1
00:00:06,469 --> 00:00:08,471
[birds chirping]

2
00:00:12,976 --> 00:00:14,519
[alarm blaring]

3
00:00:14,602 --> 00:00:15,520
[turns off alarm]

4
00:00:15,603 --> 00:00:17,814
[Samberg] Welcome back
to the amped-up brain

5
00:00:17,897 --> 00:00:20,775
of Sherman Oaks'
favorite little try-hard, Ben Gross.

6
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I am Andy Samberg,
and I'll once again be your guide

7
00:00:24,237 --> 00:00:26,740
to this kid's complicated interior life.

8
00:00:27,615 --> 00:00:31,119
Feel free to check your coats at the door,
folks, because our boy has no chill.

9
00:00:31,202 --> 00:00:32,996
[exhales] Let's go.

10
00:00:33,079 --> 00:00:35,206
[Samberg] Indeed, Ben, let us go.

11
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♪ Drink the blood ♪

12
00:00:37,542 --> 00:00:39,127
-♪ No bitterness, just sweet ♪
-[dings]

13
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♪ This disco ball… ♪

14
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All right, crunch time.

15
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You got this.

16
00:00:43,965 --> 00:00:45,341
[Samberg] Ever since he was little,

17
00:00:45,425 --> 00:00:48,219
Ben had wanted to go to Columbia,
just like his father had.

18
00:00:49,512 --> 00:00:52,265
But he knew that the only way
to make sure he'd get in

19
00:00:52,348 --> 00:00:54,184
was to become an academic machine.

20
00:00:54,267 --> 00:00:56,102
♪ You flicker then you’re gone ♪

21
00:00:56,186 --> 00:00:59,105
Time for breakfast, my little prince.

22
00:00:59,189 --> 00:01:01,024
No time, Patty. I gotta get to school.

23
00:01:01,107 --> 00:01:03,359
You cannot think if you do not eat.

24
00:01:03,443 --> 00:01:07,030
You need to fuel that big,
handsome brain of yours.

25
00:01:07,113 --> 00:01:09,157
It's okay.
I'll just eat a jerky stick on the way.

26
00:01:09,240 --> 00:01:11,576
While your parents are in Arizona,

27
00:01:11,659 --> 00:01:15,371
I am in charge,
and you are working too hard.

28
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You must slow down.

29
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I can't. There's too much at stake.

30
00:01:19,918 --> 00:01:22,212
Plus, people aren't rooting
for rich kids anymore.

31
00:01:22,295 --> 00:01:25,590
We're in a post
Operation Varsity Blues society, Patty.

32
00:01:25,673 --> 00:01:28,259
My dad can't just buy my way
onto an Ivy League crew team

33
00:01:28,343 --> 00:01:29,636
like in the old days.

34
00:01:29,719 --> 00:01:32,013
[Samberg] I'm sure
he didn't really mean it like that.

35
00:01:32,097 --> 00:01:35,350
He knows bribing your way
into college is wrong. I hope.

36
00:01:35,433 --> 00:01:37,393
♪ Party like a human ♪

37
00:01:45,235 --> 00:01:46,402
[sighs]

38
00:01:48,571 --> 00:01:50,198
Hey, watch where you're going, dumbass.

39
00:01:51,533 --> 00:01:52,492
What'd you just call me?

40
00:01:53,159 --> 00:01:55,829
Nothin'. I… I was just talking to myself.

41
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[school bell ringing]

42
00:01:57,997 --> 00:01:59,999
Time to go to class, dumbass. [chuckles]

43
00:02:01,501 --> 00:02:03,461
-Okay.
-[clears throat]

44
00:02:03,545 --> 00:02:04,963
-[Trent] What's up?
-You look hungry.

45
00:02:05,046 --> 00:02:07,632
-Do I? [grunting]
-Yes. Get him. Get him.

46
00:02:07,715 --> 00:02:10,009
-Come on.
-[Samberg] That doesn't even seem fun.

47
00:02:10,093 --> 00:02:12,846
Who needs
developmentally crucial male bonding

48
00:02:12,929 --> 00:02:16,224
when you've got an A-plus diorama
of the Irish Potato Famine.

49
00:02:16,724 --> 00:02:18,935
Wow, that sentence made me sad.

50
00:02:19,018 --> 00:02:21,521
♪ Oh my God ♪

51
00:02:21,604 --> 00:02:23,189
♪ I've been looking for another solace… ♪

52
00:02:23,273 --> 00:02:24,107
Too easy.

53
00:02:24,649 --> 00:02:27,819
♪ We could spend a very, very long time ♪

54
00:02:27,902 --> 00:02:30,989
♪ I've been looking for my old teacher ♪

55
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♪ Dreams and sleep, here we are ♪

56
00:02:33,158 --> 00:02:35,076
♪ They say, "No way"
We say, "Let's play"

57
00:02:35,160 --> 00:02:37,203
♪ I'm looking for the wizard ♪

58
00:02:38,079 --> 00:02:43,209
♪ We believe in you ♪

59
00:02:43,293 --> 00:02:44,502
♪ We believe in ♪

60
00:02:44,586 --> 00:02:46,504
♪ We believe in ♪

61
00:02:46,588 --> 00:02:49,090
♪ We believe in you ♪

62
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-[Trent laughing]
-[Ben sighs]

63
00:02:55,471 --> 00:02:56,514
I wanted to help you out,

64
00:02:56,598 --> 00:02:59,767
but not as much as I wanted
to see those books fall. [snorts]

65
00:03:01,477 --> 00:03:02,812
[Ben sighs]

66
00:03:04,689 --> 00:03:07,275
-[groans]
-[stomach gurgles]

67
00:03:07,358 --> 00:03:08,484
[Principal Grubbs] Ben Gross.

68
00:03:08,568 --> 00:03:10,820
There you are. [chuckles]

69
00:03:11,404 --> 00:03:12,530
We need to talk.

70
00:03:13,114 --> 00:03:15,742
I just found out
that you're taking ten classes.

71
00:03:15,825 --> 00:03:16,743
That's crazy.

72
00:03:16,826 --> 00:03:18,828
You need to drop two classes immediately.

73
00:03:18,912 --> 00:03:19,996
What? No.

74
00:03:20,079 --> 00:03:22,040
This is the second semester
of junior year.

75
00:03:22,123 --> 00:03:24,959
I can't slow down now.
I mean, it's almost D-Day, baby.

76
00:03:25,043 --> 00:03:26,753
Do not call me "baby."

77
00:03:26,836 --> 00:03:28,922
Sorry. It just sort of
rolled out of my mouth.

78
00:03:29,005 --> 00:03:32,717
Look, Ben, your schedule is untenable.
You don't have a lunch period anymore.

79
00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:35,428
I don't need a lunch period.
I have a system.

80
00:03:35,511 --> 00:03:38,097
Mm-hmm, yes,
I've seen you with your meat sticks.

81
00:03:38,181 --> 00:03:41,184
Look, you have until tomorrow
to drop two classes or I will drop them.

82
00:03:41,267 --> 00:03:42,143
You can't do this.

83
00:03:42,227 --> 00:03:44,479
I already did, baby.

84
00:03:45,605 --> 00:03:46,940
Mr. Hall-Yoshida!

85
00:03:49,025 --> 00:03:51,236
I'm still waiting on that college essay.

86
00:03:51,319 --> 00:03:53,988
Yep, I'm on it. I'm basically done.

87
00:03:54,072 --> 00:03:55,865
Oh, so you'll be sending it over tonight?

88
00:03:55,949 --> 00:03:56,950
Totally.

89
00:03:57,033 --> 00:03:58,993
You told me that yesterday,
and I got nothing.

90
00:03:59,077 --> 00:04:00,745
Probably went to spam.

91
00:04:00,828 --> 00:04:02,956
Don't lie to my face, little boy.

92
00:04:03,456 --> 00:04:04,874
Get me that essay.

93
00:04:05,750 --> 00:04:06,751
-You got it.
-Mm-hmm.

94
00:04:09,587 --> 00:04:12,507
And why are you still standing here?
Don't you have a class to get to?

95
00:04:12,590 --> 00:04:13,591
[scoffs]

96
00:04:16,052 --> 00:04:20,431
[grunts] All right,
another fun group project this week.

97
00:04:20,515 --> 00:04:25,144
You're gonna create presentations based
on the next few units in your syllabus

98
00:04:25,228 --> 00:04:27,563
and then teach those units to the class.

99
00:04:27,647 --> 00:04:31,985
Wait. Are you asking us
to make lesson plans and then teach them?

100
00:04:32,068 --> 00:04:33,069
Isn't that your job?

101
00:04:33,152 --> 00:04:35,405
That's a lot
of nit-picking from you, Devi.

102
00:04:36,114 --> 00:04:39,909
Who do you think you are, my wife?
[chuckles] Sorry. Ex-wife.

103
00:04:39,993 --> 00:04:41,452
[Samberg] If it wasn't clear already,

104
00:04:41,536 --> 00:04:43,705
Mr. Brighton was going through
an acrimonious divorce,

105
00:04:43,788 --> 00:04:45,957
and he wasn't handling it well.

106
00:04:46,040 --> 00:04:48,918
Um, get into groups of three.

107
00:04:49,460 --> 00:04:50,753
Shouldn't be that hard to choose.

108
00:04:50,837 --> 00:04:53,381
It's like how my two sons
chose their mother.

109
00:04:53,464 --> 00:04:55,091
So, you wanna team up?

110
00:04:55,675 --> 00:04:58,469
You're the only person in class
who hates group projects as much as I do.

111
00:04:58,553 --> 00:05:01,014
Yeah. My last group partner
transferred classes

112
00:05:01,097 --> 00:05:04,058
because he claimed my emails
were "violently smug."

113
00:05:04,726 --> 00:05:07,020
Oh, look who it is.

114
00:05:07,103 --> 00:05:11,566
Two of my closest friends in school,
Crazy Devi and, uh, this dude.

115
00:05:11,649 --> 00:05:14,736
Trent, are you trying to be in our group
just so you can get an A?

116
00:05:14,819 --> 00:05:16,487
How dare you suggest that?

117
00:05:16,571 --> 00:05:19,615
I was coming over to say hey
and to inquire about your well-being.

118
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You can be in our group if you use your
fake ID to buy us beer whenever we want.

119
00:05:23,244 --> 00:05:24,078
Deal.

120
00:05:24,787 --> 00:05:25,621
All right.

121
00:05:26,247 --> 00:05:30,710
Uh, I have some free time between 1:15
and 2:00 a.m. tonight to work on this.

122
00:05:31,294 --> 00:05:33,546
-That good for you guys?
-Are you out of your mind?

123
00:05:33,629 --> 00:05:35,381
We're not operating
on your psycho schedule.

124
00:05:35,465 --> 00:05:37,467
Both of you guys
just come to my house after school.

125
00:05:37,550 --> 00:05:40,094
No, I can't. That's when I Zoom
with my Mandarin teacher.

126
00:05:40,678 --> 00:05:43,806
Okay. Trent will do your section,
and I'll just put your name on it.

127
00:05:43,890 --> 00:05:44,724
[both] No.

128
00:05:45,266 --> 00:05:46,100
I'll be there.

129
00:05:46,184 --> 00:05:47,769
-Hmm.
-[sighs in relief]

130
00:05:48,394 --> 00:05:50,271
I've never gotten so close
to having to do work.

131
00:05:50,355 --> 00:05:52,523
[Samberg] Okay, looks like
Ben's overbooked afternoon

132
00:05:52,607 --> 00:05:54,275
was now even more overbooked.

133
00:05:54,776 --> 00:05:56,319
But if anyone could do it,

134
00:05:57,320 --> 00:05:59,364
-Ben could.
-[groaning]

135
00:05:59,447 --> 00:06:02,075
[Samberg] Yeesh! You okay, little dude?

136
00:06:03,117 --> 00:06:03,951
[exhales]

137
00:06:04,035 --> 00:06:05,453
[dog barking in distance]

138
00:06:06,537 --> 00:06:10,500
Okay. We have to cover chapter six,
Circular Motion and Gravitation.

139
00:06:10,583 --> 00:06:11,584
With all dude respect,

140
00:06:11,667 --> 00:06:14,045
I can't do that chapter
because of religious reasons.

141
00:06:14,962 --> 00:06:18,966
My belief system
does not include a "round" Earth. [scoffs]

142
00:06:19,050 --> 00:06:22,011
Trent, how are you in AP physics?

143
00:06:22,095 --> 00:06:23,471
I just signed up.

144
00:06:23,554 --> 00:06:25,348
I figured if I'm gonna get a D anyway,

145
00:06:25,431 --> 00:06:29,227
why not get a D in an AP class
because it basically counts as a C.

146
00:06:29,310 --> 00:06:30,937
That's actually not that bad of a plan.

147
00:06:31,020 --> 00:06:33,398
It's certainly better than the one
you're working with now.

148
00:06:33,481 --> 00:06:35,441
It's actually not, because I do have an F.

149
00:06:35,525 --> 00:06:36,734
What's wrong with my plan?

150
00:06:36,818 --> 00:06:39,362
-It's insane.
-Because I'm taking ten classes?

151
00:06:39,445 --> 00:06:43,449
No, I'm taking eleven classes,
but three of them are bullshit electives.

152
00:06:43,533 --> 00:06:46,119
Two arts and a class
that's a nature walk once a week.

153
00:06:46,202 --> 00:06:49,330
-My homework was to pick up an acorn.
-You think that'll get you into Princeton?

154
00:06:49,414 --> 00:06:51,374
[scoffs] How much you smoking
on the nature walks?

155
00:06:51,457 --> 00:06:54,419
They might look at my résumé
and see a couple of easy A's,

156
00:06:54,502 --> 00:06:57,713
but it still will be better
than when you get a bunch of B's.

157
00:06:57,797 --> 00:06:59,924
[gasps] How dare you?
I would never get a B.

158
00:07:00,007 --> 00:07:02,718
You will if you keep grinding away
at your bonkers schedule.

159
00:07:03,344 --> 00:07:06,889
[laughs] I am really looking forward
to becoming Valedictorian

160
00:07:06,973 --> 00:07:10,852
and looking at you sitting alphabetically
with the rest of the losers at graduation.

161
00:07:10,935 --> 00:07:12,311
Over my dead bu-- [groans]

162
00:07:12,395 --> 00:07:15,648
[laughing] Did you just say,
"Over my dead butt"?

163
00:07:15,731 --> 00:07:17,525
I love that. Can I steal that from you?

164
00:07:17,608 --> 00:07:18,734
[Nalini] Devi, what--

165
00:07:19,986 --> 00:07:23,030
Devi, what did I tell you about closing
the door when boys are here?

166
00:07:23,114 --> 00:07:26,951
You do not have to worry about these two.
They barely register as boys to me.

167
00:07:28,035 --> 00:07:31,581
God. Fine. Rhyah's coming over for dinner.
Will you be joining us?

168
00:07:31,664 --> 00:07:34,000
Ugh! No, thanks.
I'll just eat some frozen crap later.

169
00:07:34,083 --> 00:07:35,251
[sighs]

170
00:07:44,677 --> 00:07:46,762
[indistinct music playing]

171
00:07:47,346 --> 00:07:49,515
All right, guys,
I'll compile our work together

172
00:07:49,599 --> 00:07:50,850
and send it over to Ben

173
00:07:50,933 --> 00:07:53,936
because obviously,
you have a better printing situation.

174
00:07:54,020 --> 00:07:56,647
I will buy more black ink
when we use up all the cyan.

175
00:07:56,731 --> 00:08:00,067
Trent and Ben, you both are
more than welcome to join if you'd like.

176
00:08:00,151 --> 00:08:02,862
I wish I could,
but I have six more hours of homework.

177
00:08:03,446 --> 00:08:05,364
Damn, six hours of homework?

178
00:08:06,782 --> 00:08:08,576
Are you in medical school? [chuckles]

179
00:08:09,202 --> 00:08:11,204
-It's you.
-Hey, Devi.

180
00:08:11,913 --> 00:08:13,539
[Samberg] Who the dick is this?

181
00:08:13,623 --> 00:08:15,541
And why is she looking at him like that?

182
00:08:15,625 --> 00:08:17,960
[McEnroe] Hey, Andy, John McEnroe here.

183
00:08:18,044 --> 00:08:19,378
Let me clarify.

184
00:08:19,462 --> 00:08:22,548
That's Des, and the reason why Ben
doesn't remember him

185
00:08:22,632 --> 00:08:26,302
is because while Devi and Des
were doing this at Trent's party,

186
00:08:27,512 --> 00:08:29,305
your boy was doing this.

187
00:08:29,388 --> 00:08:30,681
[Ben retching]

188
00:08:30,765 --> 00:08:32,058
[groaning]

189
00:08:32,642 --> 00:08:35,228
[Samberg] Oh, right,
the cousin who wasn't a cousin.

190
00:08:35,895 --> 00:08:39,190
Yeah, we were a bit a-durnk that night.

191
00:08:39,273 --> 00:08:41,734
Mom, can I steal you for a moment?

192
00:08:45,738 --> 00:08:48,533
-Why didn't you tell me we had guests?
-[Nalini] I did, 30 minutes ago.

193
00:08:48,616 --> 00:08:51,369
But you didn't tell me
her son was coming too. God!

194
00:08:51,452 --> 00:08:54,956
[Samberg] In this moment, Ben forgot
about his mountain of homework.

195
00:08:55,039 --> 00:08:58,960
The only thing that mattered was seeing
what the vibe was between these two.

196
00:08:59,043 --> 00:09:01,879
You know what?
I'd actually love to stay for dinner.

197
00:09:01,963 --> 00:09:03,548
It smells amazing.

198
00:09:03,631 --> 00:09:05,716
-Aw.
-[Trent] No doy.

199
00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:08,302
The cardamom is frickin' aromatic, bro.

200
00:09:08,886 --> 00:09:10,012
Hmm.

201
00:09:10,096 --> 00:09:13,266
So, Des, what a fun surprise
seeing you. [chuckles]

202
00:09:13,349 --> 00:09:14,433
What you been up to?

203
00:09:14,517 --> 00:09:16,394
Maybe camping
in the woods with no service?

204
00:09:16,477 --> 00:09:18,145
Or doing a tech cleanse in Joshua Tree?

205
00:09:18,229 --> 00:09:20,481
Oh, I wish he would do a tech cleanse.

206
00:09:20,565 --> 00:09:22,984
This kid is nonstop texting all day long.

207
00:09:23,067 --> 00:09:26,028
Wow. Nonstop texting?

208
00:09:26,112 --> 00:09:27,905
-Fascinating.
-Is it?

209
00:09:27,989 --> 00:09:32,451
Well, sometimes my texts don't go through
because service is spotty and stuff.

210
00:09:32,535 --> 00:09:33,411
Hmm.

211
00:09:33,494 --> 00:09:34,912
[Samberg] Yikes.

212
00:09:34,996 --> 00:09:36,706
Now Ben was getting the picture,

213
00:09:36,789 --> 00:09:39,125
and his pangs of jealousy
were turning to pity

214
00:09:39,208 --> 00:09:43,170
knowing Devi had been ditched
by yet another pretty dummy.

215
00:09:43,254 --> 00:09:45,131
Oh, we got big news today.

216
00:09:45,214 --> 00:09:47,341
-Desi, tell Nalini Auntie.
-Mom, come on, I don't need--

217
00:09:47,425 --> 00:09:50,303
Okay, fine. If you don't want
to brag about yourself, then I will.

218
00:09:50,803 --> 00:09:53,055
Des got into Stanford early.

219
00:09:53,139 --> 00:09:55,516
-[chokes, coughs]
-[Samberg] And now we're back to jealousy.

220
00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:56,684
Are you all right, Ben?

221
00:09:56,767 --> 00:09:59,228
Food shouldn't be too spicy.
I added milk to yours.

222
00:09:59,312 --> 00:10:01,188
Oh, no, I'm… I'm okay.

223
00:10:03,816 --> 00:10:05,318
[indistinct chatter]

224
00:10:06,777 --> 00:10:10,531
So, how about that dinner last night?
Someone seemed a little thirsty.

225
00:10:10,615 --> 00:10:12,408
Yeah. You.

226
00:10:12,491 --> 00:10:14,410
When you found out
that Des was going to Stanford,

227
00:10:14,493 --> 00:10:16,454
you were like trying so hard
to one-up him.

228
00:10:16,537 --> 00:10:17,622
Mmm, no, I wasn't.

229
00:10:17,705 --> 00:10:20,833
Yeah, you were. You started speaking
to him in Mandarin out of nowhere.

230
00:10:20,916 --> 00:10:22,001
Mm, I don't remember that.

231
00:10:22,752 --> 00:10:23,669
Mmm.

232
00:10:24,754 --> 00:10:26,672
I filmed it
so I can make fun of you later.

233
00:10:26,756 --> 00:10:31,510
[in Mandarin] You don't speak Mandarin?
That's surprising.

234
00:10:31,594 --> 00:10:34,221
Everyone really should speak it
with how globalized the world is becoming.

235
00:10:34,305 --> 00:10:39,018
Whatever. So what's your deal with him?
Do you, like, like him or something?

236
00:10:39,101 --> 00:10:42,563
Mmm, I dunno. Do we talk about people
we like now with each other?

237
00:10:42,647 --> 00:10:43,939
Yeah, why not?

238
00:10:44,023 --> 00:10:47,276
I mean, you see me plowing my way
through half the girls at school.

239
00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:50,571
Hmm. Okay. Well, it's weird.

240
00:10:50,655 --> 00:10:54,033
He asked me for my number,
and then I never heard from him again.

241
00:10:54,116 --> 00:10:56,786
But last night,
he was a little flirty, right?

242
00:10:56,869 --> 00:10:58,621
-With his mom? Yes.
-Ben!

243
00:10:58,704 --> 00:11:00,331
Yeah, maybe there was a vibe there.

244
00:11:00,414 --> 00:11:02,750
But it was hard to tell
with how lame you were being.

245
00:11:02,833 --> 00:11:05,795
"I don't know if I'm gonna apply to
Stanford. We'll see if it's a good fit."

246
00:11:05,878 --> 00:11:09,090
[scoffs] Let's be clear.
You'd give 1,000 HJs to go to Stanford.

247
00:11:09,173 --> 00:11:12,927
Do you want me to smack that meat tube out
of your tiny hands and beat you with it?

248
00:11:13,010 --> 00:11:16,430
Fine. You want my advice?
Stop trying so hard.

249
00:11:16,514 --> 00:11:19,475
-Just be yourself and ask him out.
-Really?

250
00:11:19,558 --> 00:11:22,645
Yeah. What do you have to lose?
Certainly not your dignity.

251
00:11:29,151 --> 00:11:31,028
Okay, guys, the moment has come.

252
00:11:31,112 --> 00:11:34,407
Turn in your essays
on how you will use calculus in real life.

253
00:11:37,952 --> 00:11:38,994
Wait, what?

254
00:11:39,078 --> 00:11:41,872
We did an essay in math?
That doesn't even make sense.

255
00:11:41,956 --> 00:11:44,208
It does make sense
if you're a public school teacher

256
00:11:44,291 --> 00:11:46,502
who's been disrespected
for almost three decades.

257
00:11:46,585 --> 00:11:48,379
[Samberg] Ben had missed this assignment

258
00:11:48,462 --> 00:11:51,549
because he had started listening
to an audiobook of King Lear

259
00:11:51,632 --> 00:11:53,134
midway through yesterday's class.

260
00:11:53,217 --> 00:11:55,761
-Pointless? Well, that is it.
-[King Lear audiobook playing]

261
00:11:55,845 --> 00:11:59,974
You'll all be writing an essay explaining
how you use calculus in real life.

262
00:12:01,517 --> 00:12:03,644
I missed it. Can I get it to you tomorrow?

263
00:12:03,728 --> 00:12:06,480
Calculus not a priority for you, Ben?

264
00:12:06,564 --> 00:12:09,066
Maybe you want to spend your time
on more practical subjects

265
00:12:09,150 --> 00:12:11,444
like personal finance or health?

266
00:12:11,527 --> 00:12:12,528
No, I just--

267
00:12:12,611 --> 00:12:15,406
Guess what, Ben?
You get a zero on this assignment.

268
00:12:15,489 --> 00:12:18,200
[scoffs] A zero? No,
but if I get a zero on this essay,

269
00:12:18,284 --> 00:12:20,661
-that will bring my grade down to a--
-B.

270
00:12:21,954 --> 00:12:24,665
Okay, so, Savannah,
you're the one who said, quote,

271
00:12:24,749 --> 00:12:28,085
"It's hella pointless to learn
this wack-ass math I'll never use."

272
00:12:28,169 --> 00:12:30,755
So, why don't you read your essay first?

273
00:12:31,338 --> 00:12:34,592
[Samberg] The worst had happened.
Ben had gotten a B.

274
00:12:34,675 --> 00:12:38,304
His GPA would be pulled down
to the disgusting upper fours.

275
00:12:38,387 --> 00:12:39,930
But he couldn't even focus on that

276
00:12:40,014 --> 00:12:43,476
because something extraordinarily painful
was happening to his insides.

277
00:12:44,101 --> 00:12:46,145
[groans loudly]

278
00:12:47,605 --> 00:12:49,398
Oh, hey, you okay?

279
00:12:49,482 --> 00:12:52,735
[grunts] I think my appendix burst.
I gotta go to the hospital.

280
00:12:52,818 --> 00:12:54,487
-Oh shit.
-[groaning]

281
00:12:55,112 --> 00:12:56,030
[Paxton grunts]

282
00:12:56,572 --> 00:13:00,117
Can you please carry me
in a less emasculating way? [yelps]

283
00:13:00,201 --> 00:13:03,370
[woman over PA] Radiology tech 165 to OR3.

284
00:13:04,038 --> 00:13:06,707
Radiology tech 165 to OR3.

285
00:13:06,791 --> 00:13:08,959
Well, Mr. Gross, it's not appendicitis.

286
00:13:09,043 --> 00:13:10,419
It's not? Are you sure?

287
00:13:10,503 --> 00:13:13,130
Where'd you do your residency?
[gasps] Are you still doing it?

288
00:13:13,964 --> 00:13:17,301
I'm going to ignore that series
of questions and cut to the chase.

289
00:13:17,384 --> 00:13:19,845
It appears the pain you're experiencing

290
00:13:19,929 --> 00:13:23,098
is the result
of impacted fecal matter in your colon.

291
00:13:23,933 --> 00:13:26,852
Most likely caused by stress
and poor diet.

292
00:13:26,936 --> 00:13:27,895
Excuse me?

293
00:13:27,978 --> 00:13:31,690
W-Wait. So, like, he's full of shit?

294
00:13:31,774 --> 00:13:34,485
[sighs] Yes,
I guess you could put it that way.

295
00:13:35,069 --> 00:13:37,571
[Samberg] Yeah, not really a diagnosis
you want to get

296
00:13:37,655 --> 00:13:39,573
in front of the most popular kid
at your school.

297
00:13:40,074 --> 00:13:42,952
When was the last time
you had a bowel movement?

298
00:13:43,035 --> 00:13:46,580
Uh, I don't think it's been that long,
like, if today's Thursday…

299
00:13:47,665 --> 00:13:48,749
Sixteen days?

300
00:13:48,833 --> 00:13:50,376
-[Samberg] Oh my God.
-Oh my God.

301
00:13:50,459 --> 00:13:54,296
Okay, due to the frankly incredible volume
of waste in your body,

302
00:13:54,380 --> 00:13:56,590
we will need to perform
a surgical procedure

303
00:13:56,674 --> 00:13:57,842
to remove it immediately.

304
00:13:57,925 --> 00:14:00,386
Wait. What am I supposed to do?
My parents are in Phoenix.

305
00:14:00,469 --> 00:14:03,931
My dad's helping Devin Booker launch
his new skincare line called NBAgeless.

306
00:14:04,014 --> 00:14:07,893
I know. I contacted your parents,
and they referred me to your babysitter,

307
00:14:07,977 --> 00:14:10,855
Patty Shevchenko,
but we haven't been able to reach her.

308
00:14:10,938 --> 00:14:12,857
Is there another adult
who can stay with you?

309
00:14:14,149 --> 00:14:15,901
Um, I'm 18.

310
00:14:15,985 --> 00:14:19,989
I can stay while you empty
the shit from him.

311
00:14:20,072 --> 00:14:24,285
[Samberg] If there is a just
and merciful God, just kill Ben.

312
00:14:24,368 --> 00:14:25,870
-Kill him now.
-[sighs defeatedly]

313
00:14:29,039 --> 00:14:29,999
[doctor] Mr. Gross.

314
00:14:31,959 --> 00:14:34,128
Mr. Gross, it was a successful procedure.

315
00:14:34,211 --> 00:14:35,212
How do you feel?

316
00:14:35,963 --> 00:14:37,214
[sighs]

317
00:14:37,298 --> 00:14:39,300
Good. I think.

318
00:14:39,383 --> 00:14:43,554
Now we just need you and your adult friend
to wait here until you pass gas.

319
00:14:43,637 --> 00:14:46,515
[Samberg] And the humiliation
keeps a-coming.

320
00:14:46,599 --> 00:14:48,809
It's standard.
Just so we know your GI tract

321
00:14:48,893 --> 00:14:50,561
is functioning properly post-op.

322
00:14:51,186 --> 00:14:53,397
So how big a fart we talking here, Doc?

323
00:14:53,898 --> 00:14:55,858
Like a real sheet rustler?

324
00:14:55,941 --> 00:14:58,485
Always a pleasure dealing with teen boys.

325
00:15:00,613 --> 00:15:02,281
Well, this is mortifying.

326
00:15:03,073 --> 00:15:05,075
You know, I kinda thought
getting cheated on by Devi

327
00:15:05,159 --> 00:15:07,161
would've been the end
of our journey together.

328
00:15:07,244 --> 00:15:09,538
Yeah. Yet, here we are.

329
00:15:09,622 --> 00:15:10,998
Waiting for your farts.

330
00:15:11,832 --> 00:15:12,791
[sighs]

331
00:15:14,919 --> 00:15:16,503
So, how is Devi?

332
00:15:17,630 --> 00:15:18,839
She's good, I guess.

333
00:15:19,632 --> 00:15:21,759
Actually, she kind of has
this new guy now,

334
00:15:21,842 --> 00:15:25,679
and weirdly he's sort of a combo
of the two of us if we were also Indian.

335
00:15:25,763 --> 00:15:26,847
[chuckles]

336
00:15:27,598 --> 00:15:30,684
I always wondered how she liked
both of us at the same time.

337
00:15:31,185 --> 00:15:33,270
You know, because we're so different.

338
00:15:33,354 --> 00:15:35,940
Yeah, you're a cool hunk,
and I'm a friendless dweeb. I get it.

339
00:15:36,023 --> 00:15:37,942
No, I… I didn't mean it like that.

340
00:15:39,193 --> 00:15:41,987
I actually used to be
kinda jealous of you.

341
00:15:42,071 --> 00:15:43,489
Huh? Why?

342
00:15:43,572 --> 00:15:45,699
Because you're smart like she is.

343
00:15:46,241 --> 00:15:49,203
That's, like, a connection
I could never have.

344
00:15:49,912 --> 00:15:50,746
Yeah, well,

345
00:15:51,497 --> 00:15:53,832
being smart isn't all that
it's cracked up to be.

346
00:15:53,916 --> 00:15:55,918
You probably don't go
to the hospital very often

347
00:15:56,001 --> 00:15:57,920
with stress-induced constipation.

348
00:15:58,003 --> 00:16:01,090
No, I definitely don't. [laughs]

349
00:16:03,926 --> 00:16:06,053
So, why are you so stressed out?

350
00:16:06,136 --> 00:16:08,639
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe because my entire life trajectory

351
00:16:08,722 --> 00:16:10,724
is determined by the outcome
of the next six months.

352
00:16:11,517 --> 00:16:14,895
Are you talking about college?
Dude, you'll get into college.

353
00:16:14,979 --> 00:16:17,147
I don't want to get into just any college.

354
00:16:17,231 --> 00:16:20,985
I want to go to Columbia,
and I'm not sure if I can get in.

355
00:16:21,068 --> 00:16:23,195
So then you don't get in. Who cares?

356
00:16:23,278 --> 00:16:24,279
No, not "who cares?"

357
00:16:24,363 --> 00:16:26,699
-I have to get in.
-Or what?

358
00:16:26,782 --> 00:16:29,201
Or all this work was for nothing.
My future is ruined,

359
00:16:29,284 --> 00:16:32,705
and I disappoint myself,
and my family, and, you know, my dad.

360
00:16:33,330 --> 00:16:35,207
This is all about your dad?

361
00:16:35,874 --> 00:16:37,584
Dude, tell him to go to hell.

362
00:16:37,668 --> 00:16:41,171
You work so hard,
you haven't had time to shit in two weeks.

363
00:16:41,255 --> 00:16:43,424
If I was your dad, I'd be proud of you.

364
00:16:44,758 --> 00:16:47,219
[inhales sharply] Not because
of the not shitting part

365
00:16:47,302 --> 00:16:49,763
but because of the hardworking part.

366
00:16:51,098 --> 00:16:54,018
Thanks. Let's change the subject.
What are you working on?

367
00:16:54,101 --> 00:16:56,228
Ugh. This stupid college essay.

368
00:16:56,937 --> 00:16:58,105
The question sucks.

369
00:16:58,188 --> 00:17:01,191
"Discuss an event
that shaped you into who you are."

370
00:17:01,942 --> 00:17:03,444
I just… I don't know how to answer it.

371
00:17:03,527 --> 00:17:05,654
Hmm. Do you not know what an event is?

372
00:17:05,738 --> 00:17:07,740
What the fuck, man?

373
00:17:07,823 --> 00:17:09,783
I know what an event is, dude.

374
00:17:11,118 --> 00:17:12,119
I just…

375
00:17:13,746 --> 00:17:16,040
I don't really know who I am.

376
00:17:16,123 --> 00:17:18,792
[scoffs] Gimme a break. What do you mean
you don't know who you are?

377
00:17:18,876 --> 00:17:21,378
You're the only person
at our school who's not a nobody.

378
00:17:21,462 --> 00:17:23,505
The lunch ladies
named a dessert after you.

379
00:17:23,589 --> 00:17:26,967
Yeah, that's all surface stuff.
That's not who I am.

380
00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:29,928
Okay. Then who are you?

381
00:17:30,012 --> 00:17:31,055
I don't know.

382
00:17:31,930 --> 00:17:34,224
Like, I think
I'm someone… [inhales deeply]

383
00:17:35,684 --> 00:17:38,062
Forget it. This is embarrassing.

384
00:17:38,145 --> 00:17:42,149
You can't possibly embarrass yourself
more than I have tonight, so get over it.

385
00:17:42,649 --> 00:17:44,651
What do you know is true about yourself?

386
00:17:44,735 --> 00:17:47,696
I mean, I'm a really good brother.

387
00:17:48,572 --> 00:17:51,825
Maybe I could talk about
when my sister was adopted. I--

388
00:17:51,909 --> 00:17:55,079
Wait, you have an adopted sister?
That's essay gold.

389
00:17:55,621 --> 00:17:57,247
Okay. Why don't you start making a list

390
00:17:57,331 --> 00:17:59,750
of all the ways that she's helped you
learn about yourself?

391
00:18:00,250 --> 00:18:03,087
Come on. I can… help you.

392
00:18:07,591 --> 00:18:10,219
[Samberg] And so,
after a humiliating afternoon,

393
00:18:10,302 --> 00:18:11,929
things started to look up.

394
00:18:12,012 --> 00:18:14,973
Not only did Ben finally get
some much-needed male bonding,

395
00:18:15,057 --> 00:18:18,143
but also his fart arrived quietly
in the night,

396
00:18:18,227 --> 00:18:21,063
rustling nary a sheet nor a nostril.

397
00:18:28,904 --> 00:18:29,738
Hey, champ.

398
00:18:33,283 --> 00:18:36,370
Dad? Why aren't you in Arizona?

399
00:18:36,453 --> 00:18:38,122
Because my kid was in the hospital.

400
00:18:38,205 --> 00:18:39,123
You okay?

401
00:18:39,206 --> 00:18:41,959
[chuckles] Yeah. Yeah, I'm all right.

402
00:18:42,042 --> 00:18:44,378
The doctor said this was caused by stress.

403
00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:47,673
Sounds like you might be a workaholic
like your old man.

404
00:18:47,756 --> 00:18:48,590
Yeah.

405
00:18:50,175 --> 00:18:52,302
But, um, actually,

406
00:18:53,011 --> 00:18:54,346
I don't think I want to be.

407
00:18:56,265 --> 00:18:58,308
Dad, I'm gonna scale my schedule back,

408
00:18:58,934 --> 00:19:01,979
but that also might hurt my chances
of getting into Columbia.

409
00:19:03,105 --> 00:19:04,857
And I know how much that means to you.

410
00:19:05,858 --> 00:19:06,692
You know,

411
00:19:07,651 --> 00:19:12,197
half the reason
I've worked so hard my whole life

412
00:19:12,906 --> 00:19:15,492
was to make my dad proud of me.

413
00:19:16,869 --> 00:19:19,580
I mean, he's been dead 30 years,

414
00:19:19,663 --> 00:19:22,457
and I'm still trying
to impress the son of a bitch.

415
00:19:22,541 --> 00:19:23,709
[chuckles softly]

416
00:19:23,792 --> 00:19:26,378
Ben, I'm proud of you.

417
00:19:27,254 --> 00:19:28,714
Wherever you go to college,

418
00:19:28,797 --> 00:19:31,216
whatever you do in this life,

419
00:19:31,758 --> 00:19:32,885
I'm proud of you.

420
00:19:32,968 --> 00:19:34,553
[laughing] Come on, Dad.

421
00:19:34,636 --> 00:19:35,596
No, I mean it.

422
00:19:36,722 --> 00:19:37,931
And I want you to hear it.

423
00:19:38,891 --> 00:19:42,144
I know I haven't always been the best dad,

424
00:19:43,478 --> 00:19:46,565
but this is where I can
be better than mine.

425
00:19:47,941 --> 00:19:50,360
You are a brilliant boy.

426
00:19:51,778 --> 00:19:53,363
And I really love you.

427
00:19:54,198 --> 00:19:56,074
[laughs] I love you too, Dad.

428
00:19:57,117 --> 00:20:00,412
[Samberg] Finally, Ben heard the words
he'd been longing to hear.

429
00:20:00,495 --> 00:20:03,582
And for the first time
since probably preschool,

430
00:20:03,665 --> 00:20:05,334
he didn't feel stressed at all.

431
00:20:05,417 --> 00:20:06,501
[sighs]

432
00:20:08,795 --> 00:20:12,216
[Samberg] The next day,
Ben was lighter in more ways than one.

433
00:20:12,299 --> 00:20:13,842
Morning, Principal Grubbs.

434
00:20:13,926 --> 00:20:17,262
I've decided to drop
AP Calculus BC and statistics.

435
00:20:17,346 --> 00:20:18,472
Good.

436
00:20:18,972 --> 00:20:21,266
I'm so glad
you came to your senses. [laughs]

437
00:20:21,350 --> 00:20:25,437
[Samberg] Ben finally realized
that Columbia was not the end-all be-all.

438
00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:29,358
Would it be okay if I added
an elective though? Maybe art studio?

439
00:20:29,441 --> 00:20:31,485
[Samberg] But he was still going to apply.

440
00:20:31,568 --> 00:20:32,611
Fine.

441
00:20:33,111 --> 00:20:35,113
Paxton! Oh!

442
00:20:36,782 --> 00:20:38,575
Great job on the essay.

443
00:20:38,659 --> 00:20:39,618
Very moving.

444
00:20:40,118 --> 00:20:42,788
I didn't know
you could actually be so deep. [laughs]

445
00:20:42,871 --> 00:20:43,705
I cried.

446
00:20:44,706 --> 00:20:46,250
-Really?
-Mm-hmm.

447
00:20:47,417 --> 00:20:48,543
[chuckles]

448
00:20:48,627 --> 00:20:50,921
["Rhinestone Summer"
by Innocent Bird playing]

449
00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:54,675
Hey.

450
00:20:54,758 --> 00:20:55,801
Oh, hey.

451
00:20:56,426 --> 00:20:58,512
Guess what? Des and I are going on a date.

452
00:20:58,595 --> 00:21:02,891
-Wow. Did you blackmail him or something?
-Even worse. I took your advice.

453
00:21:02,975 --> 00:21:06,687
I texted him and asked him if he wanted
to get FroYo sometime, and he said yes.

454
00:21:07,312 --> 00:21:09,648
So, while it pains me to say this,

455
00:21:10,148 --> 00:21:10,983
thank you.

456
00:21:11,066 --> 00:21:14,027
[Samberg] This would normally prompt
a twinge of jealousy in Ben,

457
00:21:14,653 --> 00:21:16,280
but if last night taught him anything,

458
00:21:16,363 --> 00:21:19,116
it was that he needed to let go
of whatever caused him pain.

459
00:21:19,199 --> 00:21:20,409
Do you wanna sit down?

460
00:21:20,993 --> 00:21:23,662
No. I'm just grabbing a soda before class.

461
00:21:24,663 --> 00:21:26,915
You know, I hope you don't blow it
with that guy, David.

462
00:21:26,999 --> 00:21:28,375
He could be your meal ticket.

463
00:21:28,458 --> 00:21:31,795
He wishes. I'm gonna be the first
ethical billionaire, like Rihanna.

464
00:21:31,878 --> 00:21:33,255
[scoffs] No such thing.

465
00:21:36,341 --> 00:21:37,426
[can clanks]

466
00:21:38,135 --> 00:21:38,969
What the hell?

467
00:21:39,052 --> 00:21:41,680
Yo, I heard you helped
my best friend last night.

468
00:21:44,349 --> 00:21:45,809
-Um…
-[Trent grunts]

469
00:21:45,892 --> 00:21:49,896
[sighs] Any friend of my friend
is also my friend.

470
00:21:49,980 --> 00:21:51,440
Oh, it's cool, Trent.

471
00:21:51,523 --> 00:21:53,692
Noice. Wanna hang with us?

472
00:21:53,775 --> 00:21:55,277
Like with you and the Hot Pocket?

473
00:21:55,861 --> 00:21:58,071
-I don't know what that is.
-Oh, it's, uh…

474
00:21:59,197 --> 00:22:01,074
Never mind. Yeah, sure.

475
00:22:01,158 --> 00:22:02,451
All right, come on.

476
00:22:03,327 --> 00:22:05,954
[Samberg] And while Ben's future
was still undecided,

477
00:22:06,455 --> 00:22:09,374
he was presently enjoying
his youth for once.

478
00:22:09,875 --> 00:22:12,085
All right, McEnroe, get back in here.

479
00:22:12,586 --> 00:22:15,213
Vacation's over,
you handsome son of a bitch.

480
00:22:16,715 --> 00:22:18,717
["Rhinestone Summer" continues playing]