- You like that. - Oh!
- Yeah! - That finishes it.
Look at this sink!
- Whoo! - It's our sink that we installed.
- I... - We are officially
- fixing this house up. - ... just want to
wash dishes in this sink.
I want to dry dishes in this sink.
Oh, yeah, don't... don't be afraid to blast 'em.
My God. When was the last time you two had sex?
What? That's none of your business.
- We're roommates. - No, we're not roommates.
- Beau. - You are temporarily staying here
because you are separated from your wife.
Whatever it is, I've got a front-row
seat to your marriage,
and I'd like to give you some feedback.
Oh, well, I have some feedback for you.
- We don't want your feedback. - Yes.
What have you guys been married, uh, almost two years?
- Two years, yeah. - Mm.
Honeymoon is over.
Now you're getting to Phase Two.
Really? Uh, how many phases are there?
That's it.
Phase Two, then death.
- Beau, I'm a licensed therapist... - Mm-hmm.
... and I can assure you that Mike and I,
we have a communicative, very healthy relationship.
You two haven't lain together in three weeks.
You're counting?
- Yeah. - Mm-hmm.
That's not appropriate.
It's also, like, not accurate.
I just don't want you two to become me.
Staying in your idiot neighbor's house
while all your stuff gets dropped off on a pallet
in the front yard.
Top of the morning, butthole!
Oh. Okay.
Hey, Mike. Hey, Rio.
That pallet better have my model train set on it!
And the 19 years I lost!
Beau, Beau, Beau.
Can't imagine why you're separated.
I just don't want this to become that.
This cannot become that.
W... 'Cause we're good.
We're good.
All I'm saying is you're not doing it,
and that can't be okay with both of you.
But what do I know?
Not having sex worked wonders for my marriage.
Mmm.
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com
I don't want to let Beau get inside our head.
- You know what I mean? - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Because he's going through a really rough time,
he's projecting his pain onto us.
But I think he, uh... He might be right.
I think it's been three weeks.
- Mm. - Is that right?
- Yeah. - Oh, boy. I just think
it's impossible to be intimate with
like, Beau hanging around.
- You know? - Yeah, he's a big part of the problem.
We should tell Beau to clear out for the night.
Did you just say "part of the problem"?
Oh. Uh, boy, I don't think so.
I... I... I think I said "apart."
Like I hate when we're apart.
- Mm-kay. - Yeah.
I thought I heard something different, but...
Hi. Oh, look at you.
- Constance will ring you up. - Okay.
Oh, to be the buttons on that cash register,
experiencing your gentle pat.
Vocabulary of a poet and the mind of a dog.
- Wow. - They're barking at each other.
Constance!
- Whoa! - Special delivery!
Yeah, there was a package outside for you.
- I don't know. - Oh, uh, wait,
let me film you opening it.
I'm not expecting a delivery.
What is this?
What... What... What the hell's going on here?
Just open it, just open it.
Okay.
There is nothing in here!
- Surprise! - Aah!
Ah!
Brandon!
- Ohh! - What?
- It's Brandon! - Whoo!
My baby's back!
I was initially supposed to be in the box,
but then I got claustrophobic.
Oh, just look at you.
- Oh, my God! - It's like one of those,
like, soldier-coming-home videos,
but it's, like, not a video.
Yeah, it's like the Internet just came in here,
but even more emotional.
Hey, thanks, everybody, for being here.
Really appreciate it. What's up, Kay?
Same crap, different flies.
- Good to see you, Brandon. - Where's Beau?
Oh, Mom and Dad are separated.
- Yeah. - It's an adult issue.
Nothing I said or did caused it,
and there's nothing I can do to change it.
- Yeah. - Mom, can I stop filming now?
I think I'm running out of storage on my phone.
Well, it's 'cause you're taking so many pictures
of your winky-dinky on there.
- You know it's a shared drive, right? - What?
- Hey, great seeing you. - Good to see you.
- Hey, how are you? - Hi.
- Hey. Hi. - Hey. Mike.
- I'm Brandon. - Hi.
- Rio. Hey. - Oh, wow.
Nice to meet you both. Yeah.
- Thank you. - Yeah.
Are you guys just passing through?
You going to Omaha?
Oh, no, we moved here from New York City,
- from Manhattan, and... - Yeah.
- we've been living here, yeah, - We live on, uh
- six or seven months. - my Aunt Maggie's farm, and
- we're rebuilding it. - Yeah.
- Oh, amazing. - It's really great.
How is Maggie?
Oh, uh, she's been better. Um...
- Yeah. - I don't know why I said that.
- She passed. Her fight is over. - She died.
Wow. Why didn't you tell me that?
- Uh... - What else is happening in this town
that you didn't tell me about?
Um...
Nothing comes to mind.
I haven't told Brandon about us yet.
This is all so new,
and I haven't been with another man
since his father, Morris, passed away.
I understand completely.
So, what are you saying?
I'm gonna tell him later.
I find your prudence intoxicating.
Ohh...
So, Beau, you're gonna sleep in this tent tonight.
Think of it as, like, camping.
I don't want to camp.
What if I have to go to the bathroom?
Well, that's what the bottle's for.
That ought to get you through the night
and, uh, maybe even one time in the morning.
What?
Oh! I see.
You want some privacy, do ya?
- Yes. - Yee, doggies!
You know, I see you're really
taking my advice to heart.
- Well, it's... - You know,
I have lots of thoughts...
Wait, wait, wait. Is that you?
- There he is. - Look at that mane.
- Like a lion in the jungle. - Oh, wow.
I used to go through a bottle of shampoo a week.
So did Kay. Look at that.
- Yep. Bet you two snapped some combs. - Look at that.
- All right. Well... - My hair was everything.
Ah, well...
She never forgave me for losing it.
That's not true.
Do you think I'll be alone forever?
- No, no, no, no. - I don't think that.
- No. Absolutely not. - You shouldn't... Don't even...
- ... go there. - You're gonna be fine.
- We'll catch up with you in... - We'll... Yeah.
- I'm scared. - You know what?
You're gonna have a great night tonight...
- Yeah, very safe... - ... in the tent.
- All-weather tent. - And it'll be super, super fun.
- What are some of my best qualities? - Okay.
♪ Happy birthday ♪
Come on, Ma, you know it's not my birthday.
Oh, I know.
But I wanted to celebrate all the ones we missed
while you were away.
That's an insane amount of cake,
but I'm down. Let's do it.
Uh, son, I wanted to talk to you about something.
Man, I can't believe y'all kept this water bed.
I mean, why did you and Dad even let me get this thing?
Well, you know your dad and Costco.
Yeah.
I miss him.
Yeah. I do, too.
What did you want to talk to me about?
Well, um...
- I'll get it, Mom. - Wha... Oh, really?
Yeah. You got the cake. I'll get it.
What's up, Rudy? What are you doing here?
He came to buy your water bed.
How did you know I was trying to get rid of the bed?
- Oh. - You just said so.
So, let the man in so he can buy your water bed.
I'll pay any price.
I mean, I'll just give it to you.
You do that, and I walk.
No one gives me a bed for free.
- Here we are. - Yeah.
The house all to ourselves.
- Hello, nobody. - Are you ready...
Are you ready to do that thang?
Yeah, I am.
- Honey? - Yeah.
I just want to ask you one question...
Before we... you know?
- Uh-huh. - Um...
in the store, you know, when you said
that Beau was part of the problem,
can you just explain what you
- meant by that? - Honey, we don't need to
go over that again. I mean, it was just nothing.
I was just trying to make conversation.
Oh, you don't have to get defensive about it.
I... I... This is actually...
This is just like a discussion.
- Oh, okay. - It's, like, what healthy
couples do, you know?
- Sure. - They just, like, talk about
- what they're feeling, you know? - Yeah.
And that's what I wanted to provide for you.
Just, like, a forum.
Okay. I guess, um...
Well, um...
You know, I guess...
I wish we had more sex.
- I do too. - Ah.
I want more... I'm so glad that you said it,
- Yeah. - because I was like...
I mean, ever since, like, Beau has been in this house,
- it has been, like... - Oh, you know,
b-b-but before that.
Oh, before that?
- Yeah. - Okay.
Are you sort of, like, pointing the finger
at me a little bit there?
You know what? I... I think maybe sometimes...
- Sure... - Um...
You prioritize other things over it.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I hear you.
I hear those words, and I accept them.
Um, you know, 'cause if we're being honest,
which I think we are,
- in the best of ways right now. - Oh, you have one, okay.
Um, I would say I'd probably want to have sex more often,
you know, if it had a little more...
salt n' peppa.
- You know what I'm saying? - Oh.
You play a lot of the, like, "greatest hits."
- Oh, yeah, uh-huh. - Yeah.
When there's not, like, a lot of new songs.
- Okay. So, yeah. - Does that...
You're the type of music-goer...
- Yeah... - that, when you go see
- The Rolling Stones... - Okay.
... you want them to stay away from those hits
and... and hear some of the solo projects, maybe?
- Yeah. - Got it.
And that's incredibly healthy, wonderful.
Like, now that we have this, like, healthy, open conversation,
I'm feeling really sexual.
I feel informed
and ready to be intimate with you.
Great.
I'm gonna have a little sip of wine.
- Me, too. I would love that. - Just to wet my whistle.
Very good... good call.
- Thank you. Cheers. - Cheers.
Mm-hmm.
And let's, uh... I'm gonna go like this.
Okay. Oh!
Hello, Mr. Conductor!
Good to see you, too!
Oh, you know what? I think the ceiling is leaking or something.
Oh, dear. Yeah.
- Oh, I'm feeling water, too. - Yeah.
- Oh! All right. Yeah. - That's pretty significant.
Um, actually, we do need to deal with this right now.
- Legit. - Okay.
I think we fixed our drip.
Well, thank you so much, Mr. Repairman.
Oh. Yes, yes. I am a repairman.
I mean, how much do I owe you for all this?
$25,000.
Oh, no.
You pay for the labor, and I'm the best.
Maybe there's some other way I could compensate you?
What do you have to off...
Ehh.
Yeah, this scenario feels a little problematic.
It's not in line with the current awareness, no.
Uhh-la-la-la.
What if we were both senators with equal pay?
- Yes. - Ohh.
We have just, like,
the... most equal division of power.
- Yes. - It's, like, steady.
- Hey, Senator. - Yeah?
What committees are you on?
I... Um,
I don't really know any committees.
- Uh... Uh... - Oh, I...
Um, but, I've got the full weight of my subpoenas...
Very good.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, my God!
- Oh, honey, that's... - What?
Oh! Uh-oh. Oh, my goodness.
- That's what that is. - It's running, it's running.
- Uh... - I am not a plumber,
- but that is bad. - Yeah.
Let's, uh, deal with that,
but I'm keeping my shirt off,
- 'cause we're staying in the game. - Keep our head in the game.
Yeah.
Yeah, my back really benefits
from the complete lack of support.
I'm in ecstasy.
Good, 'cause from the look on your face,
I thought you were in excruciating pain.
I'll get the hose.
Okay. I'm on fire for you.
Keeping this a secret has just made things hotter.
Oh, yeah.
Let's never tell Brandon
so we can keep this blaze burning forever.
Now, as much as my body wants that,
I think now is the time to be honest.
I... I... I just want to get you off of this bed.
Give me a good tug 'cause I can't get off.
- Okay. - Pull me that way. Pull me hard.
You're not pulling.
- Oh. Whoa. - Hold on.
Let's just get a little motion going
and maybe it'll propel us off.
Yeah, get it going, get it going, get it...
I think I'm ready to get off.
I'm ready to get off.
Oh. Hi, son.
Hey.
Okay, the Internet says
to locate the leak,
you have to find the source of the dripping,
so listen.
You know, I'm trying to hear the drip sounds...
but I'm just hearing this weird hissing sound.
Honey, I really appreciate you keeping the vibe going.
But when you do the sexy drip sounds,
I can't hear the actual drips.
Okay, fine.
I'm just, like, trying to keep the sexy vibe up
because, you know, apparently you have
a ravenous appetite for the flesh.
Okay, well, I'm just saying
you don't have to make the Internet plumbing instructions sexy.
Mike, I think I do have to,
because on top of moving across this country
and raising chickens with you
and living in a leaky hovel,
I also have to be a horny plumber
- who was elected to Senate. - No, no, no, wait, wait, hold on.
You... You... You wanted to be the Senator.
- I know! - Y-Y-You told me to mix it up.
Rio, I just... I don't have a lot of great ideas, okay?
I'm like a... Just a meat and potatoes guy.
I love meat and potatoes.
I'm all for meat and potatoes.
I was just asking for a little sauce on the side.
Okay, I would whip you up some new sauce
if you stopped by the restaurant more than once every three weeks.
What are we even talking about? I don't even know. This is like...
This is crazy.
Why are we arguing like this?
I think Beau's right. This is it.
We're... We're in Phase Two.
No, Beau is not right. I will not accept that.
I don't want to be in Phase Two!
You know what? We just need to...
- We need to have sex immediately. - We have sex immediately.
Whew! Okay.
- Hi. - Ah, hey.
- Mr. Repairman. - I don't know if you knew,
but this plumber also moonlights as a stripper.
- What? - They call me The Hammer.
- Oh. - Because I nail everything.
Yeah. Yeah.
- Oh! Geez! - Honey!
- Oh, my God. - Hold on. Hold on, I got it.
- I got it. - Wait, wait. Take... Easy.
I think it's like...
What's this?!
They're snakes!
Lift up my hair! My hair, my hair, my hair. Okay. Oh.
- No, no. There's none on you. - Okay.
They're all on the floor. There's some...
- They're all on the floor. - Do I have stuff on my...
- Oh, my goodness, look at 'em. - Ohh, look at it!
It's so bad.
- What's he doing? - I don't like it.
- Oh. - Ohh!
- Don't put your hand in there. - Don't do that.
Nope. It's clean.
There we go.
- Ohh! - Ho-ho!
Oh, now, stop it. Get back here.
Stay, stay, stay.
- I, uh... - Beau...
... thought you guys didn't need my help.
- Well, we do need it. - Thank you.
Thank you for cleaning up the snakes.
No problem. No worries at all.
I also called you a plumber.
Th... Thank you, actually.
- Hey, little guy. - Oh, man!
Oh! Oh!
- Why are you putting it in your pocket? - He's putting it in his pocket.
They're not poisonous.
- It doesn't matter. - Still!
- Just... It's gonna bite your body. - What do you know?
You're a couple of dopes who have snakes in your house.
Now, are you finally ready to take my marriage advice?
- No, not right now. - No, thanks.
You just said you wanted my help!
In the snake department.
Marriage is a lot like snakes.
- How, Beau? - I'll bite.
- What? - I... I want to see
- how this metaphor ends. - Oh, yeah?
- Yeah. - All right, now,
I've been thinking about this a lot,
and I've devised a three-point plan for a successful marriage.
- Oh, dear. - Number one...
Always look good.
Rio, never let Mike see you without makeup.
- I don't wear makeup. - You should write that down.
Men are visual creatures.
We like what we see. Same goes for you.
If you ever start losing your hair
and it comes out in tufts, get plugs immediately.
If she cannot run her hand through your mane,
she's gonna run it through someone else's.
So, visual and tactile.
- Mm-hmm, okay. - Great. You got it.
Number two, don't be friends.
No.
- O-O-Okay. - Because when you do,
you forget to be lovers.
- Right? Don't play doorknob - Mm.
with your spouse, play it with your buddies.
- Wait, what's "doorknob"? - You know, doorknob!
Even if you say it louder, I don't know what doorknob is.
You know, uh, doorknob is when, uh, uh,
you break wind, and you go, "Doorknob!"
And if your... Your companion doesn't, uh,
touch a doorknob before you do,
then you got to punch them in the arm.
- Oh, God. - Wow.
And... And you and Kay were playing that?
- Yeah. Eventually that was the... - Oh.
only activity we shared.
- Yeah, yeah. - Number three,
third tip is, uh,
try to figure out what's going wrong, uh,
before it's too late.
You know, just to circle back,
uh, h-how is it that...
That snakes and marriage are similar?
They're both cold-blooded.
Oh, wow. I thought there would be a better payout for that.
Hey, Mike? Rio?
- Butthole? - Sounds like the plumber's here!
- Oh, Kay's the plumber? - Yeah.
Yeah, she's magic with a wrench.
Hey, that better be a snake in your pocket.
Oh, yeah, it i... it is.
Mmm, this is so good.
Rudy, it's just delicious.
Thank you, thank you.
So...
How long have you two been dating?
Who?
Uh... M-Me?
What? No.
No. No. N... Him?
I wouldn't... No.
Mnh-mnh. No. Hmm-hmm.
- How'd you know? - Come on, Ma.
It has been obvious this whole time.
Okay, now that you know what I'm after,
what do you want to do, arm wrestle,
engage in some other contest of physical dominance?
No. I don't want to do physical dominance with you.
I'm cool. This is cool.
If you're happy, I'm happy.
Oh, I didn't think I could get any happier,
but here I am, a fraction happier.
It's nice to do the whole family thing again.
Yeah. The family thing.
Um, will you excuse me?
- This is good, by the way. - Thank you.
- What's the secret? - Cooking it.
Connie.
Are you okay?
Here I thought it was going to be Brandon
having a tough time,
but Rudy, you were right, it... it's me.
Seeing you with him,
sitting around the table like we used to with Morris,
that... that's a lot.
If it helps, I'll never sit again.
- Can I ask you something? - Yeah.
Is it okay if we not do that family thing just yet?
Is it okay if you just be my boyfriend for a while?
Boyfriend?
Does that mean we're exclusive?
Yes, and I'm your girlfriend.
You're my girlfriend.
That's fantastic.
Who's your mama? That's right, Kay's your mama!
Yeah!
I taught him a lesson.
You sure did.
What am I really doing here, Beau?
You know how to fix these pipes.
I mean, compared to you, I wouldn't know the difference
between a dip tube and a ballcock.
Well, I, uh...
I want to ask you what happened to us.
All right, now, I was...
looking through the pallet the other day.
And I found this. Look at that. Look at that.
Oh, my God.
- We were happy. - Yeah, I love that photo.
That was fun, right?
I mean...
- Was it the hair? - Beau, I don't care about your hair.
I love that photo because we were having fun together.
When did that stop?
I guess if I had to pinpoint it,
I would say when I wanted to go on that cruise
on our sixth anniversary, and you said,
"Why would I want to spend a bunch of time on a boat
with a bunch of people I don't know,
seeing places I've never been?"
And then we ended up
listening to your police scanner all night.
- That was fun. - It was our anniversary.
I know! The guy, uh... he...
He robbed the liquor store.
They found him at his grandma's.
They caught him. They always do.
Yeah, I just wanted our lives to get bigger,
and you wanted it to stay the same.
Yeah, I...
I... I wanted it to stay the same.
I... I... I was ha... I was happy, so...
Well, I'm sorry I never told you I wasn't.
Well, I'm sorry I didn't ask.
Thank you.
We shouldn't be listening to this.
No, we probably shouldn't.
Well, these pipes are fixed.
I think the snakes are a completely separate problem.
They got to find the nest.
- Nest? - All right, well,
I'm gonna get going.
It was good to see you, sort of.
You too.
- Doorknob! - What's that?
Ohh!
I guess we are
officially out of the honeymoon phase
and into Phase Two.
I don't think Phase Two's that bad.
No, me neither. Relationships change, you know?
Like, they're supposed to change, so...
I think the key is letting them change.
I'm excited to go through all the phases with you.
- Me, too. - I can't wait for that phase
where we both pick up weird hobbies.
What kind of weird stuff do you think I'm gonna do?
Full-body spandex.
Wow. You did not hesitate.
- You feel very confident about that. - Yeah, I feel... well...
You had a little snake juice on your forehead.
- You know what's crazy? - Hmm?
Is that when you rubbed that snake juice off of my head,
it really turned me on.
- Well, Senator, I would... - What?
... with your permission, like to introduce
a very big bill to the floor...
Motion granted.
Mm.
What... What the...
You know what? We'll deal with it tomorrow.
Yeah. It's better if you can't see the snakes anyways.
Yeah, I have some important news to share with you.
Constance and I are officially boyfriend and girlfriend.
I'm her bae now.
Her son Brandon is supportive of the relationship,
and I hope you will be, too.
You're feeling a lot of emotion right now, and that's normal.
But would you at least say hello?
When you told me your best friend might take it hard,
I wasn't expecting a goat.
Now, Theresa, you're being hysterical.
This man was kind enough to give us his bed.
Thank you for the bed, by the way.
Thanks for making my mom so happy.
It's my honor to know her.
To know both of you.
Yeah.
Bye, Theresa.
She's coming around.
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com