[Dewey]. Oh, this is so warm.
It's like Rio de Janeiro. Oh!
[Roach]. What's that?
It's a city in Brazil.
[Roach]. Serious?
[Dewey]. It smells like this.
Is that a fucking garbage fire?
Dude, we were wondering that too.
Yeah? Were you two geniuses wondering enough
to do something about it?
Uh, we were trying to contain it.
How? - By watching it.
Only then can we truly understand it.
We're the guardians of the inferno.
I tried pouring my coffee on it and nothing happened.
Should we pull a fire alarm?
Well there's a fire extinguisher right there.
You're part of the volunteer fire team for fuck sakes!
Uh, I am at work right now so I can't volunteer.
Yeah, get smarter. - A conflict of interest.
Do I gotta fucking do everything around here?
What are your interests?
Oh buddy, insects are the best.
[Todd]. Can you believe this shit?
I built this terrarium where a spider and a bee battle.
I give honey to the bee, I give water to the tarantula,
and they go at it. - Idiots!
Who started it? - Spontaneous.
Seriously? No one knows?
It was Jesus, I assume.
[coughing]
Clean it up!
Where'd my smoke go?
[coughing and gagging]
[Todd]. Okay, let's get to the bottom of this goddamn fire.
Shit. There's birds in front of all the cameras.
No clear visuals.
Just birds. More birds.
Taser's been feeding the fucking pigeons again.
So we don't know who started it.
Okay, standard protocol is we open up
a fire incident investigation, sit everybody down,
conduct interviews.
Hope for a snitch.
No. Snitches get stitches.
Damn right.
I know these guys inside out.
Let me handle this.
[indistinct chattering]
So, no one has fessed up to starting the garbage fire.
[Dewey]. Nope.
And I know you're not gonna publicly rat anyone out,
so we're gonna do it anonymously.
Oh please, that's a confession box for cowards!
[everyone chattering]
We take fires very serious around here.
We figure out what happened, it never happens again
and we go back to work. So...
[Barb]. I don't wanna work.
Feel free to share. I'm here to listen.
[Homer] My ass! - Well, I'm, I'm here to read.
Todd's got a bitch box! - Todd's got a bitch box!
[everyone in unison] Todd's got a bitch box!
[indistinct chattering]
Real fucking funny.
[upbeat music]
[Steph]. Come on, people.
It's not that hard.
So no one has anything to say.
That's nice. - Hmm.
[Todd]. We're not leaving this room
until we get to the bottom of this.
Just gonna sit here all fucking day?
[Steph]. Fill the cards out. Let's go.
All right, Toddy- - [Homer] Traitor.
You want me to cum in your box?
Something you don't know anything about.
It's a start. Thank you.
That's not anonymous. We all know who wrote it.
I just want to get back to work.
Keep it coming.
[Backwoods]. So what do you think?
You wanna touch all the bases a little later?
A little quickie, uh, check-in?
[Todd]. Who else has one?
A little FaceTime, except my face will be right in your...
Okay, you're not very good at this, are you?
There you go, bud.
I could be up for a little impromptu tool inspection.
This is gonna start a real fucking fire.
[Todd]. Well that's the spirit.
Let's get this show on the road.
[Homer]. Suck on that, Todd.
I'm not reading that one out loud.
[Taser]. Do it!
You have to read them out loud, Todd.
There's no writing.
Do you want me to describe this?
[Taser] Yes. - Sure.
This is a vagina pissing on a fire.
[Barb]. Wait, whose is that?
[Backwoods]. Oh, nummy, nummy, nummy, nummy.
No help there. - [Barb] Nice work, Dewey.
[Homer]. That is anatomically correct.
[Tanner]. Can I have that?
It is well done, though. Very hairy.
I have to read dirty things all the time.
I'm HR. - [Bev] Yeah, we know.
Allow me.
[Taser]. Hey Homer, I think this one's mine.
Uh... - It's okay.
You don't wanna read that.
[Homer]. Yeah, let her read it, Todd.
Trust me. - [Barb] Give it to her!
I got it. - [Taser] Check this one out.
"Janet needs to get laid."
[Taser]. Yes, she does.
This is 100% accurate.
It's the truth. [laughs] I'm desperate.
[Taser] Told ya! - Feedback cards, eh?
You sure you don't want to just use standard protocol for fires?
You know, question people, establish timelines,
identify ignition source.
Trying to think outside the box here.
By thinking inside the box?
I think this may actually work.
Okay. Keep me posted.
[upbeat music]
"The piss cookies in the shitter are rank."
[Dewey]. They're stinky.
"Janet needs to stop flapping her gums about how I dress."
[Taser]. That's me.
Are we running a refinery here or a beauty pageant?
Your laces are always loose.
Yep.
Your coveralls stink like shit.
It's my musk.
And you cut the sleeves off of every shirt,
which is unhygienic.
I gotta let my arms breathe.
[Homer]. Preach, Taser.
I get more complaints about you
than I do anyone else in the facility.
Really?
That's what I was going for.
And you're a shit driver.
[crowd gasping]
[Bev]. Thems fighting words!
You never yield to oncoming traffic.
You never use your blinker
and you park across two spaces.
[Barb]. It's true.
You can tell me how to dress, Janet,
but you can't say I'm a shit driver.
Shit driver. - Okay!
Taser can drive and you've got rules, Janet.
Moving on...
I can drive. - Fuck.
[Homer]. Don't worry about it. You're a good driver.
"Bummer is a pyrophile. Fire makes her horny."
It does not!
Why the hell would you write that, you dick.
Why would you think I wrote that?
You're the only one that knows.
[Backwoods]. We all know now.
We were trying to get to the bottom of the fire.
Your hoo-ha gets moist at every open flame.
I thought it was important information.
If everyone must know,
it's only 'cause I got my cherry popped watching "Backdraft."
Well, at least that's about fire.
[Hom] It's getting hot in here! - Calm down.
We were the only ones in the theatre.
[Tanner] I hope so. - [Dewey] Is that a musical?
Did anybody else write anything
about the actual fucking fire?
What fire? - Morning, Roach.
[Roach] Lunch ready? - "Todd says open door policy,
"but his door is literally always closed."
Yeah, what the hell are you doing in there anyway,
just yanking it?
I'm doing actual work.
Bullshit.
Okay, this next card,
is gonna be about the fire. I know it,
I can feel it.
[Homer]. [scoffs] Yeah, read it.
"Taser's homemade hot sauce is too spicy.
"The next day it felt like I was shitting a saw blade.
"Now I have anal... tissues? Issues?"
Fissures.
[in unison] Fissures, - Yeah, yeah, makes sense.
I have a really sensitive anal cavity and, uh,
there was an alarming amount of blood in the bowl.
So I guess you, you wrote this one?
Just use less peppers, all right pal?
Less peppers.
"Todd can't take constructive criticism."
Okay, that is ridiculous. Who the fuck wrote this card?
Me again! - [Homer] Good one, Tase.
Seriously, Taser?
We are never gonna figure this out, man.
I have one! - [Steph] Stay on point.
"Todd got rid of the only thing I loved about him,
"his rattail."
[Barb] Oh, I miss that thing. - [indistinct chattering]
Thank you for the constructive criticism, Dewey.
[Steph]. His hair looks great!
See how I'm embracing that?
Yeah, nice shirt. - [Todd] Okay.
Please, let this next card be about the fire.
Come on, card. Help me out here.
"If this isn't a safety violation,
"I don't know what is.
"Backwoods has been plowing Audrey in tank 18?"
[crowd gasping]
Fuck off! Who the fuck wrote that one?
What the fuck?!
[Backwoods]. What the fuck is right.
Audrey, is this true?
Who the fuck's writing that shit?
[Barb]. Yeah, right?
[Audrey]. You fuckers think that's funny?
Shit is getting spicy. - Yeah, it is.
What in the actual fuck is this load of hooey?
Is this make shit up hour everybody?
Yeah, really fucking funny. - Hilarious. [laughs]
Jesus. Take it easy. You think I'm into him?
[Bev]. Right?
[Audrey]. Fucking look at him!
Hard pass!
What? - Yeah I can't, I don't see it.
This is fucking grade A beef right here, all right?
You look like a fucking ostrich.
[Todd]. Easy now.
Oh, you look like a bloated yeti with a perm.
You don't have any good insults.
[Steph]. Okay. Sit down, you two. Let's get back on track.
Well why would anyone write that down and lie about it?
I don't fucking know.
Same reason someone made up the dumbass rumour
that Leonard had a threesome with two lady engineers
at the nerd seminar in Truro.
Wait, people were saying that?
Wow. - Huh? Yeah, apparently.
[Leonard]. Like which engineers?
Tina? Or Shelley? - Shelley's pretty hot.
We shared an Uber to the airport once
and a knee might have brushed a shin,
giving people ideas. - [Bev] Dream on.
The point is that nobody is taking these cards seriously.
This fire could have caused a lot of damage.
Truro was fire.
Okay, we're going off the rails here.
Let's take a break.
Everyone think about what they wanna say about the fire
and let's fill this fucking box, please.
I'm like crashed out pretty hard.
Could we like go over the box once again?
Why don't you go back to sleep, Roach,
you stoned queef.
Come on, Leonard.
What are you saying? Just spit it out.
Just so you guys know, I've only had sex with my wife.
I haven't had sex with her recently.
All right. - Okay.
Why is this line so long?
'Cause obviously Tanner isn't Jimi for fuck sakes.
Last time we had sex
was the night we got the Shih Tzu puppy.
Damn. Isn't your dog four? - Scram, Cricket!
[Tanner] What the fuck? - The big kids need this room.
Come back in ten! Tool inspection!
Skeet. Get. Go on. Fuckin see ya.
Well at least sanitize after your done! Dammit!
Why didn't you grab my straight paintbrush
before you got kicked out, man?
You signed your name as Lucio.
The paperwork's wrong.
Oh, the paperwork's wrong.
Well I filled out the
Bring-Your-Child-to-Work paperwork and you're here.
Tool inspection, huh?
Good call.
Who the fuck wrote that card?
I have no idea but if I find out,
I will slap the yellow off of their mangy rat teeth-
Bigger question though
is do you think that Todd fucking believed it?
I don't know that either,
but why don't we just tell him the truth?
What? No!
Why don't we find out
who started that stupid fucking fire.
Maybe that'll distract him from us.
Okay, it's a good plan. Solid plan.
It's a hot, sexy, ostrich plan is what it is. [cawing]
Fuck you. - Fuck me hard.
Where are you going?
We got eight minutes.
I only need two. [zipper unzipping]
Mmmhmm.
Yeah, yeah. You just keep sucking on that thing, okay?
[Roach coughing]
I'd love to fucking fill it right now.
Now we gotta take this to Todd.
[dramatic music]
Who's got an open-door policy now, motherfuckers?!
Sorry to be pedantic there, Todd,
but that's more of a no-door policy.
And it's in effect!
Tanner and Roach. [whistles]
Be patient, everybody.
Todd will get to you all.
You fucking hag.
I can't get into my computer.
You changed the password? - No.
Maybe you just didn't type it in properly
on account of those disgusting long square nails.
Everyone knows it's squoval or coffin-shaped now.
At least I'm not still wearing glitter polish.
Ladies! Glitter is eternal.
Yeah, it is. Thank you.
It's nice. - Yeah, thanks.
I think French tips are very classy.
They aren't nice.
And they make your fingers look short and mine are pretty.
Yours are disgusting actually.
Hey, hey. Isn't today Beach Day Friday?
Why don't you two hash it out over some drinky-poos
down by the water?
Drinky-poos are for besties.
I'd rather go with Dewey anyway.
Too bad. Dewey's coming with me.
Hell to the no. - Come on, Dewey.
Dewey comes with me!
[indistinct chattering]
Ow! There's enough of the Mountain Dew to hydrate us all.
Ow! - That's gross!
Sorry, guys.
Just go this way.
[playful music]
I thought I locked that.
You okay? I need a favour.
Is that an ant farm?
[Homer]. Close.
I'm harvesting earwig pheromones.
That's not close. Why?
Fuck it. Never mind.
Just don't bring that shit home.
No shit.
They're far too emotionally sensitive.
I'm trying to find out who started that fire
and I need your help.
Because if you expose the fire starter,
it'll distract Todd from the feedback card
about you and Backwoods.
Yes.
So what do you got for me, Ghost Protocol?
No, I shut that down.
I don't poke the bear.
I'm a normal man now.
[Audrey]. You are not normal, Homer.
Homer, Homer!
I'm desperate.
Goodbye, Auds.
Ew.
Okay, fine.
I know that you use Todd's tug rug for your nighttime rituals.
Want me to text him and tell him right now?
How can I help you?
That's enough! - [Tanner] I don't care
if y sniff the paint! - Hey, stop that!
Just don't blow smoke in my fucking face.
Jesus Christ, boys.
It's my emotional support vape.
What the fuck do you mean?
I got glue-coma.
Glue-co? Do you, do you smoke glue now too?
Hey! You guys take whatever this is outside.
I need a word with Todd.
[Tanner]. Wanna step outside?
Play nice, fuckwads.
Roach, stop that!
See what I'm fucking dealing with?
[Barb] Come on, Cricket! - What's up, Chels?
There hasn't been a single weld thrown today.
Payroll hasn't gone out
because Bev and Barb aren't even speaking.
If people don't get paid-
We will have a walkout on our hands.
That can't happen!
You know how far behind this puts us?
You guys almost done? Leonard won't stop talking
about his wife's sexual balloon fetish.
Oh god. Oh good.
Come to the parking lot ASAP.
Shit's going down.
Fuck! - Best day ever.
[car horn honking]
I'm just having my lunch.
You'll have to go park somewhere else.
I'm not trying to scare you.
I'm just saying, this is my spot.
I'll bump you with this car!
What the fuck is going on here?
Just another shit driver
trying to have a relaxed lunch hour.
In my parking spot! - Mine now.
Lord, fuck Taser, are you serious?
Let it go!
Go park way in the back where we park, Janet.
Enjoy the walk. - No, I'm not going to do that.
You need to learn a lesson and I'm gonna park in my spot!
Could you just park somewhere else for today, Janet?
It's the principle.
I'm hitting the gas, Taser. - No you're not!
I swear to god. I'm gonna run you down.
No you're not! - I will!
Oh, running people over?
Who's the shit driver now, Janet?
Would you run him flat already?
Hit him. I'll back you up in court!
Hey!
Todd, the feedback cards aren't working.
We know more than enough about everyone's sex lives
but we're still no closer to finding out
who started this fire.
You know your crew, right?
Yes. - Fucking fix this.
Step it up.
Everyone, in the lunch room.
Now! - [Steph] Let's go!
[Taser]. You heard the man. The spot's mine.
[Steph]. Hustle it up, losers.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
What? She just kicked my chair, Todd!
[Steph]. Come on everybody.
What do you got for me?
Here we go.
And we are live. - Holy shit, Homer.
I thought you chilled out on the spying.
I never stopped watching.
I just pretended I didn't care.
Now let's take a closer look.
Who's Juanita?
I name all my cameras after significant women in my life.
Juanita is located in the vending machine.
And then of course there's this angle.
Maureen's my favourite.
That's why I put her on the roof under the stars.
That's romantic.
All right. And bingo!
There she is, our sparkling little crime scene.
Can you zoom in on that?
Can I zoom?
You know, dumb questions like that
would've made the old Homer flip this whole fucking van!
That's fucking dramatic, man.
This is the new Homer.
So let's get to the bottom of this, shall we?
[fingers cracking]
Okay. - [whispers] Psycho.
[indistinct chattering]
[coughs] What the fuck is your problem?
Ew! That's disgusting!
Listen up, everyone.
I started this with good intentions
but it caused you guys to fight about the most ridiculous shit.
We learned about people's fetishes,
that no one needs to know about,
and making up ridiculous stories about tank 18.
Terrible.
Do you believe all that malarkey bullshit?
[Barb]. Craziest story I've ever heard in my life.
Most of this shit needs to get checked at the door.
This ends now. - [Dewey] Oh, here we go.
[group gasping]
Bye-bye snitchy bitch box!
[crowd clapping] [crowd chattering]
All right.
Everybody okay now?
Everyone's getting along?
[Barb]. Oh.
Oh Todd. Okay, uh...
Well at least we know who started this fire.
Oh my fuck!
[Steph]. Todd. Extinguisher.
Gimme a hand.
Here you go, buddy. Extinguisher.
Is anyone else getting hot? Ooh!
[Taser]. I feel the heat.
[everyone cheering]
You okay? - No, I'm not.
I didn't wanna do this
but I gotta lay the fucking hammer down.
If someone doesn't come forward about this fire
in the next five minutes and I find out later it was you,
you're fired! - Um, a minute, bro.
What's up?
[soft whispering]
Uh, let's take five, everyone.
[Roach]. What'd she say?
[Todd] So what do you got? - [Audrey] Here we go.
[Homer]. Yesterday, noon.
Dewey has a package of chocolate delivered.
Don't ask.
The box is stuffed with flammable paper,
which he disposes of in the garbage can.
Idiot number one.
What a dumbass.
3:30. Taser on his way to the refinery from a weld,
tosses an oily rag that rests on the paper.
Idiot number two.
I fucking knew it was gonna be him.
5:30 PM, Mr. Todd Stool... - [in unison] That's you!
On his way out from work,
discards his empty glass juice bottle,
the kind my kids drink, into the garbage.
Okay. But how is that relevant?
It rests there overnight
until exactly 7:42 AM when the sun sits just right,
turning the bottle into a magnifying glass and poof!
Garbage fire. Case closed. Idiot...
[in unison] Number three!
Okay, so no one is to blame and we're all to blame?
Well actually, glass goes in the recycling.
Everyone knows that, dumbass!
So technically, 65/35 your fault.
There's a lot of pissed off people in that lunchroom.
You gonna say anything?
And what? Fire myself?
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
What was that bullshit with you and Backwoods?
What now?
You two were like giving the blow...
the poun...
I-I can't even fucking say it.
It's gross and it's weird and I don't wanna think about it.
Well were the things that they wrote about you
on those cards true?
Plus, it could have been Backwoods and anyone.
He's a notorious slut.
True.
Totally. I mean, it could have been Backwoods and Tanner.
Yeah.
He doesn't know what a box fart is.
He's probably never seen a human vagina.
[chuckles] Totally. Let's go.
Backwoods and Cricket? Is that a thing or...?
You don't know the half of it.
As of section 5.2 of the Labour Code,
anyone who violates the fire safety protocol shall be fired.
So let's respect the boss here.
Like Todd said, fess up or you're fired.
Todd has the floor.
Thank you, Stephanie.
Here's the deal, everyone.
We're gonna forget about this entire incident.
What? Why?
False alarm. Hope we all learned a lot.
Let's move past it and let's get back to work.
I wanted to see someone get fired.
Shut it, Cricket.
Great leaders don't look around for someone to blame, Tanner.
Blaming is more for people like Janet.
I've had enough, Taser. So unprofessional.
[Taser mocking in high voice]
You know what else is unprofessional?
Speculating about someone's sex life
with two female engineers.
I mean, how does that even work?
Who's in front?
And who takes the notes?
[Roach]. You should watch a porno.
[Taser]. Whoever's not holding the camera.
Whatever turns you on should not be up for discussion.
[Roach]. What if you got some sick moves that people need to know-
That's right!
You good, bro?
Help me.
[Tanner]. I swear to god if you blow that in my face one more time...
Oh hey, I just found a few more cards.
Do you guys want to hear them?
Not really. - No!
[indistinct chattering]
Everybody shut the fuck up.
Thank you.
[bright music]
"Leonard may not put the blocks to his wife enough,
"but he fixed my laptop a few years ago
"and that was, that was fucking nice."
[Tanner]. Yeah. You go, Leonard.
And I do need to give it to her more.
Okay, that's it.
No, no, no, hang on.
Read this one here about Bum and Bummer.
Oh, I didn't even see that one.
Oh, look how that turned out.
"Bev and Barbra, such good friends.
"I wish I had a friend to get manis and pedis with
"and a friend to finish my sentences."
Oh. I mean, we are friendship...
[in unison] Goals.
Oh, I'm gonna need this sweater back.
Sorry, take that.
Okay, that is the last card.
No, no, hang on, hang on.
There was one here.
Read this one about Taser and Janet.
Oh, how did I miss that?
[Tanner]. Spill the tea, Todd.
[Taser] We need to listen. - [Homer] Read it.
[Taser] Let's hear it. - "Taser can drive."
Yes!
"And Janet has had sex."
Yes I have!
Why did she say that?
So there. - Cool.
Wow, that was almost lazily on point.
Oh, there's another one. "Todd's the fucking man."
Yeah, he is.
I bet he wrote that himself.
Oh probably.
Okay, let's get back to work, everybody.
Is there a card for me?
Oh, uh...
Oh, there is actually.
"Chelsea is the best site manager ever."
That one's anonymous, obviously.
That's all. I'm just looking out for you.
We need to talk. - About what?
It's purely, okay.
Well, this should be interesting.
This better be good.
[sighs] All right.
This is just a sampler.
[Backwoods]. Oh!
[Audrey]. How many angles of us do you have?
Every one you can imagine. [Audrey gasping]
[Backwoods]. Oh you little perv.
Get rid of them.
All of them?
Even the one from tank 18?
[whispers] That was hot.
It's fucking right it was hot.
Listen, delete absolutely everything.
Just make me a copy first.
Joke's on you. I already made copies.
What?
I'll have one too, please.
All right, that should do it.
Good job.
That is what I call follow through.
[door slamming] [objects clattering]
[upbeat rock music]
Should I come back?
[upbeat rock music continues]
♪
Yes, there we go. Feed, my children.
[upbeat rock music continues]
♪
[Dewey]. Classic Class D fire.
[Roach]. Class D?
Rock, paper, scissors, fuck you!
[everyone laughing]
[Tanner]. Hey. Yo, Danno. Can you get a box? Thanks.
Hey Steph, I got the, uh, steel toes here.
Ah! Fuck. Shit.
♪ We will make a sweet return ♪
Sorry, Steph. Ow.
[upbeat rock music continues]
♪ Two second by falsified
♪ Fools living in paradise
♪ And calm spiritual ♪
[loud screaming]
[dramatic music]