[Joanna] I'm not sick.
I haven't had cancer this whole time.
I've just been lying.
[Patricia] Everybody on your mark.
We are going live.
[indistinct chatter]
[director] Stand by V.O.
-[upbeat music playing] -[Donna] In association
with the American Cure Foundation,
the Special Value Network is thrilled
to present a very special weekend
of shopping for a cause.
[director] Widen that out a little bit.
[somber music playing]
[Donna] Every year, 1.8 million Americans
are diagnosed with cancer.
And at SVN, we stand with those
who are bravely fighting,
especially our very own Joanna Gold.
[upbeat music playing]
I'm Joanna Gold, and I'm a cancer crusader,
and it's time to...
SVN cares
[all] Shop cancer's ass.
[laughter]
[director] Clear.
Guys, I'm so sorry.
Eat shit, Joanna.
-Fucking fraud. -[Donna] ...Cure Foundation,
the Special Value Network is thrilled...
You have got to get me out of this.
Everyone hates her.
[Donna] ...shopping for a cause
with your favorite
SVN friends like
Beth Ann McGann,
Perry St. James,
and Jackie Stilton appearing together for the very first time
with Joanna Gold,
and a live appearance from celebrity
Ryan Phillippe.
So, grab your wallet for amazing deals
all weekend on glitz...
I would go home at night, and I would
think about you, and I would pray, "Oh, please,
God, I hope that she pulls through." I was really
worried about you.
I feel so stupid.
Oh, my gosh, no. Th-This isn't...
People tune in, and they trust you. Do you understand that?
How can you do that to your fans?
[Beena] Clear for set. Ten seconds to air.
I can't believe you.
-[theme music playing] -I'm so sorry.
I want to throw up.
[director] Five, four,
three...
- SVN cares -[Jackie] Well,
hey there, y'all.
Are we ready to have some fun for a good cause?
I am here with Joanna Gold.
Joanna, aren't you thrilled
that everyone is tuning in to help you?
Yes, it's a yes, yes.
Um... and I'll... I will tell you one thing,
I'm just so grateful for the opportunity
to be out here with my...
-Mm. -...good friend Jackie Stilton,
who is... she's the greatest of the great.
Yeah... Yes, yes, yes.
Now, if you don't know the Prince Charming Charms line
from Charmers of Canada, you are in for such a treat.
Look at this sparkle.
[Joanna] Now, let me take you
through some of my charms, okay?
We have the comedy and tragedy masks,
the enamel bagel with lox,
we have the "Yes All Women" spatula.
And, Joanna,
this is cool 'cause we have our Super V special today,
which is the leukemia ribbon charm.
How does that make you feel, Joanna?
Thinking of all your loyal viewers out there
supporting you by buying these
leukemia ribbon charms?
-It... Yeah. -What does it feel like?
-I'm so curious. -Feel... I'm processing
-'cause it's so much... -I would imagine.
-Emotional. Um... -Mm-hmm.
[Joanna] Now, this is the special edition
-friendship collection. -[Jackie] Mm.
And any of these charms, they just make the perfect gift
for that close friend who's been through
-thick and thin with you... -Mm.
...and understands that, hey, you're not perfect,
but you'll always be their friend.
Oh. Or, you know, you can just pick them up
as a little treat for yourself, if you want.
And, so, let me take you through...
I just want to talk to you because I am ready
for us to...
-Okay, thank you. -...have a moment and talk about
what we're gonna be and to explore whatever this is.
-Sweetheart. -Yes?
It's a no for me.
What?
Well...
I literally just left my husband for you.
-Oh, honey, no. -[Beena] You're live.
[both] Hi!
Hello there, my darling ones.
We're here talking shop for a cause,
get in the kitchen, comfort food. Now, say it with me...
[both] Dump cakes.
Now, Perry, what is a dump cake?
Well, I was just about to say.
It's just about the easiest cake on the planet.
No mixing bowl, no nothing,
you just dump it right into the pan.
And what we have for you today is the Cheff's Kiss
Bellissimo Springform Cake Pan.
Now, this is an aluminum, non-stick,
for those of you who aren't familiar
with the Bellissimo Cheff's Kiss collection.
Now, I'll-I'll help you, honey, 'cause it's actually not
"Cheff's Kiss," it's "Cheff's Kiss"
because they've all been designed by celebrity chef
Daryl Cheff, with the hard "ch."
-Daryl Cheff. -Don't you love when a man
explains how things work to you?
You okay?
Aren't you supposed to be on a plane?
[sighs] I was just thinking,
"Why am I gonna go cozy up to some rich people who
don't give a fuck about me when I can just do that right here?"
[chuckles]
Thank you.
-Oh. -Mm.
Oh, my God, you're hugging me.
Wow. We hug now.
[chuckles]
So... what're we gonna do
about Rachel Dolezal here? Should we yank her?
No. Nobody finds out about this.
Now we're in FCC fraud territory.
Hey.
You doing okay?
Not really.
White women'll fuck you.
We got our flour, our sugar, and we're gonna start
by cracking some eggs right into the pan.
Ooh, I love that it's non-dairy. That's great.
Oh, well, uh, an egg is dairy, darling. [chuckles]
No, no, it's not.
Uh, it's an animal product,
that's dairy, angel. [chuckles]
-We're gonna start-- -Dairy actually comes from
a cow, so... Wait, Perry, did you think that eggs
-came from cows? -Oh, no.
An egg is such a dairy, it's not even funny.
No, I'm positive, because I just took my kids to a dairy farm.
Haven't you seen a food pyramid?
Why do I know more about this than you do?
I think you're kind of stepping in it right now, honey,
-'cause that is not the truth. -I'm... [stammers]
I know that an egg is d-dairy.
Egg is not dairy. Is egg dairy?
Would someone look it up, please?
'Cause I'm gonna tell you what right now, an egg...
is D-A-I-R-E-Y, dairy.
Is it spelled with an "E-Y"
-or is it just "Y"? -Look it up. Just look it up.
Okay, you know what? I'm gonna lose it right now.
You're gonna drive me
-to drink, Beth Ann. -[Beena] Cut to Phillippe.
We promised you that we would have
a very special guest today,
and we did not disappoint.
I'm standing here with one of Hollywood's hottest.
Please welcome our guest, Ryan Phillippe.
Now, you may know Ryan as an actor,
an icon, a heartthrob,
but did you know that he is also an amazing entrepreneur
who has brought his brilliant line to us today.
Ryan, tell us about what you brought.
Ryan Phillippe Steaks.
Okay.
Can you tell us sort of the story of what brought you
to the world of meats and beefs?
Well... [chuckles]
-It's such a funny story. -[chuckles]
Every time I go out to dinner,
I order the steak.
And then what happened?
That's the story. It's funny.
Well, these look so freaking good.
And I just want to take you through some of our other, um,
features of the steak, which
there are s... oh, so very many.
Um, first of all, the box itself.
Imagine getting this box at your door,
you're coming home to a box of steak.
[stammers] Need I say more?
But you got to open it right away
because we don't pack it in ice.
You know, there was a time
when you were an inspiration to me, Pat.
Not just as a businesswoman, but as a friend.
I cannot believe you would do this.
Do what?
Orchestrate this lie with Joanna
so you could sell more shit.
The same exact way you made me lie about Marty.
Thank you, honey.
Okay. Now, hold on.
-No, you hold on. -No, you hold on.
Jackie, I did not know
that she was lying about cancer.
Really? You really expect me to believe that?
[chuckles]
I don't even know what the fuck is true anymore,
but I know one thing,
I know that you're not stopping it, and you,
Pat, are still making money off it,
and don't pretend you're not.
[Joanna] Now, we are almost sold out
of the pre-grilled samplers...
-Uh, which everybody loves. -Yes.
But we do have a few left of the skirt.
And, as we say in my house,
nothing says "meat" like Ryan "Philleep."
I thought it was pronounced "Phillipp-ee"?
Yeah, but that doesn't rhyme with meat.
Well, I mean, neither does "Philleep."
[sighs] Okay.
Nothing says "filet" like Ryan "Phillipay."
Your team kind of prepped me, uh,
before we met, on how to pronounce your name,
and I-I could've sworn it was "Phillippe,"
but it could've been a misunderstanding on my...
So, you want to tell me how to pronounce my own name?
[Beena] Woof. Cut to kitchen set.
Where is it in the, in the, in the k... in the grocery store?
In the... It's in...
-No. Okay. I... -Dairy section.
It's in the dairy section. That's confusing, but
it is not. It is actually non-dairy because
I've looked this up before.
-I have... -You've looked it up
'cause you didn't know. That makes sense now.
[director] It's not dairy.
So, Perry, what else do we dump?
[Beena] Yuck. Let's just cut to the final segment. Cue Donna.
[Donna] On behalf of everyone at SVN
and the American Cure Foundation,
Thanks for watching.
Now, keep those wallets open because Joanna Gold
and Jackie Stilton are back with more deals
and a special announcement.
Is Jackie coming or...?
[Beena] Jackie won't go on stage with you.
Well, cool.
[Beena] You had it all.
But now you have nothing.
[Joanna] Okay, so, let me
show, uh, you some of these.
If you don't have a bracelet to display your charms on,
you are in luck.
The bracelet itself today in
ten karat Goldique, which
-is just bold... -Here.
I know you think I have too much stuff,
so I've started getting rid of things
that I don't care about anymore, so you can take it.
It's yours.
[sighs]
[Joanna] So bold, so chic.
Absolutely love.
Don't go.
What?
I have cancer.
What?
No, you don't.
I know you think it's a lie because...
everything that's going on.
But it's true, baby. [crying]
Oh, no, you should've told me.
Why didn't you tell me?
Oh, Pat.
Well-well, let's go to our phones.
Our next caller is Shannon from Cleveland, Ohio.
Hey, that's my hometown.
[Shannon] Hello, Joanna. I don't know if you remember,
but I was your nurse when you were sick as a kid.
Remember on my birthday, when you stole my cookie cake?
Of-of course I remember.
[Shannon] You were a real piece of work,
and we were all so sad to hear your cancer came back,
but all the nurses here
are buying ribbon charms to support you.
Well, thank you so much
for your support, Shannon, and, um...
And look at how that catches the light and then...
Um...
And I'm...
And I-I can't do this.
I'm sorry.
-God... -[Joanna] I can't do this.
The thing is...
you've all been so good to me,
and you deserve the truth.
slow, sentimental music
I don't actually have cancer.
I lied
about my cancer coming back.
I guess I did it because...
Honestly, my first week here,
I got fired, and I just... I didn't want to lose this job.
I guess I just felt like
I wasn't enough.
And that is such
a bad feeling.
And I'm gonna donate
$100 to the American Cure Foundation.
[Beena] This isn't live.
-They cut away from you. -What?
This isn't airing.
-What's airing? -[Danny] Now remember,
we have the three step, the four step
and then the customizable steps.
-Well, when did they cut away? -[Beena] Patricia cut your feed
right before you started trying to tank the network
with all your cancer bullshit.
[Danny] Don't sit on this deal, folks.
Step on it and get yourself some pet steps.
upbeat music playing
Good evening.
For those of you who don't read Forbes,
I'm Patricia Cochran,
founder and CEO
of the Special Value Network.
I'd like to apologize for the momentary interruption
you just experienced, and assure you
that the Prince Charming Charmers Charms
remain available.
I want to thank every one of you
for participating in the SVN Cares charity weekend,
supporting a cause that is...
near and dear to us all.
I, myself, was recently diagnosed
with breast cancer.
I have not shared this information publicly
for fear that it may roil international stock markets.
[Jackie] But I've realized that there is strength
in sharing our stories.
[Patricia] But I've realized
there is strength
in sharing our stories.
[Jackie] And no matter what we tell ourselves
about how strong we are...
And no matter what we tell ourselves
-[Jackie] We need each other. -...about how strong we are,
we need each other.
And I know that nobody will think less of me
-And I know that nobody... -[Jackie] ...for needing help.
...will think less of me for needing help.
Because it's not weak to tell the truth.
-[Jackie] It's brave. -It's brave.
And I want you to know, I love you.
slow, sentimental music
And I want you to know that I love you.
[Patricia] Everyone at home
who has supported us,
we love you.
So let's be brave,
come together,
and shop.
And next week,
Jackie Stilton is back on Beautiful You
with an exclusive line
of stunning spiritual accessories
called Crystal Buddiez.
[chuckles]
You won't want to miss that. Thank you.
[director] Go to stage four.
Here's a little tribute
to all you cancer people at home.
Hit it, Ashley.
[Perry] Sometimes
In our lives, yeah
We all have pain... You felt it.
We all have
Sorrow
But
If we are wise... Like an owl.
We know that there's
Always tomorrow
- Now, just call... -What?
[Perry] On me, brother...
It's a good song.
A hand, we all
Need somebody
To lean on
I just might have a problem
slow, somber music
God, I just... I don't want to talk to you.
Do you want me to get you your gravity blanket?
Are you a sociopath?
I'm so sorry,
but... I really do love you.
And for what it's worth,
one of the things I love most about you
is that you make me feel like this...
beautiful woman, and not just some girl with cancer.
Because you're not a girl with cancer.
You don't have it.
I do love you, okay? That's real.
Joanna, you don't just, like, get to say,
"I lied about having cancer, but I love you."
Okay? You lied,
so none of it is real.
None of it was real?
[sighs]
slow, sorrowful music
Hi.
Hi...
Um, I'd like to meet with Patricia, and I
know that I'm supposed to go through you.
[Darcy scoffs]
Yeah, thanks. I appreciate it. I'll let her know.
I get why you did it.
Like, don't get me wrong, I think it was super fucked up,
but... I do get it.
Thanks, Darcy.
If you need, like, a job or whatever,
I actually know the casting director
who puts people on Taxi TV to talk about, like,
pizza restaurants and stuff, which is, like,
perfect for your skill set, so just let me know.
Okay. Thanks.
Okay.
[chuckles]
slow, wistful music
You broke my heart.
I know I'm getting fired,
and, therefore,
I wanted to tender my resignation.
Whether I work here or not,
I'm here for you.
And...
I think you should get treatment.
Thank you for all you did
for bringing your doctor here and all.
Oh. That was my dad.
You are so fucked up.
I know.
Hey, um, I was wondering if you could write a letter
saying that you laid me off?
Because it would be a huge help with, like,
eligibility for COBRA
or whatever.
Jesus, Joanna.
You can sell anything.
I have never met anyone like you.
[sighs]
Well, goodbye.
I've really... enjoyed--
You don't talk.
I talk.
You fucking lied to me.
[sighs]
And I think that shit was brilliant.
energetic, dramatic music playing
Don't ever fuck with me
or my money ever again.
Yeah.
-Mm. Mm. -Mm-hmm.
Now, listen.
Here's how it's gonna go.
Many of you are aware of my
struggles with cancer,
and I am so thrilled
to share with all of you that I...
am cured.
I don't have cancer "anymo."
No mo'. She gone.
"Beautiful Girl" by INXS
Nicky's in the corner
With a black coat on
Runnin' from a bad home
With some cat inside
I'm not sick.
I-I haven't had cancer this whole time.
I-I've just been lying.
Lights
That haunt
Thanks, babe.
She says
Stay with me...
-[surgeon] Ms. Cochran. - Stay with me
You did great. I'll be back to check in on you.
Stay with me
[Patricia] Oh, Jackie,
you got me flowers. [chuckles]
You old pussy.
They're actually from your son.
I told him.
Stay with me...
[sighs]
[Joanna over TV] And speaking of wellness,
uh, I just want to talk about some of these amazing
luxury products by By Joan.
Now, first of all, I want to take you
through my tincture.
As a reminder, all of these products by By Joan
are available on our app,
you can call in, or you can go online.
Thank you so much for joining us,
and we'll see you next time.
Clear.
Um... Excuse me.
Um, could I just have
everyone's attention for a moment?
Um...
I know that this whole situation feels
diarrhea for all of you,
and-and I want you to know
it feels diarrhea for me, too.
And I'm just, I'm so, so sorry.
-[man 1] Who cares? -[man 2] Yeah. Okay.
[sighs]
[low, indistinct chatter]
slow, somber music
Said the bitch.
[gasps] Oh, my God.
[Joanna] Look,
I know everyone hates me,
and I can accept that, but what I cannot accept
is you hating me, and us not being friends.
Well, tough cookies, Joanna,
'cause we're not really friends anymore.
Well, I hate to break it to you,
but I know that you still love me.
Well, I don't know if you heard, but love is a verb,
and you haven't been verb-ing me.
Well, I'm going to.
I'm gonna do whatever it takes.
I don't even know where I'm gonna start,
because you can't just fix something like this overnight.
This repair is a gonna be a fucking project, Joanna.
Well, that's perfect,
because I love projects.
[Jackie] And I'm going to be mad for a long time,
and I'm going to need to be allowed
to be mad for a long time.
Absolutely.
[Jackie] This is therapy territory, Joanna.
Like, major therapy, you and me, like, more than once a week.
-Mm-hmm. -And my insurance has a big
deductible, so you're gonna have to put it on your insurance.
Yeah. Great. Insurance is no object.
And I want your coffee syrups.
All of them?
Yes.
[sighs] Deal.
You get all of the coffee syrups.
[sniffles]
I really miss you.
I really miss you, too.
sweet, optimistic music
But how do I know that you can really do all this?
Let you walk away, just let you leave...
Because I'm gonna prove it to you.
Damn it, Joanna.
Taking every breath
With you, ooh
You're the only one who really knew me...
I tried this on, but it looks better on you.
How can you just walk away from me?
When all I can do is watch you leave
'Cause we've shared the laughter and the pain
And even shared the tears...
[cell phone buzzing]
You're the only one...
-Hello? -[man over phone] Joanna Gold?
Who is this?
I'm calling from the office of Leslie Dean LaFarge,
President and CEO of the Home Shopping Network.
-HSN. -Leslie is a huge fan of yours
and would love to meet you to discuss a potential opportunity
for you to host your own show at our network.
-My own show? -Yes. Are you interested?
Yes.
So, take a look at me now
Oh, there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
Now, take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
But to wait for you is all I can do
And that's what I've got to face
Take a good look at me now
'Cause I'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
It's the chance I've got to take
[man] No traipsing.