[TV static drones]
[bright tone]
[siren wailing]
There's been a national attack.
You've attempted to shield yourself and your loved ones
from the fallout,
but you've likely already been exposed
to the dangerous and harmful effects.
Celebration Edition Juneteenth ice cream from Walmart,
panty liners branded with the slogan,
"It's Always the freedom for me,"
and Claire's "40 Anklets and a Jewel Sale."
That's right.
Corporations have culturally appropriated Juneteenth
more than white people voicing Black cartoon characters.
So, if you want to avoid
the ASOS "Sharecrop Top Blowout Sale,"
there are four steps you must take to protect yourself,
your family, and your wallet from corporate Juneteenth,
[echoing] AKA Doomteenth.
Step one, be prepared.
The companies are going to race-bait you
more than a watermelon dressed up as Chris Evans.
Now, hold on. I like Chris Evans.
That white boy cute.
Without your desire or consent,
they will try to entice you with taglines like...
Or...
So prepare yourself mentally for the B.S.
Fight the urge to save 15%
by remembering,
to many of these corporations,
you're still 3/5.
And while the investigation into "who asked for this?"
remains ongoing, the "who did this?" is clear.
And, yes, they are.
Which brings us to step two--
quit your job.
What you say?
This may sound extreme, but you know someone's gonna
say something stupid to you today like,
"Should we put a Z at the end of Walgreens
instead of an S for Juneteenth?"
So it's best to get ahead of it now.
Don't wait around
for Royal Caribbean
to change their slogan to...
Don't let Kia help you unchain your new whip,
no matter how good the deal is. [tires squealing]
These companies are trying to wipe away years
of institutional racism with one catchphrase,
but the catch is, they basic.
Step three-- I would say stay inside,
but you know we gon' be barbecuing,
so do it anyway,
even in the face of Sweetgreen
trying to sell you the...
♪ Wade in the water ♪
Melon salad.
Or Applebee's telling you to follow
the North Star to appetizers.
And for the vegans,
Impossible trying to lure you with the promise
of non-plantation products,
but they still come from the corporate plantation.
Remember, freedom is not impossible!
[cat screeches]
Which brings us to the final step.
These deals... [laughs]
They gon' be very tempting.
You might not be able to resist
the "Sprint to Freedom Family Plan"
or the "Whip those Cheeks into Shape" sale
at 24 Hour Fitness, but you can't say you weren't warned!
Fortune 500 engagement is just a cash grab
thinly veiled in kente cloth,
and only you can prevent cultural dumpster fires!
These corporations are putting raisins
in your ancestors' potato salad.
Yuck!
Report Juneteenth violations
to the official tip line--
Black Twitter.
Have a happy and safe Juneteenth.
[Doechii's "I Told Em"]
♪ We told 'em we was kings, we showed 'em the machine ♪
♪ I been gave 'em the keys, I been flew overseas ♪
♪ I been knew I'm a queen, I been knew I was free ♪
♪ I told 'em, I told 'em, I told 'em, goddamn ♪
♪ I been whippin' the rolls, I been bookin' the shows ♪
♪ I been takin' the hoes, they been calling me doe ♪
♪ I been pickin' the clothes, I been knew I was gold ♪
♪ I told 'em, I told 'em, I told 'em ♪
♪ Holla, ooh ♪
♪ I told 'em, goddamn ♪
♪ What you told 'em ♪
♪ The funk don't matter if it's not cross chatter ♪
♪ If the Black Lives Matter I would know ♪
♪ What you told 'em, what you told 'em, goddamn ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I would know, what you told 'em ♪
♪ What you told 'em, goddamn ♪
[upbeat hip-hop music]
Hootie hoo!
Bring it in! Yeah, yeah, gather round.
Gather round. Let us see it, whoo!
Let me some of those fresh, crispy turnouts.
All right, now, before we get
into our quarterly pit bull reports,
I think we should welcome
our new gang sign language interpreter,
Edith, with a little blippity blippity...
all: Scat, scat, scat.
Can you say, "I'm the hardest out, cuz"?
- Oh. - Congratulations is in order,
because our morale and our productivity
has been banging ever since we posted up
in this here WeMurk office.
I'm productive than a motherfucker.
So you saying, we ain't gotta tele-bang
when we can hella-hang in person?
[laughter]
- You wild like that. - No!
That's not what I'm saying,
Miss Forgets to CC, Miss Sends Without Attachment.
My bad, you know I'm a snail mail nigga.
One more reply all from you,
and I'ma unsubscribe you from life.
- [gasps] - That means she gon' kill you.
- I know, nigga. - Like a motherfucker.
Unfortunately, Jess ain't the only one messing up.
Some of y'all coming up in here with your flags wrinkled
and your Dickies crinkled.
Yeah, it sound like you sayin',
we should starch before we march
up out the house, huh?
[laughter]
My apologies, Elisa. My iron stopped packing heat.
Hell, no, homey!
You way too important to this motherfucking affiliation
for me to allow you to make any excuses!
I understand what you're saying.
We got a whole-ass corporate dry cleaning account, okay?
Wait, we do?
It was in the "Gang Resources" Slack channel.
Not you slacking on Slack.
Hey, my bad, I didn't check it.
You ain't what? You ain't check?
I mean, damn, what you mean you ain't check?
You know what, what part of "Check yo' Slack every five
to stay alive" don't you understand, Tamra?
What part of this sign don't you wanna fucking understand?
- Huh? - I got it.
- You know what? Ooh! - No, no, don't kill her.
- Oh! - Don't kill her.
The only thing that's getting killt
is her old-ass iPhone 4.
So, here, take this
and just catch up with everybody else, a'ight?
Get plugged in.
That went a different way like a motherfucker.
Now I can finally FaceTime my PO.
All right, so next, we gon' talk about how we gon'
lower our carbon footprint.
- Wootie woo! - What the fuck?
all: Wootie woo!
Speaking of moving feet, this is our turf,
'cause we reserved this space
from 3:15 to 4:00.
4:00, 4:00!
- This look like 12:00. - 4:00!
Are those the hands or the clock?
Hey! Says who, homey?
Tameka! That's who says it.
I'm the head thorn of the Floral Chiefs.
Flippity flippity! all: Blap, blap, blap!
- What the fuck? - Oh, what?
- Whoa! - Hell, nah, nah.
And me, Romaine, the D.O.G.O.,
director of gang operations.
And when Tameka wants a spot, I got it on lock.
And me, Phaedra. I'm in accounts receivable.
And I say we blast these fools.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! Ah, ah, ah, ah.
You know, blasting fools is against murk policy.
Well, well, Reefs,
looks like we forgot to set out Glocks back
to gang-light savings time, you feel me?
That's cool, 'cause I'm finna use that extra hour
to stomp some fools out.
And I'm 'bout to get slap-happy like a motherfucker.
What's your pronoun, fool?
- She/queen. - All right, I respect it.
You ain't intimidating shit.
You know what you need to intimidate?
Your low rates of employee retention.
- Ah! - Hey!
Don't you be worrying about our employee retention, homey.
And don't you be worrying
about motherfucking pronouns, Cabbage Patch head!
What you need to worry about is your ROI being DOA!
You can't intimidate no motherfucking Reef, homey.
You know why?
'Cause we full of motherfucking heart
and we ain't go no emotions left
'cause we been banging on Zoom for the past two years!
You know how hard it is to murk on a shared network?
[chuckles] If you trying to Google Meet, just say that!
Hey, hey, hey!
Is what I would say if I did not just complete
the Murkplace Relations Training.
Third time's a charm.
That's right. That's that good shit.
The Chiefs don't do set tripping anymore
'cause it's against our Diversity and Collusion policy.
Flippity flippity! all: Blap, blap, blap!
Blossom.
The TV show from the '90s with the white lady?
Whoa.
Well, homey, We got a blippity lease
till the end of the motherfucking quarter.
So I guess the Floral Chiefs gon' have
to replant their Dickies somewhere else.
You feel me?
Hey, yo, Elisa, we could murk these fools no doubt,
or we could take a late lunch, you know,
focus on team building,
get back to our core values or whatever,
let them have they 45.
You know what? I'm real proud of you--
taking your mediation techniques to heart.
Plus, I got some jerk chicken
in the motherfucking microwave waiting on me.
- Yeah, go get a snack. - Wow, cuz.
- Progress. - You doing that leader shit.
Yeah, while we're here, you can use the whiteboard,
as long as we can scan some papers
for our tele-murking homegirls that are up in the pen.
I Xerox with that.
[laughter]
You know what? I'm really we was able to squash this
before shit got real "per my last email" in this bitch.
[laughter]
For the first time in banking herstory,
two colors are gonna blend together to create a new color.
- That's right. - Pur-peach.
- Hey, hey, hey! - What up, homey?
Some mark-ass buster blocked me in like a motherfucker.
Regulators, mount up!
Let's go!
[dramatic hip-hop music]
[screaming]
[light music]
[French accent] Bonjour.
I am Noémie Marceau.
I play Elisa in the Coral Reefs gang, oui.
And, uh, quelle surprise...
[chuckles] Just like the fries,
the kiss, and the Montana, I am French.
Oh, what inspiration do I pull from my real life?
Well, I was born with the baguettes for legs, oui, oui?
[laughs] And, um...
[electricity buzzing]
[laughs] Oh.
Where was I? Oh.
I must have gotten my wires croissants.
[laughs] Oh, Jean-Claude Van damn it.
Nothing in my mind is éclair.
[thunder rumbling]
Oh, you are gonna love everybody here...
but Bobby--everybody hates him.
And that is the vodka and Alizé kegerator.
Oh. Mm, nice.
Oh, good morning, Bobby.
You know, this is why I took this job.
The insurance covers health, dental, and DUIs.
Oh, sure does, and let me introduce you
to my work wife Saizon.
You're gonna love her as much as I do.
We've been cubicle mates five years.
[whispering] That's 30 in office years.
[normal voice] Hey, work wife!
Daphne!
How dare you show your face here
after you jammed my printer?
- No. - Agh!
Damn it, Saizon!
I can never live up to your expectations.
I'm sorry I'm not her.
[all gasp]
Ay, no. [gasps]
I would never ask you to be employee of the month!
I just want you to be loyal.
Who... is...she?
[dramatic music]
I--
I'm Shyla, the new district directives director.
I'll be dissecting the D2D disintermediate
distribution drivables.
- Oh! - Ooh.
Are you training someone else, Daphne?
♪ ♪
I am, but, of course, I wouldn't have to
if you did your job.
[gasps]
♪ ♪
Do you expect me to allow you to bring another woman
into our marital spreadsheets?
I like to use Google Sheets to aggregate backend data,
if that's what you're into.
See, Shyla can bring a little spice to the break room.
♪ ♪
You...
bastard!
- [grunts] - No.
- Ay! - No.
- [growls] - Ay!
- Look at me. - [clears throat]
Hey, Daphne, I got a package for you.
This time, it isn't broken... [objects shatter]
I think.
Oh, Cliff, you can break my box anytime.
Speaking of precious cargo, how is your wife, Cliffard?
Is she dead yet?
No, she--she couldn't be better, actually.
We're expecting baby number six.
Four more, and we get our own show on TLC.
So... [giggles]
[object shatters] Oh.
- [all gasp] - Sounds fragile.
Oh, those packages are broken...
[objects shatter] Just like my heart!
[gasps]
I can't...
Ah!
[grunts]
- Stand you. - Ah!
Ah!
Daphne, how about you and I take a beat
and regroup to figure out how we could self-drive
our quarterly yearnings?
My heart is broken. Call 911.
Ooh, Shyla, we can't.
Saizon is already plugged into my U-S-Booty port.
[moans]
Daphne.
♪ ♪
My tongue can go south of the border, too.
No, I will take everything with me.
- Oh! - I will take the paper clips.
- I will take the mug! - Por favor!
I want it all.
♪ ♪
Not the succulent.
We raised it together. I was its mother.
No, you were my work wife!
No, I was your work wife.
¿Qué?
[both gasping]
[shrieking]
- Mandalay? - Yes.
I thought you was dead.
- Or moved to accounting. - I'm back.
And now, Daphne, will you
be my work wife till layoffs do us part?
Will Daphne say yes to Shyla?
Will Saizon ever wake up?
Will UPS Cliff realize
his fly was down the whole time?
Find out next week on...
"The Bold and the Cubicle."
You better be a treasure and not a Pandora's box, okay?
'Cause I don't have the time nor the energy
to be waking up spirits.
[grunts]
[sighs] Okay.
[squeals, gasps, laughs]
Oh, I knew resisting the urge to steal my neighbors' packages
would bring me good karma one day.
Hey, Shawree, I didn't find anything over there,
which is really weird, because according to this map,
this is the exact crash site where the first Black pirate,
Captain Wavy Jones, lost his treasure.
You having any luck?
- Is--is that a treasure chest? - What?
Girl, no, that's my lunch.
Look at you, always trying to steal people's food and stuff.
That's why I should have ditched your little hungry ass
back in the fifth grade.
We can't be friends no more, and we definitely can't split
half of whatever it is I did not find.
But I saw gold coins glimmering.
See, I need friends who are happy when I glimmer.
You always trying to steal somebody's shine.
Oh, that negativity, mm-mm--
that's why we can't be friends no more.
Are you about to steal it? What are you, a British museum?
Well, I didn't find anything but some old gum,
so I guess better luck next time.
Come on, not you, too, Andell.
Are you actually gonna lie to me after I watched your cat
for six months and it gave me rabies?
I can see the jewels.
You got more ice on you than a penguin's asshole.
See, it's that critical spirit of yours
that made me end our friendship.
- Think about it. - Look, I'm not gonna be mad.
So just give me the GPS to the VVS, Andell.
- Oh, my God, these old things? - Yeah.
Girl, you know I always be forgetting
to take off my nice jewelry before a treasure hunt.
- Mm-hmm. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- She do be doing that. - Yeah, I be doing that.
No, she do not.
Girl, these are my sleep jewels.
Did you really think I wouldn't realize
that you had on hundreds of thousands of dollars'
worth of jewelry?
You know what your problem is?
[scoffs] You always trying to accuse people of being broke.
What?
Some of us got ruby money, boo, and you're just jealous.
And this is why we can't be friends no more.
Yeah, I mean, maybe you're having
trouble with your vision, so let's do a test.
How many gold rings am I holding up?
You don't got it like that.
You know what? I hate to bring things up,
because I'm not really a tit-for-tat kind of girl,
but last week, remember when you needed to borrow $5
to get a Slurpee because your card was declined?
both: Wow!
Wow, you holding a grudge... both: Over a Slurpee?
You must like going on treasure hunts
'cause you digging right now.
And I'm not even trying to play the victim.
I'm just being real here. both: Wow.
Whenever you guys are done. both: Wow.
You know what? This is getting too weird for me.
So I'ma just head home, okay?
Some of us have work in the morning.
[yawns]
Oop.
You're literally making it rain uncut gems.
Why are you guys lying to me?
both: Wow!
Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow!
- ShamWow! - You know what?
Maybe you should find a friend who tells the truth.
Maybe.
'Cause me and my previously acquired jewels
are out of here, okay?
[upbeat music]
I like that idea, girl.
You know, you wouldn't even know about this place
if I hadn't told you about the legend of Captain Wavy Jones!
Excuse me, boo.
And, Shawree, it's me or the treasure.
What's it gonna be?
I cannot with you
and your dramatic speeches anymore, okay?
Another reason why we are no longer friends.
Bye! Andell, wait up!
Can I get a ride?
I would love to stop at the bank,
and I want to call my lawyer.
Wow.
And to think I was really gonna split $100 million with them
after I found out I won the lottery.
Oh, well, my all-white seafood cruise awaits.
[dramatic music]
I can't remember who I am.
It is like a bra that's too tight.
My mammary is crushed!
Am I--
[American accent] Karlie Chanel, motivationalist,
inspirationalist or...
[straining] Ally's overly concerned friend or...
[high-pitched voice] Maybe she was in need of support.
I knew I shouldn't have lubricated
their sensors with shea butter.
♪ ♪
[animal trumpets]
[laughter, indistinct chatter]
This is it, Teniece,
your 75th hip-hop dance audition.
No callbacks.
Today we make history.
History? [scoffs]
Brickhouse is here to shake some ass and get famous.
Yes!
Kitty Kitty Boom Boom is here!
Now, dancers, my choreography to the number-one rapper
Lil' Plea Deal's opus,
"Pussies Poppin', Bodies Droppin',"
requires you to bring your best,
'cause if you don't walk up out of here with a herniated disc,
you ain't dancing hard enough!
You gotta pop, lock, and drop dead.
- From the top! - [breathing shakily]
Girl, if you ain't doing the Nae Nae, put your hand down.
Miss Kitty Kitty Boom Boom, ever since I was a little girl,
I dreamed that my dancing would change the world.
So, if you can just give me my motivation for this piece,
I promise you that I will soar.
- Your motivation... - Yes.
- Is to grab your pussy... - Grab it.
Then grab your titties, and do it for the Kitty.
- All right? - Yes.
- You got it, ladies? - Got it.
Hey, yo, Daddy's home.
[all screaming] How you doin'?
I love when bitches get excited.
What's up, what's up, what's up, what's up?
Shut the fuck up.
Now, look, I'm just a regular billionaire rapper.
I'm just like you, just got anger issues and shit.
I don't want none of y'all to be nervous or nothing, okay?
Just picture everybody in the room naked,
being soaked in a barrel of acid,
so we won't find their bodies.
Thank you for that motivation, Mr. Deal.
Yeah, you welcome, sweetie.
B-Brickhouse don't motivate with words.
She motivate with ass.
- I like that, cool. - Thank you.
Okay, ladies, let's go from the top
and show Mr. Deal what we've been working on.
Cue the music!
Five, six, seven, eight.
And jump and down, get it, down!
Walk it, get it up.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Slap it and walk.
Walk and twirl it around, and knee, knee, knee, knee.
Throw it back, throw it forward, throw it back.
I would have sex with you. Yes, I would.
Pop that pussy.
Smooth it out, smooth it out, fight that bitch in the face.
- Cut the music! - [giggles]
Just call me lint, because I am in the pocket.
No, the boom is not cacking,
and the ass cheeks are not clapping.
Nah, nah, nah, nah, she cool.
- What? - [gasps]
Thank you, Mr. Deal.
Now that I know who you are,
I love you so much. [giggles]
You're too kind, ho.
You keep talking to me like that,
you might be my next leading lady/alibi.
No way, Brickhouse been practicing
her perjury and pussy pops!
Less talking and more twerking!
- Okay. - Cue the music!
This is your moment, Teniece.
What do you want to see, Lil' Plea Deal?
Man, I ain't really feeling most of these bitches.
I like her, and I like her. I want to see them together.
Brickhouse and Chocolate Nutcracker,
to the center.
It's a dance-off! Brickhouse!
[dancers cheering]
It's a nice jiggle.
all: Hey, hey!
Misty Nopeland, let's see it!
Pop that pussy for real!
Oh, okay, it's a little jiggle.
- It's a little jiggle. - It's just enough.
Well, you better bring something.
My sugar daddy taught me this.
[dancers cheering]
Hey, hey, hey. Hey, yo, cut the music.
- [record scratches] - That's right.
Shit. Hey, yo, Easter tights, you're perfect, ma.
What's that thing you're doing called?
- Her? - It's called an assemblé.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, we talking ass play now?
- [giggles] - You can play with my ass.
- Yeah, a'ight. - It's fine.
You got a getaway car?
No, but I've got a Razor scooter.
Listen, I love the way you move.
- You on that new shit. - It's actually very old.
- Kitty Kitty? - Yes.
Play something sexy
'fore I kill you and your whole family.
Ain't no thing. They're already all dead.
My mom, my granny, my brother,
even my cat señor Whiskers, all died in a cyclone.
My ass can make a cyclone.
Brickhouse, you're embarrassing yourself.
Cue the music!
- You ready to shine? - Yes.
♪ Baby, I love... ♪
Yeah, I like you.
Oh, you making me dizzy.
Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh.
All she doing is spinning around in circles.
You know, I did something like this in 1998
in a Broadway play-- "My Husband Has Rats."
I would have choreographed that if I knew you wanted it.
Turn around, bend over. Let me see something.
- Come back up. - Ooh!
Ooh, I like that, look-it. Lean on me, baby.
Lean on me for support.
- That's just a soutenu. - I like soup, too.
You so delicate, you like if a daisy had eyeballs.
- Oh, my God. - If this is what you like...
- I love this. - "Love"?
Sweetheart, come up. Come here.
You don't belong on the floor. You a queen.
Keep your head up.
[soft music]
Put this on my books.
But you're not in jail.
Not yet.
My bulletproof Tahoe awaits.
- Is that my paper? - Let's get out of here, mami.
I want to see you walk one more time.
I love to watch you leave, girl.
I love to watch you leave.
By the way, none of you bitches is hired.
- That shit was weak. - That's it!
Brickhouse going back to scamming niggas on Instagram!
That yellow motherfucker didn't pay me!
[electricity buzzing]
[animal trumpets]
Oh, my Nubioids are starting to remember,
and we cannot have that.
See, see, see, after my king, Supreme Rahmeek,
rightly made me give up the presidency,
I became a stay-at-home supervillain!
That's right, barefoot and plotting on how to give birth
to an army of super Pan-African androids
to take over the world.
I'd already had success with my first wave.
[beeping] Ain't that right, Elisa?
[whirring]
That's right.
Blippity blippity.
Scat, scat, scat.
It doesn't even make sense.
I just programmed her to say that.
You can read more about my genius
in my new pre-"New York Times"
best-selling self-published book,
"What to Decept When You're Decepting
"and Other Ways Females Can Take Over the World
Without Disrespecting Their Kings."
You know what?
As Supreme Rahmeek tells me all the time,
quit all that talking!
Matter of fact, you shouldn't even be see, see, seeing this.
[animals trumpeting, growling]
- I'm over here. - I'm over here.
But now I'm over here.
Well, guess what. I'm under here.
My outfit ain't even that bad though.
I just feel like it's a wrinkle here, wrinkle there.
Wrinkle fucking everywhere. Give me the beat.
- [beatboxing] - ♪ A wrinkle here ♪
♪ A wrinkle there ♪
♪ A motherfucking wrinkle everywhere ♪
Couldn't be me. [cackles] It could.
Why are you whispering? Just say it with your chest!
You got declined! both: Wow!
[both grunting]
- [whines] - ¿Por qué?
- Yo no sé.
No, no sé.
Ah, hija de puta madre!
Ay! Oh.
Wait, what, you ain't-- what the mother...
fuck!
both: Wow!
Wow, wow, wow!
Huh!
Relax, I'm trying to do something special
with my new bitch.
Been doing développés since I developed titties.
I don't mind taking a bullet.
Where is your HR department?
Because this is sexual harassment.
- You're standing in it. - Saizon!
Did you ever even love me?
[high-pitched voice] Yes, Saizon love you.
You're gonna believe a plant?
[bright tone]