1 00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:17,560 [alternative pop music playing] ♪ You're a hippie ♪- 2 00:00:17,760 --> 00:00:19,320 [distant siren wailing] 3 00:00:19,400 --> 00:00:21,680 ♪ You're a nothing ♪ 4 00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:26,280 ♪ You're a yuppie ♪ 5 00:00:28,080 --> 00:00:29,920 ♪ You're a something ♪ 6 00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:34,600 ♪ You're a wasteland ♪ 7 00:00:34,680 --> 00:00:36,480 [audience laughing] 8 00:00:36,560 --> 00:00:39,400 ♪ Built on the quicksand ♪ 9 00:00:39,480 --> 00:00:41,280 [man laughing] Well, no, actually... 10 00:00:41,360 --> 00:00:46,240 ♪ And you're the dream Where everything goes right ♪ 11 00:00:46,320 --> 00:00:48,320 [audience laughing] 12 00:00:48,400 --> 00:00:50,400 ♪ Everything goes right ♪ 13 00:00:50,480 --> 00:00:52,520 [man] Finding a tuxedo and, you know... 14 00:00:52,600 --> 00:00:55,800 [man continues indistinctly] 15 00:00:55,880 --> 00:01:00,960 [audience laughing] 16 00:01:01,040 --> 00:01:02,600 [man] Hey, you girls like that? 17 00:01:03,040 --> 00:01:04,360 You're gonna like it? 18 00:01:05,480 --> 00:01:07,040 I want to do new stuff tonight. 19 00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:10,840 There's a stag dude in the back that keeps shouting "minge" every five minutes. 20 00:01:10,920 --> 00:01:12,920 Just get on, get off. 21 00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:14,360 Do what you gotta do, yeah? 22 00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:18,400 -[man] You guys have been absolutely... -That girl's here again. 23 00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:22,600 -[man] Good night! -[audience cheering] 24 00:01:22,680 --> 00:01:24,120 [man 2] That was Jack Barry. 25 00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:26,800 [man 2 laughs] How's everyone feeling? You good? 26 00:01:26,880 --> 00:01:29,240 -[crowd cheers] Yeah! -[man 2] Are you ready for the next act? 27 00:01:29,320 --> 00:01:31,320 -[crowd] Whoo! -[man 2] Yes! Fantastic. 28 00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:32,800 Now, she's a good friend of mine. 29 00:01:32,880 --> 00:01:36,400 She's become a permanent fixture on my sofa bed recently, 30 00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:40,480 but she doesn't pay any fucking rent, so she needs your support. 31 00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:41,760 Please give it up 32 00:01:41,840 --> 00:01:44,280 for Mae Martin! 33 00:01:44,360 --> 00:01:46,440 -[audience cheering] -[Mae] Thanks, man. 34 00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:50,920 [clears throat] Hi, guys. 35 00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:52,040 I'm Mae. 36 00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:54,280 Um, did everyone have a good childhood? 37 00:01:54,360 --> 00:01:55,800 [crowd laughs] 38 00:01:55,880 --> 00:01:57,240 I'm from Canada. 39 00:01:57,320 --> 00:02:00,640 I came over in a canoe recently with Celine Dion. 40 00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:02,120 She was at the helm. 41 00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:05,280 Um, I'm recently single. Is anybody single? Give me a cheer. 42 00:02:05,360 --> 00:02:06,640 -Whoo! -[audience cheers lightly] 43 00:02:06,720 --> 00:02:10,280 [Mae] Yeah. And it's fine. I'm doing fine. I'm catching up on my reading. 44 00:02:10,360 --> 00:02:12,560 Just reading my ex's Facebook page. 45 00:02:12,640 --> 00:02:14,960 -[audience laughing] -That's all that I read. 46 00:02:15,040 --> 00:02:16,440 I feel weird recently. 47 00:02:16,520 --> 00:02:19,480 Um, I don't know. The only way I can describe it is like, 48 00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:21,680 I feel like I'm full of birds. 49 00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:24,920 Um, not like hummingbirds, like I'm anxious, 50 00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:26,520 but like pelicans? 51 00:02:26,600 --> 00:02:29,000 Like very greasy pelicans 52 00:02:29,080 --> 00:02:30,200 in my chest. 53 00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:33,880 I don't know if you've ever seen a photo after an oil spill and the beach is just, 54 00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:35,880 there's all these birds and they're covered in oil 55 00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:38,160 and they can't lift their wings, they're like... [gags] 56 00:02:38,240 --> 00:02:39,360 They're in my chest. 57 00:02:39,440 --> 00:02:40,840 [laughs] 58 00:02:40,920 --> 00:02:43,120 Thank you, one person, for laughing. 59 00:02:43,720 --> 00:02:46,240 Can you tell your friend I'm gonna flush her phone down the toilet 60 00:02:46,320 --> 00:02:47,600 if she doesn't stop texting? 61 00:02:47,720 --> 00:02:49,040 -Sorry. -Who are you texting? 62 00:02:49,120 --> 00:02:51,080 I'm not texting, I'm playing Candy Crush. 63 00:02:51,160 --> 00:02:52,640 [audience groaning, laughing] 64 00:02:52,720 --> 00:02:55,080 [Mae] No, that's fine. That's absolutely fine. 65 00:02:55,160 --> 00:02:57,920 It's very important that I stay humble, so... 66 00:02:58,440 --> 00:03:00,040 Did my mother hire you? 67 00:03:00,120 --> 00:03:01,360 [audience laughs] 68 00:03:01,440 --> 00:03:02,520 [man] Minge! 69 00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:04,040 [audience laughs] 70 00:03:04,120 --> 00:03:05,960 -See? That's funny! -That's really funny. 71 00:03:06,040 --> 00:03:08,600 -God, I love that! -Mmm. 72 00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:11,720 It just makes you think, like, everything is perspective. 73 00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:13,560 -Mmm. -You know? Like, okay, 74 00:03:13,640 --> 00:03:16,560 I look at this and I see a pint glass, right? But you might see some... 75 00:03:17,880 --> 00:03:18,800 hazelnuts. 76 00:03:19,040 --> 00:03:21,000 -Okay? And we wouldn't even know. -[man chuckles] 77 00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:23,840 Hey. Have I ever told you my story about ham? 78 00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:27,040 -No. -You're gonna love it. [laughs] 79 00:03:27,120 --> 00:03:30,120 Hold that thought. Just gonna go and get my Tupperware from the cloakroom. 80 00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:31,040 Okay. 81 00:03:31,440 --> 00:03:33,800 [woman] George, why did you drag us here? 82 00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:36,720 I literally hate comedy. It's so embarrassing. 83 00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:38,560 That girl was so rude to me. 84 00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:41,040 Binky, you were on your phone all the way through her set. 85 00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:43,120 I know. I'm so bad! 86 00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:44,480 [both laugh] 87 00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:45,760 -Binks. -Hmm? 88 00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:46,960 What did you tell Jared? 89 00:03:47,520 --> 00:03:49,960 -Oh, I told him that you fancy him. -Oh. 90 00:03:50,040 --> 00:03:53,640 -Jesus! Why did you do that? -Because you haven't been with anyone 91 00:03:53,720 --> 00:03:55,840 since Andrew. That's five years ago. 92 00:03:56,040 --> 00:03:57,440 Your vagina's gonna seal up. 93 00:03:57,520 --> 00:03:59,760 It's about this big. It's got coleslaw in it. 94 00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:01,040 No? 95 00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:02,920 All right, let's go. The car's outside. 96 00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:04,080 You know, actually, 97 00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:05,480 I think I'm gonna walk. 98 00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:08,680 Yeah. I'm gonna go to the bathroom too, so you guys go. 99 00:04:08,760 --> 00:04:09,920 -Yeah. Bye. -Okay. 100 00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:12,640 Bye. 101 00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:15,840 [laughs] 102 00:04:21,640 --> 00:04:22,480 No. 103 00:04:25,440 --> 00:04:27,160 Can I get a double gin and tonic, please? 104 00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:30,400 Aw, man. That was hard work. 105 00:04:30,480 --> 00:04:32,240 -That girl was laughing though. -[Mae] What? 106 00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:34,440 -Nah, come on. -Why not? 107 00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:37,960 I mean, have you seen her? She's like England's Rose. 108 00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:41,480 And I'm like a kernel of corn that somebody glued onto some sticks. 109 00:04:41,560 --> 00:04:44,560 -[chuckles] -She's like a dangerous Mary Poppins. 110 00:04:44,640 --> 00:04:46,160 I'm like Bart Simpson. 111 00:04:46,240 --> 00:04:47,120 That's funny. 112 00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:49,800 -What should I do, go talk to her or what? -Yeah. 113 00:04:49,880 --> 00:04:52,800 I mean, she's been here, like, three times, only laughing at your stuff. 114 00:04:53,040 --> 00:04:53,920 And your stuff is bad. 115 00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:55,800 Thank you. 116 00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:59,120 -What's the worst that could happen? -Oh, uh, humiliation, loneliness... 117 00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:00,760 -[George] Hello? -...depression, regret. 118 00:05:00,840 --> 00:05:01,680 -Hi. -Hi. 119 00:05:01,760 --> 00:05:02,840 -Hi. -Hi. 120 00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:05,040 Oh, sorry, you're busy-- Yeah. 121 00:05:05,640 --> 00:05:07,720 I just wanted to say sorry about my friend. 122 00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:10,840 -So, sorry. -No, fine. How are-- Who are you? 123 00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:12,720 -I'm George. -Hi. 124 00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:13,880 -Yeah. -Hi. 125 00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:15,240 [giggles] Hi. 126 00:05:17,160 --> 00:05:19,400 -Do you understand the rules of this game? -Yeah. 127 00:05:19,480 --> 00:05:22,120 It's very straightforward. Okay. How old are you? 128 00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:24,200 -Twenty-nine. -When did you lose your virginity? 129 00:05:24,280 --> 00:05:27,080 -Um, just yesterday. -Yesterday? 130 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:30,280 -What's your favorite film? -Coyote Ugly. 131 00:05:30,360 --> 00:05:33,200 -Coyote Ugly? That's not true. -Oh, no. 132 00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:36,320 Okay. Okay, my turn. Um... 133 00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:38,480 [clears throat] How long have you been in England? 134 00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:39,760 -Two years. -Okay. 135 00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:41,840 -Favorite member of the Beatles? -Brian. 136 00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:43,120 Are we on a date? 137 00:05:43,200 --> 00:05:44,600 I-- I don't know. 138 00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:45,560 Are we? 139 00:05:45,640 --> 00:05:48,040 -I don't know. I'm asking you. -Well, I don't know. 140 00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:50,600 Do you wanna be on a date? Why are we fighting right now? 141 00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:52,320 Right. [clears throat] 142 00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:55,520 -I'm going home. What's your plan? -Um... 143 00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:57,120 I-- I'm gonna stay out for a bit. 144 00:05:57,200 --> 00:05:59,400 So, should I pull out the sofa bed or...? 145 00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:00,960 I don't know, man. 146 00:06:01,040 --> 00:06:02,320 Okay, well, do you have your key? 147 00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:04,800 I'm in the middle of a very riveting conversation, Nick. 148 00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:06,240 So, maybe I'll text you later. 149 00:06:06,320 --> 00:06:07,160 Right. 150 00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:10,400 I'll see you in... six months? Hmm? 151 00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:12,840 Enjoy your date. 152 00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:15,040 -[laughs] -Wow. 153 00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:16,680 -He said it was a date. -Yeah. 154 00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:18,480 -So I guess it is. -Mmm. 155 00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:21,840 I've never been on a date with a girl before. 156 00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:23,960 Yeah. 157 00:06:24,280 --> 00:06:25,520 Oh, no. Absolutely. 158 00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:27,840 -Yeah. Okay. -Yeah, no. No. Yeah. 159 00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:29,320 [laughs] 160 00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:32,120 So then would say that you've ever kissed a girl? 161 00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:34,840 Yeah. I mean, yeah. I'm not a Mormon. 162 00:06:34,920 --> 00:06:35,800 -Oh, okay. -Yeah. 163 00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:38,960 That's a shame 'cause I exclusively date Mormons. 164 00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:39,880 Oh. 165 00:06:41,280 --> 00:06:42,120 Well... 166 00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:50,240 -Do you like films? -Do you wanna kiss me, Mae? 167 00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:52,080 Oh... yeah. Yeah. 168 00:06:52,160 --> 00:06:53,240 -Yeah. -Yeah? 169 00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:55,280 That would be so cool. 170 00:06:56,960 --> 00:06:58,720 -Now? -Yes. 171 00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:07,040 [high-pitched feedback ringing] 172 00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:10,680 [ringing stops] 173 00:07:15,880 --> 00:07:17,240 Well, anyways-- 174 00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:18,280 [pop music playing] 175 00:07:18,360 --> 00:07:22,360 [woman vocalizing] 176 00:07:30,520 --> 00:07:32,640 -[Phil] Whoa! -[George] Oh my God, Phil! Christ! 177 00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:34,520 Can you, like, wear tap shoes or something? 178 00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:37,520 Sorry, Mae. This is my flatmate. I found him online. 179 00:07:37,600 --> 00:07:38,800 -Hey. -Hey. 180 00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:42,960 Mae was just gonna help me arrange my shoes. 181 00:07:44,520 --> 00:07:45,480 [Mae] Are you okay? 182 00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:47,800 -I have depression. -[Mae] Oh, I'm sorry. 183 00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:54,680 Okay. Thank you, Phil. 184 00:07:54,760 --> 00:07:56,160 -Mae, my shoes are upstairs. -Okay. 185 00:07:56,920 --> 00:08:01,520 [rock music playing] 186 00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:02,680 Yeah, so this is my room. 187 00:08:02,760 --> 00:08:07,280 [men vocalizing] 188 00:08:07,360 --> 00:08:09,480 [both laughing] 189 00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:16,320 ♪ Come down from the mountain ♪ 190 00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:21,440 ♪ You have been gone too long ♪ 191 00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:22,480 -Yeah? -Yeah, yeah. 192 00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:25,320 ♪ Spring is upon us ♪ 193 00:08:25,400 --> 00:08:31,040 ♪ Follow my only song... ♪ 194 00:08:31,120 --> 00:08:33,280 Oh my God! No! 195 00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:34,240 What? No! 196 00:08:34,880 --> 00:08:39,520 ♪ By the fire of my yearning ♪ 197 00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:41,640 ♪ You should come back home... ♪ 198 00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:42,800 [Mae] No. 199 00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:47,840 ♪ Back on your own now ♪ 200 00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:57,760 [music continues over speaker] ♪ The world is alive now... ♪ 201 00:08:57,840 --> 00:09:00,680 Can you turn off that music, please? And stop touching my hand, please. 202 00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:04,520 [music stops] 203 00:09:17,680 --> 00:09:19,440 [Mae] George. Georgina. 204 00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:20,840 Excuse me? 205 00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:22,960 Can you wake up, please? 206 00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:26,120 Wait, what? Wait, what's happening? Why are you over there? 207 00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:27,600 I couldn't sleep. I'm too pumped. 208 00:09:27,680 --> 00:09:30,240 I went out and went for a walk. I got you two coffees, 209 00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:33,400 like, a lottery ticket, and some Bombay mix. 210 00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:35,600 And, while you were sleeping, 211 00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:37,960 I painted a very beautiful portrait of you, 212 00:09:38,080 --> 00:09:39,480 as, like, a moving-in gift. 213 00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:42,680 Yeah, so what do you wanna do today? You wanna go to IKEA? 214 00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:43,640 A very big day for us. 215 00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:46,520 Can you just lie on top of me and tell me something Canadian? 216 00:09:49,160 --> 00:09:51,680 On July 1st, 1867, 217 00:09:51,760 --> 00:09:54,560 the provinces of New Brunswick, Nova Scotia, and Canada 218 00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:56,320 were declared the Dominion of Canada, 219 00:09:56,400 --> 00:09:58,960 with John A. Macdonald its first prime minister. 220 00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:00,040 Wow. 221 00:10:00,120 --> 00:10:00,960 Hmm. 222 00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:05,920 -Oh, my. This is a masterpiece. -I know. 223 00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:08,520 Oh, fuck. I didn't get you any presents. 224 00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:10,920 Excuse me? I don't need presents. 225 00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:12,520 It's the greatest gift of my life 226 00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:15,640 that I get to have sex with goddamn Princess Diana every day. 227 00:10:15,720 --> 00:10:16,560 [laughs] 228 00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:18,280 Okay. 229 00:10:19,280 --> 00:10:21,320 -I'm gonna make today really good. -Oh, yeah? 230 00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:22,400 Yeah. Honestly. Yeah. 231 00:10:22,480 --> 00:10:24,640 It's just that it's-- it's new for me. 232 00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:25,840 What is? 233 00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:28,840 All of this. Letting someone penetrate my inner sanctum. 234 00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:30,880 I call my flower inner sanctum. 235 00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:32,480 Wow, that's so weird. 236 00:10:32,560 --> 00:10:34,000 That's what I call your pussy. 237 00:10:34,080 --> 00:10:35,000 [laughs] Oh! 238 00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:42,880 -George. -Hmm? 239 00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:45,440 Can we invite some of these people tonight? Some of your friends? 240 00:10:45,560 --> 00:10:48,800 We could have a dinner and I could meet them. Like, who is this? 241 00:10:48,880 --> 00:10:50,240 No. Sorry, no. 242 00:10:50,320 --> 00:10:52,320 No, I have this work meeting tonight. 243 00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:54,120 It's the whole English department. 244 00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:55,720 -On a Saturday? -[Skype call ringing] 245 00:10:55,800 --> 00:10:57,200 -Yeah. -Oh, shit! That's my parents. 246 00:10:57,280 --> 00:10:58,320 I have to Skype my parents. 247 00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:00,000 -You wanna talk to them? Oh, cool. -Yeah. 248 00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:03,240 [Skype beeps] 249 00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:05,280 Hi, Mom. -Mae. 250 00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:07,040 -Hi, Linda. -Oh, Georgina! 251 00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:08,840 Oh, well, now don't look at me! 252 00:11:08,920 --> 00:11:10,920 -I'm 3,000 years old. -[man laughing] 253 00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:13,360 -No. -You two are just the vision 254 00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:17,240 of beauty and youth, as per usual. How's cohabitation? 255 00:11:17,320 --> 00:11:18,880 -Oh, so great! -A bit of an adjustment. 256 00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:21,040 Oh, Georgina, don't look at me. 257 00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:22,760 I mean what I say. 258 00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:25,000 [man] Hello, darling daughter! 259 00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:27,000 Oh! Hello, George. 260 00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:28,280 How lovely! 261 00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:30,040 -Hi, Dad. How are you? -Ah, well, 262 00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:32,120 madly in love with your mother, of course. 263 00:11:32,240 --> 00:11:35,080 Please stop. I'm a repulsive old witch. 264 00:11:35,160 --> 00:11:37,920 [Linda] So, Georgina, when are we going to meet you? 265 00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:40,520 I think it's outrageous we haven't met you yet. 266 00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:44,760 -Well, you do live in Canada, so... -It's been three months, guys. Chill. 267 00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:47,960 Oh, your mother and I moved in together after five days. 268 00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:50,400 -[Linda] It's true. -[Dad] We just knew. 269 00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:51,560 Now, Mae, 270 00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:53,840 your father and I want to know if you found a new 271 00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:55,320 Narcotics Anonymous meeting. 272 00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:56,360 A what meeting? 273 00:11:57,200 --> 00:11:58,240 A what meeting? 274 00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:00,720 Wait! Stop. 275 00:12:01,600 --> 00:12:05,160 Mom, can you please stop dredging up the past? Please. 276 00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:07,120 Don't say "dredging." That's disgusting. 277 00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:09,080 All right, so, I'm off. 278 00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:13,040 [Linda] I'm not saying I want to talk about the past, 279 00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:14,240 believe you me. 280 00:12:14,320 --> 00:12:16,920 I just want to know that you're going to a regular meeting. 281 00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:19,560 I've been very busy. I've been moving in with George, 282 00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:22,600 -and I can't sleep these days. -You can't sleep? 283 00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:24,960 -It's not a big deal. -[Linda] Oh, my God. 284 00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:26,560 All right, I think... 285 00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:30,960 I should just tell you. I think that's because you were four weeks premature. 286 00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:34,000 -Was I? -You were in an incubator, sweetheart. 287 00:12:34,560 --> 00:12:35,840 It's why we're not close. 288 00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:39,080 -Are we not close? -And now I have to go. 289 00:12:39,160 --> 00:12:40,760 Find a regular meeting. 290 00:12:41,280 --> 00:12:42,720 Yeah. Bye. 291 00:12:44,160 --> 00:12:45,160 [knocking] 292 00:12:51,320 --> 00:12:53,680 So, I just found out I'm super premature-- 293 00:12:53,760 --> 00:12:55,560 You're in Narcotics Anonymous? 294 00:12:56,800 --> 00:13:00,560 It's really not a big deal. I've been sober for ages. 295 00:13:00,640 --> 00:13:02,360 I don't want to talk about it anymore. 296 00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:06,240 I just wanna enjoy being in this beautiful furniture store with you. 297 00:13:06,760 --> 00:13:07,880 Oh, I'm gonna get this one. 298 00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:10,240 Mae, that is fucking massive. 299 00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:11,280 Yeah. 300 00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:12,640 No. Look, just get this one, OK? 301 00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:15,280 Oh, cool. Thanks. 302 00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:18,200 So-- Okay, tell me, what is ages sober? 303 00:13:18,280 --> 00:13:20,840 Like, six years? Six months? 304 00:13:21,320 --> 00:13:22,600 -A week? -Yes. 305 00:13:22,840 --> 00:13:24,600 Yes? Yes, what? 306 00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:27,200 -Why won't you talk to me? -I am talking to you. 307 00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:29,120 Okay, look. 308 00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:31,840 I don't know if this is new information to you 309 00:13:31,920 --> 00:13:34,480 or if this is something that you're aware of already, but... 310 00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:39,320 you have the number one best face I've ever seen in real life. 311 00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:41,800 Mae, thank you. That's really kind, 312 00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:42,960 but you say that every day. 313 00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:44,000 'Cause it's true. 314 00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:46,480 I've seen them in films, but not like this. 315 00:13:46,560 --> 00:13:48,240 -It's like milk. You're a milkmaid. -Stop. 316 00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:49,960 Mae, stop it. Should I be worried? 317 00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:51,440 No. 318 00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:54,280 -Honestly, it's very old news. -Yeah? 319 00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:57,800 There's so much stuff I didn't know about you when we moved in together, 320 00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:00,720 and I'm having to adjust. Like, I had no idea that you have a mug 321 00:14:00,800 --> 00:14:02,960 that says, "I heart Guernsey" on it. Is that true? 322 00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:04,280 Do you heart Guernsey? 323 00:14:04,360 --> 00:14:05,800 What even is a Guernsey? 324 00:14:05,880 --> 00:14:07,880 It's making me question everything. 325 00:14:10,880 --> 00:14:13,040 Mae, I love you. 326 00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:15,600 So please find a meeting, so I can relax. 327 00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:17,480 Yeah, if you love me, I'll go right now. 328 00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:19,000 -Yeah? -Yeah. 329 00:14:19,080 --> 00:14:20,480 -On one condition. -Okay. 330 00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:21,840 I'm gonna get this wardrobe. 331 00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:27,000 My name is David and I'm an addict. 332 00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:28,240 [all] Hi, David. 333 00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:29,880 First up on the agenda today, 334 00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:31,200 happy birthday to Karen. 335 00:14:31,520 --> 00:14:34,040 Karen let us know last week that it was going to be her birthday, 336 00:14:34,120 --> 00:14:37,440 so we wish you a joyous and a sober day. 337 00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:40,760 And I brought in some of my deviled eggs as a snack. 338 00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:43,840 Second of all, a warm welcome to any newcomers. 339 00:14:46,280 --> 00:14:47,120 Hi, I'm Mae. 340 00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:54,000 I'm Mae. I'm an addict. 341 00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:55,880 -[all] Hi, Mae. -Welcome, Mae. 342 00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:57,720 Does anyone want to share? 343 00:14:57,800 --> 00:14:59,520 [Karen] David, I'd like to start. 344 00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:01,760 My name is Karen and I'm an addict. 345 00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:02,960 [all] Hi, Karen. 346 00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:05,080 First up, I'd like to come clean. 347 00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:08,960 It's not my birthday. I don't know why I said that. 348 00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:11,720 -Anyway... -Is there coffee? 349 00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:13,560 Just eggs. 350 00:15:15,680 --> 00:15:17,720 Yes, Mae has something to share. 351 00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:18,680 Oh. No, no. 352 00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:21,800 I don't-- I don't think I really need to be here. 353 00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:25,920 Yeah. You seem like a really fun crew, 354 00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:27,560 but I've been clean a long time. 355 00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:31,080 And I think, for me, the main problem is that I was very premature. 356 00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:33,920 I was actually in an incubator. 357 00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:36,040 Anyway, I hate eggs. 358 00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:38,360 [David] What do we say to newcomers, guys? 359 00:15:38,440 --> 00:15:40,440 [all] Keep coming back. It works. 360 00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:42,320 [Mae sighs] 361 00:15:43,680 --> 00:15:44,960 Hey, are you all right? 362 00:15:45,040 --> 00:15:46,600 Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just premature. 363 00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:49,560 It is so boring in there, isn't it? I can't bear it either. 364 00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:51,600 I just hate eggs! You know what I mean? 365 00:15:51,680 --> 00:15:54,440 So do I! They're loathsome. I call them the devil's orbs. 366 00:15:55,840 --> 00:15:57,000 That's funny. 367 00:15:57,080 --> 00:15:58,960 Can I get you a coffee? You need a coffee? 368 00:15:59,040 --> 00:15:59,920 I love coffee. 369 00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:03,040 I find it so weird that it comes from beans. 370 00:16:03,120 --> 00:16:05,640 Isn't that bizarre? [laughing] 371 00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:07,600 -I'm Maggie. -I'm Mae. 372 00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:09,360 Good to meet you. 373 00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:11,320 This is actually the exit. 374 00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:12,240 [Mae] Oh. 375 00:16:13,480 --> 00:16:14,920 I want you to do something for me. 376 00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:18,680 I want you to take your past and put it in a box. Have you done that? 377 00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:20,120 -Yeah. -[Maggie] Now take that box 378 00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:23,800 and throw it in the bin and flush that bin down the toilet. 379 00:16:23,880 --> 00:16:24,920 Oh, man. 380 00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:27,120 -Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah. -Yeah. 381 00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:29,600 -You know where my past is? -Where? 382 00:16:29,680 --> 00:16:32,360 It's in a box, in a trench at the bottom of the ocean. 383 00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:34,320 Only James Cameron has seen it. 384 00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:36,560 Wow. 385 00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:41,520 Oh, God. I'm sorry, but I've hated every single mouthful of that coffee 386 00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:44,360 and I must do something about it now. Otherwise I will die! 387 00:16:44,440 --> 00:16:45,840 I don't know why I come here. 388 00:16:46,280 --> 00:16:47,760 You wanna know how to fix your brain? 389 00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:48,720 Simple. 390 00:16:49,040 --> 00:16:50,560 Just stay busy. 391 00:16:50,640 --> 00:16:52,200 Never don't be doing something. Ever. 392 00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:54,600 I'm far too busy to think about drugs. 393 00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:56,640 So, do you have kids and stuff or... 394 00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:57,640 I have hobbies. 395 00:16:57,760 --> 00:16:59,640 I bake. I kayak. 396 00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:01,440 I weave my own clothes on a loom. 397 00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:03,000 Sometimes I just run to Kent. 398 00:17:03,080 --> 00:17:05,080 I've been clean for 12 years. 399 00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:06,480 [man clears throat loudly] 400 00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:09,240 Oh, don't look at me like that, Ethan! 401 00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:13,200 It just doesn't make sense to me. I just-- 402 00:17:13,280 --> 00:17:16,360 How can someone so clean and fresh be an ex-junkie? 403 00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:17,760 She smells like laundry. 404 00:17:18,360 --> 00:17:22,000 It makes sense, man. I mean, her legs are always moving and her eyes are spooky. 405 00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:24,160 Yes, but you know about addicts 'cause you're from... 406 00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:26,960 Hollywood. I'm from Hollywood. 407 00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:29,680 -You gotta make her feel safe. -Mmm. 408 00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:32,320 I don't know. Make this place more Canadian or something. 409 00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:33,240 [George] Canada. 410 00:17:33,320 --> 00:17:34,600 Yeah, I can do that. 411 00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:36,320 Thanks. 412 00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:39,240 I don't think we've ever had a proper conversation before. 413 00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:41,880 Becoming friends. All right, up top! 414 00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:44,160 -Okay. -All right. 415 00:17:44,360 --> 00:17:45,960 -Brunch on Thursday. -No, thank you. 416 00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:48,560 Friday? 417 00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:51,240 I think you should take up capoeira. I'm sorry, but I really do. 418 00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:53,640 Oh my God. You're like a prophet. 419 00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:56,720 Thank you so much. I gotta go, but I'm gonna call you. 420 00:17:57,400 --> 00:17:59,000 Or... actually, 421 00:17:59,080 --> 00:18:02,280 do you want to be my sponsor? I don't think I really need the meetings. 422 00:18:02,360 --> 00:18:04,080 -No. Neither do I. -But maybe we can 423 00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:05,960 hang out and that would be the same thing? 424 00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:07,720 Yeah. Anytime. Night or day. 425 00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:10,080 And remember, throw your past in the bin and just... 426 00:18:10,160 --> 00:18:11,520 -[both] Stay busy. -[laughing] 427 00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:12,520 -Bye. -Yeah. 428 00:18:12,600 --> 00:18:13,720 [laughs] 429 00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:16,200 [George] Wait, what do you mean you're not going back? 430 00:18:16,280 --> 00:18:17,280 I'm just not going back. 431 00:18:17,360 --> 00:18:19,720 -They only had eggs. It was bullshit. -Oh. 432 00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:22,240 Oh, wow. Yeah. That's so cool. 433 00:18:22,320 --> 00:18:25,320 You're such a rebel. Mae, you're like James Dean. 434 00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:28,040 Okay, but check it out. I got a sponsor. 435 00:18:28,120 --> 00:18:31,280 I met this weird woman and she said I just need to stay busy instead. 436 00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:32,360 Wait. 437 00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:35,720 Do you actually think I look like James Dean? 438 00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:36,640 Mae, I... 439 00:18:37,360 --> 00:18:39,400 Isn't the first rule of these meetings 440 00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:41,160 accepting that you have a problem? 441 00:18:41,240 --> 00:18:43,520 I had a problem and now I have you. 442 00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:47,280 You can't just have me. Okay? I don't just have you. 443 00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:50,000 I have work and I have my friends and I... 444 00:18:51,360 --> 00:18:52,720 -Yeah. -[George] What? 445 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:54,840 What is that? 446 00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:56,640 [exhales sharply] All right. 447 00:18:57,600 --> 00:19:00,240 How come I've never met any of your friends? 448 00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:03,880 She makes a good point. 449 00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:09,120 I'm sorry, can we not have this conversation in front of Phil, please? 450 00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:15,560 I'm going to introduce you when I'm ready. 451 00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:17,960 Okay? But this conversation is about you, actually. 452 00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:21,280 Well, maybe I didn't tell you about it 'cause I didn't think you'd get it. 453 00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:23,200 We've had very different lives, 454 00:19:23,280 --> 00:19:26,200 and you grew up, like, in a bag of feathers. 455 00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:29,200 Oxford, actually. I grew up in Oxford. You ever heard of it? 456 00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:34,440 Maybe I'd get it if you explained it, but you don't, okay? So I have to, 457 00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:37,240 like, root around in all of your stuff. 458 00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:39,720 -You went through my stuff? -Yes! 459 00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:41,280 It says here 460 00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:43,360 that you wrote this in hospital. 461 00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:47,720 And that you owe someone called "Ink Boy" $800. 462 00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:51,440 Oh, and what is this? Is this, like, a drugs hat? 463 00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:56,840 Mae, where are you going? 464 00:19:59,320 --> 00:20:00,360 Oh, my God. 465 00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:06,040 [rock music playing] 466 00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:13,560 [George] Fuck. 467 00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:17,480 I don't... 468 00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:20,400 What the fuck was that? 469 00:20:20,560 --> 00:20:21,640 New me. 470 00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:23,040 New life. 471 00:20:23,120 --> 00:20:25,240 I have everything under control. 472 00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:26,840 Said every junkie ever. 473 00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:31,440 -Oh, Mae, I... -[Mae sniffles] 474 00:20:33,080 --> 00:20:34,120 [George] Oh... 475 00:20:35,480 --> 00:20:37,680 God, why do you have to be so intense? 476 00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:42,000 I am not... 477 00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:43,800 intense. 478 00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:47,000 I'm sorry. 479 00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:54,760 So I'm jizzing, and I'm jizzing, and I'm jizzing. 480 00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:56,840 I'm jizzing like a goddamn machine gun. 481 00:20:56,920 --> 00:20:58,840 -Jizz, jizz, jizz! -[audience laughing] 482 00:20:58,920 --> 00:21:00,320 [man] Reload! 483 00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:02,840 Why did you book this terrible man? 484 00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:03,760 That's Pete. 485 00:21:04,160 --> 00:21:05,040 People love Pete. 486 00:21:05,840 --> 00:21:08,320 If they like him, they are not gonna like me. 487 00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:10,600 Ah, well, you'd be surprised. People are mad. 488 00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:11,880 Yeah. Okay. 489 00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:14,480 -[audience laughing] -[Nick moans softly] 490 00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:18,360 [high-pitched feedback ringing] 491 00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:19,280 [snorts] 492 00:21:19,360 --> 00:21:24,640 [ringing continues] 493 00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:27,080 [man grunting playfully, laughing] 494 00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:28,120 [Nick] You're up next. 495 00:21:28,200 --> 00:21:30,000 Where you been in my life, baby? 496 00:21:30,560 --> 00:21:31,880 What is this? 497 00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:34,280 -Do you like it? It's my new gimmick. -[audience cheering] 498 00:21:34,360 --> 00:21:36,240 [Pete] Fuck yeah! I'm a fucking king! Whoo! 499 00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:38,520 Hey. 500 00:21:38,600 --> 00:21:39,440 Who's this guy? 501 00:21:40,080 --> 00:21:41,000 [sniffs] 502 00:21:42,160 --> 00:21:44,200 ♪ Slam your body down And wind it all around ♪ 503 00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:45,880 ♪ If you want to be my lover... ♪ 504 00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:48,840 So Monday, Wednesday, Friday, I bring in my packed lunch. 505 00:21:48,920 --> 00:21:51,280 -I have my usual, which is... -Ham. 506 00:21:51,360 --> 00:21:55,960 Ham. Then Tuesday, Thursday, I go into the cafeteria. 507 00:21:56,360 --> 00:21:58,920 What do you think they're serving on both days 508 00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:00,120 this particular week? 509 00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:02,840 -Ham? -[laughing] Ham! 510 00:22:02,920 --> 00:22:05,400 So that's Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. 511 00:22:05,480 --> 00:22:07,320 Ham, ham, ham, ham, ham! 512 00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:08,560 I'm seeing someone. Sorry. 513 00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:10,440 Okay. 514 00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:11,640 [scoffs] 515 00:22:12,320 --> 00:22:14,200 Well, I feel like a regular old ham head. 516 00:22:14,280 --> 00:22:15,400 [chuckles] 517 00:22:15,480 --> 00:22:16,760 What's his name? 518 00:22:16,840 --> 00:22:19,360 Um, Jonathan Crenshaw. 519 00:22:20,080 --> 00:22:21,440 -Jonathan Crenshaw. -Yeah. 520 00:22:22,720 --> 00:22:25,080 Well, you know. When the cat's away, 521 00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:29,560 the mice hit the town and... I don't remember the exact saying, but-- 522 00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:31,720 -[new song starts] -Oh shit! This is me! 523 00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:38,680 ♪ One can have a dream, baby ♪ 524 00:22:38,760 --> 00:22:41,400 ♪ Two can make that dream so true ♪ 525 00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:42,520 Fuck off, Jared! 526 00:22:42,600 --> 00:22:45,120 ♪ One can talk about being in love ♪ 527 00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:47,600 ♪ Two can see how it really feels ♪ 528 00:22:47,680 --> 00:22:51,120 -[song fades] -[alternative pop music playing] 529 00:22:54,160 --> 00:22:55,440 ♪ Call me ♪ 530 00:22:57,160 --> 00:22:58,640 ♪ Any time ♪ 531 00:23:00,040 --> 00:23:02,600 ♪ I'll run to you ♪ 532 00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:05,760 ♪ Crawl ♪ 533 00:23:07,120 --> 00:23:08,840 ♪ I'll cry for you ♪ 534 00:23:10,840 --> 00:23:12,600 ♪ Die for you... ♪ 535 00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:14,520 Hi. 536 00:23:15,440 --> 00:23:16,280 Hi. 537 00:23:19,640 --> 00:23:20,680 What do you wanna know? 538 00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:22,440 Everything. 539 00:23:28,200 --> 00:23:32,240 I got addicted to coke when I was a kid and my parents kicked me out. 540 00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:36,200 I sold drugs, I overdosed, I went to jail. 541 00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:38,400 I just really, 542 00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:40,920 really want it to be over. 543 00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:44,040 [sighs] 544 00:23:45,280 --> 00:23:46,120 Okay. 545 00:23:49,880 --> 00:23:51,120 -Really? -Yeah. 546 00:23:55,120 --> 00:23:55,960 Cool. 547 00:23:57,000 --> 00:23:58,720 Is there anything else we need to talk about? 548 00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:01,240 Like... did you wanna tell me about your friends and why-- 549 00:24:01,320 --> 00:24:02,760 Why don't you just go down on me? 550 00:24:04,400 --> 00:24:05,640 Okay, that sounds good. Yeah. 551 00:24:08,080 --> 00:24:09,240 [phone dings] 552 00:24:22,480 --> 00:24:28,480 [high-pitched feedback ringing] 553 00:24:28,560 --> 00:24:30,920 [pop music playing] 554 00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:33,720 -[ringing stops] -[man vocalizing] 555 00:24:33,800 --> 00:24:35,600 ♪ Take to relieve it ♪ 556 00:24:37,320 --> 00:24:39,680 ♪ All your wishes come true ♪ 557 00:24:48,840 --> 00:24:50,680 ♪ Take to believe it ♪