[upbeat rock music]
- ♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- ♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪ - ♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
- ♪ Ruff, ruff ♪ - ♪ Meow, meow ♪
- ♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪ - ♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
- ♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff ♪ - ♪ Meow, meow, meow ♪
- ♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪ - ♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
[music crescendos]
♪ ♪
[percussive beat]
- [groans]
Good morning.
[all meow sleepily]
Huh, it's a lot more moany in here than usual.
Bellies seem bigger
and something's definitely
going on with the nipples.
Wait a second.
How long has it been since the big blackout?
[all hissing]
- [meows] - [yowls]
[George Michael's "Careless Whisper"]
[all snoring]
- Oh, no.
- [moans]
- Birthquake!
- Have you seen Linda's new--
[street rumbles] - [gasps]
- Hey--whoa!
Oh, my God! It's happening.
Just like in my dream!
Remember that dream I told you about?
[shouting] The one with the kitties?
[rock jingle]
- So I had a small medical procedure,
but before anyone calls me-- - Conehead!
[laughter]
- Ah, guys, guys, guys.
You know how loud things sound
with the cone. Please.
- What happened? - I had a fatty deposit
on my thigh that exploded.
[all murmur in disgust]
Nothing about an animal body is gross.
- Except for ducks
and their corkscrew pokers.
- Okay, let's move on to something
more interesting to me. You would not believe
how I was treated at Nicole Richie's house
last night!
[electronic music thumping] Oh, I am so glad to be here.
This is such a classy cocktail party.
- It's a cockatiel party.
- So, uh, what is the difference
between a cockatiel and a cockatoo?
- Is this a bit? - Is he working out material
on us? - I hate LA.
♪ ♪
- VIP only.
- Yeah, that's right, VIP--
Very Important Pig!
- You're not on the list. - [gasps]
And she's having another shindig tonight!
If only I had a cool wingman by my side.
It might boost me up to VIP!
- [chuckles] Oh, I suppose I could
move some things around-- - Shel,
what are you doing tonight?
- Well, Darla and I haven't done
reverse Oompa Loompa in a while.
- Does everything always have to be about sex with you?
- Birds gotta fly,
tortoises gotta freak.
- What do you think? Is it time for Team Shelax
to ride again?
- Oh, hells yeah.
I'm ready to rock out
with my cloaca out.
- Yeah! - Ew.
[rock jingle]
- I don't know how I'm gonna do this.
No, no, no, no, no.
- Whoa, Madge is less coherent than usual.
What's going on, The Exposition One?
- Well, after the birthquake,
Animal Control named our house
a dangerous health hazard.
- That's crazy. We're fine.
[sneezes]
- Now Madge has to get rid of all of us
except one. - Whoa, that's horrible.
How is she possibly going to pick
which of us she loves most?
- The same way anyone in this position would--
in the selection style
of her favorite television show.
Welcome
to "The Cat-Chelorette."
[dramatic tone]
The cat-chelorette will go on a series
of dates as part of her journey
to find love.
These cats better prepare
to charm her Kirkland Signature
flannel pajama pants off, because this is sure to be
the most dramatic season yet.
♪ ♪
- Chico, what are you doing here?
- Well, every reality show needs a host,
and I have a sixth sense
for when one of these is about to break out--
you know, like how dogs can tell
when earthquakes are coming, and how alligators
can tell if someone's gay.
- Alli-gay-dar, sure.
But if I don't win,
that means I lose my Madge forever.
- And you'll be taken away
by Animal Control to be destroyed
in a humane, but efficient manner.
- So not "Cat-chelor in Paradise"?
- Trust me-- you wanna win this game.
- Obviously, I have feelings for my human.
Who wouldn't? She's the total package.
I love her long nails with food underneath
almost as much as her warm butt print in the couch.
But we've never really bonded.
I have a hard time showing affection.
I mean, I did throw up in her shoes once,
but she never really reciprocated.
You've got to help me stand out.
- Gray One, if I don't approach this job
with integrity and honor,
then I'm just a cat shilling dish soap and 5G coverage.
Okay, Cat-Chelorette Nation,
we'll be back right after this message
from AT&T's new Lemon-Scented Wireless.
[rock jingle]
- [groans]
- Chief, shh, I'm sleeping.
- I wish I was sleeping.
- Uh, wait, what?
Who's talking? - I'm talking.
- Wait, what? You're dropping out.
- [cutting out] Can--can't--you hear me?
- All right, let me try moving.
- Okay, can you hear me now?
- Yes, that's better.
Who is this?
- You called me.
- I did? Oh, well, okay.
I'm a French poodle. My name is Honey.
- I'm a French poodle too.
- Huh. - I'm in Van Nuys.
- [gasps] I think I can hear you
because I'm wearing a cone.
I had a fatty deposit that exploded.
But how can you hear me?
- Oh, my God, mine exploded too.
So they put this cone on me at the shelter.
- I'm sorry.
- Nobody wants a dog
with exploding fatty deposits.
- That's not true.
One day, your Jill will come,
and in the meantime, I can keep you company--
I mean, if you want.
- I would love that.
Yeah, you sound like someone
I can really talk to.
- What's your name?
- Well, the shelter gives us celebrity names
because they think we'll get adopted faster.
They call me James Corden.
I guess that's why I'm still here.
- Yeah, I'll call you Amigo.
That means "friend" in French.
[dramatic music]
- Here we are, in front of the mansion where our human
will begin her journey.
Oh, and here come the first of our cat-testants.
♪ ♪
- Hi, I'm The Not Here To Make Friends One.
I think you'll find I'm a real cat-ch.
- Send in the next one.
- And where's our next cat-testant?
[gasps]
Would you look at that?
- Yes, yes. [laughs]
- I love you already, babes.
I'm The Here For The Wrong Reasons One.
Smash that like button.
- I'd hate to have to follow that.
I wonder who-- it's The Gray One!
- I only have eye for you.
[car honks] - Ooh.
- Pillow cat? [groans]
- Well, I guess we know who's gonna get
the first impression treat.
- Hmm. [smooches]
- How am I supposed to compete with that?
- [whispers] Psst, if you want more airtime,
squeeze out some tears--
or puke, man. - I don't want airtime.
I want Madge time.
- Okay, okay, we'll dub in the puke sounds later.
[electronic dance music playing]
- All right, check it out, my friend.
Anyone who belongs to anyone is right here--
Post Malone's hairless cat,
Sia's sheep dog,
Uma Thurman's fainting goat, of course.
Hey, Scott! - [bleats]
- Come on. Let's take a lap
and make fun of the other animals
to make ourselves feel better.
- I've missed this.
Huh, what's going on over there?
- This is crazy.
They're having tortoise races,
and you're a tortoise!
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
- That this whole bro night
was an elaborate setup to get
me to run a tortoise race for you?
- Okay, yes, it was.
I was humiliated at the last party,
and I thought maybe if you won the tortoise race,
that would be our ticket to a real bro night
in the VIP section.
I'm sorry.
- Hey, look at me.
The first rule of Team Shelax
is never be embarrassed
of asking someone to come to a Hollywood party
and run a tortoise race for you.
- What a specific rule!
You got this, Shel!
- We got this.
[fast-paced synth music]
- Oh, yeah! - On your marks,
get set...
[tongue snap booms]
[all cheering]
- You got this! - Yeah!
- Whoo! - Yeah!
Oh, yeah, whoo!
[funky rock music]
[fast-paced synth music]
- [panting] - Sheeps is race!
- Let's do it!
[funky rock music]
- We got a pileup.
♪ ♪
- Whoo! - Oh, yeah!
- You got this! - Yeah!
- [grunts]
- Whoo! - All right!
- Yes! - Yes!
- That's my bro!
- Yes! - [laughs]
- Love it! - We did it!
Max, wait up.
[electronic dance music playing]
- Sorry, no racers in VIP.
- But that's racerist!
Max, they're not letting me in.
- [shouts] What? Well, rules are rules.
Catch you later, bro!
- Hmm...
[dramatic music]
- Madge is everything I've ever wanted.
- Yeah, she's covered in crumbs.
[laughter]
- I'm really nervous.
But just looking around, I mean,
this is the perfect place to fall in love.
So watch out, Madge.
I'm coming for you.
- Attention, cats, the human is making her way
into the bathroom, where she'll begin preparing
for our first group date,
and our selection for the group date is...
[clock ticking]
The Furry One,
The Drinks Too Much One,
The Here For The Wrong Reasons One,
The Probably Not A Cat One,
and...
[clock ticking]
The Gray One.
- [sighs]
Whew. [chuckles]
- I don't know if it's the filthy bathtub
filled with overdue electric bills talking,
but I think I'm falling in love.
I wrote you this song,
"Your Bathtub is a Wonderland."
You can listen to it on iTunes for 99¢
or the explicit version for $1.29.
- Madge, sometimes, it's hard for me
to express myself, but I'm willing
to put it all on the line for you,
because if I don't, I'll regret it--
- Hey, can I steal her for a second?
- Ah!
- [belches]
You're so hot.
[snoring]
[calm music]
- Oh, my God. They adopted Judge Judy?
- Yeah, after playing with me for, like, an hour.
I even begged.
I'm pathetic.
- No, Amigo.
What did I tell you?
- I have to be Amigo's amigo
before Amigo can be anyone else's amigo.
- Hey, come on. I got this squirrel cornered.
Let's scare the nuts off him.
- Ah, not so loud.
Can't you see I'm on the cone? God.
- Again? Every time I wanna
play with you, you're on the cone.
I wish that fatty tumor never exploded!
- It was a fatty deposit.
- Chief? - Ugh, cringe.
[dramatic music]
- Three treats have been given.
Cats, this is the final treat of the night.
♪ ♪
Human, whenever you're ready.
♪ ♪
- Here. - Oh, my God.
Maybe she does know how I feel about her.
- Aw, pocket pasta.
[slurps]
- I can't wait to introduce
Madge to my parents.
[sighs] I just hope she doesn't
bring up politics. - For those of you
who didn't get a treat tonight,
I have to ask you to head into your elimination crates.
But first, take a moment and say your goodbyes.
[all yowl]
- [meows]
[electronic dance music playing]
- Before I let you in,
would you mind lifting your plumage?
- What the hell?
- Um, where am I?
How did I get here?
[screams]
Can you believe the way they're treating us?
We're out here racing,
and they're in there, having the time of their lives.
- Now that you mention it,
it does feel like we do all the work,
and they have all the fun.
- Oh, I guess I'm Max's best friend
until something better comes along.
- Oh, I feel the same way-- cheap and used,
which normally, I love.
- Well, we have the power here.
The next time they ask us to race,
we say no!
all: Yeah! - Preach!
- There's nothing we can't do if we come together!
- Oh, I like the sound of that.
[laughter]
Reminds me of a story--
fall of 1914,
I find a soldier's helmet.
- Guys, come on. Keep focused.
This is difficult enough.
- That's what she said.
[laughter] - Ugh.
That's not even how that works.
- She said that too.
[laughter] - [groans]
[percussive beat]
- So my cone's coming off tomorrow.
- How are we going to talk?
- I guess we could talk in person.
I could come to the shelter.
- Oh, I--I didn't want to tell you this,
but I--I ran away.
- What, why?
- Well, I thought I'd have a better chance
on the streets. - Are you okay?
- I guess. I didn't know where to go,
so I went to the zoo.
- [gasps] - They take dogs, don't they?
- Just stay where you are. I'm coming.
[adventurous jazz music]
♪ ♪
- That's it. I'm gonna follow her
because I have nothing else to do.
[dramatic music]
- All right, Gray One,
you're gonna get some quality one-on-one time
with the human in her fantasy suite.
- [gasps] You mean...
- That's right, the room with all the broken box fans--
a real chance for you to finally open up
and take this to the next level.
- But what if I can't?
Then I'd lose Madge.
- Good luck. I just purred so hard
I reached cerebral hypoxia. - [groans]
You know what? That's it.
I'm done.
I am done with this.
- He's gone rogue. He's taking off his beetle
that looks like a mic.
- We got a runner!
- The Gray One!
The Gray One!
- He's gone, man!
- The Gray One, come back!
We'll be right back.
[dramatic music]
- [grunts]
The Gray One! [grunts]
Wait up! [camera thunks]
[both grunt]
Come on. Let's talk about it.
[whispers] That--go, get out of here.
[normal pitch] Is it that you don't love her?
Did you sign up for this, thinking it was
"America's Cat Talent"
or "South America's Gato Talent"?
- I can't purr. - [gasps]
- I've never been able to,
and it'll be exposed in the fantasy suite,
Madge will think I hate her,
and I'll never get to see her again!
- Gray One, if you love her,
and she loves you,
it won't matter that you can't purr.
- [sighs]
Okay. I guess I should
just trust the process.
- There you go.
You dropped this.
- [munches]
[gulps] [muffled] Thanks, Cheeks.
- Can we get him another mic?
- Now, remember, when the whistle blows,
no one moves.
- Or--and just hear me out--
instead of not moving,
why don't we get all our bits and pieces
all tangled up together?
- Yeah! - Let's do this.
- [sighs]
- Tortoises, take your marks.
- Whoo! - You got this!
- This is fun. We should all go
on a couples vacation together--
and swap.
- [laughs] - That's it!
Does everything always have to be about sex with you?
- Ready... - We're fighting
for justice here.
Can you please stop being such vile, depraved--
- Set... - Oh, yeah,
keep calling me names.
[tongue snap booms] - I can't with you.
[grunting] - Yeah!
- Whoo! - Team Shelax wins again!
- I did it!
- He set us up.
Someone say, "He stabbed us in the back."
I have a great single entendre.
[adventurous jazz music]
- Amigo!
Amigo!
- Honey?
Over here.
- Why are you in the crocodile enclosure?
Are there crocodiles in there?
- No, no, just me.
- Okay, don't move.
[grunts]
Ah, crocodile!
Where's Amigo?
- I have another confession...
- [screams]
- I really enjoyed our chats.
I'm going to miss them.
- Why? Did you finally get adopted?
- [grunts]
- [screams]
[hard rock music]
Oh. - [grunting]
♪ ♪
- [barking] - Ah, ah!
Oh, so loud!
So loud! [barks echoing]
- Chief, thank God.
Louder! [both barking]
- [screams] [whimpers]
- I'm so stupid.
I can't believe I got croc-fished.
- Aw, it's okay.
You just wanted to help him.
- Yeah, and I'm sorry
it caused me to ignore you.
- You know what? I had forgotten, but thank you.
- You know what we should do?
both: Watch the giraffes pee.
[both laugh]
- From a safe distance. - In the splash zone.
- There he is!
Oh, that was great back there--
another victory for Team Shelax!
- Oh, just cut the crap, okay?
You don't give a damn about Team Shelax.
The minute you had a better offer, you abandoned me.
- [prolonged gasp]
Whaaat?
Okay, yeah, you're right. I totally did that.
- Meanwhile, I was stuck with a bunch of depraved windbags.
Everything out of their mouths was about intercourse!
- Well, if I'm being honest,
that VIP room was just a bunch
of name-dropping pets who were
so self-absorbed, it was like I wasn't even there.
So how did your evening go?
I wasn't really listening before.
- The part that hurts the most
is that I thought we really worked as bros.
- We did. I'm sorry about bailing on you
back there, and if you can find it in your shell
to forgive me, maybe...
- Yes, but do you think we should explore our dynamic
and why this happened?
- Of course not!
- And that's why we work.
- Team Shelax rides again!
Let's get out of here.
This place is a total sausage fest.
[dramatic music]
- [sighs]
♪ ♪
- Tell us, come on.
- Okay, the truth is
last night wasn't purr-fect.
I just couldn't purr.
But I--I still think we had a great connection.
She flossed her toes with my tail.
That's gotta mean something.
- With dozens of cats in their crates,
soon to be carted off to certain death--
- What?
- The stakes are high.
But the highest stakes
are love.
With five cats left and only four treats,
this is going to be her toughest decision yet.
♪ ♪
- [sniffs]
- Wow, this is unprecedented here at Cat-Chelor nation.
The human has eaten one of the treats herself,
and now only has three treats left.
This will be the toughest decision yet.
- [giggles] - I can't believe this!
Are you getting all this?
Well, cats, there's only one treat left.
Whoever receives this treat
will get to stay here with the human
and live happily ever after.
♪ ♪
- [gasps]
- Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.
- Why does this always happen to me?
I should've known I could never
be as lovable and supportive as a pillow.
How many buckwheat hulls
do I have in me? Zero.
- For those of you who didn't receive a treat...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nobody wants us.
Head to our crates.
[somber music]
- Gray One,
no, you can't go to Animal Control.
- Where else can an unlovable, can't-purr cat go?
- You are totally wrong.
I mean, yes, you are nothing like a pillow,
but you are lovable.
I love you. You're my best friend.
- Aw, Cheeks.
[purrs]
- What's that sound?
- What? [purring]
- The Gray One, you're purring!
- I am purring!
[gasps] You made me purr!
Thank you, Chico!
I just wish you had told me you loved me before
I locked myself in this crate.
[dramatic sting] [engine turns over]
[walkie-talkie static] - Go for Carla.
- Yeah, we got a call about a celebrity
pet tortoise racing ring.
- Not today. Not today!
[tires squeal]
- [laughs] - Yay, we're free!
- Let's go home!
- Back to the squalor
we left for some reason!
- That was really fun.
I get why you like reality shows now.
- Do you wanna come to an episode of "Love is Blind"?
I can sense they're taping nearby.
- Are you kidding me? I'm halfway there.
- I'm also a cat like you are.
Can I come too?
- Sure.
- [purring]
- Purr, I'm a cat.
Purr.
- Kay, looks good.
No more cats.
- No.
- Well then, thank you for complying with--
- Bye.
- City ordinance 1752948-2.
- [meows]
[all meowing]
- Ah...
[purring] - Mm.
Oh, my sweet Gray One.
[sighs]
- All right! Pocket pork!
- Meow.
[glass shatters] [all cheer]
- That's nice, Jen and Gabby.