- Chapter 26.
Tom's 40th birthday was approaching,
and he was hoping his family would let it pass quietly.
- Lordy, Lordy, my boy is almost 40.
Here it is, Tommy. Middle age.
- All right, well, thank you for the reminder, Dad.
- Yeah, I'm just sorry I'm gonna be the only one
in town for your big day.
You know, your mom wishes she could be here.
- Yeah, well, I'd hate for her to turn down a role in a...
over-60 production of "Grease." - Yeah.
- Besides, she knows I don't like to make a big deal
about my birthday. - Tom, but this is 40.
You think they made a whole movie with that title
for no reason? You gotta do something.
- I am doing something. I'm working.
This is the deadline that I gave myself
to turn in my novel.
- Oh, you got to admire the commitment.
I mean, I wish I'd given my little stories a shot,
but, uh, nobody wants to read that stuff.
- Hey, I love "The Marshall Chronicles."
An old cop who doesn't play by the rules?
- [laughs] - Dad, the world is ready.
- Yeah, there's still time for you
and Detective Marshall Strongwood.
I always tell my students
Mark Twain was 41 when he published "Tom Sawyer."
- Same age as Bradley Cooper when he did "Aloha."
- Great flick.
- Good point.
- Marina, can I borrow your giant snack platter thing
that you never use? - Which one?
Whenever I go to Target, I buy another.
I don't know why. It's like I black out.
- Well, uh, we're having Simon,
the personal trainer slash potential donor, over.
- Ooh. I know I just met him briefly,
but I would pick him as a sperm donor
for his calves alone.
- You guys, are we really gonna let Tom's 40th go by
without doing anything big?
- You know Tom and birthday parties.
No, I'm just keeping it simple, like he wants it.
Just dinner at Gianno's.
- You guys go there for chicken Parm,
like, once a week. - Yeah.
When it's your birthday, they do double cheese.
- Okay. - What is it with Tom
and birthday parties?
- Well... - [sighs]
- When Tom was 11,
he had a party at Showbuzz PizzaTown.
But before the animatronic gorilla
could rap "Booyah, It's Your B-Day,"
Connor pantsed Tom.
To the skin. - Oh, that's bad.
- I didn't mean to do full pants.
Look, let me fix this, okay?
I'll throw Tom a party so sick,
he'll forget about the pizza trauma
and love birthdays again.
Is that a yes or... - Oh, I'm sorry.
When you guys, uh, start telling family stories,
I just kind of zone out.
- I get that.
- ♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
[light punchy music]
- Don't you need to get to your class?
- Just finishing up.
- So you're almost done with your book?
That's great. - Yeah, well,
I'm almost done writing it,
but then I have to do a grammar pass
and a semicolon pass.
I gotta make sure all the quotation marks are the--
you know, the-- - Curly ones?
- Yeah, that I like.
Plus, I also gotta figure out...
what your fictional name is gonna be.
Is it Carmen?
Is it, ooh, Celinda?
- First of all, there's no way in hell I'm a Celinda.
Second of all, sounds like you might be
avoiding turning this in. - Uh, yeah.
Of course I'm avoiding it.
After my last book tanked,
I put everything into this one.
Honestly, it's the most personal thing
I've ever written.
If this one flops too, I mean...
I don't know, maybe that's it for me as a writer.
Then what do I have?
- I don't know, I would say a beautiful wife.
Three wonderful children.
- Yeah, but what else?
Hmm. - [sighs]
- Guess that's it.
- Yeah. - Well, we tried.
♪ ♪
- Hey, came to get that platter.
I need one that tells our donor,
"I'm the ideal vessel for your DNA."
- Hi, Denise. Bye, Denise.
Love you, Isabella? Fernanda? Paulina?
- Love you, bye.
Not Fernanda.
- Is Tom okay?
Seemed like he didn't know your name just then.
- Oh, he's just going through something.
The book and his career and turning 40.
- Right, that's a lot.
Have you settled on a gift?
- A "Ghostbusters" Funko Pop!
- Okay.
I think we can beat that. [laughs]
- I doubt it. It's Annie Potts.
- You know, I think I have an idea
that'll make Tom lose his mind.
- I'm listening.
- Boudoir photos.
- Oh, pfft.
[laughs] - I'm being serious.
I took some sexy photos for Sarah
and made a page-a-day calendar.
365 days of Denise.
There were some repeats.
- I don't know, I don't feel sexy.
I just had twins, like, six minutes ago.
And some stranger taking pictures of my business?
- Okay, well, I'll take your pictures.
We've tried on bikinis for, like, five hours
in the Billabong outlet.
I've seen your business.
- And you--you've watched me giving birth.
- Yeah, yeah, that's a video I never need to see again.
♪ ♪
- Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.
Had to perform a little semicolon-oscopy.
Writer's joke, but I don't have to tell you guys.
You get it.
But, uh, today, you're gonna be reading
your stories in front of the class.
I hope everyone's ready.
- Oh, I can't wait, Teach.
[items clattering] - What's happening?
- Greetings, my name is Marshall.
Uh, last name not important.
I'm a retired gentleman visiting this town,
and I signed up to audit this class.
- What? Why? What?
- Well, I was recently inspired to pursue the writing arts,
and I'm hoping to get the ole juices flowing.
- [laughing] Okay.
Uh, can I see you in the hallway for a second,
new student?
What's happening?
- Well, after you mentioned Mark Twain and Bradley Cooper,
I dusted off "The Marshall Chronicles,"
called the admissions office.
Can you believe I'm gonna be in your class?
- No, I can't believe it.
Seems like a very... not good idea.
- Oh.
Yeah, I'm sorry, Tom.
I...guess you're right.
I'm just an old man with a dumb dream, and...
I'm leaving.
- Dad, come here. You can--you can stay, okay?
It's just a couple days.
But fair warning, these kids can be harsh.
- Oh, I can take it.
Hey, and I'll call you Professor like everybody else.
- Nobody does that.
- Well, they should.
I'll get it started.
Great advice, Professor.
- Finally settled on a theme for the party.
Tom's Sssmokin' 40th.
Got Guy Fieri's brisket and cigar restaurant
to do the food, and for DJs,
I got the Chainsmoker who actually does something.
Alexa, remind me to call my walk-in vape closet guy.
- When should I remind you? - Never.
- Okay. - Alexa,
remind me to tell Sarah she's a killjoy.
- When should I remind you?
- How 'bout in 60 seconds?
- Okay, I'll remind you in one minute.
- What's your deal? It's gonna be a great party.
- Yeah, a party that's not meant for Tom.
- Why? 'Cause of the asthma thing?
- Yeah. - Sarah,
we both know that's just in his head.
- No, it's not.
Do you really think that?
No, it's in his lungs.
And he said no fuss, okay?
You're gonna throw him a smoke-filled rager?
- Okay, no smoke. Smoke's out.
Alexa, take dry ice off my shopping list.
- I've checked off dry ice from your shopping list.
- Compromises. - Great.
And I'm sure whatever you do next will be perfect.
- Thank you.
- Conner, here is your reminder.
Tell Sarah she's a killjoy.
- Oh.
- Alexa doesn't know
we're in a different place now.
- Ready.
I put something on I bet Tom will love.
- You got something hot under that robe?
- No, I was talking about the robe.
Terry cloth really gets him going.
- Okay, Marina, this isn't just for Tom.
This is for you... - Right.
- To own your sexuality,
to feel your power.
- Yes. Yeah.
All right, let's do this.
- There she is.
Okay, so for music, what sounds sexy to you?
Some D'Angelo? Some TLC?
- What about, uh, the "Grey's Anatomy" theme?
- Are you serious? - I know.
- I've already got it up on my queue.
- Aw, stop! - [laughing] Yes.
[Psapp's "Cosy In The Rocket" playing]
[camera lens whirs]
♪ ♪
Ooh, good.
Wow, that is good.
Yeah, take those slippers off.
You don't need them. You don't need no socks.
Bite it. Your floors are squeaky-clean.
Who cares?
Oh, my gosh, so ticklish.
It's so silly.
She's having a great time.
[gasps] Where'd she go?
Hey, come back. Oh, there she is.
Peekaboo.
Who's this blonde lady?
Where'd she come from?
Yes.
Aye, aye, Captain.
I want you 20,000 leagues under me.
I think we got it. - Wow.
Denise, you have a gift. - So do you.
Look at that heinie.
- [gasps]
- Now all you have to do is print 'em out.
- Wait a second. I think we can go further.
Let me try something.
- Okay.
Oh, you're not gonna-- [zipper scratches]
You are gonna.
Okay, yeah.
♪ ♪
- As Marshall Strongwood steered the fan boat
through the swamp air, he brushed the velvet neck
of the beautiful but mature crawdad fisherwoman,
and he knew...
he was home.
- Okay, thank you for that, Marshall.
- Professor, I named the main character after myself.
- Yeah, no. No, I got that.
So, uh, before I open up the floor
for feedback, just like to remind everyone
to keep the criticism constructive, okay?
- I'll go first.
Chills.
[applause] Chills.
- Oh, okay, uh, we're all fans
of "The Marshall Chronicles: Bayou Heat"?
- Loved it, and I have a button on my bag
that says "Abolish the police."
- I never thought hearing about
someone Rob Lowe's age having sex would be hot.
But it was.
[applause]
- Wow. - Okay, we don't have
to applaud for every--
guys, we just don't have to applaud for every student.
Okay, who's up next?
- I asked, "What vegan cheeses do you have?"
And she said, "Cashew," and I said, "Bless you."
[laughter] And she laughed so hard.
- Sarah, I'm dead.
Like, you guys are so great.
- You're so great.
You know, when Denise said, "Oh, I found this guy
at the park who likes to give away his sperm,"
I was concerned, but yay.
- Well, I'm so glad.
Obviously, I have a few questions before we move ahead.
- Okay, sure.
- Just basics, like background,
lifestyle, extracurriculars.
- Extracurriculars? - Yeah, yeah.
I have to know what kind of life
I'd be helping to create.
Well, can't just run around making kids with whomever,
right? - Oh, right.
Of course. I get that.
- The last couple I donated to were opera singers,
which was great for me.
I'm a huge Puccini freak.
- Oh. - So are we.
We have season tickets.
Yeah, Puccini, Rossini.
All the "inis" all the time over here.
- All the time.
- Thank you for letting me use your fancy printer.
- No prob. - I've got this, uh--
this important work presentation.
- Sounds good. Hey, can I run something by you
for Tom's birthday party?
- Oh, yeah.
- Okay, so, um, I know a guy who knows a guy
who knows will.i.am.
- Nope. - Okay.
Cool. Great feedback, thank you.
[printer whirring]
- Oh, you're bad.
"The Alabaster Killer's trail had gone cold
as day-old gumbo"?
- Hey-o.
- Oh, my God.
Marshall. - [laughs]
Sounds like you got a chunk of the next chapteroo
I'm taking to Tom's class.
- I will put your page right there.
- Okay, thank you. - Yes, thank you.
- You want to know what languages we speak.
Well, uh, that makes total sense.
Basically English.
- And Korean. - No way.
My boyfriend was born in Busan.
- Was he? [laughs] - Oh.
- Well, tell him I said...
[speaking Korean]
- Nice, I will tell him to put on his dancing shoes.
Pretty good. Being multilingual
is a huge plus for me.
Uh, do you guys travel? - Well, last summer,
the kids dragged us to Six Flags.
- Flaags, yeah.
Flaags being the, uh, rating system
for Finnish ski hotels, so a six-flaag hotel
would be a really good one. - Yep.
- Wow, you guys are so worldly.
I--well, um, I need... - Yes.
- To go use the, uh... [speaking Korean]
Which, of course, Denise knows is the...
- Butcher shop. - Bathroom.
- But when I get back,
we have to talk skiing.
- Have to. - Of course.
- The guest bath
is down the hall to the left.
- Oh, awesome.
BRB. [laughter]
- [laughs]
Guest bath? That is our only bath.
Why are you lying, and how do you know Korean?
- It's from a K-pop song Shamiah loves.
I'm sorry, I panicked.
I just wanted to impress him, but I'll stop.
- Yeah. - Wow, I love your hand towels.
- They were a gift from the governor.
I'm sorry.
- Don't let this ruin your birthday.
Your dad is only sitting in for a week, and besides,
college kids don't know anything about good writing.
- You're right. That's why I'm gonna read
some of my novel today.
Show 'em what good writing really is.
- There you go.
And remember, the most important thing is--
[phone buzzing] Ooh, Denise is calling.
Call you back. - Wait, what--what--
what were you gonna say? - So how'd they turn out?
- They're so good.
I am so hot.
I'm not sure about the Yoda ears, though.
- Go crazy your husband will.
- Oh, wait a second.
Um, I'm missing one of the pictures.
- Which one? - Um, the one.
- [gasps] The Full Marina?
- I...
I must've left it in Connor's office
when I ran out because, um--
'cause Marshall was there.
He was printing out a chapter to read in Tom's class.
- Oh, my God. - Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God!
- "As they danced to the steel drum music,
"Tim realized they had pulled it off
"by upholding the most important tradition
"of all: Turning Thanksgiving
into their special day of fighting."
That's from an upcoming novel by a contemporary of mine.
Might not have a 70-year-old judo expert
punching alligators, but hopefully you guys found it
a little more...I don't know, literary.
[laughs] Thoughts?
- Yeah, I just didn't relate to any of the characters.
- Huh, okay.
Uh, any--any of them?
- I guess Colin's okay,
but is he supposed to be, like, a suave tech guy
or a huge doofus?
I honestly can't tell.
- And that sister, I mean, is that
how the author thinks feminists talk?
- No, I know the author.
He's a feminist. He's an ally.
But Tara can just be so Tara.
Trust me, she's a lot.
- She's the worst.
- No way.
Hands down, it's Tim.
- Oh, well.
What's wrong with Tom--with Tim?
What's wrong with Tim? - Where do I even start?
I mean, like, he's out of touch.
- Uh-huh. - Unlikable.
- Uh-huh. - And I'm sorry,
but I just don't buy that a grown man
can't get the lid off a jar of salsa.
- He can. I mean...[laughs]
He can, it's just, his wife knows the trick
to do it faster. - Well, Professor,
I found Marvin, the dad character,
to be pretty groovy.
- Mm-hmm. - Yeah. He was great.
- You should tell your friend
to write a book about him instead.
- Well, I can't. He's dead.
So moving on, uh, have you guys had a chance
to read "The Bell Jar"?
No? No one. Okay, fantastic.
[inhales sharply, groans heavily]
- This time, I got it.
Who's Tom's favorite author?
- Kurt Vonnegut. - What?
Thought it was Dean Koontz.
Great, now I gotta cancel his flight.
- Are you sure that you don't need help with this party?
Because we are kinda down to the wire here.
- No, I'm the one who ruined
his big birthday at Showbuzz PizzaTown.
It's gotta be me.
- Con, that was, like, three decades ago.
It's time to put PizzaTown behind us.
- You're right.
That's the only way.
I gotta go. - Oh, all right.
- Lulu, Simon just texted.
We impressed him, and he's in.
- Oh, that's great.
But, um, wasn't he impressed by fake us?
- I don't think we were fake.
- You invited him to our Napa cottage,
which does not exist.
- So I let a few stories get out of hand.
- Mm. - But he's the perfect donor.
I didn't want to lose him.
- Yeah, no. Me neither.
But if we have to lie about who we are to make this work,
then is he really perfect for us?
- I guess not.
You really believed you're an Olympic fencer.
- Hey, Tom? Tommy?
I thought what you read was dynamite.
And that character of Tim, that guy's the real deal.
- Well, I think you're in the minority, Dad.
But thank you. I gotta get going.
- Oh--oh--
Love ya.
Aw, shoot.
- Oh, no. Am I too late? Is Tom gone?
- You just missed him. - Oh.
- He's very upset, Marina.
- Oh, no. This is a nightmare.
- The class was not ready for that.
- Ah. - Art is subjective,
but those kids were so mean.
- Mean? You mean they didn't like it?
- I'm surprised, too, 'cause it was right up my alley.
- Ah! - I said to Tom,
"Look, Tommy, buddy, this is great.
You got something so special here."
- No! No, stop.
- Yeah. - Can I, uh,
just have my photo back, please?
- Photo? - You know.
The Full Marina.
- [laughing] What?
- Oh, oh. Did--did you not--
did you not read your chapter to the class?
- Uh, no, because after Tom read some of his book,
I didn't think it was a good idea.
[laughing] What?
- It's not here. - What's not here?
- Nothing, just I am so glad
that there is nothing inappropriate in that.
- Au contraire, I think you'll find
that Detective Strongwood's lovemaking
with the lady police chief is pretty graphic.
Page 11 to 26.
No? - I gotta go.
- Uh, thank you so much for meeting with us.
- Oh, well, thanks for the Peanut Butter Blast.
Although you didn't have to peanut butter me up.
I already said I'd be your donor.
- Well, we wanted to clear something up first.
When you asked us about our extracurriculars,
we may have extra-exaggerated.
- Lied. We lied.
- Oh. - We just were nervous
that we weren't gonna measure up to your sperm standards.
We've never been to the Alps.
- Yeah, we don't own property.
We don't even have two bathrooms.
If you're noticing a theme here,
it's because those things require money,
which we don't have much of; that's kind of how
we got here in the first place.
- Wow. Uh, okay. - Yeah.
- Uh, well, but thanks for coming clean.
But it doesn't matter to me if you have money or not.
I mean, all that matters is,
you care about being good parents.
- Really? - Yeah.
So the offer stands.
- [laughs] Simon.
That is such a relief. - Yeah.
Now we don't have to keep lying to you about everything.
[laughter] - Exactly.
Wait, who are you, NASA?
- Ooh. [laughter]
Yeah, oh, oh.
Wait, what?
- Come on, you don't actually believe we went to the moon.
[laughter]
- You're still laughing, so it's unclear
if you're being serious or not.
- Uh, I'm as serious as the Earth is flat.
Humans can't survive in space.
I've done my own research.
- You know, we have to go.
- Our Napa cottage is on fire. - Yeah.
- Whoops. [laughter]
That's crazy.
We just got an alert, so bye.
- That was exactly
the low-key double-cheese chicken-Parm birthday
that I wanted. Thank you so much.
Let's get the kids from Lupe. - Wait, wait.
First I--I have a gift.
- [sighs]
- I'm sorry you had a tough week.
Maybe this will cheer you up.
- Come on, I thought we said n--
oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God, is this you?
I mean--I mean, I know this is you, but...
- I know, I was surprised too.
Do you like it?
Tom? - What? No.
Yeah, oh, my God. No, I love it.
I love it. Oh, and the robe that I like.
Oh, Marina, this is the most incredible gift
that I've ever received.
- Oh, well, there's more.
- More than this? - Last night
after you went to bed,
I stayed up reading your book.
- Oh. - Honey, it's the best thing
you've ever written.
[soft music]
- You don't have to say that. - No, it's true.
You know I didn't like "Jeremiah's Plan."
- Yeah, you have said that a lot.
- Yeah. No, this new one,
it's--it's honest.
It's funny.
It's relatable. It's--
Who cares what these college kids thought?
The book is incredible.
♪ ♪
- Well, not as incredible as these photos.
Oh, my God, the pirate one. Okay.
- Yeah. - Let's get those kids
and get you home right now.
- Well... - What?
all: Surprise!
- Oh, my God.
- It's the party of your childhood dreams.
Welcome to Showbuzz PizzaTown.
- This is unbelievab--
Is that the real thing?
- Yep, it's an original Burt Silverbackarach.
Poor guy's been sitting in a warehouse for 20 years,
but I think he's still got the Showbuzz magic.
- Gorillas should not wear people clothes.
- Connor worked really hard on this.
- All by himself.
- Happy birthday, Tom.
- Oh, my God. - [laughs]
- Yeah, we had nothing to do with this.
- He can play all the hits from 1993.
And that's about it, so I hope you're cool with that.
- I'm more than cool with it.
Thank you, brother.
[remote beeps] - ♪ Informer ♪
- Oh. - ♪ Ya no say daddy me ♪
♪ Snow me I go blame ♪ - Oh, oh, yeah.
[people cheering]
- Ready, ready? - Go, Burt.
It's my birthday.
- ♪ A licky boom boom down ♪
- ♪ Hey, yo, sweetie ♪
- Oh.
- You're bad. You're bad. - So close.
- You're not close. It wasn't close.
- ♪ Tryin' to hold my own ground ♪
- ♪ Yeah, I think I like how that sound ♪
♪ What you say we gets to know each other better? ♪
- ♪ That's sounds good, but I don't think ♪
♪ That I can let ya ♪ - ♪ I don't know ♪
♪ Tell me is it so? ♪ - Here we go.
- ♪ Do you get a kick out of tellin' brothers no? ♪
- ♪ No, it's not that, see, you don't understand ♪
[electricity crackling] ♪ I got a--got a--got a man ♪
- [screams] - ♪ Boom boom down ♪
- Daddy? [mechanical whirring]
- Don't look in his eyes.
Just don't look into his eyes.
- They said it rarely does this.
That's a lot of smoke. Go, go, go, go.
Go, go, go. Get down, get down.
Get down! - This is what happens
when you play God.
[electricity crackling] - Oh, well.
Gonna be tough to part ways with my boy Burt here,
but he's my gift to you.
- Oh, no. He belongs here.
You're his family. - No, Tom.
I insist.
- No, he won't fit in my car.
Also, he's...
terrifying. [mechanical whirring]
Oh. - Ooh. [laughs]
- Doesn't seem right. - That's all you, bud.
- I found that birthday card you left here.
For Tom? It got stuck in the printer.
- Oh, the birthday card for Tom.
- Mm-hmm. - Yes.
Thank you, Lupe. Thank you.
- Ooh, cool, we signing a card for Tom?
Right on, man. - No, no, no! [screams]