CODY: Okay, so we hard cut inside the convenience store.
Cody and Barbara enter; they're high as fuck.
And they head to the snack aisle.
BARBARA: Yeah, and then that's probably
where we should introduce Sheila, right?
- Who's Sheila? - You know, the crack whore.
- Oh, the crack sex worker. Yeah. - I mean, the crack sex worker.
- Are we calling her Sheila? - Yeah, why? Do you not like it?
- I don't know. She just doesn't, like,
feel like a Sheila. Maybe Shayna? - [inhales sharply]
Um, I actually do have a cousin named Shayna,
and I kind of worry that she might be, like, offended.
Do you know what I mean?
Like, I don't want her to think I'm making fun of her.
And, see, the thing that you have to know about Shayna--
actually really nice to talk... - Okay, but it's not like she's gonna see it.
I mean, it's just a spec script. It's not like it's getting made.
- Okay, well, it won't with that attitude,
that's for sure. [ringtone playing]
Oh, my God, Cody, if it's Dan, do not pick up.
Do not pick up! We're working! Ugh!
You fat bitch. You always do this.
Ugh, you're gonna come back, and you're gonna be
in a bad mood, and then we're gonna
have to talk about your relationship,
and I'm gonna have to pretend that I care.
[microwave beeping]
CODY: Well, that's it.
Dan's totally cheating on me. So...
- I know, right?
- Yeah. He's going on that girl Simone's podcast.
And she is so beautiful.
- She's honestly stunning.
- They probably haven't gotten physical yet, just because,
like, she seems like this really sweet person. [water splashes]
And she's probably, like... - Super sweet.
- ...considering my feelings, but it's only a matter of time,
realistically, before, like, they move in together
and, you know, like, start making a family. - Yeah, time.
Realistic. Time.
CODY: I mean, you know, he's a successful guy.
Like, a lot of girls would... - Uh-huh.
[romantic music playing]
Who... is...
that?
- Um, I don't know, my downstairs neighbor?
BARBARA: Holy shit!
I mean, you saw it, right?
- See what? - His dick.
It was, like, bulging in his pants.
- Oh, my God. - It was, like, pulsating.
And honestly, now that I'm thinking about it,
I think I could see the outline of his balls, too.
- Oh, my God. Dude. Dude. Gross! - What?
- He's, like, 14.
- Okay, so?
I'm seven. He's, like, twice my age.
- I mean, I guess, but still...
- Okay, Cody, shut up. You like older guys, too.
Who do you think that was with him?
Do you think that was his girlfriend?
She's busted, right?
I mean, could you believe what she was wearing? It was like...
- Dude, what? No. That's his mom,
who he lives with, 'cause he's 14.
- Do you think it'd be, like, really weird
if you set us up or whatever?
- Yes. It would be insanely weird.
Like, what's wrong with you?
- I'm a sex doll, okay?
I'm sorry that, like, my very nature
is just completely offensive to you.
- Okay, that's obviously not what I meant.
- Forget I even ever brought it up.
It's like, I'm always there for you.
You're literally never there for me.
- Wow. A hard right.
When have I not been there for you?
- Um, how about, like, ten minutes ago?
The whole thing with my cousin Shayna.
The second I start opening up to you about something,
you just shut me down.
And things are really strained with me and Shayna right now.
No, and, like... - Okay, Barbara, you can't just like...
- Oh, my God, you're doing it again!
- Barbara, this is insane.
And I know that you have, like, some weird hold over me,
where I do all this inappropriate shit for you,
but I am not asking my 14-year-old neighbor
to fuck my boyfriend's used sex doll.
So, um, just in here.
Thanks a lot for helping me out with this, Jaxon.
- Sure, it's no problem.
So, um, what do you need moved?
- Um... this couch.
Yeah. It's, uh...
it's in the wrong place, according to feng shui,
so that's...
you know, maybe that's why my life is so messed up, right?
- Yeah, um, where do you want it to go?
- Um, here.
Just, like, this-this side... here, kind of.
So, you're in, um, what, you're in, like, ninth grade?
- Eighth.
- Eighth grade.
Great. Cool.
So, that's, like, the grade where you get a...
girlfriend or...?
- No, not really. - No?
- Hey, is this gonna be weird?
Um, 'cause the couch is in front of the fireplace now.
- Oh, huh, I'll just, um...
I just won't use the fireplace anymore.
BARBARA: Yo, where are those nuts at?!
- Um...
Actually, I have a...
another thing that needs to be moved, and, uh,
that thing is in... in my bedroom, so...
This way.
[pop music playing quietly]
Oh, my gosh.
I forgot I left out my friend. [chuckles]
Have you seen one of these before? BARBARA: Hey.
CODY: They're very cool.
They're basically, like, a doll you have sex with,
which is cool.
BARBARA: Okay, he gets it, Cody. - Oh, okay.
- Show him the lube. - [whispering]: I'm not gonna show him the lube.
This is crazy.
- So, um, what do you need moved in here?
- Um, so this is... um,
this is my bottle of lubricant.
BARBARA: Tell him that it's lavender hibiscus.
- This smells really good. BARBARA: Cody!
Get out of here. You're weirding him out. JAXON: Uh, you know what?
I actually have piano, so I-I got, I got to go.
- No! No, Cody, don't let him go!
Don't let him go!
Tell him about my new vagina!
- Jaxon, can't you just-- Jaxon.
Will you... will you please just fuck my sex doll?!
What did you think was gonna happen?
He's a kid. He probably doesn't even have pubes.
- You're saying he's out of my league?
- No! What are you... [shudders]
I-- Barbara, I'm sorry. I tried.
You saw. I tried, okay?
- It's fine.
It's not your fault.
I'm old.
I'm outdated. - Barb...
Barbara, stop. [scoffs]
You want to talk about old and outdated?
Like, past her prime? Like, look at me.
- Cody, you realize
I say all that mean shit to you because...
[sighs] I'm jealous.
- What are you talking about? - You're so hot.
- Shut up. No, I'm not. - You are.
You are. You're, like, effortlessly hot. - Shut up.
- And, like, your tits are amazing.
- Are you serious? - Yes!
- My tits are like, eh-- like, who cares?
Like, they're nothing to write home about.
- They are so gorgeous. - I'm serious.
- No, they're amazing. - They're not. Feel.
- Yes. - No, I'm being serious. Feel.
Feel. - Ah.
Dude, they're literally perfect.
- Um, yours are perfect. - Mine?
I hate my boobs.
They're, like, cold and hard and, like, fake.
- No. Uh, shut up.
- They are. Feel.
[soft pop song playing]
- [quietly]: Whatever. They're so nice.
- Thanks. I mean, yours are amazing. [chuckles]
- ♪ I am ready, I am fine. ♪
♪