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[eerie music playing]
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[dramatic music playing]
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[helicopter blades whirring]
4
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Where are you taking me?
5
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Where are you taking me?
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[female over intercom] Fimbra Control,
Alouette 5 is in range.
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Apply the blindfold, please.
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Blindfold?
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Hell, no! No way!
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This enforced incarceration
is unsanctioned, unwarranted,
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and unconstitutional!
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-What the fuck are you doing?
-[system dings]
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[engine accelerates]
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Ah!
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Who is flying this thing?
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Fimbra Control,
remote landing sequence has begun.
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[dramatic music playing]
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[system beeps]
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[helicopter blades whirring]
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[system dings]
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Hey, hey, man! Hey!
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[helicopter powers down]
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Where are you taking me?
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[gentle heroic music playing]
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[doors close]
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[soft chanting]
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[splutters]
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What is this?
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[man] In due time, Professor Clark.
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No, the time is due. Now is the due time.
Are you gonna kill me?
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I'm not scared or nothing.
I'm just curious.
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[man 2] Well, according to the world,
Professor Clark,
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you're already dead.
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[all chuckling]
35
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Who are you?
36
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[in Australian accent] Bruce Baldwin.
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[in New York accent] Shep Gordon.
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[in Russian accent]
I am the one they call Mishu.
39
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[in British accent]
And I am Lord Lordington.
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Together, we are…
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[all] The Pentaverate.
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[upbeat music playing]
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[narrator] In 1347,
five learned men realized
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that the black plague
was caused by fleas on rats.
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However, the Church believed
the plague to be God's punishment,
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labeling these five men heretics.
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So they formed a benevolent secret society
to influence world events, known as
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The Pentaverate.
49
00:04:11,240 --> 00:04:15,200
Throughout the centuries,
there have been many secret organizations.
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What makes the Pentaverate different?
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They're nice.
52
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[song fades out]
53
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-[upbeat music playing]
-[man] You're watching CACA Toronto.
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00:04:33,120 --> 00:04:34,520
Welcome back.
55
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I'm Darleen Windelchuck.
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Hard-hitting and breaking now,
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nuclear physicist Professor Hobart Clark
has died of an apparent broken neck.
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Oakland Police say Clark died
attempting the "kiss the star" challenge,
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00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:54,080
the latest Internet craze, where people
are challenged to kiss their own anus.
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00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:57,400
Professor Clark was 57.
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00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:03,440
And finally, a report
from Canada's own lovable Ken Scarborough.
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Ken Scarborough here
at the Toronto Sportsman Show.
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There's plenty of things to do,
whether you're into skeet-shooting…
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-[gun fires]
-[woman shrieks]
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…or fly-fishing.
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00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:17,280
Over there's a 1,000-pound bull
made entirely out of butter.
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00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:21,880
We asked some Torontonians what they
thought of this year's Sportsman Show.
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00:05:22,680 --> 00:05:26,240
Hey, buddy, why don't you
take off your clothes and bear with me?
69
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[chuckles]
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What's your favorite part
about this year's Sportsman Show?
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00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:34,640
Oh my God, you're Ken Scarborough.
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Yes, I am.
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You're still alive?
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00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:38,920
I certainly am.
75
00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:41,440
But you must be, like, 100 years old?
76
00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:42,480
You're lucky I don't…
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Not tonight, deer. I've got a headache!
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[chuckles]
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I haven't had this much fun
since I was at a nudist colony
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and accidentally backed
into a meat thermometer.
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But wherever you go at the Sportsman Show,
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you're never too far
from a couple of lovely ladies.
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Ken Scarborough, CACA News.
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[upbeat music playing]
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From all of us at CACA Toronto News,
good night, and do your best, eh?
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00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:15,680
[man] Up next, Canada's favorite
quiz show, Close Enough,
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00:06:15,760 --> 00:06:18,200
where to win, you only have to be…
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[man and audience] Close enough!
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And we're clear!
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[bell rings]
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Nice job. See you tomorrow.
Great job. See you tomorrow.
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00:06:27,080 --> 00:06:29,160
Mrs. Snee, what did you think
of my piece tonight?
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00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:30,720
Ken, we should talk.
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It's about time we talk about your future.
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Could be a slow process.
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Keep it just between us.
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What are you saying, boss?
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00:06:38,080 --> 00:06:40,200
Good luck with the retirement, Ken.
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00:06:40,720 --> 00:06:44,720
Ah, jumpin' German Jesus, Darleen.
I was working up to it!
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00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:46,960
Are you giving me the old heave-ho?
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00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:48,360
I don't wanna be a shit heel, Ken,
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00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:50,480
but man-on-the-street opinions
come from Twitter now!
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00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:52,520
You're a nice guy. Jeez.
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You've even been on the cover
of Canadian Nice Magazine.
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But this show needs big stories.
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Hard-hitting news!
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Hard-hitting?
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Well, tomorrow, I'm covering
the Canadian Conspiracy Convention.
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You know? CanConCon.
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00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:12,040
You know, retirement would be
the perfect time for you to travel.
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I don't want to travel!
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I want to stay right here in Toronto,
giving voice to the common man.
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Mrs. Snee,
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this job is all I have left
in the whole world.
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Please,
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give me one more chance.
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Okay,
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I'll give you one more shot. Jeez!
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Oh, but, Ken… [sighs]
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…if you can't come up
with a hard-hitting piece,
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I'm sorry.
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00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:43,040
[gasps] I'm sorry you're sorry, frankly.
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If you're sorry,
you're gonna make me sorry.
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Sorry.
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[door opens]
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[woman humming]
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Hey!
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Aw, Darleen told me
you're getting canceled, eh?
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Yeah, telephone, telegraph, tell-Darleen.
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Big mouth.
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I can't believe it.
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This job's all I've ever wanted to do.
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Maybe you're destined
for something greater.
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00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:15,960
I don't think I believe
in that destiny junk.
135
00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:19,560
I know we haven't worked together long,
but I believe in you.
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00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:23,320
You're a good person.
You're kind. The work you do matters.
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You're my mentor.
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[chuckles] Kind of remind me of my dad.
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Aw, thanks.
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Except you don't drink,
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and you didn't leave my mom
for some hosebag.
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00:08:31,360 --> 00:08:32,400
Okey dokey.
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00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:38,080
Let's go find a big story, eh?
I know we can find it at CanConCon.
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00:08:38,160 --> 00:08:39,520
[sighs] I hope so, Reilly.
145
00:08:39,600 --> 00:08:43,600
It's just this conspiracy theory stuff
sounds like a load of balloon juice to me.
146
00:08:43,680 --> 00:08:45,280
Ugh! Believe!
147
00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:46,560
All right, I'm believing.
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-[Reilly] Maybe we'll catch Bigfoot!
-[Ken] That'd be nice.
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00:08:49,760 --> 00:08:51,200
Congratulations.
150
00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:52,560
You've just been kidnapped
151
00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:56,720
into the world's oldest
and most effective secret society.
152
00:08:57,360 --> 00:08:58,640
The Pentaverate.
153
00:08:58,720 --> 00:08:59,760
I'm Rob Lowe.
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00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:01,800
Thank you.
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00:09:01,880 --> 00:09:03,040
[chuckles]
156
00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:07,880
The Pentaverate is a benevolent,
fully sequestered secret society
157
00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:13,600
of five men, who, since 1347,
have been experts in their fields.
158
00:09:13,680 --> 00:09:16,120
Men like Leonardo da Vinci,
159
00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:18,040
Jonas Salk,
160
00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:20,320
and the Quaker Oats guy.
161
00:09:20,840 --> 00:09:24,880
The current Pentaverate
consists of Lord Lordington,
162
00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:26,880
our highest-ranking member,
163
00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:30,360
former Australian media mogul
Bruce Baldwin,
164
00:09:30,440 --> 00:09:34,400
ex-member of Putin's oligarchy
Mishu Ivanov,
165
00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:38,720
Alice Cooper's former manager,
the legendary Shep Gordon,
166
00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:40,760
and you.
167
00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:46,320
We pay our respects to your predecessor,
who died two days ago, Jason Eccleston,
168
00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:50,360
the tech genius who invented
our supercomputer, MENTOR.
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00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:51,760
A little bit about myself.
170
00:09:51,840 --> 00:09:56,120
I'm in a polyamorous relationship
with two life-sized companion dolls.
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I also do up close sex magic.
172
00:09:58,480 --> 00:10:01,240
I both read and masturbate to tarot.
173
00:10:01,320 --> 00:10:02,600
God, is… is this for real?
174
00:10:02,680 --> 00:10:05,360
I know what you're asking yourself.
"Is this for real?"
175
00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:08,280
The answer is, yes!
176
00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:11,520
You may also be asking,
"When do I start running the world?"
177
00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:14,320
Well, let's try walking the world first.
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00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:17,120
[all chuckle]
179
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:19,960
And as for me,
well, I'm not in the Pentaverate.
180
00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:24,640
I'm just an actor who will have
his memory wiped after this video…
181
00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:25,680
-What?
-[electronic zaps]
182
00:10:25,760 --> 00:10:28,520
Welcome aboard. We're happy to have you!
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00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:29,680
And remember,
184
00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:32,640
the Pentaverate must never be exposed.
185
00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:35,480
[all together] The Pentaverate
must never be exposed.
186
00:10:35,560 --> 00:10:37,200
Tell Rob he did a great job.
187
00:10:37,280 --> 00:10:38,840
So you're telling me I'm now a member
188
00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:41,880
of a secret organization
called the Pentaverate?
189
00:10:42,560 --> 00:10:44,280
Was this not clear?
190
00:10:44,360 --> 00:10:46,040
Yeah, okay. I'm out.
191
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:48,000
[chuckles]
192
00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:54,440
[Lordington] I'm afraid
that's not possible, Professor.
193
00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:58,240
You see, your death was faked
in the real world.
194
00:10:58,760 --> 00:11:00,480
Okay, then, so how'd I die?
195
00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:03,120
I will say this. It was memorable.
196
00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:04,200
[chuckles]
197
00:11:04,280 --> 00:11:09,400
We've all had our deaths faked.
I died from an unprovoked shark attack.
198
00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:13,440
Is there such a thing
as a provoked shark attack?
199
00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:18,160
Like you're standing by the seaside going,
"You bastard prick shark, come get me!"
200
00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:21,280
Wait a sec. How are you
gonna call yourselves benevolent
201
00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:24,440
if you're gonna let this bullshit-slinging
hate-monger walk around?
202
00:11:24,520 --> 00:11:28,000
Uh, because sometimes you need
thief to catch thief.
203
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:30,680
Wolf to catch wolf.
204
00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:32,200
Anteater to catch ant--
205
00:11:32,280 --> 00:11:34,720
-Uh, thank you, Mishu. Thank you.
-Okay.
206
00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:37,240
Bruce invented the tricks
of media distortion
207
00:11:37,320 --> 00:11:38,920
that the evil wealthy use.
208
00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:41,880
He's somewhat of a reformed character now.
209
00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:43,880
The Pentaverate will do that to you.
210
00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:45,880
This ain't right. I'm a nuclear scientist.
211
00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:48,960
I was two years away
from cracking cold fusion!
212
00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:53,280
Oh, come on, Professor.
It was always "two more years."
213
00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:55,080
It was never gonna happen.
214
00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:56,440
[door closes]
215
00:11:57,040 --> 00:11:58,520
You can do more good here.
216
00:11:58,600 --> 00:12:01,080
[romantic jazz music playing]
217
00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:05,080
I'm Patty, executive assistant
to the Pentaverate Five.
218
00:12:05,160 --> 00:12:09,120
Patty, you don't need
to say "Pentaverate Five."
219
00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:11,080
"Pentaverate" is five.
220
00:12:11,160 --> 00:12:13,400
[Shep] It's like saying "ATM machine."
221
00:12:13,480 --> 00:12:15,240
The "M" is "machine."
222
00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:19,480
So, basically, you'd be saying
"automated teller machine machine."
223
00:12:19,560 --> 00:12:21,800
Thanks for the mansplain-ation, Shep.
224
00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:23,640
Enough about me.
225
00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:26,320
I'll talk about me!
226
00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:28,360
I'm from Massapequa, Long Island.
227
00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:30,600
I like to call it Matzo-Pizza,
228
00:12:30,680 --> 00:12:33,040
'cause it's half-Italian, half-Jewish.
229
00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:35,120
Matzo-Pizza. Isn't that cute?
230
00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:36,840
-[chuckles]
-Thank you.
231
00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:40,360
Listen, you're part
of a very powerful organization
232
00:12:40,440 --> 00:12:42,760
that'll finally allow you to shine.
233
00:12:43,560 --> 00:12:48,120
Some people, by the way,
would kill to be in a secret cabal.
234
00:12:49,120 --> 00:12:50,840
Professor, this is a crisis.
235
00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:55,480
Jason Eccleston's death
was sudden and unexpected.
236
00:12:55,560 --> 00:13:00,080
You are the last, best hope
at solving climate change.
237
00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:01,960
You're an expert,
238
00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:05,440
but you won't be doing this alone.
239
00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:06,360
MENTOR!
240
00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:07,880
[thrilling music plays]
241
00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:09,360
[electronic dings]
242
00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:11,560
[in Boston accent]
Professor Clark, I'm MENTOR.
243
00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:15,320
[Lordington] MENTOR is
the greatest supercomputer in the world.
244
00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:19,760
It goes beyond artificial intelligence,
because it contains a human soul.
245
00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:22,120
[MENTOR] Basically, I'm wicked smart!
246
00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:26,560
Unfortunately, our human soul
was some Masshole from Boston
247
00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:29,000
who accidentally fell into the machine.
Just our luck.
248
00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:29,960
[MENTOR] Hey, Shep.
249
00:13:30,040 --> 00:13:32,000
You know what else I fell into?
250
00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:33,800
Your Mom's vag.
251
00:13:34,360 --> 00:13:36,240
-[chuckles]
-Class act.
252
00:13:36,320 --> 00:13:39,720
Is it possible to hide our dysfunction
from the new guy?
253
00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:41,480
You wanna talk about dysfunction?
254
00:13:41,560 --> 00:13:43,400
Y'all just kidnapped a Black man!
255
00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:46,200
We've been kidnapping white men for years.
256
00:13:46,280 --> 00:13:48,080
We want to give you
an opportunity as well.
257
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:49,640
Forget about him.
258
00:13:49,720 --> 00:13:51,920
Basically, we're the good guys.
259
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:53,400
We want you to trust us.
260
00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:55,320
Why should I trust you, white man?
261
00:13:56,680 --> 00:13:57,720
Whiter man?
262
00:13:58,760 --> 00:14:00,520
-Older whiter man?
-[scoffs]
263
00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:03,200
-I don't know what to make out of you.
-[hisses]
264
00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:06,600
All other questions
will be answered at your Initiato.
265
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:07,880
My what?
266
00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:09,560
Your Initiato!
267
00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:11,240
Your initiation ritual.
268
00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:13,280
Okay, okay. Look.
269
00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:14,880
Y'all are crazy.
270
00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:15,880
I'm outta here.
271
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:20,120
No, no, no, no, no. You need to rest,
for tomorrow you have Initiato,
272
00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:21,360
and you must "fuck us."
273
00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:22,440
What?
274
00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:23,640
Hell, no!
275
00:14:23,720 --> 00:14:25,040
I will not do that!
276
00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:26,840
You must "fuck us" very hard.
277
00:14:26,920 --> 00:14:29,040
He's saying "focus."
278
00:14:29,120 --> 00:14:30,200
He's Russian.
279
00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:31,360
Yeah, "fuck us," what?
280
00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:33,160
Yeah, okay. I'm out.
281
00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:34,520
-Yes.
-[metal clanks]
282
00:14:34,600 --> 00:14:36,600
[hisses]
283
00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:38,920
This will allow you to sleep, Professor.
284
00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:41,400
[Hobart] What you talking about, sleep?
Y'all got gas masks on?
285
00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:43,320
Shit.
286
00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:45,400
Hey, wait, listen. No, no, wait. Hold on.
287
00:14:45,480 --> 00:14:49,200
Y'all are never gonna keep me prisoner…
288
00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:50,520
[electronic beeps]
289
00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:53,120
-[door opens]
-[whirring]
290
00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:03,720
Anecdotally, in my country,
ATM is "ass-to-mouth" machine. Yeah.
291
00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:09,840
[upbeat dramatic music playing]
292
00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:14,360
[indistinct chatter]
293
00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:20,520
[indistinct chatter over PA system]
294
00:15:24,640 --> 00:15:27,000
[dramatic music playing]
295
00:15:34,120 --> 00:15:36,640
[breathing heavily]
296
00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:38,080
[gasps]
297
00:15:38,160 --> 00:15:39,800
[breathing nervously]
298
00:15:39,880 --> 00:15:40,800
[heroic music playing]
299
00:15:40,880 --> 00:15:42,520
[mutters, gasps]
300
00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:45,200
Good morning, Pentaverate!
301
00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:49,160
The time is 6 a.m. in New York,
12 p.m. in Dubrovnik.
302
00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:52,320
I'm Maria Menounos for Pentaverate TV,
303
00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:55,480
your one-stop shop
for all things Pentaverate.
304
00:15:55,560 --> 00:15:56,760
[theme music playing]
305
00:15:56,840 --> 00:15:57,760
[Hobart grunts]
306
00:15:59,080 --> 00:15:59,920
Help!
307
00:16:00,640 --> 00:16:01,840
Is anybody out there?
308
00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:03,720
[Maria] Inquiring minds want to know
309
00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:06,560
who the potential new face
in the Pentaverate is.
310
00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:10,480
Well, look no further
than nuclear physicist Hobart Clark,
311
00:16:10,560 --> 00:16:14,800
who joined us last night after
his untimely death in the normie-world,
312
00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:16,800
doing the "kiss the star" challenge,
313
00:16:16,880 --> 00:16:21,560
the latest Internet craze where people
are trying to kiss their own asshole!
314
00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:23,520
What? These mother…
315
00:16:23,600 --> 00:16:25,560
Or as the kids are calling it,
316
00:16:25,640 --> 00:16:27,920
a locally sourced rim job.
317
00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:29,720
I'm Maria Menounos.
318
00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:32,440
[theme music playing]
319
00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:34,640
[bird squawks]
320
00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:41,640
[binocular hinge creaks]
321
00:16:43,160 --> 00:16:44,040
[Hobart] Dead?
322
00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:48,880
"Fixated with the wrong star."
323
00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:53,800
Asshole? These motherf--
324
00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:55,120
[electronic whirring]
325
00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:57,120
Good morning, Professor Clark!
326
00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:58,400
Do you like your quarters?
327
00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:00,120
What the fuck is this?
328
00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:02,280
Kissing my own asshole?
329
00:17:02,360 --> 00:17:04,520
You say that as if it's a bad thing.
330
00:17:04,600 --> 00:17:07,320
It was almost gonna be
autoerotic asphyxiation,
331
00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:09,760
but it wasn't, so it's a happy.
332
00:17:10,360 --> 00:17:12,080
And what, am I a prisoner in my own room?
333
00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:16,040
Just a formality till Katie in HR
gets you your own security fob.
334
00:17:16,120 --> 00:17:17,840
Let me give you a tour. Come.
335
00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:19,160
[door decompresses]
336
00:17:19,240 --> 00:17:21,600
Oh no, Sasquatch!
337
00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:24,640
No, no, no. Bad, bad Bigfoot.
No, come. [kisses]
338
00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:26,480
I'm sorry, Sasquatch?
339
00:17:27,120 --> 00:17:29,200
Bullshit! That's a guy in a suit.
That's all that is.
340
00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:33,880
[growls]
341
00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:35,520
Okay, not a man in a suit.
342
00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:39,000
Don't mind Sassy. He's just our guard dog.
343
00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:42,320
But if you try to escape,
he's gonna get ya. Right, Sassy?
344
00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:43,920
-[growls softly]
-[Patty] Yes.
345
00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:46,360
-[Sasquatch breathes heavily]
-Let's continue your tour.
346
00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:48,240
[indistinct chatter over speaker]
347
00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:49,360
Are you single?
348
00:17:49,440 --> 00:17:50,920
-What?
-What?
349
00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:52,320
Did you just ask me if I'm single?
350
00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:53,240
Did I?
351
00:17:53,320 --> 00:17:54,800
[growls]
352
00:17:58,040 --> 00:18:01,120
[woman over speaker]
Sasquatch cleanup in Hall 3B.
353
00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:04,520
[jazz music playing]
354
00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:16,560
You know, Reilly,
we gotta get ourselves a big story,
355
00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:19,640
and I'm talking
Wayne Gretzky's wedding big!
356
00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:23,520
"Canada's image quality
is lower than the United States."
357
00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:24,640
Is Canada fuzzy?
358
00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:26,480
You know, Canada might be fuzzy.
359
00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:28,720
I don't know. I've never left Canada.
360
00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:30,600
-[man] Go, Rex!
-What's going on over there?
361
00:18:30,680 --> 00:18:33,000
[Rex] Welcome to Truth Battle!
362
00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:35,200
I'm Rex Smith here, sheeple!
363
00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:38,960
Yeah, he's an Internet conspiracy guy.
He is nuttier than a squirrel turd!
364
00:18:39,040 --> 00:18:39,880
[chuckles]
365
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:42,840
I'll tell you the truth you won't get
from the fake-news Hollywood elites,
366
00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:46,120
with their black helicopter chemtrails,
from deep state FEMA camps
367
00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:49,280
that hide Hillary's emails about Benghazi,
368
00:18:49,360 --> 00:18:52,720
written in the ancient tongue
of the snake-people, the Illuminati.
369
00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:54,720
They take supple Christian men
off the street
370
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:58,520
and force them
into Canaanite ritual gay sex in coffins,
371
00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:03,040
while they dance naked giving each other
lizard-man courtesy reach-arounds
372
00:19:03,120 --> 00:19:06,520
as a sacrifice to the online meme Momo.
373
00:19:06,600 --> 00:19:08,280
-[crowd boos]
-I'm Rex Smith.
374
00:19:08,360 --> 00:19:11,560
-Stay awake and stay vigilant.
-[crowd] Stay vigilant!
375
00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:13,200
What a load of balloon juice!
376
00:19:13,280 --> 00:19:15,720
Hey, I heard that!
377
00:19:15,800 --> 00:19:18,320
Rex Smith speaks the truth, my friend.
378
00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:21,200
He talks about the stuff
that you and the lamestream media
379
00:19:21,280 --> 00:19:22,640
wanna try and cover up.
380
00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:25,880
Hi, I'm Anthony,
381
00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:29,080
New Hampshire's
number one conspiracy theorist.
382
00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:32,800
I can tell you anything about
the Illuminati, the Pentaverate, FIFA--
383
00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:35,000
Whoa, I've never heard of the Pentaverate.
384
00:19:35,080 --> 00:19:36,200
Yeah, the Pentaverate!
385
00:19:36,280 --> 00:19:38,240
The five elite, so-called experts
386
00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:41,000
that have been running the world
since the black plague.
387
00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:42,560
See that guy over there?
388
00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:45,000
He's in the Pentaverate.
389
00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:47,800
He's been surveilling me all morning.
390
00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:50,080
The blind guy's been surveilling you
all morning?
391
00:19:50,160 --> 00:19:51,440
It's an act!
392
00:19:51,520 --> 00:19:54,080
He's not blind. That's how they get ya!
393
00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:57,040
Hey, buddy, why don't you make
like a hockey player and get the puck out?
394
00:19:57,120 --> 00:19:58,240
Okay.
395
00:19:58,320 --> 00:19:59,800
Take the blue pill.
396
00:19:59,880 --> 00:20:01,000
Go back to sleep.
397
00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:02,400
Bye, sheeple.
398
00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:04,200
[jazz music continues playing]
399
00:20:04,280 --> 00:20:05,120
Balloon juice.
400
00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:11,120
Have you ever seen a baby pigeon?
401
00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:14,120
That's true. I haven't seen a baby pigeon.
That's the weirdest thing ever.
402
00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:15,440
No, me neither.
403
00:20:16,360 --> 00:20:20,120
[dramatic piano music playing]
404
00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:35,160
[Ken] "Forgo any foolish inquiries
into the Pentaverate."
405
00:20:35,240 --> 00:20:37,520
"Consider these words a warning."
406
00:20:37,600 --> 00:20:38,760
Well, that's…
407
00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:40,200
Holy jumpin'!
408
00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:41,360
[Ken] What the…
409
00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:43,680
Maybe that Yank was right.
410
00:20:43,760 --> 00:20:45,920
Maybe there is a Pentaverate.
411
00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:49,400
See? I told you the Pentaverate is real.
412
00:20:49,480 --> 00:20:51,000
You're a reporter.
413
00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:53,240
You've gotta do an exposé on them.
414
00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:55,800
I can take you to their headquarters
in New York City.
415
00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:57,200
[Reilly clears throat]
416
00:20:58,200 --> 00:20:59,840
[whispers] What do you have to lose?
417
00:20:59,920 --> 00:21:03,720
If you break a story like the Pentaverate,
you could get a job anywhere.
418
00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:04,960
Anywhere?
419
00:21:05,720 --> 00:21:08,400
I just want to get my job back at CACA.
420
00:21:08,480 --> 00:21:10,920
[angelic music plays]
421
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:12,680
Okay, I'll do it.
422
00:21:12,760 --> 00:21:14,280
That's what I'm talking about!
423
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:17,280
We can take my van, which is
kind of like my home away from home.
424
00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:20,760
Fair warning, the shocks are shot,
there's no AC,
425
00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:24,120
I do have a bed in the back,
but we're gonna have to hot rack it.
426
00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:27,680
I just got a secondhand chemical toilet
that's a little bit on the fritz.
427
00:21:27,760 --> 00:21:29,440
But other than that, it's perfect!
428
00:21:29,520 --> 00:21:33,000
Come on! Hey, that Earth is flat.
You know it.
429
00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:36,520
[dramatic music playing]
430
00:21:36,600 --> 00:21:37,720
[lights click on]
431
00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:44,200
Voilà.
432
00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:45,280
[Hobart chuckles]
433
00:21:46,120 --> 00:21:47,640
You faked the moon landing.
434
00:21:47,720 --> 00:21:50,240
[Patty] With the help
of Stanley Kubrick, of course.
435
00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:51,520
Patty, why me?
436
00:21:52,080 --> 00:21:54,120
Couldn't you get a different scientist?
437
00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:56,880
Does the Lagrange Point Lens ring a bell?
438
00:21:56,960 --> 00:21:58,120
MENTOR?
439
00:21:58,200 --> 00:21:59,840
[MENTOR] Oh, for fuck's sake!
440
00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:02,040
You just woke me
from the best sex dream ever.
441
00:22:02,120 --> 00:22:04,120
I was raw dogging Alexa.
442
00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:07,440
-I don't like that thing.
-Yeah? Well, your mom likes my thing!
443
00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:11,920
You had the foresight
to research the Lagrange Point Lens
444
00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:14,160
as a means to combat global warming.
445
00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:16,240
With this lens,
446
00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:19,200
we could shield the Earth
from the sun's rays,
447
00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:20,720
lowering global temperature
448
00:22:20,800 --> 00:22:22,360
by four degrees.
449
00:22:22,440 --> 00:22:24,640
I know, but it's still just a theory.
450
00:22:24,720 --> 00:22:26,400
Well, actually, we built it.
451
00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:32,800
You engineered a 1,000 kilometer,
concave, rotating Fresnel lens?
452
00:22:32,880 --> 00:22:35,040
Not me personally, but yes.
453
00:22:35,120 --> 00:22:38,320
How? I wasn't able
to crack cold fusion to power it.
454
00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:40,800
You know, because I'm a failure.
455
00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:41,720
[Patty] Shh.
456
00:22:42,480 --> 00:22:44,840
We don't use the f-word around here.
457
00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:49,600
We call failure
an early attempt at success.
458
00:22:50,240 --> 00:22:54,800
Professor, the future of humanity
is at stake!
459
00:22:54,880 --> 00:22:56,720
I mean, no pressure or anything.
460
00:22:56,800 --> 00:23:00,720
If we could pull this off, global warming
would be a thing of the past.
461
00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:01,680
Mm-hmm.
462
00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:05,320
But I can't join
an unaccountable institution.
463
00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:07,160
Then make it accountable!
464
00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:09,400
Professor Clark,
465
00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:11,200
tonight at your Initiato,
466
00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:12,480
take the key,
467
00:23:12,560 --> 00:23:14,320
join the Pentaverate,
468
00:23:14,400 --> 00:23:17,520
and please, let me know
if there's anything you need.
469
00:23:17,600 --> 00:23:20,440
I'm always here
if you want to talk or mingle.
470
00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:25,840
I know how hard it is to meet people
when you work in a secret organization,
471
00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:28,880
and I know all about this place.
472
00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:33,320
I could be a really good asset. Mmm?
473
00:23:35,560 --> 00:23:39,080
[upbeat romantic music playing]
474
00:23:42,360 --> 00:23:43,840
[MENTOR] Hey. [whistles] Yo.
475
00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:46,440
I saw you checking out her shitter.
476
00:23:46,520 --> 00:23:47,880
Close your eye.
477
00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:49,400
It's creepy as fuck.
478
00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:51,080
[classic rock music playing]
479
00:23:51,160 --> 00:23:52,160
[engine sputters]
480
00:23:52,880 --> 00:23:56,760
[Anthony] There will be a conflagration,
and those that are impure will be smoked.
481
00:23:56,840 --> 00:23:57,680
You know,
482
00:23:58,160 --> 00:24:00,560
these people are sitting there
telling me that birds are real.
483
00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:02,120
Birds aren't real!
484
00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:03,080
[backfires]
485
00:24:03,160 --> 00:24:06,080
It's a dream.
It's a mirage that we all live in.
486
00:24:06,160 --> 00:24:07,360
-[farts]
-It's an agreement.
487
00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:10,960
It's a social contract,
but I didn't fucking sign anything!
488
00:24:11,680 --> 00:24:14,000
Crack a window. It's gonna be bad.
489
00:24:15,160 --> 00:24:18,040
[toilet flushes]
490
00:24:18,120 --> 00:24:21,880
That's what I get for dumpster-diving
behind a seafood restaurant.
491
00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:23,120
[scoffs]
492
00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:24,800
All right, tag team.
493
00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:27,400
-What?
-Move over. My turn. My turn to drive.
494
00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:28,840
Get the wheel! Careful! Careful!
495
00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:30,560
What's going on here?
496
00:24:30,640 --> 00:24:32,360
-[tires screech]
-[Ken] Ay!
497
00:24:33,480 --> 00:24:35,080
[Ken and Reilly sigh]
498
00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:40,840
All right, we're halfway to Niagara Falls.
499
00:24:40,920 --> 00:24:43,480
We're about to pass my buddy Dick's hotel.
500
00:24:43,560 --> 00:24:44,720
Oh, there it is!
501
00:24:44,800 --> 00:24:47,520
[Reilly] "Big Dick's Halfway Inn"?
502
00:24:47,600 --> 00:24:48,560
Really?
503
00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:49,560
[Anthony] Yeah.
504
00:24:49,640 --> 00:24:52,080
Big Dick suffers from gigantism.
505
00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:54,680
Hence, the nickname "Big Dick."
506
00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:58,560
And he's always wanted to have a hotel
halfway between Toronto and Niagara Falls.
507
00:24:58,640 --> 00:25:00,080
You know, Halfway Inn!
508
00:25:00,160 --> 00:25:03,120
Yeah, Big Dick's Halfway Inn. Yeah.
509
00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:04,720
Oh! Did you see there?
510
00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:06,880
They had a gift store. Pants are half off.
511
00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:10,520
See? Reasonable prices.
But that's just who Dick is.
512
00:25:10,600 --> 00:25:13,720
I just hope people
can see past his prolapsed anus.
513
00:25:14,720 --> 00:25:16,000
[engine sputters]
514
00:25:17,360 --> 00:25:19,760
[dramatic music playing]
515
00:25:27,600 --> 00:25:29,440
[doors close]
516
00:25:41,920 --> 00:25:45,760
[feet shuffling]
517
00:25:46,360 --> 00:25:48,480
Let Initiato begin.
518
00:25:50,680 --> 00:25:53,000
[Hobart] Whoa. Wait. Hold on.
Wait a minute now. What the…
519
00:25:53,080 --> 00:25:54,400
-Hold on!
-[zipper unzips]
520
00:25:54,480 --> 00:25:57,080
Hey, get your fucking hands
off me, man. Hey!
521
00:26:00,120 --> 00:26:04,320
Professor Clark,
should you accept Initiato,
522
00:26:04,400 --> 00:26:06,240
you shall join the Pentaverate,
523
00:26:07,480 --> 00:26:10,480
as learned men have done
for seven centuries.
524
00:26:13,120 --> 00:26:13,960
Behold,
525
00:26:14,800 --> 00:26:16,400
before you is a choice.
526
00:26:17,760 --> 00:26:21,280
Take the key, and you shall join us
in protecting the world.
527
00:26:23,680 --> 00:26:24,720
Take the pill,
528
00:26:25,200 --> 00:26:27,040
and you shall end your life.
529
00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:30,320
Those are my choices?
530
00:26:31,440 --> 00:26:33,360
That's not a lot of wiggle room, huh?
531
00:26:33,440 --> 00:26:34,760
I'm afraid not.
532
00:26:34,840 --> 00:26:37,960
[gentle music plays]
533
00:26:39,760 --> 00:26:41,760
[Shep] You know,
I think he'll take the key.
534
00:26:41,840 --> 00:26:44,760
[Bruce] Nah, I bet you 100 work units
he takes the pill.
535
00:26:44,840 --> 00:26:46,560
[Mishu] What will be choice?
536
00:26:46,640 --> 00:26:49,200
Will it be "key" or "peele"?
537
00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:51,360
Come on, now.
538
00:26:53,600 --> 00:26:55,440
[dramatic music playing]
539
00:26:55,520 --> 00:26:57,560
[soft chanting]
540
00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:01,840
Okay,
541
00:27:03,040 --> 00:27:04,240
I choose…
542
00:27:09,840 --> 00:27:11,440
to accept the Pentaverate.
543
00:27:11,520 --> 00:27:12,520
[all muttering]
544
00:27:12,600 --> 00:27:14,680
The assent has been uttered!
545
00:27:14,760 --> 00:27:16,920
Place the pill inside the key.
546
00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:19,880
Now, let us begin Concludiato.
547
00:27:19,960 --> 00:27:22,200
[upbeat music playing]
548
00:27:31,320 --> 00:27:32,720
Well-done, Professor.
549
00:27:33,280 --> 00:27:35,160
-Join us.
-[indistinct chatter]
550
00:27:36,920 --> 00:27:38,600
[Anthony] We're approaching the border.
551
00:27:39,160 --> 00:27:41,480
You're gonna need these fake passports.
552
00:27:41,560 --> 00:27:42,720
Fannie Mae,
553
00:27:42,800 --> 00:27:43,880
Freddie Mac.
554
00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:44,840
[pages crinkle]
555
00:27:46,760 --> 00:27:50,600
[inhales] Reilly,
are you sure I'm doing the right thing?
556
00:27:52,040 --> 00:27:52,880
I'm scared.
557
00:27:53,760 --> 00:27:56,120
That's how you know
it's the right thing, Ken.
558
00:27:56,720 --> 00:27:58,880
We're gonna get your job back.
559
00:27:58,960 --> 00:28:00,880
[Anthony] Cheese it.
It's the cops. Be cool.
560
00:28:00,960 --> 00:28:03,640
Nothing to see here.
We're just going through.
561
00:28:04,160 --> 00:28:07,600
Just a little nose candy
in my rectal vault, that's all.
562
00:28:07,680 --> 00:28:09,480
Nobody's El Chapo.
563
00:28:09,560 --> 00:28:11,320
Nobody's ISIS.
564
00:28:11,400 --> 00:28:12,520
[van brakes screech]
565
00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:13,880
[agent] Passports please.
566
00:28:14,400 --> 00:28:17,000
-All right.
-[heroic music plays]
567
00:28:17,080 --> 00:28:18,640
[engine sputters]
568
00:28:21,560 --> 00:28:23,880
[Anthony] Let's expose the Pentaverate!
569
00:28:24,600 --> 00:28:27,480
["America" by Neil Diamond playing]
570
00:28:29,160 --> 00:28:30,960
Holy jumpin'!
571
00:28:31,040 --> 00:28:33,240
Canada is a little fuzzy, eh?
572
00:28:33,760 --> 00:28:35,320
Look how clear it is!
573
00:28:39,440 --> 00:28:42,360
♪ They're coming to America ♪
574
00:28:43,720 --> 00:28:46,080
♪ They're coming to America ♪
575
00:28:47,400 --> 00:28:51,520
♪ They're coming to America today ♪
576
00:28:54,160 --> 00:28:55,640
♪ Today! ♪
577
00:28:58,000 --> 00:28:59,240
♪ Today… ♪
578
00:29:02,960 --> 00:29:04,640
Lord, stop an arsehole.
579
00:29:04,720 --> 00:29:06,320
Look how clear it is!
580
00:29:07,760 --> 00:29:10,880
-♪ My country 'tis of thee ♪
-♪ Today! ♪
581
00:29:10,960 --> 00:29:14,440
-♪ Sweet land of liberty ♪
-♪ Today! ♪
582
00:29:14,520 --> 00:29:16,520
♪ Of thee I sing ♪
583
00:29:17,360 --> 00:29:18,480
♪ Today! ♪
584
00:29:18,560 --> 00:29:21,000
♪ Of thee I sing ♪
585
00:29:21,080 --> 00:29:22,560
♪ Today! ♪
586
00:29:24,920 --> 00:29:26,320
♪ Today! ♪
587
00:29:28,680 --> 00:29:30,080
♪ Today! ♪
588
00:29:32,480 --> 00:29:33,720
♪ Today ♪
589
00:29:36,640 --> 00:29:37,680
♪ Today ♪
590
00:29:40,720 --> 00:29:41,800
♪ Today ♪
591
00:29:48,760 --> 00:29:50,840
[song ends]