon's quarters early
'cause I thought that's where we were meeting.
I saw the crime scene and panicked.
I'm not exactly popular.
Plus, with the electrical damage,
someone would blame me and my powers.
So I hid it, then ran to you.
You told me you didn't have powers.
Of course I have powers. (grunts)
My grandfather was Zeus.
My power just sucks.
Ah, that's why you keep causing all those electrical mishaps
and getting kicked off ships.
I didn't ask for lightning bolts.
I joined Starfleet so I could fix and build stuff.
(sighs) I hid my powers so people wouldn't be scared of me,
like a Q or something.
Well, to be fair, Q's are more annoying than scary. (sighs)
I thought you wanted to fight the system, like me.
But you're your own person.
I-I should have paid attention.
And I shouldn't have hidden the computer.
We still have a mystery to solve
- and a war to stop. - How?
- You might actually have to use those crappy powers. - What?
Mariner, I don't want people to know! Mariner!
(shouting, screaming)
(both yelp)
(whimpers, grunts)
- I'm here to help. - Take cover, (bleep).
This is way out of your league.
This is your chance, all right?
Just like we talked about. Can you do this?
- I don't know! - Olly. I believe in you.
(grunting)
It's working! You're doing great.
(gasps) I'm doing it.
I'm not useless! (grunts)
(distorted): I took on too much power.
- (gasps) - Get back!
(shouts)
(screams, grunts)
(grunts, groans)
(regular voice): Did I end the war?
SEXAGUS: Consider our alliance terminated!
SPHERONIUS: Orbs, orbulate!
RANSOM: They're combining into giant shapes, Captain.
They could be turning into anything.
Oh, my God, they...
You know what? It-It's just a bigger orb
and a bigger cube.
They're not creative at all!
(all grunting)
- Ugh, this is all my fault! - No, it's not.
You did your best.
No. I'm at my best when I'm engineering,
not trying to be a Zeus.
- Wait! I'm so stupid. - Stupid about what?
- Olly! - (groans)
(crew members grunting)
Status report.
- Shields at 20% and falling. - Reserve power's almost gone.
Get off my bridge.
Hey, I know Olly and I (bleep) the bed,
but we deserve a chance to change the sheets.
- Ugh. - (scoffs) It's a metaphor.
Yeah, a bad one.
You've had enough chances.
- Out, now. - Wait.
I can reconfigure the ship's tractor beams
so that it'll work on a photonic signature.
Tractor beams are for tractoring.
I can direct an electromagnetic field
into the nacelles.
Which would weaken the photonics
and charge our shields at the same time.
(stammers) Are you saying that'll work?
(all grunting)
- It has to. - Make it so.
ORBICULUS: What angled trickery is this?
OMEGACUBE: It's not us. We're being affected, too.
(Orbs and Cubes clamoring)
SEXAGUS: We don't need energy to defeat you.
SPHERONIUS: Prepare to be bounced upon.
QUADRALON: What's going on here?
(all gasp)
- Quadralon? - Radiara?
RADIARA: Why isn't anybody glowing?
SPHERONIUS: We thought you were dead.
QUADRALON: Oh, uh... No.
We've been... together.
RADIARA: Quadralon and I are in love.
(all gasp)
QUADRALON: We knew you'd never condone our union,
even with the peace talks.
RADIARA: So we snuck off to a holodeck
after totally wrecking Quadralon's room.
- He is an eager lover. - Gross.
Come on, clean up after yourselves.
QUADRALON: Leaving a mess is part of our kink.
Ugh, we thought that was evidence! I touched that!
SPHERONIUS: You have been intimate with a cube?
RADIARA: Extremely.
There's someone we'd like for you to meet.
SQUAARON: Hey, everybody. Surprise! It's me.
Whee! (laughs)
RADIARA: This is our child, SquAaron.
It has far too much energy.
SQUAARON: Happy to be here. (laughs)
SPHERONIUS: SquAaron is... perfect.
Who knew Orbs and Cubes were capable
of producing such beauty?
SQUAARON: I want juice. Let's play hide-and-seek.
Why does he have such a big head?
RADIARA: Do not give him juice.
SEXAGUS: Perhaps there's hope for us after all.
Let us return to the negotiating table.
SPHERONIUS: Agreed. We will work together
to forge the Treaty of SquAaron.
- SQUAARON: That's me. - (Orbs and Cubes cheering)
(SquAaron grunts)
QUADRALON: Uh, what is this? What do I do?
I've been a parent for five minutes.
♪ ♪
(monitor beeping steadily)
Ooh! Ah.
(cheering, applause)
(sighs)
BOIMLER: Uh, what happened?
- Did I have a lightning bolt in my ass? - Oh, yeah.
And my report detailing the extremely unique procedure
to remove it will be legendary.
Finally, I'll get some real clout in the medical community.
They'll probably name this the T'Ana Procedure.
Glad I could help. I'm gonna go to my room
and sleep for the rest of the mission.
- How long is it-- five years? - No way, (bleep)-o.
My book club's meeting tonight.
- You got to swing by. - Really?
Just make sure to bring a pillow to sit on.
Those cheeks are gonna be (bleep) for days.
(laughing)
Whoa, Doc really likes you.
I can't believe it actually worked.
You got a nickname. (bleep)-o!
Yeah, and she said it with such warmth.
Staying true to yourself is wrong.
You got to copy someone better.
No, that-that's not the lesson to take from this.
Billups has a biweekly aquatic aerobics class.
- No, no, no. - I got to use that PADD to get in.
- Ooh, great idea. - No, no, no, guys.
- PADD pals are gonna be unstoppable. - You can't just
- crib your personalities from a stolen PADD. - (laughing)
- Yes, we can! - Yeah!
FREEMAN: Despite my earlier misgivings,
there's a place for you on the Cerritos after all.
I'm sorry for causing any doubt.
Tomorrow, you'll be reassigned to Engineering.
It's clearly where you belong.
You got a real eye for power systems, Ensign.
I'm happy to have you join the team.
I've never felt so supported before.
This is amazing.
Thank Mariner. She saw it in you when we couldn't.
But first, you're spending the night in the brig.
What? But I saved everyone.
Yeah, you also lied and hid a bunch of evidence.
Oh, come on. You're not really putting me in the brig.
I have rights! This is tyranny!
The bench is actually pretty comfy in there.
Don't act like we're friends.
We are nothing alike. And guess what?
I love the brig. This is my favorite place.
Yeah, you're right. We're totally different.
(grunts, sighs)
- What are you doing? - I am keeping you company
so we can get a chance to know each other better.
No. Leave me alone.
Being Cerritos strong means no more secrets.
So, tell me about your gramps.
Did he, uh, did he smite?
OLLY: This is my brig time, not yours.
- MARINER: What about your mom? - OLLY: I don't want to open up!
I'm a loner! I keep personal stuff bottled up
deep in the darkest parts of my soul!
- MARINER: Ooh, have you met Medusa? - OLLY: Ugh.
MARINER: Is she cool? I feel like she'd like me.
Now, do they all have names-- the snakes?
Are they multiple snakes or are they just one big snake
- with a bunch of faces? - (Olly shouts)
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
(man imitates weapons firing)
Chirp.