1 00:00:15,641 --> 00:00:17,852 Welcome back to the amped-up brain 2 00:00:17,935 --> 00:00:20,813 of Sherman Oaks' favorite little try-hard, Ben Gross. 3 00:00:21,564 --> 00:00:24,192 I am Andy Samberg, and I'll once again be your guide 4 00:00:24,275 --> 00:00:26,778 to this kid's complicated interior life. 5 00:00:27,653 --> 00:00:31,157 Feel free to check your coats at the door, folks, because our boy has no chill. 6 00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:33,034 Let's go. 7 00:00:33,117 --> 00:00:35,244 Indeed, Ben, let us go. 8 00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:42,001 All right, crunch time. 9 00:00:42,543 --> 00:00:43,503 You got this. 10 00:00:44,003 --> 00:00:45,379 Ever since he was little, 11 00:00:45,463 --> 00:00:48,257 Ben had wanted to go to Columbia, just like his father had. 12 00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:52,303 But he knew that the only way to make sure he'd get in 13 00:00:52,386 --> 00:00:54,222 was to become an academic machine. 14 00:00:56,224 --> 00:00:59,143 Time for breakfast, my little prince. 15 00:00:59,227 --> 00:01:01,062 No time, Patty. I gotta get to school. 16 00:01:01,145 --> 00:01:03,397 You cannot think if you do not eat. 17 00:01:03,481 --> 00:01:07,068 You need to fuel that big, handsome brain of yours. 18 00:01:07,151 --> 00:01:09,195 It's okay. I'll just eat a jerky stick on the way. 19 00:01:09,278 --> 00:01:11,614 While your parents are in Arizona, 20 00:01:11,697 --> 00:01:15,409 I am in charge, and you are working too hard. 21 00:01:15,493 --> 00:01:17,620 You must slow down. 22 00:01:17,703 --> 00:01:19,872 I can't. There's too much at stake. 23 00:01:19,956 --> 00:01:22,250 Plus, people aren't rooting for rich kids anymore. 24 00:01:22,333 --> 00:01:25,628 We're in a post Operation Varsity Blues society, Patty. 25 00:01:25,711 --> 00:01:28,297 My dad can't just buy my way onto an Ivy League crew team 26 00:01:28,381 --> 00:01:29,674 like in the old days. 27 00:01:29,757 --> 00:01:32,051 I'm sure he didn't really mean it like that. 28 00:01:32,135 --> 00:01:35,388 He knows bribing your way into college is wrong. I hope. 29 00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:50,236 Hey, watch where you're going, dumbass. 30 00:01:51,571 --> 00:01:52,530 What'd you just call me? 31 00:01:53,197 --> 00:01:55,867 Nothin'. I… I was just talking to myself. 32 00:01:58,035 --> 00:02:00,037 Time to go to class, dumbass. 33 00:02:01,539 --> 00:02:03,499 -Okay. 34 00:02:03,583 --> 00:02:05,001 -What's up? -You look hungry. 35 00:02:05,084 --> 00:02:07,670 -Do I? -Yes. Get him. Get him. 36 00:02:07,753 --> 00:02:10,047 -Come on. -That doesn't even seem fun. 37 00:02:10,131 --> 00:02:12,884 Who needs developmentally crucial male bonding 38 00:02:12,967 --> 00:02:16,262 when you've got an A-plus diorama of the Irish Potato Famine. 39 00:02:16,762 --> 00:02:18,973 Wow, that sentence made me sad. 40 00:02:23,311 --> 00:02:24,145 Too easy. 41 00:02:33,196 --> 00:02:35,114 We say, "Let's play" 42 00:02:55,509 --> 00:02:56,552 I wanted to help you out, 43 00:02:56,636 --> 00:02:59,805 but not as much as I wanted to see those books fall. 44 00:03:07,396 --> 00:03:08,522 Ben Gross. 45 00:03:08,606 --> 00:03:10,858 There you are. 46 00:03:11,442 --> 00:03:12,568 We need to talk. 47 00:03:13,152 --> 00:03:15,780 I just found out that you're taking ten classes. 48 00:03:15,863 --> 00:03:16,781 That's crazy. 49 00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:18,866 You need to drop two classes immediately. 50 00:03:18,950 --> 00:03:20,034 What? No. 51 00:03:20,117 --> 00:03:22,078 This is the second semester of junior year. 52 00:03:22,161 --> 00:03:24,997 I can't slow down now. I mean, it's almost D-Day, baby. 53 00:03:25,081 --> 00:03:26,791 Do not call me "baby." 54 00:03:26,874 --> 00:03:28,960 Sorry. It just sort of rolled out of my mouth. 55 00:03:29,043 --> 00:03:32,755 Look, Ben, your schedule is untenable. You don't have a lunch period anymore. 56 00:03:32,838 --> 00:03:35,466 I don't need a lunch period. I have a system. 57 00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:38,135 Mm-hmm, yes, I've seen you with your meat sticks. 58 00:03:38,219 --> 00:03:41,222 Look, you have until tomorrow to drop two classes or I will drop them. 59 00:03:41,305 --> 00:03:42,181 You can't do this. 60 00:03:42,265 --> 00:03:44,517 I already did, baby. 61 00:03:45,643 --> 00:03:46,978 Mr. Hall-Yoshida! 62 00:03:49,063 --> 00:03:51,274 I'm still waiting on that college essay. 63 00:03:51,357 --> 00:03:54,026 Yep, I'm on it. I'm basically done. 64 00:03:54,110 --> 00:03:55,903 Oh, so you'll be sending it over tonight? 65 00:03:55,987 --> 00:03:56,988 Totally. 66 00:03:57,071 --> 00:03:59,031 You told me that yesterday, and I got nothing. 67 00:03:59,115 --> 00:04:00,783 Probably went to spam. 68 00:04:00,866 --> 00:04:02,994 Don't lie to my face, little boy. 69 00:04:03,494 --> 00:04:04,912 Get me that essay. 70 00:04:05,788 --> 00:04:06,789 -You got it. -Mm-hmm. 71 00:04:09,625 --> 00:04:12,545 And why are you still standing here? Don't you have a class to get to? 72 00:04:16,090 --> 00:04:20,469 All right, another fun group project this week. 73 00:04:20,553 --> 00:04:25,182 You're gonna create presentations based on the next few units in your syllabus 74 00:04:25,266 --> 00:04:27,601 and then teach those units to the class. 75 00:04:27,685 --> 00:04:32,023 Wait. Are you asking us to make lesson plans and then teach them? 76 00:04:32,106 --> 00:04:33,107 Isn't that your job? 77 00:04:33,190 --> 00:04:35,443 That's a lot of nit-picking from you, Devi. 78 00:04:36,152 --> 00:04:39,947 Who do you think you are, my wife? Sorry. Ex-wife. 79 00:04:40,031 --> 00:04:41,490 If it wasn't clear already, 80 00:04:41,574 --> 00:04:43,743 Mr. Brighton was going through an acrimonious divorce, 81 00:04:43,826 --> 00:04:45,995 and he wasn't handling it well. 82 00:04:46,078 --> 00:04:48,956 Um, get into groups of three. 83 00:04:49,498 --> 00:04:50,791 Shouldn't be that hard to choose. 84 00:04:50,875 --> 00:04:53,419 It's like how my two sons chose their mother. 85 00:04:53,502 --> 00:04:55,129 So, you wanna team up? 86 00:04:55,713 --> 00:04:58,507 You're the only person in class who hates group projects as much as I do. 87 00:04:58,591 --> 00:05:01,052 Yeah. My last group partner transferred classes 88 00:05:01,135 --> 00:05:04,096 because he claimed my emails were "violently smug." 89 00:05:04,764 --> 00:05:07,058 Oh, look who it is. 90 00:05:07,141 --> 00:05:11,604 Two of my closest friends in school, Crazy Devi and, uh, this dude. 91 00:05:11,687 --> 00:05:14,774 Trent, are you trying to be in our group just so you can get an A? 92 00:05:14,857 --> 00:05:16,525 How dare you suggest that? 93 00:05:16,609 --> 00:05:19,653 I was coming over to say hey and to inquire about your well-being. 94 00:05:19,737 --> 00:05:23,199 You can be in our group if you use your fake ID to buy us beer whenever we want. 95 00:05:23,282 --> 00:05:24,116 Deal. 96 00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:25,659 All right. 97 00:05:26,285 --> 00:05:30,748 Uh, I have some free time between- 15 and- 00 a.m. tonight to work on this. 98 00:05:31,332 --> 00:05:33,584 -That good for you guys? -Are you out of your mind? 99 00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:35,419 We're not operating on your psycho schedule. 100 00:05:35,503 --> 00:05:37,505 Both of you guys just come to my house after school. 101 00:05:37,588 --> 00:05:40,132 No, I can't. That's when I Zoom with my Mandarin teacher. 102 00:05:40,716 --> 00:05:43,844 Okay. Trent will do your section, and I'll just put your name on it. 103 00:05:43,928 --> 00:05:44,762 No. 104 00:05:45,304 --> 00:05:46,138 I'll be there. 105 00:05:46,222 --> 00:05:47,807 -Hmm. 106 00:05:48,432 --> 00:05:50,309 I've never gotten so close to having to do work. 107 00:05:50,393 --> 00:05:52,561 Okay, looks like Ben's overbooked afternoon 108 00:05:52,645 --> 00:05:54,313 was now even more overbooked. 109 00:05:54,814 --> 00:05:56,357 But if anyone could do it, 110 00:05:57,358 --> 00:05:59,402 -Ben could. 111 00:05:59,485 --> 00:06:02,113 Yeesh! You okay, little dude? 112 00:06:06,575 --> 00:06:10,538 Okay. We have to cover chapter six, Circular Motion and Gravitation. 113 00:06:10,621 --> 00:06:11,622 With all dude respect, 114 00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:14,083 I can't do that chapter because of religious reasons. 115 00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:19,004 My belief system does not include a "round" Earth. 116 00:06:19,088 --> 00:06:22,049 Trent, how are you in AP physics? 117 00:06:22,133 --> 00:06:23,509 I just signed up. 118 00:06:23,592 --> 00:06:25,386 I figured if I'm gonna get a D anyway, 119 00:06:25,469 --> 00:06:29,265 why not get a D in an AP class because it basically counts as a C. 120 00:06:29,348 --> 00:06:30,975 That's actually not that bad of a plan. 121 00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:33,436 It's certainly better than the one you're working with now. 122 00:06:33,519 --> 00:06:35,479 It's actually not, because I do have an F. 123 00:06:35,563 --> 00:06:36,772 What's wrong with my plan? 124 00:06:36,856 --> 00:06:39,400 -It's insane. -Because I'm taking ten classes? 125 00:06:39,483 --> 00:06:43,487 No, I'm taking eleven classes, but three of them are bullshit electives. 126 00:06:43,571 --> 00:06:46,157 Two arts and a class that's a nature walk once a week. 127 00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:49,368 -My homework was to pick up an acorn. -You think that'll get you into Princeton? 128 00:06:49,452 --> 00:06:51,412 How much you smoking on the nature walks? 129 00:06:51,495 --> 00:06:54,457 They might look at my résumé and see a couple of easy A's, 130 00:06:54,540 --> 00:06:57,751 but it still will be better than when you get a bunch of B's. 131 00:06:57,835 --> 00:06:59,962 How dare you? I would never get a B. 132 00:07:00,045 --> 00:07:02,756 You will if you keep grinding away at your bonkers schedule. 133 00:07:03,382 --> 00:07:06,927 I am really looking forward to becoming Valedictorian 134 00:07:07,011 --> 00:07:10,890 and looking at you sitting alphabetically with the rest of the losers at graduation. 135 00:07:10,973 --> 00:07:12,349 Over my dead bu-- 136 00:07:12,433 --> 00:07:15,686 Did you just say, "Over my dead butt"? 137 00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:17,563 I love that. Can I steal that from you? 138 00:07:17,646 --> 00:07:18,772 Devi, what-- 139 00:07:20,024 --> 00:07:23,068 Devi, what did I tell you about closing the door when boys are here? 140 00:07:23,152 --> 00:07:26,989 You do not have to worry about these two. They barely register as boys to me. 141 00:07:28,073 --> 00:07:31,619 God. Fine. Rhyah's coming over for dinner. Will you be joining us? 142 00:07:31,702 --> 00:07:34,038 Ugh! No, thanks. I'll just eat some frozen crap later. 143 00:07:47,384 --> 00:07:49,553 All right, guys, I'll compile our work together 144 00:07:49,637 --> 00:07:50,888 and send it over to Ben 145 00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:53,974 because obviously, you have a better printing situation. 146 00:07:54,058 --> 00:07:56,685 I will buy more black ink when we use up all the cyan. 147 00:07:56,769 --> 00:08:00,105 Trent and Ben, you both are more than welcome to join if you'd like. 148 00:08:00,189 --> 00:08:02,900 I wish I could, but I have six more hours of homework. 149 00:08:03,484 --> 00:08:05,402 Damn, six hours of homework? 150 00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:08,614 Are you in medical school? 151 00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:11,242 -It's you. -Hey, Devi. 152 00:08:11,951 --> 00:08:13,577 Who the dick is this? 153 00:08:13,661 --> 00:08:15,579 And why is she looking at him like that? 154 00:08:15,663 --> 00:08:17,998 Hey, Andy, John McEnroe here. 155 00:08:18,082 --> 00:08:19,416 Let me clarify. 156 00:08:19,500 --> 00:08:22,586 That's Des, and the reason why Ben doesn't remember him 157 00:08:22,670 --> 00:08:26,340 is because while Devi and Des were doing this at Trent's party, 158 00:08:27,550 --> 00:08:29,343 your boy was doing this. 159 00:08:32,680 --> 00:08:35,266 Oh, right, the cousin who wasn't a cousin. 160 00:08:35,933 --> 00:08:39,228 Yeah, we were a bit a-durnk that night. 161 00:08:39,311 --> 00:08:41,772 Mom, can I steal you for a moment? 162 00:08:45,776 --> 00:08:48,571 -Why didn't you tell me we had guests? -I did, 30 minutes ago. 163 00:08:48,654 --> 00:08:51,407 But you didn't tell me her son was coming too. God! 164 00:08:51,490 --> 00:08:54,994 In this moment, Ben forgot about his mountain of homework. 165 00:08:55,077 --> 00:08:58,998 The only thing that mattered was seeing what the vibe was between these two. 166 00:08:59,081 --> 00:09:01,917 You know what? I'd actually love to stay for dinner. 167 00:09:02,001 --> 00:09:03,586 It smells amazing. 168 00:09:03,669 --> 00:09:05,754 -Aw. -No doy. 169 00:09:05,838 --> 00:09:08,340 The cardamom is frickin' aromatic, bro. 170 00:09:08,924 --> 00:09:10,050 Hmm. 171 00:09:10,134 --> 00:09:13,304 So, Des, what a fun surprise seeing you. 172 00:09:13,387 --> 00:09:14,471 What you been up to? 173 00:09:14,555 --> 00:09:16,432 Maybe camping in the woods with no service? 174 00:09:16,515 --> 00:09:18,183 Or doing a tech cleanse in Joshua Tree? 175 00:09:18,267 --> 00:09:20,519 Oh, I wish he would do a tech cleanse. 176 00:09:20,603 --> 00:09:23,022 This kid is nonstop texting all day long. 177 00:09:23,105 --> 00:09:26,066 Wow. Nonstop texting? 178 00:09:26,150 --> 00:09:27,943 -Fascinating. -Is it? 179 00:09:28,027 --> 00:09:32,489 Well, sometimes my texts don't go through because service is spotty and stuff. 180 00:09:32,573 --> 00:09:33,449 Hmm. 181 00:09:33,532 --> 00:09:34,950 Yikes. 182 00:09:35,034 --> 00:09:36,744 Now Ben was getting the picture, 183 00:09:36,827 --> 00:09:39,163 and his pangs of jealousy were turning to pity 184 00:09:39,246 --> 00:09:43,208 knowing Devi had been ditched by yet another pretty dummy. 185 00:09:43,292 --> 00:09:45,169 Oh, we got big news today. 186 00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:47,379 -Desi, tell Nalini Auntie. -Mom, come on, I don't need-- 187 00:09:47,463 --> 00:09:50,341 Okay, fine. If you don't want to brag about yourself, then I will. 188 00:09:50,841 --> 00:09:53,093 Des got into Stanford early. 189 00:09:53,177 --> 00:09:55,554 - And now we're back to jealousy. 190 00:09:55,638 --> 00:09:56,722 Are you all right, Ben? 191 00:09:56,805 --> 00:09:59,266 Food shouldn't be too spicy. I added milk to yours. 192 00:09:59,350 --> 00:10:01,226 Oh, no, I'm… I'm okay. 193 00:10:06,815 --> 00:10:10,569 So, how about that dinner last night? Someone seemed a little thirsty. 194 00:10:10,653 --> 00:10:12,446 Yeah. You. 195 00:10:12,529 --> 00:10:14,448 When you found out that Des was going to Stanford, 196 00:10:14,531 --> 00:10:16,492 you were like trying so hard to one-up him. 197 00:10:16,575 --> 00:10:17,660 Mmm, no, I wasn't. 198 00:10:17,743 --> 00:10:20,871 Yeah, you were. You started speaking to him in Mandarin out of nowhere. 199 00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:22,039 Mm, I don't remember that. 200 00:10:22,790 --> 00:10:23,707 Mmm. 201 00:10:24,792 --> 00:10:26,710 I filmed it so I can make fun of you later. 202 00:10:26,794 --> 00:10:31,548 You don't speak Mandarin? That's surprising. 203 00:10:31,632 --> 00:10:34,259 Everyone really should speak it with how globalized the world is becoming. 204 00:10:34,343 --> 00:10:39,056 Whatever. So what's your deal with him? Do you, like, like him or something? 205 00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:42,601 Mmm, I dunno. Do we talk about people we like now with each other? 206 00:10:42,685 --> 00:10:43,977 Yeah, why not? 207 00:10:44,061 --> 00:10:47,314 I mean, you see me plowing my way through half the girls at school. 208 00:10:47,398 --> 00:10:50,609 Hmm. Okay. Well, it's weird. 209 00:10:50,693 --> 00:10:54,071 He asked me for my number, and then I never heard from him again. 210 00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:56,824 But last night, he was a little flirty, right? 211 00:10:56,907 --> 00:10:58,659 -With his mom? Yes. -Ben! 212 00:10:58,742 --> 00:11:00,369 Yeah, maybe there was a vibe there. 213 00:11:00,452 --> 00:11:02,788 But it was hard to tell with how lame you were being. 214 00:11:02,871 --> 00:11:05,833 "I don't know if I'm gonna apply to Stanford. We'll see if it's a good fit." 215 00:11:05,916 --> 00:11:09,128 Let's be clear. You'd give 1,000 HJs to go to Stanford. 216 00:11:09,211 --> 00:11:12,965 Do you want me to smack that meat tube out of your tiny hands and beat you with it? 217 00:11:13,048 --> 00:11:16,468 Fine. You want my advice? Stop trying so hard. 218 00:11:16,552 --> 00:11:19,513 -Just be yourself and ask him out. -Really? 219 00:11:19,596 --> 00:11:22,683 Yeah. What do you have to lose? Certainly not your dignity. 220 00:11:29,189 --> 00:11:31,066 Okay, guys, the moment has come. 221 00:11:31,150 --> 00:11:34,445 Turn in your essays on how you will use calculus in real life. 222 00:11:37,990 --> 00:11:39,032 Wait, what? 223 00:11:39,116 --> 00:11:41,910 We did an essay in math? That doesn't even make sense. 224 00:11:41,994 --> 00:11:44,246 It does make sense if you're a public school teacher 225 00:11:44,329 --> 00:11:46,540 who's been disrespected for almost three decades. 226 00:11:46,623 --> 00:11:48,417 Ben had missed this assignment 227 00:11:48,500 --> 00:11:51,587 because he had started listening to an audiobook of King Lear 228 00:11:51,670 --> 00:11:53,172 midway through yesterday's class. 229 00:11:53,255 --> 00:11:55,799 -Pointless? Well, that is it. 230 00:11:55,883 --> 00:12:00,012 You'll all be writing an essay explaining how you use calculus in real life. 231 00:12:01,555 --> 00:12:03,682 I missed it. Can I get it to you tomorrow? 232 00:12:03,766 --> 00:12:06,518 Calculus not a priority for you, Ben? 233 00:12:06,602 --> 00:12:09,104 Maybe you want to spend your time on more practical subjects 234 00:12:09,188 --> 00:12:11,482 like personal finance or health? 235 00:12:11,565 --> 00:12:12,566 No, I just-- 236 00:12:12,649 --> 00:12:15,444 Guess what, Ben? You get a zero on this assignment. 237 00:12:15,527 --> 00:12:18,238 A zero? No, but if I get a zero on this essay, 238 00:12:18,322 --> 00:12:20,699 -that will bring my grade down to a-- -B. 239 00:12:21,992 --> 00:12:24,703 Okay, so, Savannah, you're the one who said, quote, 240 00:12:24,787 --> 00:12:28,123 "It's hella pointless to learn this wack-ass math I'll never use." 241 00:12:28,207 --> 00:12:30,793 So, why don't you read your essay first? 242 00:12:31,376 --> 00:12:34,630 The worst had happened. Ben had gotten a B. 243 00:12:34,713 --> 00:12:38,342 His GPA would be pulled down to the disgusting upper fours. 244 00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:39,968 But he couldn't even focus on that 245 00:12:40,052 --> 00:12:43,514 because something extraordinarily painful was happening to his insides. 246 00:12:47,643 --> 00:12:49,436 Oh, hey, you okay? 247 00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:52,773 I think my appendix burst. I gotta go to the hospital. 248 00:12:52,856 --> 00:12:54,525 -Oh shit. 249 00:12:56,610 --> 00:13:00,155 Can you please carry me in a less emasculating way? 250 00:13:00,239 --> 00:13:03,408 Radiology tech 165 to OR3. 251 00:13:04,076 --> 00:13:06,745 Radiology tech 165 to OR3. 252 00:13:06,829 --> 00:13:08,997 Well, Mr. Gross, it's not appendicitis. 253 00:13:09,081 --> 00:13:10,457 It's not? Are you sure? 254 00:13:10,541 --> 00:13:13,168 Where'd you do your residency? Are you still doing it? 255 00:13:14,002 --> 00:13:17,339 I'm going to ignore that series of questions and cut to the chase. 256 00:13:17,422 --> 00:13:19,883 It appears the pain you're experiencing 257 00:13:19,967 --> 00:13:23,136 is the result of impacted fecal matter in your colon. 258 00:13:23,971 --> 00:13:26,890 Most likely caused by stress and poor diet. 259 00:13:26,974 --> 00:13:27,933 Excuse me? 260 00:13:28,016 --> 00:13:31,728 W-Wait. So, like, he's full of shit? 261 00:13:31,812 --> 00:13:34,523 Yes, I guess you could put it that way. 262 00:13:35,107 --> 00:13:37,609 Yeah, not really a diagnosis you want to get 263 00:13:37,693 --> 00:13:39,611 in front of the most popular kid at your school. 264 00:13:40,112 --> 00:13:42,990 When was the last time you had a bowel movement? 265 00:13:43,073 --> 00:13:46,618 Uh, I don't think it's been that long, like, if today's Thursday… 266 00:13:47,703 --> 00:13:48,787 Sixteen days? 267 00:13:48,871 --> 00:13:50,414 -Oh my God. Oh my God. 268 00:13:50,497 --> 00:13:54,334 Okay, due to the frankly incredible volume of waste in your body, 269 00:13:54,418 --> 00:13:56,628 we will need to perform a surgical procedure 270 00:13:56,712 --> 00:13:57,880 to remove it immediately. 271 00:13:57,963 --> 00:14:00,424 Wait. What am I supposed to do? My parents are in Phoenix. 272 00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:03,969 My dad's helping Devin Booker launch his new skincare line called NBAgeless. 273 00:14:04,052 --> 00:14:07,931 I know. I contacted your parents, and they referred me to your babysitter, 274 00:14:08,015 --> 00:14:10,893 Patty Shevchenko, but we haven't been able to reach her. 275 00:14:10,976 --> 00:14:12,895 Is there another adult who can stay with you? 276 00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:15,939 Um, I'm 18. 277 00:14:16,023 --> 00:14:20,027 I can stay while you empty the shit from him. 278 00:14:20,110 --> 00:14:24,323 If there is a just and merciful God, just kill Ben. 279 00:14:24,406 --> 00:14:25,908 -Kill him now. 280 00:14:29,077 --> 00:14:30,037 Mr. Gross. 281 00:14:31,997 --> 00:14:34,166 Mr. Gross, it was a successful procedure. 282 00:14:34,249 --> 00:14:35,250 How do you feel? 283 00:14:37,336 --> 00:14:39,338 Good. I think. 284 00:14:39,421 --> 00:14:43,592 Now we just need you and your adult friend to wait here until you pass gas. 285 00:14:43,675 --> 00:14:46,553 And the humiliation keeps a-coming. 286 00:14:46,637 --> 00:14:48,847 It's standard. Just so we know your GI tract 287 00:14:48,931 --> 00:14:50,599 is functioning properly post-op. 288 00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:53,435 So how big a fart we talking here, Doc? 289 00:14:53,936 --> 00:14:55,896 Like a real sheet rustler? 290 00:14:55,979 --> 00:14:58,523 Always a pleasure dealing with teen boys. 291 00:15:00,651 --> 00:15:02,319 Well, this is mortifying. 292 00:15:03,111 --> 00:15:05,113 You know, I kinda thought getting cheated on by Devi 293 00:15:05,197 --> 00:15:07,199 would've been the end of our journey together. 294 00:15:07,282 --> 00:15:09,576 Yeah. Yet, here we are. 295 00:15:09,660 --> 00:15:11,036 Waiting for your farts. 296 00:15:14,957 --> 00:15:16,541 So, how is Devi? 297 00:15:17,668 --> 00:15:18,877 She's good, I guess. 298 00:15:19,670 --> 00:15:21,797 Actually, she kind of has this new guy now, 299 00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:25,717 and weirdly he's sort of a combo of the two of us if we were also Indian. 300 00:15:27,636 --> 00:15:30,722 I always wondered how she liked both of us at the same time. 301 00:15:31,223 --> 00:15:33,308 You know, because we're so different. 302 00:15:33,392 --> 00:15:35,978 Yeah, you're a cool hunk, and I'm a friendless dweeb. I get it. 303 00:15:36,061 --> 00:15:37,980 No, I… I didn't mean it like that. 304 00:15:39,231 --> 00:15:42,025 I actually used to be kinda jealous of you. 305 00:15:42,109 --> 00:15:43,527 Huh? Why? 306 00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:45,737 Because you're smart like she is. 307 00:15:46,279 --> 00:15:49,241 That's, like, a connection I could never have. 308 00:15:49,950 --> 00:15:50,784 Yeah, well, 309 00:15:51,535 --> 00:15:53,870 being smart isn't all that it's cracked up to be. 310 00:15:53,954 --> 00:15:55,956 You probably don't go to the hospital very often 311 00:15:56,039 --> 00:15:57,958 with stress-induced constipation. 312 00:15:58,041 --> 00:16:01,128 No, I definitely don't. 313 00:16:03,964 --> 00:16:06,091 So, why are you so stressed out? 314 00:16:06,174 --> 00:16:08,677 Oh, I don't know. Maybe because my entire life trajectory 315 00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:10,762 is determined by the outcome of the next six months. 316 00:16:11,555 --> 00:16:14,933 Are you talking about college? Dude, you'll get into college. 317 00:16:15,017 --> 00:16:17,185 I don't want to get into just any college. 318 00:16:17,269 --> 00:16:21,023 I want to go to Columbia, and I'm not sure if I can get in. 319 00:16:21,106 --> 00:16:23,233 So then you don't get in. Who cares? 320 00:16:23,316 --> 00:16:24,317 No, not "who cares?" 321 00:16:24,401 --> 00:16:26,737 -I have to get in. -Or what? 322 00:16:26,820 --> 00:16:29,239 Or all this work was for nothing. My future is ruined, 323 00:16:29,322 --> 00:16:32,743 and I disappoint myself, and my family, and, you know, my dad. 324 00:16:33,368 --> 00:16:35,245 This is all about your dad? 325 00:16:35,912 --> 00:16:37,622 Dude, tell him to go to hell. 326 00:16:37,706 --> 00:16:41,209 You work so hard, you haven't had time to shit in two weeks. 327 00:16:41,293 --> 00:16:43,462 If I was your dad, I'd be proud of you. 328 00:16:44,796 --> 00:16:47,257 Not because of the not shitting part 329 00:16:47,340 --> 00:16:49,801 but because of the hardworking part. 330 00:16:51,136 --> 00:16:54,056 Thanks. Let's change the subject. What are you working on? 331 00:16:54,139 --> 00:16:56,266 Ugh. This stupid college essay. 332 00:16:56,975 --> 00:16:58,143 The question sucks. 333 00:16:58,226 --> 00:17:01,229 "Discuss an event that shaped you into who you are." 334 00:17:01,980 --> 00:17:03,482 I just… I don't know how to answer it. 335 00:17:03,565 --> 00:17:05,692 Hmm. Do you not know what an event is? 336 00:17:05,776 --> 00:17:07,778 What the fuck, man? 337 00:17:07,861 --> 00:17:09,821 I know what an event is, dude. 338 00:17:11,156 --> 00:17:12,157 I just… 339 00:17:13,784 --> 00:17:16,078 I don't really know who I am. 340 00:17:16,161 --> 00:17:18,830 Gimme a break. What do you mean you don't know who you are? 341 00:17:18,914 --> 00:17:21,416 You're the only person at our school who's not a nobody. 342 00:17:21,500 --> 00:17:23,543 The lunch ladies named a dessert after you. 343 00:17:23,627 --> 00:17:27,005 Yeah, that's all surface stuff. That's not who I am. 344 00:17:27,798 --> 00:17:29,966 Okay. Then who are you? 345 00:17:30,050 --> 00:17:31,093 I don't know. 346 00:17:31,968 --> 00:17:34,262 Like, I think I'm someone… 347 00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:38,100 Forget it. This is embarrassing. 348 00:17:38,183 --> 00:17:42,187 You can't possibly embarrass yourself more than I have tonight, so get over it. 349 00:17:42,687 --> 00:17:44,689 What do you know is true about yourself? 350 00:17:44,773 --> 00:17:47,734 I mean, I'm a really good brother. 351 00:17:48,610 --> 00:17:51,863 Maybe I could talk about when my sister was adopted. I-- 352 00:17:51,947 --> 00:17:55,117 Wait, you have an adopted sister? That's essay gold. 353 00:17:55,659 --> 00:17:57,285 Okay. Why don't you start making a list 354 00:17:57,369 --> 00:17:59,788 of all the ways that she's helped you learn about yourself? 355 00:18:00,288 --> 00:18:03,125 Come on. I can… help you. 356 00:18:07,629 --> 00:18:10,257 And so, after a humiliating afternoon, 357 00:18:10,340 --> 00:18:11,967 things started to look up. 358 00:18:12,050 --> 00:18:15,011 Not only did Ben finally get some much-needed male bonding, 359 00:18:15,095 --> 00:18:18,181 but also his fart arrived quietly in the night, 360 00:18:18,265 --> 00:18:21,101 rustling nary a sheet nor a nostril. 361 00:18:28,942 --> 00:18:29,776 Hey, champ. 362 00:18:33,321 --> 00:18:36,408 Dad? Why aren't you in Arizona? 363 00:18:36,491 --> 00:18:38,160 Because my kid was in the hospital. 364 00:18:38,243 --> 00:18:39,161 You okay? 365 00:18:39,244 --> 00:18:41,997 Yeah. Yeah, I'm all right. 366 00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:44,416 The doctor said this was caused by stress. 367 00:18:44,958 --> 00:18:47,711 Sounds like you might be a workaholic like your old man. 368 00:18:47,794 --> 00:18:48,628 Yeah. 369 00:18:50,213 --> 00:18:52,340 But, um, actually, 370 00:18:53,049 --> 00:18:54,384 I don't think I want to be. 371 00:18:56,303 --> 00:18:58,346 Dad, I'm gonna scale my schedule back, 372 00:18:58,972 --> 00:19:02,017 but that also might hurt my chances of getting into Columbia. 373 00:19:03,143 --> 00:19:04,895 And I know how much that means to you. 374 00:19:05,896 --> 00:19:06,730 You know, 375 00:19:07,689 --> 00:19:12,235 half the reason I've worked so hard my whole life 376 00:19:12,944 --> 00:19:15,530 was to make my dad proud of me. 377 00:19:16,907 --> 00:19:19,618 I mean, he's been dead 30 years, 378 00:19:19,701 --> 00:19:22,495 and I'm still trying to impress the son of a bitch. 379 00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:26,416 Ben, I'm proud of you. 380 00:19:27,292 --> 00:19:28,752 Wherever you go to college, 381 00:19:28,835 --> 00:19:31,254 whatever you do in this life, 382 00:19:31,796 --> 00:19:32,923 I'm proud of you. 383 00:19:33,006 --> 00:19:34,591 Come on, Dad. 384 00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:35,634 No, I mean it. 385 00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:37,969 And I want you to hear it. 386 00:19:38,929 --> 00:19:42,182 I know I haven't always been the best dad, 387 00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:46,603 but this is where I can be better than mine. 388 00:19:47,979 --> 00:19:50,398 You are a brilliant boy. 389 00:19:51,816 --> 00:19:53,401 And I really love you. 390 00:19:54,236 --> 00:19:56,112 I love you too, Dad. 391 00:19:57,155 --> 00:20:00,450 Finally, Ben heard the words he'd been longing to hear. 392 00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:03,620 And for the first time since probably preschool, 393 00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:05,372 he didn't feel stressed at all. 394 00:20:08,833 --> 00:20:12,254 The next day, Ben was lighter in more ways than one. 395 00:20:12,337 --> 00:20:13,880 Morning, Principal Grubbs. 396 00:20:13,964 --> 00:20:17,300 I've decided to drop AP Calculus BC and statistics. 397 00:20:17,384 --> 00:20:18,510 Good. 398 00:20:19,010 --> 00:20:21,304 I'm so glad you came to your senses. 399 00:20:21,388 --> 00:20:25,475 Ben finally realized that Columbia was not the end-all be-all. 400 00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:29,396 Would it be okay if I added an elective though? Maybe art studio? 401 00:20:29,479 --> 00:20:31,523 But he was still going to apply. 402 00:20:31,606 --> 00:20:32,649 Fine. 403 00:20:33,149 --> 00:20:35,151 Paxton! Oh! 404 00:20:36,820 --> 00:20:38,613 Great job on the essay. 405 00:20:38,697 --> 00:20:39,656 Very moving. 406 00:20:40,156 --> 00:20:42,826 I didn't know you could actually be so deep. 407 00:20:42,909 --> 00:20:43,743 I cried. 408 00:20:44,744 --> 00:20:46,288 -Really? -Mm-hmm. 409 00:20:53,878 --> 00:20:54,713 Hey. 410 00:20:54,796 --> 00:20:55,839 Oh, hey. 411 00:20:56,464 --> 00:20:58,550 Guess what? Des and I are going on a date. 412 00:20:58,633 --> 00:21:02,929 -Wow. Did you blackmail him or something? -Even worse. I took your advice. 413 00:21:03,013 --> 00:21:06,725 I texted him and asked him if he wanted to get FroYo sometime, and he said yes. 414 00:21:07,350 --> 00:21:09,686 So, while it pains me to say this, 415 00:21:10,186 --> 00:21:11,021 thank you. 416 00:21:11,104 --> 00:21:14,065 This would normally prompt a twinge of jealousy in Ben, 417 00:21:14,691 --> 00:21:16,318 but if last night taught him anything, 418 00:21:16,401 --> 00:21:19,154 it was that he needed to let go of whatever caused him pain. 419 00:21:19,237 --> 00:21:20,447 Do you wanna sit down? 420 00:21:21,031 --> 00:21:23,700 No. I'm just grabbing a soda before class. 421 00:21:24,701 --> 00:21:26,953 You know, I hope you don't blow it with that guy, David. 422 00:21:27,037 --> 00:21:28,413 He could be your meal ticket. 423 00:21:28,496 --> 00:21:31,833 He wishes. I'm gonna be the first ethical billionaire, like Rihanna. 424 00:21:31,916 --> 00:21:33,293 No such thing. 425 00:21:38,173 --> 00:21:39,007 What the hell? 426 00:21:39,090 --> 00:21:41,718 Yo, I heard you helped my best friend last night. 427 00:21:44,387 --> 00:21:45,847 -Um… 428 00:21:45,930 --> 00:21:49,934 Any friend of my friend is also my friend. 429 00:21:50,018 --> 00:21:51,478 Oh, it's cool, Trent. 430 00:21:51,561 --> 00:21:53,730 Noice. Wanna hang with us? 431 00:21:53,813 --> 00:21:55,315 Like with you and the Hot Pocket? 432 00:21:55,899 --> 00:21:58,109 -I don't know what that is. -Oh, it's, uh… 433 00:21:59,235 --> 00:22:01,112 Never mind. Yeah, sure. 434 00:22:01,196 --> 00:22:02,489 All right, come on. 435 00:22:03,365 --> 00:22:05,992 And while Ben's future was still undecided, 436 00:22:06,493 --> 00:22:09,412 he was presently enjoying his youth for once. 437 00:22:09,913 --> 00:22:12,123 All right, McEnroe, get back in here. 438 00:22:12,624 --> 00:22:15,251 Vacation's over, you handsome son of a bitch.