♪ "If I Can't Have You" by Shawn Mendes ♪
SIMON: Dear Victor, Benji has a boyfriend?
That sucks.
Before I was out, I was devastated
when my fake celebrity crush, Gigi Hadid,
started dating my real celebrity crush, Zayn.
I'm still not totally over it.
How are you holding up?
VICTOR: Honestly, Simon,
I'm fine.
Things with Benji are great.
Hey, Benji, can you open the‐‐
and hand me the‐‐
I also need the‐‐
[cell phone beeping]
‐ Hey, handsome. What's up?
VICTOR: Him having a boyfriend
is the best thing that could have happened.
It means he's off the table.
So, I can focus on Mia.
And everything else is starting to lock in, too.
I found my Creekwood people.
[whistle blows]
I'm in a good rhythm on the basketball team.
PLAYER: Yo!
PLAYER 2: Oh, dang!
COACH FORD: [laughs] Oh, you're on fire, Salazar.
You keep it up, we could actually beat Whitman this Friday.
And then maybe the other coaches would add me to their group text.
‐ All right, don't get cocky. Okay, you scored on Cooperman.
Like to see you make that shot on me, yeah?
Well, I didn't‐‐ I didn't mean, like, right now, okay? I wasn't ready.
‐ ♪ Is it too late... ♪
VICTOR: And even my family seems to be getting along.
FELIX: Ms. S., do you make a poster for every one of Victor's games?
ISABEL: Uh‐huh.
‐ "Salazar" is a "Salastar."
Wow. You are a pun wizard, and I'm under your spell.
‐ [laughs] Thank you, Felix.
At least someone appreciates my hardcore random.
‐ Yeah, hardcore is right.
Back in Texas during regional semis,
she got ejected from the game for excessive dancing.
‐ Since when is dancing not allowed?
We don't live in a Footloose world.
‐ Not everyone enjoys watching you twerk like a geriatric Cardi B.
‐ Honey, even though the sign says Victor is number one,
I'm just talking about the basketball game.
I love all my kids exactly the same.
‐ But if you had to rank us, I'd be on top, right?
‐ [whispers]: Definitely.
Shh.
Oh, you're still here?
‐ All right, I am so glad you were able to make it for dinner, Felix.
And breakfast. It's, uh, it's almost like you live here.
‐ Guys!
I feel that way, too.
‐ Pilar, it's your turn to say grace.
And before you complain, please just‐‐ ‐ Actually, it would be my honor.
‐ Oh.
PILAR: Bless us, oh Lord, and bless this pizza which you provided.
Bless the hands that prepared it.
But most of all, bless my mother, Isabel.
She needs your guidance the most,
'cause she's nasty, and she knows it. Amen.
‐ Hey! I don't care if you are jealous about Victor's big game.
You may not speak to me that way.
ARMANDO: Your room.
Now!
[door closes] FELIX: So...
do you guys, uh, always do grace roast style?
[knocking on door] PILAR: Go away!
‐ Brought you the last slice of sausage.
[door closes]
What's your deal?
This can't be about Mom's pun posters.
‐ Of course not.
Victor, Mom had an affair.
‐ What? No, she didn't.
‐ After I finished setting up her Facebook page,
some guy named Roger R. started messaging her all this
creepy romantic crap. Look.
VICTOR: This is, um...
We don't know what any of this means.
‐ "I miss you. I wish you were here. Please call me."
‐ He's probably just some internet creep, okay?
That's why Mom hasn't written him back.
‐ She hasn't written back because she hasn't seen the messages yet.
I changed her Facebook password and said her profile got a virus.
Moms really don't understand how the internet works.
‐ It's probably just spam.
Mom stopped watching Jimmy Kimmel after he got skinny
because she was having impure thoughts.
There's no way she had an affair.
[computer dings]
[dings]
VICTOR: Yep, Simon. Everything is going great.
♪ upbeat music playing ♪
‐ ♪ Waiting for the time ♪
♪ Waiting for the place ♪
♪ And I, I, I ♪
♪ I, I need ♪
♪ Somebody to tell me it'll be all right ♪
♪ Somebody to tell me it'll be just fine ♪
♪ If someone has been there before, say it right now ♪
♪ 'Cause I just need to hear it ♪
♪
[humming along to music on headphones]
‐ Ha ha. Busted! ‐ Dad! [chuckles]
You're home.
Wait, how long have you been standing there?
‐ Not too long. [vocalizing]
Come here. I missed you, beans. [kissing noises]
‐ Uh‐oh. Is that for me? [Harold sighs]
‐ Aah, aah, aah.
‐ What? ‐ All the way from gay Paris.
And what makes you say, "Uh‐oh?"
‐ Because you have disastrous taste in souvenirs.
‐ [laughs] This gift is good. I promise.
‐ Dad, this is gorgeous!
Wait, you picked this out?
‐ Well, not exactly.
My, um, friend did.
‐ Oh.
What's an, "um, friend?"
What, were you in Paris with a lady?
Thought this was a work trip. ‐ It was.
It really was.
I was there for an academic symposium at the Sorbonne.
Veronica, she just tagged along.
‐ Mm, right. Just like Monica tagged along to Denver,
and Lauren tagged along to Miami,
and Sidney tagged along to Sydney!
‐ Now, now that was a strange coincidence.
Look, it was brand new, all right,
and I didn't know if it was going anywhere,
but then, I guess it went somewhere.
‐ Yeah, to a hotel suite in the city of romance.
‐ Ah, it's actually called the city of lights.
That's not the point.
Listen, sweetheart, I would like for you two to meet each other.
We were thinking, you know,
we could all have dinner maybe later this week.
‐ Yeah, of course.
‐ Yeah? ‐ Mm‐hmm.
And thank you for this. ‐ Aah.
‐ Your, um, friend has amazing taste. [Harold laughs]
‐ I'm excited for you to meet her. [hands slap]
‐ Yeah, I can't wait.
[Harold chuckles]
MIA: I just can't, with this dinner.
Every time my dad gets a new girlfriend, they just get younger and dumber.
‐ What kind of car does he drive again? ‐ Ha ha.
‐ So, if you're meeting the girlfriend on Friday,
does that mean you can't come to the game?
‐ Oh, no. I can do both.
Lake, here, is coming with me to the dinner,
so she can get us out of it early. ‐ Mm‐hmm.
‐ How? ‐ Oh, uh, I'm the excuse queen, so...
‐ What does that mean? LAKE: Well, it means...
Oh, my God.
Uh, you guys, my little brother just swallowed a golf ball,
and now he's in the hospital. ‐ What?
‐ Oh, my gosh. Is he okay?
‐ Excuse queen. [Victor and Felix laughing]
‐ Oh, my God. That‐‐ You're like, the next Judi Dench.
‐ So, how are you guys so sure your dad's girlfriend's gonna be terrible?
‐ 'Cause they're all terrible. [chuckles]
Starting with my drunk mother,
who checked herself into rehab on my 12th birthday,
and never came back.
Sorry. We had good banter going. Did I kill it? I killed it.
‐ I'm so sorry, Mia. I, I knew your mom wasn't around, and‐‐
‐ No, it's fine. It was a long time ago. I am very over it.
‐ It's weird. Before your mom left,
I used to think she was the coolest.
‐ I guess we don't always know what's going on with our parents.
VICTOR: Hey.
Even though there's no way Mom did what you think she did, we need answers.
‐ Damn. Mom's little golden boy turned on her.
‐ I didn't turn. I just want to prove he's some random stalker,
and move on with our lives.
So, should we just ask her who he is?
‐ No way. She'd just make up some lie.
‐ So, what do you think we should do? ‐ I've already been doing it.
I've been messaging him all day as Mom.
‐ Pilar! ‐ What? She won't know.
And get this. He's coming to Atlanta on Friday to attend a conference,
and he wants to see Mom.
‐ That's not good.
‐ The only conference he's trying to attend is in Mom's pants.
I think we should go meet up with him in her place.
But before you say no‐‐ ‐ Let's do it.
‐ Really?
‐ Really.
♪
[birds chirping]
MIA: All right. [Lake sighs]
[silverware clattering] ‐ Now remember, get in, get out.
Meet Harold's new playmate.
Smile blankly as she shows us pictures of her Chihuahuas
that are probably named after Bachelor contestants.
Hear about how she's thinking of starting a new jewelry line.
‐ And at eight on the dot, I'll excuse queen our way
straight to Victor's game. Hashtag "Not My First Rodeo."
[doorbell rings] HAROLD: Mia, sweetheart, she's here.
[Harold sighs]
[indistinct chatter] How ya doin'?
[kissing noises] ‐ Hmm. This is weird.
She's like, twice my age. So not his type.
‐ She must be great in the sack.
‐ Like, why would you say that?
‐ What? An older woman knows how to do things a young woman doesn't.
You know, in the baño.
‐ I think you mean in the boudoir. Baño means bathroom.
‐ Ooh. Kinky.
‐ Mia. Lake.
I want you to meet Veronica.
‐ Hi. MIA: Hi.
It's very nice to meet you. VERONICA: Hi, Mia.
I've been waiting to meet you for weeks,
but your dear old dad thought it might be too soon.
We can talk about his stubbornness later.
‐ Please, it wasn't just me, all right? She's been swamped with work.
Veronica runs the Global Women's Advancement Initiative.
VERONICA: Mm‐hmm. ‐ Is that a jewelry line?
[Harold laughs] ‐ No, actually it's a nonprofit
that supports women through economic and social initiatives.
HAROLD: [chuckles] She's out there trying to make the world a better place.
That's one thing I love about her.
VERONICA: Aw! ‐ Oh.
‐ All right, so who's hungry?
I tried to make this fancy lamb thing,
but, uh, I want to make sure that we have enough time to order takeout
just in case it's inedible. [chuckles] ‐ I'm sure it's gonna be great.
He cooks, which is one of the things I love about him.
HAROLD: [chuckles] Come on, let's get you some wine.
[elevator bell dings] [indistinct chatter]
‐ How do we know which one is Roger?
His only profile picture is a dog.
Oh! Look at that guy.
By himself. Two drinks. Obviously waiting for someone.
Plus, he looks like a Roger.
‐ How does someone look like a Roger?
‐ The khakis. The receding hairline. The windbreaker.
VICTOR: I'm starting to think this was a bad idea.
‐ I'm going in.
‐ Oh, please stay calm, and‐‐ Or better yet, just let me do the talking.
It'd be better‐‐ [sighs] ‐ Hey!
We know who you are, and we know why you're here.
Isabel already has as a family. ‐ What?
‐ Yeah. She has a husband and three kids who she loves very, very much.
‐ So you need to leave our mom alone.
‐ Who the hell is Isabel?
‐ I have no idea!
‐ It's that woman you're always on the phone with, isn't it?
‐ We've been over this. That's Siri!
She's not a person. She is my phone.
‐ I don't think that was Roger.
‐ Uh, yeah! That was stupid.
And as much as I love ruining random strangers' marriages,
I have a game to get to. So why don't we just...
[elevator bell dings]
PILAR: What?
‐ I know that guy.
That's Dad's old boss.
‐ I thought Ramon was his old boss.
‐ Ramon was the foreman. This... This guy was the big boss.
I met him at the company holiday party back in Texas.
‐ I don't get it. How would Mom even know his big boss?
And why would they‐‐ ‐ Let's go.
‐ We didn't even get to talk to him. ‐ We're going.
I, I don't want to be here.
[Pilar grunts]
HAROLD: [chuckles] The fundraiser's almost over,
and this pretty lady hands me a napkin with a large number written on it.
VERONICA: Oh‐‐ ‐ I'm thinking she wants to make a donation to the university.
‐ It was your number. Oh, she was giving your dad her number.
‐ Mm‐hmm. Got it.
Great. Lake and I are gonna clear the plates.
LAKE: Okay, yeah. Uh, sure. HAROLD: All right.
‐ Why were you laughing at her?
That was mildly humorous, at best.
‐ I don't know. She's charming, and age‐appropriate.
I thought you'd be glad she's not some 20‐something floozy
who thinks Kamala Harris is a "Real Housewife."
‐ I thought I'd be glad, too, but for some reason, I'm not.
‐ [sighs] Well, do you wanna bail early?
I created a fake text saying my parents are in the hospital
for carbon monoxide poisoning.
‐ God, no.
Hmm, I don't want to go just yet.
Something's not right.
‐ Oof, yeah. Your dad's lamb is not sitting well.
‐ All right. Hold off on the excuse.
I want to figure out what her deal really is.
VERONICA: Oh! HAROLD: Look at that!
‐ Yes, please! The diet can start tomorrow.
[Lake laughs] ‐ So, Veronica,
ever been married?
‐ Um, no. Actually, I haven't.
‐ Hmm, that's odd. An accomplished, intelligent,
pretty‐enough woman like you. What happened?
‐ Mia. Come on, you're being a little rude.
‐ It's okay. I've testified before Congress.
This is nothing.
I guess I just haven't really prioritized my personal life.
For many years, I was really addicted to‐‐ ‐ Pills?
‐ No. I was going to say I was addicted to my work.
I have a tendency to place my career first.
‐ Got it. Ever have any children? ‐ No.
‐ Well, how many partners have you not had children with?
HAROLD: Mia Brooks! [scoffs]
‐ Oh, no! My house has monoxide.
‐ I'm sorry about this, Veronica. My daughter...
has clearly gone insane.
VERONICA: It's okay, Harold.
I think I understand what's going on here.
‐ Hmm.
‐ You're acting out, because your dad is in a real relationship,
and that freaks you out. I get it.
But Mia, I just want you to know, I'm not trying to replace your mother.
‐ I wish you would replace my mother, because then you wouldn't even be here.
HAROLD: Hey!
What the hell has gotten into you?
[thuds]
‐ The lamb was everything. So...
[scoffs]
Love this.
[door opens, then closes]
♪ upbeat music playing ♪
‐ They're already here.
I can't even look at her.
‐ Promise you won't say anything to Mom until after the game.
‐ Okay.
‐ So, are we gonna talk about that dinner,
and how "jealous daughter" is not a good look on you?
‐ No. We're here to support Victor and have fun.
Go, Grizzlies!
‐ Your mommy is cray. [kisses]
‐ ♪ I been up ♪
♪ I been down ♪
[crowd cheering]
‐ You all right, man? ‐ I'm fine.
‐ Bring that aggro out onto the court tonight. I want to win.
[all cheering]
‐ All right, all right, guys. Bring it in. Grizzlies, bring it in.
All right. We haven't beaten Whitman in four years.
But by a stroke of good luck,
their star center fell off a ladder and broke his femur.
‐ All right. ‐ Sorry, that sounded overly gleeful.
I hope he has a speedy recovery.
Look, the point is, I think we have a real shot this year.
Especially since we got Salazar.
So for the love of God, let's just win this game.
Come on, put it in. PLAYER: All right, guys, bring it in.
‐ Grizzlies on three! Grizzlies on three! One, two, three‐‐
ALL: Grizzlies!
[all cheering and yelling]
ISABEL: Here we go, Victor, here we go. [all clap]
Here we go, Victor, here we go. ‐ Mm. Must be Victor's parents.
At least one of us has a normal family.
♪
‐ Ooh. Mom keeps it tight, and Dad has a full head of hair.
That bodes so well for your someday babies.
[crowd cheering]
♪
GIRL: Woo!
[whistle blows]
PLAYER 1: Turn it around!
PLAYER 2: Yeah, come on!
‐ Come on, guys. Set it up.
‐ Hey. Ball.
WOMAN: Shoot it! ISABEL: Go, mijo!
PLAYER 1: Come on, man! PLAYER 2: Victor, let go!
PLAYER 1: Salazar, pass, bro!
PLAYER 2: Yo, Salazar, what's up?
[crowd chattering, cheering]
[crowd groaning]
[grunts]
ANDREW: Yo, Victor, get your head in the game!
‐ Hey! Ho!
ANDREW: Vic, Vic, Vic, Vic!
PLAYER: Oh, my... Come on!
‐ Dude, get your head out of your ass.
‐ I'm just off tonight, okay?
ISABEL: It's all right. It's all right. ‐ All right, you got it.
[whistle chirps twice]
‐ Traveling.
‐ You called that before I even touched the ground!
‐ Creekwood, get your point under control.
‐ [scoffs] I'm under control.
‐ Salazar, take a seat and cool down.
‐ You're benching me?
This is bullshit! [slams]
[whistle blows] [crowd murmuring]
[door slams]
[door closes]
‐ Victor.
Victor.
Victor, stop.
What is going on with you?
We didn't raise you to behave like that. It's disgraceful.
‐ I'm disgraceful?
I'm not the one having an affair behind Dad's back!
You cheated on Dad with his boss!
Does he know? ARMANDO: Victor!
I know.
I know. She told me everything,
and it wasn't easy, but, hey, she was honest.
‐ Honest?
She got with your boss, and you think she's honest?
‐ Oh, bueno. We are not doing this here.
Not in front of your little brother, so just... get in the car.
Victor, get in the car.
‐ Oh, my God.
‐ I know. I'm sorry, okay...
All right. Let's go. Now.
[keys jangle] [alarm beeps twice]
[car door closes]
‐ The first thing you kids need to know is that...
your mom and I, we're... we're not perfect.
But we love each other.
Very much.
‐ And what happened with Roger...
[Isabel clears throat]
...with your dad's old boss was...
He hired me to give his son piano lessons.
And, uh, we became friends.
After the lessons, we would have a cup of coffee, and just...
talk.
I was just...
I liked having someone who showed an interest in me.
And that was it. It was just a friendship.
Two friends having coffee. Listening to music.
And then...
[exhales] ...somewhere along the way...
Uh...
I just, I need you guys to know
that as soon as it crossed the line and it got physical, I shut it down.
As far as‐‐ ‐ Isabel, they don't need details.
‐ What I did was wrong.
And I love your father more than anything.
‐ I took your mother for granted.
And she needed someone to talk to.
‐ Anyway, so, um,
after all of that,
we decided that the best thing for our marriage,
for the family, was a fresh start.
And then Dad got this great job offer here, so‐‐
‐ Wait. This is why we moved?
Because you did whatever the hell you did with Dad's boss?
‐ I'm so sorry, mijitos.
I don't know what else to say.
I'm so‐‐ I am so, so sorry.
[door closes]
Thank you for saying that.
For, um, trying to make me not the bad guy.
‐ Well, thank you for not telling the rest. [chuckles]
‐ They hate me already. Why should they hate you, too?
‐ I just felt like I, I knew her better than anyone else in the world.
You know? Like...
I know that's lame to say about my mom, but it's how I felt. You know?
[exhales]
I'm sorry. I really shouldn't be complaining to you.
Your mom's been through it, and...
‐ Um, Victor,
uh, my mom's not an addict.
‐ But, but at lunch, you said that‐‐ ‐ Yeah, I know what I said.
So when my mom and dad met,
he was this young psych professor.
And my mom was this total free spirit artist.
She was taking one of his classes.
And, um, anyway, they eventually got married,
um, because he wanted to.
And then they had a kid, because he wanted to.
And when he became university president, they moved into this giant house.
And then all of a sudden, she was alone all day.
Trapped in this huge house.
In this life that she never wanted.
Trapped with me.
I think at a certain point, she just...
couldn't take it anymore. So, she left.
No explanation. No goodbye.
‐ So why do you tell people that she was an addict?
‐ Uh...
...because, um...
I don't, I don't want to admit that I...
wasn't enough to make her stay.
♪ "Angel" by FINNEAS ♪
Lying doesn't hurt as much.
But hey. I, I know what happened with your mom
is a lot.
But I saw her cheering for you at the game,
and she loves you an embarrassing amount.
So, just try to forgive her.
Okay?
‐ I'll try.
‐ And look at the silver lining.
If she hadn't made that mistake,
then you wouldn't have moved here, and we wouldn't have met.
[both laugh softly]
‐ You know, your mom was a total idiot for not realizing
what she was walking away from.
You know that, right?
‐ ♪ Kiss both your eyes and cheeks ♪
♪ I know we're not the same ♪
‐ Sorry. [laughs]
‐ ♪ You're an angel ♪
♪ In disguise ♪
[laughs]
♪ You're an angel ♪
[door closes]
[exhales]
‐ Why is it on mute?
‐ I can't figure out how to get the sound to play through the TV again.
[chuckles]
‐ I, uh...
I like the poster you made.
It was a good one.
‐ Not my best pun, but it's getting hard for me to top myself.
[exhales]
I love how close we are, Victor.
What you and I have is special.
And I really hope that what I did...
I just...
I hope it hasn't changed us.
‐ I love you, Mom, but...
I don't want to talk about this right now.
I don't think I'll ever want to talk about it.
‐ Okay.
♪ "Your Way" by Jai Wolf ♪
[exhales]
‐ ♪ I already know your ways ♪
♪ But I don't expect to change ♪
♪ I won't be in your way ♪
SIMON: Hey, Victor.
Sorry for being out of commission the last few days.
The fam was in town for parents' weekend,
and Bram and I were showing them around the city.
We had a pretty great week.
How was yours?
♪