1
00:00:10,083 --> 00:00:12,083
(WIND BLOWING)

2
00:00:15,208 --> 00:00:16,541
(EXHALES)

3
00:00:17,458 --> 00:00:18,625
Isn't this nice?

4
00:00:19,458 --> 00:00:21,291
No better time of year.

5
00:00:22,250 --> 00:00:27,500
You know, let me tell you
one of my favorite Yuletide stories.

6
00:00:28,583 --> 00:00:30,750
'Twas the night before Christmas,

7
00:00:30,833 --> 00:00:32,875
and all through the town,

8
00:00:32,958 --> 00:00:37,583
the Avengers were fighting
a brand-new superpower.

9
00:00:37,666 --> 00:00:39,833
The stockings were hung by the chimney...

10
00:00:39,916 --> 00:00:40,916
(GRUNTS)

11
00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:42,750
THE WATCHER: Well, not anymore.

12
00:00:42,833 --> 00:00:43,875
IRON MAN: Where's Thor?

13
00:00:45,625 --> 00:00:46,708
(GRUNTS)

14
00:00:49,791 --> 00:00:51,541
-(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
-(ROARS)

15
00:00:51,625 --> 00:00:55,250
THE WATCHER: Oh, right. You're probably
wondering who this guy is.

16
00:00:55,333 --> 00:00:57,875
Perhaps I should start a bit further back.

17
00:01:03,250 --> 00:01:04,291
THE WATCHER: Time.

18
00:01:07,708 --> 00:01:08,708
Space.

19
00:01:10,375 --> 00:01:11,458
Reality.

20
00:01:14,333 --> 00:01:16,125
It's more than a linear path.

21
00:01:20,916 --> 00:01:25,500
It's a prism of endless possibility,

22
00:01:27,916 --> 00:01:31,541
where a single choice
can branch out into infinite realities,

23
00:01:34,166 --> 00:01:37,125
creating alternate worlds
from the ones you know.

24
00:01:41,041 --> 00:01:42,375
I am the Watcher.

25
00:01:44,500 --> 00:01:47,625
I am your guide
through these vast new realities.

26
00:01:49,250 --> 00:01:52,916
Follow me and ponder the question...

27
00:01:56,458 --> 00:01:57,666
"What if?"

28
00:02:02,833 --> 00:02:04,833
(WIND BLOWING)

29
00:02:04,916 --> 00:02:06,625
Okay, let's try this again.

30
00:02:07,291 --> 00:02:12,000
'Twas only two hours prior
and the tower was not yet on fire.

31
00:02:12,083 --> 00:02:17,083
To the left, to the left. To the...
No, too much left. Stop. Stop!

32
00:02:17,166 --> 00:02:18,583
(JINGLE BELLS INSTRUMENTAL PLAYING)

33
00:02:18,666 --> 00:02:20,958
DARCY: Sparrow-1 to Puffin-2, do you copy?

34
00:02:21,041 --> 00:02:22,250
We have a code red down here.

35
00:02:22,333 --> 00:02:25,375
Darcy, I told you,
while JARVIS is being defragged,

36
00:02:25,458 --> 00:02:27,166
this line is for emergency use only.

37
00:02:27,250 --> 00:02:29,375
Please. Sparrow-1 on the comms, boss.

38
00:02:29,458 --> 00:02:31,833
And it's a total code red.
The caterers are here,

39
00:02:31,916 --> 00:02:35,041
and all I'm seeing are cheese cubes
and carrot sticks.

40
00:02:35,125 --> 00:02:37,375
Where's the showmanship?
Where are the Kogi buns?

41
00:02:37,458 --> 00:02:40,166
Darcy, you wanna get college credit
for this? Listen to me.

42
00:02:40,250 --> 00:02:42,333
This Avengers holiday gala
is not my first rodeo.

43
00:02:42,416 --> 00:02:44,625
Fine, fine. Ten to the four, Puffin-2.

44
00:02:44,708 --> 00:02:47,250
Wait. Why am I a puffin?
And a second puffin at that.

45
00:02:47,333 --> 00:02:49,333
-Who's the first puffin?
-Bernard in Accounting.

46
00:02:50,125 --> 00:02:51,458
Okay, that just hurts.

47
00:02:51,541 --> 00:02:55,583
I can offer you Turkey-1, Flamingo-6.
Ooh, how about the Parakeet?

48
00:02:55,666 --> 00:02:59,375
Wait. I have a better idea.
A very special assignment just for you.

49
00:02:59,458 --> 00:03:01,333
-(GASPS)
-Maraschino cherries. We're running low,

50
00:03:01,416 --> 00:03:03,416
and Tony can't have
a hot toddy without them.

51
00:03:03,500 --> 00:03:06,083
Oh, I didn't know people
put cherries in hot toddies.

52
00:03:06,166 --> 00:03:07,708
Hey, you're trying to get rid of me.

53
00:03:07,791 --> 00:03:10,541
Just looking for
a little peace on Earth, okay? Ow!

54
00:03:10,625 --> 00:03:12,750
$50 million,
you can't watch where you're going?

55
00:03:12,833 --> 00:03:14,833
-HILL: Everything under control?
-(CLEARS THROAT)

56
00:03:14,916 --> 00:03:18,791
Director Hill.
You're looking quite, uh, festive.

57
00:03:18,875 --> 00:03:21,500
Now that JARVIS has been
shut down for maintenance...

58
00:03:21,583 --> 00:03:24,708
Oh, I wanna talk to you about that.
I'd like to share a few messages

59
00:03:24,791 --> 00:03:26,291
about upgrading our threat matrix...

60
00:03:26,375 --> 00:03:28,708
Maybe you should leave that
to the security professionals.

61
00:03:28,791 --> 00:03:30,375
(CHUCKLES) But I am
a security professional.

62
00:03:30,458 --> 00:03:32,666
-I need you to focus on tonight's party.
-(ELEVATOR DINGS)

63
00:03:32,750 --> 00:03:34,958
SHIELD AGENT: Eagle-1, Eagle-1.
You're needed in command.

64
00:03:35,041 --> 00:03:36,958
-On my way.
-Eagle-1?

65
00:03:37,041 --> 00:03:39,333
This holiday party is vital, Mr. Hogan.

66
00:03:39,416 --> 00:03:42,750
After the year we've had,
people need a reason to celebrate.

67
00:03:42,833 --> 00:03:44,958
I'm counting on you to pull it off.

68
00:03:45,041 --> 00:03:46,083
Yes, ma'am.

69
00:03:47,375 --> 00:03:48,375
-(ELEVATOR DINGS)
-Hmm...

70
00:03:48,458 --> 00:03:50,791
Christmas playlist.

71
00:03:50,875 --> 00:03:55,583
Hanukkah playlist... (GASPS) That one
Mariah Carey song on loop. Bingo!

72
00:03:56,958 --> 00:03:59,916
-And to all a good...
-(MAN SNEEZES)

73
00:04:00,291 --> 00:04:02,458
-Sergei, you stepped on my line, buddy.
-(EXHALES)

74
00:04:04,708 --> 00:04:10,000
THE WATCHER: Or maybe this is the story of
how Justin Hammer stole Christmas.

75
00:04:10,333 --> 00:04:12,958
-(CROWD APPLAUDING)
-After the corrupt defense contractor

76
00:04:13,041 --> 00:04:15,125
nearly blew up the Stark Expo,

77
00:04:15,875 --> 00:04:18,416
he found himself on the naughty list.

78
00:04:18,500 --> 00:04:21,833
With time to think, time to reflect,

79
00:04:22,250 --> 00:04:23,583
time to...

80
00:04:24,333 --> 00:04:26,416
ponder his future.

81
00:04:26,500 --> 00:04:32,666
Perhaps, in this universe,
Justin Hammer had a little too much time.

82
00:04:32,750 --> 00:04:35,291
-(ELEVATOR DINGS)
-(GUNS FIRING)

83
00:04:35,375 --> 00:04:38,000
(CROWD SCREAMING)

84
00:04:38,125 --> 00:04:39,375
CATERER: We're gonna die!

85
00:04:39,458 --> 00:04:41,166
Yo, Rusty, hand me that, would you?

86
00:04:41,250 --> 00:04:42,750
-MAN: How'd they even get in here?
-(YELPS)

87
00:04:42,833 --> 00:04:45,250
The name is Rustam Leonid Vyacheslav.

88
00:04:45,333 --> 00:04:47,541
And that's exactly why
we're sticking with Rusty.

89
00:04:47,625 --> 00:04:48,625
(CROWD SCREAMING)

90
00:04:48,708 --> 00:04:50,958
People, people, listen up.

91
00:04:51,041 --> 00:04:52,833
You stay calm, you stay quiet

92
00:04:52,916 --> 00:04:56,375
and I guarantee that you'll
be home for the holidays.

93
00:04:56,458 --> 00:05:00,375
-(SNIFFLES)
-Hey, there's no crying on Christmas.

94
00:05:00,458 --> 00:05:02,666
You know, when I was seven years old,

95
00:05:02,750 --> 00:05:05,750
I wanted a Red Ryder BB gun
more than anything in the world.

96
00:05:05,833 --> 00:05:08,166
I begged my parents.
I begged Santa for it.

97
00:05:08,250 --> 00:05:11,125
Accidentally got my tongue
stuck on a telephone pole.

98
00:05:11,208 --> 00:05:13,541
(SNIFFLES) Isn't that a classic movie?

99
00:05:13,625 --> 00:05:15,166
Yes, the one with the leg lamp.

100
00:05:15,250 --> 00:05:19,083
Hey, shut up. But I didn't get the BB gun
that Christmas. Do you know why?

101
00:05:19,166 --> 00:05:20,791
(DEVICE BEEPS)

102
00:05:20,875 --> 00:05:25,250
'Cause this is America, and if
you want something, you gotta take it.

103
00:05:25,333 --> 00:05:27,833
-(MECHANICAL WHIRRING)
-(ALARM BLARING)

104
00:05:29,375 --> 00:05:30,416
(GUN COCKING)

105
00:05:30,500 --> 00:05:33,958
Oh, you unplug JARVIS for five minutes,
the whole building collapses.

106
00:05:34,041 --> 00:05:36,166
-(GLASS BREAKING)
-(GASPS)

107
00:05:39,541 --> 00:05:40,541
Huh?

108
00:05:44,541 --> 00:05:45,541
Uh, boss?

109
00:05:45,666 --> 00:05:50,291
Relax. Reprogramming command protocols,
setting new targets.

110
00:05:50,375 --> 00:05:52,208
"All on site staff" sounds good to me.

111
00:05:52,291 --> 00:05:54,083
-What?
-(ELECTRONIC WHIRRING)

112
00:05:54,166 --> 00:05:56,166
(IRON LEGION BEEPS)

113
00:05:58,500 --> 00:06:01,541
(LAUGHS) Knock 'em dead, Johnny Fives.

114
00:06:01,916 --> 00:06:04,500
(SINGING)
Good Queen Darcy last looked down

115
00:06:04,583 --> 00:06:08,750
On the feast of Steve Rogers
When the snow lay on...

116
00:06:08,833 --> 00:06:11,416
-(GRUNTS) "Eagle-1."
-(ELEVATOR DINGS)

117
00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:13,000
Whoa.

118
00:06:13,500 --> 00:06:15,416
-HAMMER: Okay, boys.
-Hammer?

119
00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:19,291
Behind these doors is
a gamma-radiated antigen serum.

120
00:06:19,375 --> 00:06:20,375
Hulk blood.

121
00:06:20,458 --> 00:06:22,958
-The amniotic fluid, so to speak...
-Gross.

122
00:06:23,041 --> 00:06:26,666
...that will birth the next superhero. Me.

123
00:06:26,750 --> 00:06:28,791
I'm already smarter than 10 Tony Starks

124
00:06:28,875 --> 00:06:32,250
and pretty soon I'll be stronger
than 12 Captain Americas.

125
00:06:32,333 --> 00:06:34,583
(LAUGHS) So, let's get cracking.

126
00:06:34,666 --> 00:06:35,916
No problems.

127
00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:37,541
Dude, come on. What is this?

128
00:06:37,625 --> 00:06:39,125
You said you were a safecracker.

129
00:06:39,208 --> 00:06:41,041
Yes, and now I crack safe.

130
00:06:42,458 --> 00:06:45,791
(GROANS) I knew I should have gone
with the Sokovian team.

131
00:06:45,875 --> 00:06:47,291
Hill. Hill, come in.

132
00:06:47,375 --> 00:06:50,583
-We got three hostiles in Tony's lab.
-You'd think they'd raid the armory first.

133
00:06:50,666 --> 00:06:52,625
Tony's been messing around
with Banner's blood,

134
00:06:52,708 --> 00:06:55,583
seeing if he can be the Hulk
without the anger management issues.

135
00:06:55,666 --> 00:06:57,166
-Was he successful?
-It's a process.

136
00:06:57,250 --> 00:06:58,250
HAMMER: I'm gonna head up.

137
00:06:58,333 --> 00:07:01,500
Oh, oh, that's not good. Okay, okay.

138
00:07:01,583 --> 00:07:04,000
Call me when you get the good stuff.

139
00:07:04,083 --> 00:07:07,208
Time for me to go
and sit on Tony's throne.

140
00:07:07,291 --> 00:07:10,000
-I'm not gonna flush, if you get my drift.
-HOGAN: Oh.

141
00:07:10,083 --> 00:07:12,416
Yeah, it's Hammer.
He's heading for Tony's bathroom.

142
00:07:12,500 --> 00:07:13,500
Oh.

143
00:07:13,583 --> 00:07:16,291
-HILL: Hogan, can you secure the samples?
-Yes. I think I have a way in.

144
00:07:16,375 --> 00:07:18,208
Good. 'Cause I've got Hammer.

145
00:07:20,958 --> 00:07:22,625
(GRUNTS) Right in the jingle bells.

146
00:07:22,708 --> 00:07:24,291
Ah! Ah! Whoa!

147
00:07:25,250 --> 00:07:26,583
(SIGHS) Jesus.

148
00:07:26,666 --> 00:07:29,291
"Throw a holiday party.
It'll be fun," Tony said.

149
00:07:29,375 --> 00:07:30,625
"What could go wrong?"

150
00:07:30,708 --> 00:07:33,750
I told them the air vent would be
a security issue, but (CHUCKLES) no.

151
00:07:33,833 --> 00:07:35,500
Nobody listens to Happy.

152
00:07:36,125 --> 00:07:37,833
(UPBEAT SONG PLAYING)

153
00:07:41,750 --> 00:07:42,750
Mmm.

154
00:07:44,750 --> 00:07:47,291
Look at this bar! Oh, my goodness!

155
00:07:47,375 --> 00:07:48,416
I love it!

156
00:07:49,666 --> 00:07:50,958
-(GUNSHOT)
-(MUSIC STOPS)

157
00:07:51,041 --> 00:07:52,625
Hands where I can see them, Hammer.

158
00:07:52,708 --> 00:07:54,250
Now surrender peacefully.

159
00:07:54,333 --> 00:07:55,541
(LAUGHS)

160
00:07:55,625 --> 00:07:58,625
Oh, the day you've been dreading
has finally come.

161
00:07:58,708 --> 00:08:00,625
The day that you face off

162
00:08:00,708 --> 00:08:03,208
against Tony Stark's greatest adversary.

163
00:08:03,291 --> 00:08:06,375
"Greatest adversary"?
What are you, a wealth tax?

164
00:08:06,458 --> 00:08:07,625
(GRUNTS)

165
00:08:07,708 --> 00:08:09,125
(SIGHS) Nothing?

166
00:08:09,208 --> 00:08:10,625
Your technique is off.

167
00:08:10,708 --> 00:08:12,583
More strength in back.

168
00:08:12,666 --> 00:08:15,041
Less arms, more hips.

169
00:08:17,333 --> 00:08:18,875
RUSTAM: Da, da, da. I get it now.

170
00:08:21,958 --> 00:08:23,541
Okay, let's take a look.

171
00:08:25,291 --> 00:08:27,541
Where is it? Hulk blood, Hulk blood.

172
00:08:28,208 --> 00:08:30,250
Hulk blood. Hulk blood.

173
00:08:30,333 --> 00:08:32,000
Okay, just where is...

174
00:08:32,083 --> 00:08:33,833
Think... A little vial.

175
00:08:34,541 --> 00:08:36,541
Happy, find the Hulk blood,
find the Hulk... No!

176
00:08:37,625 --> 00:08:39,166
(GRUNTS)

177
00:08:39,250 --> 00:08:41,000
Hey, hey, hey. Did you hear that?

178
00:08:41,083 --> 00:08:42,083
(GRUNTS)

179
00:08:46,333 --> 00:08:49,375
-(WHISPERS) Oh, got it. (SIGHS)
-(RADIO STATIC)

180
00:08:49,458 --> 00:08:51,291
-(SHUSHES) Stop.
-HAMMER: Your little jokes won't do

181
00:08:51,375 --> 00:08:53,333
much good
against the master of tae kwon do,

182
00:08:53,416 --> 00:08:55,250
-jiujitsu and Muay Thai.
-Switch the channel.

183
00:08:57,416 --> 00:08:58,416
That's right.

184
00:08:58,500 --> 00:09:01,208
-I learned prison-fighting techniques.
-Oh, God.

185
00:09:01,291 --> 00:09:03,041
All on the prison yard.

186
00:09:03,125 --> 00:09:05,291
Hmm, maybe a rat.

187
00:09:05,375 --> 00:09:08,000
You know what the most
important thing I learned in lockup is?

188
00:09:08,083 --> 00:09:09,083
Enlighten me.

189
00:09:09,166 --> 00:09:11,375
Cheating is for winners.

190
00:09:11,458 --> 00:09:13,250
-(EXPLOSION)
-(GRUNTS)

191
00:09:14,500 --> 00:09:15,541
No, Maria!

192
00:09:15,625 --> 00:09:17,583
-(METAL CLANGS)
-Oh, whoa. (SCREAMS)

193
00:09:17,666 --> 00:09:19,166
(GRUNTS)

194
00:09:20,708 --> 00:09:23,666
Be a shadow.
Be a shadow. Be a loose shadow.

195
00:09:27,208 --> 00:09:28,208
(SIGHS)

196
00:09:28,291 --> 00:09:29,416
You guys can see me, right?

197
00:09:29,500 --> 00:09:30,791
Da, we see you.

198
00:09:30,875 --> 00:09:33,166
Boss, we have security guard.

199
00:09:33,250 --> 00:09:36,333
Clever. You thought you
could distract the Hammer?

200
00:09:37,416 --> 00:09:40,166
-SERGEI: Hey! Get back here.
-Hulk blood. I just need the Hulk blood.

201
00:09:40,250 --> 00:09:42,333
Where will you run? (LAUGHS)

202
00:09:42,416 --> 00:09:45,208
Come on. What's a guy gotta do
to find an epidural of Banner blood?

203
00:09:45,291 --> 00:09:46,500
Hulk... Huh?

204
00:09:46,791 --> 00:09:48,000
A confetti arrow?

205
00:09:48,083 --> 00:09:51,416
Come on, Tony. You booking Hawkeye out
for birthday parties now?

206
00:09:51,500 --> 00:09:54,000
Hulk blood! Oh, yes! Bingo!

207
00:09:55,333 --> 00:09:58,166
All right. (SIGHS) I should definitely
be getting hazard pay for this.

208
00:09:58,416 --> 00:09:59,625
-(GUNSHOTS)
-(YELLS)

209
00:10:00,958 --> 00:10:02,250
Whoa! (YELLS)

210
00:10:02,333 --> 00:10:04,333
No! Why'd it do that?

211
00:10:05,083 --> 00:10:06,583
Step aside, my little elves.

212
00:10:06,666 --> 00:10:07,958
(GRUNTS)

213
00:10:09,125 --> 00:10:10,458
(GROANS)

214
00:10:11,750 --> 00:10:12,958
Oh, that's not good.

215
00:10:16,333 --> 00:10:17,500
Oh, that's not good.

216
00:10:17,583 --> 00:10:18,666
(CHUCKLES) Hammer.

217
00:10:19,625 --> 00:10:21,708
Shoot him with all you've got.

218
00:10:22,083 --> 00:10:24,041
Whoa! (GRUNTS)

219
00:10:24,125 --> 00:10:26,291
-RUSTAM: There, there, there. Let's go.
-Hey! Get back here!

220
00:10:26,375 --> 00:10:28,250
Oh, yeah, the things you learn
working for a mad,

221
00:10:28,333 --> 00:10:30,208
over-caffeinated scientist. Incoming!

222
00:10:31,250 --> 00:10:32,666
(COUGHING)

223
00:10:36,083 --> 00:10:39,500
Hey, stop, stop! Stop!
You're gonna destroy the Hulk blood.

224
00:10:39,583 --> 00:10:40,833
What's the matter with you?

225
00:10:42,333 --> 00:10:43,875
(SIGHS) Oh, that's useful.

226
00:10:44,416 --> 00:10:47,083
Screw what I said. Just get him. Now.

227
00:10:47,166 --> 00:10:49,166
Happy. Oh, my leg is broken.

228
00:10:49,250 --> 00:10:51,958
Yeah, that's okay. I might have
enough leg for the both of us.

229
00:10:52,041 --> 00:10:54,083
Happy? Look, I'm counting on you.

230
00:10:54,166 --> 00:10:57,041
Is that him?
Is that the fly in my super serum?

231
00:10:57,125 --> 00:10:59,416
-Stop Hammer. Save the tower.
-(RADIO STATIC)

232
00:10:59,500 --> 00:11:01,333
Maria! Maria!

233
00:11:01,416 --> 00:11:05,041
Oh, you got a big box of coal
coming your way, missy.

234
00:11:05,125 --> 00:11:08,875
Cuff her. I'm sick of this chick
roasting my chestnuts.

235
00:11:10,708 --> 00:11:14,625
Okay, it's all on me now.
It's all on me now.

236
00:11:14,708 --> 00:11:17,625
Oh, it's all on me now. (SIGHS)

237
00:11:31,916 --> 00:11:35,875
Okay, yes, there's no "I" in team.
There's no "I" in team!

238
00:11:35,958 --> 00:11:37,416
-What? No, no, no!
-(CLOTHES TEARING)

239
00:11:37,500 --> 00:11:39,000
(SCREAMS)

240
00:11:39,083 --> 00:11:41,458
-(PHONE VIBRATING)
-(MUSIC PLAYING)

241
00:11:43,083 --> 00:11:46,291
-Romanoff. Happy, not a great time.
-HOGAN: Natasha? Natasha!

242
00:11:46,375 --> 00:11:50,458
I'm being held at gunpoint by
a former HYDRA agent with 17 kills.

243
00:11:50,541 --> 00:11:52,625
Eighteen kills. You forgot Nigeria.

244
00:11:52,708 --> 00:11:54,291
Oh, that was you? Show off.

245
00:11:54,375 --> 00:11:56,791
Uh... You want me to get you help?

246
00:11:56,875 --> 00:11:58,750
Oh, no, I've got this.
See you at the party.

247
00:11:58,833 --> 00:12:02,000
-(GUNSHOTS)
-Yeah, she'll be fine.

248
00:12:02,083 --> 00:12:04,166
-(LINE RINGING)
-Okay, Tony. Pick up, Tony, please.

249
00:12:04,250 --> 00:12:07,625
Perfect timing. Happy, can you tell
Timmy here that a replica Cap shield

250
00:12:07,708 --> 00:12:09,375
is nothing but a patriotic Frisbee?

251
00:12:09,458 --> 00:12:10,875
-Tony, it's an emergency!
-Whoa!

252
00:12:10,958 --> 00:12:13,458
Trouble here, too. Soccer moms
are cornering Cap. Gotta go.

253
00:12:13,541 --> 00:12:15,208
-Tony. Tony!
-(CLOTHES TEARING)

254
00:12:15,291 --> 00:12:17,166
(GROANS)

255
00:12:17,250 --> 00:12:18,583
-Okay.
-(LINE RINGING)

256
00:12:18,666 --> 00:12:20,291
Come on.
Answer the phone, answer the phone.

257
00:12:20,375 --> 00:12:21,750
(GIRL SCREAMING)

258
00:12:21,833 --> 00:12:23,708
-Hello. What? What? Hold on a sec.
-(CLAMORING)

259
00:12:23,791 --> 00:12:26,833
Clint, think we need to wrap this up.
Sun's getting real low, pal.

260
00:12:26,916 --> 00:12:29,291
Like, super winter solstice kind of low.

261
00:12:29,375 --> 00:12:30,375
Banner, Banner!

262
00:12:30,458 --> 00:12:32,041
-I'm sorry. It's the last one.
-Banner!

263
00:12:32,125 --> 00:12:33,375
Clint, just give her the toy!

264
00:12:33,458 --> 00:12:35,291
-BARTON: No can do.
-Come on. Just let her have it.

265
00:12:35,375 --> 00:12:38,708
The wife says, "Bring home this toy
or don't come home at all."

266
00:12:38,791 --> 00:12:40,875
-Damn it. Clint, just...
-Let her have it!

267
00:12:41,541 --> 00:12:42,541
Oh.

268
00:12:43,541 --> 00:12:44,875
Yeah!

269
00:12:46,041 --> 00:12:47,958
Oh, yeah!

270
00:12:48,458 --> 00:12:51,500
DARCY: Start pouring the Shirley Temples,
big guy. I got your cherries.

271
00:12:51,583 --> 00:12:53,875
Sparrow-1, this is Puffin-2.

272
00:12:53,958 --> 00:12:56,708
Do you copy? We got a code red.

273
00:12:56,791 --> 00:12:58,708
The tower's been overtaken by terrorists.

274
00:12:58,791 --> 00:13:01,125
Terrorists on Christmas?
What is this? Con Air?

275
00:13:01,208 --> 00:13:04,458
No, wait. Under Siege? No, no, no.
That's not it. Wait. I know this one.

276
00:13:04,541 --> 00:13:06,625
Uh, walking my mental Blockbuster aisle.

277
00:13:06,708 --> 00:13:08,125
Hey, John McClane, focus.

278
00:13:08,208 --> 00:13:11,458
Every weapon, every suit
is currently under Hammer's control.

279
00:13:11,541 --> 00:13:12,791
What are you calling me for?

280
00:13:12,875 --> 00:13:15,500
Tell JARVIS to dial up
the army or the Avengers.

281
00:13:15,583 --> 00:13:17,291
(GASPS) Or that scary dude
with the eye-patch.

282
00:13:17,375 --> 00:13:20,458
JARVIS is offline defragging.
It's how they were able to...

283
00:13:20,541 --> 00:13:22,083
Darcy, you're a genius.

284
00:13:22,166 --> 00:13:25,750
Thanks. I have been in college
for the better part of a decade.

285
00:13:25,833 --> 00:13:27,375
Not to brag. But what did I say?

286
00:13:27,458 --> 00:13:29,500
JARVIS has a mainframe
in the sub-basement.

287
00:13:29,583 --> 00:13:32,708
If we bring JARVIS back online,
we can take control of the building

288
00:13:32,791 --> 00:13:33,875
and everything inside it.

289
00:13:33,958 --> 00:13:37,250
Puffin-2, are you asking me to be
your Reginald VelJohnson?

290
00:13:37,333 --> 00:13:40,041
Reginald VelJohnson?
That's what you remember from the movie?

291
00:13:40,125 --> 00:13:41,125
Oh, damn.

292
00:13:44,458 --> 00:13:45,708
Eh...

293
00:13:46,750 --> 00:13:48,416
You guys can see me, right?

294
00:13:50,083 --> 00:13:51,916
-(GUNS FIRING)
-Uh...

295
00:13:55,416 --> 00:13:56,625
(PANTS)

296
00:13:56,708 --> 00:13:59,375
Okay. Okay, okay. Okay. Okay.

297
00:14:00,250 --> 00:14:01,666
-Oh, okay.
-SERGEI: Hey!

298
00:14:02,166 --> 00:14:03,166
Hmm.

299
00:14:05,583 --> 00:14:06,958
(GRUNTS)

300
00:14:07,500 --> 00:14:09,875
Guess the only way out is out!

301
00:14:15,291 --> 00:14:17,750
Holy... (SCREAMS)

302
00:14:20,625 --> 00:14:22,250
(CRIES)

303
00:14:24,750 --> 00:14:26,916
(GRUNTING)

304
00:14:27,875 --> 00:14:28,958
(GROANING)

305
00:14:34,958 --> 00:14:36,000
(ROARS)

306
00:14:47,083 --> 00:14:49,541
(GROANING)

307
00:14:49,625 --> 00:14:51,000
(LAUGHS)

308
00:14:51,083 --> 00:14:53,916
See that?
I got Hulk blood pumping through me.

309
00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:56,166
Might as well try it on for size.

310
00:14:58,666 --> 00:15:00,625
-(METAL CLANGING)
-Wait, wait. Do you hear that?

311
00:15:00,708 --> 00:15:01,958
Go, go, go.

312
00:15:02,750 --> 00:15:04,583
Broke that damn chain pretty good.

313
00:15:04,666 --> 00:15:07,583
What about the short fuse?
Can't have a temper tantrum.

314
00:15:07,666 --> 00:15:09,375
Be calm. Breathe.

315
00:15:09,458 --> 00:15:10,791
That's supposed to help, right?

316
00:15:10,875 --> 00:15:12,458
(INHALES SHARPLY, EXHALES)

317
00:15:12,541 --> 00:15:15,250
DARCY: 10-9, Puffin-2.
Everything okay there, boss?

318
00:15:15,333 --> 00:15:17,958
'Cause you sound a little Darth Vader-y.

319
00:15:18,041 --> 00:15:20,125
HOGAN: I just need a minute.
I'm going through some stuff.

320
00:15:20,208 --> 00:15:23,083
Can't believe the whole building
runs off this one dinky box.

321
00:15:23,166 --> 00:15:25,750
My next internship should
totally be at WikiLeaks,

322
00:15:25,833 --> 00:15:28,666
'cause I've got this whole
hacking thing... Oh, no.

323
00:15:31,500 --> 00:15:33,083
Whoa!

324
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:36,208
A secret room!

325
00:15:36,291 --> 00:15:38,458
You thought the doorknob
was the mainframe?

326
00:15:38,541 --> 00:15:41,500
Anyone would.
This is like Narnia for dorks.

327
00:15:41,583 --> 00:15:44,458
There should be a backup JARVIS AI
in the sub-basement.

328
00:15:44,541 --> 00:15:47,666
Boss, he has someone else on the inside.
In the sub-basement.

329
00:15:47,750 --> 00:15:50,416
Wait. I got a better idea.
Get back to the penthouse.

330
00:15:50,500 --> 00:15:53,708
It's better to make them
come to the Hammer.

331
00:15:53,791 --> 00:15:56,416
All right. Here we go, boss.
We got a Friday,

332
00:15:56,500 --> 00:16:00,208
a W.A.D.S.W.O.R.T.H., an E.D.I.T.H. 1.0.
Gosh, sounds like a BBC mystery.

333
00:16:00,291 --> 00:16:01,666
HOGAN: Darcy, just pick one!

334
00:16:01,750 --> 00:16:03,666
Wunderbar! Werner it is.

335
00:16:03,750 --> 00:16:05,375
-(EXPLOSION)
-Whoa! (GASPS)

336
00:16:05,458 --> 00:16:07,458
Darcy? Darcy, do you copy?

337
00:16:08,250 --> 00:16:12,416
Oh, fine. Come in, Sparrow-1.
This is Puffin-2. Do you copy?

338
00:16:12,791 --> 00:16:14,541
-(RADIO STATIC)
-HAMMER: Is this on?

339
00:16:14,625 --> 00:16:19,500
The only difference between
a hero and a villain is good PR.

340
00:16:19,583 --> 00:16:22,625
You see, redemption in this country,
it isn't about penance.

341
00:16:22,708 --> 00:16:24,375
No, it's about rebranding,

342
00:16:24,458 --> 00:16:27,250
and that Hulk blood
was gonna be my chance.

343
00:16:27,333 --> 00:16:30,833
And then you stole it from me,
Happy Hogan. But don't worry.

344
00:16:30,916 --> 00:16:34,791
I will reverse-engineer it
after I dissect your twitching corpse.

345
00:16:34,875 --> 00:16:36,291
Don't let him spook you, Happy.

346
00:16:36,375 --> 00:16:39,375
That's right. Ho-Ho-Hogan,
I got your girl Friday,

347
00:16:39,458 --> 00:16:41,250
but all I want for Christmas is you.

348
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:44,541
Oh-ho! Gotta admit that's some
solid holiday word play.

349
00:16:44,625 --> 00:16:46,875
Hey, thanks. Penthouse. Five minutes.

350
00:16:46,958 --> 00:16:48,791
Or your intern gets a bullet from Santa.

351
00:16:48,875 --> 00:16:51,000
(COUGHS) But I'm adorable.

352
00:16:51,083 --> 00:16:54,708
HAMMER: Oh, and, Happy, do us all a favor.
Don't be a hero.

353
00:16:54,791 --> 00:16:57,375
Turn the elevator on. I'm coming up.

354
00:17:00,375 --> 00:17:02,083
All right. Let's see what we got here.

355
00:17:02,166 --> 00:17:06,041
Given the weight, no sound,
I'm guessing it's a Rolex watch?

356
00:17:06,125 --> 00:17:11,041
(CHUCKLES) Oh, my goodness.
The billionaire got Captain America socks.

357
00:17:11,125 --> 00:17:14,708
Wow, the press lied.
These two really do not get along.

358
00:17:14,791 --> 00:17:17,083
Quality socks can be excellent gift.

359
00:17:17,166 --> 00:17:18,166
(ELEVATOR DINGS)

360
00:17:19,708 --> 00:17:21,708
Hey, Happy, here to borrow a cup of sugar?

361
00:17:21,791 --> 00:17:23,083
Light him up, fellas.

362
00:17:23,875 --> 00:17:25,083
Happy, no!

363
00:17:27,833 --> 00:17:29,125
-(LOUD THUD)
-Oh!

364
00:17:29,208 --> 00:17:31,375
So, give us some figgy pudding!

365
00:17:31,458 --> 00:17:32,958
(LAUGHS)

366
00:17:33,083 --> 00:17:35,041
Wha-- "Let it snow?"

367
00:17:35,125 --> 00:17:36,833
Oh, sugar cookies.

368
00:17:36,916 --> 00:17:38,333
-(EXPLOSION)
-(GRUNTS)

369
00:17:38,416 --> 00:17:39,583
(HOGAN ROARS)

370
00:17:39,666 --> 00:17:41,500
-What the hell is that?
-(LOUD CRASH)

371
00:17:41,583 --> 00:17:43,083
DARCY: Earthquake? Is it an earthquake?

372
00:17:43,791 --> 00:17:45,541
(ROARING)

373
00:17:49,166 --> 00:17:51,041
(ROARS)

374
00:17:51,125 --> 00:17:52,875
I think that's Happy Hogan.

375
00:17:53,750 --> 00:17:54,750
(GRUNTS)

376
00:17:54,833 --> 00:17:56,250
(LAUGHS)

377
00:17:59,416 --> 00:18:02,000
Uh, hello? Giant freak on the loose.

378
00:18:02,083 --> 00:18:04,291
What the hell do you think I pay you for?

379
00:18:04,375 --> 00:18:05,416
Not this.

380
00:18:05,500 --> 00:18:09,416
(SIGHS) Come on, come on. Yoga room.
Karaoke studio. Really?

381
00:18:09,500 --> 00:18:11,333
Avengers armory. Bingo!

382
00:18:14,250 --> 00:18:15,250
(GROWLS)

383
00:18:15,333 --> 00:18:16,333
Uh...

384
00:18:17,166 --> 00:18:19,000
-(GRUNTS)
-(METAL CLANGS)

385
00:18:19,541 --> 00:18:22,125
Wow. Your neck is thicker than Thor's.

386
00:18:22,208 --> 00:18:24,291
Crazy, right?
And the party hasn't even started.

387
00:18:25,291 --> 00:18:26,916
Look, if we can reboot JARVIS...

388
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:28,958
Already on it, Sparrow-1.

389
00:18:29,041 --> 00:18:31,500
You said you were counting on me.
That means something.

390
00:18:31,583 --> 00:18:32,875
Hammer's heading to the armory.

391
00:18:32,958 --> 00:18:35,916
I'll handle him. You guys get to work
on the JARVIS reboot.

392
00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:39,416
It's time for that Hammer to get nailed.

393
00:18:39,958 --> 00:18:42,291
Hammer! Hammer!

394
00:18:43,583 --> 00:18:44,583
Oh.

395
00:18:48,583 --> 00:18:49,708
(LAUGHS)

396
00:18:51,416 --> 00:18:53,458
(GROWLING)

397
00:19:01,041 --> 00:19:02,541
(ROARS)

398
00:19:23,291 --> 00:19:25,750
(PANTING)

399
00:19:25,833 --> 00:19:27,541
(GROWLS)

400
00:19:32,041 --> 00:19:36,166
You lost, Hammer. And there's
not gonna be a Christmas miracle.

401
00:19:36,250 --> 00:19:39,208
Oh, famous last words, Hulk Hogan.

402
00:19:41,500 --> 00:19:42,875
(RUMBLING)

403
00:19:42,958 --> 00:19:45,125
DARCY: (GASPS) Oh, my God! It's Santa!

404
00:19:45,208 --> 00:19:46,458
He's real.

405
00:19:46,833 --> 00:19:48,208
(BOOMING)

406
00:19:50,416 --> 00:19:52,666
(METAL CLANGING)

407
00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:58,666
I'm Santa Claus, baby.

408
00:19:59,708 --> 00:20:02,666
-(RUMBLING)
-Hammer's taken control of the Hulkbuster.

409
00:20:02,750 --> 00:20:05,791
We need to gain control of the suit, now.
Upload JARVIS.

410
00:20:05,875 --> 00:20:07,750
Not JARVIS, but German.

411
00:20:09,625 --> 00:20:12,083
This is the worst internship ever.

412
00:20:12,166 --> 00:20:13,541
(ELECTRONIC WHIRRING)

413
00:20:13,625 --> 00:20:14,916
(GRUNTS)

414
00:20:17,041 --> 00:20:18,791
HAMMER: Come on, Happy.
Don't be like that.

415
00:20:18,875 --> 00:20:20,958
Let's make it quick.
I just need a little slice.

416
00:20:21,041 --> 00:20:22,250
Oh, you'll get a piece of me.

417
00:20:30,791 --> 00:20:34,708
There's no way that Stark is paying you
enough to deal with the Hammer.

418
00:20:38,875 --> 00:20:40,833
Hey, what are you doing?

419
00:20:42,500 --> 00:20:43,500
Nothing?

420
00:20:44,291 --> 00:20:45,708
(KEYBOARD CLACKING)

421
00:20:47,333 --> 00:20:49,625
Oh, yeah! Best boss ever.

422
00:20:49,708 --> 00:20:50,750
Oh, Darcy, really?

423
00:20:50,833 --> 00:20:54,500
Oh, that means a lot coming from, well,
someone who's had just so many bosses.

424
00:20:54,583 --> 00:20:56,083
(GRUNTS)

425
00:20:59,041 --> 00:21:00,083
(BEEPING)

426
00:21:00,166 --> 00:21:01,500
Oh, it's frozen. We're locked out.

427
00:21:01,583 --> 00:21:04,250
Damn you, pinwheel of death.
Quick. Control-Alt-Delete.

428
00:21:05,666 --> 00:21:07,083
Huh? That actually worked.

429
00:21:07,166 --> 00:21:11,291
A little trick I picked up interning
for the Culver University IT department.

430
00:21:11,375 --> 00:21:14,000
-Have you ever had an actual paying job?
-Nope.

431
00:21:19,583 --> 00:21:21,541
(ELECTRONIC WHIRRING)

432
00:21:25,250 --> 00:21:26,333
W.E.R.N.E.R: Guten tag.

433
00:21:26,416 --> 00:21:29,791
Yes. All right, we're up. Disengage
the Veronica Hulkbuster Protocol.

434
00:21:29,875 --> 00:21:35,125
In the beginning, men controlled machines.
Now, machines control the fate of men.

435
00:21:35,208 --> 00:21:36,291
(GRUNTS)

436
00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:40,125
Yeah, okay, right.
Are you calling the Avengers?

437
00:21:40,208 --> 00:21:42,666
W.E.R.N.E.R: As they say in German, no.

438
00:21:44,541 --> 00:21:47,666
What the hell is this program?
Siri for nihilists?

439
00:21:47,750 --> 00:21:48,791
It sounds like my dad.

440
00:21:48,875 --> 00:21:50,666
Happy, you're on your own.

441
00:21:53,125 --> 00:21:54,125
(GROWLS)

442
00:21:54,208 --> 00:21:59,791
HAMMER: Here's some Muay Thai,
jiujitsu, tae kwon do!

443
00:22:03,541 --> 00:22:04,708
(GROWLS)

444
00:22:04,791 --> 00:22:06,958
(SIGHS) Know when you're beat, freak.

445
00:22:07,041 --> 00:22:08,916
-(GROWLS)
-What?

446
00:22:09,833 --> 00:22:11,333
(GROWLING)

447
00:22:14,041 --> 00:22:15,375
(SCREAMING)

448
00:22:22,875 --> 00:22:24,166
(ROARING)

449
00:22:24,250 --> 00:22:27,458
Son of a nutcracker.
That monster is eating my suit!

450
00:22:30,250 --> 00:22:31,250
Huh?

451
00:22:34,750 --> 00:22:35,750
(GRUNTS)

452
00:22:35,833 --> 00:22:38,208
-(GROWLING)
-Bruce, a little help.

453
00:22:38,291 --> 00:22:40,000
No, you guys got this.

454
00:22:40,083 --> 00:22:41,291
(GRUNTS)

455
00:22:43,375 --> 00:22:44,750
(GRUNTS)

456
00:22:44,875 --> 00:22:46,791
-IRON MAN: Where's Thor?
-(ROARING)

457
00:22:46,875 --> 00:22:48,083
Is that Happy?

458
00:22:48,166 --> 00:22:49,208
Um, no.

459
00:22:49,958 --> 00:22:51,875
ROMANOFF: What is this thing? (GRUNTS)

460
00:22:53,291 --> 00:22:55,166
-(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
-(ROARS)

461
00:22:55,250 --> 00:22:57,416
No, no, no. He's on the guest list.

462
00:22:57,500 --> 00:23:00,041
Repeat, he is on the guest list.

463
00:23:00,125 --> 00:23:01,250
(ELECTRONIC BUZZING)

464
00:23:01,333 --> 00:23:04,125
(GROANS) Natasha! It's me.

465
00:23:04,833 --> 00:23:06,458
Oh, my God. Happy?

466
00:23:06,541 --> 00:23:07,625
(CHUCKLES) I was right.

467
00:23:07,708 --> 00:23:12,000
This is the good guy, that is the bad guy.

468
00:23:12,875 --> 00:23:13,958
(HAMMER CHUCKLES)

469
00:23:14,041 --> 00:23:15,791
IRON MAN: What are you doing with my suit?

470
00:23:15,875 --> 00:23:17,291
HAMMER: Uh, nothing?

471
00:23:18,083 --> 00:23:19,083
(BEEPS)

472
00:23:19,166 --> 00:23:20,916
(METAL CLANGING)

473
00:23:21,833 --> 00:23:22,833
Um...

474
00:23:22,916 --> 00:23:24,375
(ROARS)

475
00:23:24,458 --> 00:23:26,458
(SCREAMING)

476
00:23:34,166 --> 00:23:35,916
(SCREAMING)

477
00:23:40,041 --> 00:23:42,166
You saved me. Why?

478
00:23:42,250 --> 00:23:44,875
It's Christmas, Hammer.
Goodwill towards men.

479
00:23:44,958 --> 00:23:46,625
(PANTS) Even the bad ones.

480
00:23:46,708 --> 00:23:47,708
Huh. (SCREAMS)

481
00:23:48,750 --> 00:23:49,833
(GRUNTS)

482
00:23:52,333 --> 00:23:55,416
I'm sorry about the party, Tony.
I'm sure insurance will cover most of it.

483
00:23:55,500 --> 00:23:58,500
Are you kidding? You're the only
insurance policy I'll ever need.

484
00:23:58,583 --> 00:24:01,041
Ah, thanks, Tony. Wait.
You do have a cure, don't you?

485
00:24:01,125 --> 00:24:02,375
I'm not stuck this way, right?

486
00:24:02,458 --> 00:24:04,083
(LAUGHS)

487
00:24:04,166 --> 00:24:07,166
My head of security, everybody.
How about this guy, right?

488
00:24:07,250 --> 00:24:08,666
-Yeah, Happy.
-Good job, Happy.

489
00:24:08,750 --> 00:24:10,416
-Crushed it, man.
-Bah, humbug.

490
00:24:10,500 --> 00:24:13,583
THE WATCHER: As for how the rest of
this holiday tale goes,

491
00:24:13,666 --> 00:24:18,583
the tower was safe and secure,
still decked in holly and bows,

492
00:24:18,666 --> 00:24:21,666
when Tony Stark to his team
gave a whistle.

493
00:24:21,750 --> 00:24:23,958
IRON MAN: I think
I speak for everyone when I say

494
00:24:24,041 --> 00:24:25,291
some food would be beneficial.

495
00:24:25,375 --> 00:24:29,333
HOGAN: My appetite is raging. I can eat
an actual fruitcake after that fight.

496
00:24:29,416 --> 00:24:33,208
THE WATCHER: But I heard a voice say
as the heroes vanished from sight...

497
00:24:33,291 --> 00:24:36,000
"Merry Christmas to all and to all a..."

498
00:24:36,833 --> 00:24:37,833
Guys?

499
00:24:38,291 --> 00:24:39,666
Oh, I missed the party.

500
00:24:39,750 --> 00:24:41,375
(LAUGHS)

501
00:24:41,458 --> 00:24:44,166
"To all, a good night."

502
00:24:45,333 --> 00:24:48,541
We wish you a merry Christmas

503
00:24:48,625 --> 00:24:51,583
We wish you a merry Christmas

504
00:24:51,666 --> 00:24:58,000
We wish you a merry Christmas
and a happy new year

505
00:24:58,083 --> 00:25:01,000
We wish you a merry Christmas

506
00:25:01,083 --> 00:25:04,333
We wish you a merry Christmas

507
00:25:04,416 --> 00:25:10,875
We wish you a merry Christmas
and a happy new year

508
00:25:10,958 --> 00:25:17,083
Glad tidings we bring to you and your kin

509
00:25:17,166 --> 00:25:23,208
Glad tidings at Christmas
and a happy new year

510
00:25:23,291 --> 00:25:25,416
We wish you a swinging Christmas

511
00:25:27,583 --> 00:25:29,791
We wish you a crazy Christmas

512
00:25:29,875 --> 00:25:35,666
We wish you a naughty Christmas
and a frantic new year

513
00:26:01,375 --> 00:26:02,458
Yeah

514
00:26:28,625 --> 00:26:29,916
DARCY: All right.

515
00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:32,625
(SINGING)
Good Queen Darcy last looked down

516
00:26:32,708 --> 00:26:35,125
On the feast of Steve Rogers

517
00:26:35,208 --> 00:26:37,666
When the snow lay on the ground

518
00:26:37,750 --> 00:26:40,208
Something, something, something

519
00:26:40,291 --> 00:26:45,041
Thor has a giant neck
It is full of muscles

520
00:26:45,125 --> 00:26:51,291
He's just a little schmoopy noodle
Going through the cosmos

521
00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:53,833
(LAUGHS)

522
00:26:53,916 --> 00:26:57,791
Happy Holidays!
Make up dumb songs for money.