-[clock ticking] -[birds chirping]
[alarm clock rings]
Free your mind
[grunts]
I wear tight clothing...
Take that! Take that!
It doesn't mean...
HSN!
Suck... my... dick!
You don't win.
I win.
Free your mind
What did Bill and Melinda Gates do wrong
besides no prenup?
They used their profits
to create a charity.
We're gonna use a charity to create profits.
Joanna's inspiring battle with cancer
has really connected with our audiences.
Has it?
[Patricia] The "JoannaStrong" hashtag
has brought user engagement
to the SVN website up 28%.
"Joanna Strong."
-Sounds so good. -[Joanna chuckles]
#JoannaStrong.
You are strong,
-so it makes sense. -Yeah.
#JoannaStrong.
So beautiful. It's so good.
-"Joanna Strong." -Yeah.
[Patricia] Next month, a special charity weekend
with...
Yes?
Uh, I love this idea.
I think it's grand.
Um, I was just wondering, though, if it might be,
uh, better to make it for another charity,
such as, um, you know, hurricane awareness
or the AIDS Quilt
or people who have,
you know, needs that are not being met.
Do I have "suggestion box" on my forehead?
Mm. Great. Everybody excited?
-Good. Me, too. Thank you. -Yes.
Beena, yes, honey. What is it?
Uh, did somebody eat my dog's medication?
It was in a little yogurt container in the fridge,
and it looks and smells exactly like yogurt.
gentle, ambient music
[Darcy] Did you watch Yellowstone last night?
-It sucked. -I don't give a fuck
about Kevin Costner. I almost fucked him once.
-Did you? -Yeah, I did.
Joanna? Party at somebody's house,
and then some white girl grabbed him.
I was like, "Well, have him, bitch."
-[Darcy] Uh... -Yes, Mom. Uh, ma'am.
-Madam. Um, sorry. Mom. -[Patricia] Joanna,
we'll be meeting with different cancer charities this week
to select one to partner with.
I'm gonna need you
at every single one of those meetings,
-okay? -These are the top contenders
we're gonna choose from.
Oh. Um... You know,
I don't really think I need to be at the meetings.
They sound very, um, uh...
important and business.
Joanna, now is not the time
to fade into the background.
I need you front and center.
This is your story, baby. Yes?
Yeah.
And what the fuck is that on your shirt?
Oh, it's-it's pugs.
Get rid.
Love you.
Uh, what?
I think this has gone too far.
[Marcy] So you're getting a few perks. Big whoop.
Mom. I don't want perks.
Well, aren't you enjoying your job?
And, honey, what they're doing with your hair,
-it's never looked better. -Oh, yummy.
It is so straight.
And you're having fun, right?
Yes.
You're doing what you've always wanted to do.
I know. But, Mom,
real charities are gonna be involved
and, like, real sick people.
I mean, isn't that, like, bad karma?
I'm sorry. You're raising real money
for people with cancer. I don't understand.
How is that bad karma?
That's good karma, right?
-[thud] -[bird squawks]
Oh, my God. A crow
just crashed into the patio doors.
That is the second time this week.
I better let you go, honey. [kisses]
-[phone beeps] -[scoffs]
[sighs]
soft, percussive music
Mmm.
[groans]
[indistinct chatter]
Oh, my God.
Is Joanna, like,
Jesus Christ of Latters Day Saints or something?
Like, what?
She gets her own little special now?
What?
I'm kind of busy right now.
-Are you mad at me? -I don't know, Beth Ann.
I guess I'm not completely thrilled
with the fact that you fucking ditched my ass
in Donde Esta last night.
I'm really, really so sorry.
-I wasn't thinking. -[sighs]
It's just, like, tense right now
because Austin and I, like,
aren't having sex right now and haven't.
At all? For how long?
Like, ten months.
Since Disney.
And we just had to 'cause it's Disney.
It's Disney. You have to. You stayed at the Swan.
I'm not mad at you. It's fine.
-Do you hate me? -No.
-Do you hate me, stupid? -[chuckles] Don't pull on that.
-That's not a real pocket. -You know
-I don't really do functional. -[groans]
How fucking dumb is this cancer thing?
-She's so thirsty. -[exhales]
Yeah, it's a lot.
Oh, my God. And, like, does she even have cancer?
Okay. No. You're doing that thing.
-What thing? -Where you spiral
and start to believe conspiracy theories. Don't go there.
-Seriously? That was one link. -Mm-hmm.
To... The link to the thing
-about Q? -It's all a little convenient
that she just says she has cancer,
and then, all of a sudden, everything's just, like,
going amazingly for her everywhere she goes.
Except for the fact that she has cancer.
Yeah, but do she, though?
She's not smart enough
to fake anything like that.
What?!
-Why is my head so small? -[sighs]
The person with the most cancer gets the biggest head, babe.
But once you see what we've got coming up...
-[knock on door] -Come in!
...you're gonna be sorry.
-I got to jet, baby. -[hangs up phone]
-Come on in. -Okay.
How are you doing?
-I'm fine. How are you? -I'm okay.
[breathes deeply]
I'm just gonna state the obvious.
There is a little bit of tension between us.
-[Patricia] Mm-hmm. -[Jackie] Mm-hmm.
But, I mean, you know,
how can two people who've known each other for three decades
not have their moments, right?
But anyway, in terms of my show,
I just wanted to make sure that we're both...
you know, that we both have the same goals.
What's our goal now?
[sighs]
I want control over Beautiful You, Pat.
Okay, Janet Jackson.
Define "control."
I want to pick my own products.
I want to decide my look and what I say on air.
And I want it to be fully and completely mine.
-All mine, Pat. -Okay, right now,
I am underwater with meetings,
so we can have this conversation when the time is right, okay?
-Good. -Okay.
Fine. [exhales] All right.
And I want it in my contract.
No.
-No? What do you mean, "no"? -No.
Oh, so there's no conversation? It's just a flat-out no?
It's just "no."
Jackie. Come. Come sit down.
Sit down.
All right, fine. What?
What?
You think I pick your products out of thin air, Jackie?
You've never understood the amount of stone
I'm grinding behind the scenes
to keep all your loyal fans coming back.
They're buying things from me, Pat.
They're not buying things from you.
There's no you without me.
I built you, Jackie.
And you may not realize it, and I know
you'll never thank me for it,
but I'm protecting you.
From who?
quiet, gentle music
From you.
Well, thank you for the meeting.
My door's always open, Jackie.
Yeah, whatever.
upbeat, percussive music
[Terry] These proceed percentages
are far below what we're used to.
You won't find this level of visibility at Nordstrom.
Now, we already have a face
and a story that our audiences are really connecting to.
Right, Joanna?
Yes. That is very true.
Um, the connection is deep,
and it's trust. Very much so.
[Annie] Your childhood leukemia came back
after two decades?
Huh, that's so rare.
I mean, the longest I've ever--
And off of that, I just had to ask,
um, where did you get
this gorgeous big shell, Patricia?
Put it down. Put it down.
The kids we work with just love you.
They think you look like the mom from The Incredibles.
Thank you.
That's so nice.
We'll keep you in mind.
gentle, contemplative music
[Darcy] You want me to toss that?
That's okay. I'll throw it away later.
Okay.
-[Jordan] Joanna. -[screams] Fuck!
Oh! Shit. Jesus. Sorry. [chuckles]
Um, are-are... are you leaving?
Um, yeah.
-Oh. -I'm gonna leave. Uh...
I was just, um...
I forgot about this thing I have to go to
for about a month.
I have to leave town.
And, um, I guess that means
I-I'll have to miss the charity weekend,
and that is the bummer
-of all bumm... ers. Yeah. -Oh, my God.
Like, you're going away for a month. That's crazy.
It's wild, wild stuff.
-What-what for? -Um,
I just have this thing, and it's so completely far away,
so...
You know, that's a shame, 'cause, you see,
I was gonna come and find you and tell you
that the charity that you're gonna meet with
is one of my favorites.
-Oh. -They're great.
Wh-Which charity?
Uh, it's the American Cure Foundation.
They really helped my-my Auntie Terry
when she had cancer, and so I...
I do their bike-a-thons every year. [chuckles]
Oh, my gosh. That's so nice.
I also, uh, I wanted to tell you that that thing,
um, that Patricia said about you in-in the meeting earlier today?
-Oh. -It's really true, you know?
Um...
You're just... You're changing things around here,
which is good, you know?
'Cause this place could use a little bit of...
of you.
What? That's so freaking untrue.
Know what? I was going to, um...
Ah, shit. It's moot, 'cause... [sighs] Doesn't matter.
-Forget it. -No, what?
No, I was gonna... It doesn't matter,
'cause you're gonna be gone for a month
-at a very far, far place. -But may-maybe not
-while it... What if not? -Um...
I was, uh...
I was gonna ask
if maybe you, um, and I
would...
[exhales] If you'd go on a date with me.
[chuckling softly]
Okay, let me think about this one.
-You're a hunk. You're nice. -[chuckles]
You're smart. You're cool.
Yeah, I guess I'll see you at the date.
[chuckles] Okay, cool.
Um, well, Jordan, can I tell you something?
-Yes. -Um,
remember when I told you
that I was gonna be going out of-of town for a month?
-Yeah. -Uh,
I'm not gonna really be out of town for a month.
I was just being a goof.
[chuckles]
soft, lighthearted music
American Cure Foundation is focused
on underserved communities.
Well, you'd be very lucky to partner with us.
Our viewers are in love with Joanna Gold,
and we have the data to back it up.
Uh, well, you know, we have a few, uh, big names
affiliated with our charity, as well.
Let's see, a few...
Couple Minor League Baseball players
and, of course, uh, Ryan Phillippe.
-Um... -Uh...
-[Darcy chuckles softly]
Ryan Phillippe from Cruel Intentions?
Um, yes. Want.
Oh, my God. When I was a kid, I had a poster of him
on my bedroom ceiling that I would...
look at.
Um, anyways, thinking through the logistics of it,
what are the chances that Ryan would participate?
Is it, like, a sure thing?
Or is it just, like, very likely?
Okay, okay, okay, okay. Brass tacks.
We're offering five percent of the proceeds.
[Carl] Oh, well,
20% is the number that our board agreed upon.
Thank you for your time.
We are meeting with several organizations
-making solid offers. -[Carl] Oh,
well, um, we brought one of our mobile mammovans here today.
I'd love to show you some of the amazing work you'd be helping
-to fund. -[sighs] We should go.
They're, like, obsessed with the van.
[Patricia] Mm.
- I can't take this anymore -[vocalizing]
[cashier] Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?
Ooh, yes.
[smacks lips] I think I will have
the mini M&M McFlurry, please.
But just the mini M&M's in a cup. No ice cream.
So you just want the M&M's?
The minis, yes.
-No ice cream. -I'm sorry.
I don't think we can do that, ma'am,
'cause they go into the McFlurry machine together.
Right, but before that, they were separate, right?
I'm not sure.
Okay, so, can you just go into the big industrial bag
of mini M&M's and get me a cup?
[smacks lips] Can you do that?
I just don't have a way to ring that up.
It's okay.
I will pay the full McFlurry price. How about that?
The problem is that now that I know
you don't actually want a McFlurry,
if I give you that, it would mess up our inventory.
Oh, my God. Are you fucking kidding me?
I just want my mini M&M's, okay? Is that so hard?
I decide what I want. You don't decide.
I'm not a fucking baby, okay? Just give me
-my fucking mini M&M's! -[horn honks]
Fuck you!
Listen.
Listen to me. Listen to me. Listen to me.
I just want a cup of fucking mini M&M's.
Is that so fucking hard?!
Goddamn it.
Why is everything so fucking hard?
-Fuck. -[horns honking]
[grunting]
[Carl] Each of these mammovans
gives over 5,000 mammograms a year.
Anyone's welcome. Our tech is here, so--
Let's talk numbers.
We'll give you 20% the first hour.
But if we hit a million in that hour,
everything reverts back to two percent.
Well, what if you don't hit that million in the first hour?
[Patricia] We'll hold you at 20%
the whole weekend.
-Deal. -Darcy, connect them with legal.
-Dershowitz? -[Patricia] No, not my personal.
The business attorney.
-Holy shit. -[Darcy chuckles softly]
We're gonna meet Ryan Phillippe.
Oh, my God. You little weirdo. You made this happen.
-I didn't do anything. -Okay.
-Anyone else sign up yet? -[Carl] Patricia,
this is J.P., one of our awesome techs.
Well, hello, J.P.
Come on. Let's go check out my tits.
-[J.P. panting] -God!
[both moaning]
quiet classical music
[moaning continues]
Oh, my God.
All right, we'll do a cocktail party at the house
to announce the partnership.
Board members, I want a big sign.
"SVN gives back" or whatever the fuck.
-How about next Friday? -No. Thursday.
Fridays are desperate.
I want people to get a... get a babysitter.
-[Darcy] Mm. -And, Joanna.
Please, don't dress like that.
Oh. Like what?
Like a little twee hayseed.
[Darcy] Basically, we don't want you
to wear anything with, like,
French writing on it
or, like, an avocado with a face
or a hedgehog with, like, a top hat
or, like, that.
Oh. Um, I think I have just the thing.
I have this super sophisticated dress.
It has little cute cherries all over it.
I'll go shopping.
Um, also, I was just wondering,
what will the seating be like?
Will it be assigned, or will it be more of, like,
you know, a big head table with me and our celebrity guest
kind of sitting at the center, greeting people?
-We are fucking done here. -[Darcy] Mm-hmm.
Okay.
See you at the wedding.
I mean the party. Bye.
-Catering. Rapini's? -Yes.
-Extra arancini? -Yes.
And call Ad Weekly.
Make sure they send photographers.
[Darcy] Absolutely. Blow the whole thing out.
-One question. -Mm.
Dress code for the men.
Are we thinking super upscale, black tie?
Like, what should I wear?
Oh, honey. You're not coming.
Really?
'Cause, like, I've been running point
on this whole thing, so I just figured--
So you've been doing your job. Mm-hmm.
I would really like if every little thing
didn't have to be a little drama this week. Yes?
We're not gonna do feelings today.
I've dealt with enough feelings.
Okay. Totally.
Now fix your face.
soft, gentle music
The bamboo peach in this tunic is really something,
-and it's so soft. -Oh. Mm-hmm.
I love the sexy crisscross.
Now tell me about this detail here,
-'cause it's so cute. -Oh. Well, Jackie,
that's what we at Impeccable She Casuals
are calling our signature peekaboo shoulder.
It shows just the perfect part of a woman's arm,
the bony shoulder. [chuckles]
You know how we ladies love to hide our arms.
-[chuckles] -Hmm. Do we?
-Well, I think we do. -I don't.
I don't really feel the need to hide my arms.
-[chuckles] -Or anything, really.
I mean, you only live once, right?
So why not let it all hang out and just be who you are?
I mean, what's the point in pretending?
-There's no reason to do that. -Well, there-there...
-I... Doesn't make sense to me. -There's a certain mystique
to-to covering certain parts of a woman's body.
-And, you know, you don't-- -Hmm. But it's just
that if you're gonna buy the tunic,
it's your tunic. It belongs to you.
-[woman] Jackie, you okay? -So maybe you want
to customize it to have no sleeves at all
because you happen to love your arms,
you know what I mean? Like, they're your arms.
Nobody controls them but you.
It's your tunic.
You're wearing it. They're your rules.
You could do whatever the fuck you want.
-Just, like, customize it. -The thing is...
[gasps] No, don't. What are you doing?
Take off the sleeves. It's yours.
[chuckles]
What the hell is she doing?
-Turn that fucking mic on. -[Lori] Um,
-then where's the peekaboo? -Who cares about the peekaboo?
I don't.
You better stop fucking around on my network
before you want to have a contract to sign.
quiet, contemplative music
[sighs]
You know what, let's move on to the stirrup capri.
Can we bring those in?
-[indistinct chatter] -[jazz music playing]
[Patricia] Thank you all for your support.
I know
that negotiations were tough,
but this partnership is gonna be fabulous.
We're looking forward to it.
[chuckles] You almost never see a tie clip anymore.
-[woman] Yes. -[Patricia laughs]
[Patricia] You know I'm a nightmare,
-but it'll be worth it. -[all chuckling]
-Oh. -[Joanna chuckles]
Yes. Oh, excuse me.
Um, I'm sorry to interrupt.
I just... [chuckles] I wanted to say hello.
And I wanted to say, Patricia, what a beautiful event.
I can't believe you have a valet. It's like,
what is this, the Hard Rock Cafe? Ugh.
-[woman] What? -[laughs]
The Hard Rock Cafe? Ugh.
-[scoffs] Okay. Uh, Joanna? -[Joanna chuckles]
-Huh? -[Patricia] Excuse us, please.
-[Joanna] Okay. -Come here, baby.
Little chitchat.
Joanna, listen to me
-very carefully. -Listening up.
I need you to act right.
Show these dusty old fucks
they partnered with the right people.
Right.
You are going to show up for me.
-Yeah? We're clear? -Yeah.
-[chuckles] -[Joanna exhales]
[indistinct chatter]
My wife is a huge fan of yours.
-Oh! How nice. -Yeah. By the way,
um, do you ski?
Oh, no. I get cold very easily.
[chuckles] No, no, no. Do you ski?
[glass clinks]
And with this incredible partnership,
we're marketing to an audience in a whole new way
by telling them not what to buy
but who to buy for.
Yes? A toast.
-To health. -And healthy business.
[all laugh]
-[man] Hear! Hear! Cheers. -Thank you, baby.
Hey. Y'all know...
I got my start playing piano
in the lobby of Neiman's.
[chuckles]
-[playing piano] -I'm still kind of good at it.
Here we go.
So, everybody, have a good time
Yeah
'Cause we sign
- On the dotted line - Dotted line
-Hey! Yeah? -[stops playing piano]
Oh.
Okay, I got to take this.
-[applause] -Keep singing. Keep singing.
Sing a song for them, Bob.
-[vocalizes quietly] -[Carl] So?
-Oh. -How do you like
living in Pennsylvania?
There's a bit of culture shock.
-Mm-hmm. -You know, coming from Ohio,
so... But there's so many charming cities.
-I mean, Philly. -[Carl chuckles]
-You know? Uh... -Yeah.
-Pittsburgh. -Yes.
Um...
-Oh, and Hershey. Hershey. -Yeah.
I am literally a chocoholic.
-[Joanna] Oh. -Like, for real.
-Like, diagnosed. -[Joanna] Yeah. Oh, okay.
Can you just hold that thought?
-I'm just gonna... Okay. -Yes. Yes.
[exhales]
Is everything okay?
The evening is over.
Tell everyone to go home. Now.
Okay, but the little desserts haven't even gone out yet.
-I-- -Just do it, Joanna.
[piano continues playing]
-[light clinking] -Excuse me.
Pardon me. I have an announ...
I have a li... I have an announcement to make.
Um...
We just want to thank you for such a wonderful evening
and to say that now is the time to leave.
So, um, feel-feel free to take your little...
your little bites with you.
Um, you know, the gazpacho probably won't travel very well,
but, um, the little balls of rice,
you can just wrap them in a couple napkins,
and that goes fine in the purse.
Um, the doors,
uh, they're right there. [chuckles]
-So fun to have you. -Bye.
Sometimes parties end early. It's...
You know, "Leave 'em wanting more."
Okay, bye.
And if anyone's still left here,
you know,
get the fuck out or...
[dance music playing]
[lighter clicks]
Fuck.
[groans]
[sighs]
Fuck, no.
-Hi. Rapini's? -[woman] Yes.
-Yes, hi. Um... -How can I help you?
I would like to make an order
over to Patricia's office at SVN.
Yes. Um, we're gonna do filet mi...
two filet mignons, ten arancini,
uh, and a cannoli.
Yes, I have the credit card right here.
-It's, um... -And what is the name
-on the card? -Patricia Cochran.
Patricia?
I'm gonna leave, so thank you for...
[glass breaks]
Patricia?
intriguing, ambient music
-Patricia? -[TV playing indistinctly]
The fuck are you still doing here?
Oh.
Um, I just wanted to, uh, make...
Is everything okay?
No, everything is not okay.
I have fucking cancer.
What?
They found something in my mammogram.
Okay, well, um...
Well, um, that's not necessarily--
I had a biopsy.
Well, you just have to wait for the results to co--
I did that.
I did all that.
It's cancer.
Fuck it. Give me my Rolos, will you?
-Okay. What? -[lighter clicks]
My Rolos.
Oh. Okay.
Um...
I know this is scary.
It-It's scary for everyone.
But...
you're not alone, okay?
Can I hug you?
What do you think?
[whispers] Okay.
Um...
Should I go? I...
[Patricia sighs]
Say Yes to the Dress is on.
Oh.
Uh-huh.
[Joanna exhales]
You tell anybody I have cancer,
and I will fucking kill you.
Okay.
[voice breaking] You understand me?
[Joanna] Mm-hmm.
"Nobody Knows" by Pastor T.L. Barrett
[Patricia sighs]
- Nobody knows - Mmm
All the trouble I've seen
- Nobody knows - Mmm
All the sorrow
Glory, glory
Mmm
Glory, hallelujah
- Glory - Mmm
- Glory - Let me hear you
Glory, hallelujah
Nobody knows
Nobody knows...
Mmm, no, no, no
All the trouble I've seen
- Nobody knows - Nobody knows
Mmm, no, no
All the sor...
[man] No traipsing.