[crickets chirping]
[Joanna] Wow.
This is, uh, so cozy.
Do you want to come in?
It's a little messy. My maid skipped last week.
Oh, no, I-I love it.
Sorry.
[sighs]
Um, it's really... I love it,
it's got such an eclectic, chic quality.
Thanks. Well, I-I collect a lot of very rare and unique pieces.
Things you can't find anywhere, so...
[Joanna] No, yes.
I can see that.
-Very... -It's a little rude of you
to just show up without even calling.
Well, I did call. You didn't pick up.
Well, I can't find my phone.
So, how did it happen?
Did you just go knock on Patricia's door and say,
"I'll do it. I'll stab my friend in the back"?
Jackie, I didn't feel like I had a choice.
Okay.
Oh.
Amazing sarcophagus.
Thanks. It's actually a bar. You can open it.
-Oh. -I sold that in 1998.
It was made by Cairo Home Accents.
They went out of business, such a shame.
They were based in Galveston.
[laughs softly]
Why are you making that face?
Oh, I'm... I'm not making a-a face.
You're making a face.
This is why I don't like people over.
They don't even understand.
Jackie, what are you talking about? I understand.
Okay? I-I love this stuff.
[sighs] What a beautiful collection of roosters.
Is this one hand-painted?
I mean, what an incredible conversation piece.
Look at that scalloped edging. That's such a unique detail.
Yeah, I sold that in 2002. It was made by Farms Unlimited.
Daniel Farms, he was such a talented designer.
He overdosed, though. So sad.
Absolutely heartbreaking.
Daniel Farms.
Funny guy, too.
Wait a second. Is this all...
It's everything I've ever sold.
I wouldn't sell anything to my Jackalopes
that I don't love myself, so...
Jackie, I am really sorry.
Well, I really appreciate you saying that.
Means a lot to me.
I know Patricia can do really crazy things,
so I do understand that.
Maybe she's just going through a tough time.
-[clangs] -Oh, my God, please.
We're all going through a tough time.
Give me a break. I'm getting divorced.
You're going through your stuff.
Right. Yeah.
By the way, I do have to say, you were really good today.
I mean, not just, like, good. You were fantastic.
Look, Jackie, I was basically just doing you.
I mean, everyone is. You're a legend.
Please come back to work. Please.
I don't know.
I don't think I'm really wanted there anymore.
Jackie, what are you talking about?
Of course you are.
Okay, look, come in tomorrow morning,
and we will go talk to Patricia together.
Okay? You gonna come in?
We'll see.
9 a.m. sharp. What's your coffee order?
-Light and sweet and piping hot? -[both chuckle]
Mm, I'll think about it.
Okay, so I'll definitely see you tomorrow. then.
upbeat music
[Darcy] This photo is unusable.
Can I just say, I know this is your real life,
but producer hat, I need to look at it and be like,
"The girl has cancer. I'm sad because she has cancer."
-Can you do that? -Yeah.
-Got it, yeah. Of course. -Also,
what is the deal?
Is Jackie coming back or no?
Um, duh. Of course she's coming back.
Okay, well, I know you guys are, like,
little friends or whatever,
so you better fucking make sure that she does.
Okay? Because you don't just let Patricia down.
-Right. -Okay?
Because that woman is a goddess, okay?
And she's taking care of you, me, everyone here
more than any of us know.
And who takes care of her? Hmm?
Who's really there for her? Tell me.
Well, I mean, you are, right?
No. No, I'm not. I'm nothing.
I'm like a little bug that's nothing.
[phone chiming, vibrating]
Shit.
I have to take this. It's Europe.
quirky, upbeat music
[Beth Ann] You know, I think
you and I should have a little talk about
what happened the other night, because I've, like,
never, ever, ever done anything like that.
-Mm-hmm. -And, um...
I don't know, I think we should, like,
keep that to a one-time thing.
That's fine by me, sweetie.
Yeah, but, like... [exhales]
it was frickin' incredible, right?
You think?
Yeah.
Perry, we fucked for, like, ten minutes.
I, like...
This is so embarrassing, but for the longest time,
I thought you were, like, gay.
Oh, gay, straight.
L-O-L. What is this? The '90s?
-[chuckles] -Honey, I fuck.
I know. [laughs]
Yeah, but I'm glad you had a good time.
Boop.
Hold that for me?
Hey, Danny, wait up.
[inhales]
Did you and Perry hook up?
What? What?
[laughs]
-What? -Uh, look, just so you know,
I took three credits at community college
in body language, and the way he handed you that donut,
I am strongly getting that you guys hooked.
Okay, could you just... [shushes]
Beena, please don't tell anybody that.
I don't know what's going on, like,
I can't tell if he likes me. Like, you're the expert.
Does he like me? Like, I don't know what's going on
with my life right now, Beena. I'm freaking out.
Whoa. [shushes]
Listen.
Do you remember years ago, when the Dave Matthews Band
tour bus poured all that shit from their septic tank
off a bridge into the Chicago River
and it landed on a bunch of people?
-Just head-to-toe in feces? -Okay, sorry,
what does this have to do with my situation?
Well, I was managing Dave Matthews at the time.
And, sweetie, it was my decision
to dump those black tanks into that river.
Dave told me not to, but I don't take orders from talent.
The point is, I made a mistake.
But that's how we learn what we truly want.
Read this.
Trust me, it'll change your life.
"Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man."
Steve Harvey. Icon.
[Patricia] All right, people, heads up.
Gather, gather, please.
Sit down.
We've got work to do. Let's go, let's go, let's go.
We are three days out from Cancerthon.
Just a reminder, we have to sell
one million dollars' worth of merchandise in the first hour
or we don't make real money.
So, I need everyone together on this.
Where's Jackie?
Oh.
Hello, Jackie. [chuckles]
No, I don't need a coffee, you silly goosie,
just get your little bottom over here.
[clears throat] What's that?
Oh, you were just being impulsive
but now it's all okay? [chuckles]
We do all have those days.
Yeah. Okay, bye.
Jackie will be here any minute. Crazy traffic.
Um, I think Jerry Seinfeld's in town.
I wonder what kind of classic car he's driving.
-[chuckles] -I don't know who that is.
Jerry Seinfeld?
[Patricia] We're done here.
[Darcy] Yes, of course. Final sale.
Of course. I guess my only issue with that
is I'm on the website right now and it does not say final sale.
No, yeah, and I was on the website, obviously,
when I bought the bag, and it didn't say final sale.
More than happy to do that.
I am on the site now and it says,
"All sales are final... are final."
So I guess it says that and you were right.
[laughs]
Okay, well, what's the exception?
You do in-person returns in France.
Okay, well, that will be perfect for me.
Good. No, I'll just do that, and thank you so much
and take care and merci.
[screams]
I think I know where Jackie is
and I think we should go see her together.
-No. -Uh...
Fuck!
-Uh... -Let's go.
atmospheric music
[door opens]
[Jackie] Oh, hey. Come on in.
Jesus, Jackie.
[Jackie] Do you want to sit down?
-W-Where should I do that? -Here.
-Sit down. -[jingling]
Here, you can sit right here.
Here, I'll clear this off. Come in.
Take a seat. Here.
-You can sit here. -No, you can sit there.
-Okay. Uh... -[Jackie] I have bells
from 49 states, I just need to get
-a good Minnesota. -Oh, wow.
-[bells jingling] -[Jackie] They're fun.
[clattering]
Just gonna move this for one second.
Do you guys want something to drink?
Want a glass of water?
Yeah, I had some water on the way over.
[clattering]
Well, I have really good fresh mint lemonade, if you...
[muttering]
Glass of wine or something?
[clears throat]
Jackie, baby.
I think you need help.
[Joanna] I think we all could use
-a little bit of help, right? -No, no, no.
She has a problem.
What do you want, Pat?
We need to talk.
-Let's talk. -Love to talk.
Actually, Pat, I've been thinking a lot
about what I want to say to you,
and I would like to offer an apology.
It was unprofessional of me to not show up at Beautiful You,
and for that, I am sorry.
[Joanna] Apology.
Aww.
When are you coming back to work?
But...
the fact that we haven't been in alignment
is an important message that I really think
I need to receive from the universe.
So on that note,
I do have to say that I don't see an authentic path forward
for me at SVN.
[Joanna] What?
Jackie.
Just watching Joanna go through
her battle has made me realize how short life can be.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait.
What are you saying exactly?
Well, what I'm trying to say
is that I think my time at SVN
has come to a natural ending point.
And-and I think Joanna would make the perfect successor.
[Joanna] Okay, all right, I-I'm sorry, but, um...
Are we on MTV's Jackass?
Because, you know, t-this feels like
it's just a big prank, you know?
Right, Jackie? This is a big prank.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Okay.
You want to quit your job?
It is what it is.
Joanna,
you're the new host of Beautiful You.
We done?
Sure, we're done. Yeah.
I guess. I mean... [stammers]
Yeah. We're done, yeah.
Let's go.
[stammers]
What?
Well, your timing isn't exactly ideal,
with Cancerthon in three days.
It would be nice if you could...
...still do your segment
and formally pass the baton to Joanna.
Oh, my God, of course. Yes. Yes.
Joanna and I will do that and-and I have
to say goodbye to my Jackalopes.
Fine.
Then we're done.
You two can figure out your segment.
Okay, I just... Isn't there anything
that you-you want to share with each other?
[stammers] Like, talk a-a little bit more to each other?
Give a share?
You know,
Jackie,
you wonder why I don't trust you to make your own decisions?
Look around you.
Look at this.
[cuckoo clock chiming]
[chiming stops]
[sighs]
I rode with her, so I should...
Yeah.
somber music
Okay, so one idea I have that's so good is I-I would, like,
descend from a giant staircase in, like, angel wings?
Like, really dramatic and spiritual, you know?
Oh, my God, that makes total sense, because, like,
you are an angel, you know?
Oh, my God, these chocolate-covered
espresso beans are so good.
[both] One, two,
three, four, five!
They make me feel shaky but I love them.
So then what would happen is that, what I would say,
I'd say to my viewers, thank you so much, you've all been
so loyal, I love you, I love you, I love you,
and I'll be bequeathing Beautiful You
to the lovely Joanna Gold, and then--
-I'm listening. -This is so cool. What would
happen is I would lift up off the floor,
up high to the ceiling, it's almost like it's a magic trick.
Like, special effects, kind of.
And I would go up, up, up, up, up, up,
up into the heavens, blasting away.
-Wouldn't that be great? -Okay, I'm processing.
Now, my only question is, what do I say next?
Well, just say whatever you want to say.
I mean, say what feels natural. Say what comes to you,
-from your heart, you know? -Honestly,
if I'm saying what I really want to say, I'd want
to say, like, why are we even doing this?
Like, maybe this is just a big mistake?
Oh, no, no. No way, no way,
because it's definitely happening.
That's absolutely not a possibility. Because
it's almost like Pamela says, there's no mistakes...
-[both] Just happy accidents. -Yes.
Hey, wait. Did you ever see when Elton John played
at Lady Diana's funeral?
Oh, my God, yeah, it's my favorite funeral of all time.
So that's exactly the vibe that I want.
Like, not, like the sad of it all, but, like,
-the glam of it all. -Whoop!
Oh, my God.
Oh, no.
-Oh, thank God, it's okay. -Oh, my God.
[sighs] My heart was pounding.
It's okay, it's fine. I thought it cracked.
Wh-What is that?
This is what I stole from Neiman Marcus
when Patricia had to come bail me out.
They let you keep it?
No. No, actually, a few months later
she just bought it for me for my birthday.
That was so sweet of her.
Because she knew how much I liked premium
feline home accents.
gentle music
Jackie, why are you leaving?
Maybe I'm overthinking this whole goodbye thing.
Maybe we should just do, like, ten minutes of calls,
and then I'll turn it over to you.
I mean, nobody likes long goodbyes. Right?
Yeah, let's just do that. Then we can be done.
[sighs]
gentle music
[grunts]
[loud clattering]
Fuck.
[grunting]
[hold music playing]
-[shouting] -Whoa.
Fuck. Perry, what are you doing here?
I'm just looking for a new concealer.
My old one cakes like a mother.
What are you doing?
Hey, you just in here being sad?
[scoffs] No.
I'm on the phone with a buyer from France,
trying to return a bag because I'm a fucking idiot
-and a loser. -Hey. No, you're not. Hey!
Please do not speak that way about my sweet friend Darcy.
You don't get it. I have to return this bag,
-or I'm in, like, deep shit. -Okay.
[man] Monsieur, thank you for holding.
Unfortunately, we cannot accept your return at this time--
No, I know you said that earlier, but you don't under--
-Shh-- Hey, hey, hey! -Perry, it's not--
Écoutez-moi, j'ai trois millions de followers
sur TikTok, et je pense qu'ils seraient très...
pissed
que vous avez baisé mon ami
pour un sac stupide.
Non, non, non. Oui, j'ai dit baisé.
[man speaking indistinctly]
Alors tu vas arranger ça?
Ah. D'accord. Merci.
Done. It'll post in three to five business days.
What?
Perry, oh, my God.
-Thank you so much. -Yeah.
You have no idea how much you just helped me.
Oh, my God, don't-- Hey, don't mention it.
Perry's got your back. Give me a hug.
Come on, big hug, you little crybaby.
You have no idea. I was so fucked.
Oh... [shushing]
You just, like, saved my life.
Hey, it's okay.
-Thank you. -Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
I need to find my way, hmm
Hey.
[exhales]
What are you gonna do after this?
You know, I'm not really sure.
Fuck you, you fucking keto fuck!
I'm leaving you 'cause he's so much better than you,
and we did it from the front!
[continues indistinctly]
Yeah, fuck you, you fucking...
Such a messy bitch.
[both chuckle]
I know. So psycho.
[laughs]
[chuckles]
Are you sitting down?
I know you're getting ready for
the barn thing at Laura's Vineyard,
but I have something important to tell you.
What?
I'm, like, about to drop a major truth bomb,
so don't scream.
What is it?
I slept with Perry.
That's okay.
-It's not even a big deal. -You're right.
He's extremely not gay. [laughs]
-Uh-huh. -And...
...I'm leaving Austin.
Well, maybe that's good. Maybe that's good.
Because you've been thinking about that
way outside of Perry. Like, Perry doesn't even matter.
No, no, I'm doing it because of Perry.
I'm, like...
Oh, my God, I'm in love with Perry.
Like as friends?
No, like...
Have you ever heard the term "twinflame"?
Like, I think we're just, like, meant to be, or something.
I brought the kids to SeaWorld one time,
and we, like, swam with dolphins, and it was insane.
And, like, that's the only other time in my whole life
I've ever felt like this.
It did feel like that.
What?
I swam with dolphins, too, once, Beth Ann.
You're not the only one who's ever slept with a dolphin.
I'm gonna go get scissors, 'cause this is...
See you later.
Okay.
gentle music
I knew you were a fucking liar!
[laughs] You don't have cancer!
[laughs]
What are you talking about?
[mockingly] "What are you talking about?"
That wasn't your doctor.
That was your dad with the meatballs.
What?
quiet music
Uh...
Um...
I-If you want to rat me out,
just... just go ahead.
Please. Really.
Okay? I... I get it. I understand.
And I-I deserve it.
Just--
Just tell Patricia.
Oh. I...
Okay.
You want me to do it for you,
because you're too much of a little baby coward
to do it yourself. [scoffs]
Wow, wow. Oh, my God.
I've been, like, jealous of you this whole time,
but you're in hell.
No, I'm not gonna do your dirty work.
Honey, you made this dirty little dirt bed,
and now you have to lie in that.
quirky music
Cut to me doing great because
I'm acting like a lady and thinking like a man.
And I'm in love.
contemplative music
[crying softly]
[crickets chirping]
Hi. Why are you still up?
Oh, hi.
Um... why are you still up?
Um...
I kind of want to, um...
Like, I want to tell you something.
Okay.
I love you.
-What? -Sorry.
[clears throat] I love you.
And I you.
I... I love you, too.
[chuckles]
gentle music
Mm.
Mmm. Come here.
[sighs]
Shit and piss.
Oh, my God, Mom.
What are you doing here?
We brought you your photo albums.
I couldn't figure out how to scan 'em.
You drove all the way here?
That's so nice of you, Mom.
We need to have a talk.
Your dad and I, we've been talking,
and you need to figure some things out for yourself.
Oh, like, um,
how to scan photos?
-I know how to do that. -No.
I mean in life.
You and Dad both talked about this?
[toilet flushes]
Yeah. [clears throat]
We both talked about this.
Dad, did you wash your hands?
[sighs] Chip.
What's been going on with you, it's disappointing.
And we're not doing it with you anymore.
It's just everything has gotten so messed up at work,
and I just, I don't know how to fix it anymore.
I need you guys to tell me what to do.
Joanna, you're an adult now.
We don't make your decisions.
I'm not asking you to make my decisions,
I'm just asking you for some help.
And we've given you help, Joanna.
[phone ringing, vibrating]
Hello and what?
[Darcy] Sit down. Something insane just happened.
What?
We got Phillippe for Cancerthon.
I am losing my fucking mind! Oh!
-Oh, my God. -What's wrong?
I just didn't want to meet
Ryan Phillippe this week.
[sobbing]
You gotta figure this out on your own.
That's it.
Mom?
I agree with your father.
upbeat music
[indistinct chatter]
[man] Okay, let's go. Let's clear the set.
[indistinct chatter]
Jackie, you ready for one last one?
Oh, my God, I can't believe it.
What about you, Joanna?
Um, could we, uh--
could we, uh...
-What's wrong? -Are you okay?
All right, people, let's do this!
I need to tell you something.
-Patricia? -What's going on, Joanna?
I-I need to tell you all something, okay?
Oh, my God, you're scaring me.
No, I just, um, uh...
The-the thing is... I'm not sick.
Okay? I-I haven't had cancer this whole time.
I've just been lying.
What?
[quiet murmuring]
-[Jordan] Um-- -I'm so sorry.
-Uh... -How could you do this to us?!
"All That She Wants" by Ace of Base
She leads a lonely life
When she woke up late in the morning light
And the day had just begun
She opened up her eyes and thought
"Oh, what a morning"
It's not a day for work
It's a day for catching tan
Just lying on the beach and having fun
She's going to get you
All that she wants is another baby
She's gone tomorrow, boy
All that she wants is another baby
Yeah
All that she wants is another baby
She's gone tomorrow, boy
All that she wants is another baby, yeah
All that she wants
[man] No traipsing.