[birds chirping]
[monitor beeping steadily]
[beeping continues]
You did this.
[phone ringing]
-Hello? -[Darcy over phone] Hey, Mama.
Are you at Patricia's right now?
No.
Yes, you are. She just texted me to tell you to leave.
Well, why did you ask me where I was if you already knew?
'Cause I'm toxic. You have to leave right now.
-Did you, like, sleep over? -Yeah.
What? Why?
What are you guys, like, tight now or something?
No.
Um, I just, I slept here because I passed out
from all the hot cocktails.
You know, we're talking lemon dots, metropolitans.
Everything you can think of, of the, of the finest top shelf.
Look, did something weird happen last night?
'Cause she's in a mood.
-No. -[door opens]
Patricia thanks you for your time.
-What? -It's a fuck basket.
upbeat music
[laptop whooshing]
Oh, come on.
[phone ringing]
What?
Fuck me.
Excuse me.
-[Jordan] Hey. -Oh.
-Same clothes. -Oh, what?
Uh, walk of shame?
Oh, my God. Oh, yeah.
You know me, just skanking it up all over town in the...
Oh. Um, fun.
Oh. Oh, my God, I'm just kidding.
Don't worry, I only want to have sex with you.
BOTH: What?
Uh, actually, I have to get going.
I'll bid you adieu, my lord, and... Okay. Bless.
[quietly] Why? Why?
[chuckles]
-Fuck. -[Jackie] Oh, Peach, wait up.
Will you walk with me to the product meeting, please?
-Oh, sure. -Can I ask you a quick question?
Do you think I took things too far with Patricia yesterday?
Be honest. Or am I overthinking it?
Oh, yeah, um...
[gasps] Wait a minute. Pump the brakes.
You, little missy, are wearing the same clothes as yesterday.
-Oh. -Looks like someone
-had a little fun last night. -No. Yeah.
-Did you? -No. No, no, no.
-Come on. -No, no, no, no, no.
I-I really, I didn't. I, um, I didn't have sex with anyone.
Um, I actually ended up staying the night at Patricia's.
Wait, what?
Oh, yeah, just because I was totally just so wasted.
So you guys had, like, a sleepover?
We just mostly watched TV and ate Rolos.
Did it seem like she was eating them about me?
Uh, I don't think so.
[sighs] Whatever.
Why do I even care what she thinks?
I mean, who cares?
It's so obvious she's just using you as a pawn
because she knows we're like sisters.
Ugh, I need to text Pam.
-Oh, who's Pam? -She's my astrologer.
Well, she was originally my lawyer,
but then she got disbarred.
It wasn't her fault, though, it was a misogynist judge.
Anyway, she's a full-time astrologer now
and she is so good.
[gasps] We should do a session together.
-Oh, that sounds fun. -Yeah.
Oh, she will really help us, I'm telling you.
We're both going through so much.
-Especially you. -Oh, yeah. Totally.
We should sit down.
[door opens]
[man clears throat]
[door closes]
Last night was a big success.
We signed with American Cure Foundation
for our charity weekend,
so I need everyone to really focus up, yes?
I guess I'm officially a Rolohead now. [laughs]
Hey, gurl, hey.
I'm not your gurl, girl.
I just-- Sorry, I just wanted to see
how you were doing, um, after last night.
What about last night?
Oh, just, um, with your whole... [stammers]
diagnosis.
[sighs]
I'm not doing this with you.
I know it's a lot to process, and...
you know, I've been through it.
Joanna, we are not the same.
Well, I know, but I--
The doctor who did my biopsy
was in a fucking rush.
No doctor my whole life
has ever looked me in my goddamn eyes.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, you can keep your sorry.
Because I'll be damned
if I'm made to feel like a burden
to some Ivy League,
Dockers-wearing motherfuckers.
And I will not give them the satisfaction
of telling me I have cancer.
Because you know who'd love that?
Dr. Oz?
I turned that son of a bitch down 20 years ago
and he never got over it.
[scoffs]
Now, what I love about Daddy's Lil' Cookies
is not just that they're loaded with hand-cut chocolate chips,
but they're in this little snackable size.
It eats almost like a nut.
[chuckles] Heaven.
Now, Daddy, let's get a little info on you.
Is there a mommy in the picture?
'Cause she hit the jackpot with you, didn't she, prince?
She actually passed away.
Oh, no. [clears throat]
I am so sorry.
Sending you my sincerest.
But I guess now we know we got America's
hottest bachelor on the show, don't we, Daddy?
-[both chuckle] -Hey.
So, m-my name's actually Josh.
The company is named after my dad.
-We were really close. -Oh, yeah? How close were you?
Like, me, you, my hot tub after the show close or what?
-[chuckles] -[laughs] I'm kidding, Daddy.
It's just guys being guys, having fun, eating cookies.
atmospheric music
Morning. For you.
So...
heard last night was a major success.
Okay, so, there we have the jewelry report,
housewares, automotive, and I printed out
some messages from the key brands,
who, by the way, love the charity angle.
They think it's gonna push us ahead of HSN.
Oh, and, um, this same weekend I'm away in Martha's Vineyard,
I realized, is the charity event, but I don't want you
to worry, I'm gonna be remote, I can bring both my phones.
-What? -Oh, the...
the Martha's Vineyard trip I'm taking?
Graydon Carter's barn warming? I told you about this.
-I showed-- -No, no, no, no.
I need you here.
Oh, I cleared this with you, like, weeks ago.
Damn it, Darcy.
I said I need you.
I'm sorry, I'm just a little confused,
because I'm not important enough to go to your charity dinner
but suddenly I'm too important to go to a barn warming
that you know really fucking matters to me?
Mm. So that's what this is all about?
South Philly Bumpkin's got his thong in a knot
'cause he didn't get his mini-quiche.
-Well, that's low. -You think Graydon Carter's
gonna give you a big,
New York fancy job, don't you?
He doesn't give a fuck about you, Darcy.
You forget we're from the same place?
Philly?
Want to know how I got fancy?
I worked my fucking ass off.
Now, how about you take these fucking cookies
out of my office, Daddy's little...
-[crying] -[door closes]
[panting]
Okay, so the first big thing, you can never
refer to these as "leather," it's "leatherette."
-Okay, got it. -I'm not done.
I didn't think you were.
These are very intimidating to people.
They're really tough to sell.
Traditionally, leatherette pants are seen
as the pants of your Mick Jaggers,
your Steven Tylers, your Dog the Bounty Hunters.
Uh, right, well, you know, maybe
Jackie should be selling these instead of me.
I mean, she always looks so great in leather pants.
Leatherette.
And, yeah, obviously, Jackie would be great at these,
but you're, like... normal, you know?
You're-you're basic. You're nothing special.
You're like a little piece of milk with eyes.
And that's the point, 'cause if people see
that you can pull these off and be a boss-ass bitch,
then they'll think, "Hey, I can, too."
quirky, atmospheric music
[pants squeaking]
-Patricia. -[groans]
I'll make this quick.
It-It's about the whole doctor thing.
-Oh, for fuck's sake. -Did you know that my doctor
said that if I had waited, you know, a-a moment longer
to get checked out, I would be dead.
Dead. And then, where would we be?
Not having this conversation.
Uh, look, um...
I get your skepticism towards doctors. I do.
And I know that I'll never be in your shoes.
But don't let some asshole keep you from getting better.
I mean, you're Patricia fucking Cochran.
You're a boss-ass bitch. Please.
[sighs]
I have a two o'clock open tomorrow.
Bring your doctor to my office.
Oh. My doctor?
Oh, see-- Oh, the-the issue with...
I-I mean, that is, he deals more with blood cancers--
I don't give a good goddamn.
Do you trust him?
Well, yeah.
Then that's who I'm talking to.
-[engine starts] -Two o'clock sharp.
[pants squeaking]
soft, upbeat music
[Beth Ann] You don't need to go
to Martha's Vineyard to be fancy.
We're gonna go to the bar at the top of the Marriott
and we are gonna have cosmos
and we're gonna have mac and cheese balls.
And we're gonna get wasted and, like,
who freakin' cares about Carson Daly?
It's Graydon Carter.
From Vanity Fair.
Beth Ann, it's a classy magazine
that hosts the most coveted Oscar party of the year,
that Salma Hayek goes to.
And this was my chance to be in the barn
with a bunch of people that could've gotten me
the fuck out of here!
[crying]
[wails]
[clock ticking]
Is he coming?
quirky, atmospheric music
-[Joanna] Oh. -Hello, Miss Gold.
[exhales]
Dr. Codish.
-Um, how am I feeling? -[both] What?
Uh, this is my boss Patricia.
Uh, Patricia, this is my doctor.
Hmm.
You're excused, Joanna.
-Oh, wouldn't it be good to-- -Maybe I could take notes--
Get the fuck out, Joanna.
Right.
[stammers]
[grunts softly]
[Joanna titters]
[door opens]
[door creaking]
Where'd you get that beautiful shell?
Mallorca.
I have eight minutes.
Uh, so, um,
I understand that you've been diagnosed with breast cancer.
I'm sorry to hear that.
And-and Joanna tells me that you're having
concerns about, uh,
seeking care and trusting doctors.
-Is that what she tells you? -Yes.
And I'm not your physician, and I, uh, can't speak
to your specific medical situation.
But maybe I could
speak to you about my personal experience.
You know, many years ago,
my daughter was diagnosed with cancer.
And, uh, I went through a few weeks
of just feeling like it was all a nightmare
and that if, maybe we didn't talk about it,
that it wasn't real.
But, you know,
it was already real.
A-And I know it's scary, but one thing that helped me
was realizing that even though some things would change,
a lot of things would stay the same.
-Like what? -Like...
the people who love you and care for you.
That'll always be the same.
Well, that must be nice.
How's your daughter?
Uh, she's doing great.
Do you have any family you could reach out to?
I have a son.
Have you told him about what's going on?
It's time for my next meeting.
[car beeps]
[Joanna] So, how did it go?
Is she gonna go to the doctor?
I don't know.
Um, w-well, can you go back?
Maybe she just needs a little bit more convincing.
I don't think I can do that.
A-Are you okay?
No. I'm not.
That felt very bad, Joanna.
Oh.
I can't go back to that time when you got sick.
It's just...
I thought...
Y-You thought what?
I thought you were gonna die.
Oh, um...
I-I never knew that.
Well, I probably shouldn't have told you that.
I don't know how much longer I can keep up this lie...
...for you.
I'm not like Mom.
-[crying] -I'm so sorry. I know.
slow, somber music
Where's my goddamn...
-Oh. -...VitaminWater?
[grunts]
I got too scared in there to ask for water.
I'm so thirsty.
Oh, your mom packed these for you.
Oh, my God, meatballs. You want to come over to my place
-and we'll warm these up? -Can't.
I got to go.
Okay.
-That's okay. I understand. -Yeah.
Oh, one-one last thing. Um...
I got the, um, sense that Patricia
doesn't feel like she has anyone.
Is-is there anyone she's close to who could talk to her?
I just feel like her energy is getting so toxic lately.
[Pam] Yes, I feel that.
And your chart is showing that you're very blocked
in your seventh house.
That's the house of transition,
-change. -Huh.
Something's keeping you from growing.
Patricia.
Is it Patricia, though? I don't--
What have you been holding back from yourself?
[grunts softly]
Well, guys, I've actually never said this out loud to anyone,
but I have always dreamed of living in Machu Picchu.
I don't think you can live in Machu Picchu.
No, I'm pretty sure you can.
They have houses at the top. Right, Pamela?
-Yeah. -Yeah. They do.
[Jackie] And how amazing would it be
to be so close to Big Sur?
Oh, you know, I'm almost certain
that Machu Picchu is in Peru.
It's in Morocco.
Don't you just belong here, at SVN?
You need to go where the love is.
[Jackie] Aww.
Who's standing in the way of your power?
Patricia, because she tries to control me.
Nobody can control you but you.
-Mm-hmm. -You have to show her that.
Does that resonate with you?
Oh, my God, are you kidding, Pam? Yes.
You know what?
As I think about this, I'm coming to this idea
that my soul has maybe outgrown Patricia's,
and I need to set myself free, you know?
Oh, interesting, 'cause, um, what I'm sort of gathering
is that it's best to be kinder to Patricia right now
and to be more of, um, like, a-a team player.
Yeah, I'm not reading anything that has to do
with being a team player for Jackie at this time.
-Mm. Mm-hmm. -Well,
I hate to break it to you, Pam, but you're not a doctor.
Okay? You're just, you're a star guesser.
And, you know, if you're so all-knowing,
uh, what number am I thinking of right now, Pam?
That's not really what I do, but nine.
No.
That's really far off.
What number am I thinking of now?
B.
Fuck you, it was a letter. Fuck.
Okay, now, we all love a chic leather jacket.
-[Beena] Don't say "leather." -But you know, a lot of you
are saying to me, "Joanna, how could I ever wear
a leatherette pant or a polyvinyl slack?"
Now, I want you to open up your mind to this piece.
Okay? Now, this could only come
from the incredible mind of Janté.
Joanna, you're too kind.
All of us at Janté wanted to create a chic,
buttery moment that was flattering to the body,
and frankly, the soul.
[Joanna] What I love so much about this piece
is that you can really dress it up or dress it down.
You could throw in a pair of tennies
with these slacks and-and wear them
to pick up the kids from school,
or, you know, throw in a strand of pearls
for, you know, your house of worship.
-[quiet chatter] -[Janté] Well, how about
a funky pump for a night on the town?
Okay, ladies and gentlemen, this is why we have Janté.
-Oh, stop, stop. -[chuckles]
Uh, Alicia, would you turn to the left, please?
-Oh. -Thanks, doll.
Now, I want you guys to pay attention to the fit.
-Mm. -Okay? The-the way it drapes
-and accentuates the curves. -[Joanna] Ugh, incredible.
Yeah, I love that so very much.
Um, and, you know, I want to speak directly
to the viewers at home who-who may think
that these joggers are too much of a risk,
you know, who are saying, "I can't do this."
Because I promise you,
you can do this.
And even if you think
that people aren't gonna love these joggers,
I'm telling you, they will love them.
contemplative music
People love you so much.
And you are not alone.
And they're machine-washable.
[Pam] I want to talk to you about Crystal Buddiez.
-[Jackie] Mm-hmm. -She's rose quartz.
She's for love problems.
-Aww. -He's malachite,
for money stuff, and this little moonstone guy,
this is for bringing travel into your life.
Especially travel over water.
Ooh, I love that, because I love cruises.
Oh, Pam, these are genius.
Okay, want, want, want, want.
I think I need them all. How much are they?
$48 apiece, but it's three for $130.
Ooh, that's good.
Okay, so can we just add them to my session?
Sure, but can we talk about your tab?
Oh, no. Did I forget to pay you?
Oh, I'm so sorry, Pam.
I've just been so scattered. Forgive me.
Here, I can pay you now.
What is the damage?
Um, Jackie, it's almost $25,000.
Oh, my God, are you serious?
Really? Is it really that much?
Well, you had all those solid gold Tibetan singing bowls
-you bought during retrograde. -Oh, right.
[gasps] I have an idea.
What if I paid you back
by selling the Crystal Buddiez on my show?
Do you think you could sell enough?
Pam, come on.
These are amazing.
This is exactly the kind of thing
I've wanted to bring my Jackalopes.
There is nothing like this on SVN.
Trust me, mark my words, they're gonna be a hit.
And thank you so much for the session today.
I really feel like we're making huge discoveries.
-Thank you as well. -I love you, Pamela.
-[door closes] -[Gilberg] Okay.
Mrs. Cochran...
Ms. Cochran.
"Ms. Cochran." Sorry about that. [sighs]
So, how are we feeling?
Like we just got diagnosed with cancer.
-What are my options? -In your case,
I strongly recommend we discuss a mastectomy.
How long do I have to be off work?
Standard recovery time is six to eight weeks.
Longer if you opt for the immediate breast reconstruction.
[softly] Okay.
Patricia, where are you,
-where are you going? -To get a fucking drink.
[door opens]
[Patricia] Yeah, he was a Marine from Roxborough.
We met right here in this bar.
We drank, we laughed.
Before I knew it, we're in the bathroom
where I fucked him so hard I broke his dick.
[laughs]
I didn't know that they can break.
We had to go to the ER.
Oh, my gosh.
This drink is so crazy.
I feel like I'm sort of lightheaded.
Are-are you feeling this?
How is it you have never had a martini?
-[stammers] -Jesus.
But most importantly,
why are you wasting your God-given pussy?
-Oh. -The hell are you scared of?
[stammers] Well, what are you so scared of?
Why did you walk out of the doctor?
I ain't scared of shit.
You're the one who should be scared.
'Cause if something happens to me...
...your little dream job goes away.
Everything goes away.
I don't see why everything has to go away.
I mean, having cancer, it's just one chapter of your life,
i-it's not your whole story.
Really? Well, it's your whole story.
Cancer's your whole story, it's your whole shtick.
It's all you ever talk about.
All you'll ever be.
Don't talk to me about this shit again.
I mean it, Joanna.
Instead of worrying about me,
you worry about why you're not getting laid.
How about that?
Cancer Girl.
[scattered applause]
Scoot over, baby.
[piano playing]
Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun up in the sky
You know
How I feel
Breeze
Drifting on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling
Good
And I'm feeling good
Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Hey. [grunts]
Blossoms on the tree, you know how I feel
Wow.
It's a new dawn, it's a new day
It's a new life
For me
Oh.
I'm gonna break your dick.
Huh?
Oh, you know what? This is distracting me.
-That's my grandpa. -Oh, yeah.
-Get out of here, Grandpa. -[both chuckle]
He survived Auschwitz.
-Oh, damn. -Yeah. Here.
Quickly gonna turn down my grandma, also.
She also survived Auschwitz.
Uh...
This grandma just died in her sleep.
Uh, my cousin. She's a huge bitch.
[both chuckle]
Oh, uh, let me. Sorry, I-I strained my rotator cuffs.
-Oh, I'm so sorry. -It's okay.
Birds
The sun
The breeze
The fish, the river
The blossoms on the tree
Now I'm in button land and I'm like,
"Oh, keep the buttons going-- wherever they go."
[chuckles]
Hey.
And I'm
I'm feeling
Good
[song ends with flourish]
[man] No traipsing.