Guys, I did it!
- Yay! - Amazing!
You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?
I got the liquor company to sign off on my big idea.
Oh, come on.
I told you about it last night.
You said, "Wear something cute."
Oh. I always say that when I'm not listening.
Refresh our memory, so we can join
in your excitement, please?
So, on St. Patrick's Day, I was doing a...
let's call it a-a research crawl.
And I noticed that all the really packed bars
had liquor sponsorships.
So, long story short, I got one for Mitzi's.
And they said I could keep the sponsorship fee
as a bonus.
Ooh. What kind of bonus are we talking?
"New Mercedes" bonus
or "the story wasn't worth it" bonus?
More like a "baby rhino" bonus.
Oh, I don't think that's very practical, Jackie.
You see, I used to own two baby rhinos.
And they're great, like, for the first couple of months,
and then you're basically dealing with full-sized rhinos.
I'm not buying one.
We're gonna visit one at the San Diego Zoo.
Sammy's been obsessed with their new baby rhino,
and I want to take him there.
We never get to take a vacation,
but with this bonus, we could actually go.
Well, wear something cute.
Uh, what event is the sponsorship for?
- Oh, you're gonna love this. - Oh.
Cinco de Mayo.
Uh-oh.
Cinco de Mayo, you say?
Yeah. And I'm gonna need everybody's help at Mitzi's.
Oh, super easy. All you have to do is push some tequila,
and we're gonna hang up some Mexican decoration...
May I?
Ooh. Mustache sticks.
And-and mini novelty sombreros.
This is perfect
to celebrate Cinco de Mayo.
Which is a celebration of what again?
Mexican Independence Day, right?
Uh-oh.
No. No, Jacqueline.
So I'm guessing that's a no.
Luis, could you please Mex-plain the actual history
of Cinco de Mayo to Jacqueline?
Cinco de Mayo celebrates the Battle of Puebla,
when an undermanned band of Mexican fighters
defeated a much larger French army.
Mexican independence was declared
more than 50 years earlier.
Exactly.
Cinco de Mayo's barely observed in Mexico.
But, here, they make it a celebration of Mexican culture.
Which would be a beautiful thing,
except no one knows what the hell they're celebrating!
Hey. Hey.
The whole commercialization of Cinco de Mayo
was driven by the American beer companies in the late 1980s.
And we're both very upset about it.
- Wow. I had no idea. - Mm.
I-I was gonna ask you to be the emcee,
but I understand if that would make you comfortable.
The emcee?
In other words, a chance
to properly teach the people of Reseda?
Well, uh, more like welcome them,
make sure they're drinking, host a pepper eating contest...
Which I will do, along with crowd-friendly jokes
and educational songs.
- I didn't say songs. - You didn't have to.
Synced & corrected by -robtor- www.addic7ed.com
I just miss the days when Cinco de Mayo
was simply five days before Mother's Day.
Ooh, Mother's Day.
I wonder what Bijou's going to get me this year.
Mm. I'm just remembering how my whole family
will celebrate mi mamá at our beach house for Mother's Day,
which everyone will be doing this year...
without me.
You know, maybe not.
My little birds told me
that your Abuela Rosa told Tía Carla
that your mamá told Gia at Paprika Hair Salon
that she wishes to see you this Mother's Day.
- Really? - Really.
You should e-mail her.
You won't be asking for anything except for a plane ticket
followed by a short speedboat to land,
where Jeff Probst will take you to the house
in time for the family games.
Thank you, mi corazón. I will write to her.
And then I'll get to work on my Cinco de Mayo performance
- for Jackie. - Not a performance.
Thanks for watching Sammy.
Oh. No problem.
Um, although could we talk real quick outside?
Yeah. Sure.
I just... I, uh, you know, wanted to talk to you about
how, the other day, we almost, you know...
kissed.
I've been thinking about that, too.
- Really? - Yeah.
That would've been a huge mistake.
Exactly.
Oh. Yeah. That's what I was gonna say, too.
So that's... Yeah.
And I know what my reasons are.
So, just kind of curious what your reasons are.
Well, I mean, you know,
it's just that being a couple does not work for us.
But hating each other
sucks, too.
So,
I was thinking maybe we could
just be friends.
Crazy.
'Cause that... I was just about to friend zone you, too.
Jinx.
Well, it's perfect now.
- Perfect now. - Hmm.
- Friends. - Friends it is.
Jinx again.
- Okay. Mm. - Okay. All right.
Testing, testing. Uno, dos. Uno, dos.
Generalísimo Ignacio Zaragoza.
♪ ¡Generalísimo Ignacio Zaragoza! ♪
Where can we plug this in?
Mom said to find an outlet over there,
but make sure your hands are dry.
That wasn't terrifying at all.
Oh, amazing news!
I just got a text from my Tío Chuey
that mi papá's pilot, Guillermo,
told him that my father is considering
my Mother's Day request.
Tell Guillermo I said hi.
- Yes. - But not Chuey.
Sammy, remember, when the bar opens,
I'm gonna need you to hang out in the office.
Yeah, things are gonna get weird, son.
Wow.
Broke out the old poncho.
You bet I did.
You know,
Cinco de Mayo's a big day for us.
Remember, we-we first hooked up on Cinco de Mayo.
Mostly I remember Seis de Mayo being a day full of regret.
Listen, I know that I amigo zoned you,
but, since it's Cinco, we can make an exception.
Friends but, you know, with benefits?
Nope. Just like my job,
this friendship has no benefits.
Great. You passed the test.
You've seen me at my sexiest, and you've resisted.
Nice job, friend.
Attention, everyone.
I'd like to introduce you to a very special lady.
This is Paula Perez from Uncle Juan's Tequilla.
Whatever she wants, she gets.
'Cause I'm the manager of all of this.
Paula, I'm Jackie.
It's so nice to finally meet you in person.
Derek, why don't you take that big, giant check
and put it upstairs in the office.
I don't have to do what she says.
Because I'm the boss here.
Do you want me to tell your mom you're not listening to me?
I do not.
Sorry.
He's, um...
Anyway, um, thank you for sponsoring us.
And, actually, here's our emcee.
Paula, meet Javier.
Hi, Javier.
- Hi. - Just remember to keep things fun.
Because isn't fun what this holiday is all about?
Eh, actually, it's about an outnumbered Mexican army
defeating a seasoned French army in a battle.
I think we're saying the same thing.
- Anyway, here's your script. - Ah.
Stick to that, and you'll get your bonus.
I assure you, he will say every one of those words.
Yes. I have also prepared some things to add to your words
to give people, uh, an authentic taste of Mexico.
Okay. But at Uncle Juan's, we usually stay away from words
like "authentic" and "taste."
You also stay away from correct spelling.
Uh, there is only one "L" in "tequila."
Well, Uncle Juan's isn't technically tequila.
I won't bore you with the details,
but it's not made in Mexico,
and it's not made with agave.
Remember, this is for Sammy.
Show the people at Uncle Juan's some respect.
- Yes. - And go hawk that crap.
Welcome to Cinco de Mayo at Mitzi's!
Brought to you by Uncle Juan's Tequilla.
Okay, who's ready to party?!
And get educated about Mexican history?!
Nobody.
Okay.
Well, now here's a song about Benito Juárez
sung to the tune of "Cielito Lindo."
Enjoy.
♪ Benito Juárez ♪
♪ Was the Mexican presidente... ♪
What's with the face?
You didn't drink this stuff, did you?
I just accidentally spilled some,
and it stripped the paint off the floor.
No. Look down there.
Barry is supposed to be working.
He's being totally unprofessional.
Yeah, this bar is all about professionalism.
♪ But the Mexican army was not as easy ♪
♪ To beat as it seemed! ♪
¡Muchas gracias!
¡Viva México!
Now, every time I hit this,
everybody takes a shot of Uncle Juan's Tequilla!
Look at him,
with his stupid poncho and his stupid charm.
Wait,
why do you care?
Did you guys hook up?
No.
But we did almost kiss.
What? Why didn't you tell me?
'Cause you never listen when I talk.
Well, you finally have something interesting to say.
The thing is I don't want to be with him,
but I don't want him to be with anybody else.
Is that nuts?
Not at all.
I told Javi that if I die before him
and he decides to see someone else,
I will come back as a ghost and curse his penis.
I just got a text.
Javier is not invited for Mother's Day.
His father wants him to prove himself worthy
before being invited back to spend time
with the family and Jeff Probst.
Oh, no.
Do you think Javi's father's contacted him yet?
I'm gonna go with yes.
Tragically, one year after the Battle of Puebla,
the French took over Mexico.
Which proves nothing matters and everything is terrible.
Except the taste of Uncle Juan's Tequilla.
What doesn't tequila makes you stronger.
What the hell's going on with your emcee?
People are getting depressed,
and not in a way that makes them drink more.
If you want your bonus, you better fix this.
I'm on it.
We will get back on track. Don't worry.
And I'm sorry if poncho guy is bothering you.
Oh, no, I think he's cute.
Can you believe he's divorced?
Who would give that up?
Okay, what's next?
Ah. The pepper eating contest.
- Who cares? - Stop. Stop.
Hi, everyone. We're gonna take a quick break
while I splash some water on the big guy here.
Luis, can you please take over?
It is...
Not really... my thing, but...
All right, everyone!
Hey! It's time for Uncle Juan's
$1,000 hot pepper eating challenge!
Let's meet our contestants.
Just three white people?
Just start already.
Come on. Surely there's a Mexican here
who wants to compete.
I don't know why they'd dare.
Max Lefleur has never lost a pepper eating challenge.
Lefleur?
You're French?
Well, I don't think you're allowed to ask that,
but oui.
Come on!
A French person can't win on Cinco de Mayo!
When did I start caring about this?
Javi, come on. Pull yourself together.
Why? I have been rejected by my family.
Not your entire family.
Not me, not Luis, not Sammy, not Jackie.
Come on. Don't just feel sorry for yourself and give up.
Is this what Generalisimo Zaragoza did at Puebla?
Are you saying I should challenge my father to a war?
Because we already did that, and look around.
We're not winning.
No. I'm saying take action.
Don't wait for them to do it for you.
Buy a plane ticket and go visit your mother.
My love, we sneak our own hot dogs into the movie theater.
We can't afford a plane ticket.
Well... not yet.
Please, there must be one Mexican willing to compete.
There is!
My name is Javier Frederico Fayad Santiago Flores Gomez!
And tonight, my mouth belongs to Mexico!
Let's do this!
Hey!
"Uncle Juan's Tequilla abides by the rules
of the International Hot Pepper Eating Association."
That cannot be a thing.
"There are four rounds.
"Each pepper gets increasingly hotter.
The full pepper must be consumed."
If you take a drink of milk, you are out.
Might as well drink your milk now, baby.
I only drink my milk warmed up with a little bit of cinnamon.
Our first pepper is
the jalapeño with a Scoville Heat Unit of 5,000.
¡Olé! And go!
He drank the milk! He's out!
Onto pepper number two.
- Things are going pretty well, right? - Yeah.
Except you're supposed to be working, not flirting.
I have not been flirting.
Please. I know all your moves.
Making her laugh and lassoing her.
It was just disgusting.
Oh. You are jealous.
- I am not. - Yes, you are.
J-E... middle letters, S.
Jealous. Thank you.
I'm not jealous!
I'm not jealous, either.
But I think I know how we can split 'em up.
Do it.
And we're down to the final pepper!
Two contestants remain.
One from the land where ancient civilizations
developed complex calendars and architecture,
the other where ancient civilizations
didn't bathe for 300 years.
For the record, I'm French-Canadian.
Shut your maple hole and get ready to lose!
Our last pepper is
the Delaware Death-Stick, created in a laboratory
by a team of disgraced Hungarian scientists.
This little baby has a Scoville rating of...
one million.
Put on your gloves
and call your loved ones, because this one's hot.
"What's not hot is Uncle Juan's extra mild pico de gallo...
"now with real tomatoes and onions.
Look for us on the bottom shelf of your local gas station."
Okay, here we go.
Gentlemen, the first one to go for the milk is out.
Eat... that... pepper.
Javi!
You can do it!
Javier wins!
¡Viva Mexico!
You did it, honey!
- Come here! - Mmm.
I'm on fire!
All right, it's Cinco de Barry!
What is Barry doing?
I got him away from Paula by asking him
to perform a few songs.
You're welcome.
- Can't you see what's gonna happen? - Never.
He's gonna perform, she's gonna see him up onstage
and think he looks super sexy, and it's gonna remind her
of the first time they met on Cinco de Mayo.
- Like, an hour ago? - And then forgetting
all the promises she made to herself,
she's gonna go home with him even though they decided
on the porch that they were only gonna be friends
- for the sake of their child. - And when did they have a baby?!
I've got to stop him from playing.
I'm gonna cut the power to the amp.
All right, you guys know me as the guy
that's been slinging margs all night.
Well, I hope you like 'em on the rocks,
'cause we're about to rock out!
All right, you guys have to step back, though,
'cause I do jump around a lot.
Which one is it? The-the orange or the white or the gray?
I don't know. I'm color-blind!
All right, let's do this!
Ow!
Hey.
Your knees feeling any better?
Yeah. Feels like
the caps are back where they're supposed to be.
Thank you.
I'm sorry you didn't get your bonus.
Yeah. I think not being able to get the power back on
and everyone leaving was sort of a deal breaker.
Yeah.
And me landing on Paula
after my leap probably didn't help, either.
And you were right.
I was totally jealous.
I couldn't stand seeing you flirt with her.
Well, I was only flirting to make you jealous.
You're who I want.
I obviously still have feelings for you, too,
which is why this whole friends idea is not gonna work.
Okay, yeah, so... what are you saying?
Should we give us a try again?
No. That won't work, either.
If we got back together, it would just
end up ugly like it always does.
I don't know. Maybe this time it won't.
If it was just you and me, I might take that chance.
But I can't risk putting Sammy through that.
So where does this leave us?
We're a divorced couple raising a kid.
When he's with me, he's with me.
When he's with you, he's with you, and that's it.
Okay, I give up.
We'll do things your way.
I'm not walking slowly to be dramatic.
I'm just in tremendous pain.
May I freshen that up for you?
No, no. No, thank you, Luis.
I think my lips are functional again.
- Oh. - Oh.
Oh. That hurt worse than getting collagen injections.
Um, or so I'm told.
Wow. It smells great in here.
Oh, Luis has prepared an authentic Mexican meal.
It is nothing much: chicken mole
which has been slow cooking the entire day,
platanos con crema and nopalitos.
I had my heart set on nuking some fish sticks,
but this is good.
That's her way of saying thank you, Luis.
I know. I'm actually quite touched.
I just wanted to reiterate that I've never gotten my lips done.
Mm.
- They're just naturally plump. - Mm.
Speaking of lies...
...I just want to tell you I'm really sorry
that we can't take that trip to San Diego.
Well, actually, you might be
taking that vacation after all. Luis?
Jackie, I have signed this comically large check
over to you, so now you and Sammy can go see the baby rhino.
Thank you so much!
Not that there's any take-backs here,
but weren't you gonna use this to see your family?
Well, I have decided not to go.
Yes, I miss Mexico, but Elizabeth has helped me realize
that I don't need to go away to be surrounded by family.
Are you sure, Javier?
Mom, the tribe has spoken.