- [applause] - Welcome to Supermarket Swap, VR edition!
Let's meet our two father-son teams:
- the Mitchells and the Terdanas. - [applause]
- All right, Mitchells. - We're gonna go "Bites and Bits."
Okay. "Bits and Bites."
Kraft Toaster Strudels Pop 'Ems or Tyson Corn Dog Minis?
Strudels Pop 'Ems is less.
- [dinging] - That's a VR shopping spree!
- Oh, all right! - [applause]
- Who's going in? - Dad.
Dad's going in!
Give me all that stuff!
It's a shopping spree.
You know how it works. You wanna get as many items as you can
without going over the $500 limit.
- You ready? - Psyched to get in there!
All right, we're gonna put 30 seconds on the clock.
In three, two, one. Begin!
[generic upbeat music playing]
[scattered cheers from audience]
Go, Dad!
Dad, grab that chewing gum!
Put it in the cart! Come on!
- Dad? - I don't think he's breathing.
[son] Dad? Are you breathing, Dad?
- He's not breathing. - Dad?
- Dad! - Gotta breathe, Mike!
- Breathe! - [host] Open your mouth!
- What's happening? Breathe! - Breathe!
- Mr. Mitchell! Breathe! Breathe! - Breathe! Breathe! Breathe!
- Breathe! Breathe! - [son] Get him out of there!
Get him out!
[hysterical shrieking]
[takes gasping, heavy breaths]
[screams]
- Get the gloves! - Get him out!
[shrieking] Ouch! Ach!
[soundless gasps]
[panting softly]
Mike, why couldn't you breathe?
I don't know how to work the body.
[eerie music plays]
It's you. It's you in there.
You just need to breathe.
You just have to breathe normally.
Why don't you go back to the podium.
- How do we move our bodies ever? - What?
[suspenseful musical flourish]
I don't think I can walk.
- Really? - Yeah.
[suspenseful instrumentals playing]
I'm thinking about it too much.
- I'm really crossed up. - Dad!
[suspenseful music intensifies]
- Mike? - Dad!
Mike, what's going on?
- What'd you do? - Breathe!
- Dad, fucking breathe!
Breathe! Dad, please!
Just breathe!
- Dad! - [suspenseful music crescendos]
[theme music playing]
- [soft, upbeat music] - Dog doors can be a problem.
Your dog can get out, but other things can get in.
The Darmine Doggy Door brings you the newest high-tech doggy door
from Darmine Devices.
These doors are fully automatic,
activated by a digital chip in your dog's collar.
You're not gonna get varmin, not gonna get intruders.
And you're definitely not gonna get this thing.
[inhuman squealing]
'Cause I saw that thing.
That came in here when I was on the couch.
[muted inhuman snorting, squealing]
[creature shrieks]
It's a pig!
What the fuck?!
[man] My next-door neighbor put a Richard Nixon mask on a pig
and had it go through my dog door.
Been arguing over a property line.
Get it off of my bushes!
Trying to call me a liar and thief like Nixon, and a pig.
You're a pig!
But I didn't know what was happening
'cause I barely been sleeping since my wife got flipped by a swing dancer.
Must've flipped my wife eight times!
And it really bothered me.
When you can't sleep and you see that thing,
you're not just right away, "That's a pig with a mask."
You're like, "That's gonna kill me. That's real. That lives on Earth."
- [squeals] - I thought I was gonna get eaten!
I'm not a stupid fuckin' idiot. I know it was just a pig.
But for 50 seconds, it felt really real.
And when your first thought is, "Great, don't have to go to work tomorrow,"
you're relieved because you thought you were gonna get eaten?
What the fuck is this world?
What have they done to us?
What did they do to us?!
- [squealing] - [objects clattering]
That was the most consequential day because now I know I don't like work.
The Darmine Doggy Door!
Happy pet, peace of mind!
Anything can happen in this world. We really know very little.
My life is nothing I thought and everything I worried it would become.
For 50 seconds, I thought
- [upbeat music playing] - ♪ Keep on tryin' ♪
♪ I'm gonna keep on tryin' ♪
[music plays indistinctly on radio]
- [engine stops] - [music ends]
[doorbell rings]
- Mary! Come on in. - [Mary] Hi!
Just wanted to drop off your bowl.
Thank you for bringing the salad on Thursday.
It was such a nice event.
- So nice. - [man screaming outside]
Help! Help!
[man continues screaming]
Help! [shrieks, gasps]
- Oh my God! - You can't park over the sidewalk!
What happened?
Well, you parked your car over the sidewalk.
Where I was walking.
So I crawled under your car and my ponytail got stuck.
Now I got a car stuck in my ponytail and I'm fucked!
I need a little help.
Okay, fine. I'll go get us scissors.
[shrieks] No, no, no!
Stop! Stop them! [screams]
- What's wrong? - Said you were gonna cut off my ponytail.
You broke the rules.
I'm not gonna leave here worse off.
We'll get your ponytail out without hurting it.
[screams]
Help! Help!
Without hurting it.
- Oh, I thought you said with hurting it. - Okay.
I can't tell how much is stuck up there.
- How long is your ponytail? - I just took a picture last night. Here.
Take my phone. Look at my photos.
It's all screenshots of cigars.
[man] Yeah, just scroll past them.
[man sniffs]
It looks like it goes down just past your butthole.
Hey, who parked on the sidewalk?
That's very dangerous for us.
Yeah, thank you, but I got this.
Want to make sure they said sorry. 'Cause you can't park there.
Get the fuck outta here.
- Make me. - What?
- I can do whatever I want. - Do you know this guy?
- No. Why would I? - [phone chimes]
Someone named Ray H. is texting you.
- What'd he say? -"Where are you?"
"Can't seat us until you're here."
Tell Ray to tell them that they can seat us.
"I am here. I'm in the bathroom. I'm having a terrible time."
Then Google "disgusting diarrhea in bowl" image search.
- Oh God. - I'm cutting you out.
[screams]
- No! - [phone chimes]
Ray says the maître d' has seen this picture before.
Goddammit!
- I know how to get him out. - Shut the fuck up!
- I don't have to. - God, get away from here!
No. I can enjoy the street just like anyone.
[squelching]
Oh-ho-ho!
Yes!
Put his hand in dog shit.
[laughs triumphantly] Yes!
[hysterical laughter]
[laughter ends]
["Young Girl" by Frank Lynch plays]
[mouse clicking]
[automated voice] Six eggs.
What?
Six? I did, like, 25. [scoffs]
[clicking]
- Hey, Marcus, can I have a word? - Yeah. What's up?
Not looking to step on your toes,
but I am just a little frustrated to say the least.
Okay.
You and Mackenzie used to run this team, but you have to loop me in
- when there are developments. - Thought I did.
Had no idea Ray was coming into town next week. You never told me.
- I did tell you. - [man] It's not just Parker and I.
Rachel says you haven't been CCing her on anything in a month.
Not true.
- Rachel, can you please come in here? - [rapid clicking]
- I work so hard here. - True, true.
I put my blood, sweat, and tears into this project.
- You're a rock star. - [automated voice]
I work to get things in on time. But I can't do that if you hoard the file assets
and don't release them to me until you're completely ready.
[automated voice]
...the last second.
- [Marcus] Yes. - It piles up.
You understand that? If you don't get your act together,
- gonna be consequences, understand? - You now have 40 eggs.
- Do you? - That one egg was 40 eggs?
What are you talking about?
Supposed to put as many eggs as you can in its mouth,
but when you do it, look. Watch.
41 eggs. You win.
- Oh, it's working now. - Congrats, big boy.
- What the hell is this? - Don't know. Never gotten here.
[slinky beat plays]
It's got a bush? What the hell?
What is this?
[slinky beat continues]
- [automated voice] - [man] Oh my God.
- What are you looking at? - Don't know. Never gotten here.
This is serious. Can't look at porn in the office.
Porn?
That's a nude egg I won from my game.
I'm not in trouble at all. Now...
We should be able to look at a little porn at work.
♪ Baby, baby, baby, baby, bay-bay-bay ♪
♪ Whoa, baby, baby, bay-bay-bay ♪
Okay, so has anyone here ever been to a live taping of a sitcom before?
It's pretty easy.
You're here to do one thing: laugh.
- [all chuckle] - See those microphones?
Those are recording you, and you are going to be part of the show.
So let me hear it.
[laughter]
Just keep those laughs big because millions of people watch the show,
and they're going to hear your voice on TV.
That's cool.
- Millions of people will hear our voice? - Yeah.
[crowd chuckling]
- You're really nice. - [host continues]
- [laughter] - Next stop: a little place we all know as...
Al's Coffee Shop!
[cheers and applause]
[man 1] And... action!
How'd your date go from your dating app?
- Think it might not be a dating app. - What do you mean?
[man 2] I showed up and a whole band was there.
- Any of them cute? - Hope so. Signed 'em to a two-album deal.
- [crowd laughs] - [loud laugh]
- Better than your last date. - She still writes me from jail.
[laughter]
TK Jewelers is a scam.
- [indistinct set dialogue] - [laughter]
The jewelry's fake.
Watch exploded on date.
- [indistinct set dialogue] - [laughter]
Bent wrist, thing fucking exploded.
- If I can make this podcast my main job... - Shh!
[laughter]
Guys.
[cheers and applause]
- Big news. - The McRib's back?
[laughter]
L&L Limos is a scam.
The driver told me to shut up.
Is anyone else picking up chatter in the audience?
He hugged my date.
Oh yeah, someone's definitely talking.
- [man] Didn't have full use of limo. - What?
[man] Part of limo sealed off.
Guys, we gotta cut.
- Cut, cut, cut! - [bell rings]
All right, guys, we're getting some commentary from the sound guys.
You're just supposed to laugh, not talk.
Was anybody talking?
Was anyone here ripped off by a place called TK Jewelers and L&L Limos?
- And Avani Suits. - Okay, sir.
- You can't talk. You understand? - Yep.
- Okay. - But what about after the laughs?
There's, like, a space.
No, that's what we're saying.
Got it. Won't happen again.
Sorry.
What do you mean, the limo driver had an area you couldn't go in?
Oh, yeah, well, he had a piece of plywood painted black.
Like it was the, uh, wall of the limo.
Like it was the end of the limo. But I could hear people in there.
And there was a part of it that was over the ice tray.
And sometimes we'd see a hand
come under and grab the ice tray to pull it to their side.
And the hand had a Super Bowl ring on it.
And every few minutes,
the wall would push up, like they were trying to get more space.
When I asked the driver what was going on, he said, "Shut up."
- Why didn't you say anything? - I did. He said, "Shut up."
You can't do anything when someone says shut up.
I hadn't been on a date in ten years.
TK Jewelers sold me a watch that exploded every which way.
You said it exploded when you bent your wrist?
Yeah, I was showing my date
a picture of a bunny and what the bunny was doing
and then 150 springs hit her in the face.
The springs went in her soup. There was 300 springs in her soup.
- Sounds like a really bad date. - Sucked.
Just try not to interrupt.
You said millions of people were gonna hear our voices.
- [moving piano melody plays] - I'm just a man looking for love.
A lot of these places,
they try and rip off people like me, people looking for love.
[sighs] Well, I guess we could
leave some of it in if it will help some people.
Yeah, right? A little goes a long way.
All you gotta do is try.
All right, from the top! Let's go.
- Yeah! - [scattered cheers]
[gentle melody playing]
[crowd cheering]
All right, and... action!
♪ Somewhere in the static ♪
[no audible dialogue]
- [muted laughter] - ♪ Snow on the cassette ♪
♪ I used up all my magic ♪
♪ So I'm calling you collect ♪
♪ I can take a lot ♪
♪ And make it out all right ♪
♪ I got put through the ringer ♪
♪ You should see the other guy ♪
♪ If I could do it over ♪
♪ I'd do it all again ♪
♪ I was waiting on the moment ♪
♪ Is this it? ♪
♪ I was waiting on the moment ♪
♪ Is this it? ♪
[springs clinking]
♪ Is this it? ♪
[singer vocalizing]
♪ Is this it? ♪
[singer vocalizing]
[vocalizations continue]
[song ends]
[thinking] What the hell?
[theme music playing]
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
[music ends]
[robotic voice] Zanin Corp. [chuckles]