lively dance music
Attention, Costco shoppers.
Toilet paper is back in stock.
The barbecue grill sale is extended to the end of the week.
-Hi, Pam. Hi, Carl. -Hey.
I'm on a break from filming.
We call it a "hiatus" in the biz.
Back for my dad's birthday,
-All right. -So...
-Hi, Helen. -Hi.
Hi, Su... zie.
Joanna.
Oh...
um...
Eban. E-Epan?
-Ethan. -Ethan. Right.
F-From...
We went on a couple dates in May.
Right.
Uh... hmm.
You still look at my LinkedIn profile
a few times a week.
Oh, you can see that?
Yeah, I get notifications.
Huh. Huh.
Babe!
Look how big this cookie is.
It's gonna take me, like, a whole week just to eat this.
--Babe.
-Hmm? -This is Joanna.
Joanna, this is my girlfriend
Margot.
Hi. I love your look.
It must be so hard for female rabbis
to know what to wear.
Um, I'm actually a television personality
on SVN.
Wait a sec, I think I saw you on it last week.
Weren't you the dead hooker that got washed up
under the Verrazano?
Um, I think you're thinking of SVU.
I'm on SVN.
Oh.
Oh, my gosh!
You're Joanna Gold.
I watch you every week on TV.
I just bought
this tote from you last week.
Ah, the python neoprene.
It goes with everything.
Can I get a picture?
Of course.
Uh, Ethan, could you take it?
-Huh? Yeah, sure. -Oh.
Yes. Okay. All right.
Uh, you're getting a call.
From who?
Uh... "Crap Doctor."
He'll call back.
So, I basically don't have to buy
any clothes.
It's kind of like a Sarah Jessica Parker situation,
like when she was on Sex and the City, so...
I hope you all saved extra room.
Oh.
We have two cakes.
Oh. Okay.
The Schweifflers heard about your cancer coming back,
and they dropped this off this morning.
So what?
What are you gonna do, throw it away? It's free cake.
I'm just saying, people are taking time out of their lives
to do nice things for us, and it's based on a lie.
Okay, well, you know what, Dad?
I got you this for your birthday.
Oh.
Well, if you don't want it, I'll take it.
No, no, I-I want it.
Mmm.
Free cake.
Will you make me the happiest man in the world?
Yes!
"Give Me Your Love" by Sandy Mercer
Hey, baby
Give me your love
Hey, baby
You got me grooving now
Give me your love
Now that you belong to me
Give me your love
Let it feel good to me
Give me your love
Let it get inside of me
Give me your love
It'll set my body free
Give me your love, give me your love
Ooh-whee
Give me your love, give me your love
Hey, baby, you got me groovin'
-Hey, Tour de France. -Hey.
Did you ride your bike to work?
Yeah.
Yeah. Um, how was your weekend?
Oh, you know, it was good.
I, um...
I visited my parents in Cleveland.
Oh, cool.
Yeah. Uh, it was my dad's birthday,
but the only gift he wanted was to spend time with me.
So...
How was your weekend?
Oh, God. Well, uh...
I watched the Eagles lose.
And, uh, then I cleaned my dad's gutters.
Wow.
It sounds like we both...
-love our dads.
--Shit!
Um, we should probably,
-you know... -Yeah.
-Okay. -Don't worry about it.
It's-it's fine.
So, uh, when did you learn to ride a bike?
Hey, baby
You got me groovin' now
Okay. Who is she?
I didn't realize we had company.
Just had a four-hour dinner with Bloomberg.
I figured I deserved it. Give it.
Oh, my God. It felt like the inside of a croissant.
Q-2 come in?
Yes. And, um...
the numbers... are not great.
What the fuck?
I know. Apparently HSN
beat us out for the first time in six years.
-What? -I know, but we did know
they got Bobby Flay's new cooking line.
That fool.
Cooking Southwestern.
The motherfucker's Irish.
Also, they apparently got a huge bump
from that climate change special
they did. I guess they raised a whole bunch
of money for endangered animals.
What is wrong with people?
If the pandas don't want to fuck, that's their business.
Well, I don't think that's what it's really about, but--
Leslie Dean LaFarge.
That bitch ripped off my network.
And now they're pulling ahead?
Get me Monica from Omni Belle
-Beauty Baby Home. -Mm-hmm.
We got to keep her hooked, or this cocksucker's
gonna steal all my top brands.
Copy.
You have a beautiful turmeric, which, actually,
it feels very spicy, very Indian.
Kind of reminds me
-of my honeymoon in India, -Camera two.
where Austin and I actually got to...
Oh, hey, Beena.
That's my personal fruit.
Oh.
I'm sorry. It-it wasn't labeled.
Oh, it's totally fine. I don't mind at all.
You can just Venmo me a dollar.
Okay. I-I will.
You can do it right now if you want.
Like, while you're in front of me.
Oh, sure.
Okay.
Jordan ate a banana, too.
"Show deposit"?
What show is this hunk doing?
Hey, uh, Beena?
Um, what are kind of the rules
in terms of, like, dating coworkers?
Oh, I'm not currently looking for a relationship.
Oh, no, I-I was actually talking about someone else.
Oh, yeah, it's no problem. There's no protocols here.
No boundaries whatsoever.
Get it, girl!
I'm going to get it.
You can wear them out to brunch,
or a girls' night on the town or to your place of worship.
And they are so comfortable.
I actually like to just wear them around the house.
They're almost like slippers. I,
um, want to tell you guys something,
and this is kind of a secret, but...
I was born with asthma.
I outgrew it...
But it could come back.
It could come back at any moment.
Oh, fuck.
Hey, babe.
-Hi, Pat. How are you doing? -I'm good.
You guys are my friends, and I trust you.
Um, that's why I love...
Um, can I just talk to you
about something really quickly?
I just want to say, I really did not love
you having Marty dial into my show, Pat.
And why is that?
Well, I told you that I'm fine with not bringing
the divorce out, but having my ex-husband call
into my show and pretend like we're still together?
I think that's, like, pushing it a little, Pat.
I'm sure you could understand why that might
be upsetting to me.
You had fucking
unbelievable sales.
Now, forgive me for thinking that's related.
Well, I don't really care.
That's what I'm trying to tell you.
Oh, so now you don't care about the sales?
Well, no, I mean, I do care.
-I mean, you know that I care. -Okay.
Yeah, I know you care.
And that's good, because that's what pays
for those sexy little boots.
Pat, I feel like you're not really hearing me.
They are so comfortable.
I actually like to just wear them around the house.
-It's Jordan. -Oh, hold on one second.
Come in.
Hey.
For you.
What is this?
It's your fan mail.
Oh, my God. I have fans?
Wow.
A religious bookmark. So fun.
Uh, so, uh...
um...
tell me about "show deposit
to Donde Esta Cantina."
Qué pasa with that?
What?
Oh, I saw it on your Venmo page.
I'm not sure if you saw it,
but I liked the transaction.
Okay. Um...
yeah, my band's playing a little gig there tonight.
It's, uh, the coveted Monday 7 p.m. slot.
Oh, my gosh.
That's amazing.
I definitely want to come. Is it sold out?
Uh, no, it's definitely not sold out.
It's very low-key.
Well, that's...
that's just insane.
I mean, y'all's band
is just so unbelievable.
People need to see how talented y'all are.
Have you heard our music?
It's... I don't, um...
How much are tickets?
20 bucks, plus a two-drink minimum.
Mm. Feels, like, high, right?
Well, anyway...
you've been incredibly nice to me,
and you're definitely an important,
an important person in my life.
So, I'm...
def, I'm def gonna be there tonight.
Sorry. Go for Jordan.
-Mm, yoink. -Uh...
-Just kidding. -Just, hold on.
Go for Jordan.
Um, I got to go.
You know, I think that
-your fan's set to heater mode. -Okay.
I think that you're set to heater mode.
But, um... I'll definitely
be there tonight, and, um...
I'm gonna bring a lot of people.
Oh, okay.
Well, you're very sweet, but please
don't-don't... You don't have to do that.
All right, bye.
"You're sweet"?
Okurrr.
Hey, Darcy. I wanted to see
if it would be possible
for me to get the company-wide email list.
Why?
Well, I wanted to send out a blast
about Jordan's show tonight at Donde Esta Cantina.
You should come.
He has a show?
Listen, in terms of the email list,
that's not something I can just give out, especially to you.
You've been working here for, like, no minutes.
Anyway, I have to get back to work.
Again, slammed.
I love live music.
I'm so glad we're doing this.
Oh, me, too.
I didn't even know Jordan was in a band.
He's so layered.
Oh...
my...
God!
Joanna!
-You look so foxy.
Jordan is gonna cream his little jeans.
Jackie!
Well, how do you feel?
Um, well, I can't really lift my arms,
but I feel like I look hot.
You do. You look so hot. You look like Shania Twain.
I'm not kidding. Do you like my jacket?
Isn't it so slutty?
-Don't I look like such a ho? -Oh, my gosh.
You look amazing.
I feel like you're gonna be fighting the men off.
No men, please. No thank you.
I need a break from men. Not to brag,
but I've always had this sort of radiance
where men just want to fuck me or marry me.
But now I really want to think about what I want.
Do you know what I mean?
Actually, I don't really date much.
I've only ever, like, "been with,"
um, two guys,
and they were family friends.
And they both weighed less than me.
Oh, really?
You're such a catch.
Oh, well, I guess I just,
I never really pictured myself
as, like, someone's girlfriend.
Like, as the person that somebody, like,
likes the most, you know?
Why not? Why not you?
I don't...
Aw. You have the most beautiful soul.
You're so sweet and kind.
And on top of that, you have the most luminescent,
gorgeous skin.
Aw.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to make you sad.
That's just the truth, Baby Ruth.
That's what I do.
All right, well, I need one last subtle touch
for my gorgeous outfit.
-Okay.
Oh, I forgot to ask you,
who else is coming tonight?
So far, it's just you and me, but I really wish
I could get more people to come out and see Jordan.
Maybe you could post it on your Insta?
Oh, I don't have very many followers.
Um, excuse me, missy.
Yes, you do, because you, my dear,
are an SVN superstar now.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
Oh, my God.
I have 8,000 followers.
I told you!
Mia Farrow follows me.
I know, isn't it amazing? She follows all of us.
That's huge.
-Posting. -Come on, bitch, let's go.
Yeah, come on, you little cunt.
Ooh, sorry.
Well, I'm excited about it. And Branson says
all we got to do is take a five-minute online course.
-Mm. -Oh, and the seats
are supposed to be, like, all luxurious and leather.
And then, when you get there,
you look out of that little window,
and you see Earth and it's so little.
And everybody says it's life-changing, Patty.
Tyra, I'm gonna be honest with you.
I don't go in for all that space race
pissing contest shit.
Nah, you go. You go and have fun.
I don't want to go with Mark!
-Cuban? -Yes, Mr. Cuban.
And you know homeboy's still got a crush on you.
You know, we're old,
-old platonic friends, you know? -Mm-hmm.
He's an idiot. What can I tell you?
I got to pee. Ty-Ty got to tinkle.
And you know what, if we are in outer space,
we just sit in our seat,
and we just wear the Virgin-branded diapers
and we piss right in the seat.
-You think about it. -No.
Take this whenever you're ready.
Let me ask you something.
Does this taste corked to you?
Mmm.
Tastes good.
Really good.
What else tastes good to you?
Has Patricia, like, said anything
about the long-term plan for my dressing room?
Mm, not to me.
Like, I've worked so hard to have
-a dressing room with a sink. -I know.
And now all of a sudden, I just have to,
like, go to the ladies' room
when I need to wash my hands? Like,
what am I, back in Iran with my original nose?
You need to know though, it legitimately is
about Joanna having cancer, okay?
Patricia loves you. You're gorgeous, you're a star.
That's all your real hair.
I've never seen that on a woman's head.
And I don't know what fragrance this is, but, babe,
you smell like a fancy hotel.
I love you. I love you so much.
Remember how my friend Isaac had
that plus-one to Graydon Carter's
barn-warming in Martha's Vineyard?
It's happening.
I'm getting to go. Patricia gave me off.
-What?
I guess we're entering a new space.
Feels good.
Oh, great. I love that.
Imagine me, someone from Biden's Taint, Pennsylvania,
who used to eat SpaghettiOs for Thanksgiving dinner.
Now I get to go to a fancy event
in a barn in Martha's Vineyard.
I don't know. I feel like it could be, like, a cool
opportunity to, like, meet somebody
and then sniff out, like, a New York fashion job moment.
Sorry. Austin's driving me, like, nuts. He, like,
asked me to bring home dinner 'cause he's keto now.
Just, like, okay, if you eat one carbohydration,
you're not gonna, like, die.
Yeah.
Um, could you get me two plain chicken breasts with a side of
-steamed broccoli to go, please? -Oh, I'm sorry, but the chef
doesn't actually allow for substitutions--
Buh, buh, buh, buh.
I'm a regular, and I do it
literally all the time, and it's actually easier
for the chef if I do it this way, so...
festive mariachi music
-Ooh. -It's Jackie Stilton!
-Jackie! -And the cancer one!
-Oh, my gosh, Jackie! -Aw.
They're here for us.
That's so sweet.
I love them all so much.
And, look, they all brought sweaters
just in case.
-Hi. -Hi.
Purse hook.
-What are we drinking?
If you're gonna order a Yellow Tail
with ice, we're out of that.
Ooh. That's actually
-what I was gonna order. -That sounds good.
Why don't you give 'em two Malibu Barbies, Don?
-Perry, hi. -Perry.
Hi. I saw your post.
You know, music is a great love of mine.
I was a soprano in the youth choir for many years.
My boys didn't drop
till I was, like, 19.
Joanna, I love you.
You're even prettier in person.
Ah... thank you.
-Cheers. -Cheers.
funky music
Okay, so in terms of my barn-warming look,
should I get this bag?
Now does it cost $15,000
I do not have? Yeah, it do.
But I also feel like if I get it,
everything in my life will,
like, fall into place. Does that makes sense?
Oh, my God, yes.
Wait, did you know
that Jordan had, like, a show tonight?
Oh, yeah, I heard.
Would it be, like, hilarious if we went?
Yes. Let's go.
All right, wait, now before we do this, are y'all over 18?
'Cause fool me once!
All right, everybody say, "Gruyère."
Gruyère!
There you go. Aw, good.
All right, that's it, girls. Bye.
Oh, my God, I love your jacket.
Mm. It's actually reversible.
-Isn't that cool?
So, how's Marty?
He's fine.
You're so lucky. I'm going through a divorce.
You are?
You are the only part of my day where I don't feel alone.
Really?
That's so sweet.
Can I actually
-tell you something? -Mm-hmm.
I'm going through a divorce, too.
Oh, hon.
I haven't told that many people.
You know what?
-Hmm? -Fuck him.
You're better off.
Right?
-Maybe you're better off, too. -I think I am.
-Hey, what are you drinking? -Whiskey and Coke.
Hey, you know what?
Jack and Coke
for all my Jackalopes.
What are Jackalopes?
Jackie! Jackie!
Patricia thanks you for your time.
Please, enjoy this basket.
Okay, what is the vibe?
Oh, my God, it's all SVN fans.
I'm gonna get mobbed.
Oh, my gosh, perfect.
Very cute.
I just have to tell you, I'm an oncology nurse.
-Oh. -And me and my patients
all just love you so much.
Sometimes, we time their chemo infusions
around your broadcast, so they can watch you.
Oh, my gosh. Really?
Thanks for the pic.
It's so nice to meet you.
Thank you for what you do.
Thank you.
-Okay, bye. -Bye.
"I'll Never Ever" by Diana Duval
You are the air I breathe...
That thirsty-ass fool.
And in my heart of doubts
You're the light of day
And your voice is like a whisper
So soothing to my soul...
Oh.
And you're the one true...
So what I'm saying is, I'd like to use one of my drink tickets
for fries, since they're the same price,
and then I'd like to use my other drink ticket
for my boyfriend who's in the band.
Well, technically he's still just, like, a boy
who's a friend, but I think he's gonna be
my boyfriend soon, so I'm just, like, really excited
about that, because we really vibe,
if you know what I mean.
-Hey, Joanna. -Oh, hey.
Shouldn't you be at home resting...
-Oh. -...instead of, like, here,
eating fries?
I have to go find Jordan.
Oh, are you guys, like, a thing?
Are you guys a thing?!
Okay. Do less.
Excuse me, are you part of the band?
'Cause it looks like someone brought
those maracas out tonight.
-Hi, girl! -Hey, boo.
Ooh, pinball!
He's so funny.
He's so problematic.
He's just, like, fun and gay.
Take a page.
Excuse me.
What kind of soups do you have?
Hey, rock star.
Getting in the zone?
I mean, um...
I'm not sure if you noticed, but I rallied
a bunch of people to come to your show.
some friends, some fans.
It wasn't a big deal.
I didn't ask for this.
This, uh,
this is just a hobby, you know?
Why is my third grade teacher here?
I-I thought you'd want
people to come see you play.
I don't. I... Th-This is just a thing
that I do to relax and-and-and to chill out.
And now I'm having a fucking panic attack.
You know, not everyone needs
this much attention.
Uh...
uh... I'm sorry.
It's okay. I'm just gonna get it over with.
That's what I'm gonna do.
I'm-I'm so sorry. Uh, I think I have to go.
What? What? What are you talking about?
Um, I kind of fucked up.
Um, J-Jordan's mad at me.
What? Why is he mad at you?
Um, he-he didn't want me to bring
all of these people.
Oh, my God.
That is so stupid.
Men are so dumb.
These people are fantastic.
Um, I don't know.
This stuff is hard.
Maybe I just wasn't meant to have a husband.
No! Oh.
Let me tell you something.
Everything good is hard.
And you have to fight for what you want.
Yay!
Hi. Hello. Hi.
Uh, we're Grass is Greener.
And, um, we, uh...
Thank you, thank you all for coming.
It's, uh, very kind. And, uh, we're gonna...
Um, okay, sorry, I'm a little bit nervous.
Don't worry, honey. Just do your best.
Oh, uh, thank you, uh, ma'am.
Ready?
She wore Doc Martens and a baby doll dress
Then we drove to the beach and her car was a mess
I said I don't care where I'm sitting, girl
As long as it's next to you
She said she liked the feeling of sand on her feet
I liked the feeling she was giving to me
Kicking sand, holding hands, have no plans
That's what we used to do
Yeah, I think the drummer's, like, looking at me.
Thanks!
-Was she here the whole time? -Hey, hey.
¿Cómo se dice "ménage à tres"?
Oh, you shut up. I love-- but I do.
I love you two so much. Now get home safe.
-Oh! -Oh, my God!
Okay, don't get fresh, honey!
I told you he's gay as hell.
Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! I forgot to bring Austin
-his dinner and he's like-- -What?
His intermittent fasting window's gonna close
in ten, and he's gonna, like, freak out
-on the dog or something. -Beth Ann...
-Can you get an Uber home? -Come on.
I got to make this a direct flight.
-Stop. -I love you, lover. I love you.
Love you, too.
Thank you so much for tonight, Joanna.
I needed it so badly.
Oh, my gosh.
I would do this every week with you.
-Oh, there goes Jordan. -Hey, good show tonight.
Thanks.
Go talk to him.
-No. Okay. -Yes. Get over there.
Okay.
-Good night. -Good night, Jackie.
Ooh, before I forget.
I know you are off à la clock, Darcy.
-Yes. -But can you please
put me on Patricia's schedule
first thing tomorrow morning?
Oh, tomorrow's not gonna work.
She's, like, slammed all day.
It's not a request.
Hey, is this where the groupies line up?
Peace, love, man, or...
-Hey. -Hey.
Um, I'm sorry for being
such a huge piece of crap.
Oh, no, I'm the huge piece of crap.
No. I'm the biggest,
dumbest turd in the universe.
I stink and I smell.
I shouldn't have invited all those people
to your show tonight that you didn't want here. I mean,
that's what a hot crap does.
Look, I'm the one who's been stinking it up, all right?
You did something so nice for me,
and I just, like, I-I took a big, fat crap all over it.
I mean... you're this breath of fresh air,
and I just, I let out a bunch of...
butt smell and just, I-I ruined it.
You shut the fuck up.
Okay? Nothing is ruined.
Because you played sweet jams all night
for this full diaper of a woman.
gentle music
Oh, um...
-Oh, yeah. -Yeah, it's just...
-Oh, yeah. Sure... -Okay.
Oh, it's work.
Yeah.
Who is this? I'm about to be kissed.
It's Patricia.
Oh, hello, ma'am.
Listen. I have a fabulous idea.
I can see that our audiences are really connecting with you.
Oh.
I want to do a high-profile
charity broadcast,
kind of a, you know, a "Cancerthon,"
where you'll be front and center.
Profits to charity, all of that.
Um...
It'll focus on you and your cancer.
Perfect. See you tomorrow.
This bitch.
Is everything okay?
Everything's great.
Shit.
folk rock music
She wore Doc Martens and a baby doll dress
Then we drove to the beach and her car was a mess
I said I don't care where I'm sitting, girl
As long as its next to you
She said she liked the feeling of sand on her feet
I liked the feeling she was giving me
Kicking sand, holding hands, had no plans
That's what we used to do
No traipsing.