[Joanna] And I don't know if you can see the edging
on this bow.
These are the kinds of little details that we're seeing
out of all of the big fashion houses
in Paris, in Milan.
You know, these are, these are those incredible details
that make you go, "Okay, there is literally no reason
to ever go to Europe
when you can get fashions like this
right out of your very own home."
[Beena] [over earpiece] Uh, that's great, Joanna.
Patricia wants you to mention your condition.
A-And look at this paprika spice.
Don't we just love? [laughs]
[Beena] Hey, Joanna.
Yeah, Patricia wants you to talk about
your cancer again, so...
-mention your cancer. -[clears throat]
And I have to tell you, my gals and my girls,
if I can just be real for a moment,
um, as I said before,
I'm currently fighting cancer.
And there is just something
about a chic, sleek, sophisticated top...
[Patricia] This girl's gonna make me a fortune.
Look at these fucking numbers.
Literally these numbers. [chuckles]
[Joanna] We've got the Dalmatian, that really
creamy white with the black edging.
Why are you hovering? Stop hovering.
[Darcy] I know.
Standing over you like a psycho. Um...
So, um...
I know you don't love it when people ask for time off of work,
but, um, the weekend of the 15th,
my friend Heesok invited me
to Martha's Vineyard.
He got a plus-one to Graydon Carter's
barn-warming.
He's the former editor of Vanity Fair.
Yeah, I know who he is.
Founding Father-looking motherfucker. [laughs]
You ever been to Martha's Vineyard?
-Oh, my God, no. -Mm.
[Joanna] ...and I've never been to France but
I do wish to go one day. [laughs]
And then we've got...
[slurps]
[whispers] It's so snobby, you'll love it.
Oh, my God. [laughs]
Thank you so much. That rocks. [laughs]
Now, which one of these tops
is lifting your spirits today, Barb?
[Patricia] People love this
sob story shit.
[Darcy] I know, right? It's like, give me a break,
but also it is sad.
[Marcy] [over laptop] But you did have it. You did.
You had cancer.
I know, but, Mom...
She's saying she has it now. She doesn't have it now.
Dad, okay, stop yelling.
I'm the only one not yelling.
But you are being combative.
By pointing out that she lied?
-That's what she did. -She is just selling
blouses on TV, she's not under oath.
Can we stop? Stop.
[Marcy sighs]
What do you need, Joanna?
I-I... [sighs]
I just want someone to tell me what to do.
Joey, remember at Costco
when Esther in produce admitted she stole
a bunch of shrimp for her family reunion?
Did I fire her? No.
I said, "Here's a good person who made a mistake."
You're a human being. You screwed up.
It'll all be okay.
I think I have to tell the truth.
lighthearted, pensive music
[indistinct chatter]
[shushing]
Oh, my great goodness. I heard everything. Come here.
Come on. Big hug.
-Oh... [inhales sharply] -Oh, thank you.
Oh, dear Jesus.
You're not gonna take this one yet.
She's got too much to do. She's a fighter.
In your name we pray, amen.
[sighs] Thank you.
You're so welcome. You want to take a seat?
Oh, I can just sit on these boxes.
No, absolutely not. Absolutely not, precious one.
You're gonna sit right here. Hey, Janet? [clicks tongue]
Shake a leg.
She got cancer and needs a seat. There you go.
Okay.
-[sighs] -[chuckles]
Shoot me your name one more time?
Joanna.
Okay, so let's start.
[upbeat music plays]
[Donna] [over video] This week we're celebrating
30 years of Jackie Stilton.
She's brought over 200,000 amazing products
into your living room, with her number one show,
Beautiful You, the longest running,
best-selling program in the history
of the Special Value Network.
Hi, my name is Jackie Stilton
and thank you so much for welcoming me
into your home.
-Oh, my God. -[Jackie] I'm Jackie Stilton
and welcome to Beautiful You. I'm Jackie Stilton
and welcome to Beautiful You
from Orlando, Florida.
I'm Jackie Stilton and welcome to Beautiful You.
This is an exact replica
of the engagement ring that Prince Charles
gave to Princess Diana.
What a perfect couple.
This is one of those pieces that's a must-have.
All of my colors here today
are stun-ning.
[Donna] And this week we celebrate
Jackie's 30th anniversary.
We watch you every week
down here in Tallahassee.
Happy Jackiversary, Jackie!
I never miss your show!
[Donna] Happy Jackiversary, Jackie,
from all of us at SVN.
Enjoy up to 30% all week using the checkout code
"Jackiversary." Restrictions apply.
Not valid in Hawaii, California or Alaska. Not valid...
[cheering and whooping]
[woman] Love you!
My dear, late friend Bernie Madoff
used to say, "Certain people
just have 'it.'"
Well, I knew Jackie had "it"
from the moment we met in her audition.
-Congrats on 30 years, baby. -Thank you.
[applause]
Thank you so much, Patricia.
And thank you to all of you.
I love you so much. You really are like family to me.
And, Joanna,
I just want to say, with everything
that you're going through, we are here for you.
Oh, I...
I thank... And I thank you.
Welcome. Anyhow,
cheers. Chin, chin to me!
[cheering and laughter]
Hey, hey, hey. Hey. That's enough.
All right.
Now, we will be gathering interviews from you all
for more Jackiversary promos
running all week.
-Beena? -Oh.
To celebrate Jackie, we have canned mojitos
from Cocktails of the Month.
Please only take one and sign the sheet.
And if you're not gonna take one, that's fine,
we still need you to indicate it on the sheet.
Oh, and also, please write the last four digits
of the SKU number on your can next to your name.
Those are those little numbers right under the barcode.
Absolutely no social media. Congratulations, Jackie!
[cheering]
[indistinct chatter]
[Patricia] Pull the Mulch Prince leaf blowers
and bump the citronella tikis to clearance, yes?
-Can I help you? -Can I help you?
[Joanna] Um, I wanted to see if I could
speak with you for a-a moment.
Oh, well, if you want a meeting with Patricia,
-you have to schedule through... -No, no, no. No, no, no.
It's okay. Let's talk.
Uh...
Um...
So, how are you feeling?
Well, okay. You know,
physically, I'm hashtag living.
Yeah, hashtag "I'm Lovin' It."
Boo, doo, poom, poom, poom! Yeah.
Let's all go down to the Mickey D's
and get some cheeseburgers.
Um, but,
uh, emotionally, I kind of wanted to talk to you.
[Patricia] Your numbers
for the Vera Nash line were excellent.
You even sold out of the ugly one.
People are really connecting with your cancer story.
[sighs] Yeah. Um, you know,
that's kind of what I wanted to
connect, um, to... a-and with you
about at this meeting
that is today and now.
I thought,
maybe I don't talk about the cancer anymore, you know?
Because, this is crazy, okay, just...
What if my story is...
My grandparents are Jewish immigrants
from Poland, and we
looked it up on a trip to Israel,
and I actually
come from a long line of upholsterers--
Joanna, we'll go with the cancer.
We're gonna do everything we can
to make you comfortable.
Maybe you need a bigger dressing room.
We could always swap her out with Beth Ann.
What?
You got a problem with that?
No. I think yeah.
Give her Beth Ann's room 'cause it's bigger.
That's not necessary.
All right, Darcy, make sure she's taken care of.
Yes.
Go ahead, sweetie.
-Eat a Rolo. -Oh. Are you s...
Okay.
[chuckles]
[Darcy] I'm almost positive I was clear on this
when we met, but in the off chance I wasn't,
typically, if you do want a meeting with Patricia,
you would schedule that through me.
-Okay. -Instead of just walking up
to her like you're two humans on the same level,
you know what I mean?
Oh, hey, Joanna, did you get a chance
to finish your start paperwork?
Kind of in the middle of something here, Beena.
Oh, I-I'm sorry, Darcy.
I actually had a quick question for you, too.
-Mm-hmm? -Can you fuck the hell off?
-Why don't you go fuck off? -Oh, why don't you
-lick shit and die, Darcy. -Go fuck yourself, Beena.
Oh, you want to fuck around and find out, motherfucker?
-Fuck you! -Oh, fuck you!
[scoffs] So, it's like Patricia said,
whatever you need, please don't hesitate to ask me.
Seriously. It's my pleasure to take care of you.
Um, no, I'm fine.
Really, I don't want special treatment.
-Joanna, you're sick. -No, I'm not.
You're not sick?
Oh, no, I am, but sick... I am sick,
but I don't want anything special.
Okay. You hang in there, okay?
Okay.
Oh, actually, um, I think I noticed
Nutri-Grain bars in the meeting.
Um, maybe one of those would be nice.
I-I skipped breakfast,
so...
Okay, diva, you got it.
[sighs]
Fuck a fucking duck in a rug.
Dude, everyone here is completely insane,
-except for you. -[chuckles] I know.
Like, Joanna just now was like,
"Yo, I need Nutri-Grain bars, like, now!"
And it's like, don't get me wrong, like, I feel for her,
but, like, I'm sorry, since when do I have to babysit her?
Like, why is this being hoisted onto my plate,
-you know what I mean? -Darcy, she has cancer.
A hundred percent.
And I hate that.
[scoffs]
lighthearted music
[buzzing]
We got a very special caller calling in.
It is Mama St. James.
Good morning to you, my darling mother dear.
[Mama St. James] Good morning, son.
You know I love seeing you cooking up some grub,
so I just had to call.
Well, Mama, who do you think I learned it from? You!
I'm telling y'all, I was wearing this woman's aprons
and baking cakes since I was knee-high. [chuckles]
[Mama St. James] Well, if you're cooking it,
I know it's good, son.
Oh, I love you to bits, my darling one.
I'll see you at church on Sunday. Mwah.
That's it for moi. Adios to all my lovelies.
We'll see you next time on Kitchen Corner.
And, hey, check me out on Facebook and the TikTok, huh?
-[director] Clear. -Cute, Perry.
I need you for the Jackiversary thing real quick, okay?
What to say about my Jackie?
Honey, you have been with me through all my hairdos
and my hair-don'ts, but I'll tell you what,
you're the only ponytail I want to yank. Bad!
Happy Jackiversary. [chuckles]
I'm going again right-right away. I just...
I didn't, I didn't like it. Come on, bud. You got this.
-[Darcy] I thought it was fine. -[stammers] Well, well...
I'm the one who's on camera, honey. Ready?
I'm gonna pop up into it.
Jackie Stilton is literally an icon.
She started working here before I was even born.
Isn't that wild?
I love you, Jackie. I'm so proud of you.
Happy Jackiversity.
You said "Jackiversity." It's "Jackiversary."
Like anniversary.
Jackiversity. That's what I said.
I need to talk to you.
Going out of my mind. Okay, so...
what you need to know is, in the meeting this morning,
Patricia, like, floated the idea
of Joanna getting your dressing room.
-Are you fucking kidding me? -Stop.
I've worked here for three years.
I work harder than anybody else here.
I work my little asshole off.
What did you say to her?
Obviously, I said, "By no means."
Are you kidding me? I always go to bat for you.
-[grunts loudly] -Beth Ann,
don't be upset.
[shouts]
We're upset.
We're upset today.
For 30 years, I've been guided by one idea,
that I'm not just here to sell you something,
I'm here to make your life better
because life is complicated.
Take it from me, I'm recently divorced.
I know how important it can be
just to have that little special something arrive in the mail.
Yeah. Amazing. Incredible. Effortless.
Let's just do one without the divorce mention. Cool.
Oh. Patty, why?
Can we keep it? I like it.
[Darcy] She wants to chat with you about it.
-Oh. Really? -[Darcy] Yeah.
-[sighs] -[Darcy] Okay, we can cut.
Oh. Hey, Mama.
Oh, hey, Beth Ann.
Ugh, I know it sucks not having a sink
in your dressing room. You have to come in here to wash
your dirty mug, but, look, sinks are kind of
for more senior people. Don't ask me why. It's so dumb.
-Yeah. -I heard
that Patricia was, like, mentioning us switching rooms?
Which is like, I love the idea.
I think other people would be like,
"What?"
Oh, don't worry. I don't want your dressing room.
Totally. Yeah.
-Do you have a tampon? -Oh.
I don't... No. I don't have a tampon on me. Sorry.
I go through so many tampons.
There's, like, nowhere in this bathroom
to put your tampon while you pee.
What?
There's no shelf
in the stall.
To put your tampon when you have to take it out so you can pee.
Oh, you don't have to...
-How was your Rolo? -What?
Patricia seems to, like, love you, which is so amazing.
It's actually, like,
messed up that she was about to fire you,
and then you were like, "I have cancer!"
And now you're here. [chuckles]
That's, like, wild.
[crunching]
slow, tense music
[door locks]
-[urinating] -[Meegan] You really can tell
when something is missing that mark of authenticity.
Oh, you can?
All of our fauxs are made
by our master floral artist
who recreates English roses
petal by petal
for our plastics factory in Panama.
Wow. That is just incredible. Now, just to ask,
even if you look at it up close,
you can't really tell that these are faux, can you?
There is no detectable difference
to the human eye.
So there's no risk of getting caught by your coworkers?
-I don't think so. -You don't think there is?
Or you know for a fact that there isn't? [chuckles]
I know?
Look at you.
[Patricia chuckles]
I'm so goddamn proud of you.
[Jackie] 30 years.
-Has it really been that long? -[Patricia chuckles]
30 fucking years is right.
You just getting started, baby.
You're the shit,
and don't you forget it.
Cheers, baby.
-Cheer... Eye contact. -[laughs]
Ah.
-So, about the divorce. -Yes.
I don't think we need to bring it out.
What do you mean, "bring it out"?
I don't think we need to bring the divorce
out on the air, darling.
Why?
-Hey. -Oh, hey.
Uh, so Darcy said you wanted some Nutri-Grain bars.
Not to put you on blast, but...
I thought we could do so much better.
We got some dark chocolate pretzels,
Utz potato chips, Babybels,
and, uh, oh, took a big swing here,
coffee syrups.
Oh, my living fuck.
Jordan, I love flavored coffee.
Uh, yeah, uh, Haselnuss, right?
-I don't... -It's German for hazelnut.
-Oh, Haselnuss. -Sorry. Yeah. [chuckles]
-Such an international man. -Eh, well.
I can't wait to munch on all of these snacks.
I mean, this little piggy loves to oink, oink, oink.
I got you a, uh, speaker, too, you know?
-Oh. -And if you ever get stressed,
I have a really good playlist for anxiety.
[laughs] Wait, what are you anxious about,
Mr. Perfect Per...son?
Oh, God. I mean, lots of shit, you know?
Like, climate change, racism,
do people like me? Mostly just anything that exists.
[inhales sharply] I'm very fun.
[laughs]
Well, um, I get it.
I have anxiety, too, and, um,
some people might call me a total whack job.
Psychopath.
-No, no. -[laughing]
-[continues laughing] -[chuckles]
Um, but, anyways,
I just want to say thank you
for this very luxe spread.
-Yeah. -It's very, um,
chivalrous of you.
Well, I know that you're, uh, you know...
You're dealing with... what you're dealing with.
And, uh, just wanted to say,
"We got you," you know?
-Right. -Fuck cancer.
-Right. -Oh.
-Absolutely. Fuck it. Fuck... -Sorry, that's... Yeah.
Anyway, so anything we can do to make you more comfortable,
just let me know, all right?
-Thank you so much. -All right.
I got to get back on the floor, uh...
-Okay. -Anything else,
-just let me know. -Okay. Merci, monsieur.
Uh... I only speak German. Sorry.
[laughing] Au revoir.
People tune in to see the Jackie
they've been watching for decades.
-Mm. Yeah. -She's hip. She's cool.
Best friend in a leather jacket.
-Yes. -Drives a Mazda Miata
-and has it all together. -[Jackie laughs]
I still drive a Mazda Miata.
People love Jackie and Marty, hmm?
[Jackie] Mm-hmm. Right, but...
Ah-ah. I don't think we want to fuck with that.
Right, but I don't love Jackie and Marty.
I just want to be real with people, you know? I mean,
I was actually thinking it would be
-an empowering thing for women. -Jackie,
Santa Claus might have issues with Mrs. Claus,
but we don't want to hear about it.
We just want it to be Christmas.
You know what I'm saying.
Huh, that's a good point.
I don't even want to think about that.
-I love Christmas. -Mm.
So, we're good?
-Yeah. -Mm.
-[sighs] -Yeah, we're good.
Okay.
Just... Doesn't it bother you that it's not true?
[sighs]
slow, tense music
[sighs]
The Joy of You is bringing
this new varietal, the Queen Anne's Rose, and just feel
-how silky soft the petals are. -[electricity buzzes]
Geez... Fuck.
Joanna?
Oh, hey. How are you?
Eh. I'm so-so.
[sighs]
Oh, my God.
Your dressing room is awful.
That is so mean of them.
You know, I'm making it work.
Hey, would you want to go do something really fun with me?
[Joanna] Oh, my God.
[Jackie] I know.
I just come in here sometimes just to think and
be peaceful if I'm having a stressful day.
Hmm. Did you know that I went to the Sistine Chapel once,
and I felt nothing,
but when I come in here... [sighs]
-it's my heaven. -[sighs]
Oh, my God, is this a Guernsey & Dorn Maxi Dress?
With the lilac knife pleat.
They don't make that anymore.
-[sighs] -Come over here.
Okay.
I was thinking about
everything you're going through,
and I thought that maybe
we could pick you out a cute cancer wig.
-[sighs] Oh. -What do you think?
That's so nice, but, um, that's really not necessary.
[British accent] Hello, I'm Gordon Ramsay.
-Your restaurant is shit. -[laughs]
Okay, I'm gonna try.
I'm Monica from Friends.
-[laughs] -Not now, Chandler.
-[both laugh] -That's so good.
Thanks.
This is so fun. I could do this forever.
Can you imagine if I did this to my hair?
Like, totally changed my whole look?
Patricia would shit a brick.
Oh, my God, I think you look hot.
-You do? -Yeah.
I think Patricia would love it.
Hmm.
Remember how she said we met at my audition?
-Yeah. -That's not the real story.
-It's not? -No.
We actually met at Neiman Marcus.
She worked there, and I would come in all the time just to
try on all the clothes, and, oh, my God, she was always
dressed head-to-toe gorgeous. She looked like a supermodel.
We would always chitchat.
And then, one day, I got caught shoplifting.
[gasps] Jackie.
I know, I was very, very, very
bad. [sighs]
It was just a bad habit for a little while.
When I didn't have any money, I would just, you know,
I don't know, kind of fall in love with stuff.
Take out that five-finger coupon,
and it's all yours.
-[chuckles] -This is pretty. Anyhoops,
I did eventually get arrested,
and Patty is the one who bailed me out of jail,
and then she actually gave me a job,
but she doesn't like people to know that story
'cause she thinks it's like "bad PR" or whatever.
Wow. I didn't realize you two were such close friends.
Yeah, we're actually really close.
I mean, she's done so much for me.
I-I do truly adore her,
but...
I don't know.
[sighs]
But she just sees you one way.
You can't really break out of that.
Hmm.
It's like...
like, once she's decided what you are,
she'll never let you
-stop being that. -Oh.
Never? But, like, maybe at some point?
No. Nope.
And it's just, like, I don't want to have to fake
being who I am, you know?
I want to be like you.
Like authentic and free and real.
Yes. I'm... exactly...
-You know? -...like that.
What to say about Jackie Stilton?
Okay, um, well,
this is kind of embarrassing to admit, but
when I was a kid, I would call in to her show every week,
and I would just hope and hope and hope
that I would get through. [chuckles]
-[Beth Ann laughing] -[Darcy] Stop.
[whispers] Darce, do you have a handkerchief? I'm gonna cry.
[Darcy] [laughing] Stop.
You know, I-I would pretend
that I wanted to buy stuff, and I did,
but really I just wanted to talk to Jackie.
-[giggling] -Shh. Stop.
In some ways Jackie was like
my first real friend.
Oh, my God, I'm a weird little girl who's, like,
best friends with a 30-year-old lady on TV.
-Shh. Stop. -I want an Academy Award
-for being sick. -Stop.
[Beth Ann laughs]
Does she think she's Muriel Streep?
[Patricia] Obviously,
Annipizzary.
Darcy, are the Basquiat people
still trying to rat-fuck me, or will there be
new art in my home on Sunday?
[Darcy] They're idiots over there.
-I'm like... -Gee.
Patricia?
Um...
You had mentioned that I could have
Beth Ann's dressing room.
Well,
I would like to go ahead and have it.
Okay, but we need to discuss that,
-right? -I'm...
not sure if you heard, but I have cancer.
Darcy,
make it happen.
Of course.
joyful music
I bid you all adieu.
upbeat theme music
Welcome to Beautiful You.
I can't believe I've been doing this show for 30 years.
I am just so grateful
to all of my Jackalopes out there.
Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Okay. We have so many amazing
Jackiversary deals this hour, all up to 30% off,
all on Flexi-pay, we love that.
-Mm-hmm. -I want to kick this off
with some absolutely
show-stopping jewels and gems.
Say hi to the brilliant designer
behind the Dazzling Diamonessence line,
Miss Fitzy-Ellen Boatman.
Fitzy-Ellen, you know I love to see you.
And I am so proud of you.
-Happy Jackiversity, doll. -Thank you, my dear.
Did she say "Jackiversary" or "Jackiversity"?
It's fine. Patricia wanted it slightly confusing
so people use the wrong code at checkout.
And just like the tennis bracelet,
the eternity pendant
-is single-origin Diamonessence. -Hot.
[Jackie] [over monitor] I'm being told
we have a surprise caller. Hello there, beautiful you.
[Marty] [over phone] Hi, Jackie.
Oh, it's your husband, Marty. Hi, Marty.
[Marty] Happy 30th anniversary, Jackie.
I'm so proud of you, and I love you.
[Fitzy-Ellen] Oh, he's such a charmer.
-I love it when Marty calls. -Thank you, Marty.
"In Camera" by Yumi Zouma
[Fitzy-Ellen] You are gonna sparkle.
It doesn't matter what you wear with them.
[Jackie] Well, thank you so much for joining me.
Keep it here for It's a Cinch with Helen Fazeli-Bink.
Bye, now.
[Jordan] Clear.
Like a fool, I call you on a Saturday...
-[sighs] Be right back. -Y-You okay?
[Joanna] Whether it's the Starry Night,
the Turkey-Tail Lilac,
or the Sage Bush, you're getting a floral
with rich color,
and I got to tell you,
when you're dealing with cancer,
or any life challenge, you need
J-O-Y,
and that spells "joy."
And these arrangements
bring so much joy into my life.
Are these flowers real? Maybe not.
But if they are bringing beauty,
positivity, and connection
into your world, does it really matter
that they're faux?
I say no.
If I give in, everything has changed
All right
[sighs]
Don't ever do that to me again.
What do you mean, Patricia asked you?
Well, if she asks you again, Marty, just say no.
[sighs] Okay, fine.
Hey, new neighbor.
-Oh, hey, Joanna. -[laughs]
[laughs] Neighbors.
Glad they got you out of that shithole.
Oh, me, too.
-It's great. -Hey, um, uh,
I was just wondering,
what are you up to right now?
[soft lounge music playing]
We actually met at a tanning salon.
[laughs]
-I know, very romantic. -Wow.
I was in one bed, and Marty was one bed over, and I said to him,
"I love this place." And he goes,
"Well, guess what. I own it."
[laughs] Small business owner.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
We were kind of inseparable after that.
But then, a few years ago,
I found out that he was hiding money
-in a secret account. -[scoffs]
Money I didn't even know we had.
-Ew. -I-I've always had
my little spending issue, but I have never lied to anyone, ever.
I mean, how do you fucking do that?
Like, deceive someone you care about?
Every single day, like it's nothing?
[sighs]
That's why I'm so grateful for you, Joanna.
I hate liars.
Give me anything but a lying little liar, you know?
Mm-hmm. I do.
I do know.
I wish all liars would drop dead.
They should rot in hell.
-Yeah. -No, thank you.
Yeah, I hate liars, too.
What a, what a bad thing to do.
-Mmm. -Yeah.
Okay.
"Numbers Don't Lie" by The Mynabirds
It was always
What you said it would be
And nothing more
Through the smoke screens
And the pipe dreams
And the blood on the floor
Well, you say it's black
Well, it's bound
To be black
You made up your mind
And you see
With that
Baby, if you want to be right
I will let you be right
You know that the numbers don't lie
Oh, no, the numbers don't lie
Two wrongs will not make it right
[man] No traipsing.