Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull
The things I do for you.
Excuse me, for me?
Yeah, for you.
Do you happen to have $30,000?
No, I didn't think so, so keep digging.
Otherwise, the next grave we're digging is our own.
Okay, I will keep digging.
For you.
That's just childish.
When you've been in Vegas
for as long as I have, you think you've seen everything,
but nothing prepared me for this.
Look at these two idiots.
They think they can solve all their problems
by digging up the corpse of Charlie Chaplin
and ransoming it.
Yes, that's right, you heard me correctly.
Holding a dead body hostage to ransom it.
God knows to whom.
But let me catch you up here.
These two are con-men.
They're not very good con-men.
I'm not sure how you fail at being a petty thief,
but these two are managing it, nonetheless.
And here's why they need the money.
Get in.
Whoa, whoa, hey, wait.
Wait.
You've been avoiding my calls, Cal?
Mr. Evans, thank God.
I thought these were just,
no, we haven't been avoiding you.
We've been busy earning money to pay you back.
Then you've got the full amount.
Not exactly, no.
How short are you?
He's about five foot two.
Terry, don't.
How much is this debt again?
It's 30 grand, Terry.
In that case, I'm guessing we're about $29,980 short.
Wait, wait, wait.
It's just a bad joke, Mr. Evans.
Mr. Evans.
No, hey, hey, wait, wait, wait.
Wait please, Mr. Evans, please.
No, no, wait please, please.
Hey, hey, leave him alone.
Okay, okay.
That's my favorite tooth.
Okay look, he's just an idiot, Mr. Evans.
Please, stop.
Terry, stop.
I don't think your brother
appreciates the gravity of this situation.
Okay Mr. Evans, I do.
Okay, I do.
I'm gonna get you every penny of your money.
If you boys don't get this money pronto,
then I guarantee you'll both be digging a grave
before the week is out.
Let 'em out.
This isn't over.
What now?
Now we gotta brainstorm.
No distractions, Terry.
We're gonna take this seriously.
You realize until the late 1860s,
people thought tomatoes were poisonous.
- No they didn't. - Yeah they did.
No, they didn't.
In fact, they actually made their ketchup
out of mushrooms and grapes.
Don't be absurd.
Think about it.
A grape's just like a tomato in texture.
No it isn't, it's green.
Those who hate grapes.
Is it even ketchup if it isn't made from tomatoes?
- Well, - Got you there.
Thank you, very nice.
Oh my, you've got to love American breakfast.
Stop it.
Look at that, perfectly even distribution.
Stop it, it's weird.
Stop it, knock it off.
You should try it.
No, thank you.
Just eat your food.
Don't know what you're missing.
What?
They're cold.
What's cold?
My beans.
Your beans are cold?
Yeah.
Well, mine aren't.
Well good for you, mine are.
Why can't you just eat them?
You what?
Can't you just for once not be you and just eat them?
What's your problem?
You, you're my problem.
You know that, right?
You eat 'em.
I've got my own.
We'll swap.
I thought yours were cold.
They are.
Then why would I want cold beans?
That's not the point.
Oh, there's a point to all this?
- Yeah. - What is it?
You've made this about me.
- No I didn't. - Yes you did.
No I didn't.
Refill?
Yes please, uh, no, no.
I'm so sorry.
My brother's beans appear to be cold.
How are yours?
Mine are lovely, thank you for asking.
Then how could his be cold?
I said the exact same thing.
Excuse me, I'm sitting right here.
Oh yes, there you are.
Hey Janice, can you do another beans?
Apparently, they're cold.
Two beans?
No, one.
The other one's fine.
That doesn't make sense.
That's what I said.
Me, too.
I'm so sorry.
Refill?
Yes, please.
Tell me, what time do you get off?
Are you kidding?
Uh, no.
Why?
I've just never been hit on
by a priest before, that's all.
But this is Vegas.
But we're not actually priests.
You look like priests.
We're,
we're chaplains.
Chaplains?
That's right, we are chaplains.
What's the difference?
Oh, it's a different denomination.
We're allowed to date priests.
You're allowed to date priests?
Not we're allowed to date priests,
I'm aware of how that sounded.
We're, we're allowed to date,
unlike priests who are not allowed to date.
Anything else?
You understand I'm not gay.
We're not gay.
What's wrong with being gay?
There's nothing wrong with being gay.
That's not what I was saying.
Yeah, but we can't be gay, we're brothers.
So, you're not gay because you're brothers?
No, that's not why we're not gay.
We're not gay 'cause we're not gay.
But if we were gay, we couldn't be together.
Terry, would you,
would you let me handle this and you can.
I'll just wait for my beans.
There you go.
We don't take him out much, you know,
but it's part of my sort of community outreach program,
you know, the older members of the clergy.
There you go.
Well thank you, thank you very much.
God bless you.
Oh, God bless you.
What you have to go and do that for?
What?
Make a scene.
- I didn't. - You did.
No I didn't, your beans were cold.
Yeah, but I don't like to make a fuss.
Well, you didn't make a fuss.
- You did. - On your behalf,
because your beans were cold.
I was being assertive and manly.
You know, that's what women like.
I don't need you to man up for me, Cal.
I wasn't manning up for you, Terry.
I was manning up for your beans.
They were cold.
Ha, ha, ha.
There you go, hot beans.
Well, thank you.
And there you go.
What's this?
That's my card with my number.
You can call any time.
I'm a night owl, so really anytime.
Sorry you're smiling.
It's okay to smile.
Much better, thank you.
Oh, no.
What is that she gave you?
Is that her number?
I think it is.
- You're kidding. - Nope.
I'm gonna eat that up.
We're gonna go straight to hell.
What are you talking about, why?
You hit on her dressed as a priest.
But dressed as a priest
doesn't mean I'm actually a priest, you idiot.
- Still. - Still what?
You think that's the reason we're going to hell?
You have a real short memory, Terry,
if you think that's why we're going to hell.
Listen, good luck, mate.
What?
Come here, you.
You what?
I recognize you.
National Leprosy Day, my ass.
When I got home and told my wife,
her and the kid had a good laugh at me.
Wear yellow for the lepers?
Give a buck, save an ear?
I look like an idiot.
Where's your friend?
I want my goddamn money back.
No need to get agitated.
Stay right there, I'm calling the police.
Dial 9-1-1, no one's going anywhere.
That's not even a real gun.
Sit down!
I said no one's going anywhere.
I'm sure the police are gonna love to hear
about two con-men dressed as priests.
Actually, they're chaplains.
Thanks for that.
That wasn't for you.
I can't have people shooting guns in here.
You should go.
Here, for the meals and the mess.
Keep the change.
He's not a bad guy, you know.
Him?
Not him, he's a fucking asshole.
I'm talking about my brother.
Thanks for helping me out back there.
Terry, it was an incredibly dangerous scenario.
The man had a gun.
I can't put myself in that kind of danger.
No shit, Sherlock, I noticed.
So why did they stop thinking tomatoes were poisonous?
Oh, when they came back from the Civil War
there was a food shortage.
They'd eat anything.
You're making this up, Terry.
No, for real.
- You are. - No.
Oh, shit.
Better think fast, Einstein.
- Fancy watching a movie? - Sure.
I didn't know it was a musical.
It's not a musical, it's a silent movie.
I can hear music.
You can't hear any sound.
If I can hear it.
You can't hear any talking sound.
Music isn't sound.
But music is a sound.
It's a silent movie, Terry.
I don't know what you're, just shut up and watch it.
Why didn't they let him speak?
He couldn't speak.
He couldn't speak, he was a mute?
Not a mute, he couldn't speak
'cause there was no technology to speak.
That's why there's no sound.
That's why it's a silent movie.
But there's music.
I'm sitting in another seat.
Do you think he had a stutter?
Gotta say, he was really something, wasn't he?
Who?
Charlie Chaplin, Terry.
The guy we just watched.
Who'd you think I was talking about, Vladimir Putin?
I prefer Robert Downey, Junior.
What?
You could hear him in his version.
His version?
Yeah.
His version of the life of the genius we just saw?
Right.
Terry, there wouldn't be a version
of the life of the genius we just saw
if there wasn't a Charlie Chaplin to begin with.
Of course not.
That wouldn't make any sense, would it?
You're impossible sometimes, you know that?
So as you can see,
not exactly criminal masterminds.
But there's never a shortage of criminals in Vegas.
You just have to know where to look.
Thank you, thanks for sending the car.
It's my pleasure.
Car nice, was the driver nice?
Beautiful.
Your wheels, right?
Yeah, yeah, you're gonna love this place.
I'm telling you, tonight you'll be getting
the full VIP treatment.
Can't wait.
Wait 'til you see this little doll.
Lakshmi.
This is Mr. Evans.
I want you to give him a night
that he'll remember 'til he's 100.
- Mr. Evans. - Thanks, brother.
I just think Robert Downey, Junior did him better,
that's all.
Did a better Chaplin than Chaplin?
Yeah, 'cause we could hear him.
I mean, I know that's not fair or anything.
What are you doing?
Oh, I'm trimming Bloom, and then I'm gonna do Bruce.
- Bruce and Bloom? - Yeah.
- You've named them? - Why not?
I'm sure I'm gonna regret this, but why?
Because they respond better to a loving environment
and conversation, that's why.
I don't know why you're bothering at all.
It's legal now.
The government doesn't have shit like this.
These things are worth a fortune.
Jesus Christ.
What?
I'm one good looking man.
I think it's the beard.
If I could bottle this and sell it,
we'd have no more money troubles.
You still wouldn't be Charlie Chaplin rich.
He was rich, wasn't he?
Even he's not Robert Downey, Junior rich.
Well then Robert Downey must have been
a better Chaplin than Chaplin.
Thank you, I knew you'd have to admit that
sooner rather than later.
The day I'm corrected by a fucking,
By a, by a, go on.
- No. - Go on, say it.
No, I told mom I wouldn't.
And in front of Bloom and Bruce, even.
How dare you?
Did you know that Chaplin was worth
400 million bucks when he died?
That's a lot of money.
That's a fuck load of money.
Fucking mega money.
I don't know if you want to witness this bro,
but you might learn a thing or two.
That's never happening, dude.
Did you forget?
Of course it's happening.
She gave me her number, she must want me to call.
We'll see.
- Hello? - Hello?
Yeah, that's it.
You can suck dick.
Yeah, 'cause it's my first time.
Shultz, what are you doing here?
Well, well, same thing as you.
Blowing off a little steam.
Oh, good.
Look, I've been meaning to call.
Hey, we don't need to be talking business tonight.
No, but it's coming.
I got it on the line.
You must have a lot on the line.
No, they're good for it.
Who?
Two British boys.
They got a little scheme going.
What's their names?
Mind your business.
I'll get it.
You will be paid for the delay.
I thought you said we didn't need to talk business.
I'm here to enjoy myself.
You're right, we don't need to talk business.
Why not kill him before the club?
I liked him.
Besides, it's easier when they're sleepy.
Well good fucking thing you don't like me.
Ugh, now he's gonna be heavier.
He should be lighter after the load he just left in you.
- Is Helen there? - Hello, who you want?
Is Helen there, Helen?
Chicken ball special?
No, I don't want the chicken balls.
Chow mein special, right?
Or the chow mein special.
I think I've dialed the wrong number, sweetheart.
I've dialed the wrong number.
- Hello? - Bye.
She gave you a fucking fake number.
The two could be a five.
Yeah, it could be,
or it could be all the numbers are wrong.
She could be dyslexic,
that's why she's written it that way.
I bet, I bet that's what.
Terry, it's the Bride of Frankenstein.
Hey, I hear you two in there.
You owe me money for rent.
She must need the rent money for Botox or something.
Or maybe her 23rd facelift.
You guys can't keep hiding from me
every time you owe me money.
I'll be back tomorrow.
We can add her to the list
of people demanding money from us.
At least the worst thing she can do to us is kick us out.
Terry, you listening to me?
Sorry, I was just reading something here.
Do you know he's buried in Vegas?
Who?
- Chaplin. - So?
Oh, Jesus Christ, Cal.
Charlie Chaplin, who was buried
with 400 million fucking dollars,
he's buried right here in Vegas.
Well, it's a shame he's not alive then, Terry,
'cause we could ask him for a 30 grand loan,
or actually he could donate it to the lepers.
That would be better.
- We could dig him up. - What?
Did him up and sell his body.
Sell it to who?
Highest bidder.
Terry, we can't put him on Ebay.
- Hollywood. - Hollywood?
Yeah, Hollywood.
And what number am I dialing to ring all of Hollywood?
Any of 'em.
Any one of them fuckers would pay to get him back.
- His corpse? - Yeah.
He was worth a fucking fortune.
His corpse.
You might be onto something here.
If we stole his body and held it ransom like a hostage,
anybody that got it back, then they'd be a hero.
Jesus, they'd be legends in their own right,
the people that safely return Chaplin's body to the grave.
I mean, you can't buy that kind of PR.
Yeah, and it'd be really good for their public relations.
We could do this.
We could seriously do this.
Nah, you're kidding.
No, we could do this.
You could be right.
But I'm never right, according to you.
Well mark your calendar, brother.
This might be the first time.
Previously on Age of the Living Dead.
I can't live as a vampire, not anymore.
If you left me, you wouldn't want to see me suffer.
Freeze!
Claire, what are you doing?
Hey, sis.
These are as much mine as they are yours.
It's not, you know that.
We've been through this.
They're in the will.
Dad left it to me as much as he left them to you.
You got paid what you were owed from the will, Claire.
You know that.
Whatever, and it's not Claire now.
It's Lakshmi.
Locks me?
Lakshmi, L-A-K.
Do I look like a lock?
Okay, Lakshmi, whatever that means.
She's a Hindu goddess, goddess of wealth
and prosperity and beauty, and she makes me feel special.
Oh, you're special, all right.
Do you have somewhere to stay?
I sleep at the club.
I see.
I'm doing a lot better, you know, than before.
Okay, that's good.
You don't suppose I could have a shower
and brush my teeth?
Of course you could.
You can see the cogs turning, can't you?
This idiot actually thinks his drunken brother
has come up with a good plan.
Hello?
Hey, you sound British.
Who is this?
I'm a friend of the late Mr. Evans.
What do you mean, late Evans?
Glad I have your attention.
We need to talk.
What are we talking about?
Hello?
Get in.
If I get in that car, will I ever get out?
Hey, let's not pretend you have a choice.
I like this with the evil lighting and everything.
It's very intimidating.
What do you want?
Why so hostile, pilgrim?
I'm here to help.
Okay, help with what?
You or your idiotic brother
owe $30,000 to an associate of mine.
Okay.
And my associate, whom I represent, has just retired.
The guy who gave you the money.
So that debt passes to my guy, and he wants it back.
He's getting ready to retire you, too.
Okay, and?
And, pilgrim, I and I alone can, shall we say,
delay that inevitability.
Why would you do something like that?
Because I'm a helpful guy,
and because I like people like you owing me favors.
Hey, open up that bag.
Nah, I'm all right.
Open it.
Jeez, is that a head in the bag?
What the hell's the matter with you?
Who drives around with a head in a bag?
You fucking crazy?
Certainly helps in my line of work.
Okay, look, I don't have the money.
I would have just paid back the original debt.
It doesn't matter to me if it's you or Evans
or Freddy Four Fingers I owe it to.
I just don't have it, so it's all the same.
I understand that you guys had a scam.
A scam?
Or a scheme.
I've never known the difference between the,
I don't care, as long as it amounts to 30K by Friday.
On second thoughts, maybe a scheme sounds better,
unless it has the word pyramid in front of it.
Yeah, maybe.
Maybe you think you're a cowboy
and that we haven't seen a cowboy in this town before.
Look, I need a week, a week for my scheme.
All right, a week.
I didn't catch your name.
That's 'cause I didn't give it to you.
All right, pilgrim.
We'll play it your way, but don't you and your brother
even think of skipping town.
Can you let me out here, please?
Driver.
Terry, Terry, wake up.
Put your shoes on.
What, why?
Put your shoes on.
'Cause the guy that was trying to kill us has been killed.
Shoes, Terry, but them on.
Well, that's great news.
No, it's not great news, Terry.
Where are your pants?
No, not that Terry, these.
He's been replaced by somebody crazier and meaner, okay?
So it's not great news.
Meaner than Evans?
- Yes. - How mean?
He turned up with Evans' head in a bag.
Shirt, come on.
Jesus Harry Christ.
That's right, we've hit the big time.
Well, what now?
Now we're gonna follow your plan,
after we get some shovels and a van.
We need a van.
I don't have a plan.
Terry, we're digging up Chaplin.
How we gonna find this grave, anyway?
Charlie Chaplin's grave?
Well, what else?
We're not looking for any other fucking grave
that I know of.
His name will be written on the gravestone, Terry.
That's what we're doing.
We just have to read.
That's convenient, isn't it?
For those of us that can read, it is, yeah.
All right, well you do that part.
Why are you so mad, anyway?
That's just how they do it in cemeteries.
Yeah, but I don't like graveyards.
Why, what's wrong with graveyards?
Well, they're wasted space, aren't they?
Taking up all this land.
What would you have done with the land?
I'd have made it a golf course.
You don't play golf, Terry.
That's not the point.
Golf courses make a shit load of money.
This is just a waste of land
for people who can't appreciate it,
'cause I mean, they're dead.
Well, this is a waste of time, isn't it, playing golf?
You reading these gravestones?
You walked right by it.
Well, you didn't tell me to.
We're gonna need a faster way.
This'll take forever.
Well here, let's ask these old codgers.
Be nice, Terry.
Excuse me, awful sorry to bother you.
No bother, we're just here doing our weekly visit.
Ah, that's sweet, someone close?
My mother.
Oh, that's nice, you still come
and take care of it and everything.
Well, she's my mother, so we come
- because we can't afford any, - Yeah, right.
Listen, you don't know where
Charlie Chaplin's grave is, do you?
- Who? - What?
Charlie Chaplin, film star.
I didn't know he's buried in this cemetery.
Yeah, it is this cemetery.
It is, thank you.
Cheers.
I didn't know that, did you?
I can't say I did, no.
- Where abouts? - What?
The grave, where is it?
I don't know, do I?
I wouldn't be asking you the question.
I don't know.
I didn't even know he was buried in this cemetery.
You learn something new every day, don't you?
Where you boys from?
London, Wembley, to be precise.
Ah, where they play the tennis.
The fuck, what is it with people and the tennis?
I know, I know, I know.
Thank you very much.
That's Wimbledon.
- All right, walk it off. - Nice boys.
Very smooth, by the way.
What?
- Somebody close. - Well, it was.
So what kind of criminal mastermind
tells people what we're looking for and where we're from?
Give it a rest.
You think Fred and Ginger back there
are gonna rumble our plan?
I'm sure tons of people come here
and ask that same question.
Who's Fred and Ginger?
They were, oh, nevermind.
Try over there.
All right.
It looks exclusive and expensive.
And they don't play tennis in Wembley.
That's fucking Wimbledon.
It's just the action, Terry.
What do you want me to tell you?
I just don't get it.
Why are people always confused about that?
I don't know, why are you so aggressive with people
that are just grieving?
Didn't look too sad.
Oh, got an interesting one this morning.
What's up?
Multiple complaints about a fund starter account.
Let me guess, IRS collection scam?
Nope.
- Ethiopian prince? - Nope.
No one does that one anymore.
- Fake cancer. - Close.
Go on, then.
National Leprosy Day.
- Leprosy? - Yep.
America has had a leprosy outbreak?
More of like a national leprosy scam outbreak.
I hate people.
I'm getting the nerds in here.
Give me the Cyber Crime unit.
And if anyone finds my car, let me know immediately.
I don't want any charges, just my car back.
Why would someone steal a 10 year old Mitsubishi?
Who knows?
You'd have to ask Lakshmi.
- Who? - Don't ask.
Cocksucker.
Borrows 100 grand from me,
no intention of ever paying it back.
Now here he used it to start his own loansharking business.
He did.
Mr. Evans.
He looks good dead.
He does.
I wouldn't have lent those British pricks
any money in the first place.
Probably spent it all on bangers and mash.
I want my money.
We're working on it, at least 20K.
Good.
This is hard work, digging holes in the desert.
I don't see you doing any digging.
I'm supervising you.
Sorry, sorry.
Jesus, got to work for myself around here.
Get this done, you schnorr.
I would, except you keep talking to me
Hey Billy, a little respect, huh?
Sorry, sorry.
Whoever finds them first gets 10K.
Nah.
I don't know if we're ever gonna find it.
You know Tony Curtis is in here somewhere?
Is he dead?
I hope so, they buried him.
Oh yeah, good point.
Hey.
There you go.
How'd you find that if you can't read?
It's got a picture on it.
Well, we found him.
What now?
Now brother, we turn it all around.
We completely reinvent ourselves.
We be totally unpredictable.
So basically exactly what you ordered last night.
That's correct.
Hopefully without a side of gunfire this time?
Great diet.
Yeah, but this way I get to see you again.
Because you know, the number you gave me
seemed to be a Chinese takeaway.
Well, I covered for you two last time with the cops.
Yeah, we do appreciate that, but you didn't know that,
not when you gave me the number.
This is Vegas.
You can get whatever you want in this town.
You don't need a waitress.
But you're not just a waitress.
I don't want anything else.
Don't make me regret this.
You don't already?
No, it wasn't you.
Oh.
That wasn't nice.
You probably deserved it.
Why?
I don't know Terry, because you're you?
Why do you always get all the girls and I don't?
I don't know, because you've got the demeanor of Eeyore,
what do you want me to tell you?
Fuck you, Tigger.
I'm a nice guy.
Oh, you're a nice guy?
Why don't you rustle us up some cash then?
I'm working on that.
Sure you are.
Oh my God, what is that?
That, my not so smart brother,
is the answer to all our problems.
I beg your pardon?
Our problem?
- Yeah, our problem. - Our problem,
as in yours and mine?
- Yeah. - Our problem?
That's right.
When you took $30,000 of our money,
money that we borrowed from a gangster,
and put it all on a 50 to one long shot
because your horoscope told you to,
that becomes our problem?
Don't knock astrology.
It's a science.
- It's not a science. - I'm a Capricorn.
I'm a Pisces.
- That makes us compatible. - That is so weird,
but you know what, I could feel it between us.
We have that sort of energy.
It's mumbo jumbo, superstitious claptrap and you know it is.
Really?
I'm a Pisces.
You're a Leo.
Now tell me what that is.
I opened a fund starter account for leprosy.
You did what?
The donations are pouring in.
- The donations. - Uh huh.
And how are you gonna get the donations, Terry?
I also opened a Western Post account online.
You're outrageous.
And you always think I'm the stupid one.
How'd you like them apples?
It's wire fraud.
What?
It's wire fraud, you idiot.
The minute you try and touch a penny of that money,
it's wire fraud.
That's 10 years inside, Terry.
- 10 years? - 10, Terry, 10.
You can count, right?
One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine, 10.
10 years.
I'm not going back in there for 10 years.
Why are you such an idiot?
I feel like I'm babysitting
a special needs giraffe or something.
I barely got through last stretch.
That was only 18 months.
And Michael's still in there because of what you did,
so we need a plan that doesn't get us banged up, okay?
And that isn't this one.
Well what, then?
Chaplin.
We have a plan.
- It's over three grand. - Oh my God, no.
This is dead, dead to us like mom is dead to us, okay?
You leave mom out of this.
If you two would like to settle up, I can get going.
Yes, of course we can.
Here, keep the change.
- It's $21.80. - For breakfast?
Yes, so could you just please pay?
Here.
Do I still get to keep the change?
Sure.
No, wait.
I'll see you tomorrow, Janice.
Wait, wait, whoa.
What do you want?
Just a date.
You feel like trouble.
I'm not.
Like a small amount of trouble.
A Pisces amount of trouble.
I could do with less trouble in my life.
I get that, but let me tell you
why I might be worth the trouble, though.
- Wow. - No, no.
Listen to my accent.
Everything sounds better in an English accent.
Is that it, a British accent?
English, English accent.
British accent is Scotland and Wales.
If you've ever heard a Welsh person speak,
it doesn't matter.
I was kind of expecting a list of reasons or something.
A list, I can do a list.
A long list or a short list?
- Long list. - How long?
Like Schindler's list.
I'm not sure why I said that.
I'm so sorry.
Why are boys so stupid?
It's probably just to make you feel sorry for us.
I'll let you know.
All right.
She'll be back.
She has to be.
- She does work here. - Shut up, Terry.
What do you think?
Pretty standard.
Opened a Western Post account using their own IP address.
I can tell you what city, state,
possibly a home address by the morning.
- Why so long? - Glitch in the system.
I could have that for you tonight.
I got this.
You sure about this?
You know a better idea?
- Hello. - Hey.
That's great, I'm just gonna have a coffee.
Not eating today?
No, I'm waiting for a couple of friends.
- I'll get some more menus. - Thank you.
Hey, what's your name?
Helen.
- Hello, Helen. - Hi.
Maybe you know my friends.
British dudes, brothers.
They come in here a lot.
Don't think so.
I'll go get those menus.
You sure?
They have very distinct accents,
so it would be hard to miss them.
I think I'd remember accents.
I think you would, too.
I'll go get those menus.
At least there's a full moon out.
Proves astrology's a science.
- What does? - The moon.
How does it prove that astrology's a science?
Are you actually gonna get in here today and do anything?
I'm supervising, Terry.
I'm keeping a lookout.
Making sure you're safe, like I'm always doing.
Go on, why don't you talk about the moon.
Tell me about that whilst you work.
Tides.
What about them?
- You've heard of tides. - Yes Terry,
I've heard of tides.
Well the moon causes the tides.
Scientific fact.
Okay.
The human body, 90% water, another scientific fact.
- 70%. - Don't quibble all the time.
Fine, fine, it's mostly water.
Mostly water, so what?
Since the moon can affect something as mighty as an ocean,
do you think something as inconsequential as we are
on a cosmic scale won't be affected by it?
That is the biggest load of rubbish I have ever heard.
It's science.
No, it's not.
What about ponds?
What about them?
There's a large body of water.
They don't have tides.
What about the bathtub?
You don't get an extra splish or a splosh
just 'cause there's a full moon out.
Well done, my son, well done.
Wait, wait.
Are we supposed to be pulling or pushing?
You pull him in, Cal.
What, no.
Wait a second, wait a second.
Hey, how are you?
I'm good, I'm just hanging out with my brother.
- Really? - Be there in a sec, Terry.
What was that?
Okay, well then I owe you 200 bucks.
For not taking the bribe.
Look, how about I give it to you later over drinks?
This better not be just you trying to get your dick wet.
You got it.
Problem?
Somebody just asking after us.
No prizes for guessing who that is.
I've got a problem.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Sorry, sorry bro.
Come on, push.
I am pushing.
Dude, what the fuck is it now?
Hey, you called me.
All right, listen.
I need you to do something for me, it's important.
I need you to find two Brits right away.
Names.
I don't have the names yet.
You know what, without names.
Dude, dude, find them, okay?
It's important.
Do what we fucking pay you to do.
Two fucking Brits, they both have English accents.
Hey, where the fuck is my money
for the last two favors I did for you guys?
Michael pays the bills.
He said you would.
Just relax, all right?
We always fucking pay.
You making big money anywhere else?
I'm working a tip.
- What? - On a fraud.
Fraud, I'm not a cop.
What do I give a shit about fraud for?
- It's about leprosy. - Leprosy?
How the fuck could a leper be a fraud?
They don't even have any fucking fingers.
I gotta go.
Hey, find those fucking Brits, it's important.
They both have English accents.
Find them.
Fucking idiots, I'm surrounded by fucking idiots.
Sit anywhere you'd like.
I'll be with you in a minute.
We're not here to eat.
Make it quick, I'm busy.
Is the owner around?
Nope, he lives in Hong Kong.
- Hong Kong? - Yep.
Just waiting for the development up the street to finish
and then it's demolition time.
You the manager?
Might as well be.
The wifi network from this diner was used
to set up a fraudulent account.
So?
It was used in a fraudulent scheme,
which is a crime in the state of Nevada,
and anyone that helps these people.
Every bum, grifter and con artist
around the neighborhood use the free wifi.
They also get their mail too, and we keep it for them.
Can we see it?
What?
The mail.
Got a warrant?
We'll be back.
See ya then, Arnie.
Jeez, you startled me.
What've you got?
Those two brothers you asked me about?
Yeah, what about them?
They in a lot of trouble?
Why?
Just wondering.
Not really.
I just need to talk to them.
I don't want to get myself
into the middle of something nasty.
You won't.
I'm trying to help them.
I'm offering them an olive branch so things
Look, money talks.
If you don't talk, you don't get any.
I could find them for you.
When?
I'll call you tomorrow.
Make sure you do.
Jeez, you'd think the bastard would have lost some weight.
He wasn't that heavy to start with.
Wait, wait there a minute.
Show some respect, for Christ sake.
He's an icon.
Respect?
We just dug him up.
That doesn't mean you have to disrespect him, does it?
This better be worth it.
This thing weighs a ton.
It's a one-time big effort for a big payday.
Just keep moving.
I am.
- Wait, wait. - What?
- Oh, it's her. - No.
I won't be long.
I'm not babysitting him.
You don't have to babysit.
You can go out, you know, or just don't.
Come on.
Sorry.
So, pretty nice place, huh?
I'm not going to sleep with you.
Do you mean tonight, or like ever?
Wow.
'Cause we can order oysters.
I'll stick with a martini.
Good choice, me too.
That's not a martini.
Oh, that's a martini.
This is a Hawaiian martini.
Never heard of it.
It's delicious, you need to try it.
I see you looking at it.
You want to try it, I can see you.
Will you stop talking about it if I do?
I will if you try it.
All right.
- Whoa, whoa. - What?
Wait, you need to remember your life as it is now,
pre-Hawaiian martini.
You're gonna be so mad at me once you try this
that it isn't the very first thing I told you about.
Okay, you ready?
Go.
And, boom.
- It's okay. - You're such a liar.
Oh my God, it's more than okay.
It's a little better than okay.
It is the finest drink to ever touch those gorgeous lips,
and you know it is.
You need to stop hitting on me.
Why?
And stop saying things to try and make me love you.
Oh my God, you love me?
That is so sudden, but okay.
You should try and play it cool, you know?
Knock it off.
You can't blame a guy for wanting something real.
Real?
Well, not fish love, anyway.
- What? - Fish love?
What the hell is fish love?
There's a rabbi and he sees a guy eating a fish
and he says to him, why are you eating fish?
The guy looks back at him all confused
and he goes, I love fish.
He goes oh, you love fish.
That's why you killed it, cooked it and ate it?
And the guy says, oh, you know what I mean.
He goes to him, you love the taste of fish.
You don't love fish itself.
If you loved the fish, he'd still be swimming in the stream.
It's just self gratification.
You like the way it tastes, the way it makes you feel.
Well, that's just fish love.
So much of what's in the world today is fish love.
Somebody taking something from somebody else
just because of the way it makes them feel.
Even if you don't date me, don't settle for fish love.
Did you come up with that?
- No. - So who did?
Wayne Newton.
You are so full of it.
I'm not, he sat right in this chair,
told me that story, made me try that drink,
and I never looked back.
Is anything you say the truth?
Everything I tell you is the truth.
That's probably not true, but I like the way you say it.
Well in that case, Greg, two more, please.
Now you're just trying to get me drunk.
That's also true.
See, we could play this game all night.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
There are some men in life
you're going to come across who are just evil.
I mean, they are brutes.
They are the spies and the type of men that enslave you.
They regiment your life.
They tell you what to do, what to think, what to feel.
They drill you, diet you, treat you like cattle.
They use you.
They use everyone like cannon fodder, but you know what?
They're honest about it.
They are who they are, just brutes, dictators.
They are evil men.
But the people I despise more than them
are the ones that dress like heroes
but would sell you out in a heartbeat.
Detective, how are you?
Fine.
What brings you here?
I have some information
- Not here. - that might be
- of use to you. - Not here.
- Billy hasn't been paying. - Shut up.
- For information I provide. - Hey, hey.
What, are you fucking stupid?
Excuse me?
You're a snitch.
You've been bought and paid for already.
We don't have to pay you anything anymore.
Look, look.
Take a look at it.
That's you taking our cash for your information.
We own you.
We don't have to pay you any money anymore,
but you've gotta continue to pay me with information.
Otherwise I'll make damn sure
that your boss will see those pictures like that.
You need me as a friend.
Maybe you don't need us as an enemy.
You know what?
Get the fuck outta here.
Here, here's some gas money.
Hit the road and don't be bothering Mr. Hynkel anymore.
How was the date?
It went very well, thank you.
Really?
Then how come you're sitting here with me?
Because I am a gentleman, Terry.
So she won't bang you, then?
That is so, so factual.
But it was a classy place, Champagne's.
I was trying to project a classy image.
How classy?
They don't serve Red Bull as a mixer.
- Ooh, that is classy. - I know, right?
Gonna see her again?
Tonight.
Same place?
Why fix it if it ain't broke?
Yeah, that and the fact that you and me
are barred from virtually every other bar in Vegas.
Which reminds me, I needed to tell you something,
and I hope this doesn't come as a complete surprise,
but Terry, I wasn't fucking planning on taking you.
No shit.
- Hey, whoa. - What?
Show some respect, use a coaster.
Do we have any coasters?
You could fashion one out of something,
you know you could, Terry.
I tell you what I'll do.
If and when we sell this guy,
I'll use part of the proceeds to buy some coasters.
So, now that we have said body,
how exactly do we monetize it?
- Monetize it? - Yeah, what it means is,
I know what it means.
I'm surprised to hear you saying the word.
Go on, then.
We're gonna ransom it to the family
or a Hollywood type, remember?
And you have a phone number
for some of these Hollywood types?
Oh my God, Terry,
I'm following the plan that you laid down.
I was drunk.
You're always drunk.
Hey, hey, come on.
It's not a footstool.
Well now it appears it's gonna be here for a while.
I might as well make it useful.
You don't know that.
You got any numbers?
- I'm figuring that out. - Uh huh.
Wait, turn that up.
Turn the fucking thing up.
I'm turning it up.
Get on with it.
Draws attention on his final resting place
here in Las Vegas.
The family has offered a substantial reward
for the return of his body, with no questions asked.
If anyone has any information,
please contact your local police department
or this television station.
This is Sophia Crawford reporting live
from the now empty grave of Charlie Chaplin.
Goddard.
What's up?
Whatever you two got going on,
I want you to hand it off to Napaloni.
I want all available hands on deck for this Chaplin thing.
I just got a warrant for the diner,
the one where the lepers get their mail.
Give it to Napaloni.
This Chaplin thing is all over the news world wide
and the mayor wants whoever's responsible caught.
And whoever these clowns are are gonna pay,
and I want my division to catch him, is that clear?
- Loud and clear, sir. - Yes, sir.
Good, now go catch some body snatchers, now.
Back to you, Bob.
Fuck.
We should call that number.
- No. - We should check
what the reward is.
- No. - Let's just see
what the number is, this could be a quick fix, Terry.
- No. - Why not?
Feels like a trap to me.
It's not a trap, it's on the news.
- So? - So we know it's legit.
Really?
Orson Welles' War of the World broadcast
was on national news,
and that was the biggest fucking hoax ever.
- But this isn't. - How do you know?
Because we have the fucking body.
Oh, yeah.
Who the fuck is that?
Who is it?
Oh my God, shut the fuck up.
Why, who is it?
Terry, I can hear you in there.
Stapleton.
Stapleton, let it in.
- Have you got $750? - For what?
I still haven't paid the rent.
Coming.
You haven't?
- Stapleton. - Cal.
How the devil are you?
Oh, I'm blessed with good health, as is my family.
Terry, I trust you are well?
Any better, there'd be six of me.
Any better, there'd be six of you.
I like that one.
Where's my rent?
Uh, well you see.
I see you have money for new furniture.
No, no, it's just a coffin,
coffee table from the thrift store.
Hey, how much was it again we owed you?
750 for this month plus 750 for last month.
Right, we've been working so hard earning all that money
that we're gonna give it to you tomorrow.
You will?
We will?
We will, yes, absolutely.
Okay, well then I'll be by in the morning, then.
Oh, afternoon, actually, which is slightly better for us.
- Evening, actually. - Early evening?
- Watch the step, though. - Cal, no, morning.
Great, and just how are we gonna have 1500 bucks
by tomorrow afternoon?
I have no idea, but I figured the immediate problem
was to get her out of here
because she kept looking at the coffin.
Paying the rent is tomorrow's problem.
Yeah, but what are we gonna,
oh, it's the leprosy money.
It's almost five grand now.
Terry, Terry, no.
There is no safe way to access that money.
Well, I don't want to be homeless.
And I don't want to call a five by eight cell home
for the next 10 years.
Well, what are we gonna do then?
I don't know.
Hello Bruce, hello Bloom.
No, no, no.
Terry, they're just plants.
They're my plants.
Which you grew to sell.
That was before.
We need the money.
Stop making it weird.
It's not weird.
- Yes it is. - No it's not.
It's a genuine scientific condition.
There's a genuine term for it.
No there isn't, what is it?
Paraphilia.
Paraphilia?
I never heard of paraphilia.
It sounds like necrophilia, where some guy fucks a corpse.
Is that what you're gonna do to the plants?
You're gonna fuck the plants, Terry?
You're gonna upset them.
Fuck you.
Get a black bag.
So, what do you got for me?
Brought you something.
Stills from a surveillance camera at the cemetery
where Charlie Chaplin's body was stolen from.
Somebody stole Charlie Chaplin's body?
It's all over the news.
I don't watch the fucking news.
I know.
So why would I care about this?
The official reward is $100,000.
The family, they're willing to pay a lot more
if this is settled quickly.
Go on.
They added the still from the surveillance camera footage.
What is that?
It's a moving van, Lloyd's Moving Company.
Anybody else know about it?
No one.
Good.
So I figured that's gotta be worth at least 10 grand.
10 fucking grand?
Are you out of your fucking mind?
How'd you come to that figure?
10% of the minimum you're gonna get out of this.
Fair enough.
I'll think about it.
More important, what about the Brits?
I need something more to go on.
Dude, find them, all right?
What the fuck are we paying you for?
You don't.
Fuck off, fuck off.
No ma'am, we're not looking
for the ghost of Charlie Chaplin.
We're looking for the actual body.
Okay, thank you.
You've had how many calls so far?
Over 17,000.
17,000?
Every whack job from here
to Williams, Arizona has a theory.
That's what happens when you put up 100 grand reward.
I had no idea there were so many psychics out there.
- And nothing. - A whole nothing burger.
Vegas PD.
We're sure this is the right place?
Positive.
And where did we get this contact?
Facebook.
- Facebook? - Yeah.
You set up a drug deal on Facebook.
Yeah.
What could possibly go wrong?
I belong to a holistic healing group on Facebook.
- Holistic healing? - Yeah.
You, with crystals and candles and shit.
Oh, fuck off.
With like, meditation and yoga and eating properly,
that sort of shit.
And this is you, you belong to this.
Why not?
Because you're an antisocial, alcoholic,
violent sociopath, Terry.
That's why not.
If we all took a more holistic approach
to our daily routines, we would all live in greater harmony.
It's in the Tai Chi.
- In the Tai Chi? - Yeah.
- You've read the Tai Chi? - Uh huh.
And how'd you do that when you can't read?
Was there pictures?
Hi Terry.
Nice to see you again.
Namaste, Lakshmi.
Likewise.
Hello.
You must be Cal.
Cal, yes, that's me, even though I thought we were gonna
use fake names.
Terry has told us all about you.
Well, that's good.
Us, who's us?
In the group.
The group from Facebook,
where we write down what kind of crime
we're about to commit, great.
Please, leave the bags on the bar.
I assume it holds the wondrous bounty
that Terry has told us about.
We took the liberty of giving you a sample
from our last batch.
Don't fucking move or I'll blow your fucking head off.
Hey, hey, what the fuck do you think you're doing?
I don't know him, so I brought a little friend of mine.
But we're friends.
On Facebook.
Oh, he's serious?
Yeah.
Was he dropped on his head as a kid?
He probably should have been.
Oh, both of you strip.
I said strip.
Now.
And make it sexy.
Dance for me.
Shake it.
Oh, this is awkward.
They're a gift from our mom.
So are mine.
I know that, Terry.
All right, no wires.
Let's get down to business.
Oh, so you're not trying to rip us off?
Do I look like a fucking criminal to you?
No, no, I wouldn't say that.
Good.
And good kush, just like you said?
I told you, it's good shit.
It is.
Not worth what you're asking for it, though.
I'm the one that does the deals between me and my brother.
And I hear it.
So if it's such good shit,
how come it's not worth the six grand we're asking for?
Hey, you told me five.
Not now, Terry.
Market's saturated, and besides, that
cutting, weighing, packaging and reselling.
Why should I do all the work and not get paid for it?
And besides, you're obviously desperate.
And what makes you think that we're desperate?
Terry.
He also posted on Facebook group
that he needed to offload some pot, desperately.
You didn't, did you?
Five grand.
It's take it or leave it, then.
Fine.
- No, wait. - I thought we had a deal.
We do, but not for six or five.
How much?
Three.
- Deal. - No way.
Terry.
I like you, Terry.
You have a gentle soul, the aura of a Leo.
I like you, too.
I reckon that if you and I met in another life,
we'd be lovers.
Fuck me.
No, thanks.
Three grand.
Keep the ones.
Stop, just stop.
Hey, look at me.
Look at me.
So you are absolutely, positively sure
that you have no idea why your van was in the cemetery
the night that body got stolen, huh?
I told you.
I have no idea.
Look, this van had a wrong odometer reading
the next morning.
There was mud in the van.
Okay, that's all I know.
I believe you.
You do?
I do.
Let me go, then.
That I cannot do.
But you said you believe me.
Yes, I do believe you,
but there are two things.
One, I have to make sure I'm not wrong,
and two, you've seen my face.
These fucking things.
Motherfucker, come on, baby.
I'm not wrong, I'm not wrong, and I won't talk.
I swear I won't.
I'm telling you it's the coffin.
I thought you said it was a coffee table.
No, that's what they're using it for.
And they're not goths?
Goths?
Yes, goths.
- You mean like Germans? - Germans?
Like Visigoths.
No, goths, like Nic Cage.
They're English, not German.
There's English goths.
Can we just get back to the coffin?
By all means.
What if Charlie,
the missing dead silent comedian is in that apartment?
Then we call the hotline and collect the reward.
First we take possession of the coffin
to be able to collect the fucking reward.
Then we break in.
I have a pry bar.
I have a key, I own the place.
Even better.
So with everyone plotting
to steal the precious cargo or kill them for it,
the boys hit upon an ingenious idea.
Simply take the body back and rebury it
and pretend it never happened.
And like the true geniuses they really are,
they decided to retrace some dangerous steps,
because they are morons.
Terry.
What?
The door's unlocked.
Shut up.
What the fuck?
Whoa.
That is messed up.
He's got no ears.
Do you think he's a leper?
That was in poor taste.
Yeah, but it's funny.
It was funny, but we need to start
being a bit more respectful, you know?
Why, we didn't do this.
No, but we've done other stuff in poor taste.
What, like defiling a grave?
Didn't defile a grave, we desecrated a grave.
What's the difference?
Well, defile is a bit more, you know.
Like intimate.
You defile that waitress yet?
Oh, no, and stop.
You know they fired her.
All right, we gotta focus.
I wonder what idiot did this.
Don't know, don't care.
They're not here now.
Let's just get on with it.
Yeah, all right.
Hold on.
You don't think this has anything to do with us, do you?
No, why would it be?
You don't think it's a bit of a coincidence?
Not really.
Terry, are you serious?
We took his van to steal
the most famous person in the world's body
and then 24 hours later
after the world's gone crazy with this news
and we've turned into the biggest Easter egg hunt
in the world, he winds up dead and tortured.
You don't think it's coincidental?
Nah, very violent city.
- Well, that's true. - Violent country.
I can see that Terry, but still.
This wouldn't ever happen in the rainforest.
Well, what?
It's very peaceful there.
I was thinking of going on a yoga retreat.
- I'm leaving. - No, don't be stupid.
What?
We still need the keys.
Now don't be a Jessie, just go and get them.
I'm not putting my hand in his pocket.
Oh, you sissy.
Oh my God.
It's okay mate, I'm just borrowing it.
I forgot, he can't hear me, can he?
That, that was in poor taste.
Funny though.
It was funny, but that doesn't make it okay.
It's gone!
What do you mean, it's gone?
Gone where?
Well how the hell do I know where?
It's just gone.
Those bastards must have turned it in for my reward.
- Their reward? - What?
They had it first,
then surely it's their reward.
If they stole it in the first place,
they don't deserve the fucking reward.
Surely they deserve it the most.
Just shut up.
It's about Charlie Chaplin.
What about it?
It's a terrible thing they did.
Yes it is.
Listen, I'm awfully busy.
If you know something, there's a hotline you can call.
I know who did it.
You do?
- No, you don't. - Of course I do.
Like I said.
They were from Liverpool.
Liverpool, England?
They sounded like the Beatles to me.
They don't play tennis in Liverpool.
I'm sure they do.
No, it's Wembley.
Wimbledon?
No, definitely Wembley.
Well, like I said.
There's a hotline you can call.
I'm a little busy right now.
We could certainly use the money.
What are we gonna do now?
Fucked if I know.
We could just dump it.
No, that wouldn't be right.
Why?
Well, because it would be sacrilegious or something.
And digging him up wasn't?
Well yeah, but two wrongs don't make a right, Terry.
Well then?
The whole point of trying to bring him back here
was to diffuse the situation,
you know, to calm everybody down.
If we just ditch him on a street corner
like some random snot rag,
everybody's gonna be demanding our blood again.
We need another plan.
Like what?
We could take him back to the apartment.
I need a drink.
Terry, it's a one-time big effort for a massive payday.
Wait, I swear I heard them words somewhere before.
- Just keep moving. - I am.
Here we go, here we go, yeah.
- Oh bugger. - What?
I forgot the keys.
Again?
You forgot them last time.
Come on, we'll just ram it.
All right, let's go.
Oh, it's open, that was a bit of luck, wasn't it?
That's handy.
Police!
Call an ambulance and forensics.
Yes, ma'am.
This is Detective Bennet.
I need an ambulance at 2310 Sunset Road.
Hey Bennet.
Get me the footage from this CCTV camera.
Oh ho ho, see you later, bro.
Where are you going?
I have a date.
Don't wait up.
What about him?
Well, he's asleep already.
That's not what I meant.
He's not going anywhere, is he?
Look, I'll deal with it when I get home.
We will, you mean.
What?
Well, it's always the same with you.
It's always I 'til you want something.
We have to figure something out.
We will, brother.
Okay, just give me a few hours just to be a human being.
I just need a little stress relief.
That's what the kids are calling it nowadays, are they?
For God's sake, bear in mind
my only source of stress is you.
I love you, but it's you, so just give me a few hours
to be a human being, and you know what?
Meditate, do yoga, do whatever it is you do
to relieve yourself of stress,
and then we'll figure him out.
But pay the rent.
She's coming.
All right, well it's there.
Try not to sleep with her.
Be good.
This better be good.
I could have gotten laid.
- It is. - Good.
What do you got?
That moving van, the one from Lloyd's?
Yeah, what about it?
Did you have to burn his ears off?
Hey, I had to be sure.
Both of them?
It took both ears for me to be sure.
Poor son of a bitch.
Turned out he didn't know anything.
Doesn't now.
Well, that's a given.
So what about this van?
CCTV footage, two blocks from the cemetery.
- Got a clear shot. - Great.
Passenger's face.
Creepy looking motherfucker.
Hmm, you got an ID on this guy?
Sure do, he's a convicted felon
by the name of Terry Deacon.
D, Terry D, Terry D.
You know him?
No, I don't think so.
You got an address, right?
- You're gonna love this. - What?
He's got a brother.
So what, I got a fucking brother.
British brother.
Are you fucking kidding me?
These are the two Brits?
This guy's?
So this address.
Hey, you want to make some real money?
Of course I do.
You've gotta get rid of Hynkel, all right?
We gotta get rid of him.
Whoa, I'm not condoning murder.
I'm not saying murder.
Look, you're a cop, he's a scumbag criminal.
You figure out a way to set him up, we get him put away.
I got just the thing.
What?
Bait.
Terry, come on, I know you're in there.
I saw Cal in the parking lot and he said,
- Stapleton. - Terry.
How's it going?
Good, you have my rent?
- Here you go. - Thank you.
Are you going out tonight?
No, no, no.
Aren't you gonna invite me in?
The place is a mess, all right?
Come on Terry, come on, we can have a drink.
Maybe next month, all right?
- All right Terry, thank you. - Okay.
You're late, pilgrim.
I don't have a watch, sorry.
That doesn't mean you're not late.
Yeah, okay, I'm late.
Also, I don't have it.
Wow, I do have more than one bowling ball bag.
Yet, I don't have it yet.
I should have said that.
You are playing with fire, mister.
I thought Brits paid their debts.
We do, we do, we really do.
What would Mr. Churchill say?
Well not very much, he's dead.
Something your brother will have in common
with Mr. Churchill if you don't stop your talking
and start doing something.
Okay, look, it's coming, it's coming.
Really?
I would hardly come to meet you
if I was just gonna skip town.
24 hours.
All right, that's tight.
So is the noose around your neck, pilgrim.
Let's see what we've got.
Well hello again.
You know him?
I believe I do.
Let's see what else we have.
I recognize that car.
Whoa, good evening, Father.
You know them too?
I do believe Christmas, Easter and Thanksgiving
came all on the same day this year.
Those are our Chaplain boys and lepers,
which means we know exactly where they are.
And where's that?
No, thank you.
What's your name?
Janice.
Hello, Janice.
Is Helen back there or anything?
- No. - Is she coming in today?
No.
Do you know when she's coming in again?
No.
Oh.
You wanna hear the specials?
No.
Hey, do you happen to know two customers
with British accents that come here a lot?
Does that ring a bell?
- No. - You sure?
Yeah.
Thank you, Janice.
You've been very helpful.
You got something?
Yeah, contact with the British brothers.
Bring them to me.
The silent movie star
was rumored to be buried with many personal effects,
including his 1972 honorary gold-plated Oscar,
which he received for a lifetime of dedication to the arts.
The body's whereabouts are still unknown.
Like, he's cute and everything,
but I've got myself to think about, you know?
I know.
Like, he'd sell me out in a heartbeat.
Probably.
Probably lie his ass off to me.
He just wants to get laid.
Oh, no more for me.
Actually, that's for me, but I'd gladly buy you one.
Oh my God, you're Wayne Newton.
Last time I checked.
You drink here?
Let's keep that our secret.
Of course.
Wow, I'm such a fan.
Well, thank you.
This is so unreal.
Cheers.
Can I ask you something?
Sure, anything.
Do you know Cal?
Cal, you mean British Cal?
Yeah, British Cal.
- Yes I do. - Why?
Did he con you out of money?
Oh my God, no, no.
He's a small fish in a big pond.
There's something called fish love.
Oh shit.
What?
You really do know him.
Yes, I really do.
- Oh no. - What?
I messed up.
Well, he's not a bad guy.
What should I do?
Go make it right.
Thank you.
Hey.
There's something I have to tell you.
Is it how handsome I am?
Shut up, I'm serious.
I was being serious too.
There's a guy at the diner
looking for you and your brother.
I took his money to rat you out, but I couldn't do it.
I'm sorry.
That's okay, I think I can guess who he is.
You're not mad?
No, no, no.
It's not your fault, you didn't borrow the money.
Don't read into this more than you should.
I won't.
I shouldn't have lied.
Well, in the spirit of sharing things,
I guess I should tell you something.
Oh?
Me and Terry have a dead body hidden at the apartment.
Whose?
It's a really long story.
Well, as long as it's not Charlie Chaplin.
Yeah, as long as it's not him.
Holy shit.
Fucking pig, I told you not to fucking touch me.
What the hell's going on here?
She's drunk, ran a red light,
has a trunk full of marijuana,
no driver's license, no insurance
and the vehicle registration shows the car
is actually owned by you.
Police brutality!
Thanks, I'll take it from here.
I can't do that.
Sure you can.
Nope.
Don't be such a dick.
It was a one time thing, I was drunk.
And you never returned one of my phone calls.
That hurt.
I'm not even drunk, I only had three bottles of wine.
Really, you want to do this now?
No, what I want to do is what we did before.
Here, now?
No, how about tomorrow night, same place?
Fine, but this is the last time.
Done.
Get these off of me.
See you tomorrow.
Asshole!
Can you believe this guy?
Are you really gonna sleep with that jerk for me?
No, I'm gonna sleep with him for me.
He was great in bed.
That's my sis.
Why'd you ignore his calls then?
Because he's so fucking needy.
Fucking men.
You know what, if I'd know that all you needed to get laid
was me getting arrested, I mean,
I would have done that shit ages ago.
Just get in.
- I'll drive. - No, you're not.
Terry, Terry my good friend, I'm coming in.
Terry, I need to check the fuse boxes.
Are you here?
Drunk asshole's gone.
See, I told you it's back.
I didn't doubt you for a minute.
You said my delusions were bigger than my cup size.
You said you'd only agree to come so you could prove it.
No, no, no.
Christ, I'm gonna get high just driving this thing.
Yeah, sorry, the bag must have split.
Where are we going, anyway?
I'm taking you to my place to sleep it off,
but first I have to make a quick stop.
It's a work thing.
Yeah, no worries.
Walk it away.
Jesus Christ Terry, stop.
What the hell are you doing?
Oh my God, you weren't lying.
I told you I was telling the truth.
I'm opening it up.
Why, why, why would you do that?
'Cause he was buried with his Oscar.
- So? - So we could sell it.
How Terry, how are we gonna do that?
God, I wish you were lying.
How what?
How are you gonna explain the fact
that you have Charlie Chaplin's Oscar?
Or mentally ill,
or something that would make a decent legal defense.
Whatever you're doing, stop.
Give me that.
Are you two?
No, no, she's helping us, okay?
Why?
I don't know.
Listen Cal, there's something else.
I made a bit of a mess.
It's in the bathroom.
In the bathroom I've made a bit of a mess.
Terry, I'll help you clean it up afterwards, okay?
Can you give me a minute to explain everything else?
I'll be right in.
I told you he's not a bad guy.
Look, I can explain.
Okay, I can explain everything.
What the fuck?
What's wrong with you two?
It seemed like a win-win, you have to understand that.
Tell me it is your brother's idea.
It was.
Well that makes you an idiot and him a super idiot.
Okay, so he's an idiot.
He's a super idiot, he's a fucking moron,
and I've been cleaning up for him forever.
It's fucking like babysitting 24/7.
Wait, Terry, Terry!
Shit.
But he's my brother, okay?
He's family and I love him, and you'd do the same for yours.
Every cop, trooper and FBI agent in the state
are looking for you two.
Terry!
I'll have a tea.
Make it English Breakfast.
Janice, I'll take a tea also.
My pal here will pay for it.
Who the fuck are you?
I'm the fuck that you owe 30 grand to,
that's who the fuck I am.
- Get ready. - Yeah, they never do.
I'm telling you something, for your well being,
we're gonna work this out right here and right now, okay?
Any food?
Food?
No Janice, no food for me.
How about you, have any last requests?
No, I'm fine.
- Look, I can explain. - I figured
that the aforementioned 30 grand is not available,
but why don't you just give us Charlie Chaplin's body?
What makes you think I have it?
I have my sources.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Yeah, well I think you do.
You and your stupid fucking brother stole that body,
and I want to know where it is.
If you think I'm bringing any trouble
to my brother's front doorstep,
you don't know fuck all about family.
I know this about family, okay?
I will blow your fucking kidney out your ass
without thinking twice about it.
Now I will take you and your brother will come to get you,
and he will bring the body.
That's what I know about family.
Now if you want to stay alive,
you'll walk the fuck out of here to my car, or not.
Janice, thank you very much.
Let's get out of here.
Let's walk right to it.
So our crooked, underpaid cop
wants to entrap the crooked, overpaid mob boss.
He's only got our boy's fake leprosy money,
but anyone who tries to claim that
will be committing wire fraud,
which gives him what he needs, Hynkel behind bars.
However, surely a mob boss isn't going to risk it all
for five grand, right?
Look, I know we fucked up.
We both know we fucked up.
But everything we're doing now
is about trying to set it right, so just,
- Hey. - Hey.
You need to get down here.
- Can I call you back, Janice? - No.
You really have to get down here.
What happened?
Shit.
Fucking hell.
Holy shit.
That's my landlord.
That's also my landlord.
Oh fuck, sorry.
We have a bigger problem.
A bigger problem than this?
- Oh yeah. - What?
That guy I tried to save you from?
He just picked up your brother and took him.
The one thing you can depend on
with greedy men is that their greed is never satisfied,
so yes, five grand was more than enough.
- Well I'll be damned. - What?
That piece of shit cop has finally proven useful.
Maybe we should put him back on the payroll.
- Yeah. - I have one of 'em.
Good, where?
- In the usual place. - Done.
Billy has one of those Limey pricks.
Where?
Let's just say he's gonna need a shovel.
Good.
Terry.
- Limey prick. - Terry?
If you ever want to see your brother alive again,
you bring that body to the desert at dawn,
- you got me? - Okay, all right.
Give me an hour.
Let's get them out of here.
Come on, up you get.
Some guy took Terry out of here at gunpoint.
- Is this him? - That's him.
Don't suppose he mentioned where they were headed.
I didn't ask.
Are you interested in specials?
All right, just stop.
If you were gonna steal the coffin,
you must have had a way to transport it.
The truck's out back.
- Shut up. - Perfect.
Hey look, I'll make you a deal.
Help me move this thing and I'll cut you in on the reward.
Okay, but we're coming with you.
Partners.
Fine, then everybody's going to the desert.
- Nice work, Billy. - Thank you.
Where's the other one?
He'll be here soon.
Who the fuck are you?
I'm the last person you're ever gonna see,
you little prick.
Not if my brother has something to say about it.
Even if your brother turns up with 30K,
you boys, you ain't leaving the desert.
We didn't bring shovels for nothing.
Stupid fucking Limeys.
Who the fuck are these people?
You all right, Terry?
Kinda.
Who the fuck are all of you?
We want the reward.
What reward?
Why'd you bring them?
I needed their truck, okay?
What, you couldn't borrow a truck again from Mr. Lloyd?
Listen, nobody else needs to lose their ears, okay?
We got the body.
What fucking body?
The body of Charlie Chaplin.
You Limey pricks stole that?
Yeah, we did.
Yeah, we did, okay?
It's not the best plan in the world, but it's ours,
and he's worth 100 grand reward,
so let's just do this and get it done.
Hey, that's our body.
Someone shut her the fuck up.
My pleasure.
Or not.
We're in control here.
You, ponytail.
Go in the back of the silver Cadillac
and get the shovels out.
We're gonna need 'em.
Who the hell is this?
What the fuck are you doing here?
You two gonna tell him, or am I?
What the fuck?
It's busier than Piccadilly Circus around here.
What's going on here?
Thank God you're here, feeling a little outnumbered here.
Everyone needs to put the guns down
and kneel on the ground.
Shoot her now.
Drop the gun or I'll blow her fucking head off,
I mean it, and yours too.
Now drop the guns, drop them.
Call for backup.
- Sorry. - Gardiner?
Now look what shit you've got us into, Terry.
- Shut up. - Me?
Yeah you, who else?
I didn't fucking do this.
- This was your idea. - No it wasn't.
You said dig up Chaplin.
- I was drunk. - You're always drunk.
Just shut the fuck up, both of you.
I've only been drunk once.
Which has lasted 30 years.
What's your point?
How did your country ever have a fucking empire?
I said shut
Annie!
Fuck me, that was a bit close, wasn't it?
I'm telling you, next time we dig up someone less famous.
What good would that do, Terry?
Help!
We gotta get her to the hospital.
Get the coffin out.
I know CPR.
CPR, we don't need CPR.
Get her in the truck, get her in the truck.
She's still breathing.
You're not a doctor.
He doesn't need to be a doctor
to see if she's still breathing, Terry.
She didn't even finish high school.
What does that have to do with anything?
You don't even know what CPR stands for.
'Course I do, critical pressure release.
Critical pressure release?
Sounds like you're having a wank.
So then they just left me in the desert.
I mean, I am a Hollywood icon.
They just dropped me like a hot potato,
but then I guess it doesn't matter.
I mean, I am dead.
It's not like I've got someplace to be.
Suppose it's like I used to say,
nothing is permanent in this wicked world.
Not even your troubles.
- It's him. - Who?
Chaplin, the body they've been talking about on the news.
- The news? - Yeah, and there's a reward.
Well don't just stand there, call them.
This must be our lucky day.
What now, Terry?
We have to get out of this city.
And go where?
Anywhere, somewhere we can start all over again.
You mean again again again.
I believe in second chances, it's calming.
Terry, this has got to be
our tenth or eleventh chance.
Maybe we should have just gone bigger.
Bigger?
Bigger than Chaplin, who's that?
John Lennon.
He's cremated, Terry.
What about Elvis?
We know where he's buried.
Have you gone completely nuts?
- Well yeah, but - You know what,
it isn't even nuts, is it?
You're just drinking again.
Just forget I said anything.
No no, you're gotta be level 10 drunk
to have suggested Elvis.
You ever been to Memphis?
All right, well we should look it up
just to investigate this.
I'm not saying yes, Terry.
Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull