1 00:00:06,981 --> 00:00:09,381 Do you boys know what these are? 2 00:00:09,421 --> 00:00:11,341 If they're the keys to the cold store, 3 00:00:11,381 --> 00:00:14,981 it was not us that stole the mozzarella and sold it on eBay, was it? 4 00:00:15,021 --> 00:00:18,221 These are the keys... 5 00:00:18,261 --> 00:00:22,101 ..to the kingdom. Ahh. 6 00:00:22,141 --> 00:00:24,901 The kingdom of what? The kingdom... 7 00:00:24,941 --> 00:00:29,901 ..of wealth beyond your wildest dreams. Ahh. 8 00:00:33,101 --> 00:00:36,301 Mario is giving you the opportunity 9 00:00:36,341 --> 00:00:42,301 to get in on the ground floor of a very new and exciting... 10 00:00:42,341 --> 00:00:44,021 ..business opportunity. 11 00:00:46,301 --> 00:00:48,421 Fat Loss Water? 12 00:00:48,461 --> 00:00:50,301 Fat Loss Water. 13 00:00:50,341 --> 00:00:53,581 It's like holy water for the...the fat people. 14 00:00:53,621 --> 00:00:57,221 What? No. You're not experimenting on me, big man. Hey. 15 00:00:57,261 --> 00:00:58,821 Hey. Nuh-uh. Mm-mm. 16 00:00:58,861 --> 00:01:01,701 You don't talk about my best friend like that. OK? 17 00:01:01,741 --> 00:01:04,541 Number one, you're not fat. You're cuddly. 18 00:01:04,581 --> 00:01:08,541 Very nice and cuddly, like a big old jolly panda. 19 00:01:08,581 --> 00:01:11,861 And two, Mario does not want you to drink it. 20 00:01:11,901 --> 00:01:17,381 He wants you...to be part of its success story. 21 00:01:17,421 --> 00:01:20,621 Nah, man, it's just like one of them long diets, innit? 22 00:01:20,661 --> 00:01:24,301 When you can only eat between 10 and 10.30, then nothing for five days. 23 00:01:24,341 --> 00:01:27,461 No, my Fat Loss Water is precision engineered 24 00:01:27,501 --> 00:01:32,181 to assist meta-lobically in the reduction of fatty fat bastard build-up. 25 00:01:32,221 --> 00:01:35,381 That's science, bro. That is, er, science, bro. 26 00:01:35,421 --> 00:01:38,541 You don't even know what it means. No, but it's science words. 27 00:01:38,581 --> 00:01:42,221 Metalobic - it's a science word. How can you argue with that, bruv? 28 00:01:42,261 --> 00:01:44,901 I buy this for £1 a bottle. 29 00:01:44,941 --> 00:01:47,581 I sell it for £5 a bottle. 30 00:01:47,621 --> 00:01:52,021 I sell 575 bottles in my first week. 31 00:01:53,061 --> 00:01:56,101 How much is that? 50,602. 32 00:01:56,141 --> 00:01:58,981 Erm, shut up. It's... Six times five is... 33 00:01:59,021 --> 00:02:03,341 ..30. Two... Ten times 30... You're just saying random numbers, bro. 34 00:02:03,381 --> 00:02:05,581 Let people count at least. Oh, my days. 35 00:02:05,621 --> 00:02:07,821 Yo. 36 00:02:07,861 --> 00:02:09,861 You like it? 37 00:02:09,901 --> 00:02:11,301 BOTH: Yeah. 38 00:02:11,341 --> 00:02:14,621 This is a very limited opportunity 39 00:02:14,661 --> 00:02:18,061 and you must be quick to register your interest or... 40 00:02:21,541 --> 00:02:25,101 ..Fatty don't eat. Why are you looking at me, like? 41 00:02:33,741 --> 00:02:38,301 Whoa. Could make that much in three months. No. 42 00:02:38,341 --> 00:02:40,261 One month. 43 00:02:40,301 --> 00:02:43,741 Hey, Josh, not a word about this to anyone. 44 00:02:43,781 --> 00:02:48,141 Yeah? Not even Naomi. What? Shut up, man. I'm not an idiot, bruv. 45 00:02:48,181 --> 00:02:51,461 You heard what Mario said - this is a very exclusive opportunity, 46 00:02:51,501 --> 00:02:54,701 and if people find out about this, every man's gonna want a piece. 47 00:02:56,101 --> 00:02:57,501 Look, cool. Cool. 48 00:02:57,541 --> 00:03:00,461 Let's get that three grand registration fee sorted, yeah? 49 00:03:01,461 --> 00:03:03,861 Honestly, I can't taste the difference. 50 00:03:03,901 --> 00:03:05,981 You couldn't tell it wasn't vegan. 51 00:03:06,021 --> 00:03:09,981 Enter your pin, please. Really? Thank you. Have a nice day. 52 00:03:10,021 --> 00:03:14,701 Yeah. Three of these a day and I'll be bikini-ready for Tenerife. Thank you. Have a good day. 53 00:03:14,741 --> 00:03:18,221 Do you fancy a cuppa? No, I'm on the Fast Loss Water. 54 00:03:18,261 --> 00:03:20,301 Ah, I've heard about that. 55 00:03:20,341 --> 00:03:22,821 Hello, darling, you all right? 56 00:03:22,861 --> 00:03:24,301 QUIETLY: Open the safe. 57 00:03:24,341 --> 00:03:27,141 What's that, love? I said, open the safe. 58 00:03:27,181 --> 00:03:29,821 No, I ain't getting you, darling. Say it again. 59 00:03:29,861 --> 00:03:32,101 HE SIGHS Right! 60 00:03:32,141 --> 00:03:35,261 Everybody get down on the fucking floor! 61 00:03:35,301 --> 00:03:39,341 Now! Up against that wall. Hey, don't look at me! 62 00:03:39,381 --> 00:03:42,581 Are you deaf, mate? Up against the wall! 63 00:03:43,621 --> 00:03:45,181 What? 64 00:03:45,221 --> 00:03:47,621 You ARE deaf? Sorry, mate. 65 00:03:47,661 --> 00:03:50,141 Get by the fucking wall! Go on! 66 00:03:50,181 --> 00:03:52,381 Oh. Wanker. 67 00:03:52,421 --> 00:03:55,341 That's a bit harsh, squire. 68 00:03:55,381 --> 00:03:56,941 Excuse me, love. 69 00:03:56,981 --> 00:04:01,461 Are you robbing us? Course I am. What does it look like I'm doing? 70 00:04:03,461 --> 00:04:06,981 Do you have to do it today? Look, stop pissing about. Open the safe! 71 00:04:07,021 --> 00:04:09,541 Do you want one of them Lotus biscuits, Kay? 72 00:04:09,581 --> 00:04:12,501 Who's that? Look, get them out here now! 73 00:04:12,541 --> 00:04:16,661 Denise, you'd better pop out, love. We're being robbed. What? 74 00:04:16,701 --> 00:04:20,221 We're being robbed, Denise! 75 00:04:20,261 --> 00:04:23,181 SHE SIGHS Can you not come back later? 76 00:04:23,221 --> 00:04:24,821 I've just made a tea. 77 00:04:24,861 --> 00:04:28,261 And I've got to pop up the school this afternoon. 78 00:04:28,301 --> 00:04:31,541 My boy's just hit a supply teacher with a chair. 79 00:04:31,581 --> 00:04:33,021 Eh? Little arsehole. 80 00:04:33,061 --> 00:04:35,821 Little arsehole. Hey, I'm not joking! 81 00:04:35,861 --> 00:04:38,021 He's not joking, Denise. SHE SIGHS 82 00:04:38,061 --> 00:04:41,021 For fuck's sake! All right. 83 00:04:41,061 --> 00:04:42,461 PHONE RINGS 84 00:04:42,501 --> 00:04:44,421 What's that? 85 00:04:44,461 --> 00:04:48,301 No-one answer that fucking phone! PHONE RINGS 86 00:04:49,461 --> 00:04:51,741 Is it your guy at the bank? 87 00:04:51,781 --> 00:04:54,141 He's not my guy. He hates me. 88 00:04:54,181 --> 00:04:57,821 Don't be dumb. How do you know he hates you? He said he hates me. 89 00:04:57,861 --> 00:05:01,541 People say bare mad things in the heat of the moment. It just, like, flies out of their mouth. 90 00:05:01,581 --> 00:05:03,381 He said it in a letter. 91 00:05:06,141 --> 00:05:07,301 Oof. 92 00:05:07,341 --> 00:05:09,621 He really doesn't like you, does he? 93 00:05:11,101 --> 00:05:14,741 Do you know what this is? It's racist. 94 00:05:14,781 --> 00:05:17,941 It's cos you're black. He should be ashamed of himself. I can't believe 95 00:05:17,981 --> 00:05:20,541 that in this day and age... He's black. 96 00:05:21,581 --> 00:05:22,661 Whoa. 97 00:05:23,701 --> 00:05:26,301 This racism thing's getting deep. 98 00:05:27,821 --> 00:05:30,621 Right, look, let's start again. 99 00:05:33,901 --> 00:05:36,901 Ladies and gentlemen, this is a robbery! 100 00:05:36,941 --> 00:05:39,301 And it's also a waste of tea. Huh? 101 00:05:40,661 --> 00:05:44,501 Oh, aye. Oi! Where the fuck are you going? 102 00:05:46,821 --> 00:05:49,261 I'm really sorry. I got to go. 103 00:05:49,301 --> 00:05:51,981 I'm late for work and I've been late twice this month, 104 00:05:52,021 --> 00:05:55,141 and they said this time they're gonna do a disciplinary on me, 105 00:05:55,181 --> 00:05:57,981 which is really out of order. Disciplinary? Yeah. Right. 106 00:05:58,021 --> 00:06:01,581 Well, you'd better go, then. I hope you get it sorted. 107 00:06:02,901 --> 00:06:06,421 Whoa, whoa, whoa. He might call the police. He could be a snitch. 108 00:06:06,461 --> 00:06:09,941 Good point. Oi! Come back here! 109 00:06:09,981 --> 00:06:11,381 Oh. 110 00:06:12,461 --> 00:06:14,461 Sit back down. 111 00:06:14,501 --> 00:06:17,221 Do I have to? Sorry, mate. Sorry. 112 00:06:17,261 --> 00:06:20,341 Thanks. Appreciate that. Yeah. You're welcome. 113 00:06:20,381 --> 00:06:24,941 You can't be too careful. Where I come from, snitches get stitches. 114 00:06:26,141 --> 00:06:30,821 Look, no-one is leaving, all right? TAPPING ON GLASS 115 00:06:30,861 --> 00:06:34,661 Excuse me, love. Have you got a second? 116 00:06:34,701 --> 00:06:38,061 What? You're not by yourself, are you? 117 00:06:38,101 --> 00:06:42,541 Yeah. Why? Oh, dear. It's got to be at least two for a robbery. 118 00:06:42,581 --> 00:06:45,581 What? Yeah. It's got to be at least two robbers for a robbery, 119 00:06:45,621 --> 00:06:49,501 otherwise it's not officially recognised. It says it here in the manual. Sorry. 120 00:06:49,541 --> 00:06:52,661 Fucking hell. You don't know anybody, do you? 121 00:06:52,701 --> 00:06:54,501 Argh! 122 00:06:54,541 --> 00:06:57,181 Not you again! Sit down! 123 00:06:57,221 --> 00:06:59,661 Sorry. Cramp. 124 00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:04,821 I got a dicky calf. And when it goes... 125 00:07:04,861 --> 00:07:06,661 ..I'm finished. 126 00:07:06,701 --> 00:07:09,221 Now, I normally have tonic water for it cos of the quinine. 127 00:07:09,261 --> 00:07:11,101 Now, the doctor, he's not really a doctor... 128 00:07:11,141 --> 00:07:13,301 Shut the fuck up! 129 00:07:13,341 --> 00:07:16,381 Sorry. Sorry. 130 00:07:16,421 --> 00:07:20,741 I ain't got time to babysit you all, so can you just sort out your own problems? 131 00:07:20,781 --> 00:07:23,421 I'll watch them for you, Captain. 132 00:07:23,461 --> 00:07:28,621 Are you sure? Yeah, anyone moves and I'll...I'll bite 'em. 133 00:07:28,661 --> 00:07:32,261 Or...stab 'em with a pen. 134 00:07:32,301 --> 00:07:36,181 Or, you know, I'll stuff, like, pound coins into their mouths, 135 00:07:36,221 --> 00:07:38,261 till they're, like, shitting out 50ps. 136 00:07:38,301 --> 00:07:41,501 Yeah. Huh? A bit like a, er, human fruit machine, you know? 137 00:07:41,541 --> 00:07:45,741 You put it in there and it's like... urgh, shit coming out there, that sort of stuff. 138 00:07:45,781 --> 00:07:49,581 Right. Yeah. Well, lock the doors, then. 139 00:07:49,621 --> 00:07:52,341 Aye aye, Captain. 140 00:07:57,221 --> 00:08:00,341 Nah, mm-mm. Bun dis. 141 00:08:00,381 --> 00:08:04,861 Yeah, don't worry. He won't snitch. Trust me. 142 00:08:06,981 --> 00:08:09,981 Look, the safe, where is it? 143 00:08:10,021 --> 00:08:13,261 It's in the back. But we don't have access to it. 144 00:08:13,301 --> 00:08:16,221 Who does? The manager. Where is he? Is he in the back? 145 00:08:16,261 --> 00:08:18,741 Early lunch. What, at ten in the morning? 146 00:08:18,781 --> 00:08:23,021 Hm. When's he back? When he wants. Does the rota, don't he? Mm-hm. 147 00:08:23,061 --> 00:08:24,381 Does what he wants, that one. 148 00:08:24,421 --> 00:08:28,461 Do you know, I haven't had a Saturday off in over three years. 149 00:08:28,501 --> 00:08:31,861 I didn't know that, Denise. That's awful. Innit, though? Ain't that awful? 150 00:08:31,901 --> 00:08:35,981 Maybe you could have a word with him when he comes back. Shit him up a bit. 151 00:08:36,021 --> 00:08:38,581 Get him to give her a Saturday off. Yeah. I would. 152 00:08:38,621 --> 00:08:40,701 But I'm pressed for time, to be honest. 153 00:08:40,741 --> 00:08:45,021 I don't wanna say "I told you so", but I did tell you to come back later. 154 00:08:45,061 --> 00:08:47,381 Not you and all. Sorry. 155 00:08:47,421 --> 00:08:50,661 Oh, what about this? What? In the manual, 156 00:08:50,701 --> 00:08:53,461 regarding the provision of suitable refreshment... 157 00:08:53,501 --> 00:08:55,461 "The recommended allowance 158 00:08:55,501 --> 00:08:58,501 "as set out by the Hostage Association of Great Britain, 159 00:08:58,541 --> 00:09:02,461 "is to be no less than £35 per head 160 00:09:02,501 --> 00:09:05,221 "per eight-hour hostage shift." 161 00:09:05,261 --> 00:09:08,421 Well, that's decent. It's to be paid for by the robbers. 162 00:09:08,461 --> 00:09:11,741 Are they having a fucking laugh? That's 280 quid. 163 00:09:11,781 --> 00:09:13,821 Oh, I'm having steak. 164 00:09:13,861 --> 00:09:16,781 No, you're not. "The average hostage situation, 165 00:09:16,821 --> 00:09:19,621 "is resolved within 72 hours." 166 00:09:19,661 --> 00:09:24,861 It's gonna cost you two and a half grand. Where am I gonna get two and a half grand from? 167 00:09:24,901 --> 00:09:27,261 We can give you a fast track loan decision within the hour, 168 00:09:27,301 --> 00:09:29,101 if it helps. Excuse me. 169 00:09:29,141 --> 00:09:30,141 Oh. 170 00:09:30,181 --> 00:09:32,141 Is there a vegan option? 171 00:09:32,181 --> 00:09:35,861 It's just that I'm really trying to follow a plant-based diet 172 00:09:35,901 --> 00:09:38,821 because of my various allergies. 173 00:09:38,861 --> 00:09:42,341 Down the road, they do vegan sausages. 174 00:09:42,381 --> 00:09:44,461 Shut up! 175 00:09:44,501 --> 00:09:46,701 You're all having... 176 00:09:49,461 --> 00:09:51,101 ..pizza. 177 00:09:51,141 --> 00:09:53,461 Kay don't do gluten. 178 00:09:53,501 --> 00:09:55,101 What? 179 00:09:55,141 --> 00:09:59,581 You don't do gluten, do you, Kay? Yeah, tears me right up. 180 00:09:59,621 --> 00:10:03,781 I'll have a salad. I don't wanna be awkward. 181 00:10:08,701 --> 00:10:11,581 Oh. Wow, that's a big order. 182 00:10:11,621 --> 00:10:14,381 We're gonna need two delivery guys to deliver 183 00:10:14,421 --> 00:10:18,341 but, erm, give me 14 minutes and we'll have it to you by 12.30. 184 00:10:18,381 --> 00:10:19,661 Thanks. 185 00:10:20,661 --> 00:10:23,101 Are they on their way? Yeah. 186 00:10:23,141 --> 00:10:26,901 You order me the five seasons? With extra autumn and winter. 187 00:10:26,941 --> 00:10:30,781 Perfect. Oi! You move and I'll spray you. 188 00:10:30,821 --> 00:10:34,861 Hey, what are you doing? Right, er, just keeping him in check. 189 00:10:34,901 --> 00:10:38,581 Er, do you know where the tap is, cos I was gonna waterboard this one? 190 00:10:38,621 --> 00:10:40,621 All right, Idi Amin, calm down. 191 00:10:40,661 --> 00:10:44,261 Just keep 'em in check. Food's on its way. 192 00:10:44,301 --> 00:10:47,701 Aye aye, Captain. Permission to give this one a little dig? No! 193 00:10:49,141 --> 00:10:54,021 Erm, right, erm, you have to say, "Permission denied, Private." 194 00:10:54,061 --> 00:10:55,261 What? 195 00:10:58,261 --> 00:11:01,341 Permission denied, Private. Aye aye, Captain. 196 00:11:01,381 --> 00:11:06,381 "Aye aye, Captain" is what you say when you're at sea, not on land. 197 00:11:06,421 --> 00:11:08,661 It's technically wrong. 198 00:11:08,701 --> 00:11:12,741 Look, mate, all I wanna do is rob a bank, 199 00:11:12,781 --> 00:11:14,941 get the money I need, go home 200 00:11:14,981 --> 00:11:19,781 and watch a repeat of Location, Location, Lo-fucking-cation! OK? 201 00:11:19,821 --> 00:11:22,061 Ooh. 202 00:11:22,101 --> 00:11:23,861 Should I spray him? 203 00:11:24,901 --> 00:11:26,421 No. 204 00:11:27,821 --> 00:11:29,341 Save it. 205 00:11:30,381 --> 00:11:32,781 Yeah, shush it! 206 00:11:35,141 --> 00:11:38,301 Why didn't you tell me? About what? 207 00:11:38,341 --> 00:11:41,941 About the Fat Loss Water. Ah, the Fat Loss Water. 208 00:11:41,981 --> 00:11:45,821 What is...? What is Fat Loss Water? What is...? 209 00:11:45,861 --> 00:11:49,221 What is the Fat Loss Water? Wow. I gave you a chance to explain 210 00:11:49,261 --> 00:11:51,901 and you decided to lie to me. OK, let me explain. 211 00:11:51,941 --> 00:11:55,901 No, it's too late, Joshua. Foolishly, I thought that maybe you and me had 212 00:11:55,941 --> 00:11:59,021 a connection or something. What I didn't think was that 213 00:11:59,061 --> 00:12:02,261 you'd lie to me about some get-rich-quick pyramid scheme. 214 00:12:02,301 --> 00:12:05,901 What? I don't know nothing about no pyramid scheme. 215 00:12:05,941 --> 00:12:07,981 Oh, it gets worse, doesn't it? 216 00:12:08,021 --> 00:12:10,301 When you're in a hole, stop digging! 217 00:12:10,341 --> 00:12:13,941 You didn't think that Mario would try it on me and Teeka 218 00:12:13,981 --> 00:12:17,701 and that we'd fall for some bullshit "keys to the kingdom"? Wait. 219 00:12:17,741 --> 00:12:19,981 Hold on. Do you know what, forget about it, Joshua. 220 00:12:20,021 --> 00:12:23,381 If you ever had any idea that me and you might maybe get together, 221 00:12:23,421 --> 00:12:25,821 forget about it. Argh! Fuck. 222 00:12:26,781 --> 00:12:28,341 Oi! Hey. 223 00:12:28,381 --> 00:12:30,301 INDISTINCT CHATTER 224 00:12:31,981 --> 00:12:34,021 She said forget about it. 225 00:12:34,061 --> 00:12:36,901 Pff. Forget it? Yeah. 226 00:12:36,941 --> 00:12:40,381 Bro, I'm no expert, but she's definitely trying to tell you something. 227 00:12:40,421 --> 00:12:42,581 HE YELLS 228 00:12:43,621 --> 00:12:45,901 Michael? What you doing, bruv? 229 00:12:45,941 --> 00:12:49,061 Oh, sorry, boys. I didn't know it was gonna be you two. 230 00:12:49,101 --> 00:12:51,581 It's lucky, cos I could have, you know... 231 00:12:51,621 --> 00:12:54,381 HE GARGLES AND GROANS 232 00:12:54,421 --> 00:12:56,021 ..gang shit on you. 233 00:12:56,061 --> 00:12:57,941 Shut up, Michael, man, what's going on? 234 00:12:59,341 --> 00:13:02,941 It's a robbery. And it's great. 235 00:13:02,981 --> 00:13:04,421 What? 236 00:13:04,461 --> 00:13:07,021 Er, no, bun dis. 237 00:13:07,061 --> 00:13:09,221 No, no, Josh, the Captain wants to meet you. 238 00:13:09,261 --> 00:13:11,261 What you talking about? Captain? Who's your captain? 239 00:13:12,901 --> 00:13:15,541 Am I glad to see you boys. 240 00:13:15,581 --> 00:13:17,901 We're starving. 241 00:13:17,941 --> 00:13:20,501 Oh, for fuck's sake. 242 00:13:31,821 --> 00:13:35,301 Mm. Scott, what the hell was going on? 243 00:13:35,341 --> 00:13:39,221 Why are you robbing this bank? And why are you robbing a bank with Michael the Prick? 244 00:13:39,261 --> 00:13:41,901 Oh, so that's Michael the Prick? 245 00:13:41,941 --> 00:13:44,661 No, Michael! You're gonna hurt them. 246 00:13:44,701 --> 00:13:46,021 Sorry. Sorry. 247 00:13:46,061 --> 00:13:48,821 I can see why you call him that. 248 00:13:48,861 --> 00:13:52,101 Scott, why are you robbing this flipping bank? 249 00:13:52,141 --> 00:13:54,261 Cos I need the flipping money! 250 00:13:54,301 --> 00:13:55,501 Come here. 251 00:13:58,141 --> 00:14:03,061 Here, I knew I'd seen him before. I recognised his face. 252 00:14:03,101 --> 00:14:06,341 He used to come in here with his wife before she died. Aww. 253 00:14:06,381 --> 00:14:10,501 Yeah, he looked after her for a good couple of years before she went. 254 00:14:10,541 --> 00:14:13,701 What was it? Cancer? Yeah, I think so. 255 00:14:13,741 --> 00:14:15,501 Poor thing. Mm. 256 00:14:15,541 --> 00:14:18,941 It's probably what sent him over the edge, isn't it? Yeah. 257 00:14:20,141 --> 00:14:22,661 Although he was always a bit eccentric. Bless him. 258 00:14:22,701 --> 00:14:25,661 He used to sign for his money with two pens. Two pens? 259 00:14:25,701 --> 00:14:26,981 Two pens like that. 260 00:14:27,021 --> 00:14:29,661 He said it made it harder for people to fake his signature. 261 00:14:29,701 --> 00:14:32,661 Aww. So sweet. 262 00:14:34,541 --> 00:14:37,621 SHE SIGHS This pizza's fucking horrible. 263 00:14:41,181 --> 00:14:44,061 Do you boys know what these are? 264 00:14:44,101 --> 00:14:46,621 Scott, are you...? Shh! 265 00:14:46,661 --> 00:14:51,741 I'm giving you the opportunity to come in on the ground floor 266 00:14:51,781 --> 00:14:56,021 of a very exciting new business opportunity. 267 00:14:56,061 --> 00:14:58,021 Are you pitching us the Fat Loss Water? 268 00:14:58,061 --> 00:14:59,141 What? 269 00:15:01,301 --> 00:15:03,621 How do you know? 270 00:15:06,221 --> 00:15:10,061 Josh just texted me. Him and Ricky are caught in the middle of a bank robbery. 271 00:15:10,101 --> 00:15:13,981 The bank where we just delivered the pizzas? Yeah. I think they've been taken hostage. 272 00:15:15,541 --> 00:15:18,821 So the big delivery was for the hostages' food? 273 00:15:18,861 --> 00:15:20,301 Must have been. 274 00:15:22,541 --> 00:15:25,141 This is a very good day. What? 275 00:15:25,181 --> 00:15:27,461 Wait. 276 00:15:27,501 --> 00:15:29,621 Where is it? Yes, yes, here it is. 277 00:15:29,661 --> 00:15:31,141 "The recommended allowance 278 00:15:31,181 --> 00:15:33,981 "as set out by the Hostage Association of Great Britain 279 00:15:34,021 --> 00:15:37,581 "is to be no less £35 per head, 280 00:15:37,621 --> 00:15:40,381 "per eight-hour hostage shift." 281 00:15:40,421 --> 00:15:43,941 And we all know the average hostage situation is about 72 hours, 282 00:15:43,981 --> 00:15:47,501 so that means...two and a half grand, baby. 283 00:15:47,541 --> 00:15:50,421 Are you being serious? Yes. But wait... 284 00:15:52,501 --> 00:15:55,341 This is a fantastic business opportunity. 285 00:15:57,981 --> 00:15:59,781 I pick it up later. 286 00:16:00,901 --> 00:16:03,421 I done all my dosh on the registration fee, 287 00:16:03,461 --> 00:16:06,181 then you've got to buy the keys and the briefcase 288 00:16:06,221 --> 00:16:09,261 and the first 1,000 litres of water, and that left me skint. 289 00:16:09,301 --> 00:16:13,381 So I need to bump this up so I can attract more prospects. 290 00:16:13,421 --> 00:16:16,341 Sure I can't interest you boys? 291 00:16:16,381 --> 00:16:19,061 Nah. You're all right. 292 00:16:19,101 --> 00:16:20,701 No, man. 293 00:16:21,701 --> 00:16:24,621 Right, we'd better make moves, then, innit? Yeah. Where are you going? 294 00:16:24,661 --> 00:16:26,861 PHONE CHIMES People to, er, see. You know. 295 00:16:29,061 --> 00:16:31,141 Josh... Josh. 296 00:16:32,101 --> 00:16:33,861 Josh. 297 00:16:33,901 --> 00:16:36,021 Yo, we good, bro? 298 00:16:36,061 --> 00:16:38,221 Huh? Yeah. 299 00:16:38,261 --> 00:16:42,581 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can't we chill? Let's just... Let's just chill. 300 00:16:42,621 --> 00:16:46,221 Let's chill, let's chill. Don't have to be too hasty, do we? 301 00:16:46,261 --> 00:16:49,381 Erm, tell me about this water. 302 00:16:52,901 --> 00:16:55,821 Do you boys know what these are? 303 00:16:56,821 --> 00:17:02,381 And to a man, every single consultant that I saw 304 00:17:02,421 --> 00:17:07,501 said they had never seen anything like this before. 305 00:17:13,141 --> 00:17:15,861 Thank you. Bless you. 306 00:17:15,901 --> 00:17:21,021 Since I lost her, I've been wandering round aimlessly. 307 00:17:21,061 --> 00:17:25,141 So I thought I might as well live my life to the fullest 308 00:17:25,181 --> 00:17:28,901 and that way I don't die of heartbreak. 309 00:17:28,941 --> 00:17:31,021 Do you know what I mean? 310 00:17:31,061 --> 00:17:34,701 Scott, that's the sweetest thing. 311 00:17:34,741 --> 00:17:36,981 I know I'm an idiot for doing this. 312 00:17:37,021 --> 00:17:40,941 I lost all my cash and I'm gonna end up in the nick. 313 00:17:40,981 --> 00:17:45,381 No, you are not. You're a lovely, caring, sweet man. 314 00:17:45,421 --> 00:17:48,221 You've just...lost your way a bit. 315 00:17:54,861 --> 00:17:57,501 Bruv, it's broken. How do you know? 316 00:17:57,541 --> 00:17:59,941 It's got a sign that says it's broken, you idiot. 317 00:18:01,061 --> 00:18:04,141 Here, I've got a bone to pick with you two. 318 00:18:04,181 --> 00:18:08,581 It's come to my attention you've been calling me Michael the Prick. 319 00:18:08,621 --> 00:18:11,741 And that is very uncalled for, cos I'm not a prick. 320 00:18:11,781 --> 00:18:14,901 In fact, I'm the opposite to what a prick is. 321 00:18:14,941 --> 00:18:18,541 So what are you, a fanny? Word. Michael the Fanny. 322 00:18:18,581 --> 00:18:22,061 No, no, I'm not that. So then you're Michael the Prick, innit? 323 00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:25,381 No, I'm neither a prick nor a fanny. OK. 324 00:18:25,421 --> 00:18:29,061 Oh, and what would a prick be doing in a bank? 325 00:18:29,101 --> 00:18:31,901 Getting involved in a shit bank robbery. Nuh-uh. 326 00:18:31,941 --> 00:18:36,701 Would a prick be paying in six and a half grand from a very successful business? 327 00:18:36,741 --> 00:18:39,141 Eh? Would a prick come up with a pyramid scheme 328 00:18:39,181 --> 00:18:41,141 based solely upon selling tap water 329 00:18:41,181 --> 00:18:44,421 for five whole pounds a bottle? Yeah. 330 00:18:44,461 --> 00:18:47,901 Wait, you're behind the Fat Loss Water? 331 00:18:47,941 --> 00:18:53,061 Huh. It would seem my reputation perceeds me. 332 00:18:53,101 --> 00:18:54,701 You prick. 333 00:18:54,741 --> 00:18:57,101 Excuse me - clever prick. 334 00:18:57,141 --> 00:18:58,661 ALARM BEEPS 335 00:18:58,701 --> 00:19:02,101 What the fuck is that? It'll be the alarm on the back door. Hey! 336 00:19:02,141 --> 00:19:03,901 Oi, fuck! 337 00:19:03,941 --> 00:19:08,221 All right. I told you to lock the doors! I did, Captain. You didn't lock the back! 338 00:19:08,261 --> 00:19:11,341 I didn't know there was one. Never been to a bank with a back door. 339 00:19:11,381 --> 00:19:12,661 It's the coppers! 340 00:19:12,701 --> 00:19:14,941 Right, you lot, you stay there. 341 00:19:14,981 --> 00:19:18,101 Yeah, stay. Now, you move. On your knees. That's it. 342 00:19:18,141 --> 00:19:22,301 That's it, down. That's it. That's it. Discipline, discipline. Shit. 343 00:19:26,221 --> 00:19:28,021 HE CHUCKLES 344 00:19:31,661 --> 00:19:33,661 What's going on? Who are you? 345 00:19:33,701 --> 00:19:36,821 I'm the manager. What the fuck's going on in my bank? 346 00:19:36,861 --> 00:19:40,781 This is what's going on, mate! Oi, got a gun. Lock that door. 347 00:19:40,821 --> 00:19:45,421 Aye aye, Captain. Erm, mate, do you mind if I just borrow your keys? Just... 348 00:19:45,461 --> 00:19:48,181 What? Where are you from, fam? The '90s? 349 00:19:48,221 --> 00:19:51,861 Prick. I'm not a prick. Yeah, tell him, Captain. 350 00:19:53,941 --> 00:19:57,381 He's technically not a prick. Thank you. 351 00:19:57,421 --> 00:20:01,821 Now, sit down. No, no, no, pat him down first. Yeah, he's sneaky. 352 00:20:01,861 --> 00:20:03,941 Empty your pockets. Go on. 353 00:20:03,981 --> 00:20:06,061 Out, yeah! All of it. Up there. 354 00:20:07,661 --> 00:20:09,501 HE WHIMPERS 355 00:20:15,261 --> 00:20:16,781 Kevin Rice Bailey? 356 00:20:16,821 --> 00:20:18,181 You! 357 00:20:20,301 --> 00:20:22,181 No. It could... 358 00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:25,781 Bruv, this is the dickhead bank man that's always giving me grief. Kevin... 359 00:20:25,821 --> 00:20:28,741 ..Rice Bailey. Bruv, I don't even know you. 360 00:20:28,781 --> 00:20:30,541 No, I think you do. 361 00:20:30,581 --> 00:20:34,661 Do you know how many times I ring you up asking, begging you for a lickle loan? 362 00:20:34,701 --> 00:20:37,741 Or...or just an extension on my overdraft? 363 00:20:37,781 --> 00:20:41,341 Fam, who the fuck do you think you're talking to? 364 00:20:41,381 --> 00:20:43,701 Dickhead! Man, shut up! 365 00:20:43,741 --> 00:20:46,341 Oh. OK. 366 00:20:46,381 --> 00:20:49,101 Cos I didn't give you a lickle extension on your overdraft, 367 00:20:49,141 --> 00:20:52,301 or a lickle loan, you come and stick up the bank, rude boy? 368 00:20:52,341 --> 00:20:53,501 Yeah, rude boy. I... 369 00:20:53,541 --> 00:20:56,701 We're not robbing the bank, we're...delivering pizzas. 370 00:20:56,741 --> 00:20:59,061 And we just got caught up in all this. 371 00:20:59,101 --> 00:21:02,301 Do you know, why have you always got problem with me? Bruv... 372 00:21:02,341 --> 00:21:05,421 Hey, Josh, slap him in the face with this. Serious? 373 00:21:05,461 --> 00:21:10,341 What, bruv, if you ever slap me with that, 374 00:21:10,381 --> 00:21:13,101 robber or not, you have to leave town, rude boy. 375 00:21:13,141 --> 00:21:15,861 You know I got your details, rude boy. Hey, Josh. 376 00:21:15,901 --> 00:21:19,141 Slap him up, bruv. Bruv, what, yeah... 377 00:21:21,301 --> 00:21:24,661 Don't slap me in front of my team, yeah? They don't wanna see that. 378 00:21:24,701 --> 00:21:28,581 Give him a slap for the three years of Saturdays she ain't had off. 379 00:21:28,621 --> 00:21:31,061 Yeah, you big arsehole! 380 00:21:32,541 --> 00:21:33,701 HE LAUGHS 381 00:21:33,741 --> 00:21:36,661 Big man. Big man, you know that overdraft, yeah? Mm. 382 00:21:36,701 --> 00:21:40,181 You'll get that. Yeah? You know that extension? Mm. You gots that. 383 00:21:40,221 --> 00:21:41,541 Extended? You know what? 384 00:21:41,581 --> 00:21:44,461 I'll even give you like £200 just to say, "Look..." Two bills. 385 00:21:44,501 --> 00:21:46,061 Two bills. Uh. 386 00:21:46,101 --> 00:21:48,941 Yeah, come on, bruvver. Bruvver? My bruvver, come on. 387 00:21:48,981 --> 00:21:50,941 Danny Boy. 388 00:21:55,301 --> 00:21:57,661 Oooooh! 389 00:21:58,901 --> 00:22:01,141 Yes, yes. Now, sit down! 390 00:22:01,181 --> 00:22:04,061 To me a bit, and there's lovely. 391 00:22:04,101 --> 00:22:08,661 Boys. Boys, let's get this safe opened, have it on our toes out of here. 392 00:22:08,701 --> 00:22:10,741 Scott, let's have a word. 393 00:22:10,781 --> 00:22:12,941 What was you on about? Just...just a second. 394 00:22:12,981 --> 00:22:16,461 Come. Michael. Keep an eye on these. 395 00:22:16,501 --> 00:22:19,341 Permission to fuck 'em up, Captain? Permission denied, Private. 396 00:22:21,501 --> 00:22:23,861 Hey, you want me to squirt on you? 397 00:22:23,901 --> 00:22:28,781 That'll be the last thing you do, bruv. Yeah! Yes, mate. 398 00:22:28,821 --> 00:22:31,461 So it's a pyramid scheme? 399 00:22:31,501 --> 00:22:33,901 Yeah. We all got scammed. 400 00:22:33,941 --> 00:22:35,501 Even Mario. 401 00:22:39,781 --> 00:22:42,061 Well, this is a waste of time, then, eh? 402 00:22:42,101 --> 00:22:44,261 Yeah. What the hell? 403 00:22:44,301 --> 00:22:46,381 What are we gonna do now? 404 00:22:46,421 --> 00:22:49,061 Can't we just leave? Leave? 405 00:22:49,101 --> 00:22:52,381 Bro, that Kevin or whatever his name is has seen our faces. 406 00:22:52,421 --> 00:22:55,221 Let's look at the facts. 407 00:22:55,261 --> 00:22:58,141 There ain't no guns, no-one's been hurt, the safe ain't been opened, 408 00:22:58,181 --> 00:23:00,541 and there ain't even two robbers. 409 00:23:00,581 --> 00:23:02,941 That's true. The safe button doesn't even work. 410 00:23:02,981 --> 00:23:04,301 What? 411 00:23:04,341 --> 00:23:07,261 The safe button under the counter, it don't work. 412 00:23:07,301 --> 00:23:10,101 I pressed it, like, ten times and nothing. 413 00:23:10,141 --> 00:23:12,101 ALL: You prick! 414 00:23:12,141 --> 00:23:13,581 SIRENS APPROACH 415 00:23:13,621 --> 00:23:16,421 What? That's it. They're coming. No, no. It's over. 416 00:23:16,461 --> 00:23:18,901 We're done for! No. Relax, Scott. 417 00:23:18,941 --> 00:23:21,781 Look, like the lady says, there's no crime. 418 00:23:21,821 --> 00:23:23,181 Nothing's been stolen. 419 00:23:23,221 --> 00:23:26,621 OK. What we're gonna do is 420 00:23:26,661 --> 00:23:28,941 we're all gonna walk out of here together 421 00:23:28,981 --> 00:23:32,741 and then I'm going to tell the police that it's a false alarm. 422 00:23:32,781 --> 00:23:33,781 OK? 423 00:23:33,821 --> 00:23:36,341 No. No, no, no. It's not OK. 424 00:23:36,381 --> 00:23:39,861 You see, cos there'll be armed Feds out there. I'm a black man. 425 00:23:39,901 --> 00:23:41,701 KEVIN LAUGHS 426 00:23:41,741 --> 00:23:45,781 "I'm a black man. I'm a black man. Please don't shoot." 427 00:23:45,821 --> 00:23:48,021 You're gonna go jail, blood. 428 00:23:48,061 --> 00:23:52,821 Be part of the prison family, innit? Imagine your hair in bunches. 429 00:23:52,861 --> 00:23:54,861 Playing mamas and papas. 430 00:23:54,901 --> 00:23:57,701 And you're gonna be mama. Big mama. 431 00:23:57,741 --> 00:24:00,501 But you're a black man, too, bruv. Yeah. 432 00:24:00,541 --> 00:24:03,741 But this black man, he's the manager. 433 00:24:05,661 --> 00:24:06,981 HE GROANS 434 00:24:07,021 --> 00:24:09,141 Fucking hell, think. 435 00:24:09,181 --> 00:24:11,581 Josh. Think, think. 436 00:24:11,621 --> 00:24:13,821 Josh. Think. Josh! 437 00:24:13,861 --> 00:24:15,101 What, Ricky? 438 00:24:17,821 --> 00:24:19,581 I got it. 439 00:24:20,741 --> 00:24:23,101 OK, now, is everyone ready? 440 00:24:23,141 --> 00:24:26,701 We're all gonna walk out of here together. 441 00:24:27,701 --> 00:24:29,341 OK? 442 00:24:31,101 --> 00:24:34,741 On the floor now! Get on your fucking knees, all of you! 443 00:24:35,981 --> 00:24:38,621 Right, all of you, over there. 444 00:24:38,661 --> 00:24:40,701 You and you, over there. Now. 445 00:24:40,741 --> 00:24:42,661 Move, move. What the f...? Come on! 446 00:24:42,701 --> 00:24:45,621 Go, go, go, go, go. 447 00:24:46,941 --> 00:24:50,141 Thought you'd got away with it, eh, lads? We're not the robbers, boss. 448 00:24:50,181 --> 00:24:54,501 Mate, I'm the manager. Really? Seriously. I'm the branch manager. 449 00:24:54,541 --> 00:24:56,781 So why are you dressed like a fucking pizza boy? 450 00:24:56,821 --> 00:24:59,621 He's wearing my clothes. Oh, that old chestnut. 451 00:24:59,661 --> 00:25:02,141 "He's wearing my clothes." It's not fucking dress-up day! 452 00:25:02,181 --> 00:25:04,861 No, no, no, no. Shut it! Yeah, shut it! 453 00:25:04,901 --> 00:25:07,421 You taking the piss? Sorry. Sorry. I'm sorry. 454 00:25:07,461 --> 00:25:10,141 Come on. Seriously, 455 00:25:10,181 --> 00:25:12,421 check the lanyard in his jacket pocket. 456 00:25:12,461 --> 00:25:14,861 Check it. 457 00:25:16,541 --> 00:25:18,301 Er, yeah. 458 00:25:20,101 --> 00:25:21,701 Quick! Oh, yeah. 459 00:25:21,741 --> 00:25:24,101 It's in the other pocket. Yeah, I know. 460 00:25:32,981 --> 00:25:35,661 What's your name? Kevin. Kevin what? 461 00:25:35,701 --> 00:25:37,581 Yeah, Kevin what? Kevin... 462 00:25:38,581 --> 00:25:40,701 Kevin... 463 00:25:40,741 --> 00:25:44,341 Help a brother out, man. Don't touch me, man! And I ain't your brother. 464 00:25:44,381 --> 00:25:46,421 Kevin what? 465 00:25:46,461 --> 00:25:48,621 Kevin What. 466 00:25:48,661 --> 00:25:52,501 Shit. He's got a weapon! 467 00:25:53,941 --> 00:25:57,461 Ahhhhhhhh! 468 00:26:06,221 --> 00:26:10,181 Noooooooo! 469 00:26:17,301 --> 00:26:19,701 HE GROANS 470 00:26:19,741 --> 00:26:22,381 How many days have I been out? 471 00:26:22,421 --> 00:26:25,101 Five minutes. HE GROANS 472 00:26:25,141 --> 00:26:27,781 Have you been crying? No. 473 00:26:30,221 --> 00:26:33,101 Don't lie, man. You were worried about me. 474 00:26:33,141 --> 00:26:34,981 No. 475 00:26:35,021 --> 00:26:36,621 Yes. 476 00:26:37,621 --> 00:26:41,821 How about you nurse me to the hospital? You can hold my drip. 477 00:26:41,861 --> 00:26:44,421 You're so dumb. You're dumb. 478 00:26:44,461 --> 00:26:46,581 Crying like some wasteman. 479 00:26:46,621 --> 00:26:48,701 All right, bullet boy. 480 00:26:48,741 --> 00:26:52,661 Got some good news. Scott ran off with his bank girl. Very nice. 481 00:26:52,701 --> 00:26:56,061 Michael got done for having a bag full of cash he couldn't explain - prick - 482 00:26:56,101 --> 00:26:58,141 and Mario's just about to get arrested. 483 00:26:59,141 --> 00:27:00,261 Happy days. 484 00:27:00,301 --> 00:27:04,301 I promise, one bottle of this and you'll be able to catch any of the guys you're chasing. 485 00:27:04,341 --> 00:27:09,141 Even the black guys. Look, mate, I don't want your stupid shit water. Now do one before I nick you. 486 00:27:09,181 --> 00:27:12,301 OK, I put you down as a maybe. You're fucking nicked. What?! 487 00:27:12,341 --> 00:27:15,261 No! See? It all worked out OK in the end. 488 00:27:15,301 --> 00:27:19,701 Argh, Ricky, I just got shot in the arse, bruv. 489 00:27:19,741 --> 00:27:22,061 Yeah, I know. 490 00:27:22,101 --> 00:27:24,101 Mad, innit? 491 00:27:24,141 --> 00:27:26,021 HE GROANS 492 00:27:28,581 --> 00:27:31,541 Subtitles by Red Bee Media 493 00:27:34,781 --> 00:27:40,381 # I know I'd go from rags to riches 494 00:27:41,381 --> 00:27:46,021 # If you would only say you care 495 00:27:47,501 --> 00:27:52,301 # And though my pocket may be empty 496 00:27:53,741 --> 00:27:57,821 # I'd be a millionaire. # 497 00:28:01,941 --> 00:28:03,181 Yeah, rude boy!