♪
[tricorder beeps]
[beeps]
Tony.
Gena Marino,
my seventh grade geology teacher?
Wh-What are you doing in space?
And in a revealing toga?
Don't worry about all that, Tony.
Come here, let me brush your hair.
You can tell me about that race car novel you're writing.
[gasps]
Oh, my gosh. I've never
told anyone about that.
I wrote myself in as the main character.
His name's Speedy McWheels.
So clever. Tell me more.
[screaming]
♪
FREEMAN: Captain's log, stardate 58256.2.
Jengus IV is a remote planet
which was believed to be uninhabited
until indigenous silicate creatures, called the Scrubble,
started turning Federation scientists into statues.
Captain Murakami of the USSHood
answered the distress call and brokered tentative peace.
With the conflict resolved,
theCerritos and theCarlsbad are coordinating
to relocate the outpost.
Once again, we're cleaning up a mess
for a bunch of outpost scientists.
You know why these guys are always getting eaten,
disappearing, or getting eggs laid in their chest?
'Cause they're working on the frontier?
Because they're weirdos. You want to explore space?
Join Starfleet, go to the Academy.
But no, that's too much effort.
They just got to get their degrees
in studying spores or whatever,
then head off into the quadrant and get devoured by a plant!
Is this a mission briefing or a stand-up routine?
Oh, no, no. His stand-up's more a raw, unfiltered take
-on dating and mating. -[groans]
Anyway, now that the Scrubble and the scientists have agreed
not to attack each other, it's our job to set up a new base
and remove these.
Psychic mines-- they read your thoughts
and bring your fantasies to life, then turn you to stone.
Be careful down there.
Captain wants us to look good in front of the Carlsbadcrew.
Cali-class gets real gossipy.
Glad to see that our priorities are in the right place.
Just follow Stevens's orders like they were coming from me.
Because we're best friends, and we share a sacred bond.
Dismissed.
[groans] You have to stop saying that we have a sacred bond.
I feel it, sir, and I know you do, too.
Ooh, Tendi, we're heading
down to the planet to move a bunch of rocks.
Ah, that's so cool. Wish I could join,
but I'm starting my senior science officer training today.
Whoa, look at you, getting all bridge-ready.
[yelps] I've been prepping so much,
I'm afraid my brain's gonna explode with science.
Ah, that's how I want to go.
All right, I'm off to find out who my senior officer mentor is.
Wish me luck.
Wait, no, wish me facts.
-Ah, Ensign, join me. -Hey, Dr. Migleemo.
Sorry, I don't have time to chat.
I'm actually meeting my mentor
for senior science officer training.
Well, I wonder who that could be. It's me.
-[laughs] 'Tis I. -Wait, what?
Through the strange alchemy of command,
the task of mentoring you has fallen to me.
Now grab a seat and let's get started.
Oh, and do help yourself to some of these
Corvarian sludge worms. They are exquisitely charred.
Oh. G-Great. [chuckles] -[slurps] Mmm!
Lieutenant Commander Stevens?
Ensign Kearns reporting.
We're here to provide assistance from the Carlsbad.
Great. You guys'll dismantle and relocate the outpost equipment.
Cerritos,you're gonna clear
the area of fantasy rocks,
which are still live, so be careful.
Uh, what do we do if our fantasies appear?
Well, they should dissipate after a few hours,
but if anything should try to tempt you,
you know, think about parrises squares.
What up, 'badders?
I'm Mariner, that's Rutherford, and this
little bird-boned fella is Boimler.
Uh, yeah, we know who you are.
Everyone's heard about the Cerritos.
Oh, um, cool? [chuckles]
Oh, hey, you guys were just at Pellex II, right?
Did you get a chance to sneak over
to the old Pleasure Festival?
No, we were aboard our ship, following orders.
We do not sneak.
Yeah, no, I just meant, uh... Look, I don't sneak either.
I-I didn't mean sneak. I just meant, like...
Uh, i-it's gonna be a slog today.
If you guys get sick of dismantling the station,
we can always switch it up.
Uh-huh. Hey, Cor'dee, is "switching it up"
-in our mission parameters? -It is not.
And why are we wasting time with all this talk?
-Uh, well, I just, I... -Eh, look, we've heard about how
you do things on the Cerritos. We're not here to screw around.
What the hell's their problem?
They were acting like the Cerritoswas a joke.
Do we have a reputation?
I don't know. Look, we should probably get to work.
[growls]
TENDI: So, have you ever
trained a science officer before?
Absolutely... not, no.
I didn't know they did this.
But Starfleet sent along a lovely manual,
which I have been skimming,
so you and I will be learning together.
Now, isn't that fun?
[chuckles] Sure is.
[slurps] Now, let's see here.
Table of contents. Good start. Foreword by Ambassador Spock.
Hmm, not bad. Okay, Vulcan stuff, Vulcan stuff,
Vulcan stuff... I tell you what, it would've been logical
-to find an editor. -Just so you know,
I've been studying super hard. Microbiology,
-xenobiology, astrobiology... -[chuckles]
There really are a lot of sciences, aren't there?
Too many if you ask me.
Ah, it seems like proper amount, but, uh,
what I'm saying is, I think I'm ready for the exam right now.
Oh, well, according to this, science officer training
is less about tests and more about learning to be, ooh,
"the voice of science." Cute.
But maybe it's, like, also a test?
'Cause I just really want to take a test.
Tendi, does it matter how much you know if nobody's listening?
Captains have big egos. You need to cut through that
and speak for science,
which is why you will be serving as a science officer trainee
with Captain Freeman today.
Isn't she busy with an important negotiation?
Exactly.
I want you to focus
on getting the captain's attention.
Really prove that you've got the grapes to stand up to her.
But won't that make her mad?
[laughs] Oh, definitely.
Garçon, one more round of millet
-and cut me off after that. -[groans]
[groans]
[grunts]
Whoa.
Hey, Samanthan, you want to come over here
and help me design some Galaxy-class starship engines?
Leah Brahms? No, man, no.
Think about parrises squares, think of parrises squares.
This is your fantasy?
Oh, yeah. Dr. Brahms was instrumental
in advancing warp field theory.
I need a big brain engineer
who can help me extrude some plasma
-and run some tests. -[yelps] No! Leave me alone.
Look at those stupid Carlsbadensigns.
What did they mean "screw around"?
Cali-class ships are all practically the same.
What the hell are they so smug about?
I mean, we have gotten into some pretty notable shenanigans.
Oh, please, like what?
-We tussled with mugatos. -Well, there was that Klingon
-who took off in the ship -We tussled with the Pakleds.
-and he was drunk. -Twice with the Pakleds.
And we scared the crap out of that drill instructor.
Was there a thing with time travel? Have we done
-a time travel thing? -Okay, okay, I get it,
yeah, shenanigans. You know what?
Today, we're gonna do our job
faster and better
and kick their asses Cerritosstyle.
I mean, we can try, but, I mean, they're kind of amazing.
[grunting]
[chuckles]
What the... Did you see that?
She's rubbing it in. No, I'm the one who rubs. I rub.
Okay, you know what, you're right.
Let's pick up the pace and smoke these guys.
[grunting]
-Come with me. -[gasps]
We could increase gravimetric power limits
all... night... long.
Rutherford, stay strong. Parrises squares,
ion mallet, shiny blue uniforms. [groans] Come on.
I can't believe that's tempting to you.
Yeah, these things'll have to try a lot harder
to get in my head.
Ensign Boimler. There you are.
Quick, get in, son. The Borg are attacking.
Starfleet needs that Boimler magic.
[gasps] I knew this day would come.
Yes, sir, Admiral, let's... [grunts]
-Dude, come on. -Huh? Oh, geez, sorry.
Also, a sidecar? Even in your fantasy, you're not driving?
Driving's scary. I'm a natural passenger.
Oh, hey, babe.
I was about to go yell at Ransom,
really tear him a new one for being so annoying.
Want to come watch?
Nice try, "babe," but I'll hold off
for the real deal back on the ship.
Ho-ho-okay, you and Jennifer are "babe-ing" each other now?
Uh, yeah, I mean, I guess we have been.
Aw, it's nice to see you with a girlfriend,
instead of destroying everything in your path.
She's not my girlfriend. We're just hanging out.
-We're not into labels. -Oh, I'm into labels.
I'm fine being your hot Andorian girlfriend.
Is that your fantasy?
No. Where-- No. Go find Leah Brahms. Shut up.
Ooh, somebody's blushing.
[chuckles] I think she is. I'm detecting an elevated
-heart rate. -Stop looking at my heart rate.
Okay, we have to ignore these totally inaccurate fantasies
at all costs.
Come and look at the warp core with me and Leah.
[groans]
Huh, I had no idea that Captain Maier
was going to be so fresh-faced.
What, he just graduate from the Academy yesterday?
I don't know, but word around the fleet is that
he's on the fast track to a Galaxy-class.
Uh, Captain. [chuckles] I've been researching
Captain Murakami's logs about the Scrubble,
and I think they are...
-[grunts] -Captain Maier,
your reputation precedes you.
As does yours, Captain Freeman.
I'm excited to learn from how you close this deal today.
[chuckles] Well, most of the work's already been done.
We just need to get everyone to sign off on final points.
Should only take a minute or two.
Still, it'll be good to see how
the old school knocks this out.
I'm sure we can do-- Wait, old school?
Now hold on, hold on. That is totally unfair.
We had no idea that the rocks we were studying
had any silicate life.
Well, what you call "silicate" life, we just call "life."
You do not seem alive to us.
[clears throat] Everyone, everyone, please.
Welcome to the Cerritos.
We have the treaty details you've agreed to right here.
Perhaps some refreshments?
The Scrubble thanks you, Captains.
We appreciate the respect
you both show the Scrubble, unlike these
-insolent scientists. -Hey.
May we present you with a sacred
-Scrubble totem? -FREEMAN: Oh, thank you so much.
It's-it's lovely. Captain Maier, please feel free
to take this token of respect for your collection.
Oh, I couldn't possibly, Captain Freeman.
As the more senior officer, the statue's all yours.
[laughs] Take the statue, young man.
[chuckles] No, I couldn't impose.
-Take it. -No, you.
-No, please. It's yours. -Get it away.
-[grunts, panting] -Please let me help.
I can make you a captain, Boimler.
-[both grunt] -Can you triple-check my math?
[grunting]
[cheers]
[gasps] Nailed it, babe. Let's make out.
Yo, Kearns. Five more, and we're done.
Looks like you guys have a ways to go, huh?
-[growls] -[screams, groans]
What are you doing? Come on,
-pick it up. -I think I pulled
my dominant groin.
[laughs] This is great. It's totally working.
-[grunts] -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Did you just dunk that fantasy rock?
The hell were you thinking?
Moving fast, sir. Getting the job done.
Well, slow it down. These things are dangerous.
They're not a bunch of dang basketballs.
Well, we just wanted to make sure these Carlsbadguys
didn't outpace us and make Commander Ransom look like
an ineffectual leader.
Ineffectual? Why would they say that?
Yeah, we overheard them saying Ransom was a joke, and that
his-his teams are slow, and his core is weak.
Bull[bleep]. He's got the strongest core in the fleet.
Now, hurry up. Let's move some friggin' rocks.
Let me show you how a pro
does it. Whoa. Ooh!
Uh, sir, what happens if these things break?
I'm sure it's fine. It probably just makes
a real big fantasy, right?
[chuckles] Watch out, giant ham sandwich incoming.
[screeching]
Oh, my God. Kukulkan.
-[screams] Whoa! -[roars]
My beautiful arms. [screams]
[roars]
[all scream]
What was that thing?
Guys, I don't think that was a fantasy.
I think these broken rocks are reading our nightmares.
But I don't like my nightmares.
What is that?
[laughs]
[all scream]
-[panting] -[clowns cackling]
In here, quick.
-[gasps] -Wow.
Good aim is hot. [screaming]
JENNIFER'S VOICE: I want to be exclusive! I want us
to grow old and boring and grow
orchids together, babe.
-[snarls] -[Boimler and Mariner grunting]
Settle down with me!
-Whew. -Mariner,
you might want to go back to therapy.
[screams]
[growls]
-Cerritos,come in. -[static]
Of course. It's not a real day in Starfleet
till comms get blocked.
Okay, how long before these things dissipate?
With those psychic mines broken, who knows?
We'll have to wait it out.
[sighs] We are trapped in a cave,
and your commander is armless.
I fear we will be penalized for this.
No, I will. I made us rush.
Why? We had all day.
You guys were going so fast,
we-we were trying to speed up to beat you.
[sighs] It's clear the Cerritos has a bad reputation.
We didn't want to live up to it.
Wow. I'm speechless.
Come on, don't pile on. Look, the Cerritosis actually
a really great place to serve...
No, no, I mean, we were the ones who were rushing.
What?
You guys are so cool,
and we were just trying to impress you.
Wait, you think we're cool?
Yes. The tales of your exploits are widely shared.
The Cerritosis, in fact, the coolest.
MAIER: Collecting stuff isn't really
a thing with my generation.
No disrespect, I just don't need flashy trinkets to...
It's a normal rock.
Ensign, come here, scan this thing and tell Captain Maier
-it's not flashy. -[tricorder beeps]
TENDI: Hmm, it has an anomalous
molecular composition. I'm actually
getting some pretty interesting readings...
Stop talking. It's clearly not fancy.
Ah-ha-ha, see, there you go.
A "pretty interesting" object
for a pretty experienced captain.
Captains, captains,
maybe we should get to business, what do you say?
-Take the rock. No, no. -You take it.
-MAIER: Don't you dare. No, no. -FREEMAN: It's a gift.
-Just take it. Take it! -Just take the rock!
Oh, yeah, all the Cali-class crews talk about the Cerritos.
You guys are famous.
Famous? Us? [chuckles] No way.
Come on, the Cerritosis like
the Enterprise of the support ships.
You have survived battles with the Pakleds.
You four stood strong in an alien trial.
Eh, it was more of a party, but thanks.
All the other Cali-class ships just do what they're told,
but the Cerritoskicks ass.
[sighs] We kind of freaked out when we got this mission.
We just wanted to show you that we could keep up.
[scoffs] You did more than keep up. You guys were crushing it.
-[screaming] -[hissing]
Give us your distinctiveness. [coughs]
What?
-You're scared of basketballs? -I'm not.
So, your greatest fantasy is basketball?
No, I hadn't heard the word "basketball" in years
until Stevens said it just before the nightmares showed up.
I guess the stones must've pulled that from my mind, too?
Fantasies and fears I get,
but why access that part of your brain?
Uh, there's a bunch of stuff out there that doesn't make sense.
Hey, babe. [laughs]
BOIMLER: Does Jennifer wear hats?
No, her antennae are too sensitive.
[gasps] But I did overhear Levy mansplaining
the difference between a pork pie and a fedora
to some poor cadet the other day.
These stones are recording way more than we thought.
Something in here is streaming a ton of data.
Whatever's receiving it
is back there.
[groans] Give it to me straight, Doc, is it bad?
You're fine, just relax. I need a sedative over here.
Here you go, Doctor.
What the [bleep] are you doing here?
Weren't you supposed to start
science officer stuff with Migleemo?
Yup, first day. It's going great.
-[bleep] the bed, huh? -Yes, I think that's accurate.
-Aw, geez, are you about to cry? -[sniffles]
This guy's not even crying, and his toes are getting digested.
They are?
Shut up, don't move.
I just don't know if I'm cut out to be a science officer.
I can't get the captain to listen to me.
[sighs] Okay, guess we're doing this.
Tendi, of course you're cut out for it.
That's why I recommended you.
Then why am I blowing it?
All my studying hasn't helped at all.
No, no, studying's good, but in real life
there's gonna be times when you need to make a mess of things
before you can fix them.
Like how I'm gonna have to cut this guy's foot off,
-so we can grow him a new one. -Wait, what was that?
You'll be a great officer on the bridge one day, but you're
gonna have to risk screwing things up to get there.
-You understand? -I do. Thanks, Doc.
-Good luck growing it back. -Hey,
so you were just kidding about my foot
to make a point, right? [crying]
-[yowls] -[screams]
[screams] Cave bug. We've got cave bugs in here.
Wait, look, I think this is a door.
Huh, that's not a usual thing for a cave.
Hey, there's an access panel over here.
[all gasp]
YOUNG: Whoa, what is this place?
Don't know, but this is definitely the receiver.
And some kind of storage device.
-Look. -It's storing all our thoughts.
It has our security clearances, passwords,
personal information.
My Uncle Trent drunk-dancing at my cousin's wedding.
Damn. Get it, Trent.
This thing is a literal data mine.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, but look at the equipment.
It's all Federation tech.
The outpost scientists must have installed it. But why?
Unless they and the Scrubble are...
-Working together. -We should probably
-report this, huh? -Big-time.
Hey, you think there's any chance the crazy crystal cavern
is maybe boosting comms? I don't know.
-[static] -Yeah, no, of course not.
Well, you guys lucked out.
You're getting the full Cerritosexperience today.
[grunts]
[all whooping, shouting]
[laughter]
[grunting]
[screams]
[grunts]
-[roars] -Die!
-Kearns to Carlsbad. -Boimler to Cerritos.
-Oh, I'm sorry, do you want... -I'm sorry, did I step on...?
-We need emergency-- Wow. -Requesting immediate-- O-Okay.
-I can, I can walk over there. -[stammers] Are you sure?
It's okay. No, no, it's-it's fine.
-MAIER: Just take it! -FREEMAN: No, you take it!
How about if we split it? Shaxs, phaser this thing in half.
-Now we're talking. -How dare you?
This is a sacred gift.
Why don't we just go back down to the planet
and get another one?
No. I'm running the negotiations,
-and I say Maier gets the rock. -And as your guest,
-I decline. -What is wrong with you?
Just take the thing and stick it
in the closet like everybody else.
I'm not gonna be the captain who wouldn't let Carol Freeman
have a peace treaty gift.
-FREEMAN: I don't need it. -If someone doesn't take it,
we're not signing the treaty.
Someone just take the damn thing,
so we can get this over with!
Everybody stop yelling!
-I'm having flashbacks. -MARINER: Hold on.
Everyone, stop, stop, stop. We just got back
from the planet. You have to stop this.
Mariner, what the hell are you doing?
It's true, Commander, we scanned...
Just take the rock, take the rock.
Shut up!
[all gasp]
Ensign, have you lost your mind?
Look at the damn rock.
RANSOM: Is that... Federation tech?
Those anomalous readings?
-It's an internal power source. -MARINER: Tendi's right.
These guys are working together.
They have a whole system down there
where they read minds using rocks
and store it with Federation systems.
A spy device?
And you both wanted it planted in a captain's office.
They would have heard top secret communications, deployments.
Well, this is, uh, preposterous.
I-I want to go back to my cave this instant.
Yes, yes, and I have important work to do at the outpost,
-groundbreaking stuff. -[gasps]
-[growls] -FREEMAN: Actually,
I think I'm finally ready to start this meeting.
[groans]
Great plan, genius.
FREEMAN: Captain's log, supplemental.
The animosity between the Scrubble
and Outpost 76 scientists
was a manufactured deception,
designed to distract from their plan to collect and sell
sensitive Starfleet intelligence on the black market.
Apparently, the scientists wanted
to purchase better equipment,
and the Scrubble wanted more... rocks?
[sighs] I don't get how that would-- Whatever. Anyway,
they'll both be answering to a Federation tribunal.
In recognition of their excellent teamwork,
Captain Maier and I have authorized a small celebration
for our combined crews.
[chuckles] I was, like, "Okay, Doc,
"if I was brain dead for ten minutes,
"then how come I saw a koala
sitting on a black mount...?" Wait. Where are you going?
Okay.
Looks like it's just you and me, old friend.
[screams] Gah, cinnamon schnapps.
Innkeeper, two Grimpari Sun Storms,
one for me and one for my mentee,
who made sure she was heard.
I couldn't have done it without a great mentor.
Why, thank you, Tendi.
I must admit, this new role rather suits me.
A toast, to me.
And, to a lesser extent, but also worth noting, Tendi.
[clears throat] Carol, I need to apologize for my behavior today.
I-I hope you don't think less of me.
Well, you and the Carlsbadteam
impressed the hell out of me.
In fact, I got you something.
But this is gonna record my...
Don't worry, it's been neutralized.
I know you think collecting trinkets is old-school, but...
I would be honored. Are you sure you don't want it?
Please, that's the little half.
I kept the big one for myself.
[both laugh]
You guys really lived up to your reputations today.
Wow, we had no idea anyone talked about the Cerritos.
Oh, maybe not across the fleet,
but you're definitely Cali-class famous.
Really? What do they say?
Mariner's an unstoppable force of nature.
-Truth. -Rutherford's a genius
with crazy implant powers.
-Okey dokey. -Tendi's a ray
-of optimistic sunshine. -Aw.
The only thing people get wrong is Boimler.
Let me guess, everyone thinks I'm older, right?
No, in stories you're described as a tiny comedic robot
that is always getting into trouble.
Wait, wait, wait, what do they say?
-[laughter] -Yes, that is so accurate.
-No, it's not. -I expected you to be, like,
a hovering cube or something.
Guys, you got to tell people I'm a man.
Oh, no, no. Please keep telling people he's a cube.
Mariner, no. Don't do that.
[robotic voice]: Aw, Boimler wants to be people.
BOIMLER: Guys, please, please tell them I'm people.
Guys, I'm people!
[man imitates weapons firing]
Chirp.