He fell asleep while I was sucking him off.
At first I thought he was dying, but now I get it.
We've dwindled.
And by "dwindled," I mean Tom's dick is under lock and key.
You think he's cheating?
If Tom were fucking someone else, he'd be a lot more upbeat.
I promise.
- It just sounds like he's really unhappy. - I hope so.
Oh, yeah. They're over the moon when they're banging someone new.
This has probably reached its natural end.
Stop that!
Well, ten years is a success.
If you're talking about keeping a rabbit alive.
It's not over.
Just to be safe, I booked in for some lipo.
"To be safe?"
Will you pick me up on Thursday at the usual place?
Yeah. Blacked-out windows, sick bag.
Count on me to honor my vow as your best friend
to conceal surgery from your husband.
I'll take you for your first tit lift once the baby's born.
Oh, about that...
- I've decided to keep Evan around. - Great!
- Until I'm showing. - Don't.
With Shep's baby.
Christ.
Shep as the father just makes the most practical sense.
And you think Evan will happily agree to this, will he?
You think it's practical to try for a baby with your greatest enemy?
Yes. You don't hate them before the baby's born. You hate them after anyway.
It's a business transaction.
Poor, hot Evan.
Evan will be fine.
He would've lost interest at some point anyway. They all do.
We might as well enjoy men as temporary figures
and focus on what is best for our children.
I thought that what was best for my child
was a stint at an arts college in Switzerland.
But he ran off with a German tranny from the music program.
And now he spins records on poppers.
Well, we are very sorry to hear that your son is a DJ, Maureen,
but we don't say "tranny," babe.
Would you girls like to hear his music?
- No, we can't... - Absolutely not.
- You don't have to wait. - I know. It's my pleasure.
Okay. Well, he just wants to talk about some Olive stuff.
- I'll be as quick as I can. - No rush. I've got an audio book.
Okay.
Hey.
Take a seat, please.
Don't touch anything.
For my own legal protection, I've been advised to record this conversation.
Advised by whom? A talking serpent?
You're very manipulative and it's the best way to protect my assets.
Oh, yeah, you got me.
This whole "let's have another baby" thing
isn't because Olive needs a sibling and I desperately want my perineum re-torn.
It's so I can trick you out of half your nothing.
- I've been advised... - In a fucking fever dream.
Tuesday evening, legacy agreement,
meeting one. Subjects on the agenda:
Name, religion, conception style, stud fee, hypnobirth...
Hypnobirth? You weren't even at Olive's birth.
- You went to motocross in Bucharest. - And whose fault was that?
Mine? Obama's? Amazon's? One of your top three enemies.
Petition A. If it's a boy, he is to be called Ethos.
You're not naming the baby. Not after your suggestions for Olive's name.
You wouldn't understand, 'cause you're not an artist.
I am literally an artist, and I'm not paying a stud fee
just so you can spend it on ammunition and strippers.
Petition B. Stud fee.
- Ten grand. - Shep!
I never wanted kids in the first place. I love the one we've got,
- but she's cost me a lot. - Cost a lot of what?
Precious hours you could've spent smoking hash on a dinghy?
- Cannabis is a tool. - You're a tool.
What is it even for?
It's for the grief counseling I'll need after seeing your tired old gash again.
I'm a pop star. I'm used to much higher quality.
Yeah? Well, while you've been living down here like Julian Assange,
there have been advances in medicine, so I can pay a doctor
and he can make a baby in a dish.
I know.
- But we're fucking. - We're fucking not!
- You can fuck me like you hate me. - I do hate you.
Likewise. Think about it.
A grudge-fuck might let some steam off those feelings
and ultimately make us better parents.
Aw, is that Gina Ford?
Petition C. The baby is to be conceived naturally.
No! No. I've got a perfectly qualified reproductive endocrinologist...
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let me stop you there.
No fucking way. I do not trust western medicine.
Doctors are a bunch of sick freaks playing god with pseudo-science.
That's an absolute deal-breaker.
So you'd rather fuck me?
You'd really rather fuck me?
Couldn't fuck you, no.
But...
I might be able to fuck the version of you that existed before I hated you.
Right.
Why are men so obsessed with banging 20-year-olds?
The only way this is gonna work is role play.
I have decided that this baby will be made
under the exact same conditions that Olive was made.
I'll be outside the stage door of the gig,
you stagger into the alley like the pathetic, skank groupie you were.
Oh, yeah, okay, cool.
And then you abandon me over and over
when I'm poor and scared and alone in a foreign country
and I lean on Bev and start a business to feed your child
and make your daughter think you're not the biggest cunt I've ever met.
You're still annoyed about that?
Do you know what?
I don't need this.
I'm out.
Yeah, you're bluffin'.
These are my requirements, kid, and I ain't backing down.
Think it over. I'll have a hard copy biked to your house.
You don't have a bike! You don't have a printer, Wolf of Wall Street.
You're an absolute crazy person.
Er, Katherine!
Einstein was a madman!
- Hey. - How'd it go?
Fine. It was fine.
Did I ever tell you that when Olive was born, he wanted to call her Garfield?
- No. - Yeah.
I mean, I've got a patient called Hannibal, but Garfield is worse.
- Will you take me for a drink? - What about the babysitter?
I'll keep her late. I just really wanna go for a drink with you.
Sure, babe.
Hi, Millie. It's nice to see you two girls finally getting along.
- Do you have any Coke? - No!
We can't have fizzy drinks. They'll ruin our teeth.
What would Dr. Evan say?
Since you're being so kind to Olive, I'll make an exception.
There's Coke in the fridge.
But she didn't even say please or thank you.
She grunted.
You've seen her parents.
Her parents have seen all of you in those Polaroids.
How much longer will this enforced play-date continue?
Like an hour? Just take her to your room and play ponies.
You mean our room.
No. Our room is my room. Your room is your room.
The room where all your toys are.
Oh, God, my toys!
You think you've got one over on that child's mother, don't you?
At what personal expense?
Now, you've sent naked pictures of yourself to her husband,
so the two of them, plus Olive's headmaster,
have seen you with your kit off.
And, on top of that, you're looking after her shit kid for free.
Only you could see that as a win.
I just think Olive needs more friends her own age.
Yeah. It's almost like you shouldn't be equals with a nine-year-old,
acting like you're sisters, sharing a bed.
Lots of people share a bed with their kids.
Lots of Michael Jackson. Literally no one else.
Well, I still think she should move out at her own pace.
Evan's spending the night
and even he agrees it's best for him to stay in her empty room.
Your boyfriend is not staying in a little girl's bedroom?
- Why not? - You can't keep a man
in a chihuahua-filled pink playhouse, sleeping with dolls,
and still expect him to fuck you.
Oh, I expect him to not fuck me.
I'm off the pill, so I'm avoiding sex with him anyway.
Well, if the fairy lights don't castrate him,
being stared out all night by one of your little pocket dogs will.
I haven't shared my best glitter markers
for you to be inappropriate with them, Millie.
I bet you've never even seen a willy.
I have.
I know men have them for weeing off the side of boats.
Well, have you ever walked in on your parents?
Yes, I walk in on my mum all the time.
With your dad?
With all sorts of people. Sometimes with my dad.
Sometimes with her friend Bev. Mostly on her own.
Your mum is a tart.
I beg your pardon!
She really needs to get a lock on her door.
Like my parents did after I walked in on them having sex.
Having sex?
Olive...
don't you know where babies come from?
Of course I do. When a mummy wants a baby, the doctor tells her how old her eggs are
and she picks blood from a book to hatch one.
I'm going to need some more pens.
Let's see...
Open up.
Hmm, your gums are bleeding.
That's how I can tell you haven't been doing it regularly.
I'm telling you, man...
girls, they don't like bad breath, bro.
It's all right. You've got time. It took me ages to find the one.
Oh, congratulations, brother.
Yeah. I feel like I'm finally making some headway with her.
Gonna start spending the night.
She's just got a lot of challenging history, you know?
Her kid's dad is complicated.
Really put her through some hell at one point. Trust issues, but...
I'll show her she can count on me.
I'll make a fun dad, hey, Tyler?
About a year ago, Leo told me I should walk away.
What was it you said?
That being with this woman was like sitting at a slot machine,
putting coins in, waiting for a windfall.
A real man sticks around, Tyler.
And you know the casino always wins,
but you can't leave, because, every once in a while,
the game chucks you back a few coins.
All right, Leo. It's...
You think, "If I give up now, the next guy who sits down is gonna hit the jackpot
and I will have wasted all this money."
The lesson, Tyler, is this. A single mother is never damaged goods.
I'm gay.
Oh, cool.
Ah... Awesome.
Hey, thanks for sharing. That's great.
- Fist bump? Well done, man. - No.
All right. Yeah, you... Totally... Mm-hmm.
What time did you get home last night?
Not too late.
I went and ran some errands with Dr. Evan and then we had a drink. Maybe 11.
Eleven o'clock?
Who stays out until eleven o'clock when they've got patients in the morning?
And you trust this man with my teeth?
What has been your problem all morning?
I'm not the one who's got a problem.
- Millie said... - Olive!
Never mind.
- Hey, Jane. - Doing the school run with a mug of tea?
Look, Brian, she's got a mug of tea.
A mug from home.
It's pretty wild, yeah.
I was over there, at home, drinking tea and now I'm still drinking it.
Oh, you're such a free spirit.
Look at us, having a laugh. This is what forgiveness is all about.
Hmm. Yeah.
Katherine, um, as a sort of a bonding exercise,
I'm... I'm gonna confide in you now.
Ever since I got sober,
I make a personal inventory every time I've been wrong
and I promptly make amends for it.
Well, I accept your apology.
Oh, um...
Yeah, the photo... I mean...
- Let's just draw a line under it. - Okay.
Millie just can't stop talking about what a wonderful time she had with Olive.
- Oh, great. - A mug of tea from home?
Yeah. It's an inside mug, but you're seeing it outside. I know.
Okay. Well, I really gotta go.
Let's get the girls together again soon then.
Tea from home!
Have you ever had sex with my dad?
With what?
You lied. Millie told me where babies come from, and you lied.
No. Babies can come from the fertility clinic. That's a way to make babies.
But the doctor doesn't use blood. He'd be using semen.
Se... Semen can have blood in it,
like if a man gets kicked in the nuts or has an infection.
And did you and Dad go to the fertility clinic to have me or...
We... went to a concert...
and you don't need to know the rest.
You had sex with my dad at a concert?
That's so gross, Mum! That's so gross.
It's so gross! I was really drunk.
Why would Millie tell you that?
It's not Millie's fault that you're disgusting!
This is why I didn't tell you about sex. I knew I'd lose your respect.
Mum, no, you're lying. Say that you're lying!
I've done a lot of things I'm really ashamed of, but I'm better now.
- You embarrassed me in front of her. - Well, she...
- I lied to you to protect you. - Millie had to tell me.
- Millie did not have to... - I can't trust you anymore.
I knew I shouldn't let Millie in the house.
You know what? You're a tart!
- No! Wha... - Hey, whoa, what's going on?
- What are you doing here? - You didn't tell her I was sleeping over?
So you can have sex again?
- Uhh... - Olive!
Dr. Evan's just gonna start spending the night as a test.
It's not a big deal.
I live here, too. I should've been consulted.
This is so you can have sex.
You can't talk to your mother like that.
You're not my dad.
That was fast.
And you're not my mother.
I don't know when you started thinking you were the boss,
but you need to go to your room.
You're going to have a new family with a dentist and forget about me.
Olive.
I'm going to our room and you will be sleeping there with me.
She's not normally like this. She made a new friend.
And you can tell that clown that I am not brushing my teeth tonight.
She doesn't mean that.
Hey, I, um...
I brought over a few things to show you.
You brought me a baby picture of yourself to show me?
I noticed you keep a lot of them around.
Of Olive.
It's pretty cute.
Yeah, I'm amazed they even got one of me awake.
You know, I was always just sleeping and laughing,
not being sick at all. That's my first day at school.
Oh, what's this? Oh!
- Is that my report card? - What's it doing in there?
"Evan makes friends easily
and is a natural leader in the classroom."
Wow.
You know, my mum was the only one in her friendship circle that didn't need Valium.
I should go check on Olive. I don't want her going to sleep angry.
- Sure you don't mind sleeping in her room? - Of course.
I just want you two girls to be comfortable.
Me holding my friend's kid.
I'll just leave it there.
You cleaned the kitchen.
It's true.
I had a wild first night.
- How's Olive? - Unrepentant and asleep.
Mmm, I can't.
Um...
I... I'm on my period.
I thought you said before real gangsters run red lights?
I was kidding.
Oh, seriously, I don't mind.
Especially since you've had it for, like, three weeks?
Well, I just came in here to make out a bit and...
suck you off?
Okay.
Whatever, let's just have sex. My jaw really hurts.
Okay.
Actually, no, wait, stop. Um...
I'm just really distracted. I'm worried about Bev's surgery tomorrow.
- Can we just... - Maybe you could just finish on me?
- Um... - Please. I'm really tired.
Okay.
So, like, tomorrow's just this routine procedure
where they inject tumescent fluid into the fat cells to break them apart,
then they suck them out and then put them back,
- just wherever you need volume. - Yeah.
Last time Bev did it, they got a liter and a half.
That's crazy. She's thin already.
- Hey, can we just... - Bev's thin because she gets lipo.
Oh, we can't tell Tom, but she never said I had to keep it from you.
Maybe you could pick us up? Then we wouldn't have to take a cab back.
Yeah, I, um...
I've gotta fit a crown after lunch,
but, uh, it's pretty important in terms of...
...uh, restoring the...
...function.
I'd feel bad if I moved it, so...
I could come after.
Or you could come now.
Here.
Oh, my God, you cleaned up in here, too?
Wow.
You are, like, so good looking and funny and nice.
You're a real catch.
Maybe we should have sex.
Good night.
- What? - I'm going to my room.
No, darling, you shouldn't have put all your trucks in the toilet.
Put Daddy on again, please, and I'll speak to you after dinner.
What's going on?
Well, talk to him, Tom.
Find out who's teaching him words like "dirty protest."
All right, I'll see you tonight.
Love you.
Hey. How are you feeling?
A bit of pain in my chest.
It's from the breathing tube. It's always the worst of it.
Oh, my God, get this. Jane is in AA.
- There goes the second A. - I saw her with Brian
and the rat child, and she apologized to me.
How funny would it be if she started drinking again?
Oh, shit.
Shit. I feel like I'm gonna die.
That's not funny, you cunt.
Bollocks.
I can't breathe.
My boys.
Calling "Where's Mum?"
Are you okay? Okay, all right.
- Can we have some help in here? - Breathe.
- I need you to wait outside, please. - No. Bev?
Breathe!
- I need you to wait outside. - I didn't mean it.
Bev?
Hey, what's going on?
I called her a cunt.
What's an embolism?
Well, when you're having a routine fat transfer,
sometimes they put it back too deep and it forms a clot that travels to the lungs.
That's why, when you're older, it's so important
that you only choose the best plastic surgeon.
Why didn't Auntie Bev have the best doctor?
She did, but he was abusing amphetamines.
How many days are you going to be dressing like a witch for?
For as long as I'm in mourning.
But, Mummy...
Bev's still alive.
Yeah, Bev pulled through, luckily,
but my mind went straight to the grief and then immediately to the outfit.
Who would look after me if you died?
Well, I guess your dad would have to give it his best shot.
And... And would Daddy look after our baby, too?
No, not unless he was the baby's dad.
I think you'd better try extra hard to stay alive.
Maybe leave all your fat where it is.
Aww, that's not realistic, is it, honey?
Ooh la la!
Bonjour, Celine Dion. Who died?
Daddy!
Aunt Bev almost died, Daddy.
Thanks for saying I'm like Celine Dion.
What are amphetamines, Dad?
They're incredible. What happened to Bev?
She had an operation.
So Mum got her black clothes out of the cellar, because she's sad.
I've got to go.
Thank you.
- Bev didn't die. - She died for a minute.
- Imagine needing attention that bad. - Hey,
I am fucking sad.
- If I die... - Nobody died.
If I died...
before you, I mean, which would be so unfair,
considering you're a junkie who's had syphilis at least twice...
Beat syphilis twice. Go on.
I would want my children to stay together.
You think I'm gonna keep my favorite and sell the other one?
Ideally, you'll be dismembered in a boating accident
and the children and I will be free to get on with our lives.
In any case, you've got a deal.
To secure my children's future together, I will agree to the terms of the...
...legacy agreement.
The name?
The ten grand?
The...
natural conception?
- Assuming your dick still works. - Oh, my dick works.
That's one of you with a job then.
Fuck you, motherfucker. I wish I trusted doctors.
This is gonna be the greatest sacrifice of my life.
You think? Welcome to parenthood, shit-hawk!