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Good evening, dearest.
My name is Jonathan Robbins, and we're here this evening
to play In It for a Minute, the UK's literary based quiz show.
In It For a Minute!
Let's meet our contestants. Michael, where are you from?
Today's champion, Douglas.
In it For a minute with me, Jonathan Robbins.
Me, Jonathan Robbins.
Jonathan Robbins in Hemingway's The Old Man and the Sea.
Join us once more.
Goodbye.
Today, everybody, I'm witnessed yet another episode of In It For a Minute.
Good bye, everyone.
Great show as usual, Mr. Robbins.
Kind of on autopilot at this point.
Ah, Jonathan.
- Congratulations. - Well, you never wonder down on set.
Nice work, Jonathan.
Come to fire me?
The view is better on the 20th floor.
I wouldn't worry about trying to convince Nicky here that you
spend your time in the office.
OK, that's much better.
Thank you.
How's that young girl you brought to Stanley's party a couple of weeks ago?
She was very bright.
Big university plans, I imagine.
Very, very funny, Jonathan. Very funny.
Well, if she's still around next spring
and you want to impress her, why don't you shut her down to my box floors.
I think I'd prefer my own box at Stamford Bridge, thank you very much.
Well, remind me.
Is it still Russian money making you a decent side?
Or have you sold your soul to the sheikhs? Like city?
I would take your comment seriously
if I thought you cared at all about football.
I can't be blamed for preferring a gentleman's game.
Yes.
It was cricket, I was as antiquated as you are.
Oh, very clever.
All right, listen.
I've just been off with your bloody lawyers.
Give this for them.
At least they're polite while I'm being shafted.
It's a closed deal.
- Congratulations on another season. - Very good.
That makes it what?
It's your 40th season.
I'd love to do that.
God, I must have... I need that call sheet.
Yes. I dare say you're right.
And, well, don't think we're not grateful. We are.
What is the gift for that sort of milestone?
I imagine you'll be getting me something very expensive.
- 40th anniversary is a ruby. - Ruby.
You sign it.
Yes, I'll have my assistant get you a box of chocolates, I think.
From the heart, as always.
Nicky, could you email a copy of it to my assistant?
Too long in the trenches.
The smell of bitter breakfast tea and stale cigarette smoke down here.
Again.
See you again soon.
40 years. Incredible, Jonathan.
You must still have been in nappies when I coasted into my 20s.
But we can't slow down now.
It will be an absolute travesty to lose out to the bloody Americans.
You know, we invented the game show.
- Is that so? - Yeah.
Spelling bee. Absolutely ghastly.
It's only 15 minutes song.
It was first transmitted live from the BBC studios
at Gallipoli, 31st of May, 1938.
Well, let's get you changed.
Hi, Mr. Robbins.
Got your schedule and tomorrow's call sheet.
Make sure you sort out a time for me to get together with Henry O'Connor.
Old friend of mine, has been calling and calling.
I think your schedule frees up at the end of next month.
Really?
Until then?
I don't suppose you want to share a bottle of wine with me?
'76 Moldova.
That sounds amazing, but I've got to get home to Sasha.
The twins can really be a nightmare this time of night.
You are a good man, Benjamin.
Oh, there's a box of fan mail on the dining table.
I've gone through it and thrown out the junk.
Why do they all keep writing to me?
Well, you keep having fans, and thus keep getting fan mail.
I can't believe it myself.
If only they knew how much of a curmudgeon you really are.
I didn't hire you for your sense of humor. Get out of here.
I'll see you tomorrow.
- All right. - Good night.
Threw all the junk.
Very funny, Benjamin.
Well, cheers to me.
And we'll see you again the next time we play In It For a Minute.
Thank you. Bye now.
Bye everyone.
My God! The ghost returns.
- Hey, Nick. - Good to see you, stranger.
- It's been too long. - I know.
- Busier than ever. - Good of you.
So what are you having?
I kept a bottle on the back shelf just for you.
Boys are over there. I'll bring the glass around.
Cheers.
- Gentlemen. - Hello, Johnny.
I can't stay long. I have to get back to town.
Yeah, yeah. Of course.
The life of a big celebrity.
Where's Henry?
Not shagging the cleaner again, is he?
Henry died.
Oh, bollocks.
That's the worst of comedy, Michael.
It's true, Johnny.
- What happened? - Cancer.
Inoperable.
It all happened very quickly.
I know he tried to contact you several times.
He wanted to tell you himself.
When's the funeral?
It was last week.
This is what we kept calling you about.
You never returned the calls.
You should have left a message, just told me.
Well, you've known the guy for 50 years,
and it didn't seem quite the proper thing to leave a message about.
Here you go.
You heard the news about Henry, then?
Shit Everyone's got a time, I suppose.
Anyway, you have to be somewhere far more important.
We just wanted to give you the news.
We'll leave you to it.
I'm sorry.
You know that.
Yeah. Well, let's not pretend.
You've been a non friend for years.
Don't be ridiculous.
Friends don't meet each other once a year out of charity.
There have been times when there was no one else for you.
Do you remember those times?
We were there.
We were family. Henry.
Henry was family.
You should visit Henry's grave.
All Saints Church.
Pay your respects.
You don't show any respects to any of us anymore.
David.
Michael.
See you, Joe.
Should I cork that bottle?
No, bring it up.
I'll drink it.
This is where they brought you.
At least it's pretty here.
I missed your funeral.
Sounds worse when you say it out loud.
Mr. Robbins.
Mr. Robbins?
On in five, sir.
Right.
Please join us next time we play In It For a Minute.
I'm not sure I can recall a moment when I've ever
been so bothered by something.
Your best friend died.
I didn't expect it to hit me this hard.
No one wants the tie.
It is not what people look forward to.
I really have been a terrible friend.
Henry did tell me that last year he missed his birthday drinks
because you was shagging some twice divorcee you just met.
Bloody hell. Sounds worse when you say it out loud.
I suppose that I am finding myself confronting mortality
that you were given to question things.
It was a summary of my life.
Is it a life well lived?
What legacy will I leave behind.
Do you think you wasted your life?
Why would you say that?
That's what most people feel in here.
They talk to me, you know.
The holy union of a bartender and his patron.
A bond of immeasurable confidentiality.
Something like that, yeah.
Confidentially, then.
Yes.
I find myself beginning to question things I haven't questioned before.
Johnny, you've lived a great life. You're rich.
You're famous. What else is there?
I'm a game show host.
You bring joy to many people.
A certain kind of joy that without you...
There will be one less game show.
That's not what I intended to do.
That was never the plan.
I just fell into it all those years ago.
Went to drama school.
Well, we all did. David, Michael.
Dreamed of playing in the theater, going on tour, Shakespeare.
Well, I'll tell you the same thing my dad told me.
If you're not happy, you better fake it
because miserable sods get old real quick.
I'm not sure how inspirational that is.
The man lived and died behind his bar.
What do you expect?
Let me have another one.
Dear Mr. Robbins, I am your biggest fan.
You do not understand what you mean to me.
Even at my age, you are an inspiration to me.
I'm sure you must be the busiest man ever,
but if you end up in Washington, please come visit me.
It would mean the world to me.
Love, Alice.
Jonathan. Pick up the phone, Jonathan.
Has anyone seen Mr. Robbins?
Natasha, have you seen Mr. Robbins?
Guys, have you seen Mr. Robbins?
Funny.
Please tell me you've seen Mr. Robbins.
Anyone?
Where...
Hello, Spencer.
Jonathan, the whole town's looking for you.
You're due in the studio for a live show in an hour.
I'm wondering if I'm not as fulfilled as I thought I was.
Fulfilled? What do you mean?
Well, did you ever think that you've
been coasting along believing that life is perfect,
and yet your memories tell you otherwise?
Perhaps that you've missed something?
Johnny darling, when my father gave me this company,
he did not say your clients will need to feel fulfilled.
He said, your clients will need to make piles of money.
You've just signed a massive contract.
Your 40th year.
It's the easiest job in the world.
Walk on stage, smile, tell a few cheesy jokes.
Easy money.
I have this letter from a child.
- She says I inspire her. - Well, that's great.
We'd all like to inspire future generations.
It caused me to think about things in a way that I haven't before.
I don't like the sound of that.
- It's been said. - You are my agent.
I make you more money than you deserve, so just listen for a moment,OK?
If this little girl was inspired by me, I need to know why.
I need to know what I've done in my life
that she felt compelled to write this.
Well, it would ease my conscience
to know that I've shaped a child in a way
that they might go on to great things.
- Jonathan. - Mr. Robbins.
You need to wrap your call.
We're about to take off.
If you could pop your seat belt on, please.
- Right. - Are you on a plane?
We'll figure it out, Spencer.
Johnny. Jonathan !
Shit.
Welcome to America.
Hello there.
Hello.
Yes. Sorry.
Just fishing up on Herald here.
- Anyway, how can I help? - Finally.
Checking in, Joseph Ray?
You've got an interesting voice.
Are you from Canada?
Certainly not.
Wait a minute.
Are you famous?
Don't tell anyone.
Hell, you're on Downtown Abbey, aren't you?
No. I'm afraid not.
Oh, I could swear it.
- I love that show. - Well, it's a wonderful show.
It is.
Now, about checking in?
Joseph Ray.
Right. I've got you right here.
Joseph Ray, and you've got the one king bed in the whole place.
And let's see. Says here you're with us...
Oh, well that's strange.
It says you forgot to put a checkout date.
Not forgot.
- Just not sure. - I'm sorry.
I keep getting distracted by your voice.
I feel like I'm sitting here having tea with the queen of England.
A week. Let's say a week.
I'll have to charge you a week in advance.
That's fine.
Cash.
- That's fine. - It's $35 a night.
Seven... 35 and seven.
35 times... $270.
Got $140.
Let's see. That's four... 40...
$250. That should cover it.
Oh, OK. Yeah, let's call it that.
Great. OK, Mr Ray.
- I just need to see some ID. - Oh, yes. Of course.
Just a second.
Here we are.
Well, now... so, this says Jonathan Paul Robbins.
And that is not the name I have here on the reservation.
Well, I often use a pseudonym for privacy purposes.
It's a name one uses to be less conspicuous in public places.
Oh, because you're on Downtown Abbey?
Great. OK.
Well, it's just that I can't actually check you in under this reservation
if the name doesn't match the one on the ID.
- And that's a company policy. - OK.
Well, let's forget the reservation under Ray
and put the reservation in my name.
I could fall asleep listening to your voice.
Do you do books on tape?
I would love to listen to your voice just reading.
So let's just go ahead and change the reservation.
Great. I'll have to charge you a cancellation fee.
It's less than 24 hours in advance. It's company policy.
Whatever you need to do to get me into a room in five minutes.
I would be very grateful.
OK. Let's get you into room number, let's see.
Room number three.
So this here's your room key, and the room number is right on there.
And it will be a queen sized bed.
The king was reserved for Joseph Ray.
- Well, thank you very much. - Great.
And is there anything else I can help you with?
Oh, yes. Directions to the nearest pub?
Pub?
My goodness.
Cheerio. Yes.
The bar is about a 10 minute walk.
Dammit.
You here about that taxing?
Just to drink.
Yeah, well, what are you drinking?
I don't suppose you have a burner?
What the hell did you just say?
- Is there a problem here? - I don't know yet.
- We got a problem? - I haven't come for an argument.
Just to drink.
Are you going to order a drink or keep yapping like you're the King of England?
To the point. I like that.
Would you have any red wine in your establishment?
Anything?
The Californian would do.
Cheeky little pinot from Paso Robles?
We got it in a box in the fridge, but I don't know where it comes from.
You want me to check?
- Gin and tonic it is. - Fine.
Hey!
You still pissed we won the war?
If you're referring to World War II, far from it.
We happen to be very grateful for our allies.
I'm talking about the revolution.
Billy, shut your mouth and stop antagonizing my new customer.
He antagonized you first.
Just shut up and drink your beer.
Thank you for that.
You're a long way from home.
Your car break down outside or something?
It's certainly been a universal apropos.
You know, you've been in here for, like, three minutes,
and you've already shown you've got a great talent for making
people seem stupider than you.
Maybe something is lost in translation.
Let's start again.
My name is Jonathan.
You are my bartender.
And as such, you occupy a very sacred position in the scheme of things.
Pleased to meet you...
Ruby.
Your name is Ruby?
That bother you too?
Just ironic, that's all.
40th anniversary, and all that.
It's not important.
So, Ruby, you lived in this town long?
All my life.
And do you like it?
Have you spent more than five minutes here?
I assume that's a negative.
It's home.
That's all.
Well, it's not strange to have a complicated dynamic
about the place you've grown up in.
This happens all the time.
You're probably staying up at one of those big lake mansions
up around the bend.
The tourists are rich assholes who fly in for a week a year.
But see, you took a right and came down the bend.
And you should have taken a left,
and you would have ended up with all the other cute
little tourists taking selfies, drinking IPAs,
instead of at the bar with the locals, who actually live
in this shithole year-round.
Well, it just so happens that I'm staying at the motel up the road.
You better fire your travel agent.
Ruby? Where are those shots?
Coming. Just making sure you weren't already puking your guts
out all over my floor.
Charming.
I can't believe you're there.
You do realize I'm googling this place right now?
They have a lot of problems.
Like what?
Like, teaks.
Bloodthirsty teaks.
I expected you to say Republicans with guns.
The point is, there's no reason for you to be there right now.
The worst thing I found are a couple of Davy Crocketts,
oh, and some dead animals on the walls.
Oh, my God. You've walked into a horror movie.
That's what this is, isn't it?
I'm going to get a call saying
that you've been decapitated by some backwoodsman redneck type.
Well, you'll be pleased to hear
I've rented myself a house in the more respectable part of town.
Benjamin found it for me.
Looks a nice place.
A house?
- So you're staying? - Yes.
I'm going on a sabbatical.
You're becoming a priest now?
I believe the term you're thinking of is seminary.
Priest or no priest, just get back here.
The network is not going to like this.
Please. I've been making them money for 40 years.
You know, it's the least they can do.
I have to go. OK?
Jonathan.
Don't make me send somebody to America to bring you back.
Spencer, you're breaking up.
Bring me the bottle!
Spectacular.
Truly.
Architecture. Love the court and steel.
Truly is spectacular.
Thank God.
I have the contract right here.
You just sign on the dotted line.
No troubles.
Just sign right here.
Yes. Right... right there.
There.
That's that white walker.
Head to the crib. I got this.
Yo, man, I love the shoes.
Yeah, I think they look good.
- I thought you were on tour? - We were.
Yeah, we totally were.
But Reginald, he found out that his cat got eaten by a coyote.
- Is this the new renter? - Yes, I suppose.
Yo, man, you sound like James Bond, dude.
That's badass.
Oh, thank you.
I think.
I'm Dennis Wade.
Most people know me as the tiny hammer, though.
You might have heard of me.
Tiny hamster?
Tiny hammer, yo.
Yeah.
I guess I'm new landlord.
Here, housewarming gift.
Recorded that last week. It's hot. Yo, be careful.
Tiny hammer does America.
Inspiring.
Yo, that's what I'm talking about dude.
Peaky Blinders.
Oh, man, I love that show.
- Have you seen that show? - I have not.
You got to check it out, man.
Irish gangsters.
It's not a bad accent.
What do you think?
Anyway. Amanda, I'll take it from here?
No refunds. No exchanges.
Here's the key.
Good luck.
He's going to be just fine.
I'm going to take care of him.
Come on, baby.
Home sweet home. OK.
My man. Mi casa es su casa.
Head over here. Now, I have two bedrooms for myself
because sometimes I really don't know which one to sleep in, you know?
Hey, problem with money, right?
Come on. Masterpieces featuring yours truly.
Timeless works of art.
That was the fire, the angel.
Got a little sauna room, music studio.
Got the panic room, because you never know.
World's getting crazy, right?
And you're going to be up there. Cool?
It's this your parents' house?
Oh, no, man. This is my pad. I live here.
Well, in the winters I like to head down to the islands. I can't stand the snow.
Very nice house for a young man of your age.
Oh, thanks, man. I appreciate that.
Anyway, here's the kitchen.
Feel free to have anything in the fridge.
It's yours.
Yo.
Yeah, you like that, don't you, bro?
Yeah, that's my view.
Oh, yo, Svetlana.
Yo, baby, get over here.
This is my wife from Russia.
This is our new renter.
I put out that ad yesterday.
But here's the man, our new friend.
Well, more of an acquaintance at this juncture.
You know, for the longest time, I kept calling her Eastern European.
But then she tells me, Russia is in Asia.
Doesn't that blow your mind?
Dude, she's Asian.
Anyway, Svetlana, this is... wait.
What did you say your name was?
Jonathan Robbins.
It is nice to meet you.
Svetlana.
What are you doing?
I say hello.
He's a guest in our house, not the pony at the county fair.
You are no fun, Dennis.
Jonathan, you drink?
Dear God, yes.
I was bartender in Russia.
We'll make you something special.
I know. I'm sorry.
Just, the whole thing with his cat and stuff.
Oh, I'll bring my tiny hammer.
Yeah, man.
She got here a couple of weeks ago.
Fourth wife.
- That seems like a lot. - Nah.
I mean, you usually only get about six months of runtime
before they disappear on you with their green card.
But you know, Svetlana is different.
I think I'm in love with her.
She's super into fitness, man. She's running all the time.
She's making sure I stay in shape and stuff.
Did you know that she was a gold medal winner in Asia for track and field?
Russia.
I thought she said she was a bartender.
Oh, my man. She had a lot of things.
Just so you know, we keep it super quiet around here.
So just pretend we're not even here.
But if you need anything?
You just knock on our bedroom door.
- Capeesh? - I probably will.
All right.
Hey, I know we just met, but me and the boys
about to smoke a giant blunt and float in the pool
like a couple of turtles.
I mean, if you want to join us.
No, thank you.
You sure?
All right, my man.
You're stalking me now?
I'm sorry.
You live here.
Yeah.
You just didn't strike me as a mother.
I apologize.
Those were not choice words.
Nothing is going right today.
Interesting.
So what can I help you with?
Well, I have this letter, and I've come
to meet the little girl who wrote it.
Little girl?
Let me see it.
Oh, son of a bitch.
Ruby? Who's that just yapping away at the door?
It's for you.
It's really you?
Clearly there's been some mistake.
It's really you.
Mr. Robbins here at my door?
This is crazy.
Ruby, you had anything to do with this?
Absolutely not.
Mr. Robbins, I am your biggest fan.
Your biggest fan.
Just the letter.
It appeared to be the handwriting of a child.
Yeah.
Since the last stroke, it hasn't been so good.
Hands are a little bit shaky, you know.
I certainly do now.
Well, I'm delighted we've had exposure in a place like this.
Well, don't stand out there on the porch. Get in here.
Ruby, get this man a drink or a coffee, or whatever he needs.
You Brits love whiskey, right?
A drink sounds like the most responsible thing right now.
Mr. Robbins.
- Don't know for sure. - He's a celebrity.
He's here.
Give me the crackers.
Ruby. Where are the crackers?
And where's that tree I had?
Do you remember the tree I had for my birthday party?
OK.
Neat.
Cheers.
It's wild turkey.
It's fine.
Mr. Robbins, you'll stay for some hors d'oeuvres?
Of course. And please, call me Jonathan.
OK.
Here you go.
Well, this looks extraordinarily unique.
Go ahead.
Don't be shy.
Take a bite.
There you go.
Ruby, you want one?
I'm good, Gram.
Jonathan, I still can't believe you're here in my house.
Out of all the fan letters you get, you answered mine.
You must get, what, like, 1.000 a day?
You'd be amazed at what arrives in the post.
The post. I love it.
Ruby, the post.
Not the mail.
Got it, Grams.
So how long you were in town for?
Well, the truth is, I was just heading straight through.
And, well, I have a previous engagement,
sort of a publicity tour thing happening here in America.
And, well, you happened to be on the way.
So I thought it'd be a good idea to drop in
on such a wonderful fan as yourself.
Isn't it a shame?
It would have been wonderful to have you for dinner.
Such a shame, yes.
Alice, it's been a pleasure.
- Ruby. - Bless you for coming here.
Can we get a picture?
- Of course. - Ruby, get a picture.
Come on. Take a picture.
- OK. - Take a picture.
Smile.
And maybe get a little closer.
Closer.
A little closer.
You know, I might just kiss her on the cheek.
That'd be nice.
Nice.
OK, great. I think I got it.
- Well, then. - Goodbye.
- I'll walk you out. - Goodbye.
You really just came by to say Hello to my grandma?
Indeed.
Well, yes, it's often the little things for my fans that mean the most.
Do take care of your grandmother.
You got to hear my rain rain rap away, man.
That's straight from the heart.
Montvale, lot of love you.
Feel that?
Baby, that's just the beginning, baby.
Yeah heard, Ritchie?
Guys, guys, guys!
You, Jason.
Yeah!
Hey, Mike! Turn the music down.
Yo, this is my new friend, James Bond!
Jonathan.
Hey, let's get you something to drink.
Hey, Ritchie. Hey, get a drink for my friend, all right?
He's a guest in our home.
Not for me.
Never mind, we good.
Yo, man, you OK?
I think I'm a bit shocked by your house.
The fact that you can afford something so beautiful,
and then you fill it up with this crowd.
Oh, thanks, man.
I appreciate that.
The band has just been blowing up lately.
- So you really make money? - Oh, totes. It's crazy.
People just seem to love what we do.
We invented a new genre.
It's rap and big band.
Yo, you get it?
We call big brap.
You get that? Big band rap.
You have to make sure your typist doesn't make any mistakes.
James Bond.
Baby.
Are you hungry?
I made a very perfect blini with butter, smetana, iqra.
I was very famous chef in the Russia.
Settle down, tiger.
You know what?
We should play something for you.
You really don't have to.
Hey, Ritchie.
Ritchie!
Ritchie, yo!
Get our gear, man.
We're going to play something for James Bond.
Lately, I'm a big fan of the bassoon.
Have you ever heard the bassoon?
- Probably not in this context. - I got to tell you something.
You're easily the oldest dude that ever hanged here.
Thank you, I think.
Speaking of, why are you putting out adverts for renters?
Money doesn't seem to be a problem.
Svetlana loves that. No, that's totally her jam.
You know, she was a psychiatrist in Russia, so she loves people.
- Yo, Dennis. - What's up, Frank?
Dude, you seen my shirt? I can't find my shirt.
You mean the one with the tigers on it?
- The one you got in Bali, right? - Yeah, man.
Frank, you're wearing it, baby.
Crazy.
- Thanks, Dennis. - No problem, brother.
Hey, can you help Ritchie get the rest of our gear, man?
We're going to play James something here.
Jonathan.
Right, sorry.
Look, I got a flight tomorrow, I should probably pack.
I should probably pass.
No, no, no. Wait !
Look, you seem like a stressed dude.
I got an idea.
You know how to hold a camera, right?
- Oh me, yeah? - Yup.
All right.
Tiny Hammer in the house!
cheering
Are you really that James Bond guy?
Yes.
Sweet.
Do you want one of these?
- Chocolate? - Yeah.
Thank you.
Very good. Thank you.
They're fantastic.
Thanks. They're full of ecstasy.
Oh, yeah.
Want to be ready for that.
What?
Don't worry. I was doctor in the Russia.
Oh, man.
He pulls through.
Hey, buddy. You're a psycho, man.
You tried to kill yourself last night.
I did not.
Well, it's a good thing you didn't.
- How do you feel? - Fine.
Whoa, take it easy.
You took enough pills to kill a small horse.
You didn't.
I just always wanted to say something like that.
Look, I'm sorry that Angelina laced her brownie.
I mean, she's good at that.
It's kind of her thing.
I mean, you did almost drown, too.
What time is it?
- Thursday, I think? - Thursday.
God, I missed my flight.
Where's my phone?
Oh, yeah.
I hope you don't mind.
I was looking to see if I should call your wife or something
to let her know you were dead,
but I couldn't find any pet names, you know, like bae, or whatever.
And also, you need a better passcode than all zeros.
I mean, seriously, bro. I was like that, bro.
I'm divorced.
I'm afraid she would be very glad to hear of it.
That's harsh, brother.
Super harsh.
How about you, Svetlana?
Would you be sad if I died?
Depends how, I guess.
If it was a cruel car accident... Wait, wait.
A clown car accident?
Cruel car accident.
A clown car accident.
Why are there clowns in it?
Makes this a nightmare.
My phone, please?
Thank you.
Also, are you famous or something?
Angelina swore she recognized you from some Downtown Abbey Ashow.
I love Downton Abbey.
I'm sure two have both been very helpful,
but if you could both just give me a moment to recover.
Oh, you want us to... Sorry.
Yeah.
Take your time.
See it on the back.
Yo, my dog in the back.
What.
Got the things with breaths.
Hi there.
Just letting you know that I will be officially checking out.
Yeah.
I'm sorry about the party, man.
I didn't mean to screw your vacation up.
Oh, no. Truth is, I came here looking for something very stupid,
and didn't work out at all.
What was it?
Well, a friend of mine passed away recently.
I missed his funeral, and it has caused me to reflect
on many things in my life.
That sucks, bro.
Well, maybe I'm looking for some answers, some perspective.
And didn't work out.
Well, you missed your friend's funeral.
Do you worry people will miss yours?
Well actually, in a way, yes.
At my age, you think about these things.
Legacy, what people might say about you when you've gone.
Sure, man. That's straight Ebenezer.
- Ebenezer? - Yeah, man.
Ebenezer Scrooge.
He straight up saw a vision that no one came for his funeral.
I mean, he was rich, successful.
No one cared.
People just came for the food.
Well, I didn't expect such an apt analogy as that.
Yeah, man.
Yo, I wrote a song about this.
Check it.
Ebenezer Scrooge.
This cat really was Scrooge.
Picks came for nothing, picking out at the funeral.
The spider.
The spider. And the rat took his curtains and all that.
Rats, pigs, spiders is actually a very accurate analogy
for the dregs of society that the novel was referring to.
The novel? Wait.
Are you telling me you've never seen Muppet Christmas Carol before?
Ebenezer Scrooge. The Butler from Batman?
You know, this little rat.
Kermit the Frog. You know, this spiders, man?
Dickens would have been very proud.
Yeah. The dude from Batman wouldn't even give those rats coal for the fire.
Man, that tears me up inside, just thinking about it now.
You know what Ebenezer Scrooge did.
He found out that make another people happy
is better than being happy all alone.
I've been on autopilot.
I haven't been paying attention to things
like drinking a very bad beer or getting
to know someone I might not ordinarily have the chance to.
- Oh, you mean me? - Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You do know the Muppets didn't write a Christmas Carol, don't you, Dennis?
Wait, no shit?
No shit.
Learn something new every day.
Yeah. There's a ton more beers in that cooler there if you want one.
Sure.
Yeah. But I mean, it felt so real.
You know what I mean?
Like, you can't deny the relationship
between the guy playing Big Dickens and Rizzo the Rat.
Everything about this is truly fascinating.
My man.
Facts.
That's why I couldn't return your test.
You could have just said something.
Just write me back, let me know you get my communication. Please.
Just say you're sorry, and all this other crap that doesn't even matter.
I mean, why even apologize?
I didn't mean to do that shit, OK?
I'm sorry.
But you should not be looking at him the way you looked at him, OK?
...recognizing that I was sitting alone.
I told you a thousand times.
Do not look at him that way.
You got to respect me.
I do you everything for you.
Why do you do this to me?
Hey, what the hell do you want?
I apologize. I...
I was just taking a drink inside and the lovely woman
behind the bar asked me if I would remind Ruby that her break is over.
Well, her hands are rather tied with a group
of very enthusiastic gentlemen
who are on the sixth, seventh round of tequila.
So no need to shoot the messenger.
We'll finish this later.
What are you doing?
Just come for a drink.
I thought you had other more important engagements to get to.
Canceled.
It's none of my business, but...
It ain't.
Thanks anyway.
So how long are you staying?
I might give it a few more days, take the rest of the area in.
Why would you want to do that?
Do you want to smoke?
Sure.
Ruby, I don't suppose the invitation to dinner
with your grandmother is still on the table.
OK.
If I don't do it now, I'll never get another chance.
Will you dance with me, Mr. Robbins?
I would be delighted, Alice.
I come out here every night just to take it all in.
It really is quite beautiful.
Cheery, though.
You know, most people don't slow down enough
to even know there are stars up in the sky.
I haven't slowed down in years.
I'm starting to think I've missed more than just the stars.
I keep thinking, all those small things.
Well, they add up to a lot.
Perhaps a whole lifetime.
You got kids?
A son.
Our relationship is infrequent.
He hasn't called me in ages, which is a good indication that I failed
miserably at being a father.
I haven't spoken to my daughter in 25 years.
She dropped Ruby off and headed out of town with a loser boyfriend.
Never came back.
Not even so much as a letter.
25 years.
I failed my daughter.
I know that.
That's why I'm trying better with Ruby.
I pray she doesn't end up like her mother,
but it's hard not to in a place like this.
Well, she could leave.
Go to school.
She stays on account of me.
She has a good heart, but she's wasting away.
Alice...
I lied when I said I was passing through.
I did come because of the letter.
Mind you, I did think it was written by a child.
The truth is,
a friend of mine died.
A good friend.
I missed his funeral.
To damn self important to even pick up a call or respond to a voicemail.
I started thinking about my life in a way that
really frightened me.
I mean, what have I ever done to make a difference in the world?
Truly a difference?
Did I save lives? Did I cure cancer?
Did I fight for world peace?
You know, most people don't get to do that stuff, right?
Care for a child dropped on their doorstep.
Something in your letter moved me.
When you said I inspired you, I needed to know why.
I mean, why do I inspire you?
The truth is, Jonathan, I had people leaving me, dying on me.
Trying to raise a kid without much,
but every day you were there
smiling on the television.
You were like family.
Change one life, Jonathan.
If you change just one life, then it's all worth it.
You coming here, I'll never forget it.
I won't, either.
Yeah. I should go.
I'll head in, say my goodbyes to Ruby.
You do that.
Ruby, I just came to thank you for the evening.
- Are you all right? - Yeah.
It's stupid.
I fell at the bar trying to get to the high shelf.
I see.
Well then, I will bid you good night.
Thank you once more.
Hey.
Thank you.
You made her really happy.
She hasn't been like that in a long time.
It's my pleasure.
Good night.
We should find this dude, beat his ass.
My bar fighting days are a little behind me.
Nah, you look fit.
What are you, 45? 50?
I'm 70.
No, but still, man. Not that's not cool, though.
What was I supposed to say?
If people don't want help, you can't force it.
No, that's like some wise 70-year-old guru wisdom coming out of you.
- Where did you get that? - I mean literally.
If people don't want your help,
I cannot help them.
Amen, brother. Preach it.
The point is, there's nothing else to do.
Well at least the old lady's at the life.
Is he going to chase that tail?
What were you smoking earlier?
- You want some? - No, thank you.
- All right.
I think I have to do some theater.
I think I have to.
For myself.
What kind of theater?
Well, one man Shakespeare show.
I mean, McKellen did it.
Paddington.
Simon Callow. Roger Rees.
I saw Gielgud live performing a Shakespeare recital, Ages of Man.
Why not me? Why not once?
My second job at Chichester, Sir John Gielgud was in the company.
And the director, Robin Phillips,
was kind enough to announce that the new Gielgud was also in the company.
And that should have been my destiny.
Yeah. Well, you're 70,
so you might die soon.
It just seems to me that you shouldn't put something like this off.
That's my guru wisdom.
Well, thank you for that.
A fit 70.
No joke.
Healthy, too.
Yeah, you look like you got strong bones and such, man.
OK.
OG bond.
But you know what, when you have a dream,
you can't let everything else get in the way.
You know, in India, I once watched a man use his testicles as bongo drums.
Yeah. Just wrapping them around and making
some of the most beautiful sounds with it.
You know, that was inspiring to me, dude.
Like, that's a real commitment to the art.
I feel I might have a definition of the word art.
Dog, they were like bare testicles.
Like, I got everything.
And my point is, dog, is that this man had nothing but his testicles.
Yo, dog. My point is, don't give up on your dream, bond.
Use it as inspiration.
Thank you once more, Dennis.
You're welcome.
I admire you that you've gone out and got what you wanted in life.
Thank you.
Cheers.
That's some good beer.
- You want some sauce? - Yeah. Hit me.
We got spicy brown mustard, ketchup, sriracha, barbecue.
Barbecue.
All right. Casino royale.
Spencer, I hope this is important.
Is your bank account important.
Not at this particular moment.
I just had a call from the network.
Ratings are dropping.
You need to get back to ASAP.
That means as soon as possible.
Spencer, I'm not coming back until I've found an answer.
Spencer, I have to go.
Wait.
Jonathan!
Shit.
I hope you're shopping for somebody else.
I didn't mention last night and I like to try on frocks
and dance about a bit in heels.
Frocks, huh?
That's not a word.
Yes, it is.
Big, fancy frocks.
About last night.
Let's just not talk about it.
Anyway, I was wondering if you'd like to show me around town today?
I want the real locals haunt.
Or even outside of town, if there's anything I should see.
What's in it for me?
I assume, the company.
All right.
Buy me this frock, and you got yourself a deal.
Sweater?
OK, I'll get it for you.
So when I first met you at the bar,
you didn't seem like someone who was capable of having much fun.
Thought I'd sooner get a broken jaw from you.
It comes with the territory.
You know, the clientele around here is more of
the ass grabbing, whistling type, especially with a few drinks and...
Oh, well, you got to draw the line earlier.
Doesn't stop them from doing it.
Such a cultured establishment.
You don't deserve it.
You think I want to be here?
You didn't say.
- It's a job, that's all. - Job?
Well, I understand that.
Well, hello.
A bookstore. Shall we?
How exciting.
If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all.
Ah, look at this.
See, you're not entirely devoid of culture in this town.
The Scottish play.
What's it about?
You haven't read it?
- No, why would I? - My God.
Youth is wasted on the young.
Wuthering Heights?
No.
Tess of the D'urbervilles, Thomas Hardy?
Let's just assume anything you pick out is a no.
OK. Get a basket.
Come on.
Oh, look. There's more.
- Joyce? - Can I get a basket?
Conrad.
Lewis. CS Lewis.
Tolkien.
Chesterton.
Thackeray.
Ruskin. Huxley.
For $50 you're going to get a whole classical education.
OK, nerd.
But after this, I have an idea.
Something really classy.
The best table, front and center.
- Nuh uh. - Yeah, on the holiday.
You know you're not normal, right?
Well, that was a backhanded compliment if ever I've heard one.
No, I just mean, there isn't anybody like you anymore.
No, probably not.
I'm a bit of a relic.
You got all these stories and travels and experiences.
Anything stopping people from having stories,
travel experiences, is getting up and doing it.
- It is not that easy. - Why not?
Well, for one thing, you need money.
- Not that much. - Enough.
OK.
Let's play a game of what if.
If you had the money, what would you do?
I don't have the money.
That's why it's named what if. Go on.
If you had the money, what would you do?
How much?
Oh, I don't know.
$20,000.
- That's a lot of money. - Yes.
So what would you do?
This is stupid.
It's not.
Go on.
I want to hear.
Maybe go to school.
Not be a bartender in a shitty dive bar in this place.
Maybe move somewhere.
Maybe the big city.
Where?
I don't know.
New York, Los Angeles.
Somewhere else.
Travel?
Sure.
What sort of school?
I don't know.
- This is stupid. - Why?
Because it's never going to happen.
Well, it might.
It's not stupid to dream.
A very strange young man is teaching me this.
I know what you're doing, and I don't need somebody to save me.
Good.
I have no intention of doing so.
Good.
So what are you really doing here?
I know that American tour thing is bullshit.
I cannot deny it.
But I did receive a letter from your grandmother.
And I did believe it to be written by a child.
So you came all this way for that kid?
It's more complicated than it sounds.
You get to be my age, you just need to know certain things,
like when I die, will I be remembered?
Could I have done things better in my life?
Should I have done things differently?
And you didn't have any answers?
I'm a game show host.
Divorced.
Barely see my son, my grandchildren.
Missed a good friend's funeral.
Dick moves.
Dammit, Dennis. My housemate.
He's changed my ringtone.
I should take this.
Brian.
It seems altogether silly we're blindfold to get a cup of coffee.
It's a surprise.
All right, hold on.
Just stand there.
Don't move.
Blindfold off.
Ta da!
How about it?
What do you think?
Well, it's a theater.
Yeah, man.
Yeah, after you told me you wanted to do a show,
I got this wild idea that I just buy the old theater downtown,
and you can set up whatever you wanted.
Yeah, I know it looks like a family of raccoons
have been living and having too many babies here.
But we'll get some people in to clean it up,
put some extra neon lights in,
or whatever your Shakespeare business needs.
Well, some spotlights will be better.
Sure. Whatever you need, man.
Whatever you need.
I'm touched, Dennis.
Truly I am.
I got a call yesterday from my employers.
They need me back.
The British government?
You don't really think of James Bond, do you?
No, I'm just messing with you, man.
It's OK.
But you know you can't go, right?
Well, I'm afraid I have to.
That's why I asked you out for a coffee this morning.
I didn't expect this.
Wait, so what was all that talk about trying to figure out
your purpose and all that?
What about your dream of doing a show in a kickass venue like this?
You're right.
Sorry, Dennis. I let you down.
Seems I'm just
too old to change horses.
That really comes to it.
Nah, at least you're honest.
I'm sorry not to accept your generous gift.
What will you do with the place?
I don't know maybe... a strip club.
Yeah.
Yeah, there's already a pole there.
One there.
Your mind fascinates me.
So that's it.
Well, it's been real, Bond.
- Good luck to you. - You too.
I hope Tiny Hamster takes over the world.
Tiny Hammer.
All right.
I have an idea.
Just stay here.
- OK? - OK.
Don't move.
That doesn't have any debris or stuff over here, maybe.
You guys here.
Keep coming in.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good, good, good.
OK. All right.
- What's going on? - It's an audience.
And they want to see a performance.
To be honest, I don't know if they really do,
but I paid them each $50 to come here for 30 minutes.
What sort of performance?
Bro, you've been spinning your wheels
on performing Shakespeare for an audience. Here you go.
I mean, you've got a theater, an audience.
- Where more do you need? - Rehearsal.
No. You got this, man.
You know what they say.
Mom's spaghetti.
All right, everyone. Thank you so much for following me in today.
Really appreciate it.
We are in for a treat.
Today, we witness a frickin' genius at work.
I'm talking an original Lisa Monet in the making.
So without further ado, can we please give a warm welcome
to the one, the only, the man, the myth, the legend, Jonathan Robbins!
I know you all will a while uphold the unhealed humor of your idleness.
And herein will I imitate the sun,
who doth permit the base contagious clouds
to smother up his beauty from the world
that when he pleas again to be himself, being wanted,
he may be the more wonder that by breaking
through the foul and ugly mists of vapors that seem to strangle him.
You here to bribe me into hanging out with you again?
I wish.
No, I've come to tell you that I'm heading out now.
Got it.
They need me back.
Turns out they really do suffer without me.
You're a big deal.
Maybe.
Well... You've got my number, so do keep in touch.
Let me know how things are going and all that.
Is that the voice of an angel on my front lawn?
Oh, hello, my darling.
I have to get back to London.
It's been wonderful.
Thank you.
You're very welcome.
Well, keep watching the show, I guess.
You know I will.
OK, then.
I'm away.
Goodbye, Mr. Robbins.
Svetlana, it's been a real pleasure.
I will miss you.
- Take care of this woman. - I will.
Oh, and good luck with the fitness video, the bartending,
the medical practices.
Whatever you do.
I'll keep the world turning.
Well, Dennis.
Oh, yes.
This has been an unexpected delight.
I'm going to miss you, bro.
If you find yourself in London, you look me up.
You know it.
Oh, and if I do ever get around to doing
some Shakespeare there, would you both be my very special guests?
Front row and center.
All right.
Bye now.
Your grave still feel surprisingly judgmental.
I don't really have anyone else to talk to.
I did a bit of Shakespeare in this funny little town.
God, you'd have run me out of the pub,
or punch some sense into me.
It was a strange feeling that people might actually have cared about me.
About, not what I did, but just maybe about me.
Well, you wouldn't have cared if I hadn't become something.
You cared because you cared about me.
Simple.
I know it wasn't your favorite, but...
I'll miss you, my friend.
Hello.
Slow down.
Slow down. Yes.
No. Just listen.
I'll be there first thing, OK?
I'm on my way, all right?
Ruby, can I do anything?
I don't know.
They won't give me any answers.
They just keep running around putting things in her.
I didn't know who to call.
It's going to be OK.
That boyfriend that I saw you with, does he hurt you?
Yeah.
You know that's not OK.
Yeah.
You deserve better than a bastard like that.
I know that.
Thanks for coming.
Hello?
David? It's Jonathan.
You were right, David. I've been a terrible friend.
Might have been, Mr. Robbins?
Yes. You're alive.
For the moment.
You came back all this way just for me?
Ruby called.
You care about her.
I can tell.
I'd have to keep an eye out when I go.
You'll be OK. I'll get the doctor.
Jonathan, I'm not going to be OK.
You understand.
I'm ready, though.
Lord, I'm ready.
And I know where I'm going.
How about you, Jonathan?
Do you know where you're going?
No.
Not at all.
The best thing to do is to admit it.
Jonathan, you remember what you told me out on my lawn?
You said you forgot all those small things in life.
Well, whatever you do from here, you remember one thing.
You focus on those small things now,
and I promise you'll end up changing someone's life for the better.
Hey, somebody left something for you.
Make the right decision.
That's fine.
Nice job, Paul.
It looks good.
Ruby, you're here!
Well, you told me to make choices, even if they don't work out.
I'm very pleased.
I got myself enrolled in a few online classes.
Nursing school, thinking.
But thought I'd do some traveling.
Who knows, maybe find a fresh start somewhere else.
Sounds like a very good decision.
- So this is England, huh? - Yeah.
Well, the pavement of it.
- Pretty low, isn't it? - Beautiful.
- And the Henry O'Connor theater? - Yeah.
I thought I'd honor the great man in some way.
I'm sure they laughed me out of town,
and old man like me jumping out of his end.
I don't care if they do.
- And the game show? - Oh, they fired me.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ripped up the brand new contract and everything.
It was defined as a mutual parting of the ways
after many years of loyal service.
Although the network did send a very nice box of chocolates.
- I'm sorry. - Oh, no, no.
Best thing that's happened to me.
Can we talk about the money?
If we must.
You just didn't need to do that.
If a friend with means cannot help a friend in need,
then I don't know what the world is coming to.
You sound like Dr. Seuss.
Ah, finally a genius you've read.
Well, thank you.
Well, if you think that I helped you,
then you're missing the point entirely.
You know?
I will be forever grateful to you and your grandmother.
Now, if you'll forgive me, I have a long-standing lunch
appointment in 15 minutes.
Oh, that's OK. I mean, I can find something else.
Well, I was going to ask if you'd like to join us.
- Yes, I would like that. - Very good.
It turns out that you're the only one I know in England.
Has a good staff. Shall we?
We shall.
Seeking the bubble reputation even in the cannon's mouth.
And then the justice, his full, round belly with a good capon lin'd.
With his eyes severe, and beard of formal cut...
The sixth age shifts into the lean and slipper'd pantaloon
with spectacles on nose and pouch on side.
His youthful hose well sav'd a world too wide for his shrunk shank.
And his big manly voice, turning into childish tremble.
Last scene of all ends this strange eventfull history.
Is second childdishness and mere oblivion.
Sans teeth, sans eyes.
Silence.
Bravo!