Not the result he would have wanted to sign off with,
but now it's time to celebrate the wonderful career
of a man who has changed football in this country for ever.
Ladies and gentlemen, please show your appreciation
for the greatest manager in this club's proud history.
Our manager,
the Gent from Genoa,
or, as we simply know him round these parts.
Cesare!
Nessun Dorma by Giacomo Puccini.
I want to say just one thing to you tonight.
To the team management,
to the players,
and of course the fans.
Fuck you!
You cunts!
Fuck you! And fuck you!
Fuck you! And fuck you all!
Ungrateful son of a bitch!
You cunts!
And you cunts! And you cunts! And all of you cunts!
Fuck you! And fuck this place!
Andatevene a fanculo!
Not exactly what I was expecting.
Maybe it means something different in Italian.
Aguero!
Wow. What a night!
I mean, that was...
That was crazy!
See those customers crying?
And Cesare
I mean, what a guy.
Still...
Never see him again, so fuck him, am I right?
Oh, God, look at these faces.
It's like a bunch of glummy bears.
Hey! Bozos!
The future of this club starts now.
Yes. I've already spoken with a number of world-class managers
about taking over.
Oh, now I've got the attention of the Frenchies.
Unfortunately, the majority of them felt that
I treated Cesare so badly by sacking him mid-season
that they "wouldn't dream of working here" end quote.
So, where does that leave us?
I think it's common knowledge
that the club finances are suboptimal at the moment.
So, I've decided to promote from within.
Someone who is definitely a cheaper option
but also may be the right one.
I am delighted to announce the new caretaker manager of the club is
Chris Booth.
Yeah. Chris, all yours, buddy.
Don't screw things up or I'll sack you too.
Ha! Thanks, Mr Crane.
Mr Chairman. Yeah.
Ahhh...
Well, first and foremost, guys, I'd just like to say
this is an honour...
Motherfuckers!
It's an honour to serve this club as we start this next chapter.
I honestly think
that we have one of the... Fucking Chris! Chris Booth!
Chris! We're all emotional, yeah, about Cesare leaving.
I get it, yeah?
So I'm... I'm going to try
a few new ideas in training...
For fuck's sake! Actually, does someone want to
go and check on Petey?
No?
No? Sure. OK, anyway... That twat!
So... Ah, the big thing is that I've arranged
I've...
He's stopped. Right. So what I've arranged...
Great. So, I've arranged something a little bit special.
Yes, Pascal?
Is it some prostitutes?
No. Not that.
So, I've managed to get a top sports psychologist
to come and work with us here,
and booked appointments for all squad members
over the next few weeks.
Yes, Benji? Boss. Grrr! Benji...
Yes, this goes for all of you, actually.
Although I am "the boss"... still Chris.
OK, then, boss.
Chris... Go on. Yeah, go on.
Why do I have to see a shrink?
The only thing crazy about me is my skills!
And the fact that you still live with your mum.
Well...
Actually... could someone check on Petey?
Arggh! Chris fucking Booth!
Boothie's all right. He's soft but he's all right.
He might even play us more.
I think we need to be careful. The club's a shitshow.
My opinion, we're better off staying out of the firing line for now.
What, you don't want to get picked? Oh, sure.
We all want to play football, mate that's an important aspect
of our careers. Hate to break it to you,
but we're professional footballers. Playing football is the only aspect of our careers.
What about your brand? I don't have a brand.
Bro, everyone needs a brand these days.
Yours could be the Born-Again Virgin brand.
Born-Again Virgin Airlines. Born-Again Virgin Trains.
I'm more than a footballer, and I'm making sure the people know that.
By sitting on the bench tweeting?
I ain't doing that. I got someone to do it for me. Social media manager.
He's going to blow up my followers,
then we're launching the Benji-brand goods.
"Everything for the man who still lives with his mum."
Oh, shit. I'm late. For what?
Pointless talk with the psychologist.
Now, it will be tough, but do remember,
you really just have to stop the ball, OK,
ever - and I do mean ever - going past you.
Yeah? Good luck.
Jack Turner.
Can I just say, there is nothing more exciting for us fans
than seeing talent from the academy break into the first team.
Cheers. You're a fan?
Certainly am. Now, I'll just get you to sign this.
Is this a test?
It can be. Yeah.
Make that out to Graham and we'll see how you get on.
That's your name. Could be anyone's name.
It... It is my name. Yes, yeah.
Oh...
Oh... That's great. Right, cheers. Is that it?
Oh, no. Um, let's talk about the tremendous pressure you're under.
What? The fans here are so close to the pitch
you must be able to hear every comment about your performance.
To be fair, I can actually, yeah.
Yeah, and as the future of this team,
I mean, these people's hopes and dreams for possibly years to come
will be resting on your shoulders.
Yeah... How you perform
fundamentally affects so many people's lives.
Can I have a glass of water, please?
Mm. Mm.
But it's not just their lives, is it?
It's the lives of people around them as well.
How you play on a Saturday determines whether they go home,
you know, happy, or whether they go home, scream at the kids,
throw the dinner on the floor and kick the dog.
It's incredible pressure.
They kick their dogs?
Well, if you lose, I'm sure they do, yeah.
In fact, I'm certain of it.
Yeah, got the ball rolling already, actually.
Um, a few retweets of interesting articles.
Liking a few other tweets. Just to give people an idea of the brand,
you know, gain new followers and so forth.
OK. I like it. Yeah, it's coming along nicely.
Oh! One of the retweets actually got 150 further retweets,
which is good, and precisely the plan, as discussed.
That's the most I've ever had. Let me see.
Is this it?
Cos the thing you tweeted is an article about how the Earth is flat.
Yes. Yeah, that's what it is.
Yeah, controversial ideas have a high engagement rate,
so it's a good way to get started.
But won't people think that I think the Earth is flat?
Maybe. But retweets aren't endorsements.
What does that mean? Look, it's catching on.
Already up to 200.
But the Earth isn't flat, though, is it? It's round.
Why can we see the horizon, then? Hm?
Why doesn't it just drop away?
Oh, 250.
250's a good number!
Welcome to my world
of being a top professional social media marketing assistant executive.
What's happening? Petey's doing a press conference.
Hang on... Didn't you know?
Yes, of course I knew.
Olivia, press conference.
Yep.
Maybe he's going to retire.
Oh, God, I've never wanted anything more.
Hello. Thanks to everyone for coming.
Can all you fat twats at the back squeeze in?
All right, so... I'm just here to announce
that I am very happy with Chris Booth
being made caretaker manager of this club.
He's absolutely the right choice as an interim manager
and I'm backing him 120% while he's in the job.
I'll take a few questions.
Yes? Petey, you're known as the unofficial leader of the team.
Is that going to change now that Chris is in charge?
People respect me and Chris in different ways.
They're scared of my power and ability,
whereas it's not as obvious that people respect him,
because mostly they take the piss behind his back.
Let me be clear, though.
The job could have gone to either of us, and if it had gone to me,
as many say it should have, I have no doubt
that Chris would support me... as the better player
with a better record and more of a footballing brain. Yes?
Petey, how did you feel when you heard Chris was the manager?
Happy.
No, seriously. Happy.
Like, with a smile. Happy like that.
You're shaking your head. You think maybe I thought,
"That's mental. I'm the clear choice. I fucking deserve this"?
Then chucked my phone against the wall
before smashing out a set of heavy bench press, or something?
No, mate. Happy. Yes?
He don't seem happy.
So, he didn't scare you, then?
Scare me? Why would a sports psychologist scare me?
We spoke to them all the time in the US.
No, it was the standard shit about what I want,
how I'm going to achieve it.
Did you have to mention being a born-again virgin?
I didn't, because it's not a thing.
Shut up, Virgin van Dick.
Oh, shit, here he comes.
New manager's first team sheet.
OK, sorry to keep you all in suspense.
We'll do the team in a moment.
Firstly, Petey, could I just have a quick word in private?
No. Sorry?
No, you can't.
But I need to talk to you.
No. OK. Well, then, I'll have to tell you here...
La-la-la-la-la-la. Not listening!
That although I'm dropping you for this match,
I'm happy to bend the truth and say that you're injured.
You'll be injured, mate! I'll break your fucking nose!
Yeah, I didn't expect you to be happy, but...
Fuck off, you prick-face!
I've slammed that!
OK. Right, here's the team.
Jack, you're in.
And because Petey is "injured", we're going to drop a centre back,
switch in a right back, so
Mattie gets his first start. Well done, Mattie!
Hey! Well done, boys!
This is amazing!
We're under tremendous pressure.
New dawn. New manager. Cup game.
Don't get better than this. Come on!
I might not have been picked but I'm having a great day too.
Getting way more likes than before.
Oh, well done. You've achieved something of no value.
You know when we play tonight,
there's going to be loads of people looking at us?
That is honestly the only reason we are playing.
Yeah, but what will they think? Are they going to be judging everything we do?
Yes, of course they will. You know that. That's what football is, mate.
What if their dinner's ruined, though?
Right, get out there,
my brilliant boys!
Listen, I'll get Brian to tweet a good-luck GIF.
But also... good luck.
Oh
I need a piss.
Come on, Jack. You got this.
What if they kick the dog, boss?
Chris. Come on!
Wah! All right, Mattie?
You got your boots on.
Play shit, or I will kill you...
But if I'm shit, we might lose.
Play shit, or you are dead.
And I mean dead. Not just "playing with the Under-21s" career dead.
Actually dead.
But... the team...
You're in my place.
It's mine.
Have a great game.
By which I mean... a shit game.
3-0 the final score. Out of the cup.
And that's an inauspicious start
to caretaker manager Chris Booth's reign.
Well done. Perfect.
Better than perfect.
Oh... OK.
Well, lots of positives to take from that.
If you ignore the fact you just lost 3-0 to a team of postmen.
Give us a minute, Petey.
Obviously, that wasn't the result we were looking for,
but I saw plenty to be encouraged by out there.
Was it Mattie's first or second own goal that was most encouraging?
Please, Petey
Rome wasn't built in a day.
Right? From tiny shoots grow mighty oaks.
Inspirational stuff.
You can get a job at Clintons Cards after they sack you.
Agh...
You OK, bud?
I'm... so sorry.
You put your faith in me for your first game,
and I completely let you down.
Hey... So we got knocked out of the cup
by a team three divisions below us,
you scored two own goals
and I'm an embarrassment.
Yeah, the wife won't let me near her tonight, that's for sure!
Dear... Sorry. No, no, no.
No, what I'm saying is that tonight's no different
to any other night, really.
Nothing's really changed.
We lost, but you're still a great player
and I still sleep in the spare room, so keep that chin up, OK?
Well, that sucked!
Right, listen up.
We owe those consumers out there,
and we are going to make it up to them.
I agree. They came all this way to watch that shitshow.
We need to apologise.
By buying them a pint. Yes, exactly! Like...
Like metaphorically buying them a pint.
By literally buying them a pint. In a pub.
We're going to go to the pub behind the west stand tomorrow
and buy any fans that show up a pint of beer.
And I'm calling it.
"Mattie Sullivan's Pints of Sorry Night."
Well, don't call it that.
Well, don't score multiple own goals, then.
Imagine all the positive headlines it'll generate.
Plus, I've never been to a pub, so it'll be kind of fun for me.
And this is mandatory,
so I expect every single one of you to show up.
Oh, that isn't a good idea you've come up with, is it?
It wasn't my idea. It sounded like your idea.
Paulo, Frankie, you're off the hook,
cos your agent seems pretty annoyed by the whole thing.
And you too, Lee.
And Jeremy, Pascal, Davide, Luiz...
OK, hands up whose agent has not got them out of it?
Good. Thank you, boys.
Knew I could count on you.
Give me a minute. He hasn't replied yet.
Excuse me. Social media marketing executive coming through!
Well done, Benji. Better not to play in that mess.
Mattie, if you need some advice dealing with your disaster,
I've been studying social media my whole life.
You haven't been studying it your whole life, have you?
I literally have.
You literally haven't.
You've not been academically researching social media
from birth, have you?
Yes, I have.
And after a game like that, whatever you do, don't go on social media.
Don't go online at all. Not even to order a pizza.
Pretty sure I'll be safe to order a pizza.
You won't be. And that's me saying that,
as someone who's studied social media my whole life.
OK. Well, we already established that that's not the case.
Just block it out.
It'll be the only thing he's blocked all night.
If it makes you feel any better,
he wasn't the only one having a stinker out there.
Jack was shit too.
Yeah, it's not my fault. I could hear the crowd.
You can always hear the crowd! There's thousands of 'em.
Yeah, but what about their poor kids?
Look, bit of professional advice.
Gratis, yeah?
I think you should stay off the internet for... at least a week.
Listen to the man. He just got me 1,000 likes on Instagram.
Yeah? What for? A selfie?
A link for an article about how they spray stuff from planes.
To stop the people from thinking.
If anyone should be kept off the internet, it's him.
I'll be fine.
"If you die in your sleep, you'll be the first player to be commemorated"
"with a minute's booing. #Sleep tight."
7,000 likes for a death threat. Really?
#Best fans in the world.
"What a fucking useless Yank."
"If I were you, I'd move back there before I kick the shit out of you."
I'm not scared of keyboard warriors.
"You're scared of everything else, mate."
Come and meet me, then. You know where the training ground is.
"I will. I'll fucking smash you into next week for destroying my club."
Yeah?
Well, don't forget your keyboard, Keyboard Conan.
So I can ram it up your ass.
"Fucking homophobe."
Nothing homophobic about it.
Straight people have asses too.
"And you're talking out of yours."
You're fucking dead, man!
"Say that without crying."
"Or scoring an own goal."
Went online, yeah? Yep.
Well, I think we've still got a long way to go but we've made a start,
and, do you know, that's amazing,
especially considering the resistance we began with.
You tell anyone I was in here and I'll tell the club you're a nonce.
Discretion is my middle name.
It fucking better be!
Well, as Petey was saying earlier...
Petey Brooks was in here?
Oh... Do you know, maybe don't mention that to anyone.
Anyway, as Petey was saying,
you players sometimes feel a little lost.
I couldn't play, I just couldn't. Yeah. You were terrible.
I was just so worried, cos, like you said,
what if their dinner's ruined just because I missed a tackle?
Well, OK, I... maybe said something sort of along those lines,
probably not exactly that.
I had your voice in my head the whole time.
You know "Screw this up and they're going to go home and kick the dog."
And I just... froze.
OK. Er...
Here's the thing, Jack.
Um, I really, really like this job.
Yeah? Yeah. And I suppose I
just worry that if you were to tell Chris Booth about, you know,
what we've been talking about and how that's affected your game
that I might not have this job any more.
Yeah. Yeah. So...
OK, what we're going to do - number one,
don't mention to Chris about why your game's dropped off.
Christ, don't write it down, Jack.
Er, and then, number two
maybe go to this event at the pub later, meet the fans.
I think you'll find that most fans of this club, like myself,
aren't as scary as all that and don't think badly of you at all.
What if they do? What if they hate me?
Well, consider that exposure therapy. OK, you're welcome.
Don't write it down!
Folks, thanks for coming.
As you know, some of the main culprits
from our horrific loss are here tonight.
And even though the really top players in the club
managed to get out of attending,
I think you will find that these guys are very apologetic.
And also, I am delighted to announce that if you attended that game,
we will reimburse your ticket and travelling expenses.
Yeah, and that's upon presentation
and acceptance of officially recognised receipts.
Payments may take up to 90 days to process.
We reserve the right to withhold payment for any reason.
OK, so... let's have a lovely pinta.
These are on me!
Maximum two drinks per person. No premium spirits. Huh?
What the fuck were you thinking?
Well, as I keep saying, I am very sorry,
and hopefully you're enjoying the drink that we're buying you.
What are you going to drink? Oh, I don't really drink.
Then what are you doing in a pub?
You're meant to be having a drink with us fans.
OK. Sparkling water, please.
Oh, a proper drink with the fans. Come on.
One pint can't make you play any worse, can it?
Or is it you hate us so much
you won't even drink with us?
OK, OK, fine.
Er, lager, then, please. Yeah.
It's all right, this, you know.
I mean, it'd be better if some of the good players were here, but
it's a nice little touch. Right. Sure.
Oh, my days! Is that Petey Brooks?
Oh, no, Petey's not coming.
It's just us for another 47 minutes or so.
It is! That's fucking Petey Brooks, mate!
What's he doing here?
Being a legend. Here, get that down you.
Oh, Mr Chairman! May I shake your hand?
Nah.
You were so dozy, I couldn't believe it. Could not believe it.
Yeah? Sorry about that.
What did you do after the game, just out of interest?
Well, I was pissed off. It was a long journey home,
I can tell you that. Shit, yeah. Yeah.
Had a few beers on the train, got back and saw the wife.
And hit her? What? No, course not.
We laughed about how many years I've been watching you lot lose,
and then we watched Line Of Duty and nothing seemed so bad.
Have you got a dog? Yes.
He's the light of my life now the kids have gone. Here.
Let's get a quick selfie and then I'll leave you alone, Jack.
Cheers.
I think this might actually be all right, you know.
42 minutes to go.
So, the story is, there's this geezer, right,
that was absolutely mad.
He used to boast about giving his brother a blow job.
Who are you talking about? Some bloke I used to play with.
Who does he play for now? He's in a mental home now. Gentlemen
you all know Mattie Sullivan, right? Two-goal hero.
What are you doing here?
I had a chat with the psychologist. And this is my team,
whether I'm playing or not.
We win together and we lose together.
Really? Yes.
And there's no better way of getting the message out there,
like actually talking face-to-face to the fans.
Yes, that's exactly what I think. And my message is
that Chris Booth is shit.
Sorry? Mattie here is a good lad who says he's sorry.
And I tell you what - I think it's not his fault. Thank you, Petey.
It's Chris Booth's fault for playing him. Well, I don't know...
And he said he could down a pint quicker than anyone.
Do we want to see that?!
I don't really drink, so... Come on.
Come on, then. Jesus Christ. Fine.
Get it down.
Mattie! Mattie! Mattie! Mattie! Mattie!
I was just saying that Chris doesn't know what he's doing,
and Mattie agrees.
Mattie knows he wasn't ready for that game.
He knows Chris is useless.
Oh, nearly finished.
Listen, guys, Chris is...
Out of his depth. I agree. No, he's...
Going to get us relegated. That is also possible.
Is he really that bad, mate? No, just let me finish.
My playing career, if I keep getting coached by Chris Booth
Mattie, you're so right. Sad.
Told you! We're fucked!
Look, cheers for your honesty, yeah, Matt?
Bright boy, that one. Went to university,
and is a born-again virgin. Hm.
Thanks for the support, man.
And don't forget to follow me on Twitter and Insta. I already do.
Yeah, to be totally frank, I don't really like football,
but I heard you were here and I had to meet you.
We just agree on so much.
You know, we really speak the same language online,
if you understand me. So, you're just a fan of my social media,
not even the football? Yeah. I'd love you to look at my blog.
We could really use someone like you on board.
Oh, a celebrity.
A not-white celebrity.
Yeah, please, check out the page.
Huh? What the fuck is this?
Oh, yeah. These guys. Yeah, they've had a few problems.
Some sort of a link between them and white supremacy groups.
They're fucking what? Oh, they're not violent themselves.
It's more of a philosophical thing.
What the fuck? Where is that piece of shit?
Oh, we have a bigger issue. What, than a Nazi in the pub?
Oh, we call them alt-right now. It's less offensive.
Because you're worried about the Nazis' feelings?
The likes have dried up.
A pub full of losers saying sorry - it's not a great brand.
You're still playing this?
Put 300 quid in this. It's going to pay out soon.
Petey is stirring up shit. He's trying to get the fans
to turn on Chris Booth. Hey, the fans are all right, I think.
So, one of my fans is a fucking Nazi.
What? Brian's been getting me likes for all sorts of weird stuff.
Now this bloke thinks I'm Britain's only black member of the alt-right.
And you're not? Course I'm not!
I've got over 7,000 likes this week.
They can't all be fascists, can they?
Your social media is entirely conspiracy theories
and right-wing propaganda.
Exactly! Something for everyone.
Probably time to let Brian go, isn't it?
I'm going to have to talk to him.
I don't think only appealing to Nazis is a good brand.
Worked for Hitler.
Bro, coming to this pub was a terrible idea of yours.
It's been rough, yeah, but, trust me, after last night
I'm certain it's better to meet the fans face-to-face.
Then you can tell if they're Nazis or not.
For one. All right, lads, cheer up.
The team's shit but at least the chairman's buying the drinks!
I'm joking. Thanks for coming to see us. Takes balls.
Well, I wanted to apologise in person for the other night.
Don't worry about it. Could have happened to anyone.
Especially on their debut. I'd have been shitting myself.
Ha. Thanks. See? Told you the fans are all right.
Mattie, what are you drinking, mate?
Er...
OK. Yeah. Can't hurt.
I'll have another pint of lager.
Lovely. Two Stella, please.
Oh, shut up! Of course it matters more to me than it does to you!
I've sacrificed so much for my career that I'm a born-again virgin.
That's how much I fucking care!
Yes, Stella, please, Steve.
Yeah, but you need to understand that we pay your wages.
That's absolute bullshit!
What? The club pays my wages, not you. It's on my payslip.
And if you mean you bought a season ticket,
then you need to know that season-ticket money
amounts to almost nothing compared to the TV rights money.
So, unless you own either this club or Sky Sports,
you don't pay my wages!
Trouble with you - no fucking bottle.
Know all about the money, nothing about the bottle.
Right. And I suppose you do?
Fucking right I do! Didn't bottle it when that street lamp fell on me.
What? What?
Lamp in the street. Big one.
Street lamp. Fell on me.
Didn't bottle it.
How can you bottle it? It's a lamp.
The only way you could have bottled it would be if the street lamp
had threatened to fall on you and you ran away.
And if I were you, I wouldn't go around telling people
about the chats you've had with various types of outdoor lighting!
What about this, then?
Oh, God!
OK, everyone! It's been a great night,
but it is time for us to leave now - admittedly, four minutes early.
Come on. Wait, wait.
The troll who kept me up all night said he had a hole in his head.
I... I thought it was an expression.
I'm sure it is somewhere. Come on.
You're the prick who's been taunting me, aren't you?
You're Holehead. Yeah. I am. And what of it?
What of it? I haven't slept for two days.
Well, you're a fucking baby, then!
I stand by it. You're shit, mate.
You would think that, cos you've got a serious brain injury, haven't you?
Yeah, I have.
It wasn't a compliment, you fucking idiot! I'm saying you're stupid!
I said I could do you the other night. You keep talking, and I will.
OK, fine. Come on, then!
Go on, Holehead!
Mattie, what the fuck?
Get him off me! He's got superhuman strength!
OK, that's enough. Pub's shut.
No, it isn't. Stop taking videos, please.
Hey, come on. Pack that in now.
Fuck's sake... Help!
Brian, what are you doing? Livestream.
My mate's in trouble here. Don't share that.
This looks like it's going to be your most viewed post ever.
We're on thousands already.
Who pays your wages, eh?
All right. One more minute.
I'm going to fuck you up! Olivia!
You don't like it, do you? Olivia!
Olivia, this is great, right?
We're in the entertainment business. This is entertaining.
Listen, yeah? He attacked a fan. That's not on.
But also, you've got to admire his fighting spirit.
This club needs more of that!
I've had tougher fights.
Street lamp, for one. But he's all right, that kid. He's got bottle.
Yeah, great night.
Great to have Benji Achebe as an ally.