- Happy Tofurky Day, everyone.
- Yeah, who's ready to celebrate
the shameful legacy of colonialism?
- Okay, Sarah, coming in hot.
- Yeah, sorry, I'm just a little...keyed up.
It's not every day that you have to introduce your parents
to your dad's secret child.
- Guys, I know that Thanksgiving
is traditionally our special day of fighting,
but it doesn't have to be.
Let's welcome Harmony into our family
with dignity and zero drama.
- Mm...
- Can't wait. - If you say so.
- Come on, you guys, we can do this.
Harmony gets here an hour before Mum and Dad.
That gives us plenty of time to prep her
for Mum's reaction-- sorry, overreaction.
- Should we have done this in a public place,
you know, so that Mum can't have a freak-out?
- Do you think an audience of strangers is gonna stop her?
- Do you not recall
the container-store meltdown of 2015?
- Yeah. No, I'm grasping at straws.
- Guys, let's keep it positive around the kids.
Hey, guys, you excited to me your new half-aunt, Harmony?
- Is she called a love child
because Grandpa loves making babies?
- How many love babies does Grandma have?
- If Grandpa dies, does Harmony get any money?
- Where does Harmony stand politically,
and how soon can we get into that?
- This is gonna be a fun Thanksgiving.
[chuckles]
[upbeat music]
- ♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
- [exhales deeply] - Man, Harmony's running late.
And it's really cutting into our prep time.
I need 20 minutes alone
just to describe all of Mum's different smiles.
- Ear to ear, run in fear. - Showing teeth...
also run in fear.
- Guys, we knew today could be rough,
so Denise and I planned some activities
to help keep things light.
- And to avoid a emotional free-for-all--
a Normals Agenda, if you will.
- We pulled some classic board games to play
as a low-stakes icebreaker.
- Ooh, Monopoly? - Absolutely not Monopoly.
- And the kids are gonna put on a little talent show
just to provide a positive,
noncontroversial focus for everyone.
Plus, if things go sideways,
we have a foolproof distraction.
- Baby bomb! [scattered chuckles]
- Can't have awkward tension with these guys around.
- Nah, I bet we can do it.
[door opens] - Hey-o!
- Hello. - Hi, bro.
- Hey. Harmony, you're here. [camera shutter clicking]
- With Mum and Dad. - At the same time.
- Hi, fam.
- So, uh, how did this, um...
Did you guys just bump into each other in the driveway?
- Oh, no, no, Tommy.
Your mother and I got so excited, we got jumpy,
and we texted Harmony a few days ago,
and we have just hit it off great.
- Before we knew it, she was flying into Sacramento
to see us early.
- I just wanted to spend some quality time
with my bio-dad and my bonus mum.
- I'm a bonus mum. [all chuckle]
- Wow. So we don't even have to introduce you.
- And I'm sorry I didn't tell you.
We just got so caught up in the fun, and then we thought,
"Why not just surprise them right after we"...
all: "Escape from Alcatraz"?
- You guys went to Alcatraz? It's, like, my favourite prison.
- Oh, my God, it was so cool. We saw Al Capone's cell.
- Well, more like Al Ca-phone. [laughter]
It's an inside joke. [laughter continues]
- You guys already have inside jokes.
That's... that's great. [camera shutter clicks]
- Oh, and I couldn't show up without some presents
for my new nieces and nephews.
- That is so thoughtful.
- She's so special, this one.
- Dad, you're really snapping away there, aren't you?
- Hey, you got to capture
these first few precious moments, Tommy.
They're so fleeting.
- Oh, that's a framer.
[quirky music]
- Well, she seems to be getting along great with Mum and Dad.
- Yeah, which is weird because we don't get along great
with Mum and Dad. - Yeah, what's her deal?
- Ah, I almost forgot.
My small contribution to Thanksgiving--
it's a vegan Brie
from a local, Black-owned, gender-progressive fromagerie.
- Really? I love all those words.
- Well, it's delicious and healthy.
[chuckles] Speaking of, did I spy a gym back there?
- Yeah. You lift or...?
- I'm more into high-intensity interval training
mixed with rock climbing. - Stop.
I was thinking about putting a rock-climbing wall in there.
- No. - Yeah.
- You've got to. - I will.
- Yeah, but nothing beats bouldering in Boulder,
'cause Colorado--it's not just about fitness.
Like, it's also about communing with nature.
We need the tonic of wildness.
- Are you quoting Thoreau? - Guilty.
I reread "Walden" every year.
You know, working for the National Parks,
I'm mostly in the company of books,
which I guess makes me a bit of a nerd.
- Well, I Thoreau-ily disagree.
- [laughs]
Okay, well, I'm gonna put this in the fridge
before it starts leaking.
- [exhales sharply]
- Um, I think I figured out her deal.
She's freakin' awesome.
- [whispering] Why do I love her so much?
- Maybe because she's exactly like all of us.
- [normal voice] That's it. That's why.
- Yeah.
And we're the best.
- So here's a video
of Harmony when we stopped for gas.
- She was so tuckered out, she fell asleep in the back seat.
[laughter] - Aw.
- Wow. She's really fitting in.
- Yeah, it's great. - So great.
- Although I was hoping we'd have another outsider
to join our team. - Hi, half-in-laws.
- Oh. Hey. - Hey.
So how's your first Hayworth Thanksgiving going?
- Good, I think. I mean, I don't know.
I don't really have much to compare it to.
- Oh, everyone here loves you. You're a hit.
I mean, we're embarrassed
that we thought you were Tom's stalker the first night we met.
- No worries.
I was so amped up, I would've thought I was a stalker.
But then again, I listen to way too many crime podcasts.
- Shut up! You like true crime?
What's your fave-- murders, kidnappings?
- Stealing someone's identity to bilk an elderly woman
out of her Nazi gold? - Oh, those are so much fun.
- Oh, I'm into all of it.
I am obsessed with noir--
both the crime kind and Pinot.
Who wants a top-off?
- I love her. - I think we love her.
- Let's lock her in.
- So, Harmony, we're playing teams.
And FYI, I was a runner-up on Teen "Jeopardy!"
So I guess if you want to win,
then you should maybe play with me.
[chuckles] - Yeah, and if you don't mind
hearing this every time you get a wrong answer...
both: "Oh, boy."
- They're just jealous because I'm undefeated.
Come. Join me.
- Or--or if you just want to have fun,
pull up a chair and join your new partners in crime.
- Sometimes we forget we're even playing the game.
- No, I'm so sorry, gang, but Harmony's already on a team.
- Yeah, but it's so nice to be wanted.
- You three chuckleheads, why don't you be your own team?
- Fine, but don't say we didn't warn you.
[exhales sharply]
Come on, big money, no whammies.
- Wait, wait, hold your horses there, Conny.
Not your turn yet.
- But I always go first.
- The youngest goes first. Harmony.
- Oh, no, it's okay.
- She's older than me.
Conny, you know what your mother meant.
The newest goes first.
- [scoffs]
Okay, fine, but I already blew on them, so...
- Oh, thank you.
- Looks like there's a new baby in the family, huh?
- First question--
what ocean surrounds the Madeira Islands?
- Mm...
Well, they're a part of Paraguay.
I'm gonna say... the Atlantic?
- That's right. - Yes! Wow!
[laughter]
- Kind of a softball.
I mean, there are only so many oceans, but--
Hey, good job.
- Next question--
- The quadratic equation?
Gadsden Purchase.
"Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo"?
The Manhattan Project? The Komodo dragon.
"Jack and the Beanstalk." Tectonic plates.
A motorcycle. "Fiddler on the Roof."
Whitney Houston. "White Men Can't Jump"!
- Somebody call Mensa.
You know, you could be on regular "Jeopardy!"
- Dad. - Dad.
- Okay, so, um...
Harmony again.
In which American Indian tribe--
Ugh, this--these cards are out of date.
It should be Native American tribe.
- Actually, I believe the preferred term
is "Indigenous peoples."
[chuckles]
Harmony taught me that on our drive from Sacramento.
- And you listened? - Oh, boy.
- Muriel is so eager to learn.
- And did you know that the celebration of Thanksgiving
is actually very problematic.
You should do some research, Sarah.
- Gah--I should do some research.
- Sarah, sweetie, you should try this vegan Brie.
Delicious. - I know.
I've been trying to get you to eat that for years.
- I don't think so.
[chuckles] - She's gonna blow.
- I think it's time to move on to another question.
Which best-selling American author
also won an Oscar for the adaptation of his novel?
- John Updike. Easy. - Tom, it is not your turn.
- She's getting all the easy questions.
- Actually, I think it's John Irving.
- Right again. - Yes.
- Oh. [laughter]
- Sorry, what's happening? - It's an easy mistake--
Updike, Irving, both titans of their craft.
- What are--Who--What are-- What's going on?
- You have swept the board, chipmunk.
- Ah. [chuckles] - [grunts goofily]
- Oh, how cute. - Dad, enough with the camera.
She's not a toddler. And I'm the chipmunk.
- I've been telling them about smallpox blankets for years.
- Irving. Of course, it's Irving.
[dramatic music]
- Baby bomb.
- Look at their little bow ties.
- Oh, my gosh!
- This is, like, a freakin' disaster.
[door opens]
- Okay, is Harmony impressive? Absolutely.
- No doubt. - Clearly.
- But what is going on with Mum and Dad?
They're, like, obsessed. - It's embarrassing.
- And they took her to Alcatraz?
- And they got all these little inside jokes?
[stammers] Sorry, they don't make any sense, guys.
- Yeah, and Mum is using terms like "unhoused population."
I mean, she spends a couple hours in the car with Harmony,
and all of a sudden, they're not hobos anymore.
- And I'm still the youngest,
but they're treating me like I'm some kind of middle child.
What am I, a Sarah? - Ugh.
- You'll always be a baby to me.
- Thank you, Lupe. That means a lot.
- Hey, how's everything going?
Do you think it's time to start the talent show?
- Yeah, we really don't want to blow this, you know.
Harmony is very important to us.
To you.
- To all of us. - Exactly.
I mean, who cares which alliance she chooses?
- What the hell are you talking about?
- Hey, should we start the talent show?
- And the talent agent says, "What do you call yourselves?"
And they go, "The Aristocrats."
[Marshall and Muriel chuckle]
Ah, it's a thinker.
Okay, performing first today, we have Kelvin, who will be...
"throwing down some Gucci moves."
[electronic music plays, cheering]
- I asked the kids to stretch this out.
We just need everyone distracted until dinner.
- Oh, I gave Kelvin half a Red Bull,
so he can go all day.
♪ ♪
- ♪ And the rockets' red glare ♪
♪ The bombs bursting in air ♪
- My mum said she doesn't know how to braid hair.
She's so focused on Harmony,
she's completely ignoring her actual daughter.
- Sarah? - Yeah.
- ♪ Oh, say does that... ♪
- You go, baby! Whoo!
♪ ♪
- You got this, honey.
- Remember, focus on the white corners.
She had this at home.
♪ ♪
[Rubik's cube thuds]
Good--good effort!
- So, uh...
who here plays Roblox?
Don't you hate it
when you just finished building your house in Bloxburg,
but then all your friends leave to go play Piggy?
[laughter]
- [whispering] I don't get it at all.
- Okay, what else? What else?
[indistinct chatter]
- [normal voice] I guess Harmony's pushing us out.
- We're being put out to pasture.
- Remember when we were kids?
Put on a goofy talent show like this
just to get Mum and Dad's attention?
We should do that again.
[all chuckling]
♪ ♪
Idaho--Gem State. Washington--Evergreen State.
Nevada--Silver State.
- Should we stop him?
Should we? Yes. Can we? No.
- New Mexico-- the Land of Enchantment.
- Go, Tommy! - Kansas--Sunflower State.
Texas--Lone Star State. And that's all 50.
Unh! What?
What?
- Boom!
Boom! Boom!
- That's my chipmunk. Look at him go!
- 91, 92...
- [Southern accent] No, Frederick,
I shall not be tossed aside,
not I, who have sacrificed my stature and position
to look after your insufferable cousin.
- She's been going on for eight minutes.
- Oh, she knows the whole play.
- Oh, no, this is freaking Harmony out.
- But this could be an opportunity for the Normals.
Harmony.
Hey, there. [chuckles] You good?
- Could you point me toward the bathroom?
I-I thought I'd found it,
but then, actually, it was more like an indoor ball pit?
- Oh, right. Yeah, that's Connor's indoor ball pit.
Hey, just real quick--
uh, you know we're not like them.
- Like who? - Like the Hayworths.
- Yeah. I mean, we love them. We do.
Um, but they have very fragile egos.
- And we do love them,
but they just make everything about themselves,
like holidays, regular days, Honda Days.
- Again, we love them so much,
but they're a bunch of freaks.
- It has been a little overwhelming, honestly.
I mean, I spend my days with black-tailed swallows,
and I guess it's different being in the middle
of a big family with big personalities.
- "Big personalities." Wow, that is very diplomatic.
- Harmony, you can be real with us.
We're like you. We're normal.
- [chanting] One of us, one of us.
both: One of us. - Bathroom.
both: One of us, one of us.
- So take me away, Mr. Constable.
I will blissfully serve my time!
[exhales deeply] Scene.
- Oh, wonderful. - Yes!
- Brava! Brava!
[laughter and chatter]
- Stop. Guys, stop.
More. Just kidding. [Sarah and Tom chuckle]
Well, I'd say mission accomplished.
- We might be too talented. - Right?
- Mum and Dad were frickin' into it.
- We should do this every week.
- Well, turkey time?
- Well, no--hey, hold on.
Harmony hasn't shared her talent.
- Oh, no, no, no, that--that's okay.
They were all amazing, and I can't compete with that.
- Yeah, we don't want to put her on the spot.
- Yeah, and it's not a competition, anyway.
- Yeah, it's not a competition.
- Guys, I don't have any special talents.
- Oh, don't be modest. Everybody has a special talent.
Mine is acting, directing, and writing.
I know you have something.
- Mum, she said she's not talented,
so, you know, we should respect that.
- I guess I could do some bird calls.
- Great. - Yes.
- Yeah, yeah, bird calls. - Harmony.
- Yeah. - Okay.
- Bird calls...okay. [chuckles]
- Let's go, Harmony. Whoo!
[applause] - Shh. Shh.
[soft music]
- What's happening?
[imitating birds calling flawlessly]
♪ ♪
[imitates bird cooing]
- She's like a real-life Snow White.
♪ ♪
- We have to have her on our team.
- She's more powerful than I imagined.
- [quietly] Thank you.
- Wow!
I have never been so proud! - Whoo! Beautiful!
- That was beautiful.
[applause continues] - Huh.
- Whoa. [scoffs]
- Next time I'll plan something.
- She's better... at everything.
- I'm no longer the favourite child.
- Ah, I don't think you were the favourite.
- Hey, neither of you were the favourite.
- Uh, get real, Sarah. - It definitely wasn't you.
- What are you talking about?
- I literally have an email from Mum right here.
"Tom, you are my favourite." - Check this out.
"Baby boy Connor, you're my favourite.
Love, Mum."
- Mine probab-- [clears throat]
Mine probably went to spam, 'cause my--my phone's so old.
- Yeah, well, that doesn't matter.
Harmony's been getting all the emails now.
- You know what? I deleted it. I remember now.
I-I deleted it, so it's gone forever.
- Sure.
- Can you do other animals?
- We would love to hear a dolphin.
- [taps on glass] Okay.
Hope I can get through this without the water works.
Today's so special.
I've always said I could never love my children more,
but as it turns out, I could love more children.
- Oh. - So glad Harmony stalked Tom
at his book reading and entered our lives.
She's so smart and generous, and for that, I am so thankful.
So happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
- Hear, hear. - Cheers.
- So true, Dad. [taps glass] So... so true.
Not only is Harmony socially conscious
and good at bird stuff,
but she has also made Mum happier than I've seen her
since she turned my childhood bedroom into a craft room...
[laughing] Which she has never used, not once.
It doesn't get good lighting. - [taps on glass]
If I could just kind of piggyback
onto Sarah's lovely toast...
Um, I love the positive effect
that Harmony's having on our family,
especially Mum and Dad.
I bet if she went to Space Camp,
you wouldn't have been two hours late picking her up.
Right? [chuckles] - That was 30 years ago, Tommy.
- If I had been in space, I would've died, okay?
- All right, Tom, Sarah, let's chill.
I think we're all missing the point here.
It's Thanksgiving--we should be thankful for what we have,
which is a roof over our heads, food on the table,
and the fact that Mum and Dad
have clearly found someone they love more than us.
- Oh, no, that is unkind. - D-a-amn.
- Uncalled for, Conny. - It's very called for!
- Okay, we don't need to get so worked up.
- Tom, you are being a child.
- [mockingly] Tom, you are being a child.
- Do we have to do this on Indigenous Peoples Day?
- That's Columbus Day.
- I don't celebrate Columbus. He's a coloniser.
- I know!
- Should I say grace? I'm happy to say grace.
- Dad, why aren't you filming this, huh?
Why don't you get your frickin' camcorder?
Baby's first Thanksgiving, right, Dad?
- [imitates bird screeching]
What is wrong with you people?
Do you not hear yourselves?
You know, I came here trying to make a good impression on you,
but--but it turns out you're a bunch of maniacs.
You're fighting over board games,
and you're--you're competing for your parents' affection
by horning in on a kids' talent show?
- Wasn't necessarily just for kids.
- It said it on the sign. - True.
- I was looking so forward
to having my first big family Thanksgiving
with siblings and parents
and two different green-bean dishes
that no one likes anyway, and instead, I got this?
- Harmony, we are so sorry.
- They should be ashamed of themselves.
- Oh, like you two can even talk,
making mean jokes about your entire family
behind their back?
And I'm gonna say it-- you guys drink too much wine.
- [gasps] - [gasps]
- Okay.
I'm sorry. I should've--
I should've never come here today.
Although Alcatraz was really fun.
[somber music]
[door opens, closes] - [sighs]
♪ ♪
- [imitates bird cooing]
- Hey, Harmony...
Harmony's friend.
- Susan. - Right.
Look, we're sorry we let things get so out of control,
fighting over our parents like that.
- Yeah, they were just trying to make you feel welcome,
and it just stirred up some insecurities in us
that really have--have nothing to do with you.
- Sorry for botching your first Hayworth Thanksgiving.
- Thanksgiving was just never really a big deal
for me growing up.
It was always just me and my mum.
My cousins died in the mine.
I don't know--maybe I just put too much pressure on today,
and then--yeah, then I went and ruined it.
- Hey, you didn't ruin anything.
Come here, sis.
- Are we gonna talk about the mine?
- You know what proves that you're a Hayworth
more than any DNA test?
The fact that you joined in on our special day of fighting.
- Yeah, you're definitely one of us.
- Aw, thank you, 'cause you really pissed me off.
[all chuckle]
- Yeah, I never should've coined that term--
"our special day of fighting."
It keeps haunting us. - Uh, what?
You didn't.
I did, the year that you threw candied yams at Connor.
- Excuse me, I coined it
on the Thanksgiving when we went to Ming Garden
and you stormed out
'cause I put duck sauce in your iced tea.
- Candied yams was well before duck iced tea.
- No, no, no, no, candied yams was after--
- No, it was--because we went to Six Flags that year.
- We didn't go to Six Flags that year.
- It happened at Six Flags.
I remember because I'm the oldest.
It happened when we went to Six Flags.
- So this year,
we're rooting for the Cavalier King Charles Spaniel--
small package, tons of personality.
- I don't know. I've got my eye on the Maltese.
- She may be a half-Hayworth,
but she's also sort of half-Normal.
- And half bird.
- [snickers] [laughter]
We're not mean, are we? - Mm-mm.
[indistinct chatter on TV]
- You know, Harmony, you should come for Christmas.
- Oh, we go all out.
Yeah, one year I paid Tim Allen to fall off my roof.
- [whispering] It wasn't Tim Allen.
- Ah--[sighs] That is such a nice invitation.
- But you're not coming.
- Yeah, I think it might be a little soon.
I mean, I-I've had so much fun with you guys,
but, you know, your family's a lot.
- Yeah, we've heard that before.
- Yeah, for sure, for sure.
- [whispering] But we're still taking you
- [mouthing words]
[cheers and applause, indistinct chatter on TV]
- Oh, okay, you'll love this.
You ever try negotiating your bedtime?
Yeah, how'd that go?
I heard about this puberty thing,
and, uh, no, thanks.
You guys like impressions? - Yeah.
- Yes! - All right.
- Tell me if you know this one.
[clears throat]
[imitates crying] Boo-hoo!
Nobody likes my book!
- Oh! [laughter]
- That is messed up.
- Being a mum is so hard!
- [laughs] - Oh, no.
- Where do I recycle my soy milk?
- [laughing]
They're just like that. [snorts]