"Isn't It Easy" by Goldmyth
I don't want to think it out
Just move by feeling for a while
'Cause I turn it inside out
And out and out
Easy
Isn't it easy?
[sighs]
slow, somber music
Feel that velvety, 100% polyester microfleece.
It is like getting a hug from a really good friend
on a day when you really need it.
And I am such a hugger.
-Are you a hugger? -Yes.
Now, this is item H-9891, the Twinsies Tandem Snuggie
by Sunday Sensations.
It feels so good, and it's such a mood lifter.
Throw out your Prozac, y'all.
Just kidding. Please don't do that.
But, seriously, I just feel so loved up and cozy
wearing this.
It's like we're two BFFs.
And do you know that I just met Danielle 20 minutes ago?
Can't you just imagine curling up under this
with your closest gal pal and watching a fun movie,
and having a nice glass of wine?
-Oh, I love wine. -[laughs]
-Me, too. -Oh, my God.
upbeat music
[indistinct chatter]
[sighs]
Morning. [chuckles]
Hi.
Ugh. Sorry I'm walking sideways, side to side.
[chuckles]
I guess I'm just tired because I didn't get
-much sleep last night. -Why not?
Um, I don't know, I guess I was doing all kinds of sex
and getting absolutely slammed and topped.
I'm-a get me some. Mm-hmm.
Hey, Perry, you should have put a ring on it.
Listen, I don't believe in marriage,
but mazel, you little hooker.
-[both laugh] -Hey, Joanna,
could you maybe read the room? Potato is sick.
I spent $700 on inhalers at the vet,
and nothing is working. All right, come on.
I could have spent that money on snow tires.
So, I heard you fucked Jordan. That's cool.
Yeah. It was so good.
So, obviously, I'm very exhausted.
He's so sweet. So charitable of him.
Wait, does he know that you fucked your doctor?
-[shaking salad] -What?
I saw you in the parking lot.
I mean, if you're not fucking your doctor,
why is he giving you meatballs?
Well, I don't owe you an explanation,
but because I'm a good person, I'll give you one.
Mm.
The reason that my doctor gave me meatballs
is because he's Italian,
and it's part of his culture.
So, hmm.
Here's an idea.
Um, why don't you mind your own beeswax
and go get fucked in your own pussy?
-Bye, friend. -[chuckles sarcastically]
-[exhales] -[rapid footsteps]
Do you think I'm pretty? Do you think I'm a ten?
Beth Ann, I cannot do this right now.
Okay, but I feel, like, really gross,
and it's just gonna take, like, two seconds.
Okay, you're a ten.
Well, now I feel like I can't tell if you mean it
'cause you feel like you had to say it.
Beth Ann, is that something
you desperately need from me right now?
To tell you that you're pretty? You get told it all the time.
You're very pretty.
Oh, yeah, like, you don't need people
to tell you that you're a ten?
'Cause I think you're a ten.
That wasn't so hard for me to say.
Well, I just said it to you!
But you didn't mean it. You didn't mean it.
[heavy, rapid footsteps]
tranquil music
Encantada.
[gasps]
[sniffing heavily]
Jesus fucking Christ.
The discourse is toxic. The discourse is toxic.
Don't you think the discourse is toxic?
No. Declare.
The discourse is toxic.
Ah, yes, I-I read that article.
Haricots verts.
Taxi.
Yes, uptown.
Darcy?
Fuck.
Fuck!
[phone line ringing]
Hi, it's Emmet. I'm not here right now.
-Leave a message. -[beep]
contemplative music
[Jackie] I stand in my power,
I stand in my strength.
I stand in my power,
I stand in my strength.
I stand in my power,
-I stand in my strength. -[phone chimes]
Holy shit.
Thank you... thank you... thank you.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
[groans]
"Duck"? Come on.
"Yes." Oh, good.
[sultry R & B playing]
Thinkin' 'bout you
Your tattoos are so cool.
Hmm, thanks.
What do they mean?
Um, well, uh...
Oh, this is my dog.
And, uh, uh, well, this is just a flower.
I can't get a tattoo.
Why not?
Because if you get a tattoo,
you can't be buried in a Jewish cemetery.
Oh. How come?
Hmm. Nobody knows.
-Hey, um, what's this one? -Garfield.
I was kind of obsessed with Garfield as a kid.
Um, yeah. Who wasn't?
He loves lasagna.
And hates Mondays.
I really like you.
You're basically my favorite guy in the world.
-Wow. -Except my dad.
But I've known him for longer.
That's totally fair. That makes sense.
-[music stops] -[beep]
I don't want to pry, you know,
and-and we totally don't have to get into anything
that you don't want to, but, um,
we haven't really talked about
your whole prognosis.
Oh.
I don't want you to feel like you can't talk about
what's really going on with you.
Oh, y... you're worried about me.
I mean, yeah, a little bit. [chuckles]
You know, I'll, I'll give you all the details...
at some point,
but, um, I just...
Just, could we just stay in this, like,
perfect little moment
and just be here?
Yes. Yeah, absolutely.
I'm-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to--
-No. -Let's just... Okay.
-Of course. All right. Okay. -Okay. Okay.
All right.
[jazz piano playing]
-Hello, Patricia. -Hey, baby.
I love Le Petit Swordfish. It's so fun.
Look at that big fish on the wall.
I wonder who caught that fish.
[both laugh]
I know we're three hours from the beach,
but for some reason, when I'm here, I feel like
I'm sitting on a boat or something.
[chuckling] You are such a goofy bitch.
-You look pretty. -Thank you.
Every woman deserves a luscious mane.
Even if it's on the forehead.
And statistically, the forehead is where
-the face meets the hair. -Exactly.
So why not highlight that beautiful space?
-Right? -Mm-hmm.
This is why I love Bangerz of Beverly Hills.
They are so fun, confidence-boosting,
easy to wear, great for a night out.
-No commitment. -Okay.
Are you ready to get banged?
On camera? I swore I never would.
[both laugh]
Just be gentle, it's been a while.
All right. Okay.
And just remember that I have a very small,
tiny little head.
I have big hair, but a small head.
-Okay. And you just got banged. -[gasps]
[gasps] Who is she?
And, you know, for you ladies at home who aren't ready
to commit to permanent bangs,
these are a super fun and great way
to just pretend you're someone else for a night.
Mm. Wouldn't my husband love that?
-Right? -[both laugh]
You know, it's so funny to see bangs again.
I haven't had bangs since I was 17.
-Really? -Which was actually how old
-I was when I met Austin. -Oh.
He was my mom's boyfriend for two weeks.
-Oh. -Cut to 11 years later.
My two beautiful children are like,
[high-pitched] "Why haven't we met Grandma?"
[laughing] Wow.
Today we have the Icy Blonde,
the Sass Brown, which is this really rich brown,
and the Midnight Magic is wow. [laughs]
That is really working for you, girl, don't you think?
Um, Beth Ann? [laughs]
I never should have
-brought your ass to Wimbledon. -[Jackie laughs]
Big deal. So I spilled a glass of beer on John McEnroe.
-Boo-hoo. -You embarrassed me
in front of the whole Sackler family.
Oh, they loved it, and you know it.
Pat, I have to say,
I am so glad you finally asked me to lunch.
It really has been too long.
[quietly] Jackie.
Listen,
I'm going through some shit.
It's hard for me to say it.
But I got to tell you something.
I understand. Don't worry about it.
I can get us started today.
So, you know my astrologer.
-Pam. -Pam. Yes, Pam.
Pam told me that in the next chapter of my life,
I really need to stand in my power.
-Right. -Right?
-Yeah. -So, I know
the last time we talked, I was maybe a little too vague
about the kinds of things
I was envisioning selling on my show, but...
stay with me...
this is a perfect example.
Ta-da!
What the fuck is that?
This is a Crystal Buddy.
Now, each Buddy comes with its own stone
for a variety of healing purposes.
They're basically like energy channelers.
This is Swagger Buddy.
He actually played quite a part
in getting us to sit together today at lunch.
-Oh, he did? -Yes, he did.
Did you know, Pat, that I was holding him
the very second that you texted me
to ask me to go out for lunch today?
You want to say that's a coincidence?
I don't think so.
This is just one example
of the kind of thing I would sell
on a Beautiful You I control,
where I get to sell things that reflect the new person
that I am growing into.
So Pam gave you these Canal Street rocks,
and now she wants you to sell these on air, huh?
Let me guess.
You owe her money?
No. No, I don't. It's not like that.
So you don't owe her money?
No.
I mean, well, I mean, a little, but that's not the reason why--
So you do. You do owe her money!
And now I'm supposed to sit here while you tell me this fucking
crystal turd
summoned me here somehow?
Okay, now I feel like you're being really rude.
These are very well made, Pat, but they're not indestructible,
so please be careful. Thank you.
No, no, no, Jackie.
Let me tell you what's rude.
The whole time you're sitting here
munching on a crab cake I'm buying,
you're just waiting for the right moment to hit me up
with this big scam you and Pam cooked up.
It's not a scam.
It all makes sense now.
Marty's gone, so you come crawling back
to your old pal Patricia to clean up your mess.
Well, guess what.
I'm still sick of it.
You want to know why you don't like your contract?
Because Pam fucking did it
before she was disbarred!
Now, the two of you can play sticker book
with whatever white nonsense you want,
but keep it away from my network.
This is so classic.
Classic you.
This might seem like just some big, stupid joke to you,
but do you know that this actually means something to me?
It's important to me, okay? To me.
You never change, you know that?
And you never let anyone else change, and that's why
maybe your own son doesn't want to speak to you.
slow, melancholy music
The fuck?
Yeah. Guess what. He texted me today,
and he told me that you called him,
but he said he doesn't want to talk to you.
Very interesting. Huh.
But he still wants to talk to me.
I think it's time you leave Le Petit Swordfish.
Fine. We're leaving.
You're welcome for the crab cakes.
They were mostly filler.
Bitch, I didn't make 'em.
-Oh, my God. -This is so cute.
Does that look like it'd be the right size for me? Okay.
You can just add it to my friend's bill.
Thank you.
[imitates gunshot]
Hey, Jackie, knock, knock. We got a late change
to the Infinite Luxuries Essentials Infinity Scarf.
We are pulling the Grecian Greige.
You good with that?
You got it, hon?
Jackie?
intense music
Jackie?!
Fuck... my... life!
Jackie, are you in there?
It's Deb.
Well, is Jackie in there with you?
-No? -Wrong answer, Deb!
Arch your back, and then
you're gonna feel it in your hamstrings.
Okay, well, that's how I fucked up my shoulder--
-Hey! -Aah!
Beena!
Actionable! What the fuck?
You what the fuck! Have you seen Jackie?
Beautiful You's on in 15, and she's nowhere to be found.
Well, did you check her dressing room?
Oh, I didn't think of that. Great idea.
Did you text her?
Oh, what a great idea to text her.
You know, I guess it just didn't occur to me
'cause I'm just a stupid woman with a giant Hello Kitty head
that goes "Meow, meow, meow"!
-Go help me find her! -I've got to go.
Eyes on Jackie, eyes on Jackie.
What's going on?
Jackie's missing.
[gasps] Who's going on for her?
Is she okay? Was it drugs? Who's going on for her?
-I don't know. What? No. Stop! -I think I can do it.
I think it should be me. She would have wanted that.
-I don't think she's dead. -I know. I'm just saying
I can do it. I can save the show.
Okay, go, yeah. Go to hair and makeup.
Okay, boss. Wait, wait.
Bangerz? Yay? Nay?
Not mad.
[squeals]
Jackie's missing, but I got it covered.
Beth Ann's already in hair and makeup.
-[sighs] -I'm sorry.
[door closes]
contemplative music
Mmm.
Joanna?
Hmm. Oh, you're here, uh, in my--
You're gonna fill in for Jackie on Beautiful You.
What? Where's Jackie? Is she okay?
-She's fine. -Okay, well, um...
I'm really flattered, but I just...
You know, I wouldn't want Jackie to feel, like,
weird or-or, like, betrayed.
She just betrayed the whole fucking network.
Now, listen,
you've been doing really well here, you know?
You've grown a lot.
And if this goes well,
maybe you get your own show.
Joanna, I really need your help right now.
You know what it's like
to have stress on top of cancer.
Now, you don't want to do it,
I can always send in Beth Ann.
Huh?
Heather, that is not a nose contour.
I asked for Dubai, not Kabul.
Hi. Beth Ann, I'm sorry.
We need the chair.
[woman] Going live in ten, people.
What?
[quietly] I tried.
I hate you!
[grunts]
-She didn't mean that. -I think she did.
-Yeah, she did. -Okay.
[upbeat theme music playing]
[female announcer] Next up on Beautiful You,
Jackie Stilton brings you amazing deals and steals
to make a more beautiful you.
Welcome to Beautiful You
Welcome to Beautiful You.
Hello, beautiful people, and welcome to Beautiful You.
I'm Joanna Gold,
and I am so sad that Jackie couldn't be here today,
but one thing that I do know is that she'd want us to have fun.
Now let's look at our first product.
It's an absolute favorite of Jackie's.
This is the Infinite Luxury Essentials Infinity Scarf.
Now... the problem
with traditional scarves is that they end,
and not always where we want 'em to.
But this scarf, it goes on forever.
Do we love?
Okay, and I just want to show you with this scarf
how many times I can wrap it around my neck.
It's really incredible. Okay, here's one.
And two.
And three times.
Hmm? And four times.
-And guess what. -[man] And cutting to "B."
Time number five.
Now, here's what I love,
and I am so freaking jazzed about this.
For the first time ever,
Fabulously Ageless is offering us
this breathtaking, 128-ounce, pump-top jug.
Now, we have a caller right now.
I'm hear... I'm just hearing that we have a caller.
This is Cristal from Boca Raton.
Cristal, hello. How are you?
[Southern accent] Hi!
Now, tell me, Cristal,
how many gorgeous tubs and jugs of cream did you get today?
Oh, no, I don't want any cream tubs.
[Jackie] [no accent] I was just wondering where
you got that pretty bracelet
with that lobster claw clasp.
Just has that air
of sophistication, you know?
contemplative music
Uh...
Well, I can't remember exactly where I got, uh, my bracelet.
But we are talking creams right now,
and it is time to, uh, move on to the serum.
So, Cristal, I'm going to, uh, bid you a good afternoon,
and we'll talk to you soon, then.
But... and, and, and now onto the serum, which I...
was a favorite of mine.
Oh, it's Mr. Meat.
Hey, Gumdrop. Those are cute shoes.
Oh, what? Thank you. You're so sweet.
[both chuckle]
Oh, my God. I swear, if one more person says
I look like Zooey Deschanel in these bangs, I'm gonna scream.
Oh, honey, you're so much prettier than Zooey.
-What?! [laughs] No. -[laughs]
Yeah.
[sighs]
Oh. What is that? What are you doing?
I'm just putting one last rub on this steak,
and I got to let it sit for an hour.
-You want to try some? -No, no, no.
I don't eat red meat 'cause Austin's against it,
'cause it's... it's unhealthy, and we like to keep it natch.
'Cause we don't believe in hospitals
'cause of the 5G, et cetera,
and all the carcinogens and stuff, so, you know?
I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
But I do know, what Austin don't know won't hurt him.
Come on. Come on.
Oh, my God.
Yeah. That's been frozen for 72 hours.
Oh, whoa, whoa.
Well...
-Ooh! -Mmm!
[both moaning]
Darcy?
Yes.
Sit down.
You might think I don't see you.
But I do.
Oh.
Okay.
That's for you.
You go have fun, okay?
[door closes]
slow, gentle music
[retching]
[dog barking in distance]
Jackie?
Jackie, please.
[indistinct chatter]
[sighs]
Boo, I need to talk--
-You're so good. -I'm so bad.
-I'm so fucking bad. -You're so good. Oh!
-[Perry] I'm so fucking bad. -You're so good.
-[Perry] Yes. Yes. -Oh, oh, oh!
-[Perry] Yes... -Oh, my God, you're good at sex.
-[Perry] I know. -Oh, my God, you're...
-[knocking] -Go away!
[knocking]
Jackie, will you let me in?
-[knocking] -Please?
[knocking]
[Jackie sighs]
[beeping]
[automated voice] Disarmed.
What are you doing here?
[sighs] I'm so sorry.
Can I please explain?
No. I don't want to hear.
Jackie, I... I just...
I got thrown into it, okay?
And, by the way, it felt horrible.
Didn't look that way. Looked like it felt great.
[sighs]
Look, if I'm being honest, I just...
I wanted to be you.
You have this, like, very glamorous life,
and you're so put together, and...
[sighs]
All right, come in.
Thank you.
[sighs]
"A Little Respect" by Erasure
I try to discover
A little something to make me sweeter
Oh, baby, refrain
From breaking my heart
I'm so in love with you
I'll be forever blue
That you give me no reason
Why you make me work so hard
That you give me no, that you give me no
Soul
I hear you calling
Oh, baby, please
Give a little respect
To me
And if I should falter
Would you open
Your arms out to me?
We can make love, not war
And live at peace with our hearts
I'm so in love with you
[man] No traipsing.