1 00:00:01,269 --> 00:00:03,006 ♪ I'm in the dog house ♪ 2 00:00:03,106 --> 00:00:06,279 ♪ 'Cause I let the cat out of the stupid bag ♪ 3 00:00:06,279 --> 00:00:08,885 ♪ Like every winter, let the chicken out ♪ 4 00:00:08,885 --> 00:00:10,588 ♪ And drop off like a flag ♪ 5 00:00:10,588 --> 00:00:13,794 ♪ There's something smelling mighty fishy ♪ 6 00:00:13,794 --> 00:00:16,232 ♪ This time of year ♪ 7 00:00:16,232 --> 00:00:18,938 ♪ Monkey see, monkey do ♪ 8 00:00:18,938 --> 00:00:21,644 ♪ Hold your horses, I'll take two ♪ 9 00:00:21,644 --> 00:00:23,781 ♪ Woofin' around ♪ 10 00:00:23,781 --> 00:00:26,152 ♪ Woofin' about ♪ 11 00:00:26,152 --> 00:00:28,891 ♪ I'm gonna make you a mess ♪ 12 00:00:28,891 --> 00:00:32,599 ♪ 'Cause I love you ♪ 13 00:00:32,599 --> 00:00:34,135 [chuckles] 14 00:00:34,570 --> 00:00:38,611 Are you ready for your present? 15 00:00:38,611 --> 00:00:40,848 Oh, Darla, that's lovely. 16 00:00:40,848 --> 00:00:42,586 But it's never going to fit. 17 00:00:42,586 --> 00:00:46,059 Well, not with that attitude it's not. 18 00:00:46,159 --> 00:00:49,465 [jazzy holiday music] 19 00:00:49,465 --> 00:00:56,446 ♪ ♪ 20 00:00:56,446 --> 00:00:57,983 [meows] 21 00:00:57,983 --> 00:01:02,091 ♪ ♪ 22 00:01:02,091 --> 00:01:04,328 I can't return it. I'm not gonna return it. 23 00:01:04,328 --> 00:01:06,099 The antlers are slimming. The sweater will make him 24 00:01:06,099 --> 00:01:07,268 look fat. - [sighs] 25 00:01:07,268 --> 00:01:09,506 Don't you body shame our dog. 26 00:01:09,506 --> 00:01:11,877 The holidays suck! 27 00:01:11,877 --> 00:01:14,015 Breathe, Jill, breathe. 28 00:01:14,015 --> 00:01:15,885 Uh, can you bring it down a skosh? 29 00:01:15,885 --> 00:01:17,187 I'm trying to squeeze in a quick nap 30 00:01:17,187 --> 00:01:19,826 before nap time. - How can you sleep? 31 00:01:19,826 --> 00:01:21,162 You know how every The Holidays, 32 00:01:21,162 --> 00:01:23,366 Jill gets so stressed when her mom and Nathan visit. 33 00:01:23,366 --> 00:01:25,972 And you know how stressed I get when Jill's stressed. 34 00:01:25,972 --> 00:01:28,276 It's just all so stressful! Aaah! 35 00:01:28,276 --> 00:01:31,215 If I put my mom's decorations up before she gets here, 36 00:01:31,215 --> 00:01:33,721 our relationship might finally turn a corner. 37 00:01:33,721 --> 00:01:35,257 [chuckles weakly] Okay. 38 00:01:35,257 --> 00:01:38,096 That's a collectible. Do I want to put that out? 39 00:01:38,096 --> 00:01:40,100 This year, I was really hoping 40 00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:41,537 Jill would advocate for herself. 41 00:01:41,537 --> 00:01:44,208 And I was hoping you'd stop being a wet blanket 42 00:01:44,208 --> 00:01:46,312 so we could have some The Holidays fun. 43 00:01:46,312 --> 00:01:49,753 Oh! Let's get our heads stuck in presents and panic. 44 00:01:49,753 --> 00:01:51,890 [laughs] - Would you stop? 45 00:01:51,890 --> 00:01:52,859 I'm trying to have... [crash] 46 00:01:52,859 --> 00:01:54,228 A serious-- - Aah! Help! 47 00:01:54,228 --> 00:01:56,165 I'm stuck in this present somehow. 48 00:01:56,165 --> 00:01:57,969 [chuckles] This is awesome. 49 00:01:57,969 --> 00:01:59,873 Also, this is terrifying. 50 00:01:59,873 --> 00:02:01,777 Mom's hideous ceramic wreath. 51 00:02:01,777 --> 00:02:03,748 I just have to get that up. [doorbell rings] 52 00:02:03,748 --> 00:02:06,920 Oh, we're not ready, Jill. We're not ready! 53 00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:09,793 - Hello, Jill. - Hello, Honey. 54 00:02:09,793 --> 00:02:11,630 Nathan. Merry The Holidays. 55 00:02:11,630 --> 00:02:13,033 We'll see. 56 00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:15,003 Grandma and Uncle Nathan are here! 57 00:02:15,003 --> 00:02:16,139 [gasps] [wreath shatters] 58 00:02:16,139 --> 00:02:19,178 Oh, sorry, Mom. I'm such a klutz. 59 00:02:19,178 --> 00:02:21,282 It's not your fault. 60 00:02:21,282 --> 00:02:23,788 I should have stopped having kids at none. 61 00:02:23,888 --> 00:02:25,625 Zing. [chuckles] 62 00:02:25,625 --> 00:02:27,896 [The Nutcracker's "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy"] 63 00:02:27,896 --> 00:02:29,265 Pet me, Jill. We both need it. 64 00:02:29,265 --> 00:02:31,436 Please, for the love of all that is holy, 65 00:02:31,537 --> 00:02:33,808 pet me, you beautiful son of a bitch! 66 00:02:33,808 --> 00:02:35,277 God, she's pathetic. 67 00:02:35,277 --> 00:02:38,918 If this isn't the last The Holidays we spend here, 68 00:02:38,918 --> 00:02:40,788 I'm going to ask for a woodchipper 69 00:02:40,788 --> 00:02:42,559 so I can fly into it. 70 00:02:42,559 --> 00:02:45,665 Maybe there's a way to spice things up a little. 71 00:02:45,665 --> 00:02:46,867 Ooh. 72 00:02:46,867 --> 00:02:48,804 Oh, Chief, ol' boy. 73 00:02:48,804 --> 00:02:51,075 Look, Kris Kringle has arrived. 74 00:02:51,175 --> 00:02:52,779 Hurry! Warn everyone. 75 00:02:52,779 --> 00:02:54,382 Aah! He's here! 76 00:02:54,382 --> 00:02:57,756 Kris Kringle's here! Here, here, here! 77 00:02:57,756 --> 00:02:59,091 [sobs] Chief. 78 00:02:59,091 --> 00:03:02,131 You're so sparkly and beautiful. 79 00:03:02,131 --> 00:03:04,001 - No, don't lick me. Don't. - [chuckles] 80 00:03:04,001 --> 00:03:05,705 God, just because you're a dog 81 00:03:05,705 --> 00:03:07,942 doesn't mean you have to act like one. 82 00:03:07,942 --> 00:03:09,011 Ouch. 83 00:03:09,011 --> 00:03:10,247 [bell jingles] 84 00:03:10,247 --> 00:03:12,151 Here, Honey, let me get that. 85 00:03:12,151 --> 00:03:13,821 - Aah! - [chuckles] 86 00:03:13,821 --> 00:03:14,923 Get it out. Get it out! 87 00:03:14,923 --> 00:03:15,992 Oh, no! That is glued in there. 88 00:03:15,992 --> 00:03:19,131 We have to get her to the vet to remove it. Stat! 89 00:03:19,131 --> 00:03:20,501 Because of you, 90 00:03:20,501 --> 00:03:22,872 I'm spending The Holidays at the vet! 91 00:03:22,872 --> 00:03:24,442 [door slams] 92 00:03:24,543 --> 00:03:25,477 Aw. 93 00:03:25,645 --> 00:03:28,316 It's okay. I know Chief didn't mean to do this. 94 00:03:28,316 --> 00:03:29,318 Well, of course he didn't. 95 00:03:29,318 --> 00:03:31,857 That's why he needs discipline and structure. 96 00:03:31,857 --> 00:03:33,093 And you offer none of that. 97 00:03:33,193 --> 00:03:35,097 Bad owner. Bad owner! 98 00:03:35,097 --> 00:03:37,101 - Ugh. - Okay, Mom. 99 00:03:37,101 --> 00:03:38,671 I know what you're thinking. 100 00:03:38,671 --> 00:03:40,808 Just say it. 101 00:03:40,808 --> 00:03:42,177 I hate your haircut. 102 00:03:42,177 --> 00:03:44,348 [upbeat music] 103 00:03:44,348 --> 00:03:46,553 ♪ Deck the halls with Davey Spadey ♪ 104 00:03:46,553 --> 00:03:48,389 ♪ Deedle-deedle-dee, da-beep-bop-boop ♪ 105 00:03:48,389 --> 00:03:51,162 Our first annual Holi-Dave Bash! 106 00:03:51,162 --> 00:03:53,099 Oh, I miss my old Ray, 107 00:03:53,099 --> 00:03:55,905 but man, am I glad he left us to Spade. 108 00:03:55,905 --> 00:03:57,509 He and I are BFFs already. 109 00:03:57,509 --> 00:04:01,349 And I overheard him saying I'm gonna be the Christmas ham! 110 00:04:01,349 --> 00:04:03,954 - What? - Oh, don't be jealous. 111 00:04:03,954 --> 00:04:05,424 Performing is in my blood. 112 00:04:05,424 --> 00:04:07,862 So if anyone's gonna ham it up for the guests, 113 00:04:07,862 --> 00:04:09,098 it's gonna be me. 114 00:04:09,098 --> 00:04:12,204 I'm planning this one really hammy bit 115 00:04:12,204 --> 00:04:15,912 where I shove streamers in my snout and ka-pow! 116 00:04:15,912 --> 00:04:17,916 Um, Max? I don't think that's 117 00:04:17,916 --> 00:04:20,688 what they're looking for from the Christmas ham. 118 00:04:20,688 --> 00:04:21,623 ♪ ♪ 119 00:04:21,623 --> 00:04:24,128 Ah, we'll get that pinecone out of there. 120 00:04:24,128 --> 00:04:26,399 It's a simple procedure. No harm done. 121 00:04:26,399 --> 00:04:28,136 What about the emotional trauma? 122 00:04:28,136 --> 00:04:29,438 And not just from this, 123 00:04:29,438 --> 00:04:32,177 but the trauma of living with Chief and Jill. 124 00:04:32,177 --> 00:04:33,914 Not that you care about that. 125 00:04:33,914 --> 00:04:35,852 Typical western medicine ideology. 126 00:04:35,852 --> 00:04:37,387 [barking] - Whoa! 127 00:04:37,387 --> 00:04:40,193 Don't you realize you have to treat the whole dog? 128 00:04:40,193 --> 00:04:42,431 [barks] Ooh, pills! 129 00:04:42,431 --> 00:04:44,401 Ooh, these should take the edge off. 130 00:04:44,401 --> 00:04:46,707 - [sighs] - Hey, Doc, are you single? 131 00:04:46,707 --> 00:04:49,579 Don't look at her now. Her hair will grow out. 132 00:04:49,579 --> 00:04:50,882 [sighs] 133 00:04:50,882 --> 00:04:52,652 Ooh, pills. 134 00:04:52,652 --> 00:04:53,654 [gulps] 135 00:04:53,654 --> 00:04:54,689 [sighs] 136 00:04:54,689 --> 00:04:57,261 [dramatic music] 137 00:04:57,261 --> 00:04:58,831 Oh, golden Buddha-Dog, 138 00:04:58,931 --> 00:05:02,739 why can't I be part of a family that's more like me? 139 00:05:02,739 --> 00:05:05,745 ♪ ♪ 140 00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:08,551 - Eat me? - Yes. 141 00:05:08,551 --> 00:05:11,155 That's what Spade means by Christmas ham. 142 00:05:11,155 --> 00:05:13,159 [chuckles] Okay, Larrabee, please. 143 00:05:13,159 --> 00:05:14,461 Come on, Max. 144 00:05:14,461 --> 00:05:17,467 The incomparable Dana Carvey is here. 145 00:05:17,569 --> 00:05:20,106 You're the dinner, not the theater. 146 00:05:20,106 --> 00:05:22,077 Oh, my God! 147 00:05:22,077 --> 00:05:23,112 [grunts] 148 00:05:23,112 --> 00:05:25,016 ♪ ♪ 149 00:05:25,016 --> 00:05:26,285 Yeah, ooh. 150 00:05:26,285 --> 00:05:27,789 Right there, right there. 151 00:05:27,789 --> 00:05:29,024 [fire sizzling] 152 00:05:29,024 --> 00:05:30,327 ♪ ♪ 153 00:05:30,327 --> 00:05:32,799 [gasps] Spade's gonna eat me. 154 00:05:32,799 --> 00:05:34,168 [horns wheezes] 155 00:05:34,168 --> 00:05:36,707 Max? Max. [knife swishing] 156 00:05:36,707 --> 00:05:37,742 Where are you? 157 00:05:37,742 --> 00:05:39,445 Where's my yummy boy? - [gasps] 158 00:05:39,445 --> 00:05:41,249 Oh, crap. [horn wheezes] 159 00:05:41,249 --> 00:05:42,451 I gotta get out of here. 160 00:05:42,451 --> 00:05:45,858 Don't tell Spade I've never seen "Tommy Boy"! 161 00:05:45,858 --> 00:05:47,929 [upbeat music] 162 00:05:47,929 --> 00:05:49,398 Jill. Jill. 163 00:05:49,398 --> 00:05:53,439 Jill! - Hi, Honey. 164 00:05:53,439 --> 00:05:55,845 Do I get to go home with you? 165 00:05:55,845 --> 00:05:57,715 [chuckles] 166 00:05:57,715 --> 00:05:58,984 [phone rings] - Happy The Holidays, 167 00:05:58,984 --> 00:06:00,120 please hold. 168 00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:02,291 Happy The Holidays, please hold. 169 00:06:02,291 --> 00:06:04,228 No, we don't euthanize pets on Christmas. 170 00:06:04,228 --> 00:06:05,230 [phone rings] Happy The Holidays, 171 00:06:05,230 --> 00:06:07,034 please hold. What? 172 00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:08,469 We're here for Lady Capulet. 173 00:06:08,469 --> 00:06:10,373 [groans] Poodle, right? 174 00:06:10,373 --> 00:06:12,377 I'm getting her, all right? 175 00:06:12,377 --> 00:06:14,315 Can Bernstein work Christmas? 176 00:06:14,315 --> 00:06:16,520 Sure, Bernstein can always work Christmas. 177 00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:18,757 But does he ever get off for Tu BiShvat? 178 00:06:18,757 --> 00:06:20,026 Nooo. 179 00:06:20,026 --> 00:06:22,497 Now, come on, Lady Capulet. 180 00:06:22,497 --> 00:06:25,203 Unlike Bernstein, you get to go home. 181 00:06:25,203 --> 00:06:28,409 ♪ ♪ 182 00:06:28,409 --> 00:06:31,516 Hey, welcome back. The pinecone's gone. 183 00:06:31,516 --> 00:06:33,654 You must be in a really good and forgiving mood, 184 00:06:33,654 --> 00:06:35,591 right, Honey? - Sure thing, sweetie. 185 00:06:35,691 --> 00:06:38,096 [chuckles] - Wait, why aren't you yelling? 186 00:06:38,096 --> 00:06:40,835 I can yell if you want me to! 187 00:06:40,835 --> 00:06:43,741 Uh, okay, go ahead, Honey. Lay it on me. 188 00:06:43,741 --> 00:06:47,281 I'm a dummy. Stupid. Unculturalized. 189 00:06:47,281 --> 00:06:49,285 Just say whatever it is you're gonna say. 190 00:06:49,285 --> 00:06:52,558 Let's go find a hornet's nest and pee on it! 191 00:06:52,558 --> 00:06:55,631 Wait, I've been begging you to pee on hornets' nests 192 00:06:55,631 --> 00:06:58,269 for years, and suddenly you're excited about it? 193 00:06:58,269 --> 00:07:01,877 Maybe that pinecone surgery caused serious brain damage. 194 00:07:01,877 --> 00:07:03,514 The fun kind! 195 00:07:03,514 --> 00:07:06,419 Come on, let's go piss off some hornets, Honey. 196 00:07:06,419 --> 00:07:09,158 [laughs] - Okay, darling. 197 00:07:09,158 --> 00:07:10,828 [piano music] 198 00:07:10,828 --> 00:07:13,667 [grunts] Oh, is-is it out? 199 00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:15,303 Phew. What a relief. 200 00:07:15,303 --> 00:07:18,376 I could not go through life with a pinecone hanging off me 201 00:07:18,376 --> 00:07:21,182 like some kind of 2005 geo-prism. 202 00:07:21,182 --> 00:07:23,086 [laughs] That was good. 203 00:07:23,086 --> 00:07:25,758 Uh, Guernico, I don't believe that's Lady. 204 00:07:25,758 --> 00:07:27,127 She's similar in appearance, 205 00:07:27,127 --> 00:07:30,433 yet she's not nearly as obnoxious and dimwitted. 206 00:07:30,433 --> 00:07:32,337 Indeed, Caravaggio. 207 00:07:32,437 --> 00:07:34,375 Perhaps it's best if we keep that to ourselves. 208 00:07:34,375 --> 00:07:37,314 Hello there. Um, where am I? 209 00:07:37,314 --> 00:07:39,418 You're at the Van Amburgs. 210 00:07:39,418 --> 00:07:41,188 Those are our humans. 211 00:07:41,288 --> 00:07:42,424 The ones with the books? 212 00:07:42,424 --> 00:07:44,461 We've never actually seen their faces. 213 00:07:44,461 --> 00:07:46,499 Whoa. Real intellectuals? 214 00:07:46,499 --> 00:07:48,637 But we shouldn't be conversing. 215 00:07:48,637 --> 00:07:51,275 We are in a sit stay, which is quiet time 216 00:07:51,275 --> 00:07:52,812 to think and reflect. 217 00:07:52,812 --> 00:07:54,983 No way. I never get to think and reflect. 218 00:07:54,983 --> 00:07:56,385 But how did I get here? 219 00:07:56,385 --> 00:07:59,224 [clicker clicks] - Dogs, enrichment corner. 220 00:07:59,224 --> 00:08:01,329 Wait, enrichment corner? 221 00:08:01,329 --> 00:08:03,834 I'm with a family that's more like me? 222 00:08:03,834 --> 00:08:05,337 But how? 223 00:08:05,337 --> 00:08:07,307 Why can't I be part of a family 224 00:08:07,307 --> 00:08:09,512 that's more like me? 225 00:08:09,512 --> 00:08:11,215 My wish was granted! 226 00:08:11,215 --> 00:08:13,086 I'm in one of those classic 227 00:08:13,086 --> 00:08:16,593 magical The Holidays life swap switcheroos! 228 00:08:16,593 --> 00:08:18,764 [chuckles] We'll be right back. 229 00:08:22,070 --> 00:08:23,339 Dogs, dinner. 230 00:08:23,339 --> 00:08:25,310 [food rattling] 231 00:08:25,310 --> 00:08:27,949 Wait. Wait. 232 00:08:27,949 --> 00:08:28,684 Wait. 233 00:08:28,684 --> 00:08:29,819 - This is incredible. - Wait. 234 00:08:29,919 --> 00:08:31,322 - I've waited my whole life... - Wait. 235 00:08:31,322 --> 00:08:33,292 To experience delayed gratification. 236 00:08:33,292 --> 00:08:34,395 - Wait. - And now it's here. 237 00:08:34,395 --> 00:08:35,831 Soon! - Wait. 238 00:08:35,831 --> 00:08:37,635 Wait. Wait. 239 00:08:37,635 --> 00:08:39,839 [clicker clicks] Dogs, dine. 240 00:08:39,839 --> 00:08:42,678 Mmm. Oh. Oh, it tastes so much better 241 00:08:42,678 --> 00:08:45,417 than it would have 20 seconds ago. 242 00:08:45,417 --> 00:08:47,220 ♪ ♪ 243 00:08:47,220 --> 00:08:50,326 [laughs] 244 00:08:50,326 --> 00:08:52,030 I can't believe I've been rolling around 245 00:08:52,030 --> 00:08:55,437 in human waste by myself all these years. 246 00:08:55,437 --> 00:08:57,441 Thanks for joining me, Honey. 247 00:08:57,441 --> 00:08:59,478 Any time, pumpkin. [chuckles] 248 00:08:59,478 --> 00:09:01,750 Aw. What should we do next? 249 00:09:01,750 --> 00:09:03,219 Oh, I know. We should... 250 00:09:03,219 --> 00:09:04,989 [together] Eat each other's vomit. 251 00:09:04,989 --> 00:09:06,660 [all growling] 252 00:09:06,660 --> 00:09:08,029 [clicker clicks] - Dogs, leave it. 253 00:09:08,029 --> 00:09:11,368 Self-control is so awesome. I can barely stand it. 254 00:09:11,368 --> 00:09:12,972 Mm-mm. 255 00:09:12,972 --> 00:09:16,646 Eat a lot so our poops are festive through the summer. 256 00:09:19,017 --> 00:09:20,153 Dogs, music. 257 00:09:20,153 --> 00:09:23,192 [classical music playing] 258 00:09:23,192 --> 00:09:26,065 Five, seven, one. Go! 259 00:09:26,065 --> 00:09:27,434 Cardio! [crash] 260 00:09:27,434 --> 00:09:28,937 Cardi B. [crash] 261 00:09:28,937 --> 00:09:31,175 [clicker clicks] - Dogs, martini. 262 00:09:31,175 --> 00:09:36,118 ♪ ♪ 263 00:09:36,118 --> 00:09:40,026 [both chuckling] 264 00:09:40,026 --> 00:09:44,602 Good dog. 265 00:09:44,602 --> 00:09:47,708 [together] I'm living my best life! 266 00:09:47,708 --> 00:09:49,712 Nobody tells you the hardest part 267 00:09:49,712 --> 00:09:51,750 about your owner wanting to eat you 268 00:09:51,750 --> 00:09:55,290 is being alone for The Holidays. 269 00:09:55,290 --> 00:09:58,229 [melancholy jazz music] 270 00:09:58,229 --> 00:10:02,003 ♪ ♪ 271 00:10:02,003 --> 00:10:03,072 [purrs] 272 00:10:03,072 --> 00:10:10,086 ♪ ♪ 273 00:10:11,055 --> 00:10:11,756 [grunts] 274 00:10:11,857 --> 00:10:14,094 Happy The Holidays, my friend. 275 00:10:14,094 --> 00:10:16,065 [sighs] What's so happy about it? 276 00:10:16,065 --> 00:10:20,340 It's the one time of year I visit all 324 of my kids. 277 00:10:20,440 --> 00:10:21,776 Oh, just like Nick Cannon. 278 00:10:21,776 --> 00:10:23,580 Well, then I won't bother you. 279 00:10:23,580 --> 00:10:25,584 No, please bother me. 280 00:10:25,584 --> 00:10:27,622 Kids, go play in traffic. 281 00:10:27,622 --> 00:10:28,991 That'll cut their numbers in half. 282 00:10:28,991 --> 00:10:31,262 You are a good dad, Raccoon. 283 00:10:31,262 --> 00:10:32,732 Much better than Spade. 284 00:10:32,732 --> 00:10:35,470 He wants to eat me, so I'm running away. 285 00:10:35,470 --> 00:10:36,907 You know what you should do? 286 00:10:36,907 --> 00:10:39,646 Get yourself a Jewish celebrity this time. 287 00:10:39,646 --> 00:10:42,117 They're less likely to put you on the menu. 288 00:10:42,117 --> 00:10:43,252 Hmm. 289 00:10:43,252 --> 00:10:45,190 Jewish celebrity? 290 00:10:45,190 --> 00:10:46,760 Jewish celebrity! 291 00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:49,298 Where are you, Jewish celebrity? 292 00:10:49,298 --> 00:10:51,202 [car honks] Oh, Spider-Man. 293 00:10:51,202 --> 00:10:52,705 That's Jewish, right? 294 00:10:52,705 --> 00:10:54,509 [mellow jazzy music] 295 00:10:54,509 --> 00:10:56,580 Checkmate. 296 00:10:56,580 --> 00:10:58,584 [giggles] I love it here. 297 00:10:58,584 --> 00:11:01,723 I've never been happier or more disciplined. 298 00:11:01,723 --> 00:11:04,562 Thank you for your hospitality. [licks] 299 00:11:04,562 --> 00:11:06,633 [both gasp] - How dare you lick 300 00:11:06,633 --> 00:11:09,572 Teri Van Amburg on the face! 301 00:11:09,572 --> 00:11:11,308 I think I'm going to be sick. 302 00:11:11,308 --> 00:11:13,145 Oh, what? At my old house, 303 00:11:13,145 --> 00:11:16,520 showing affection was the way we showed affection. 304 00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:18,189 Shame stance. [clicker clicks] 305 00:11:18,189 --> 00:11:20,493 They're clicking at you. 306 00:11:20,493 --> 00:11:21,530 Oh, okay. 307 00:11:21,530 --> 00:11:24,167 Shame stance. Sure. 308 00:11:24,167 --> 00:11:26,540 I, um--no, I got this. 309 00:11:26,540 --> 00:11:29,846 Uh... boom. 310 00:11:29,846 --> 00:11:32,685 Am I even close? - Ugh, good enough. 311 00:11:32,685 --> 00:11:35,490 both: Shame. Shame. Shame. 312 00:11:35,591 --> 00:11:38,029 Shame. Shame. Shame. 313 00:11:38,029 --> 00:11:40,601 - Like I said, I love it here. - Shame. Shame. 314 00:11:40,601 --> 00:11:43,472 Long story short, Spade wants to eat me. 315 00:11:43,472 --> 00:11:44,609 So I've spent the last two hours 316 00:11:44,609 --> 00:11:47,214 wandering the streets yelling for a Jewish celebrity. 317 00:11:47,214 --> 00:11:48,550 Been there. 318 00:11:48,550 --> 00:11:49,819 So do you mind if I crash here tonight 319 00:11:49,819 --> 00:11:51,455 until I find a new A-list human? 320 00:11:51,455 --> 00:11:52,992 Sure, buddy. Come on in. 321 00:11:53,092 --> 00:11:55,396 We're in the middle of our Christmas show. 322 00:11:55,396 --> 00:11:58,537 "The Shining: The Musical." 323 00:11:58,537 --> 00:12:00,608 ♪ Jack seems a little stressed ♪ 324 00:12:00,608 --> 00:12:02,077 ♪ He used to be a drinker ♪ 325 00:12:02,077 --> 00:12:04,348 ♪ I think I'll kill my family ♪ 326 00:12:04,348 --> 00:12:06,151 ♪ Ain't I such a stinker? ♪ 327 00:12:06,151 --> 00:12:07,888 Here's Johnny! 328 00:12:07,888 --> 00:12:10,995 [together] Come play with us forever. 329 00:12:10,995 --> 00:12:12,297 Christmas is saved! 330 00:12:12,297 --> 00:12:14,569 all: ♪ Christmas at the Overlook is ♪ 331 00:12:14,569 --> 00:12:15,838 ♪ Always such a dud ♪ 332 00:12:15,838 --> 00:12:18,409 ♪ And not just 'cause the elevators ♪ 333 00:12:18,409 --> 00:12:21,181 ♪ Overflow with blood ♪ 334 00:12:21,181 --> 00:12:22,852 It's even better than last year's 335 00:12:22,852 --> 00:12:24,822 "Texas Chainsaw Massa-Christmas." 336 00:12:24,822 --> 00:12:26,760 Would you look at that, it's time for me 337 00:12:26,760 --> 00:12:30,801 to make up a lazy excuse to leave. 338 00:12:31,368 --> 00:12:34,374 [snoring] 339 00:12:34,374 --> 00:12:35,778 Cannon-bear! 340 00:12:35,778 --> 00:12:37,682 - Aah! - Come on. 341 00:12:37,682 --> 00:12:39,619 Let's go eat each other's vomit. 342 00:12:39,619 --> 00:12:41,957 Yeah, we did that already. It's nap time. 343 00:12:41,957 --> 00:12:43,760 Just sleep with your mouth open 344 00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:45,330 and I'll do the rest. 345 00:12:45,330 --> 00:12:48,837 - That's gross, even for me. - Come on. 346 00:12:48,837 --> 00:12:51,610 I never get to do fun stuff like this. 347 00:12:51,610 --> 00:12:53,479 Well, I never get to nap 348 00:12:53,479 --> 00:12:55,383 now that you like to do fun stuff. 349 00:12:55,383 --> 00:12:56,653 You're fat. 350 00:12:56,653 --> 00:12:59,291 I'm going to go bite that lady. 351 00:12:59,291 --> 00:13:01,395 [growls] - [gasps] 352 00:13:01,395 --> 00:13:03,165 Whoa, whoa. Wait. 353 00:13:03,165 --> 00:13:05,370 That's Jill, our mom goddess. 354 00:13:05,370 --> 00:13:06,506 We love her. 355 00:13:06,506 --> 00:13:09,779 When did you get so mean? What is wrong with you? 356 00:13:09,779 --> 00:13:12,117 I'm gonna go dig a hole in the couch. 357 00:13:12,117 --> 00:13:13,152 [chuckles] 358 00:13:13,252 --> 00:13:15,891 Man, I thought I preferred brain-damaged Honey, 359 00:13:15,891 --> 00:13:16,826 but I don't. 360 00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:20,366 I miss loving, patient, doesn't finish her food, 361 00:13:20,366 --> 00:13:21,836 wet blanket Honey. 362 00:13:21,836 --> 00:13:25,009 Who can help me un-damage her brain? 363 00:13:25,109 --> 00:13:26,078 [gasps] 364 00:13:26,245 --> 00:13:29,284 Tchotchke, how do I assemble Honey's boring friends? 365 00:13:29,284 --> 00:13:31,589 [ululates] 366 00:13:31,589 --> 00:13:35,363 [martial music] 367 00:13:35,363 --> 00:13:36,833 [camera shutter snaps] 368 00:13:38,302 --> 00:13:39,338 [tires buzz] 369 00:13:39,438 --> 00:13:42,912 Okay, guys, this is gonna be hard for you to see, 370 00:13:42,912 --> 00:13:44,682 but something has happened to Honey. 371 00:13:44,682 --> 00:13:46,519 Honey! 372 00:13:46,519 --> 00:13:47,688 [spits] Yes, buttercup? 373 00:13:47,688 --> 00:13:49,826 [lid clanks] [chuckles] 374 00:13:49,826 --> 00:13:51,730 Look, I broke Honey. 375 00:13:51,730 --> 00:13:53,533 - That's not Honey. - Right? 376 00:13:53,533 --> 00:13:54,836 She's like a different dog. 377 00:13:54,836 --> 00:13:56,472 She is different dog. 378 00:13:56,472 --> 00:13:57,340 Yeah, I know. 379 00:13:57,340 --> 00:13:58,677 Get the pinecones out of your ears. 380 00:13:58,677 --> 00:14:00,581 This is what I'm trying to tell you. 381 00:14:00,581 --> 00:14:02,585 Hey, is your name Honey? 382 00:14:02,585 --> 00:14:04,856 - Who the hell is Honey? - [gasps] 383 00:14:04,956 --> 00:14:07,661 Oh, my God, guys. This isn't Honey. 384 00:14:07,661 --> 00:14:10,099 How were there no signs? 385 00:14:10,099 --> 00:14:13,707 For the last time, my name is Lady Capulet. 386 00:14:13,707 --> 00:14:17,113 The vet mixed us up, duh. 387 00:14:17,113 --> 00:14:20,119 Boy, you're a master of deception. 388 00:14:20,119 --> 00:14:22,157 And now poor Honey is stuck at the vet. 389 00:14:22,157 --> 00:14:25,798 [laughs] Where after going unclaimed 390 00:14:25,798 --> 00:14:30,473 she'll be put to sleep, to death, forever! 391 00:14:30,473 --> 00:14:31,810 To death! 392 00:14:31,810 --> 00:14:33,647 [laughs evilly] 393 00:14:33,647 --> 00:14:35,617 [gasps] Oh, my God. 394 00:14:35,617 --> 00:14:37,722 What do I do, Honey? 395 00:14:37,722 --> 00:14:39,992 Um, I don't know, baby cakes. 396 00:14:40,093 --> 00:14:42,130 Oh, right. [chuckles] 397 00:14:42,130 --> 00:14:44,067 [together] Shame. Shame. 398 00:14:44,067 --> 00:14:46,138 Shame. Shame. - Ugh, I get it. 399 00:14:46,138 --> 00:14:48,242 [together] Shame - Dogs, potty time. 400 00:14:49,478 --> 00:14:50,179 You know what's funny? 401 00:14:50,346 --> 00:14:52,217 At my old house, I was the rule follower. 402 00:14:52,217 --> 00:14:54,187 And Chief was the lovable screwball. 403 00:14:54,187 --> 00:14:56,626 [chuckling] Oh, if you know what a vibrator is, 404 00:14:56,626 --> 00:14:57,928 you're gonna love this story. 405 00:14:57,928 --> 00:15:00,133 One time, Chie-- - Oh, my God. 406 00:15:00,133 --> 00:15:02,571 Are you initiating a bowel movement? 407 00:15:02,571 --> 00:15:04,976 Uh, no. 408 00:15:04,976 --> 00:15:07,013 Why are you making eye contact with us? 409 00:15:07,013 --> 00:15:09,017 I-I can't go without eye contact. 410 00:15:09,017 --> 00:15:11,088 And what's the problem? We're outside. 411 00:15:11,088 --> 00:15:13,794 We have a privacy shrub for a reason. 412 00:15:13,794 --> 00:15:14,929 Just because you're a dog 413 00:15:14,929 --> 00:15:17,233 doesn't mean you have to act like one. 414 00:15:17,233 --> 00:15:18,537 Ouch. 415 00:15:18,537 --> 00:15:20,173 You guys are pretentious snobs. 416 00:15:20,173 --> 00:15:23,145 And I thought I'd like that, but guess what? 417 00:15:23,145 --> 00:15:23,947 I don't. 418 00:15:24,047 --> 00:15:25,951 I like dogs who aren't judgmental 419 00:15:26,051 --> 00:15:28,088 and who show their owners affection. 420 00:15:28,088 --> 00:15:31,462 And who make eye contact with me while I poop. 421 00:15:31,462 --> 00:15:34,301 Like Chief. I miss Chief. And Jill. 422 00:15:34,301 --> 00:15:37,508 She's patient and she lets me lick her anywhere. 423 00:15:37,508 --> 00:15:39,044 Ew. 424 00:15:39,044 --> 00:15:41,649 Oh, grow up. [sighs] 425 00:15:41,649 --> 00:15:43,687 I miss my old life. 426 00:15:43,687 --> 00:15:46,425 [melancholic music] 427 00:15:46,425 --> 00:15:50,567 ♪ ♪ 428 00:15:50,567 --> 00:15:52,437 [wave crashes] 429 00:15:52,538 --> 00:15:53,573 Gasp! Epiphany! 430 00:15:53,673 --> 00:15:57,313 I've got to The Holiday switcheroo back to my old life. 431 00:15:57,313 --> 00:16:00,687 I've got to find that golden Buddha-Dog statue. 432 00:16:00,687 --> 00:16:02,958 Right after I finish. 433 00:16:02,958 --> 00:16:05,597 Buddy, you mind looking me in the eye? 434 00:16:05,597 --> 00:16:07,066 Sure. 435 00:16:10,139 --> 00:16:12,912 - Thank you. - No, thank you, doll. 436 00:16:12,912 --> 00:16:14,816 [dramatic music] 437 00:16:14,816 --> 00:16:16,185 [grunts] 438 00:16:20,861 --> 00:16:22,096 Here's a fun question. 439 00:16:22,096 --> 00:16:24,902 Now that Honey is being put down, 440 00:16:24,902 --> 00:16:26,606 did everyone else get what they wanted... 441 00:16:26,706 --> 00:16:28,008 for The Holidays? 442 00:16:28,008 --> 00:16:29,779 You're wrong, Uncle Nathan. 443 00:16:29,779 --> 00:16:31,114 Honey is still alive. 444 00:16:31,114 --> 00:16:32,818 And as much as I want to hear 445 00:16:32,818 --> 00:16:34,254 what everyone got for The Holidays, 446 00:16:34,254 --> 00:16:36,391 I'm gonna save Honey from the vet. 447 00:16:36,391 --> 00:16:37,862 I just need to eat something I shouldn't 448 00:16:37,862 --> 00:16:40,233 so Jill will take me to the vet to get my stomach pumped. 449 00:16:40,233 --> 00:16:41,301 [tree crashes, Dumb Honey grunts] 450 00:16:41,401 --> 00:16:43,707 But what? Everything in this house has already passed 451 00:16:43,707 --> 00:16:45,009 through me at least once. 452 00:16:45,109 --> 00:16:47,848 Hey, who wants in on this electric spaghetti? 453 00:16:47,848 --> 00:16:50,787 [chuckles] - Gasp! Epipity! 454 00:16:50,787 --> 00:16:53,392 [both gagging] 455 00:16:55,029 --> 00:16:58,402 This is exactly why you can't find a good man. 456 00:16:58,402 --> 00:17:00,607 ♪ And not just 'cause the elevators ♪ 457 00:17:00,607 --> 00:17:02,611 ♪ Overflow with blood ♪ 458 00:17:02,611 --> 00:17:03,980 Okay, it is catchy. 459 00:17:03,980 --> 00:17:05,383 [dramatic music] 460 00:17:05,383 --> 00:17:06,385 Spade? 461 00:17:06,385 --> 00:17:09,491 That dude is, like, obsessed with eating me. 462 00:17:09,491 --> 00:17:11,395 Max! There you are. 463 00:17:11,395 --> 00:17:12,798 [gasps] 464 00:17:12,798 --> 00:17:15,571 Wait, Max. Hold on. Max! 465 00:17:15,571 --> 00:17:16,573 [tires squeal] 466 00:17:18,309 --> 00:17:19,144 Max! 467 00:17:19,277 --> 00:17:22,751 No way, Spade, you are not gonna eat me! 468 00:17:22,751 --> 00:17:24,555 Uh-uh! - Where the hell did he go? 469 00:17:24,555 --> 00:17:26,391 Maxie? 470 00:17:29,899 --> 00:17:31,201 [angelic chorus] 471 00:17:31,201 --> 00:17:34,742 Move over, kid. This pig's on the lam. 472 00:17:35,409 --> 00:17:37,815 Let's just keep our hands and hooves above the blanket. 473 00:17:37,915 --> 00:17:39,317 I'm not into anything weird. 474 00:17:39,317 --> 00:17:41,589 Golden Buddha statue? 475 00:17:41,589 --> 00:17:43,359 Golden Buddha statue! 476 00:17:43,359 --> 00:17:46,398 Where are you, golden Buddha statue? 477 00:17:46,398 --> 00:17:48,837 Max? Max! 478 00:17:48,837 --> 00:17:50,674 - [gasps] - Aah! 479 00:17:50,674 --> 00:17:52,611 [tires screech] 480 00:17:52,611 --> 00:17:54,515 [gasps, whimpers] 481 00:17:54,615 --> 00:17:56,018 What do I do? 482 00:17:56,018 --> 00:17:58,823 Guess I could make this look like a suicide? 483 00:17:58,823 --> 00:18:00,727 No, that's the old Spade. 484 00:18:00,727 --> 00:18:03,432 Let's get you to the vet. 485 00:18:04,034 --> 00:18:05,671 [rubble clatters] 486 00:18:08,042 --> 00:18:10,681 [clanking, rattling] 487 00:18:10,681 --> 00:18:11,816 Aah! 488 00:18:11,816 --> 00:18:14,822 ♪ ♪ 489 00:18:14,822 --> 00:18:16,091 Watch out! 490 00:18:16,091 --> 00:18:17,594 - Aah! - [screams] 491 00:18:20,066 --> 00:18:23,138 It's okay. I'm David Spade. 492 00:18:23,138 --> 00:18:25,276 You guys, I need help. Someone hit this poor dog. 493 00:18:25,276 --> 00:18:27,447 I'm pretty sure it was Rob Schneider. 494 00:18:27,447 --> 00:18:30,787 Help! My dogs have Human-Centipeded themselves. 495 00:18:30,787 --> 00:18:32,891 Can't you get anything right? 496 00:18:32,891 --> 00:18:35,998 Human Centipede is mouth to tush. 497 00:18:35,998 --> 00:18:40,206 I am sorry I'm not perfect, Mom! 498 00:18:40,206 --> 00:18:42,143 'Course I did it wrong. [chuckles] 499 00:18:42,143 --> 00:18:44,548 Well, I'll tell you what you did wrong. [chuckles] 500 00:18:44,548 --> 00:18:45,984 The Holidays, huh? 501 00:18:45,984 --> 00:18:49,324 [both laugh] 502 00:18:50,627 --> 00:18:53,198 [chimes tinkle] 503 00:18:54,669 --> 00:18:58,042 [gasps] Golden Buddha-Dog. I did it! 504 00:18:58,042 --> 00:19:00,781 Wait, did I? - [sniffs] Honey? 505 00:19:00,781 --> 00:19:02,250 Chief? 506 00:19:02,250 --> 00:19:05,590 Honey? [giggles] Is it you? 507 00:19:05,691 --> 00:19:08,897 Or is that a different you that I think is you 508 00:19:08,897 --> 00:19:10,132 but is not you? 509 00:19:10,132 --> 00:19:11,401 Oh, I've never been more glad 510 00:19:11,401 --> 00:19:13,773 to have no idea what you're talking about. 511 00:19:13,773 --> 00:19:16,278 It is you. [grunts] 512 00:19:16,278 --> 00:19:18,650 I'm so sorry I ruined everything. 513 00:19:18,650 --> 00:19:19,919 No, I'm sorry. 514 00:19:19,919 --> 00:19:21,221 You were just trying to be you 515 00:19:21,221 --> 00:19:23,092 and I didn't think I liked that. 516 00:19:23,092 --> 00:19:25,831 But I do. I love that! And I love you. 517 00:19:25,831 --> 00:19:28,135 I love you, too, Honey. 518 00:19:28,135 --> 00:19:30,874 I love that you're kind, protective, 519 00:19:30,874 --> 00:19:32,043 smarter than me, 520 00:19:32,143 --> 00:19:34,381 and that you don't want to eat my vomit. 521 00:19:34,381 --> 00:19:37,654 Because I learned something that I think on some level, 522 00:19:37,654 --> 00:19:40,794 you've known all along-- it's gross. 523 00:19:40,794 --> 00:19:43,633 It is, Chief. It is. 524 00:19:43,633 --> 00:19:46,038 [gasps] 525 00:19:46,038 --> 00:19:48,308 [head shatters] - Oh, no! What do I do? 526 00:19:48,308 --> 00:19:50,680 I guess I could make this look like a suicide. 527 00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:53,152 No, that's the old Max. 528 00:19:53,152 --> 00:19:55,022 And it was only once he ran away, 529 00:19:55,022 --> 00:19:58,095 that I realized how much he meant to me. 530 00:19:58,095 --> 00:19:59,999 And if I ever find that pig, I'm telling you, 531 00:19:59,999 --> 00:20:01,536 I'll never put him in my stomach. 532 00:20:01,536 --> 00:20:03,807 [sniffles] Because he's already in my heart. 533 00:20:03,807 --> 00:20:05,677 Oh, Spade! 534 00:20:05,677 --> 00:20:06,913 Max! 535 00:20:06,913 --> 00:20:09,350 [both laughing, crying] 536 00:20:09,350 --> 00:20:12,090 Hey, would you and your pig 537 00:20:12,190 --> 00:20:14,060 like to maybe join us for dinner tonight? 538 00:20:14,060 --> 00:20:18,435 Well, I was supposed to host a star-studded holiday bash 539 00:20:18,435 --> 00:20:20,774 with the cast of "Young Sheldon," 540 00:20:20,774 --> 00:20:21,876 but sure. 541 00:20:21,876 --> 00:20:23,747 [jaunty holiday music] 542 00:20:23,747 --> 00:20:26,986 [laughter] 543 00:20:26,986 --> 00:20:30,159 You're funny. He's funny. 544 00:20:30,159 --> 00:20:32,163 You could do better. 545 00:20:32,163 --> 00:20:34,602 And then the Buddha-Dog statue granted 546 00:20:34,602 --> 00:20:36,071 my magical The Holidays wish. 547 00:20:36,071 --> 00:20:37,875 And suddenly there you were. 548 00:20:37,875 --> 00:20:40,981 Well, I suppose there's no other explanation. 549 00:20:40,981 --> 00:20:43,218 Aw, I'm so glad you're home safe. 550 00:20:43,218 --> 00:20:45,189 Now that you're boring again, 551 00:20:45,189 --> 00:20:47,661 let's celebrate The Holidays 552 00:20:47,661 --> 00:20:52,003 with a nice, big, wet, sloppy nap. 553 00:20:52,003 --> 00:20:53,673 [snores] 554 00:20:53,673 --> 00:20:54,675 I missed this. 555 00:20:54,842 --> 00:20:57,380 Oh, Honey, Honey. Would you mind keeping it down? 556 00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:03,091 - I missed you. - I missed you more. 557 00:21:03,091 --> 00:21:05,496 No, I missed you more. 558 00:21:05,496 --> 00:21:08,603 - Are you almost done? - Ish. 559 00:21:08,603 --> 00:21:15,584 ♪ ♪ 560 00:21:24,100 --> 00:21:26,271 Okay. That's enough for now. 561 00:21:28,041 --> 00:21:29,444 Happy The Holidays, Chief. 562 00:21:29,444 --> 00:21:32,049 Aw, happy The Holidays, Honey. 563 00:21:34,020 --> 00:21:35,891 Bento. [cheers and applause] 564 00:21:37,026 --> 00:21:38,061 That's nice, Jen and Gabby.