(RECORDING OF JUNGLE BIRDSONG)
(WOMAN BREATHES OUT)
(WOMAN CRIES OUT)
(WOMAN GROANS)
MAN: Come on, where is it?
(WOMAN GROANS)
MAN: Oh, shit. Where is it?
- Stuart! - Where's the bag?
Hold my hand, hold my hand.
I think we need to get a move on.
I want to share every beautiful moment together.
- You just told me to set myself on fire. - It's fine.
The doctor said there might be swings.
After me. Breathe in the love.
Breathe out the baby.
Now you.
- Breathe in the... - Love.
- Breathe out the... - Baby.
April, where's the hospital bag?
Oh, take all your clothes off.
- What? - It's the oxytocin.
The doctor said I might get randy.
The doctor also said you might shit yourself.
I want to have this child while we make love.
I think we need to get you to the hospital.
Dad!
(APRIL CHANTS)
- Dad! - I'm entertaining!
- Have you taken a bag out of my room? - Just a moment.
Enter.
Stuart!
This is Igor.
Yep.
Kicked off a bit early, then?
When you were born, your mother was twice as loud. Heard her from the pub.
Can you get out of bed? It's two o'clock.
Didn't get back until nine. Cannot remember beyond lunchtime.
I know we had cocktails in town.
Dad, I need some help.
Then we did poppers in the bog at Café Rouge.
- Dad... - Did we end up in a field?
Have you seen a blue sports bag?
Full of nappies and nighties? Over there.
Where's all the Red Bull?
We ran out of cocaine.
APRIL: Stuart!
(GROANS)
I want Mummy!
OK, so phone her.
God, no! She hates me!
It's just such a festival of men in this house.
Can you ask Kate if she'll come over?
That's probably a bad idea.
It's just all so Mars.
I need some Venus!
Please.
Back in a minute.
- I love you! - Yeah.
(CRIES REVERBERATE)
(DRILL WHIRS)
Stu!
Hi, Barry.
Fancy hopping on for a Campari?
April's in labour.
Oh. Felicitations.
Hm.
Hello, neighbour.
Congrats on the beard. Doesn't look dyed.
Is Kate there?
I'm in the middle of a woodwork sesh. Building a pagoda for my birthday girl.
- She's not yours. - What did you get her? Jeans again?
She's mine.
It's what real dads do, Stuart.
They don't buy disappointing presents
and they don't shit themselves on the ferry to Santander.
Can you shut up and get Kate? Please.
KATE: It was supposed to be here an hour ago. What's the hold-up?
What is it, Stuart? I'm trying to sort Madonna's birthday present.
April's gone into labour.
Just make sure it's here before three.
Congratulations.
Shouldn't you be...there?
It's a bit bloke heavy. She wondered if you could pop over.
Well, don't be so ridiculous.
Why would she want your ex-wife gawping up her chuff?
Play well with the female voters.
Do you really think I'm that cynical?
Won't be long.
Holler if you need me.
I'll be at the lathe.
What's she supposed to do with a pagoda?
We saw them in Japan. They're actually quite beautiful.
You know you can see his knob through that dressing gown?
- Where's your van? - Getting it pimped up with a respray.
- Don't try to compete with Ted. - Wasn't.
How are you getting to hospital?
Uber.
Hi.
Why are you here?
Happy birthday, sweetheart.
I thought you were getting your hair done.
I did.
Fuck off! I'm trying to win an election.
What? I thought you'd like it.
I'm challenging traditional notions of feminine beauty.
- You look like Patrick Stewart. - Who?
- I like it. - Whatever.
Not that way. Ted's organising a surprise.
Come on. I need your help. April's in labour.
(APRIL YELLS)
I'll stick the kettle on.
Honestly, I really like it.
Piss off, Dad.
KATE: I'm here now, April.
Are you off, then?
Oh, God, it feels like it's coming out of my bum!
Oh, you're doing so well.
Better than I am. How on earth did I get home?
Dad, can you not vape?
Balls. It's a harmless smelly mist.
I'm so glad you chose to join our magical adventure.
It's like having my mum here.
- I'm 40. - Eight.
- How long's this cab going to be? - Haven't ordered it yet.
What do you mean, you haven't ordered it?
Oh, don't make this another Alton Towers!
What happened at Alton Towers?
I lost my gay virginity on the teacups.
What? No. I forgot to order a cab.
I can't find my good place. I can't find my good place!
Gucci business-wear. That's what I think about when I'm depressed.
She's not depressed.
Stuart, go and tell Ted he's taking April to the hospital,
and on your way book the cab.
- We'll follow in that. - I'm not asking Ted for help.
Just do it!
I think one's coming again!
And breathe.
And the reason I forgot to order that cab at Alton Towers
- was cos Dad was getting arrested. - Please hurry up!
- Yep. - (APRIL GROANS)
MADONNA: Dad! Uncle Charlie's here!
Surprise!
Why are you hiding in the bushes?
- Cos it wouldn't be a surprise otherwise. - What's the surprise?
- Me. - In the bushes?
- I thought you were on the Isle of Man. - I was.
- Now I'm here. - Just in time for my birthday.
And that's why I was hiding in the bushes.
So your present for Madonna on her 17th birthday is you? In the bushes?
Well, I'm pleased to see you, Uncle Charlie.
Oh! See?
Ross Kemp don't mind.
(AS ROSS KEMP) Stick the kettle on.
APRIL: Hurry up!
- Something's tearing! - Now's not a good time, Charlie.
April's in labour.
Who's April?
- Girl or boy? - Still waiting!
If you're looking for Ted, he's round the back, mucking about with his funny shed.
It's a pagoda.
Ooh. Konnichiwa.
TED: Oh... Help me...
What the fuck are you doing?!
I...cut my thumb off! Look!
Oh, Christ.
There was someone in the garden, a man in the bushes. I got distracted.
Caught kimono in saw, took hand with it.
Where's the thumb?
Where did you last see it?
On my fucking hand, you moron!
- Where did it land? - I don't know!
I was too busy having my thumb cut off!
Call an ambulance!
Yeah.
Oh, dear me, Ted! Put some clothes on. I can see your aubergine.
STUART: Ambulance, please.
He's cut his thumb off.
Find it. Find the thumb.
My neighbour's cut his thumb off on a...
DeWalt DCS391 XR.
Oh, nice bit of kit.
Not the fucking make!
6 Fountain Close, SN5.
- Found it!.Going to need a rinse. - OK, thanks.
We have to raise the arm and pack the thumb in ice, apparently.
Leave it to me.
I love a drama!
(TED WHIMPERS)
(TED GROANS)
Oh, it's cold. Oh...
(TED BREATHES QUICKLY)
BARRY: Snazzy kitchen!
I realise you're not having the best day,
but I really need to borrow your car.
We need to get April to the hospital.
There's no way your girlfriend's leaking all over the Lambo!
That interior is hand-rubbed leather.
Can you do me a favour? Today of all days,
can you just dial back on the dick a bit?
Dick? I'm not the dick.
You're the dick. You're a wedding DJ.
Audiovisual events coordinator.
Yeah, for weddings.
I'm dicing with disability here!
I haven't got time to worry about the latest addition to your weird family!
- What do you mean, weird? - Well...
You're out of ice, so I improvised! With some waffles.
- MADONNA: Dad! Mum wants you! - We're out here!
What is going on?
It's Yul Brynner!
I literally don't know who any of these people are.
- Where's your hair?! - BARRY: Now, don't panic, love.
Your dad's had a bit of an accident, but it's all under control.
I'm her dad.
What is that?
No. No, no, don't look. You'll spoil the surprise!
I thought I was getting a car!
Come on. I'll have to take April in the Uber.
Ted, stay with me.
How many fingers am I holding up?
Are you taking the piss?
- Do you think I'm weird? - Yes.
OK. Good. Honest.
I mean, who is she, anyway?
- Who? - Your girlfriend.
She's my girlfriend.
Mum says you're having a midlife crisis.
I'm not the one with a yellow Lamborghini.
No, you're the one dyeing your beard and dating someone 20 years younger.
She's old enough to be your...
...significantly older sister.
APRIL: Where have you been?!
I wanted this to be perfect!
But at this rate, our child's going to be delivered by your ex-wife!
On these stairs!
- Thanks! - It's not my fault.
- Have you got the car? - Ted won't let me use it.
Oh, for Christ's sake! What have you said to him this time?
To begin with, "Why are you lying naked on the patio, covered in blood?"
What are you talking about?
- He's cut his thumb off. - What?!
No, please don't leave me!
Not off.
He's just cut it.
Not off?
Stuart, has he cut his thumb off?
No.
(APRIL YELLS)
We could all squeeze in the Uber.
It'll be here in a few minutes.
Right, time for a quick poo.
Here we go.
(LAUGHTER)
Charlie's here!
Is that weed?
- No! - Yes!
(LAUGHTER)
(GAME PLAYS TUNE)
(SIGHS)
- (KNOCK ON FRONT DOOR) - BARRY: I've got a wounded soldier here.
KATE: Oh, Christ. Stuart! It's off. It's totally off!
Sorry.
- TED: Kate, is that you? - (APRIL GROANS)
KATE: Oh, Ted...
BARRY: Ambulance can't get here. There's a herd of cows blocking the road.
I'll stick the thumb in the freezer.
KATE: Madonna, go and find something for Ted to wear.
BARRY: Everybody, just chill. It's only a bit of thumb trauma.
They can work wonders with a needle and thread.
Chin up, fella. We'll jump in a cab with these dudes.
(APRIL CRIES OUT AND WAILS)
- (KNOCK ON DOOR) - Jesus....
- Someone in here! - (KNOCK ON DOOR)
- I'm busy! - CHARLIE: Open up. I need a word.
You all right?
Been shitting in the sink?
It's beard dye. Why are you here, Charlie?
Nothing to worry about.
I think...the police might be after me.
But they're on the Isle of Man, I'm over here, so what are they gonna do?
What have you done?
Have you ever heard of something called a Ponzi scheme?
- Yeah. - I've done a Ponzi scheme.
Fuck. You're gonna end up back in prison.
Well, it weren't my fault the arse fell out of the Dow Jones.
- You're an idiot. - Am I?
Yeah. And this is the first place
- the police are gonna look for you. - Oh, don't worry about that.
I kept off the roads.
I garden-hopped my way around the close.
Were you just in Ted's garden?
Yes. What's he building?
A pagoda.
You can't stay here, Charlie. I've got enough on my plate.
Oh, well, if I'm going down, you're going down with me.
What's that supposed to mean?
You're a wedding DJ.
How do you think you got the mortgage on this place?
I didn't. You did.
Did I?
Didn't you?
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
DAD: Shitting or chatting?
Isn't this great?!
The Three Musketeers - crossing swords again!
We must tell your mother.
Mind you, she hasn't spoken to me since I started dabbling in coke.
KATE: Cab's here!
- You'd better go. - KATE: Stuart! Get a move on!
Yeah.
That's it, deep breaths.
You're a strong, powerful, independent woman, just like me.
Yeah, and I'm young and I'm happy.
Oh, thank you, Kate.
When this is done, I'm going to give you such a makeover.
- Breathe in the pain. - You breathe into the fucking pain!
Come on, sunshine! Let's get that digit attached, tout suite.
Do you know, I feel fantastic!
Dad! Why did you order an UberPool?
- A what? - There's two people already in there.
Look after April.
I love what you've done with your head.
Look, here's the deal.
I've got Ted here, who is a thumb down, and a young lady about to pop a sprog.
You're going to have to give me some wiggle room here, dudes.
- What's going on? - There's only two spaces left.
We're late. All the roads are closed cos of the bloody cattle incident.
Please get out of the fucking cab.
Hello, gentlemen. As you can see, we've got a rather pressing situation here.
And while we appreciate your need to get to your destination,
could you possibly see your way to letting us hijack your vehicle?
Let's go.
Ted! Oh!
Sod it, I'm taking his car. Where are the keys?
There aren't any keys. It's one of those fingerprint things.
- Oh, course it is. - (APRIL GROANS)
- You can't move him. - Yes, I can! (STRAINS)
Oh, please, just do something!
- Load him on the lounger. - Brilliant.
Careful, careful!
KATE: Oh, Ted!
(BOTH GROAN)
So, thought of any names, Stu?
Not really.
My mum and dad thought I was going to be a girl.
They were going to call me Carol, or Linda.
I quite like Sue.
Right.
Oh, God. (SIGHS)
Come on.
Oh, please, please, please.
Oh, shit!
Try the other hand, dude.
Oh, fuck!
- Oh, you don't think...? - Course I do.
Better fetch the waffles.
- They're in your freezer. - It'll be frozen solid.
- Bung it in the microwave. - It's not a lamb bhuna!
- It'll be fine. - Oh!
- Back in a minute! - Stuart!
Breathe out the baby!
(LAUGHTER)
Have you seen this?! There's a lot of cows hanging about on the A232.
Stu, do us a sandwich!
- (MOOING ON TV) - Can't believe it.
My own brother blackmailing me!
Oh, don't get your knickers in a twist.
I'll be out of your hair as soon as I've managed to find an Airbnb in La Paz.
A week, tops.
- Three weeks, max! - What are you doing now?
- Nothing. - Yay, best birthday ever!
Bob's your uncle. Classic gin sling.
(GROANS)
(GASPS)
Oh, shit, it's not working!
I told you, it's frozen solid! Shit!
Don't panic. Suck it.
- What? - Suck his thumb.
- No fucking way. You suck it. - Not on your nelly!
Go on, give it a quick suck.
Oh...
Oh, Gordon Bennett, he's only gone and done it!
Stop sucking my thumb, DJ!
Fine. Just get here as fast as you can.
Stuart, there's a car two minutes away.
What car?
Ted and I got Madonna a car for her birthday.
What, so you did get her a car?
It's a Citroën C3.
Oh, snazz!
It was supposed to arrive this morning when she was getting her hair done.
Great. Thanks very much.
What's your problem? It's going to get your girlfriend to hospital.
Oh, how does that make me look?
- Like a wedding DJ. - Yes, all right, Ted.
- (BRAKES SCREECH) - Shit!
- Oh, shit. - BARRY: What?
Charlie!
APRIL: Take me to hospital!
- This is no longer beautiful! - With you in a minute!
He's not here. I haven't seen him in weeks.
And even if I had seen him,
which I haven't, I'd have been straight on the phone to you guys.
- He's there. - What?
Sorry, all. Nodded off on the bog.
William Hooper, I'm arresting you for criminal damage.
Oh, God.
We have CCTV footage that clearly shows you
releasing several dozen cows from a local farm, causing major traffic disruption.
Well, I'll have to watch it back, but it does sound like me.
What's happening, dude?
Dad got pissed and broke into a farm.
Yep. Not interested. There's a problem with Madonna's car.
Unfortunately, my husband's had a rather nasty accident with a power saw.
Do you have room to take him to hospital?
BARRY: Thumb's in here. Flanked by a pair of waffles.
I'd recommend haste. It's on the thaw.
Right. Stick him in.
Who'll finish the pagoda?
- Don't bother! - Can you take my girlfriend?
- Why? - I'm having a baby.
We'll be right behind you, darling.
I love you, Kate Fundy.
I love you, April Long-Carrington.
This is the best day of my life!
Yep.
(SIREN BLARES)
Right.
Better get lunch on the go.
I was going to have waffles.
Thanks, Barry.
No, I had fun.
Keeps the depression at bay.
(HORN BEEPS)
Sorry about the car. Ploughed into a cow.
Insurance will cover it.
Happy birthday, Madonna.
I got you some jeans.
You were amazing last night.
Sorry about the noises.
- She's with me now. - I thought you were her dad.
Everything I do goes wrong.
Oh, fuck off!
She think I'm no fun. My IBS is out of control.
No, no, no, no, no!
I'm starting to get really hot farts.
You truly are a lingering disappointment.
You fucking idiot!
- You're absolutely useless! - Wanker.
- Nice one, Pat. - You as well.
Righto.
- What's all this, then? - Hey.
Healthy body, healthy balls.
We are in what is commonly known as a polyamorous relationship.
- Dear God. - Or, as I like to call it, a throuple.
Disgusting pervert.
We're just a regular family who enjoy each other's company.
I'm not afraid to give you a spanking!
Yeah, I'd like to see you try!
I want my money!
Surprise!
What the fuck are you doing here?
- Dad, do something! - There's no need to search it!
- Come on! - (YELLS)
- Agh! - Bollocks!
(YELLS)
There's loads of pictures of your penis in my car?
And, I'm afraid, anus.
This might be the lowest point of my life.
About average for me.