[alternative pop music playing] ♪ You're a hippie ♪-
[distant siren wailing]
♪ You're a nothing ♪
♪ You're a yuppie ♪
♪ You're a something ♪
♪ You're a wasteland ♪
[audience laughing]
♪ Built on the quicksand ♪
[man laughing] Well, no, actually...
♪ And you're the dream Where everything goes right ♪
[audience laughing]
♪ Everything goes right ♪
[man] Finding a tuxedo and, you know...
[man continues indistinctly]
[audience laughing]
[man] Hey, you girls like that?
You're gonna like it?
I want to do new stuff tonight.
There's a stag dude in the back that keeps shouting "minge" every five minutes.
Just get on, get off.
Do what you gotta do, yeah?
-[man] You guys have been absolutely... -That girl's here again.
-[man] Good night! -[audience cheering]
[man 2] That was Jack Barry.
[man 2 laughs] How's everyone feeling? You good?
-[crowd cheers] Yeah! -[man 2] Are you ready for the next act?
-[crowd] Whoo! -[man 2] Yes! Fantastic.
Now, she's a good friend of mine.
She's become a permanent fixture on my sofa bed recently,
but she doesn't pay any fucking rent, so she needs your support.
Please give it up
for Mae Martin!
-[audience cheering] -[Mae] Thanks, man.
[clears throat] Hi, guys.
I'm Mae.
Um, did everyone have a good childhood?
[crowd laughs]
I'm from Canada.
I came over in a canoe recently with Celine Dion.
She was at the helm.
Um, I'm recently single. Is anybody single? Give me a cheer.
-Whoo! -[audience cheers lightly]
[Mae] Yeah. And it's fine. I'm doing fine. I'm catching up on my reading.
Just reading my ex's Facebook page.
-[audience laughing] -That's all that I read.
I feel weird recently.
Um, I don't know. The only way I can describe it is like,
I feel like I'm full of birds.
Um, not like hummingbirds, like I'm anxious,
but like pelicans?
Like very greasy pelicans
in my chest.
I don't know if you've ever seen a photo after an oil spill and the beach is just,
there's all these birds and they're covered in oil
and they can't lift their wings, they're like... [gags]
They're in my chest.
[laughs]
Thank you, one person, for laughing.
Can you tell your friend I'm gonna flush her phone down the toilet
if she doesn't stop texting?
-Sorry. -Who are you texting?
I'm not texting, I'm playing Candy Crush.
[audience groaning, laughing]
[Mae] No, that's fine. That's absolutely fine.
It's very important that I stay humble, so...
Did my mother hire you?
[audience laughs]
[man] Minge!
[audience laughs]
-See? That's funny! -That's really funny.
-God, I love that! -Mmm.
It just makes you think, like, everything is perspective.
-Mmm. -You know? Like, okay,
I look at this and I see a pint glass, right? But you might see some...
hazelnuts.
-Okay? And we wouldn't even know. -[man chuckles]
Hey. Have I ever told you my story about ham?
-No. -You're gonna love it. [laughs]
Hold that thought. Just gonna go and get my Tupperware from the cloakroom.
Okay.
[woman] George, why did you drag us here?
I literally hate comedy. It's so embarrassing.
That girl was so rude to me.
Binky, you were on your phone all the way through her set.
I know. I'm so bad!
[both laugh]
-Binks. -Hmm?
What did you tell Jared?
-Oh, I told him that you fancy him. -Oh.
-Jesus! Why did you do that? -Because you haven't been with anyone
since Andrew. That's five years ago.
Your vagina's gonna seal up.
It's about this big. It's got coleslaw in it.
No?
All right, let's go. The car's outside.
You know, actually,
I think I'm gonna walk.
Yeah. I'm gonna go to the bathroom too, so you guys go.
-Yeah. Bye. -Okay.
Bye.
[laughs]
No.
Can I get a double gin and tonic, please?
Aw, man. That was hard work.
-That girl was laughing though. -[Mae] What?
-Nah, come on. -Why not?
I mean, have you seen her? She's like England's Rose.
And I'm like a kernel of corn that somebody glued onto some sticks.
-[chuckles] -She's like a dangerous Mary Poppins.
I'm like Bart Simpson.
That's funny.
-What should I do, go talk to her or what? -Yeah.
I mean, she's been here, like, three times, only laughing at your stuff.
And your stuff is bad.
Thank you.
-What's the worst that could happen? -Oh, uh, humiliation, loneliness...
-[George] Hello? -...depression, regret.
-Hi. -Hi.
Oh, sorry, you're busy-- Yeah.
I just wanted to say sorry about my friend.
-So, sorry. -No, fine. How are-- Who are you?
-I'm George. -Hi.
-Yeah. -Hi.
[giggles] Hi.
-Do you understand the rules of this game? -Yeah.
It's very straightforward. Okay. How old are you?
-Twenty-nine. -When did you lose your virginity?
-Um, just yesterday. -Yesterday?
-What's your favorite film? -Coyote Ugly.
-Coyote Ugly? That's not true. -Oh, no.
Okay. Okay, my turn. Um...
[clears throat] How long have you been in England?
-Two years. -Okay.
-Favorite member of the Beatles? -Brian.
Are we on a date?
I-- I don't know.
Are we?
-I don't know. I'm asking you. -Well, I don't know.
Do you wanna be on a date? Why are we fighting right now?
Right. [clears throat]
-I'm going home. What's your plan? -Um...
I-- I'm gonna stay out for a bit.
So, should I pull out the sofa bed or...?
I don't know, man.
Okay, well, do you have your key?
I'm in the middle of a very riveting conversation, Nick.
So, maybe I'll text you later.
Right.
I'll see you in... six months? Hmm?
Enjoy your date.
-[laughs] -Wow.
-He said it was a date. -Yeah.
-So I guess it is. -Mmm.
I've never been on a date with a girl before.
Yeah.
Oh, no. Absolutely.
-Yeah. Okay. -Yeah, no. No. Yeah.
[laughs]
So then would say that you've ever kissed a girl?
Yeah. I mean, yeah. I'm not a Mormon.
-Oh, okay. -Yeah.
That's a shame 'cause I exclusively date Mormons.
Oh.
Well...
-Do you like films? -Do you wanna kiss me, Mae?
Oh... yeah. Yeah.
-Yeah. -Yeah?
That would be so cool.
-Now? -Yes.
[high-pitched feedback ringing]
[ringing stops]
Well, anyways--
[pop music playing]
[woman vocalizing]
-[Phil] Whoa! -[George] Oh my God, Phil! Christ!
Can you, like, wear tap shoes or something?
Sorry, Mae. This is my flatmate. I found him online.
-Hey. -Hey.
Mae was just gonna help me arrange my shoes.
[Mae] Are you okay?
-I have depression. -[Mae] Oh, I'm sorry.
Okay. Thank you, Phil.
-Mae, my shoes are upstairs. -Okay.
[rock music playing]
Yeah, so this is my room.
[men vocalizing]
[both laughing]
♪ Come down from the mountain ♪
♪ You have been gone too long ♪
-Yeah? -Yeah, yeah.
♪ Spring is upon us ♪
♪ Follow my only song... ♪
Oh my God! No!
What? No!
♪ By the fire of my yearning ♪
♪ You should come back home... ♪
[Mae] No.
♪ Back on your own now ♪
[music continues over speaker] ♪ The world is alive now... ♪
Can you turn off that music, please? And stop touching my hand, please.
[music stops]
[Mae] George. Georgina.
Excuse me?
Can you wake up, please?
Wait, what? Wait, what's happening? Why are you over there?
I couldn't sleep. I'm too pumped.
I went out and went for a walk. I got you two coffees,
like, a lottery ticket, and some Bombay mix.
And, while you were sleeping,
I painted a very beautiful portrait of you,
as, like, a moving-in gift.
Yeah, so what do you wanna do today? You wanna go to IKEA?
A very big day for us.
Can you just lie on top of me and tell me something Canadian?
On July 1st, 1867,
the provinces of New Brunswick, Nova Scotia, and Canada
were declared the Dominion of Canada,
with John A. Macdonald its first prime minister.
Wow.
Hmm.
-Oh, my. This is a masterpiece. -I know.
Oh, fuck. I didn't get you any presents.
Excuse me? I don't need presents.
It's the greatest gift of my life
that I get to have sex with goddamn Princess Diana every day.
[laughs]
Okay.
-I'm gonna make today really good. -Oh, yeah?
Yeah. Honestly. Yeah.
It's just that it's-- it's new for me.
What is?
All of this. Letting someone penetrate my inner sanctum.
I call my flower inner sanctum.
Wow, that's so weird.
That's what I call your pussy.
[laughs] Oh!
-George. -Hmm?
Can we invite some of these people tonight? Some of your friends?
We could have a dinner and I could meet them. Like, who is this?
No. Sorry, no.
No, I have this work meeting tonight.
It's the whole English department.
-On a Saturday? -[Skype call ringing]
-Yeah. -Oh, shit! That's my parents.
I have to Skype my parents.
-You wanna talk to them? Oh, cool. -Yeah.
[Skype beeps]
Hi, Mom. -Mae.
-Hi, Linda. -Oh, Georgina!
Oh, well, now don't look at me!
-I'm 3,000 years old. -[man laughing]
-No. -You two are just the vision
of beauty and youth, as per usual. How's cohabitation?
-Oh, so great! -A bit of an adjustment.
Oh, Georgina, don't look at me.
I mean what I say.
[man] Hello, darling daughter!
Oh! Hello, George.
How lovely!
-Hi, Dad. How are you? -Ah, well,
madly in love with your mother, of course.
Please stop. I'm a repulsive old witch.
[Linda] So, Georgina, when are we going to meet you?
I think it's outrageous we haven't met you yet.
-Well, you do live in Canada, so... -It's been three months, guys. Chill.
Oh, your mother and I moved in together after five days.
-[Linda] It's true. -[Dad] We just knew.
Now, Mae,
your father and I want to know if you found a new
Narcotics Anonymous meeting.
A what meeting?
Wait! Stop.
Mom, can you please stop dredging up the past? Please.
Don't say "dredging." That's disgusting.
All right, so, I'm off.
[Linda] I'm not saying I want to talk about the past,
believe you me.
I just want to know that you're going to a regular meeting.
I've been very busy. I've been moving in with George,
-and I can't sleep these days. -You can't sleep?
-It's not a big deal. -[Linda] Oh, my God.
All right, I think...
I should just tell you. I think that's because you were four weeks premature.
-Was I? -You were in an incubator, sweetheart.
It's why we're not close.
-Are we not close? -And now I have to go.
Find a regular meeting.
Yeah. Bye.
[knocking]
So, I just found out I'm super premature--
You're in Narcotics Anonymous?
It's really not a big deal. I've been sober for ages.
I don't want to talk about it anymore.
I just wanna enjoy being in this beautiful furniture store with you.
Oh, I'm gonna get this one.
Mae, that is fucking massive.
Yeah.
No. Look, just get this one, OK?
Oh, cool. Thanks.
So-- Okay, tell me, what is ages sober?
Like, six years? Six months?
-A week? -Yes.
Yes? Yes, what?
-Why won't you talk to me? -I am talking to you.
Okay, look.
I don't know if this is new information to you
or if this is something that you're aware of already, but...
you have the number one best face I've ever seen in real life.
Mae, thank you. That's really kind,
but you say that every day.
'Cause it's true.
I've seen them in films, but not like this.
-It's like milk. You're a milkmaid. -Stop.
Mae, stop it. Should I be worried?
No.
-Honestly, it's very old news. -Yeah?
There's so much stuff I didn't know about you when we moved in together,
and I'm having to adjust. Like, I had no idea that you have a mug
that says, "I heart Guernsey" on it. Is that true?
Do you heart Guernsey?
What even is a Guernsey?
It's making me question everything.
Mae, I love you.
So please find a meeting, so I can relax.
Yeah, if you love me, I'll go right now.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
-On one condition. -Okay.
I'm gonna get this wardrobe.
My name is David and I'm an addict.
[all] Hi, David.
First up on the agenda today,
happy birthday to Karen.
Karen let us know last week that it was going to be her birthday,
so we wish you a joyous and a sober day.
And I brought in some of my deviled eggs as a snack.
Second of all, a warm welcome to any newcomers.
Hi, I'm Mae.
I'm Mae. I'm an addict.
-[all] Hi, Mae. -Welcome, Mae.
Does anyone want to share?
[Karen] David, I'd like to start.
My name is Karen and I'm an addict.
[all] Hi, Karen.
First up, I'd like to come clean.
It's not my birthday. I don't know why I said that.
-Anyway... -Is there coffee?
Just eggs.
Yes, Mae has something to share.
Oh. No, no.
I don't-- I don't think I really need to be here.
Yeah. You seem like a really fun crew,
but I've been clean a long time.
And I think, for me, the main problem is that I was very premature.
I was actually in an incubator.
Anyway, I hate eggs.
[David] What do we say to newcomers, guys?
[all] Keep coming back. It works.
[Mae sighs]
Hey, are you all right?
Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just premature.
It is so boring in there, isn't it? I can't bear it either.
I just hate eggs! You know what I mean?
So do I! They're loathsome. I call them the devil's orbs.
That's funny.
Can I get you a coffee? You need a coffee?
I love coffee.
I find it so weird that it comes from beans.
Isn't that bizarre? [laughing]
-I'm Maggie. -I'm Mae.
Good to meet you.
This is actually the exit.
[Mae] Oh.
I want you to do something for me.
I want you to take your past and put it in a box. Have you done that?
-Yeah. -[Maggie] Now take that box
and throw it in the bin and flush that bin down the toilet.
Oh, man.
-Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah. -Yeah.
-You know where my past is? -Where?
It's in a box, in a trench at the bottom of the ocean.
Only James Cameron has seen it.
Wow.
Oh, God. I'm sorry, but I've hated every single mouthful of that coffee
and I must do something about it now. Otherwise I will die!
I don't know why I come here.
You wanna know how to fix your brain?
Simple.
Just stay busy.
Never don't be doing something. Ever.
I'm far too busy to think about drugs.
So, do you have kids and stuff or...
I have hobbies.
I bake. I kayak.
I weave my own clothes on a loom.
Sometimes I just run to Kent.
I've been clean for 12 years.
[man clears throat loudly]
Oh, don't look at me like that, Ethan!
It just doesn't make sense to me. I just--
How can someone so clean and fresh be an ex-junkie?
She smells like laundry.
It makes sense, man. I mean, her legs are always moving and her eyes are spooky.
Yes, but you know about addicts 'cause you're from...
Hollywood. I'm from Hollywood.
-You gotta make her feel safe. -Mmm.
I don't know. Make this place more Canadian or something.
[George] Canada.
Yeah, I can do that.
Thanks.
I don't think we've ever had a proper conversation before.
Becoming friends. All right, up top!
-Okay. -All right.
-Brunch on Thursday. -No, thank you.
Friday?
I think you should take up capoeira. I'm sorry, but I really do.
Oh my God. You're like a prophet.
Thank you so much. I gotta go, but I'm gonna call you.
Or... actually,
do you want to be my sponsor? I don't think I really need the meetings.
-No. Neither do I. -But maybe we can
hang out and that would be the same thing?
Yeah. Anytime. Night or day.
And remember, throw your past in the bin and just...
-[both] Stay busy. -[laughing]
-Bye. -Yeah.
[laughs]
[George] Wait, what do you mean you're not going back?
I'm just not going back.
-They only had eggs. It was bullshit. -Oh.
Oh, wow. Yeah. That's so cool.
You're such a rebel. Mae, you're like James Dean.
Okay, but check it out. I got a sponsor.
I met this weird woman and she said I just need to stay busy instead.
Wait.
Do you actually think I look like James Dean?
Mae, I...
Isn't the first rule of these meetings
accepting that you have a problem?
I had a problem and now I have you.
You can't just have me. Okay? I don't just have you.
I have work and I have my friends and I...
-Yeah. -[George] What?
What is that?
[exhales sharply] All right.
How come I've never met any of your friends?
She makes a good point.
I'm sorry, can we not have this conversation in front of Phil, please?
I'm going to introduce you when I'm ready.
Okay? But this conversation is about you, actually.
Well, maybe I didn't tell you about it 'cause I didn't think you'd get it.
We've had very different lives,
and you grew up, like, in a bag of feathers.
Oxford, actually. I grew up in Oxford. You ever heard of it?
Maybe I'd get it if you explained it, but you don't, okay? So I have to,
like, root around in all of your stuff.
-You went through my stuff? -Yes!
It says here
that you wrote this in hospital.
And that you owe someone called "Ink Boy" $800.
Oh, and what is this? Is this, like, a drugs hat?
Mae, where are you going?
Oh, my God.
[rock music playing]
[George] Fuck.
I don't...
What the fuck was that?
New me.
New life.
I have everything under control.
Said every junkie ever.
-Oh, Mae, I... -[Mae sniffles]
[George] Oh...
God, why do you have to be so intense?
I am not...
intense.
I'm sorry.
So I'm jizzing, and I'm jizzing, and I'm jizzing.
I'm jizzing like a goddamn machine gun.
-Jizz, jizz, jizz! -[audience laughing]
[man] Reload!
Why did you book this terrible man?
That's Pete.
People love Pete.
If they like him, they are not gonna like me.
Ah, well, you'd be surprised. People are mad.
Yeah. Okay.
-[audience laughing] -[Nick moans softly]
[high-pitched feedback ringing]
[snorts]
[ringing continues]
[man grunting playfully, laughing]
[Nick] You're up next.
Where you been in my life, baby?
What is this?
-Do you like it? It's my new gimmick. -[audience cheering]
[Pete] Fuck yeah! I'm a fucking king! Whoo!
Hey.
Who's this guy?
[sniffs]
♪ Slam your body down And wind it all around ♪
♪ If you want to be my lover... ♪
So Monday, Wednesday, Friday, I bring in my packed lunch.
-I have my usual, which is... -Ham.
Ham. Then Tuesday, Thursday, I go into the cafeteria.
What do you think they're serving on both days
this particular week?
-Ham? -[laughing] Ham!
So that's Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday.
Ham, ham, ham, ham, ham!
I'm seeing someone. Sorry.
Okay.
[scoffs]
Well, I feel like a regular old ham head.
[chuckles]
What's his name?
Um, Jonathan Crenshaw.
-Jonathan Crenshaw. -Yeah.
Well, you know. When the cat's away,
the mice hit the town and... I don't remember the exact saying, but--
-[new song starts] -Oh shit! This is me!
♪ One can have a dream, baby ♪
♪ Two can make that dream so true ♪
Fuck off, Jared!
♪ One can talk about being in love ♪
♪ Two can see how it really feels ♪
-[song fades] -[alternative pop music playing]
♪ Call me ♪
♪ Any time ♪
♪ I'll run to you ♪
♪ Crawl ♪
♪ I'll cry for you ♪
♪ Die for you... ♪
Hi.
What do you wanna know?
Everything.
I got addicted to coke when I was a kid and my parents kicked me out.
I sold drugs, I overdosed, I went to jail.
I just really,
really want it to be over.
[sighs]
Okay.
-Really? -Yeah.
Cool.
Is there anything else we need to talk about?
Like... did you wanna tell me about your friends and why--
Why don't you just go down on me?
Okay, that sounds good. Yeah.
[phone dings]
[high-pitched feedback ringing]
[pop music playing]
-[ringing stops] -[man vocalizing]
♪ Take to relieve it ♪
♪ All your wishes come true ♪
♪ Take to believe it ♪