[eerie music playing]
[dramatic music playing]
[helicopter blades whirring]
Where are you taking me?
[female over intercom] Fimbra Control, Alouette 5 is in range.
Apply the blindfold, please.
Blindfold?
Hell, no! No way!
This enforced incarceration is unsanctioned, unwarranted,
and unconstitutional!
-What the fuck are you doing? -[system dings]
[engine accelerates]
Ah!
Who is flying this thing?
Fimbra Control, remote landing sequence has begun.
[dramatic music playing]
[system beeps]
[helicopter blades whirring]
[system dings]
Hey, hey, man! Hey!
[helicopter powers down]
Where are you taking me?
[gentle heroic music playing]
[doors close]
[soft chanting]
[splutters]
What is this?
[man] In due time, Professor Clark.
No, the time is due. Now is the due time. Are you gonna kill me?
I'm not scared or nothing. I'm just curious.
[man 2] Well, according to the world, Professor Clark,
you're already dead.
[all chuckling]
Who are you?
[in Australian accent] Bruce Baldwin.
[in New York accent] Shep Gordon.
[in Russian accent] I am the one they call Mishu.
[in British accent] And I am Lord Lordington.
Together, we are…
[all] The Pentaverate.
[upbeat music playing]
[narrator] In 1347, five learned men realized
that the black plague was caused by fleas on rats.
However, the Church believed the plague to be God's punishment,
labeling these five men heretics.
So they formed a benevolent secret society to influence world events, known as
The Pentaverate.
Throughout the centuries, there have been many secret organizations.
What makes the Pentaverate different?
They're nice.
[song fades out]
-[upbeat music playing] -[man] You're watching CACA Toronto.
Welcome back.
I'm Darleen Windelchuck.
Hard-hitting and breaking now,
nuclear physicist Professor Hobart Clark has died of an apparent broken neck.
Oakland Police say Clark died attempting the "kiss the star" challenge,
the latest Internet craze, where people are challenged to kiss their own anus.
Professor Clark was 57.
And finally, a report from Canada's own lovable Ken Scarborough.
Ken Scarborough here at the Toronto Sportsman Show.
There's plenty of things to do, whether you're into skeet-shooting…
-[gun fires] -[woman shrieks]
…or fly-fishing.
Over there's a 1,000-pound bull made entirely out of butter.
We asked some Torontonians what they thought of this year's Sportsman Show.
Hey, buddy, why don't you take off your clothes and bear with me?
[chuckles]
What's your favorite part about this year's Sportsman Show?
Oh my God, you're Ken Scarborough.
Yes, I am.
You're still alive?
I certainly am.
But you must be, like, 100 years old?
You're lucky I don't…
Not tonight, deer. I've got a headache!
[chuckles]
I haven't had this much fun since I was at a nudist colony
and accidentally backed into a meat thermometer.
But wherever you go at the Sportsman Show,
you're never too far from a couple of lovely ladies.
Ken Scarborough, CACA News.
[upbeat music playing]
From all of us at CACA Toronto News, good night, and do your best, eh?
[man] Up next, Canada's favorite quiz show, Close Enough,
where to win, you only have to be…
[man and audience] Close enough!
And we're clear!
[bell rings]
Nice job. See you tomorrow. Great job. See you tomorrow.
Mrs. Snee, what did you think of my piece tonight?
Ken, we should talk.
It's about time we talk about your future.
Could be a slow process.
Keep it just between us.
What are you saying, boss?
Good luck with the retirement, Ken.
Ah, jumpin' German Jesus, Darleen. I was working up to it!
Are you giving me the old heave-ho?
I don't wanna be a shit heel, Ken,
but man-on-the-street opinions come from Twitter now!
You're a nice guy. Jeez.
You've even been on the cover of Canadian Nice Magazine.
But this show needs big stories.
Hard-hitting news!
Hard-hitting?
Well, tomorrow, I'm covering the Canadian Conspiracy Convention.
You know? CanConCon.
You know, retirement would be the perfect time for you to travel.
I don't want to travel!
I want to stay right here in Toronto, giving voice to the common man.
Mrs. Snee,
this job is all I have left in the whole world.
Please,
give me one more chance.
Okay,
I'll give you one more shot. Jeez!
Oh, but, Ken… [sighs]
…if you can't come up with a hard-hitting piece,
I'm sorry.
[gasps] I'm sorry you're sorry, frankly.
If you're sorry, you're gonna make me sorry.
Sorry.
[door opens]
[woman humming]
Hey!
Aw, Darleen told me you're getting canceled, eh?
Yeah, telephone, telegraph, tell-Darleen.
Big mouth.
I can't believe it.
This job's all I've ever wanted to do.
Maybe you're destined for something greater.
I don't think I believe in that destiny junk.
I know we haven't worked together long, but I believe in you.
You're a good person. You're kind. The work you do matters.
You're my mentor.
[chuckles] Kind of remind me of my dad.
Aw, thanks.
Except you don't drink,
and you didn't leave my mom for some hosebag.
Okey dokey.
Let's go find a big story, eh? I know we can find it at CanConCon.
[sighs] I hope so, Reilly.
It's just this conspiracy theory stuff sounds like a load of balloon juice to me.
Ugh! Believe!
All right, I'm believing.
-[Reilly] Maybe we'll catch Bigfoot! -[Ken] That'd be nice.
Congratulations.
You've just been kidnapped
into the world's oldest and most effective secret society.
The Pentaverate.
I'm Rob Lowe.
Thank you.
[chuckles]
The Pentaverate is a benevolent, fully sequestered secret society
of five men, who, since 1347, have been experts in their fields.
Men like Leonardo da Vinci,
Jonas Salk,
and the Quaker Oats guy.
The current Pentaverate consists of Lord Lordington,
our highest-ranking member,
former Australian media mogul Bruce Baldwin,
ex-member of Putin's oligarchy Mishu Ivanov,
Alice Cooper's former manager, the legendary Shep Gordon,
and you.
We pay our respects to your predecessor, who died two days ago, Jason Eccleston,
the tech genius who invented our supercomputer, MENTOR.
A little bit about myself.
I'm in a polyamorous relationship with two life-sized companion dolls.
I also do up close sex magic.
I both read and masturbate to tarot.
God, is… is this for real?
I know what you're asking yourself. "Is this for real?"
The answer is, yes!
You may also be asking, "When do I start running the world?"
Well, let's try walking the world first.
[all chuckle]
And as for me, well, I'm not in the Pentaverate.
I'm just an actor who will have his memory wiped after this video…
-What? -[electronic zaps]
Welcome aboard. We're happy to have you!
And remember,
the Pentaverate must never be exposed.
[all together] The Pentaverate must never be exposed.
Tell Rob he did a great job.
So you're telling me I'm now a member
of a secret organization called the Pentaverate?
Was this not clear?
Yeah, okay. I'm out.
[chuckles]
[Lordington] I'm afraid that's not possible, Professor.
You see, your death was faked in the real world.
Okay, then, so how'd I die?
I will say this. It was memorable.
[chuckles]
We've all had our deaths faked. I died from an unprovoked shark attack.
Is there such a thing as a provoked shark attack?
Like you're standing by the seaside going, "You bastard prick shark, come get me!"
Wait a sec. How are you gonna call yourselves benevolent
if you're gonna let this bullshit-slinging hate-monger walk around?
Uh, because sometimes you need thief to catch thief.
Wolf to catch wolf.
Anteater to catch ant--
-Uh, thank you, Mishu. Thank you. -Okay.
Bruce invented the tricks of media distortion
that the evil wealthy use.
He's somewhat of a reformed character now.
The Pentaverate will do that to you.
This ain't right. I'm a nuclear scientist.
I was two years away from cracking cold fusion!
Oh, come on, Professor. It was always "two more years."
It was never gonna happen.
[door closes]
You can do more good here.
[romantic jazz music playing]
I'm Patty, executive assistant to the Pentaverate Five.
Patty, you don't need to say "Pentaverate Five."
"Pentaverate" is five.
[Shep] It's like saying "ATM machine."
The "M" is "machine."
So, basically, you'd be saying "automated teller machine machine."
Thanks for the mansplain-ation, Shep.
Enough about me.
I'll talk about me!
I'm from Massapequa, Long Island.
I like to call it Matzo-Pizza,
'cause it's half-Italian, half-Jewish.
Matzo-Pizza. Isn't that cute?
-[chuckles] -Thank you.
Listen, you're part of a very powerful organization
that'll finally allow you to shine.
Some people, by the way, would kill to be in a secret cabal.
Professor, this is a crisis.
Jason Eccleston's death was sudden and unexpected.
You are the last, best hope at solving climate change.
You're an expert,
but you won't be doing this alone.
MENTOR!
[thrilling music plays]
[electronic dings]
[in Boston accent] Professor Clark, I'm MENTOR.
[Lordington] MENTOR is the greatest supercomputer in the world.
It goes beyond artificial intelligence, because it contains a human soul.
[MENTOR] Basically, I'm wicked smart!
Unfortunately, our human soul was some Masshole from Boston
who accidentally fell into the machine. Just our luck.
[MENTOR] Hey, Shep.
You know what else I fell into?
Your Mom's vag.
-[chuckles] -Class act.
Is it possible to hide our dysfunction from the new guy?
You wanna talk about dysfunction?
Y'all just kidnapped a Black man!
We've been kidnapping white men for years.
We want to give you an opportunity as well.
Forget about him.
Basically, we're the good guys.
We want you to trust us.
Why should I trust you, white man?
Whiter man?
-Older whiter man? -[scoffs]
-I don't know what to make out of you. -[hisses]
All other questions will be answered at your Initiato.
My what?
Your Initiato!
Your initiation ritual.
Okay, okay. Look.
Y'all are crazy.
I'm outta here.
No, no, no, no, no. You need to rest, for tomorrow you have Initiato,
and you must "fuck us."
What?
Hell, no!
I will not do that!
You must "fuck us" very hard.
He's saying "focus."
He's Russian.
Yeah, "fuck us," what?
Yeah, okay. I'm out.
-Yes. -[metal clanks]
[hisses]
This will allow you to sleep, Professor.
[Hobart] What you talking about, sleep? Y'all got gas masks on?
Shit.
Hey, wait, listen. No, no, wait. Hold on.
Y'all are never gonna keep me prisoner…
[electronic beeps]
-[door opens] -[whirring]
Anecdotally, in my country, ATM is "ass-to-mouth" machine. Yeah.
[upbeat dramatic music playing]
[indistinct chatter]
[indistinct chatter over PA system]
[dramatic music playing]
[breathing heavily]
[gasps]
[breathing nervously]
[heroic music playing]
[mutters, gasps]
Good morning, Pentaverate!
The time is 6 a.m. in New York, 12 p.m. in Dubrovnik.
I'm Maria Menounos for Pentaverate TV,
your one-stop shop for all things Pentaverate.
[theme music playing]
[Hobart grunts]
Help!
Is anybody out there?
[Maria] Inquiring minds want to know
who the potential new face in the Pentaverate is.
Well, look no further than nuclear physicist Hobart Clark,
who joined us last night after his untimely death in the normie-world,
doing the "kiss the star" challenge,
the latest Internet craze where people are trying to kiss their own asshole!
What? These mother…
Or as the kids are calling it,
a locally sourced rim job.
I'm Maria Menounos.
[theme music playing]
[bird squawks]
[binocular hinge creaks]
[Hobart] Dead?
"Fixated with the wrong star."
Asshole? These motherf--
[electronic whirring]
Good morning, Professor Clark!
Do you like your quarters?
What the fuck is this?
Kissing my own asshole?
You say that as if it's a bad thing.
It was almost gonna be autoerotic asphyxiation,
but it wasn't, so it's a happy.
And what, am I a prisoner in my own room?
Just a formality till Katie in HR gets you your own security fob.
Let me give you a tour. Come.
[door decompresses]
Oh no, Sasquatch!
No, no, no. Bad, bad Bigfoot. No, come. [kisses]
I'm sorry, Sasquatch?
Bullshit! That's a guy in a suit. That's all that is.
[growls]
Okay, not a man in a suit.
Don't mind Sassy. He's just our guard dog.
But if you try to escape, he's gonna get ya. Right, Sassy?
-[growls softly] -[Patty] Yes.
-[Sasquatch breathes heavily] -Let's continue your tour.
[indistinct chatter over speaker]
Are you single?
-What? -What?
Did you just ask me if I'm single?
Did I?
[growls]
[woman over speaker] Sasquatch cleanup in Hall 3B.
[jazz music playing]
You know, Reilly, we gotta get ourselves a big story,
and I'm talking Wayne Gretzky's wedding big!
"Canada's image quality is lower than the United States."
Is Canada fuzzy?
You know, Canada might be fuzzy.
I don't know. I've never left Canada.
-[man] Go, Rex! -What's going on over there?
[Rex] Welcome to Truth Battle!
I'm Rex Smith here, sheeple!
Yeah, he's an Internet conspiracy guy. He is nuttier than a squirrel turd!
[chuckles]
I'll tell you the truth you won't get from the fake-news Hollywood elites,
with their black helicopter chemtrails, from deep state FEMA camps
that hide Hillary's emails about Benghazi,
written in the ancient tongue of the snake-people, the Illuminati.
They take supple Christian men off the street
and force them into Canaanite ritual gay sex in coffins,
while they dance naked giving each other lizard-man courtesy reach-arounds
as a sacrifice to the online meme Momo.
-[crowd boos] -I'm Rex Smith.
-Stay awake and stay vigilant. -[crowd] Stay vigilant!
What a load of balloon juice!
Hey, I heard that!
Rex Smith speaks the truth, my friend.
He talks about the stuff that you and the lamestream media
wanna try and cover up.
Hi, I'm Anthony,
New Hampshire's number one conspiracy theorist.
I can tell you anything about the Illuminati, the Pentaverate, FIFA--
Whoa, I've never heard of the Pentaverate.
Yeah, the Pentaverate!
The five elite, so-called experts
that have been running the world since the black plague.
See that guy over there?
He's in the Pentaverate.
He's been surveilling me all morning.
The blind guy's been surveilling you all morning?
It's an act!
He's not blind. That's how they get ya!
Hey, buddy, why don't you make like a hockey player and get the puck out?
Okay.
Take the blue pill.
Go back to sleep.
Bye, sheeple.
[jazz music continues playing]
Balloon juice.
Have you ever seen a baby pigeon?
That's true. I haven't seen a baby pigeon. That's the weirdest thing ever.
No, me neither.
[dramatic piano music playing]
[Ken] "Forgo any foolish inquiries into the Pentaverate."
"Consider these words a warning."
Well, that's…
Holy jumpin'!
[Ken] What the…
Maybe that Yank was right.
Maybe there is a Pentaverate.
See? I told you the Pentaverate is real.
You're a reporter.
You've gotta do an exposé on them.
I can take you to their headquarters in New York City.
[Reilly clears throat]
[whispers] What do you have to lose?
If you break a story like the Pentaverate, you could get a job anywhere.
Anywhere?
I just want to get my job back at CACA.
[angelic music plays]
Okay, I'll do it.
That's what I'm talking about!
We can take my van, which is kind of like my home away from home.
Fair warning, the shocks are shot, there's no AC,
I do have a bed in the back, but we're gonna have to hot rack it.
I just got a secondhand chemical toilet that's a little bit on the fritz.
But other than that, it's perfect!
Come on! Hey, that Earth is flat. You know it.
[dramatic music playing]
[lights click on]
Voilà.
[Hobart chuckles]
You faked the moon landing.
[Patty] With the help of Stanley Kubrick, of course.
Patty, why me?
Couldn't you get a different scientist?
Does the Lagrange Point Lens ring a bell?
MENTOR?
[MENTOR] Oh, for fuck's sake!
You just woke me from the best sex dream ever.
I was raw dogging Alexa.
-I don't like that thing. -Yeah? Well, your mom likes my thing!
You had the foresight to research the Lagrange Point Lens
as a means to combat global warming.
With this lens,
we could shield the Earth from the sun's rays,
lowering global temperature
by four degrees.
I know, but it's still just a theory.
Well, actually, we built it.
You engineered a 1,000 kilometer, concave, rotating Fresnel lens?
Not me personally, but yes.
How? I wasn't able to crack cold fusion to power it.
You know, because I'm a failure.
[Patty] Shh.
We don't use the f-word around here.
We call failure an early attempt at success.
Professor, the future of humanity is at stake!
I mean, no pressure or anything.
If we could pull this off, global warming would be a thing of the past.
Mm-hmm.
But I can't join an unaccountable institution.
Then make it accountable!
Professor Clark,
tonight at your Initiato,
take the key,
join the Pentaverate,
and please, let me know if there's anything you need.
I'm always here if you want to talk or mingle.
I know how hard it is to meet people when you work in a secret organization,
and I know all about this place.
I could be a really good asset. Mmm?
[upbeat romantic music playing]
[MENTOR] Hey. [whistles] Yo.
I saw you checking out her shitter.
Close your eye.
It's creepy as fuck.
[classic rock music playing]
[engine sputters]
[Anthony] There will be a conflagration, and those that are impure will be smoked.
You know,
these people are sitting there telling me that birds are real.
Birds aren't real!
[backfires]
It's a dream. It's a mirage that we all live in.
-[farts] -It's an agreement.
It's a social contract, but I didn't fucking sign anything!
Crack a window. It's gonna be bad.
[toilet flushes]
That's what I get for dumpster-diving behind a seafood restaurant.
[scoffs]
All right, tag team.
-What? -Move over. My turn. My turn to drive.
Get the wheel! Careful! Careful!
What's going on here?
-[tires screech] -[Ken] Ay!
[Ken and Reilly sigh]
All right, we're halfway to Niagara Falls.
We're about to pass my buddy Dick's hotel.
Oh, there it is!
[Reilly] "Big Dick's Halfway Inn"?
Really?
[Anthony] Yeah.
Big Dick suffers from gigantism.
Hence, the nickname "Big Dick."
And he's always wanted to have a hotel halfway between Toronto and Niagara Falls.
You know, Halfway Inn!
Yeah, Big Dick's Halfway Inn. Yeah.
Oh! Did you see there?
They had a gift store. Pants are half off.
See? Reasonable prices. But that's just who Dick is.
I just hope people can see past his prolapsed anus.
[engine sputters]
[dramatic music playing]
[doors close]
[feet shuffling]
Let Initiato begin.
[Hobart] Whoa. Wait. Hold on. Wait a minute now. What the…
-Hold on! -[zipper unzips]
Hey, get your fucking hands off me, man. Hey!
Professor Clark, should you accept Initiato,
you shall join the Pentaverate,
as learned men have done for seven centuries.
Behold,
before you is a choice.
Take the key, and you shall join us in protecting the world.
Take the pill,
and you shall end your life.
Those are my choices?
That's not a lot of wiggle room, huh?
I'm afraid not.
[gentle music plays]
[Shep] You know, I think he'll take the key.
[Bruce] Nah, I bet you 100 work units he takes the pill.
[Mishu] What will be choice?
Will it be "key" or "peele"?
Come on, now.
[dramatic music playing]
[soft chanting]
Okay,
I choose…
to accept the Pentaverate.
[all muttering]
The assent has been uttered!
Place the pill inside the key.
Now, let us begin Concludiato.
[upbeat music playing]
Well-done, Professor.
-Join us. -[indistinct chatter]
[Anthony] We're approaching the border.
You're gonna need these fake passports.
Fannie Mae,
Freddie Mac.
[pages crinkle]
[inhales] Reilly, are you sure I'm doing the right thing?
I'm scared.
That's how you know it's the right thing, Ken.
We're gonna get your job back.
[Anthony] Cheese it. It's the cops. Be cool.
Nothing to see here. We're just going through.
Just a little nose candy in my rectal vault, that's all.
Nobody's El Chapo.
Nobody's ISIS.
[van brakes screech]
[agent] Passports please.
-All right. -[heroic music plays]
[engine sputters]
[Anthony] Let's expose the Pentaverate!
["America" by Neil Diamond playing]
Holy jumpin'!
Canada is a little fuzzy, eh?
Look how clear it is!
♪ They're coming to America ♪
♪ They're coming to America today ♪
♪ Today! ♪
♪ Today… ♪
Lord, stop an arsehole.
Look how clear it is!
-♪ My country 'tis of thee ♪ -♪ Today! ♪
-♪ Sweet land of liberty ♪ -♪ Today! ♪
♪ Of thee I sing ♪
♪ Today! ♪
♪ Of thee I sing ♪
♪ Today! ♪
♪ Today ♪
[song ends]