1 00:00:07,320 --> 00:00:11,480 (RECORDING OF JUNGLE BIRDSONG) 2 00:00:11,520 --> 00:00:14,400 (WOMAN BREATHES OUT) 3 00:00:14,440 --> 00:00:17,040 (WOMAN CRIES OUT) 4 00:00:17,080 --> 00:00:18,720 (WOMAN GROANS) 5 00:00:18,760 --> 00:00:20,360 MAN: Come on, where is it? 6 00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:23,000 (WOMAN GROANS) 7 00:00:24,480 --> 00:00:27,080 MAN: Oh, shit. Where is it? 8 00:00:27,120 --> 00:00:29,280 - Stuart! - Where's the bag? 9 00:00:29,320 --> 00:00:30,680 Hold my hand, hold my hand. 10 00:00:30,720 --> 00:00:32,120 I think we need to get a move on. 11 00:00:32,160 --> 00:00:34,240 I want to share every beautiful moment together. 12 00:00:34,280 --> 00:00:36,880 - You just told me to set myself on fire. - It's fine. 13 00:00:36,920 --> 00:00:38,920 The doctor said there might be swings. 14 00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:41,280 After me. Breathe in the love. 15 00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:43,520 Breathe out the baby. 16 00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:44,720 Now you. 17 00:00:44,760 --> 00:00:46,720 - Breathe in the... - Love. 18 00:00:46,760 --> 00:00:48,160 - Breathe out the... - Baby. 19 00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:49,600 April, where's the hospital bag? 20 00:00:49,640 --> 00:00:51,120 Oh, take all your clothes off. 21 00:00:51,160 --> 00:00:53,040 - What? - It's the oxytocin. 22 00:00:53,080 --> 00:00:54,720 The doctor said I might get randy. 23 00:00:54,760 --> 00:00:56,200 The doctor also said you might shit yourself. 24 00:00:56,240 --> 00:00:59,080 I want to have this child while we make love. 25 00:00:59,120 --> 00:01:01,120 I think we need to get you to the hospital. 26 00:01:01,160 --> 00:01:02,240 Dad! 27 00:01:02,280 --> 00:01:04,520 (APRIL CHANTS) 28 00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:07,920 - Dad! - I'm entertaining! 29 00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:11,320 - Have you taken a bag out of my room? - Just a moment. 30 00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:13,880 Enter. 31 00:01:15,120 --> 00:01:16,560 Stuart! 32 00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:17,800 This is Igor. 33 00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:19,360 Yep. 34 00:01:19,400 --> 00:01:20,760 Kicked off a bit early, then? 35 00:01:20,800 --> 00:01:24,440 When you were born, your mother was twice as loud. Heard her from the pub. 36 00:01:24,480 --> 00:01:27,240 Can you get out of bed? It's two o'clock. 37 00:01:27,280 --> 00:01:30,480 Didn't get back until nine. Cannot remember beyond lunchtime. 38 00:01:30,520 --> 00:01:32,640 I know we had cocktails in town. 39 00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:34,280 Dad, I need some help. 40 00:01:34,320 --> 00:01:36,880 Then we did poppers in the bog at Café Rouge. 41 00:01:36,920 --> 00:01:38,360 - Dad... - Did we end up in a field? 42 00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:39,680 Have you seen a blue sports bag? 43 00:01:39,720 --> 00:01:41,480 Full of nappies and nighties? Over there. 44 00:01:45,200 --> 00:01:46,600 Where's all the Red Bull? 45 00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:48,080 We ran out of cocaine. 46 00:01:51,120 --> 00:01:53,200 APRIL: Stuart! 47 00:01:53,240 --> 00:01:55,480 (GROANS) 48 00:01:55,520 --> 00:01:57,080 I want Mummy! 49 00:01:57,120 --> 00:01:58,320 OK, so phone her. 50 00:01:58,360 --> 00:02:00,280 God, no! She hates me! 51 00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:03,160 It's just such a festival of men in this house. 52 00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:05,640 Can you ask Kate if she'll come over? 53 00:02:05,680 --> 00:02:07,240 That's probably a bad idea. 54 00:02:07,280 --> 00:02:08,720 It's just all so Mars. 55 00:02:08,760 --> 00:02:11,080 I need some Venus! 56 00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:12,520 Please. 57 00:02:12,560 --> 00:02:14,120 Back in a minute. 58 00:02:14,160 --> 00:02:17,280 - I love you! - Yeah. 59 00:02:17,320 --> 00:02:19,200 (CRIES REVERBERATE) 60 00:02:26,440 --> 00:02:29,120 (DRILL WHIRS) 61 00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:40,400 Stu! 62 00:02:40,440 --> 00:02:41,880 Hi, Barry. 63 00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:43,680 Fancy hopping on for a Campari? 64 00:02:43,720 --> 00:02:44,760 April's in labour. 65 00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:46,640 Oh. Felicitations. 66 00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:48,000 Hm. 67 00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:50,440 Hello, neighbour. 68 00:02:50,480 --> 00:02:53,120 Congrats on the beard. Doesn't look dyed. 69 00:02:53,160 --> 00:02:54,600 Is Kate there? 70 00:02:54,640 --> 00:02:57,640 I'm in the middle of a woodwork sesh. Building a pagoda for my birthday girl. 71 00:02:57,680 --> 00:02:59,920 - She's not yours. - What did you get her? Jeans again? 72 00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:01,040 She's mine. 73 00:03:01,080 --> 00:03:02,400 It's what real dads do, Stuart. 74 00:03:02,440 --> 00:03:04,400 They don't buy disappointing presents 75 00:03:04,440 --> 00:03:06,680 and they don't shit themselves on the ferry to Santander. 76 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:08,520 Can you shut up and get Kate? Please. 77 00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:10,600 KATE: It was supposed to be here an hour ago. What's the hold-up? 78 00:03:10,640 --> 00:03:12,880 What is it, Stuart? I'm trying to sort Madonna's birthday present. 79 00:03:12,920 --> 00:03:13,920 April's gone into labour. 80 00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:16,120 Just make sure it's here before three. 81 00:03:16,160 --> 00:03:17,640 Congratulations. 82 00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:19,560 Shouldn't you be...there? 83 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:21,560 It's a bit bloke heavy. She wondered if you could pop over. 84 00:03:21,600 --> 00:03:22,720 Well, don't be so ridiculous. 85 00:03:22,760 --> 00:03:24,760 Why would she want your ex-wife gawping up her chuff? 86 00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:26,800 Play well with the female voters. 87 00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:28,320 Do you really think I'm that cynical? 88 00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:31,040 Won't be long. 89 00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:32,520 Holler if you need me. 90 00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:34,040 I'll be at the lathe. 91 00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:35,960 What's she supposed to do with a pagoda? 92 00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:38,360 We saw them in Japan. They're actually quite beautiful. 93 00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:40,000 You know you can see his knob through that dressing gown? 94 00:03:40,040 --> 00:03:42,720 - Where's your van? - Getting it pimped up with a respray. 95 00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:45,200 - Don't try to compete with Ted. - Wasn't. 96 00:03:45,240 --> 00:03:46,400 How are you getting to hospital? 97 00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:47,480 Uber. 98 00:03:47,520 --> 00:03:48,920 Hi. 99 00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:50,200 Why are you here? 100 00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:51,240 Happy birthday, sweetheart. 101 00:03:51,280 --> 00:03:52,400 I thought you were getting your hair done. 102 00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:53,600 I did. 103 00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:56,040 Fuck off! I'm trying to win an election. 104 00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:57,440 What? I thought you'd like it. 105 00:03:57,480 --> 00:04:00,240 I'm challenging traditional notions of feminine beauty. 106 00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:02,200 - You look like Patrick Stewart. - Who? 107 00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:04,440 - I like it. - Whatever. 108 00:04:04,480 --> 00:04:07,800 Not that way. Ted's organising a surprise. 109 00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:10,920 Come on. I need your help. April's in labour. 110 00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:13,440 (APRIL YELLS) 111 00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:15,480 I'll stick the kettle on. 112 00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:17,040 Honestly, I really like it. 113 00:04:17,080 --> 00:04:18,360 Piss off, Dad. 114 00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:19,920 KATE: I'm here now, April. 115 00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:21,240 Are you off, then? 116 00:04:24,080 --> 00:04:27,000 Oh, God, it feels like it's coming out of my bum! 117 00:04:27,040 --> 00:04:28,440 Oh, you're doing so well. 118 00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:32,040 Better than I am. How on earth did I get home? 119 00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:33,320 Dad, can you not vape? 120 00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:35,720 Balls. It's a harmless smelly mist. 121 00:04:35,760 --> 00:04:38,760 I'm so glad you chose to join our magical adventure. 122 00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:41,120 It's like having my mum here. 123 00:04:41,160 --> 00:04:43,560 - I'm 40. - Eight. 124 00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:45,440 - How long's this cab going to be? - Haven't ordered it yet. 125 00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:47,320 What do you mean, you haven't ordered it? 126 00:04:47,360 --> 00:04:49,240 Oh, don't make this another Alton Towers! 127 00:04:49,280 --> 00:04:51,680 What happened at Alton Towers? 128 00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:53,600 I lost my gay virginity on the teacups. 129 00:04:53,640 --> 00:04:56,000 What? No. I forgot to order a cab. 130 00:04:56,040 --> 00:04:59,400 I can't find my good place. I can't find my good place! 131 00:04:59,440 --> 00:05:02,280 Gucci business-wear. That's what I think about when I'm depressed. 132 00:05:02,320 --> 00:05:03,440 She's not depressed. 133 00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:05,720 Stuart, go and tell Ted he's taking April to the hospital, 134 00:05:05,760 --> 00:05:07,080 and on your way book the cab. 135 00:05:07,120 --> 00:05:08,880 - We'll follow in that. - I'm not asking Ted for help. 136 00:05:08,920 --> 00:05:10,440 Just do it! 137 00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:12,000 I think one's coming again! 138 00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:13,320 And breathe. 139 00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:15,880 And the reason I forgot to order that cab at Alton Towers 140 00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:18,040 - was cos Dad was getting arrested. - Please hurry up! 141 00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:20,280 - Yep. - (APRIL GROANS) 142 00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:23,800 MADONNA: Dad! Uncle Charlie's here! 143 00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:33,840 Surprise! 144 00:05:33,880 --> 00:05:35,320 Why are you hiding in the bushes? 145 00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:38,240 - Cos it wouldn't be a surprise otherwise. - What's the surprise? 146 00:05:38,280 --> 00:05:40,160 - Me. - In the bushes? 147 00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:41,600 - I thought you were on the Isle of Man. - I was. 148 00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:43,760 - Now I'm here. - Just in time for my birthday. 149 00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:44,800 And that's why I was hiding in the bushes. 150 00:05:44,840 --> 00:05:48,600 So your present for Madonna on her 17th birthday is you? In the bushes? 151 00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:51,720 Well, I'm pleased to see you, Uncle Charlie. 152 00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:53,480 Oh! See? 153 00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:54,960 Ross Kemp don't mind. 154 00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:57,360 (AS ROSS KEMP) Stick the kettle on. 155 00:05:57,400 --> 00:05:59,080 APRIL: Hurry up! 156 00:05:59,120 --> 00:06:00,880 - Something's tearing! - Now's not a good time, Charlie. 157 00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:02,680 April's in labour. 158 00:06:02,720 --> 00:06:04,400 Who's April? 159 00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:14,520 - Girl or boy? - Still waiting! 160 00:06:14,560 --> 00:06:18,080 If you're looking for Ted, he's round the back, mucking about with his funny shed. 161 00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:19,200 It's a pagoda. 162 00:06:19,240 --> 00:06:21,360 Ooh. Konnichiwa. 163 00:06:25,280 --> 00:06:26,840 TED: Oh... Help me... 164 00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:29,200 What the fuck are you doing?! 165 00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:31,560 I...cut my thumb off! Look! 166 00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:32,760 Oh, Christ. 167 00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:36,600 There was someone in the garden, a man in the bushes. I got distracted. 168 00:06:36,640 --> 00:06:39,200 Caught kimono in saw, took hand with it. 169 00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:40,840 Where's the thumb? 170 00:06:40,880 --> 00:06:42,000 Where did you last see it? 171 00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:43,800 On my fucking hand, you moron! 172 00:06:43,840 --> 00:06:45,760 - Where did it land? - I don't know! 173 00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:47,640 I was too busy having my thumb cut off! 174 00:06:47,680 --> 00:06:48,920 Call an ambulance! 175 00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:50,240 Yeah. 176 00:06:50,280 --> 00:06:53,200 Oh, dear me, Ted! Put some clothes on. I can see your aubergine. 177 00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:54,400 STUART: Ambulance, please. 178 00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:55,480 He's cut his thumb off. 179 00:06:55,520 --> 00:06:57,000 Find it. Find the thumb. 180 00:06:57,040 --> 00:06:59,320 My neighbour's cut his thumb off on a... 181 00:06:59,360 --> 00:07:03,360 DeWalt DCS391 XR. 182 00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:04,880 Oh, nice bit of kit. 183 00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:06,080 Not the fucking make! 184 00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:08,360 6 Fountain Close, SN5. 185 00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:10,680 - Found it!.Going to need a rinse. - OK, thanks. 186 00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:13,000 We have to raise the arm and pack the thumb in ice, apparently. 187 00:07:13,040 --> 00:07:14,160 Leave it to me. 188 00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:15,320 I love a drama! 189 00:07:15,360 --> 00:07:17,480 (TED WHIMPERS) 190 00:07:19,920 --> 00:07:21,840 (TED GROANS) 191 00:07:25,720 --> 00:07:27,600 Oh, it's cold. Oh... 192 00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:31,560 (TED BREATHES QUICKLY) 193 00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:33,240 BARRY: Snazzy kitchen! 194 00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:53,840 I realise you're not having the best day, 195 00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:55,800 but I really need to borrow your car. 196 00:07:55,840 --> 00:07:57,600 We need to get April to the hospital. 197 00:07:57,640 --> 00:08:00,200 There's no way your girlfriend's leaking all over the Lambo! 198 00:08:00,240 --> 00:08:02,320 That interior is hand-rubbed leather. 199 00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:05,080 Can you do me a favour? Today of all days, 200 00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:07,120 can you just dial back on the dick a bit? 201 00:08:07,160 --> 00:08:08,680 Dick? I'm not the dick. 202 00:08:08,720 --> 00:08:11,000 You're the dick. You're a wedding DJ. 203 00:08:11,040 --> 00:08:13,240 Audiovisual events coordinator. 204 00:08:13,280 --> 00:08:14,600 Yeah, for weddings. 205 00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:16,280 I'm dicing with disability here! 206 00:08:16,320 --> 00:08:19,800 I haven't got time to worry about the latest addition to your weird family! 207 00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:22,120 - What do you mean, weird? - Well... 208 00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:24,680 You're out of ice, so I improvised! With some waffles. 209 00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:27,520 - MADONNA: Dad! Mum wants you! - We're out here! 210 00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:30,320 What is going on? 211 00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:31,360 It's Yul Brynner! 212 00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:33,760 I literally don't know who any of these people are. 213 00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:35,840 - Where's your hair?! - BARRY: Now, don't panic, love. 214 00:08:35,880 --> 00:08:37,640 Your dad's had a bit of an accident, but it's all under control. 215 00:08:37,680 --> 00:08:39,240 I'm her dad. 216 00:08:39,280 --> 00:08:40,240 What is that? 217 00:08:40,280 --> 00:08:43,080 No. No, no, don't look. You'll spoil the surprise! 218 00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:44,520 I thought I was getting a car! 219 00:08:44,560 --> 00:08:47,320 Come on. I'll have to take April in the Uber. 220 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:48,640 Ted, stay with me. 221 00:08:48,680 --> 00:08:50,240 How many fingers am I holding up? 222 00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:52,880 Are you taking the piss? 223 00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:56,680 - Do you think I'm weird? - Yes. 224 00:08:56,720 --> 00:08:59,200 OK. Good. Honest. 225 00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:00,640 I mean, who is she, anyway? 226 00:09:00,680 --> 00:09:02,400 - Who? - Your girlfriend. 227 00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:03,880 She's my girlfriend. 228 00:09:03,920 --> 00:09:05,760 Mum says you're having a midlife crisis. 229 00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:07,360 I'm not the one with a yellow Lamborghini. 230 00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:10,560 No, you're the one dyeing your beard and dating someone 20 years younger. 231 00:09:10,600 --> 00:09:12,200 She's old enough to be your... 232 00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:13,800 ...significantly older sister. 233 00:09:15,280 --> 00:09:18,160 APRIL: Where have you been?! 234 00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:20,280 I wanted this to be perfect! 235 00:09:20,320 --> 00:09:24,120 But at this rate, our child's going to be delivered by your ex-wife! 236 00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:26,400 On these stairs! 237 00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:28,920 - Thanks! - It's not my fault. 238 00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:31,280 - Have you got the car? - Ted won't let me use it. 239 00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:34,040 Oh, for Christ's sake! What have you said to him this time? 240 00:09:34,080 --> 00:09:36,480 To begin with, "Why are you lying naked on the patio, covered in blood?" 241 00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:38,240 What are you talking about? 242 00:09:38,280 --> 00:09:40,320 - He's cut his thumb off. - What?! 243 00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:41,720 No, please don't leave me! 244 00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:45,120 Not off. 245 00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:46,480 He's just cut it. 246 00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:47,840 Not off? 247 00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:51,520 Stuart, has he cut his thumb off? 248 00:09:52,920 --> 00:09:54,280 No. 249 00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:56,360 (APRIL YELLS) 250 00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:02,160 We could all squeeze in the Uber. 251 00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:04,320 It'll be here in a few minutes. 252 00:10:04,360 --> 00:10:06,560 Right, time for a quick poo. 253 00:10:08,080 --> 00:10:09,440 Here we go. 254 00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:11,600 (LAUGHTER) 255 00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:16,320 Charlie's here! 256 00:10:16,360 --> 00:10:17,560 Is that weed? 257 00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:19,120 - No! - Yes! 258 00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:21,240 (LAUGHTER) 259 00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:42,520 (GAME PLAYS TUNE) 260 00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:45,160 (SIGHS) 261 00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:47,760 - (KNOCK ON FRONT DOOR) - BARRY: I've got a wounded soldier here. 262 00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:52,040 KATE: Oh, Christ. Stuart! It's off. It's totally off! 263 00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:53,320 Sorry. 264 00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:55,320 - TED: Kate, is that you? - (APRIL GROANS) 265 00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:56,680 KATE: Oh, Ted... 266 00:10:56,720 --> 00:10:59,560 BARRY: Ambulance can't get here. There's a herd of cows blocking the road. 267 00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:01,560 I'll stick the thumb in the freezer. 268 00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:03,800 KATE: Madonna, go and find something for Ted to wear. 269 00:11:03,840 --> 00:11:06,440 BARRY: Everybody, just chill. It's only a bit of thumb trauma. 270 00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:08,440 They can work wonders with a needle and thread. 271 00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:12,440 Chin up, fella. We'll jump in a cab with these dudes. 272 00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:17,200 (APRIL CRIES OUT AND WAILS) 273 00:11:17,240 --> 00:11:19,640 - (KNOCK ON DOOR) - Jesus.... 274 00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:21,560 - Someone in here! - (KNOCK ON DOOR) 275 00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:24,120 - I'm busy! - CHARLIE: Open up. I need a word. 276 00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:34,520 You all right? 277 00:11:35,840 --> 00:11:37,680 Been shitting in the sink? 278 00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:39,840 It's beard dye. Why are you here, Charlie? 279 00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:41,840 Nothing to worry about. 280 00:11:41,880 --> 00:11:45,840 I think...the police might be after me. 281 00:11:45,880 --> 00:11:49,080 But they're on the Isle of Man, I'm over here, so what are they gonna do? 282 00:11:49,120 --> 00:11:50,400 What have you done? 283 00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:55,800 Have you ever heard of something called a Ponzi scheme? 284 00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:57,360 - Yeah. - I've done a Ponzi scheme. 285 00:11:57,400 --> 00:11:59,040 Fuck. You're gonna end up back in prison. 286 00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:01,120 Well, it weren't my fault the arse fell out of the Dow Jones. 287 00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:02,160 - You're an idiot. - Am I? 288 00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:03,840 Yeah. And this is the first place 289 00:12:03,880 --> 00:12:05,880 - the police are gonna look for you. - Oh, don't worry about that. 290 00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:07,040 I kept off the roads. 291 00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:08,760 I garden-hopped my way around the close. 292 00:12:08,800 --> 00:12:10,040 Were you just in Ted's garden? 293 00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:11,240 Yes. What's he building? 294 00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:12,760 A pagoda. 295 00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:14,800 You can't stay here, Charlie. I've got enough on my plate. 296 00:12:14,840 --> 00:12:17,840 Oh, well, if I'm going down, you're going down with me. 297 00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:19,720 What's that supposed to mean? 298 00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:21,880 You're a wedding DJ. 299 00:12:21,920 --> 00:12:24,080 How do you think you got the mortgage on this place? 300 00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:25,880 I didn't. You did. 301 00:12:25,920 --> 00:12:27,440 Did I? 302 00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:28,760 Didn't you? 303 00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:31,440 (KNOCK ON DOOR) 304 00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:33,840 DAD: Shitting or chatting? 305 00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:38,120 Isn't this great?! 306 00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:41,120 The Three Musketeers - crossing swords again! 307 00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:42,880 We must tell your mother. 308 00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:46,120 Mind you, she hasn't spoken to me since I started dabbling in coke. 309 00:12:46,160 --> 00:12:47,760 KATE: Cab's here! 310 00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:51,280 - You'd better go. - KATE: Stuart! Get a move on! 311 00:12:51,320 --> 00:12:52,920 Yeah. 312 00:12:55,480 --> 00:12:57,720 That's it, deep breaths. 313 00:12:57,760 --> 00:13:01,400 You're a strong, powerful, independent woman, just like me. 314 00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:03,400 Yeah, and I'm young and I'm happy. 315 00:13:03,440 --> 00:13:05,160 Oh, thank you, Kate. 316 00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:08,520 When this is done, I'm going to give you such a makeover. 317 00:13:08,560 --> 00:13:10,920 - Breathe in the pain. - You breathe into the fucking pain! 318 00:13:12,560 --> 00:13:16,080 Come on, sunshine! Let's get that digit attached, tout suite. 319 00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:18,400 Do you know, I feel fantastic! 320 00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:21,040 Dad! Why did you order an UberPool? 321 00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:23,360 - A what? - There's two people already in there. 322 00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:24,840 Look after April. 323 00:13:24,880 --> 00:13:26,760 I love what you've done with your head. 324 00:13:26,800 --> 00:13:28,360 Look, here's the deal. 325 00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:31,240 I've got Ted here, who is a thumb down, and a young lady about to pop a sprog. 326 00:13:31,280 --> 00:13:33,400 You're going to have to give me some wiggle room here, dudes. 327 00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:36,160 - What's going on? - There's only two spaces left. 328 00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:39,160 We're late. All the roads are closed cos of the bloody cattle incident. 329 00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:41,480 Please get out of the fucking cab. 330 00:13:41,520 --> 00:13:45,080 Hello, gentlemen. As you can see, we've got a rather pressing situation here. 331 00:13:45,120 --> 00:13:47,640 And while we appreciate your need to get to your destination, 332 00:13:47,680 --> 00:13:51,760 could you possibly see your way to letting us hijack your vehicle? 333 00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:53,560 Let's go. 334 00:13:56,520 --> 00:13:58,640 Ted! Oh! 335 00:13:58,680 --> 00:14:00,800 Sod it, I'm taking his car. Where are the keys? 336 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:03,240 There aren't any keys. It's one of those fingerprint things. 337 00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:05,520 - Oh, course it is. - (APRIL GROANS) 338 00:14:05,560 --> 00:14:08,600 - You can't move him. - Yes, I can! (STRAINS) 339 00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:10,440 Oh, please, just do something! 340 00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:14,480 - Load him on the lounger. - Brilliant. 341 00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:15,720 Careful, careful! 342 00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:21,120 KATE: Oh, Ted! 343 00:14:23,640 --> 00:14:24,840 (BOTH GROAN) 344 00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:28,560 So, thought of any names, Stu? 345 00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:29,640 Not really. 346 00:14:29,680 --> 00:14:32,200 My mum and dad thought I was going to be a girl. 347 00:14:32,240 --> 00:14:34,800 They were going to call me Carol, or Linda. 348 00:14:34,840 --> 00:14:36,320 I quite like Sue. 349 00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:38,360 Right. 350 00:14:42,240 --> 00:14:44,400 Oh, God. (SIGHS) 351 00:14:45,840 --> 00:14:47,800 Come on. 352 00:14:47,840 --> 00:14:49,680 Oh, please, please, please. 353 00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:50,920 Oh, shit! 354 00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:52,240 Try the other hand, dude. 355 00:15:02,160 --> 00:15:03,880 Oh, fuck! 356 00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:05,800 - Oh, you don't think...? - Course I do. 357 00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:07,040 Better fetch the waffles. 358 00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:08,920 - They're in your freezer. - It'll be frozen solid. 359 00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:11,480 - Bung it in the microwave. - It's not a lamb bhuna! 360 00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:13,120 - It'll be fine. - Oh! 361 00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:18,560 - Back in a minute! - Stuart! 362 00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:19,840 Breathe out the baby! 363 00:15:19,880 --> 00:15:22,280 (LAUGHTER) 364 00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:25,920 Have you seen this?! There's a lot of cows hanging about on the A232. 365 00:15:28,160 --> 00:15:30,240 Stu, do us a sandwich! 366 00:15:32,040 --> 00:15:33,920 - (MOOING ON TV) - Can't believe it. 367 00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:35,440 My own brother blackmailing me! 368 00:15:35,480 --> 00:15:37,040 Oh, don't get your knickers in a twist. 369 00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:40,160 I'll be out of your hair as soon as I've managed to find an Airbnb in La Paz. 370 00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:42,000 A week, tops. 371 00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:43,440 - Three weeks, max! - What are you doing now? 372 00:15:43,480 --> 00:15:46,200 - Nothing. - Yay, best birthday ever! 373 00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:49,000 Bob's your uncle. Classic gin sling. 374 00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:52,360 (GROANS) 375 00:15:54,480 --> 00:15:56,240 (GASPS) 376 00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:57,800 Oh, shit, it's not working! 377 00:15:57,840 --> 00:16:00,040 I told you, it's frozen solid! Shit! 378 00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:01,400 Don't panic. Suck it. 379 00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:03,360 - What? - Suck his thumb. 380 00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:06,520 - No fucking way. You suck it. - Not on your nelly! 381 00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:08,000 Go on, give it a quick suck. 382 00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:14,200 Oh... 383 00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:16,320 Oh, Gordon Bennett, he's only gone and done it! 384 00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:19,320 Stop sucking my thumb, DJ! 385 00:16:19,360 --> 00:16:20,920 Fine. Just get here as fast as you can. 386 00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:23,480 Stuart, there's a car two minutes away. 387 00:16:23,520 --> 00:16:24,440 What car? 388 00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:26,920 Ted and I got Madonna a car for her birthday. 389 00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:28,120 What, so you did get her a car? 390 00:16:28,160 --> 00:16:29,880 It's a Citroën C3. 391 00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:31,160 Oh, snazz! 392 00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:33,160 It was supposed to arrive this morning when she was getting her hair done. 393 00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:35,480 Great. Thanks very much. 394 00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:38,840 What's your problem? It's going to get your girlfriend to hospital. 395 00:16:38,880 --> 00:16:41,240 Oh, how does that make me look? 396 00:16:41,280 --> 00:16:43,440 - Like a wedding DJ. - Yes, all right, Ted. 397 00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:45,560 - (BRAKES SCREECH) - Shit! 398 00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:47,600 - Oh, shit. - BARRY: What? 399 00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:49,000 Charlie! 400 00:16:49,040 --> 00:16:50,880 APRIL: Take me to hospital! 401 00:16:50,920 --> 00:16:53,280 - This is no longer beautiful! - With you in a minute! 402 00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:55,320 He's not here. I haven't seen him in weeks. 403 00:16:55,360 --> 00:16:56,360 And even if I had seen him, 404 00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:58,320 which I haven't, I'd have been straight on the phone to you guys. 405 00:16:58,360 --> 00:17:00,520 - He's there. - What? 406 00:17:00,560 --> 00:17:02,760 Sorry, all. Nodded off on the bog. 407 00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:04,880 William Hooper, I'm arresting you for criminal damage. 408 00:17:04,920 --> 00:17:05,920 Oh, God. 409 00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:07,880 We have CCTV footage that clearly shows you 410 00:17:07,920 --> 00:17:11,480 releasing several dozen cows from a local farm, causing major traffic disruption. 411 00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:14,240 Well, I'll have to watch it back, but it does sound like me. 412 00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:15,560 What's happening, dude? 413 00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:17,400 Dad got pissed and broke into a farm. 414 00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:20,240 Yep. Not interested. There's a problem with Madonna's car. 415 00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:24,520 Unfortunately, my husband's had a rather nasty accident with a power saw. 416 00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:26,000 Do you have room to take him to hospital? 417 00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:28,360 BARRY: Thumb's in here. Flanked by a pair of waffles. 418 00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:30,080 I'd recommend haste. It's on the thaw. 419 00:17:30,120 --> 00:17:31,160 Right. Stick him in. 420 00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:33,760 Who'll finish the pagoda? 421 00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:35,640 - Don't bother! - Can you take my girlfriend? 422 00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:37,800 - Why? - I'm having a baby. 423 00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:41,240 We'll be right behind you, darling. 424 00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:43,360 I love you, Kate Fundy. 425 00:17:44,640 --> 00:17:48,320 I love you, April Long-Carrington. 426 00:17:48,360 --> 00:17:50,760 This is the best day of my life! 427 00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:52,080 Yep. 428 00:17:54,560 --> 00:17:57,520 (SIREN BLARES) 429 00:18:02,080 --> 00:18:03,360 Right. 430 00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:05,120 Better get lunch on the go. 431 00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:06,680 I was going to have waffles. 432 00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:08,240 Thanks, Barry. 433 00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:09,760 No, I had fun. 434 00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:11,800 Keeps the depression at bay. 435 00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:14,440 (HORN BEEPS) 436 00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:22,120 Sorry about the car. Ploughed into a cow. 437 00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:24,240 Insurance will cover it. 438 00:18:24,280 --> 00:18:26,320 Happy birthday, Madonna. 439 00:18:27,320 --> 00:18:28,680 I got you some jeans. 440 00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:33,480 You were amazing last night. 441 00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:34,440 Sorry about the noises. 442 00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:36,280 - She's with me now. - I thought you were her dad. 443 00:18:36,320 --> 00:18:37,840 Everything I do goes wrong. 444 00:18:37,880 --> 00:18:39,160 Oh, fuck off! 445 00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:42,800 She think I'm no fun. My IBS is out of control. 446 00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:44,240 No, no, no, no, no! 447 00:18:44,280 --> 00:18:46,120 I'm starting to get really hot farts. 448 00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:48,400 You truly are a lingering disappointment. 449 00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:49,880 You fucking idiot! 450 00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:52,080 - You're absolutely useless! - Wanker. 451 00:18:52,120 --> 00:18:54,200 - Nice one, Pat. - You as well. 452 00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:55,120 Righto. 453 00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:57,000 - What's all this, then? - Hey. 454 00:18:57,040 --> 00:18:59,240 Healthy body, healthy balls. 455 00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:03,680 We are in what is commonly known as a polyamorous relationship. 456 00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:06,200 - Dear God. - Or, as I like to call it, a throuple. 457 00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:07,800 Disgusting pervert. 458 00:19:07,840 --> 00:19:10,640 We're just a regular family who enjoy each other's company. 459 00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:12,160 I'm not afraid to give you a spanking! 460 00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:13,520 Yeah, I'd like to see you try! 461 00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:15,440 I want my money! 462 00:19:15,480 --> 00:19:16,600 Surprise! 463 00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:18,280 What the fuck are you doing here? 464 00:19:18,320 --> 00:19:20,480 - Dad, do something! - There's no need to search it! 465 00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:22,560 - Come on! - (YELLS) 466 00:19:22,600 --> 00:19:24,400 - Agh! - Bollocks! 467 00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:25,560 (YELLS) 468 00:19:26,560 --> 00:19:28,600 There's loads of pictures of your penis in my car? 469 00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:31,320 And, I'm afraid, anus. 470 00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:34,680 This might be the lowest point of my life. 471 00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:36,840 About average for me.