The orgy will begin in half an hour.
Lube is available near the make-your-own-pasta station.
I'm Maria Menounos.
In a few short hours,
we'll be the richest human beings in the history of mankind.
-Go check on Ken Scarborough. -Gunter!
Is your name even Reilly?
Yes. Let me explain.
There's a power struggle going on in the Pentaverate right now.
Bruce and Skip are trying to destroy everything we stand for.
Lordington, Mishu, and Shep want to save it.
Sorry. I'm jumping ahead.
I was recruited into the Fimbra Manus from Cambridge.
I was thrilled to be part of a secret organization
that was actually doing good
and trying to create the kind of world that I wanted to live in.
Of course, then I meet the top guys,
and it's just old white man after older white man
after older, whiter, richer man after oldest, whitest, richest man.
I mean, if the most diversity in your group is Russian,
you just know it's gonna be the usual deal,
which is tons of diversity on the lower levels,
then you bang your head on that old, white ceiling.
They were never gonna let us be part of making decisions
in a world that's made up of a lot more us's than thems.
-Three-sixty, yeah. -Patty.
So I went to see Patty,
because she's been fighting for diversity for years.
Of course, she's not in the inner circle, but she did get me in to see Lordington.
I thought my head was gonna be spiked like a kebab for speaking out, but no.
They asked me to head up a secret mission,
so secret that no one else outside the room knew about it.
All I was told was, "Go to Canada."
"Find this individual. Get him into the Liechtenstein Guard."
I know, right?
Another old, white man.
I'm not that old.
But Patty said Lordington was the only one she trusted.
He had a plan, and he was my only hope.
But first, I had to learn how to be Canadian.
Again.
Sorry, but the moose is loose around the house.
Next sentence.
-My mom says my dog is conceited, eh? -Take that one again, but slow it down.
-My mom says my dog is conceited, eh? -Great.
Then I went to learn everything I could about Ken Scarborough.
I knew I was gonna need some help
getting you to follow a story all the way to the States.
He didn't know it, but I used Anthony to get you excited about the Pentaverate.
The man with the mustache worked for me all along,
because, well, nothing lures someone into an adventure
like a mysterious mustachioed man with a menacing memo.
And Captain Whitford's one of ours as well.
Sorry. You know him as Sammy.
Once you got the fob,
I managed to fast-track you into the Guard in Higgins' office.
I have no idea why you still got the tug test.
But then things got out of hand.
Jason was murdered.
And so was the Pentaverate's first Black member.
Lordington told me to hold fast as our plan could still work,
but after the Maester was killed, I didn't think you'd be sent to Dubrovnik,
and nobody expected you to fuse with the spare key.
So, the mustache man and I were able to help you escape.
But yet again…
Oh, shit.
…Bruce was one step ahead.
So here we are.
And now The Meadows have started.
This can't just be about diversifying.
We now have to save the whole world from Bruce.
But basically,
you lied to me, Reilly.
How am I supposed to trust you now?
I'm so sorry, Ken.
You were my mission,
but as I got to know you, I understood why you were the mission.
I can see the truth and goodness in your heart.
It's a lot to process.
You know, like five minutes ago, I was in Toronto trying to get my job back.
What happens next?
I don't know the next steps of the plan,
but I trust that whatever Lordington and Patty are up to,
it's for the greater good. Please.
I really do believe in you.
And I believe in you, kid.
-Is he part of the plan? -No.
What's going on down there?
"I'm breaking you out. Count to three, then duck."
One, two,
three.
We'd better get moving.
Save the Pentaverate!
In 1347,
blah, blah, blah.
Fuck it.
Shit!
Stop the Canadian!
Run!
Freeze!
-This way! -No, this way!
Please find your seats.
The Meadows' main presentation will be starting shortly.
And please beware the moon door.
-You could fall to your certain death.
Reilly?
Stop!
No clothes allowed in the orgy room.
All right. Well, you see, a buddy of mine's inside, and I'm just about to--
Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh.
Strip.
Well, we tried to give Mr. Myers creative license,
but, again, he's abused that privilege.
Nobody needs to see his button on a bush.
So we're gonna blur any nudity in this next scene
using our state-of-the-art pixelation algorithm, Fix-Plix.
Now, we're still beta testing it, but let's try it now.
See if we can pixelate this filthy, filthy scene.
Oh, yeah. Thank you so much.
Hey, buddy. How's it going? Good?
Oh, sausages!
Hey, I'll have one of those, yep!
-Goddamn it!
Goddamn it!
As you can see, there are still some bugs to be worked out.
Reilly, what happened to you?
What happened to me? What happened to you?
I hear the Canadians.
-Let's go! This way. -Okay.
Left, left, left, left, left!
The Liechtenstein Guard?
Holy crap, it's Ken.
-And a woman.
What are you guys doing?
We're no match for the Red Robes,
so why don't you pull up a chair and play Ticket to Ride.
You guys are the Liechtenstein Guard. Have you no dignity?
With all due respect, Ken,
we're not the ones wearing an upside-down T-shirt diaper.
Get me a shield.
And a uniform.
Thank you.
Have you guys lost sight of what you stand for?
-Face it, Ken, it's over. -Over?
Smitty, who gave you a place that you can call home
after you were out on the streets?
-The Liechtenstein Guard. -Yeah.
Anderson, when your mom died, who gave you a shoulder to cry on?
-Liechtenstein Guard. -Yes.
-We're gonna do this for Higgins. -Yes!
We can beat those Red Robes!
Yes!
-Because who are we? -The Liechtenstein Guard!
I'm sorry, I can't hear you. Who are we?
The Liechtenstein Guard!
This is my crossbow.
There are many like it, but this one is mine.
Without my crossbow, I am useless.
My weapons are old-timey,
but my commitment to the Pentaverate is not.
I care not if I'm killed by automatic gunfire.
Or grenades.
Or rocket launchers.
To the Liechtenstein Guard!
-Let's go! Let's go!
-There you are!
You made it. You made it. G'day.
Oh! Don't you all look wonderful tonight.
-Yes!
Oh, Angela Merkel has just entered.
Let's give a big round of applause for Angela Merkel!
I've known Ang for many years.
She always likes a warm hand on her entrance.
Thank you.
Well, here we are at The Meadows, which is a big part of the Pentaverate calendar.
We've had a particularly fantastic year this year.
We've tackled one of humanity's greatest problems.
Climate change!
We've done that with the help of our supercomputer, MENTOR,
the gold standard of truth.
It is too bad
that the people are too stupid to deserve the truth.
Yeah, that's right, I said stupid.
They're so stupid that they give away their privacy online
just to be mindlessly entertained.
So stupid that they give away their personal data
just to have that data weaponized against them, and they don't care.
They don't deserve the truth.
But you do.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you MENTOR!
Wow!
With these three keys,
I now control the Pentaverate.
So tonight,
I'm selling off MENTOR,
its truth,
its known facts,
to the highest bidder.
Fine.
Go! Who needs you?
Don't let the door hit you where the good Lord split you.
Now, for the rest of you that want to stay,
do you have a fact in your past you'd like to have removed from the public record?
Don't worry, MENTOR is your friend.
Or maybe you're a do-gooder, and you want to actually solve climate change.
But more than likely, if you're still here,
you're looking for scientific proof that there never was climate change.
It doesn't matter to me.
So let's start the bidding, shall we?
The bidding starts at 17 trillion dollars.
Do I hear 18?
Do I hear 19?
Do I hear 20-teen?
-Hey, Bruce. -Twenty-one-teen?
Bruce. The Canadian's escaped.
Escaped?
Escaped? How the fuck did that happen?
Don't worry. He's no match for the Red Robes. They got this.
Twenty-two-teen.
Tallyho!
Make ready.
Fire!
Let's get out of here! Move it! Move it! Come on!
Shield formation!
Second formation!
Fire!
Right in the schnitzel!
-Yeah! -31-teen, 32-teen.
-Let's go!
-What is going on here, Baldwin? -Nothing to be concerned about.
Let's just keep the bidding going, shall we? Going once!
-Let's go!
Hands up! Hands up! Hands up! Everybody, I said hands up!
Fucking hell.
Your Red Robes have been defeated, Bruce.
Holy shit,
there really is a Meadows!
Bruce Baldwin!
I knew you were in the Pentaverate.
Well, well, well. Anthony Lansdowne.
You know my name?
Of course I do. You conspiracy nuts were the easiest people to control.
You don't control me.
-I'm a free man. -Wanna bet, mate?
You're not a free man.
You're a slave.
You're a slave to every conspiracy theory
that says that there's an other keeping you down.
An other who took your job,
your tax dollars,
your culture, your country.
So you all get together and dress alike and make up your own flags.
Well, I've got news for you.
There is no other.
There's just you.
You're why the American dream passed you by.
But…
What the blazes is going on here?
Ah, there you are. Just in time.
Okay, Bruce, we've heard enough. Hands out.
-Okay, there you go. Now, nobody move! -No!
-Or the sheila gets it!
Prepare the Da Vinci lock.
Everybody, back off.
Don't do anything crazy, Bruce.
Too late now, mate.
You forced my hand when you forced me into this Pentaverate hellhole.
-Putin. -Da.
You're the highest bidder. Going once, going twice, going three times. Sold!
Game, set, and match, motherfucker.
Three keys, Ken.
Take theParce Clavem,
'cause now only you can use the fucking key.
Put the key into the Da Vinci lock, or I blow her fucking head off.
Don't do it, Ken! I'm willing to die for the betterment of humanity.
Reilly lied to you, Ken. The Pentaverate's a bad organization.
You got red-pilled, but you can take the blue pill again.
Forget all about this.
You can stay local, you can go back to your old life,
and leave the big world stuff to us.
You're a good man, Ken.
Do the right thing.
-Turn the key, my friend. -Don't do it. Don't do it.
Turn the key
on three.
One.
Don't do it, Ken.
-Two. -Stop "cunting."
Three.
No!
What have you done?
The Pentaverate must never be exposed.
The people need to trust the experts.
But the experts need to serve the people.
That was a really great speech.
You made a compelling case.
I'm only kidding.
I'm taking this little lady hostage, and I'm getting out of here.
-Hey, Bruce! -What the--
Freedom!
-Oh! -But what about her emails?
-Ah! -Bloody hell!
-See you later, Bruce. -See you next fall.
-Ken! -Oh! There you are.
Shep, Mishu,
I motion to enact the Demetrius Protocols.
Seconded.
-Affirmed. -Observed.
-Claves. -Wait, no! No! Put down the keys!
Parare. -Wait, stop! What are you doing?
-Vobis.
Don't destroy the Pentaverate!
Holy crap! The Demetrius Protocols…
- …have been enacted.
Ah! Out of my way!
Patty, as you know, the Demetrius Protocols exist
in the event that the Pentaverate should fall into nefarious hands.
The world has changed.
The Pentaverate has not.
We have become those nefarious hands.
In the words of Alice Cooper,
"Sometimes you gotta know when to get off the stage."
School's out…
forever.
No, Shep! Shep, wait!
The Demetrius Protocols have been enacted.
I'm getting the fuck outta here.
The Demetrius Protocols have been enacted.
Ah. Hello!
The Demetrius Protocols have been enacted.
Shit, let me out!
I'm Maria Menounos!
The Demetrius Protocols have been enacted.
Reilly, thank you for delivering us the soul that will save MENTOR.
Initiating new soul transfer procedure.
I don't understand.
That Canadian, he has kindness in his heart,
as is the way of his people.
MENTOR needs a soul.
Someone kind, someone empathetic.
New soul, Ken Scarborough,
take your position, please.
Wait, Ken, I didn't know that I was enlisting your soul.
You don't have to do this.
You were right all along.
My journey's not over. It's just beginning.
But I realize now that my kindness is my strength,
and if my kindness is what it takes to save MENTOR,
I'm happy to do it.
This is my destiny.
No, you can't do this!
It's too risky.
I'm scared.
You know, a smart person once said to me,
"That's how you know it's the right thing to do."
You're gonna be okay.
Soul transfer subject in place.
Initializing soul upload and transfer procedure.
It's time.
Please. Don't leave me.
You must let go, Patty.
Sir, it's been…
…an honor working with you.
Thank you, Patty.
Thank you, Lord Lordington.
Bystanders, please clear the area.
I understand.
I'm pleased to announce the Lagrange Point Lens is now in orbit.
And that's a happy.
Thank you, Patty.
With our Lagrange Point Project,
we are one step closer to solving the issues that affect our global climate.
Go ahead, KENTOR.
Hey there, Septaverate.
KENTOR here.
The Lagrange Point Lens has been activated, eh?
What are we working on next?
So, next on the agenda,
let's discuss…
And so a new secret society was born.
This group of benevolent experts became the Septaverate.
More representative,
more inclusive.
More
nice.
Here's your peach Bellini, Mr. Baldwin.
Thank you.
So you can see I had the Face/Off surgery to look like Rob Lowe.
Did you think you could get rid of me so easily?
Cheers, mate.
During his distinguished acting career,
there was one role Mike Myers has always wanted to play,
but fate never gave him that opportunity.
But today, thanks to the magic of television, his moment is at hand.
Here we are at Queen's Park.
Glenn Cochrane, CFTO News.
-That's my boy!
-Yes, come here! Yes.
-Yay! Yay to Glenn Cochrane.
-Yay! -Yeah.
Okay.