[eerie music playing]
[helicopter blades whirring]
[Cho chuckles]
This is awesome, man!
I've always wanted to be kidnapped.
It's been one of my dreams.
So bucket list, bitch. [chuckles]
You guys mind telling me where we're going?
No? Okay, cool. Spoils the mystery. Yep, respect.
Apply the blindfold, please.
Blindfolds!
Okay. Yes, please. [chuckles]
My safe word is "excelsior."
[sings high note]
Oh, it's the pilot.
Why is it on the pilot? Is this like a Fifty Shades type deal?
No, I'm just saying if you want me to fuck the pilot,
I'll totally fuck the pilot. I fucked a lot of pilots in my day.
Helicopter pilots, airplane pilots,
actors during pilot season.
[woman] Remote landing sequence has begun.
-[helicopter engine accelerates] -[action music playing]
Ah!
Whoo!
Nice!
I have such a boner right now!
[system beeps]
[system beeps, plays melody]
How you doin', playboy? [chuckles]
Who set me up?
It was Bezos, right? [chuckles]
[heroic music playing]
Wow!
I'm digging this music.
Oh my God, look at you.
Look at this. Getting taller.
[inhales] And then to you.
Adorable!
Oh! [gibbering]
[chuckles] I'm kidding. I'll see you at the food court.
[gasps]
Oh! Whoa! Oh, oh, oh! [groans]
[chuckles] Okay. Okay. Mmm.
We are the--
Uh… Oh, the Illuminati?
No, no, no. We are the--
Oh, uh, you're the Masons.
The fucking Pentaverate!
The Pentaverate, asshole.
[Shep] Yeah. He's a total schmuck.
The Penta-what-the-fuck?
[dramatic music playing]
[narrator] In 1347--
Now, what did I tell you? Don't skip the intro!
It's not just a cut-and-paste job, you know?
When you hire Jeremy Irons, you get a bespoke performance,
not just any old shit.
So… [inhales, clears throat]
…by now we know the show's about five men and a secret society called
the Pentaverate, who are nice.
Well, four men now,
because someone went and killed Professor Clark. [chuckles]
Didn't see that coming, did you?
No, nor did I, to be honest with you.
Fucked me right up.
Anyhoo, on with the show.
[music fades out]
[news theme music plays]
[Maria] Good morning, Pentaverate!
The time is 6:00 a.m. in New York, 12:00 p.m. in Dubrovnik.
A reminder, The Meadows is just one day away.
I'm Maria Menounos.
[horns honking]
[Anthony] Wake up, sleepyhead.
[cans crinkle]
[Rex] ...where they fashion condoms made out of corn husks
and exchange names if you tell them…
[farts]
Ooh! You know, if you're sick, you should go see a doctor.
[chuckles] This one's a firecracker.
[farts]
Just fucking with ya.
[rattling loudly]
Ten-hut!
Up and at 'em, you sorry sacks of shit!
[rattling loudly]
What an all-singing, all-dancing Broadway shit show!
And you, Lefty. You stand up straight.
It's like watching Humpty-Dumpty trying to un-fuck himself.
Hey, don't call him that!
Well, well, well, what do we have here?
Little Lord Fuckleroy.
Where were you born, son?
Well, actually, I was born in Toronto.
No.
You were born in your mother's ass.
Well, that's less than kind.
And impossible.
You're lucky I don't throw you in the cube.
You want to tell me how to do my job?
You want to wear this sash?
No, sir.
You get out here, and you choke yourself.
You want me to choke myself?
Legally, I can't.
But you can choke yourself.
[inhales]
-[yells] -[bones crack]
Let go of me, or I will end you.
-[bones continue to crack] -[yells]
Mercy.
[groans]
What kind of bullshit was that?
It's called Defendo.
-Defendo? -Yeah, it's Canadian martial arts.
I learned it in the Canadian Army.
I use your strength against you by hitting your pressure points.
I was just trying to stick up for my fellow Liechtenstein Guard.
Hmm.
All right, you dolphin lickers,
this man here is gonna teach you the Canadian art of Defendo.
He already taught you one lesson.
The Liechtenstein Guard are a band of brothers.
Are we clear?
[all] Pikeman, yes, Pikeman.
I said, are we clear?
[all] Pikeman, yes, Pikeman!
I'm gonna go drop the kids off at the pool.
As you were.
Hoo-ah!
[whimsical music playing]
-[man] Thank you. -Hey, you're welcome. It was nothing.
[indistinct chatter]
You know, it's just a thing called Defendo.
Welcome aboard. We're happy to have you.
Still dreamy after all these years, am I right?
I'd pay good money to have that face.
Truth! [chuckles]
You're joining the Pentaverate at an exciting time,
when we no longer use scalding
or maiming,
but, of course, if you're a traitor, we will put your fucking head on a pike.
[dramatic music plays]
[chuckles] I mean, come on, it just makes sense.
[all chuckling]
And remember,
the Pentaverate must never be exposed.
[all together] The Pentaverate must never be exposed.
So now you know who we are and how we operate. Any questions?
Nope. Got it, man. I am super psyched to be here.
And head on a pike?
Nice touch.
-Thank you. -Well, that was easy.
You picked a good one, Bruce.
And you know you must eschew your previous life, Mr. Cho?
Oh yeah, copy that. I have some casinos,
I'm a billionaire, but I'm bored.
I'm in a midlife crisis.
It's either join the Penta-Verdes or join a gym.
-You know what I mean? -And your fake death.
-MENTOR? -[upbeat music plays]
-[MENTOR] Check this shit out. -[Cho laughs]
Died with a hooker and an eight ball!
Nailed it! Oh! [chuckles]
Professor Clark's death, however, was very real.
There's a deepening sense of crisis running through these walls.
One hesitates to mention
the Demetrius Protocols.
-[gasps] -The Demetrius Protocols?
The Demetrius Protocols?
[mimicking] The Demetrius Protocols?
[mutters in Russian]
Sounds like fun.
[Mishu] No! No! No!
Demetrius Protocols is doomsday plan
should Pentaverate fall into nefarious hands.
Then we all kill ourselves using our cyanide pills.
-Yeah. -Is not good. [mutters in Russian]
Oh, I get it.
A guy died, so you've got some human resources issues.
But don't worry, because this crazy, rich Asian is ready to rock and roll!
Are ya ready to rock?
[high-pitched] ♪ Are you ready to rock? ♪
I have no idea what he's saying.
The man's a nutter.
[news theme music plays]
I'm Maria Menounos for Pentaverate TV.
Always current, always on.
We pay our respects to the late professor Hobart Clark,
the most recent initiate to the Pentaverate
and many members' first Black friend.
Professor, we hardly knew you.
[gentle music playing]
The Pentaverate has… [in singsong] …a potential new member.
Skip Cho.
Owning the largest casino in Asia,
this billionaire is a real high roller
when it comes to understanding the chaos theory of weather patterns.
Climate change is about to get solved.
This shit is getting real. [chuckles]
I'm Maria Menounos.
Here we are at the Pentaverate.
There's plenty of things to do, whether you're in the Liechtenstein Guard
or whether you've--
-[Anthony] Ken! Ken! Are you alone? -Yes.
Ken, when we meet tonight,
I'll off-load the SD card and get the footage to Mrs. Snee.
-We're gonna get your job back! -[radio static]
Ken! Ken!
We have to see the Pentaverate members themselves!
I just haven't had a chance to.
You have to find a way to get into that fucking main chamber, kid!
There's gotta be someone who can get you in.
Yeoman Doll, you know what you did today?
-[Anthony] Ken, who is that? -[radio static]
I can't say.
You can't say?
Then I'll tell ya.
-Hell, you impressed me! -Thank you, sir.
[Anthony] That sounds like your guy. Over and out.
[radio static]
You stood up for one of your own.
A true Liechtenstein Guard.
I like the cut of your jib.
You come with me.
I've got a special job for you.
-Hoo-ah! -[feedback squeals over radio]
[indistinct chatter over speaker]
[Maester] Strangely, both men had brown eyes,
which postmortem, turned blue.
Ergo--
-Yes, Maester? -No, I'm saying "therefore."
I can determine cause of death to be poison.
Most likely sap of tree native to Dubrovnik,
the Donette tree.
Highly poisonous.
The Donette's sap, it, uh, first make victims thirsty.
Then Donette makes you have chest palpitations.
And finally, at death,
Donette makes your brown eyes blue.
"Donette make your brown eyes blue"?
Exactly.
That is what Donette does.
Okay.
-And so-- -Yes, Mae--
No, no, no!
Again, I was just saying, "And so."
I specifically hit the "D" very hard.
[splutters] So…
[ominous music plays]
…one of you
is the murderer… er… er… er…
Any one of you
could have murdered Jason Eccleston
and Professor Clark.
Mishu.
You are familiar with my book of poison.
This is not fair!
Every time poison is mentioned,
it's always, "Blame the Russian, blame the Russian."
Yeah, that's just crazy.
Go piss up a rope.
Bruce, aren't fake deaths your specialty?
No.
I loved Jason.
Who do you think gave him his first companion doll?
Me.
Took me hours to blow that fucking thing up.
[Maester] Ooh.
Lordington,
new members are a threat to your position as Centralis, are they not?
[Lordington] No, they are not.
I've been leading this organization for over 50 years.
Not through guile
but through skill.
[Maester] Shep.
You and, uh, Jason were, uh, hey, how you say, libertine.
Sure, we got stoned together.
But when's the last time you saw stoned people fight?
We didn't fight.
We ate.
Woman,
you had very friendly relationship with Professor Clark.
Are you familiar with black widow spider?
Are you familiar with slut-shaming?
[meows, chuckles]
Oh, uh, excuse me. Um…
What about me? Could have been me.
Maybe, like, what if there was, like, a time machine, and I just looped around--
Don't bait the Maester.
I pluck your eyes out.
[chuckles]
Oh, so, um…
so if I Maester-bait, I will go blind?
[laughing]
[slapping hand on table]
I… I don't get it.
Okay, you know what, never mind. It's just… it's a rough room.
[marching music playing]
Down there's the office of the Fimbra Manus.
The Fimbra are like the hands of the Pentaverate in the outside world.
Most fortune-teller shops, really Fimbra outposts.
Ah.
[Pikeman] Now let me show you something that'll blow your mind.
[Ken] Where are we?
[Pikeman] It's the Pentaverate Hall of Achievements.
Galileo's telescope
and Gutenberg's movable type.
And there's the polio vaccine.
But that all pales in comparison to the Pentaverate's greatest achievement,
which is right there.
[Ken] What is it?
It's a ball bearing.
[heroic music playing]
-That's it? -What do you mean, "That's it?"
Show a little respect, kid.
Without the ball bearing, there'd be no cars, railroads, aircraft, or tanks.
Hell, the US Air Force lost more men
bombing the Nazi ball bearing factory in Schweinfurt
than almost anywhere else.
My point is the Pentaverate is like this here ball bearing.
Might seem small,
but without it,
nothing works.
I believe in the Liechtenstein Guard, Ken,
'cause I believe in the Pentaverate.
But I'm gonna give it to you straight, kid.
There is something rotten within the Pentaverate!
I need you to be my eyes and ears.
Thank you, sir.
Come on, I'm putting you on main chamber duty.
[gentle chanting]
Hmm.
You have an interesting stomach.
Psst. Devin.
[Cho] That's great.
-Good stuff, buddy. -[claps]
Give it up, man.
Let Initiato begin.
-[Cho] Man! Whoo! -[recorder beeps]
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa!
I would rather keep my clothes on, thank you!
Unless I can just Porky Pig it.
Haven't worked out for a while. I'm a bit self-conscious about my moobs.
Cocaine! [sniffs]
[Lordington] Behold.
Before you is a choice.
The Pentaverate key and the cyanide pill.
Take the key and join us in protecting the world or--
Key! I'm taking the key.
I mean, I am all in.
[Lordington] The assent has been uttered. Confirmiato.
Shitaverio! [chuckles]
-Oh, look at this! -[feet shuffling]
-Uh, place the pill inside the key. -[Cho] You got it, dude.
Zoink and zoink.
Let us begin Concludiato.
-[Cho] Yes. -[murmurs]
I'm a size 48 small.
This is awesome, man.
[Lordington] You may approach the Da Vinci lock.
-MENTOR! -[upbeat music plays]
[MENTOR] Okay, rookie. Listen up.
Now we take an official vote on your membership.
Here's how it works.
Use your key in the Da Vinci lock to vote.
There's five of youse, so you just need three votes for a majority.
Quick question. This key, can I get a spare?
'Cause I'm always losing stuff.
I mean, just last week I lost my, um…
God, what do you call those things? Daughters.
[Shep] No! There's only one spare key.
The Parce Clavem, which is Latin for spare key.
The Parce Clavem is in the Pentaverate's spiritual birthplace
in Dubrovnik.
This spare key could be used to gain an extra vote
and shift the balance of power in the Pentaverate.
Thus, if any existing member tries to use it,
instant death.
Mmm, spooky!
Okay, claves parare…
[Cho] Ferrari.
[Lordington] …vobis!
-[locks click] -[Cho] En garde.
[bell dings]
What's happening? What's happening? Is it…
And the lottery winner is…
Oh, man, that guy's got a cataract.
Seriously. He needs to see an ophthalmologist, like, stat.
[MENTOR] Five to nothing vote.
The Pentaverate's newest and shortest member, Skip Cho.
The 223rd Pentaveration is in sessioniato.
[staff thuds]
The Pentaverate must never be exposed.
[all] The Pentaverate…
-Pentavera-- -[guard] Shh! Not us.
[Cho] …exposed, yo.
♪ Skip Cho, Pentaverate ♪
♪ It an event ♪
♪ That's elaborate ♪
[staff thuds]
[suspenseful music playing]
[Bruce] Gentlemen!
[clears throat, spits]
The Maester, Mishu, and I have a proposal.
-Maester, if you will. -[Maester] Thank you.
I am confident the killer will be found.
However, for extra protection,
I am installing highly elite security force.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Red Robes.
[upbeat sultry music playing]
Wow!
At least they don't have rocket launchers.
Yeah,
we're fucked.
These men are lean, mean fighting machines.
Rejects from the German porn industry.
What the hell are you doing?
Who are these men?
The Red Robes.
Face it, the Liechtenstein Guard aren't cutting it.
Not cutting it, my ass!
These men are highly trained!
Sorry, sorry.
[blade scraping on ground]
Highly trained?
Pentaverate headquarters is my jurisdiction!
Yeah, who in the fuck are you?
How dare you talk to a superior that way?
Ooh, I'm so sorry!
Well, I think you confuse me for somebody who gives a shit.
I am Maester of Dubrovnik, head of ministry, ergo--
-Yes, Maester! -Ergo, no! I will kill you!
Therefore, I outrank you, so you get the fuck out of my face.
Hell, if it wasn't for this prosthetic taint,
I'd drop ya right here.
Well, you'd better fuck off when I do my investigation.
Be gone with you. [chuckles]
Gentlemen! Gentleman! Gentleman! Decorum!
Pikeman Higgins,
the Red Robes are here to offer us extra security.
I suggest you alert your Guard.
You'll pay for this.
All of you!
Good luck with that, fuckboy. [chuckles]
This one is from ConConCon.
ConConCon?
Yeah, Connecticut Conspiracy Convention.
I think you might be addicted to conspiracy.
Well, I used to be addicted to QAnon,
and then I went to QAnon-anon.
But I found out that even that's a hoax.
Conspiracies are everywhere.
Look what the Pentaverate did to our currency, right?
Normal five-dollar bill, right?
Right.
Wrongo!
You fold it this way, you fold it that way,
you fold it this way, and lookee here what we have.
The five.
Like the five members of the Pentaverate.
It's right there!
Think about it.
Why would they put a five right there?
To indicate that the bill has a monetary value of five American dollars?
It's like they're taunting us!
-[radio static] -[Ken] This is Kilo Echo November.
Do you read me?
Ken, how's it going? Are we still on for a meeting tonight?
We are so close to exposing these Charlie Uniform November Tangos.
-[radio static] -[Ken] Yeah.
You'll never believe what I just saw.
[Anthony] Did you catch them sucking each other's blood?
Did you grab any adrenochrome?
Well, no, actually. They're, uh…
They do some pretty good things though, eh?
-[Anthony] Oh my God, he's brainwashed. -[radio beeps]
Listen, I gotta make like a baby and head out.
I'll see you by the entrance.
[gentle music playing]
[Higgins] Over here, soldier.
[dramatic music plays]
Holy jumpin'!
What the hell happened here?
[Higgins] The Maester and his lackeys have been murdered.
Murdered?
Look.
The Maester left a message in his own blood.
[Ken] "Parce Clavem"?
That's the spare Pentaverate key in Dubrovnik.
It must be a sign.
I'm taking matters into my own hands, Yeoman Doll.
We're going to Dubrovnik to get that key.
-But, sir, I was-- -That's an order!
-But, sir, I have-- -It's time for you to shine, kid!
-[radio beeps] -[Anthony] Ken, are… are you there?
Ken, where are you?
[Higgins] Hoo-ah!
[Anthony] Ken, what is going on?
I'm being sent to Dubrovnik. I repeat, sent to Dubrovnik.
What's Dubrovnik?
Is that a euphemism for being probed in your no-no hole?
No. No!
Yes! Yes!
If that key gets into the wrong hands, we're doomed.
Now, go!
Hey, quit poking me.
It is being probed in your no-no hole.
You're being probed in your no-no hole!
[announcer] Musk departure for Dubrovnik, T-minus one minute.
-Damn, it's the Sasquatch! -[growls]
Oh my God.
-It's even bigger and hairier up close. -[radio static]
[Sasquatch growls]
-Ow! -[growls]
[growls loudly]
[announcer] Musk cleared for departure.
All clear here.
[announcer] Five, four, three, two, one.
[upbeat electronic music playing]
[music ends]