1 00:00:13,917 --> 00:00:15,083 Think about it. 2 00:00:15,333 --> 00:00:16,959 Comfort is like an addiction. 3 00:00:17,250 --> 00:00:19,792 The more we indulge in this addiction, 4 00:00:19,875 --> 00:00:20,959 the more we have to lose. 5 00:00:21,750 --> 00:00:25,625 In the beginning, it was my favorite thing in the world, and I loved it. 6 00:00:26,166 --> 00:00:28,250 But it was just, like, a feeling that I had. 7 00:00:29,417 --> 00:00:31,458 It was like, "You have to get out." 8 00:00:32,542 --> 00:00:34,208 I think he has interesting points, 9 00:00:34,291 --> 00:00:36,083 and it got, you know, it got me thinking about stuff. 10 00:00:36,542 --> 00:00:38,625 He's trying to win you over and keep you right now. 11 00:00:39,166 --> 00:00:41,291 That day I allowed myself to like question, 12 00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:43,083 "What the fuck is going on here?" 13 00:00:44,375 --> 00:00:46,333 This is a group for women only. 14 00:00:46,959 --> 00:00:48,125 Which I did approve. 15 00:00:48,291 --> 00:00:50,583 I believe that you are at the head of it. 16 00:00:50,792 --> 00:00:52,083 I'm not at the head of it. 17 00:00:52,291 --> 00:00:56,124 Questioning him felt like I'd questioned everything about myself. 18 00:00:56,125 --> 00:00:57,500 Were you ever invited? 19 00:00:57,709 --> 00:00:59,166 Well each time I was invited, 20 00:00:59,458 --> 00:01:00,542 I can't speak of that. 21 00:01:00,625 --> 00:01:03,709 Sarah tells me that she is in this thing. 22 00:01:04,083 --> 00:01:06,709 That it's called DOS, and they branded me. 23 00:01:17,667 --> 00:01:20,041 Ok. 24 00:01:25,875 --> 00:01:27,083 Mmhmm. 25 00:01:29,834 --> 00:01:31,000 Mmhmm. 26 00:01:36,834 --> 00:01:40,000 Yeah. Yeah. 27 00:01:40,709 --> 00:01:42,125 Yeah. 28 00:02:24,208 --> 00:02:26,333 ♪ Days we were young ♪ 29 00:02:26,417 --> 00:02:32,291 ♪ We took photographs of everything we could see ♪ 30 00:02:32,375 --> 00:02:35,542 ♪ We had to run from it ♪ 31 00:02:35,625 --> 00:02:37,542 ♪ Priest and prophetess ♪ 32 00:02:37,625 --> 00:02:42,542 ♪ We were nothing we would defy ♪ 33 00:02:43,542 --> 00:02:47,583 ♪ Oh, invisible skin ♪ 34 00:02:47,667 --> 00:02:51,250 ♪ Where is the world within ♪ 35 00:02:51,333 --> 00:02:53,750 ♪ Invincible skin ♪ 36 00:02:53,834 --> 00:02:56,709 ♪ It's how we all begin ♪ 37 00:03:18,458 --> 00:03:20,750 I said, "It's important. Please call me back." 38 00:03:20,834 --> 00:03:22,792 I can't believe she went through that. 39 00:03:22,875 --> 00:03:26,583 What the fuck? Yeah. That's terrible. 40 00:03:29,041 --> 00:03:30,375 Sarah? 41 00:03:30,458 --> 00:03:31,875 Hi. 42 00:03:31,959 --> 00:03:34,542 I want to talk about the thing you texted me. 43 00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:43,625 Sarah? 44 00:03:44,709 --> 00:03:46,125 Sarah? 45 00:03:50,959 --> 00:03:52,417 Yeah. 46 00:03:52,500 --> 00:03:55,291 So, I... 47 00:03:56,333 --> 00:03:58,041 You're having a panic attack, Sarah. 48 00:03:58,125 --> 00:03:59,959 You've having a panic attack, yeah. 49 00:04:01,083 --> 00:04:02,834 So sorry. 50 00:04:26,625 --> 00:04:28,417 I, I understand. 51 00:05:14,542 --> 00:05:16,166 No... 52 00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:30,291 So, this is my first year or 2 of curriculum. 53 00:05:30,375 --> 00:05:32,667 It's uncomfortable for me to see it now. 54 00:05:38,417 --> 00:05:40,709 "Success is an internal state 55 00:05:40,792 --> 00:05:43,083 "of clear, honest knowledge of what I am, 56 00:05:43,166 --> 00:05:45,500 "my value in the world, and my responsibility 57 00:05:45,583 --> 00:05:47,667 "for the way I react to all things. 58 00:05:47,750 --> 00:05:49,041 "There are no ultimate victims, 59 00:05:49,125 --> 00:05:51,667 therefore I'll not choose to be a victim." 60 00:05:51,750 --> 00:05:54,208 That is a key foundational piece for the rest of ESP. 61 00:05:54,291 --> 00:05:55,667 Like, why are you a victim to it? 62 00:05:55,750 --> 00:05:57,709 Why, why don't you get in there and change it? 63 00:06:15,709 --> 00:06:17,834 All emotions are triggered 64 00:06:17,917 --> 00:06:20,542 by the recognition of the difference between 65 00:06:20,625 --> 00:06:22,959 the way we want the world to be, 66 00:06:23,041 --> 00:06:24,875 and the way the world is. 67 00:06:24,959 --> 00:06:27,667 You will become aware that you choose your emotional 68 00:06:27,750 --> 00:06:29,417 and behavioral responses 69 00:06:29,500 --> 00:06:31,458 in all situations. 70 00:06:31,542 --> 00:06:34,792 This is what we refer to as being "at cause." 71 00:06:34,875 --> 00:06:36,667 When you're at cause, 72 00:06:36,750 --> 00:06:39,792 everything that you feel, you cause. 73 00:06:39,875 --> 00:06:42,375 So, no one else can make you feel any way. 74 00:06:42,458 --> 00:06:43,959 I can change my state. 75 00:06:44,041 --> 00:06:46,250 That is a huge, beautiful shift to have, 76 00:06:46,333 --> 00:06:49,625 that I can, I can feel whatever I want, anytime. 77 00:07:00,709 --> 00:07:02,000 Yes. 78 00:07:07,750 --> 00:07:10,041 That's it. Yeah. 79 00:07:10,125 --> 00:07:11,583 It took a few years to crystallize 80 00:07:11,667 --> 00:07:14,458 from helping me to, "this is gonna be my business," 81 00:07:14,542 --> 00:07:17,959 um, 'cause I didn't start making money right away. 82 00:07:19,834 --> 00:07:21,417 The stripe path... it was just a means, 83 00:07:21,500 --> 00:07:24,667 it was a vehicle for me to grow in a measurable way. 84 00:07:26,166 --> 00:07:29,166 So, for example, if you wanted to earn commission, 85 00:07:29,250 --> 00:07:32,083 you were to enroll, on average, 1 person a month 86 00:07:32,166 --> 00:07:33,583 into minimum, a 5day. 87 00:07:33,667 --> 00:07:36,083 I heard you're one of the top sales people. 88 00:07:36,166 --> 00:07:38,500 True story. 89 00:07:39,917 --> 00:07:42,875 I went up the stripe path very quickly. 90 00:07:42,959 --> 00:07:45,709 Come on, come on, come on, come on! 91 00:07:45,792 --> 00:07:48,166 It's my competitive nature. 92 00:07:55,250 --> 00:07:59,041 Barbara Bouchey was the best salesperson in the company. 93 00:08:10,792 --> 00:08:12,083 She invested in me. 94 00:08:12,166 --> 00:08:14,458 Saw my sales. Nurtured them. 95 00:08:14,542 --> 00:08:16,083 It's all marketing. 96 00:08:16,166 --> 00:08:18,375 So, are you gonna be part of marketing, or not? 97 00:08:18,458 --> 00:08:20,000 She would even fly me to Albany 98 00:08:20,083 --> 00:08:22,500 when I didn't have any money to get trained with Keith. 99 00:08:22,583 --> 00:08:25,291 Imagine if I found a way to cure cancer. 100 00:08:25,375 --> 00:08:27,333 I can't run up and down the road and yell, 101 00:08:27,417 --> 00:08:28,917 "I cured cancer! I cured cancer!" 102 00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:30,667 And the whole world will rejoice. 103 00:08:30,750 --> 00:08:34,333 I need credibility. Right? 104 00:08:34,417 --> 00:08:38,041 You're going to tell someone you're gonna better their life. 105 00:08:38,750 --> 00:08:40,125 Right? 106 00:08:40,208 --> 00:08:42,208 Who are you competing against? 107 00:08:42,291 --> 00:08:44,667 Everyone in the universe. 108 00:08:44,750 --> 00:08:46,291 You better be good. 109 00:08:48,125 --> 00:08:50,250 I keep drawing a blank. That's ok. 110 00:08:50,333 --> 00:08:52,750 And I know I'm giving you unbearable grief. 111 00:08:52,834 --> 00:08:54,750 It's ok. But... 112 00:08:54,834 --> 00:08:57,625 if you could do it here, you can do it in New York. 113 00:08:57,709 --> 00:09:00,250 I know. I should know this. Um... 114 00:09:00,333 --> 00:09:03,041 Alright. Who's ready to have fun? 115 00:09:03,125 --> 00:09:06,000 Yeah. Woo! Alright. Ok. 116 00:09:06,083 --> 00:09:09,041 So, in order to have fun, we don't want anyone to get hurt. 117 00:09:09,125 --> 00:09:10,417 Raniere: No, it's... Right? 118 00:09:10,500 --> 00:09:12,041 No, not fun enough. 119 00:09:12,125 --> 00:09:14,542 Who here is here to have fun? 120 00:09:14,625 --> 00:09:16,709 Fun? 121 00:09:16,792 --> 00:09:18,208 Come on. Fun? 122 00:09:18,291 --> 00:09:19,875 There you... Ok. 123 00:09:19,959 --> 00:09:21,667 Ok. You should be trying to 124 00:09:21,750 --> 00:09:24,041 turn up their energy level. Ok. 125 00:09:24,125 --> 00:09:26,875 When the audience gives you the signal that they got it, 126 00:09:26,959 --> 00:09:29,458 you move, you move, you move. 127 00:09:29,542 --> 00:09:31,625 Ok, what's this? 128 00:09:34,291 --> 00:09:35,542 9. Ok. 129 00:09:35,625 --> 00:09:37,417 How could I... How could I make this 130 00:09:37,500 --> 00:09:40,583 into a representation of the number 6 with one line? 131 00:09:40,667 --> 00:09:43,709 What I was sold on and what I sold other people was that 132 00:09:43,792 --> 00:09:47,417 they could be the best, ideal version of themselves. 133 00:09:49,542 --> 00:09:52,917 How many times are we limited of not seeing the curvy line 134 00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:57,250 because we think it must be, should be, is, believe it to be straight. 135 00:09:57,333 --> 00:10:00,834 Throw the curtain away from the little guy in "The Wizard of Oz." Right? 136 00:10:00,917 --> 00:10:02,417 We were taught that this is... 137 00:10:02,500 --> 00:10:04,542 it is manipulative, but it's a good manipulation. 138 00:10:04,625 --> 00:10:06,458 You first have to establish for them 139 00:10:06,542 --> 00:10:08,291 how valuable their dream is. 140 00:10:08,375 --> 00:10:10,750 I need to solicit what you need 141 00:10:10,834 --> 00:10:13,250 to even say, "This is how much it costs." 142 00:10:13,333 --> 00:10:14,583 That's what this is about. 143 00:10:14,667 --> 00:10:18,166 How much is it worth to know the little guy in your life? 144 00:10:18,250 --> 00:10:21,750 How much do dropins, uh, cost? 145 00:10:21,834 --> 00:10:24,333 What's the price of what we offer? 146 00:10:24,417 --> 00:10:27,125 Let's say 20 bucks a week. 147 00:10:27,208 --> 00:10:28,709 Now, if you were able to take 148 00:10:28,792 --> 00:10:31,417 as many of those 2-hour classes a week... 149 00:10:31,500 --> 00:10:33,083 Like, unlimited classes. 150 00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:36,917 How much would you pay to be able to take as many as you want? 151 00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:41,000 What's the price of not having it? 152 00:10:43,208 --> 00:10:45,625 And what I believe from what you've told me, Mr. Jones, 153 00:10:45,709 --> 00:10:48,083 is that not only do you have dreams, 154 00:10:48,166 --> 00:10:50,709 but you're the sort of person, it sounds like, 155 00:10:50,792 --> 00:10:52,917 you have a real passion toward your dreams, 156 00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:55,250 and that your dreams are important to you. 157 00:10:55,333 --> 00:10:59,582 I can't imagine that you would sell them for $10 a day. 158 00:10:59,583 --> 00:11:01,583 Sell 'em away. 159 00:11:03,041 --> 00:11:06,750 It's not a question of if we can be a hundred million dollar business. 160 00:11:06,834 --> 00:11:09,208 It's a question of the how. 161 00:11:09,291 --> 00:11:11,750 And how long do you wanna take, and how do you wanna take it, 162 00:11:11,834 --> 00:11:13,583 and how do you wanna do it. Not if. 163 00:11:15,500 --> 00:11:18,083 I was excited about making an actual living. 164 00:11:18,166 --> 00:11:22,375 I mean, up until this point, I was bringing in thousands of dollars to the company. 165 00:12:00,542 --> 00:12:01,667 No, I hear you. 166 00:12:03,083 --> 00:12:04,291 Yeah. 167 00:12:33,709 --> 00:12:35,667 Mmhmm. 168 00:12:39,333 --> 00:12:40,875 Mmhmm. 169 00:13:00,667 --> 00:13:03,875 This is Nancy and her daughters, Lauren and Michelle. 170 00:13:03,959 --> 00:13:05,417 There's a Jewish term... 171 00:13:05,500 --> 00:13:06,917 Do you know what mishpachah is? 172 00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:08,417 Mishpachah means family. 173 00:13:08,500 --> 00:13:11,417 And when you meet someone, it's like, mishpachah. 174 00:13:11,500 --> 00:13:14,083 So, hi. 175 00:13:14,166 --> 00:13:16,208 Uh, is everybody staying for stimulus response, 176 00:13:16,291 --> 00:13:18,125 or we're doing 2? 177 00:13:18,208 --> 00:13:20,417 I think I met Lauren in Albany. 178 00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:22,000 Thank you. 179 00:13:22,083 --> 00:13:24,959 She was the head of education, and I loved having her teach, 180 00:13:25,041 --> 00:13:27,417 because she'd do it in a very cool way. 181 00:13:29,875 --> 00:13:31,125 At the time I met her, 182 00:13:31,208 --> 00:13:33,083 Nancy had talked her up to me a fair bit. 183 00:13:33,166 --> 00:13:34,750 You know, how much I'd love her, you know, 184 00:13:34,834 --> 00:13:36,166 we're both interested in theater... 185 00:13:36,250 --> 00:13:38,792 I think we have a couple of, um, 186 00:13:38,875 --> 00:13:42,667 NXIVM's top 10 most sexy men in our cast. 187 00:13:44,083 --> 00:13:46,417 She was just over a year older than me. 188 00:13:46,500 --> 00:13:49,333 My mom and her mom are both therapists. 189 00:13:49,417 --> 00:13:51,083 We were so similar. 190 00:14:02,250 --> 00:14:04,625 When I came to Albany, we'd go get our nails done 191 00:14:04,709 --> 00:14:06,583 before intensives. We'd shop. 192 00:14:10,166 --> 00:14:11,625 Yay! 193 00:14:11,709 --> 00:14:15,333 It's equivalent of my therapist and superior. 194 00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:20,166 And best friend. It's a very bizarre combination. 195 00:14:20,250 --> 00:14:24,542 And that's who I EMed with. That's who I trusted the most. 196 00:14:28,417 --> 00:14:30,917 Most EMs lead back to a memory, 197 00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:34,667 and it's looking at the belief system that causes reactions. 198 00:14:34,750 --> 00:14:38,291 All the facilitator has to do is fill in missing information 199 00:14:38,375 --> 00:14:40,667 of logic that you didn't have when you were a kid. 200 00:14:40,750 --> 00:14:43,583 The camera's gonna focus onscreen. I'm gonna turn this mic on. 201 00:14:43,667 --> 00:14:46,750 Today what we're gonna do is learn how to explore meaning, 202 00:14:46,834 --> 00:14:49,500 but before we can learn how to explore meaning, 203 00:14:49,583 --> 00:14:51,542 we have to have a good understanding 204 00:14:51,625 --> 00:14:55,333 of the surface structure versus the deep structure. 205 00:14:55,417 --> 00:14:57,542 Like, you know, this cup. 206 00:14:57,625 --> 00:14:58,959 Definition of a cup is... 207 00:14:59,041 --> 00:15:02,208 You can use it to carry, contain, to hold things. 208 00:15:02,291 --> 00:15:04,542 Meaning of it may be this is my favorite cup. 209 00:15:04,625 --> 00:15:06,375 It's a very special cup. It's my... You know, 210 00:15:06,458 --> 00:15:08,333 I don't feel ok if I don't have the cup. 211 00:15:08,417 --> 00:15:10,750 You're interacting with things not as they are, 212 00:15:10,834 --> 00:15:12,959 but as you imbue them. 213 00:15:13,041 --> 00:15:14,709 I used EM with a number of other people, 214 00:15:14,792 --> 00:15:17,875 which I didn't find nearly as efficient as Lauren. 215 00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:21,417 Lauren was, I think, 375 U.S. for an EM. 216 00:15:21,500 --> 00:15:23,959 Which is like, 3 times what everyone else charges. 217 00:15:26,125 --> 00:15:28,709 But Lauren was like, sort of the... the queen of it. 218 00:15:28,792 --> 00:15:29,917 Um... 219 00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:31,083 You have to understand that 220 00:15:31,166 --> 00:15:32,417 somebody comes to you for an EM, 221 00:15:32,500 --> 00:15:34,083 what they say is, "Can you help me?" 222 00:15:34,166 --> 00:15:36,083 But then when you start to get close to the issue, 223 00:15:36,166 --> 00:15:38,875 they do everything to keep you from helping them. 224 00:15:38,959 --> 00:15:40,083 Especially with acting. 225 00:15:40,166 --> 00:15:41,583 It's really hard on the self-esteem. 226 00:15:41,667 --> 00:15:43,208 If you get a part, you don't know why. 227 00:15:43,291 --> 00:15:45,583 If you don't get a part, you don't, you don't know why. 228 00:15:45,667 --> 00:15:47,375 And when you feel that, you make it mean something 229 00:15:47,458 --> 00:15:48,750 that it doesn't mean. 230 00:15:48,834 --> 00:15:50,709 You need to EM that. 231 00:15:50,792 --> 00:15:53,417 And that's why I became such a good enroller. 232 00:15:53,500 --> 00:15:55,917 Because I'd use the tools, and get an EM, and then I'd be like, 233 00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:57,583 "Ok, well, some people are gonna reject me. 234 00:15:57,667 --> 00:15:59,250 "And that's... that's ok. 235 00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:02,333 They're not rejecting me. They're rejecting the tools. I'm fine." 236 00:16:02,417 --> 00:16:05,083 So I became very bulletproof in that way. 237 00:16:05,166 --> 00:16:07,333 That's why you get an EM with somebody else 238 00:16:07,417 --> 00:16:09,959 and not with yourself, because you trust them enough 239 00:16:10,041 --> 00:16:13,041 to take you through a process where you're gonna confront that fear 240 00:16:13,125 --> 00:16:15,792 and come out with more information and not have it at the end. 241 00:16:15,875 --> 00:16:18,500 But if it were up to you, you'd never face it. 242 00:17:20,417 --> 00:17:22,583 Mmhmm. 243 00:17:36,083 --> 00:17:37,417 No, Lauren! 244 00:17:55,291 --> 00:17:56,959 Smile for the camera. 245 00:18:00,750 --> 00:18:03,041 I met Nippy in, 246 00:18:03,125 --> 00:18:06,208 was it 2006? 247 00:18:06,291 --> 00:18:07,834 It was like, who is this guy? 248 00:18:07,917 --> 00:18:09,625 I mean, he was super cute, but I was like, 249 00:18:09,709 --> 00:18:11,166 what's his, what's his deal? 250 00:18:17,166 --> 00:18:19,000 Action. 251 00:18:19,083 --> 00:18:20,959 Who are you supposed to be? 252 00:18:21,917 --> 00:18:23,000 Hmm. 253 00:18:35,333 --> 00:18:36,917 And both of us 254 00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:39,583 drove each other crazy, respectively. 255 00:18:39,667 --> 00:18:42,959 And rolling. 256 00:18:43,041 --> 00:18:44,959 And then we went to V-Week together. 257 00:18:45,041 --> 00:18:46,458 Mark. 258 00:18:49,917 --> 00:18:53,458 V-Week is like the best adult summer camp 259 00:18:53,542 --> 00:18:55,000 you've ever experienced. 260 00:18:56,583 --> 00:18:59,750 V-Week is the trailer of Vanguard's dream. 261 00:18:59,834 --> 00:19:04,291 It's at the YMCA resort in the Adirondacks. 262 00:19:04,375 --> 00:19:07,208 You just descend upon the whole camp and take over. 263 00:19:08,417 --> 00:19:10,667 And we spent the whole week together. 264 00:19:12,208 --> 00:19:15,959 Dancing together, or singing. 265 00:19:16,041 --> 00:19:19,291 We were talking about these deep concepts and philosophy. 266 00:19:19,375 --> 00:19:20,792 You say it better than I do, of course. 267 00:19:20,875 --> 00:19:22,125 What's civilization? 268 00:19:22,208 --> 00:19:25,208 People working together based on principle, 269 00:19:25,291 --> 00:19:27,834 to improve the nature of existence itself. 270 00:19:27,917 --> 00:19:30,959 You know, support the mission. Build community. 271 00:19:31,041 --> 00:19:33,125 This is a mistake. 272 00:19:33,208 --> 00:19:34,583 Celebrate Keith. 273 00:19:35,291 --> 00:19:36,834 Celebrate his birthday. 274 00:19:36,917 --> 00:19:40,041 All of it is in, in tribute to Vanguard. 275 00:19:40,125 --> 00:19:42,750 It's all for you for your birthday. 276 00:19:42,834 --> 00:19:44,709 So, happy birthday. 277 00:19:47,250 --> 00:19:49,583 And then one time, everyone else was, like, 278 00:19:49,667 --> 00:19:53,458 hunkering down to practice their EMs, and I kind of escaped to the beach, 279 00:19:53,542 --> 00:19:55,250 and Nippy and I, um, 280 00:19:55,333 --> 00:19:57,417 were trying to reenact that scene from "Dirty Dancing" 281 00:19:57,500 --> 00:20:00,000 where she jumps, and he catches her like this. 282 00:20:00,083 --> 00:20:03,083 We were doing it over and over again in the water. 283 00:20:03,166 --> 00:20:05,333 And that's when the history began. 284 00:20:05,417 --> 00:20:07,975 That's when the magic started. 285 00:20:08,083 --> 00:20:10,375 Oh, my gosh. 286 00:20:14,500 --> 00:20:18,125 Nancy was there, and Lauren was my maid of honor, and my officiant. 287 00:20:20,333 --> 00:20:22,875 Probably half of the people were from ESP. 288 00:20:22,959 --> 00:20:26,041 Together, you represent a special and integral balance 289 00:20:26,125 --> 00:20:29,542 of ethics and humanity, empathy and discipline, 290 00:20:29,625 --> 00:20:31,041 character and compassion. 291 00:20:31,125 --> 00:20:34,500 Mark and Bonnie had gotten married a couple years prior, 292 00:20:34,583 --> 00:20:36,125 and Keith wrote their vows, 293 00:20:36,208 --> 00:20:38,542 and I got permission we could use them for ours. 294 00:20:38,625 --> 00:20:40,709 I vow that there will be no trial of life, 295 00:20:40,792 --> 00:20:43,667 or test of circumstance through which I will surrender this love 296 00:20:43,750 --> 00:20:46,041 to the convenience of anger or fear. 297 00:20:46,125 --> 00:20:48,333 This I promise you to my last breath. 298 00:20:49,750 --> 00:20:51,875 I choose you, Nippy, to be my husband. 299 00:20:53,375 --> 00:20:54,917 Mazel tov! 300 00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:05,959 We had Allison Mack singing. 301 00:21:06,041 --> 00:21:09,333 ♪ From the cradle to the grave ♪ 302 00:21:09,417 --> 00:21:10,709 ♪ Yeah ♪ 303 00:21:10,792 --> 00:21:12,583 I felt like I was finding it all. 304 00:21:12,667 --> 00:21:14,458 Meaning family... 305 00:21:18,375 --> 00:21:19,834 belonging... 306 00:21:20,166 --> 00:21:21,583 community. 307 00:21:21,667 --> 00:21:24,792 I remember saying to them, "I wanna bring this to Vancouver." 308 00:21:24,875 --> 00:21:27,750 And, and I even told Nancy that, that when I met her, 309 00:21:27,834 --> 00:21:29,917 and she was like, "Well, a lot of people say that, 310 00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:31,583 so, we'll see." 311 00:21:31,667 --> 00:21:33,959 She dared me. I took the dare. 312 00:21:34,041 --> 00:21:36,250 Doubledog dare. 313 00:21:36,333 --> 00:21:37,667 Oh, my God! Ready? Ready? 314 00:21:37,750 --> 00:21:39,375 Yeah. Here we go. 315 00:21:44,041 --> 00:21:46,917 And then we opened the actual center, 316 00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:50,375 and that was a very selfdefining and, and beautiful moment, 317 00:21:50,458 --> 00:21:54,375 because there was a group of us from Vancouver that were, like, 318 00:21:54,458 --> 00:21:57,250 very dedicated young ESPians. 319 00:21:57,333 --> 00:21:58,834 A lot of young people 320 00:21:58,917 --> 00:22:01,709 who were in film and, film and television industry. A lot of actors. 321 00:22:02,542 --> 00:22:04,291 Oh, shit, it's video. 322 00:22:04,375 --> 00:22:06,750 Hi, Nicki. Hi. 323 00:22:06,834 --> 00:22:09,458 Cut. And action. Let's start again. 324 00:22:09,542 --> 00:22:12,041 I feel like the biggest limitation is that 325 00:22:12,125 --> 00:22:15,500 we judge ourselves. 326 00:22:15,583 --> 00:22:16,959 We're all sort of in the same boat, 327 00:22:17,041 --> 00:22:19,291 struggling with our selfesteem, 328 00:22:19,375 --> 00:22:21,542 and body issues, and meaning and purpose. 329 00:22:21,625 --> 00:22:23,166 I'm Kristin, as you know. 330 00:22:23,250 --> 00:22:26,083 Um, I'm excited to work with you guys, and... 331 00:22:26,166 --> 00:22:28,333 I don't know what else to say. 332 00:22:28,417 --> 00:22:31,250 Say hi to Sarah. Hi, Sarah. 333 00:22:31,333 --> 00:22:34,041 How are we contributing 334 00:22:34,125 --> 00:22:37,208 as a society, to the myth of celebrity. 335 00:22:37,291 --> 00:22:40,125 'Cause a lot of things... people seem to be rather caught up in it. 336 00:22:43,750 --> 00:22:45,583 Allie Mack. 337 00:22:46,750 --> 00:22:48,041 When we first started, 338 00:22:48,125 --> 00:22:50,375 she was living the life in Vancouver. 339 00:22:50,458 --> 00:22:52,625 She was a VIP, as they called her. 340 00:22:52,709 --> 00:22:53,834 Come on up. 341 00:23:05,500 --> 00:23:07,542 Before we had the center, 342 00:23:07,625 --> 00:23:09,542 y ou know, we were all going to Tacoma every weekend, 343 00:23:09,625 --> 00:23:10,959 or flying to Albany. 344 00:23:11,041 --> 00:23:12,166 It's quite far. 345 00:23:12,250 --> 00:23:13,709 How it feels having a center? 346 00:23:13,792 --> 00:23:15,709 I think the most extraordinary thing is, 347 00:23:15,792 --> 00:23:18,875 people feel they have a home now. 348 00:23:18,959 --> 00:23:20,333 We were like nomads. 349 00:23:21,709 --> 00:23:24,625 We have worked really hard for this. 350 00:23:24,709 --> 00:23:26,417 For this moment, for this day. 351 00:23:26,500 --> 00:23:28,792 And I don't think that, uh... 352 00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:32,208 I don't think I would be who I am without Mark in my life. 353 00:23:32,291 --> 00:23:33,208 I know that for sure. 354 00:23:37,291 --> 00:23:40,417 I'd like to say something about Proctor Edmondson. 355 00:23:40,500 --> 00:23:43,458 Um, Sarah is, um, 356 00:23:43,542 --> 00:23:46,500 such a shining example of somebody who, 357 00:23:46,583 --> 00:23:48,834 who has a vision in her mind, 358 00:23:48,917 --> 00:23:52,792 and will pursue it relentlessly. Relentlessly. 359 00:23:52,875 --> 00:23:55,625 I can tell you that I would want to be in the trenches with her 360 00:23:55,709 --> 00:23:57,875 in every single endeavor. 361 00:23:57,959 --> 00:23:59,125 So... 362 00:23:59,208 --> 00:24:01,583 I'm all verklempt now. 363 00:24:04,917 --> 00:24:06,458 Extraordinary, extraordinary human being. 364 00:24:06,542 --> 00:24:08,792 And somebody who I respect deeply. 365 00:24:09,333 --> 00:24:11,000 So, thank you. 366 00:24:20,291 --> 00:24:23,000 This is it. 367 00:24:23,083 --> 00:24:27,000 Here's Sarah, one of our center owners. How does it feel? 368 00:24:27,083 --> 00:24:30,375 I am so excited. Vancouver! 369 00:24:31,709 --> 00:24:35,291 There's people signing applications in my office. 370 00:24:35,375 --> 00:24:36,750 It's a dream come true. 371 00:24:36,834 --> 00:24:38,750 How many people did you enroll? 372 00:24:38,834 --> 00:24:41,583 Um, directly and indirectly, over 2,000. 373 00:24:42,959 --> 00:24:44,458 People made jokes. 374 00:24:44,542 --> 00:24:46,625 And they'd be like, "Oh, you go do your cult thing," 375 00:24:46,709 --> 00:24:48,583 or, "How's your cult?" 376 00:24:48,667 --> 00:24:50,000 One more time. Ok, ready? Go! 377 00:24:50,083 --> 00:24:51,792 I would joke, "Well, if this is a cult, 378 00:24:51,875 --> 00:24:55,792 "as in a group of people that have a similar mindset or beliefs, 379 00:24:55,875 --> 00:24:58,917 "it's a cult of happy, successful people, so... 380 00:25:00,709 --> 00:25:02,458 What's the problem?" 381 00:25:11,583 --> 00:25:14,125 Like egg yolks. 382 00:25:24,625 --> 00:25:28,834 His tail is right here. Is that his tail? 383 00:25:28,917 --> 00:25:30,875 Lauren, I made her godmother, 384 00:25:30,959 --> 00:25:33,333 because she didn't have kids of her own, 385 00:25:33,417 --> 00:25:36,333 and we wanted Troy to grow up in the ESP community. 386 00:25:36,417 --> 00:25:38,375 Can you see him? 387 00:25:38,458 --> 00:25:40,458 And we helped each other, and... 388 00:25:40,542 --> 00:25:43,000 Oh! That's so sweet. 389 00:25:43,083 --> 00:25:44,542 Oop, he's running away. 390 00:25:44,625 --> 00:25:47,166 And I felt like I could tell her anything. 391 00:25:47,250 --> 00:25:49,000 Alright, we're gonna go. 392 00:26:16,125 --> 00:26:18,000 Yeah. 393 00:26:21,417 --> 00:26:22,625 Mmhmm. 394 00:26:37,792 --> 00:26:40,917 They gave me my green sash just after I'd given birth to Troy. 395 00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:42,583 Troy was 3 months old. 396 00:26:42,667 --> 00:26:44,667 You were supposed to get promoted every 6 months, 397 00:26:44,750 --> 00:26:48,834 but for 2 and a half years, I didn't get another stripe. 398 00:26:48,917 --> 00:26:53,041 And we were getting pressure from all sides to move to Albany. 399 00:26:53,125 --> 00:26:55,417 I mean, we have the best culture here, 400 00:26:55,500 --> 00:26:57,333 we have the most advanced society here. 401 00:26:57,417 --> 00:26:59,917 This is like the Rome of the modern world, Albany. 402 00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:03,208 Clifton Park in particular. 403 00:27:03,291 --> 00:27:04,959 I never wanted to move there. 404 00:27:05,041 --> 00:27:07,625 But at the same time, I didn't want to stagnate. 405 00:27:07,709 --> 00:27:10,542 Good, babe. 406 00:27:10,625 --> 00:27:13,625 And Nippy never really settled into Vancouver, 407 00:27:13,709 --> 00:27:15,959 and he wasn't particularly happy there. 408 00:27:16,041 --> 00:27:18,333 Boom! So focused. 409 00:27:18,417 --> 00:27:22,458 And he would say, "Well, you know, like, I'm the, I'm head of SOP." 410 00:27:22,542 --> 00:27:25,709 Keith wants me there. 411 00:27:25,792 --> 00:27:28,333 SOP is the Society of Protectors, 412 00:27:28,417 --> 00:27:30,542 w hich was a workshop for the men, 413 00:27:30,625 --> 00:27:32,208 about commitment and honor, 414 00:27:32,291 --> 00:27:35,208 and how to be... be a leader. 415 00:27:37,375 --> 00:27:39,500 Masculinity is a tool. 416 00:27:39,583 --> 00:27:41,959 This is not to say all masculinity is great. 417 00:27:42,041 --> 00:27:45,583 We abuse our power, we trample on women, 418 00:27:45,667 --> 00:27:47,458 we even trample on each other. 419 00:27:47,542 --> 00:27:50,917 We need a group. We need hundreds of thousands. 420 00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:54,166 Millions of men as a voice of honor 421 00:27:54,250 --> 00:27:56,417 so that we can do more in the world. 422 00:27:56,500 --> 00:27:57,834 So we don't have a President... 423 00:27:57,917 --> 00:28:00,959 United States presidential election like the last one. 424 00:28:01,875 --> 00:28:04,417 So we don't have media like we have. 425 00:28:04,500 --> 00:28:06,250 So we don't have politicians, 426 00:28:06,333 --> 00:28:08,250 and things like that like we have. 427 00:28:08,333 --> 00:28:09,625 And are those people bad? 428 00:28:09,709 --> 00:28:12,250 No, but they've been trained badly. 429 00:28:12,333 --> 00:28:15,041 Nippy, SOP spoke to his values 430 00:28:15,125 --> 00:28:16,583 very specifically. 431 00:28:34,750 --> 00:28:36,291 Yeah... this is... 432 00:28:36,834 --> 00:28:37,959 Mmhmm. 433 00:28:46,792 --> 00:28:49,792 Yeah. 434 00:28:54,250 --> 00:28:56,500 Yeah. 435 00:28:57,500 --> 00:28:58,792 But that doesn't... 436 00:29:11,625 --> 00:29:13,000 I mean, I... 437 00:29:39,834 --> 00:29:41,709 And, uh... 438 00:29:43,166 --> 00:29:45,125 Then DOS came around. 439 00:29:53,834 --> 00:29:56,625 Lauren came to Vancouver to do a 5-day. 440 00:29:56,709 --> 00:29:59,375 She said, "I want to tell you about something." 441 00:29:59,458 --> 00:30:01,041 She said it was incredibly cool, 442 00:30:01,125 --> 00:30:02,667 it was incredibly helpful in her life. 443 00:30:02,750 --> 00:30:05,458 "You know, this, this is gonna help you in your relationship. 444 00:30:05,542 --> 00:30:08,417 "This is like why you're stuck in the stripe path. 445 00:30:09,333 --> 00:30:10,959 "This is exactly what you need. 446 00:30:11,041 --> 00:30:13,959 This is what you need to be strong." 447 00:30:14,041 --> 00:30:17,667 She couldn't tell me anything else until I gave her collateral. 448 00:30:19,291 --> 00:30:22,375 And she's like, "It should be something you feel nauseated about." 449 00:30:23,208 --> 00:30:25,000 I'm like, "Like what?" 450 00:30:25,083 --> 00:30:27,792 She's like, "Oh, I don't know. Like, a confession about something bad you did. 451 00:30:27,875 --> 00:30:31,166 "Something that I'll hold forever to make sure that you never 452 00:30:31,250 --> 00:30:33,875 break your vow of secrecy." 453 00:30:34,625 --> 00:30:36,083 And I felt weird about it, 454 00:30:36,166 --> 00:30:38,750 but Lauren, as the head of education, 455 00:30:38,834 --> 00:30:41,166 Nancy's daughter, my best friend, 456 00:30:41,250 --> 00:30:42,333 all these things in my life, 457 00:30:42,417 --> 00:30:44,542 she's telling me that there's something 458 00:30:44,625 --> 00:30:46,917 that's helped her more than anything else. 459 00:30:47,000 --> 00:30:49,083 Like, I'm definitely intrigued. 460 00:30:49,166 --> 00:30:52,291 And collateral was a term that was used 461 00:30:52,375 --> 00:30:54,542 as part of the vernacular. 462 00:30:56,542 --> 00:30:59,083 Commitment has to be collateralized. 463 00:30:59,166 --> 00:31:01,500 I don't say, "Oh, you know, oh, yeah, I give you my word on that." 464 00:31:01,583 --> 00:31:03,250 "Oh, yeah. I give you my word on that. Eh." 465 00:31:03,333 --> 00:31:05,291 No. If I give you my word, 466 00:31:05,375 --> 00:31:08,417 it's collateralized by my whole selfimage. 467 00:31:08,500 --> 00:31:12,500 The more you collateralize your word, the stronger your word becomes. 468 00:31:12,583 --> 00:31:14,875 Your word is your bond. 469 00:31:14,959 --> 00:31:16,625 No excuses. 470 00:31:16,709 --> 00:31:19,250 I'm like, "Well, I don't, I don't have a lot of secrets. 471 00:31:19,333 --> 00:31:21,375 I don't have, like, a dark, sordid past." 472 00:31:21,458 --> 00:31:22,917 She said, "Just make it up." 473 00:31:25,709 --> 00:31:27,959 She videotaped me... I knew I was being filmed, 474 00:31:28,041 --> 00:31:30,208 but we were pretending that I didn't know that. 475 00:31:30,291 --> 00:31:32,500 And I shit-talked my husband, 476 00:31:32,583 --> 00:31:34,166 my mom, my dad, and my brother. 477 00:31:34,250 --> 00:31:37,125 Saying things like, "Nippy's a terrible husband. 478 00:31:37,208 --> 00:31:39,041 Like, he beats our son." 479 00:31:39,125 --> 00:31:42,125 Awful things that have no basis in reality. 480 00:31:50,625 --> 00:31:51,667 Aah! 481 00:31:51,750 --> 00:31:53,792 She gets real excited. 482 00:31:57,875 --> 00:31:59,208 Mmhmm. 483 00:32:02,333 --> 00:32:04,583 You know how Freemasons are out there, 484 00:32:04,667 --> 00:32:06,250 changing the world. You don't know who they are. 485 00:32:06,333 --> 00:32:07,667 They're this force for good in the world. 486 00:32:07,750 --> 00:32:09,667 It's the same thing, but for women. 487 00:32:11,333 --> 00:32:13,417 It's similar to SOP. 488 00:32:13,500 --> 00:32:15,417 Something happens bad to you, 489 00:32:15,500 --> 00:32:17,458 don't you want a bunch of tough people 490 00:32:17,542 --> 00:32:19,250 who can take on the burden, 491 00:32:19,333 --> 00:32:21,583 carry the log, do it with you? 492 00:32:21,667 --> 00:32:25,458 Every time we prove ourselves against comfort, 493 00:32:25,542 --> 00:32:29,208 hmm, we're just... We're tougher. 494 00:32:29,291 --> 00:32:32,208 And I was like, "Well, that sounds pretty cool." 495 00:32:32,291 --> 00:32:34,458 And she said, "It's a vow of obedience, 496 00:32:34,542 --> 00:32:36,625 and a lifetime commitment." 497 00:32:37,834 --> 00:32:40,166 And what made sense to me already is that 498 00:32:40,250 --> 00:32:43,166 Lauren and I have already talked about being 499 00:32:43,250 --> 00:32:45,750 oldage bubbes in matching velour track suits 500 00:32:45,834 --> 00:32:48,458 going for walks in the sea wall in Florida or, like, whatever, 501 00:32:48,542 --> 00:32:51,291 and teaching trainings. Like, we're doing this for the rest of our lives. 502 00:32:51,375 --> 00:32:54,709 So it's a like a heightened level of a coaching relationship. 503 00:32:55,667 --> 00:32:58,625 Which makes sense as she goes into... 504 00:32:58,709 --> 00:33:01,208 "And we call it masterslave." 505 00:33:02,542 --> 00:33:05,500 So what I knew about this point was that Lauren had sisters. 506 00:33:05,583 --> 00:33:07,208 She was part of a pod. 507 00:33:07,291 --> 00:33:10,959 I knew there were other sisters under Lauren. 508 00:33:11,041 --> 00:33:14,417 She said, "One day you'll have slaves. 509 00:33:14,500 --> 00:33:17,709 And you'll have 6 slaves, and then you'll be a grandmaster." 510 00:33:18,542 --> 00:33:20,750 I'm like... Now keep in mind, 511 00:33:20,834 --> 00:33:22,709 every step along the way is totally weird, 512 00:33:22,792 --> 00:33:25,041 just like sashes are weird. 513 00:33:25,125 --> 00:33:26,500 But then Lauren explains it, 514 00:33:26,583 --> 00:33:29,291 and it's, like, a little less weird. 515 00:33:40,083 --> 00:33:43,000 It's like, it's more of a... a metaphor. 516 00:33:43,083 --> 00:33:44,667 It's an exercise. 517 00:33:44,750 --> 00:33:48,458 I said, "Ok. This is bizarre, but I'm in." 518 00:33:48,542 --> 00:33:50,750 And then she said, "Ok, if you're in, then you need to give 519 00:33:50,834 --> 00:33:55,083 more collateral to solidify your agreement." 520 00:33:55,166 --> 00:33:58,458 She's like, "Yeah. Let's... Let's just do a nude photo." 521 00:33:58,542 --> 00:34:01,583 Just for me to have. So I know you're in." 522 00:34:03,417 --> 00:34:04,917 So she has the photo. 523 00:34:05,000 --> 00:34:07,959 She sends it off, and I'm in. 524 00:34:09,500 --> 00:34:12,000 From that point forward, Lauren was my master. 525 00:34:12,083 --> 00:34:14,875 I had to be accountable to her all the time. 526 00:34:21,750 --> 00:34:23,917 I had daily contact with her a few times a day. 527 00:34:24,000 --> 00:34:27,333 Before this, months would go by when I hadn't heard from her. 528 00:34:29,208 --> 00:34:30,875 It felt... 529 00:34:30,959 --> 00:34:32,834 I felt special to be, 530 00:34:32,917 --> 00:34:35,875 to be coached and mentored closely by her. 531 00:34:35,959 --> 00:34:38,208 I said, "Well, it's Lauren, and I love her, 532 00:34:38,291 --> 00:34:41,250 and I get to spend time with her." 533 00:34:41,333 --> 00:34:43,792 And I knew I was part of a pod but I didn't know who they were yet, 534 00:34:43,875 --> 00:34:45,125 'cause I hadn't met them. 535 00:34:47,166 --> 00:34:49,583 I basically was in for 6 weeks 536 00:34:49,667 --> 00:34:52,375 when Lauren asked me to go to Albany 537 00:34:52,458 --> 00:34:54,458 for an initiation ceremony. 538 00:34:54,542 --> 00:34:56,291 I got on the phone with her about something, 539 00:34:56,375 --> 00:34:58,417 and I asked how she was doing. She's like, "I'm great. 540 00:34:58,500 --> 00:35:01,291 "I've lost a lot of weight since you were here last thanks to DOS, 541 00:35:01,375 --> 00:35:03,208 and I'm, I'm down at my goal weight." 542 00:35:03,291 --> 00:35:07,375 And I said, "What is your goal weight?" It was like 103 or 104. 543 00:35:07,458 --> 00:35:10,959 Lauren lost 20 pounds in 6 weeks. 544 00:35:13,375 --> 00:35:15,959 So we get there, and, um, 545 00:35:16,041 --> 00:35:17,500 as a part of the initiation ceremony, 546 00:35:17,583 --> 00:35:19,917 you get a tattoo that, like, all the sisters have, 547 00:35:20,000 --> 00:35:23,291 and that we'll all know that we have it, and it's really cool. 548 00:35:38,709 --> 00:35:41,750 And that night, Nippy drops me off. 549 00:35:41,834 --> 00:35:43,834 I told him I had a meeting with Lauren. 550 00:35:48,125 --> 00:35:50,166 And Lauren, she was like, "Oh, my God, 551 00:35:50,250 --> 00:35:51,834 I'm so excited. This is actually happening." 552 00:35:51,917 --> 00:35:53,333 And like she was all, "Aah! Oh!" 553 00:35:53,417 --> 00:35:55,291 You know. And she brings me upstairs. We hug. 554 00:35:55,375 --> 00:35:57,291 She brings me to her guest room, 555 00:35:57,375 --> 00:35:59,125 and says, "Take off your clothes, 556 00:35:59,208 --> 00:36:02,333 and I'll be right... I'll be back in a little bit." 557 00:36:02,417 --> 00:36:05,375 Then she came back, gave me a blindfold. 558 00:36:06,917 --> 00:36:09,458 I could feel, like, there were other people around me. 559 00:36:10,750 --> 00:36:12,041 And then she said, 560 00:36:12,125 --> 00:36:14,000 "Ok, sisters. Take off your blindfolds." 561 00:36:14,083 --> 00:36:16,834 And we took our blindfolds off and I saw who I was sitting with. 562 00:36:16,917 --> 00:36:19,166 Now, I'm sitting buck naked, 563 00:36:19,250 --> 00:36:20,875 crosslegged on a sheepskin rug 564 00:36:20,959 --> 00:36:22,583 with 4 other women who I know, 565 00:36:22,667 --> 00:36:24,625 and I've known... some of them I've known for, for years. 566 00:36:24,709 --> 00:36:26,500 And we're all like, "Oh, my God. This is so weird." 567 00:36:26,583 --> 00:36:28,166 And she's like, "Guys, it's just your bodies. 568 00:36:28,250 --> 00:36:29,834 You have to get over your issues." 569 00:36:29,917 --> 00:36:31,834 So we're like, you know. 570 00:36:33,917 --> 00:36:36,375 We piled into her car, put blindfolds on again, 571 00:36:36,458 --> 00:36:38,750 drove somewhere where it's supposed to be top secret. 572 00:36:38,834 --> 00:36:41,834 But I cheated and looked out of the bottom of my bandanna, 573 00:36:41,917 --> 00:36:43,917 and saw that we were at Allison Mack's house. 574 00:36:47,750 --> 00:36:49,458 So now I know Allie's involved. 575 00:36:50,125 --> 00:36:51,750 And at that point, 576 00:36:51,834 --> 00:36:53,959 for the first time, Lauren showed us her brand. 577 00:36:54,667 --> 00:36:56,959 It's not a tattoo. 578 00:36:57,041 --> 00:36:59,000 And I just was really freaked out. 579 00:37:01,166 --> 00:37:04,625 It's a fucking medical procedure without anesthetic. 580 00:37:06,291 --> 00:37:08,208 And the first person lay down on the table, 581 00:37:08,291 --> 00:37:10,417 and they started to draw a line in her flesh 582 00:37:10,500 --> 00:37:12,375 with a cauterizing iron. 583 00:37:12,458 --> 00:37:15,834 And her flesh started to burn and smoke and sizzle. 584 00:37:15,917 --> 00:37:18,125 We had to hold her down. 585 00:37:18,208 --> 00:37:22,208 We were crying, we were shaking, we were holding each other. 586 00:37:22,291 --> 00:37:25,333 One of my other sisters and I were looking at each other, like... 587 00:37:26,792 --> 00:37:28,834 "What the fuck? Like, where the fuck are we? 588 00:37:28,917 --> 00:37:30,625 How did we get here?" 589 00:37:32,542 --> 00:37:34,750 I don't want to do this. 590 00:37:34,834 --> 00:37:36,750 I was just thinking, "How the fuck am I gonna get out? 591 00:37:36,834 --> 00:37:38,417 How the fuck am I gonna get out of here?" 592 00:37:38,500 --> 00:37:40,291 I was even thinking about texting Nippy and saying like, 593 00:37:40,375 --> 00:37:43,250 "Hey. I think I'm at Allison Mack's house. 594 00:37:43,333 --> 00:37:46,041 I'm naked. Help me." 595 00:37:46,125 --> 00:37:47,542 Each person took 30 minutes. 596 00:37:47,625 --> 00:37:50,375 So I had 2 hours of watching other people get branded. 597 00:37:50,458 --> 00:37:52,500 And they weren't doing well. They were squirming, 598 00:37:52,583 --> 00:37:55,500 they were crying, they were twitching, they were sweating. 599 00:37:55,583 --> 00:37:57,750 And at one point, Lauren pulled me aside and said, "You're green. 600 00:37:57,834 --> 00:38:01,375 You need, you need to show them how to do this." 601 00:38:04,000 --> 00:38:05,500 Everything in my body was going, 602 00:38:05,583 --> 00:38:07,250 "Don't do this. Don't do this. Get the fuck out. 603 00:38:07,333 --> 00:38:08,625 This is not a good thing to do." 604 00:38:08,709 --> 00:38:10,583 The other part of me is going, 605 00:38:10,667 --> 00:38:13,834 "I'm a fucking pussy. I gotta be strong." 606 00:38:13,917 --> 00:38:16,333 I am feeling the most fear I've ever felt in my life. 607 00:38:16,417 --> 00:38:17,834 I sat down before my turn. I'm like, 608 00:38:17,917 --> 00:38:20,375 "Lauren, I don't want this thing on my body." 609 00:38:20,458 --> 00:38:22,542 "But what's the worst part? What does it mean?" 610 00:38:22,625 --> 00:38:24,625 What does it mean to be afraid? 611 00:38:24,709 --> 00:38:27,792 And she was literally EMing me just before I got branded. 612 00:38:27,875 --> 00:38:30,667 What's the worst thing that can happen? 613 00:38:30,750 --> 00:38:33,208 I disassociated out of my body. 614 00:38:34,917 --> 00:38:36,375 And I lay on the table, 615 00:38:36,458 --> 00:38:39,291 and I just, like, triggered a state of love. 616 00:38:39,375 --> 00:38:42,959 And I just thought about my son. 617 00:38:43,041 --> 00:38:46,709 Then I thought about the moment when I was actually giving birth to him. 618 00:38:46,792 --> 00:38:49,000 And all the other women were like, "Oh, my God. 619 00:38:49,083 --> 00:38:50,959 Sarah didn't even move." 620 00:38:51,041 --> 00:38:52,291 Then I open my eyes, 621 00:38:52,375 --> 00:38:55,000 and there's Lauren staring at me lovingly. 622 00:39:11,250 --> 00:39:13,583 I came out of that, being, like... 623 00:39:13,667 --> 00:39:15,792 "Holy fuck. I did it." 624 00:39:15,875 --> 00:39:17,625 I can do anything. 625 00:39:25,583 --> 00:39:27,208 Mmhmm. Mmhmm. 626 00:39:32,667 --> 00:39:35,041 No. 627 00:39:36,542 --> 00:39:39,667 I was, I was dying to tell him, and I remember just, 628 00:39:39,750 --> 00:39:41,500 he had, like, you know, I said, like, 629 00:39:41,583 --> 00:39:42,875 "I had a great meeting," or something. 630 00:39:42,959 --> 00:39:44,542 "Oh, yeah?" Like, he wasn't engaged. 631 00:39:44,625 --> 00:39:47,041 And I wanted to tell him, like, "I'm so strong." 632 00:39:47,125 --> 00:39:49,625 Like, "You'd never be able to do what I just did." 633 00:39:57,500 --> 00:39:59,792 Lauren told me to start 634 00:39:59,875 --> 00:40:02,750 making a list of people that I wanted to do this with. 635 00:40:02,834 --> 00:40:05,667 Like, at this point, I already had one slave, 636 00:40:05,750 --> 00:40:08,417 and I'm like saying to Lauren, "What do I do with her?" 637 00:40:08,500 --> 00:40:11,417 And I found out, like, her other slaves were doing errands for her, 638 00:40:11,500 --> 00:40:13,542 and like helping her around the house, and like, 639 00:40:13,625 --> 00:40:16,542 whatever needed to be done. Foot rubs. 640 00:40:18,291 --> 00:40:21,583 And then at some point, she said, "Yeah, we need new collateral." 641 00:40:21,667 --> 00:40:23,208 I was like, "What?" 642 00:40:23,291 --> 00:40:24,834 It was like, "We need new collateral every month, 643 00:40:24,917 --> 00:40:26,583 to strengthen your word every month." 644 00:40:26,667 --> 00:40:27,959 She's like, "You know, like the deed to your home." 645 00:40:28,041 --> 00:40:29,417 I'm like, "What do you mean, the deed to your home?" 646 00:40:29,500 --> 00:40:30,875 Like, "That's not how it works." 647 00:40:30,959 --> 00:40:32,500 She's like, "You take the, 648 00:40:32,583 --> 00:40:34,125 "you know, the paperwork, 649 00:40:34,208 --> 00:40:36,917 and you go to a lawyer and get it notarized." 650 00:40:38,625 --> 00:40:40,083 I had a lot of questions. 651 00:40:40,166 --> 00:40:42,458 Like, who holds my collateral? 652 00:40:42,542 --> 00:40:44,041 Everything was, "You don't need to know. 653 00:40:44,125 --> 00:40:46,667 That's your control issues." 654 00:40:46,750 --> 00:40:49,291 It's not what I signed up for. 655 00:40:49,375 --> 00:40:51,041 The whole "not what I signed up for" 656 00:40:51,125 --> 00:40:52,625 doesn't hold weight, though, because 657 00:40:52,709 --> 00:40:54,875 I am at cause. I chose... everything that happened 658 00:40:54,959 --> 00:40:58,417 in this situation with DOS, I chose. 659 00:40:58,500 --> 00:41:00,417 I, I chose to be involved. 660 00:41:00,500 --> 00:41:01,917 I chose to be committed. 661 00:41:02,000 --> 00:41:03,959 I chose to make a vow of obedience to her. 662 00:41:04,041 --> 00:41:06,458 So now I've gotta do whatever she asks. 663 00:41:09,709 --> 00:41:12,083 Lauren started sending me screen shots of women 664 00:41:12,166 --> 00:41:15,417 in my organization in Vancouver through Facebook. 665 00:41:15,500 --> 00:41:17,792 Like, "What about this girl? What about this girl?" 666 00:41:17,875 --> 00:41:21,834 All beautiful, skinny girls. 667 00:41:21,917 --> 00:41:24,542 Like it became, enroll, enroll, enroll, enroll. 668 00:41:24,625 --> 00:41:26,750 Recruit, recruit, recruit. 669 00:41:26,834 --> 00:41:28,792 Slaves to get slaves to get slaves. 670 00:41:28,875 --> 00:41:33,333 Check in every day with who's on your list. 671 00:41:33,417 --> 00:41:34,959 Have they given collateral for first, 672 00:41:35,041 --> 00:41:36,291 or have they given collateral for second? 673 00:41:39,709 --> 00:41:42,000 Most of the other masters, when recruiting, were just like, 674 00:41:42,083 --> 00:41:44,792 "Let's just go in the bathroom and like I'll take a photo of your tits." 675 00:41:46,709 --> 00:41:51,083 There were so many things that were not ok, 676 00:41:51,166 --> 00:41:53,417 in a very short period of time. 677 00:41:54,625 --> 00:41:56,792 I'm putting things together. 678 00:42:20,041 --> 00:42:22,709 The symbol was not a symbol for the elements 679 00:42:22,792 --> 00:42:24,625 or whatever bullshit they told us. 680 00:42:25,583 --> 00:42:27,542 I just looked in the mirror, 681 00:42:27,625 --> 00:42:29,917 and saw, like, you know when a, a picture pops up 682 00:42:30,000 --> 00:42:32,083 and one of those, like, paintings with, like, the thing emerges, 683 00:42:32,166 --> 00:42:35,000 and you're like, "Oh, that's what it is. It's a turtle," or whatever. 684 00:42:35,083 --> 00:42:37,083 It was like, whoosh, "A.M." 685 00:42:37,166 --> 00:42:39,291 I was like, "Oh, my God." 686 00:42:42,625 --> 00:42:45,709 And I think it's a brand of Allison Mack's initials. 687 00:42:45,792 --> 00:42:48,208 And I knew that I was in her home when I got branded, 688 00:42:48,291 --> 00:42:51,667 so it seems like Allie Mack's the top of this thing. 689 00:42:52,709 --> 00:42:54,542 And I showed my slave. 690 00:42:54,625 --> 00:42:57,125 And I said, "Do you wanna see what you're supposed to get?" 691 00:42:57,959 --> 00:42:59,917 And she was like, "Look." 692 00:43:01,583 --> 00:43:04,542 You had to turn your head to the side. 693 00:43:04,625 --> 00:43:08,000 It's a brand of Keith's initials, and Allison Mack's. 694 00:43:09,875 --> 00:43:12,542 And I was like, "What the fuck?" 695 00:44:58,000 --> 00:44:59,667 I wasn't brought in for Keith. 696 00:44:59,750 --> 00:45:01,125 What, what holds us back 697 00:45:01,208 --> 00:45:04,667 from being the most awesome you that you can be? 698 00:45:04,750 --> 00:45:06,458 What do you think? Fear. 699 00:45:06,542 --> 00:45:10,417 Fear. Correct, yeah. What, what else? 700 00:45:10,500 --> 00:45:12,500 I was brought in as a recruitment tool. 701 00:45:22,875 --> 00:45:23,917 Yeah. 702 00:45:34,041 --> 00:45:35,458 Is that why? 703 00:46:18,250 --> 00:46:19,542 Yeah. 704 00:46:37,709 --> 00:46:40,792 Mark told me, um, Sarah got branded. 705 00:46:40,875 --> 00:46:43,792 And I was like, "What?" Like, "What is going on?" 706 00:46:43,875 --> 00:46:45,500 At first, I was kind of like, "Sarah, what are you doing?" 707 00:46:45,583 --> 00:46:49,875 I didn't nec... I didn't think Keith was part of it. 708 00:46:57,542 --> 00:47:01,125 In my mind, I was blaming Bonnie. 709 00:47:01,208 --> 00:47:05,125 But Bonnie had seen Keith for who he really is. 710 00:47:05,208 --> 00:47:08,709 And I've been out there peddling this fuckin' shit for however many years? 711 00:47:23,750 --> 00:47:27,166 Um, pissed and scared. 712 00:47:27,250 --> 00:47:29,125 Mostly scared. 713 00:47:30,458 --> 00:47:33,125 'Cause there's also the component of like... 714 00:47:37,083 --> 00:47:39,250 If this isn't true, like, what I was doing, 715 00:47:39,333 --> 00:47:42,417 but, like, how do I not... What, what's real? 716 00:47:46,667 --> 00:47:50,166 You know, they think it's noble to not let the fear conduct 717 00:47:50,250 --> 00:47:51,834 and inform their decisions. 718 00:47:51,917 --> 00:47:54,417 I'm like, look, if a bus is coming, 719 00:47:54,500 --> 00:47:56,291 you need to get the fuck outta the way. 720 00:47:56,375 --> 00:47:58,375 Fear is not a bad thing. 721 00:47:58,458 --> 00:48:00,500 It's a warning sign. 722 00:48:13,291 --> 00:48:14,792 I'm not... 723 00:48:48,166 --> 00:48:49,959 What if you're wrong? 724 00:49:41,375 --> 00:49:43,333 Right. 725 00:50:04,709 --> 00:50:06,083 Mmhmm. 726 00:50:15,458 --> 00:50:16,750 Troy: Mommy! 727 00:50:19,083 --> 00:50:20,458 Ok. 728 00:50:30,792 --> 00:50:31,917 Nippy? 729 00:50:52,375 --> 00:50:54,625 And I think it's good... I think it's good... 730 00:51:26,750 --> 00:51:29,291 Our relationships are the place where we 731 00:51:29,375 --> 00:51:31,667 learn to be human. 732 00:52:12,834 --> 00:52:15,333 In what capacity? 733 00:52:19,208 --> 00:52:21,250 No. 734 00:52:22,500 --> 00:52:24,458 'Cause ultimately I think I did. 735 00:52:24,542 --> 00:52:26,709 I mean, if I had known things sooner, 736 00:52:26,792 --> 00:52:28,458 and didn't do anything, yeah, obviously. 737 00:52:28,542 --> 00:52:31,458 But, I... It just... The thing happened underneath my nose. 738 00:52:31,542 --> 00:52:34,792 I trusted Lauren. I trusted this whole thing. 739 00:52:34,875 --> 00:52:36,917 We're talking about building strength. 740 00:52:37,000 --> 00:52:39,625 Let's say you're 23, 24 right now. 741 00:52:39,709 --> 00:52:43,500 And you're the kind of person who wants to do good. 742 00:52:43,583 --> 00:52:44,959 Where would you go? 743 00:52:45,041 --> 00:52:47,333 You'd trust our legal system for that? 744 00:52:47,417 --> 00:52:49,834 Do you trust our political system for that? 745 00:53:24,375 --> 00:53:27,166 Responsibility exists whether you see it or not. 746 00:53:27,250 --> 00:53:28,667 Responsibility is the physics, 747 00:53:28,750 --> 00:53:30,667 the interconnectedness of all things. 748 00:53:30,750 --> 00:53:33,750 You can try to deny it, but that's your stupidity. 749 00:53:33,834 --> 00:53:35,000 Write an excuse. 750 00:53:35,083 --> 00:53:36,917 Prove to me you're impotent. 751 00:53:38,041 --> 00:53:39,208 Blame someone, 752 00:53:39,291 --> 00:53:41,500 now you show me that, that you've been dominated 753 00:53:41,583 --> 00:53:42,750 and you're a victim. 754 00:53:47,083 --> 00:53:48,834 I was the jackass. 755 00:53:49,959 --> 00:53:52,417 And once you can reconcile what you did, 756 00:53:52,500 --> 00:53:54,250 how you did it, 757 00:53:54,333 --> 00:53:57,458 the next step is pretty clear. You fix it. 758 00:54:02,917 --> 00:54:05,417 Let me get a butterfly kiss. 759 00:54:11,166 --> 00:54:13,208 Oh, my God, I didn't realize it's 4:28. 760 00:54:13,291 --> 00:54:15,250 I gotta run. Ok. 761 00:54:22,250 --> 00:54:24,041 I remember one of the things that happened 762 00:54:24,125 --> 00:54:26,875 when I was first in ESP, I was driving like in a situation like this, 763 00:54:26,959 --> 00:54:28,792 and, like, got a little road rage with someone, 764 00:54:28,875 --> 00:54:31,542 and there was, like, there was a coach 765 00:54:31,625 --> 00:54:32,875 in the back. 766 00:54:32,959 --> 00:54:35,500 And he was like, "Sarah... 767 00:54:35,583 --> 00:54:38,166 "You're an ambassador for humanity now. 768 00:54:39,250 --> 00:54:41,250 "You're not allowed to express 769 00:54:41,333 --> 00:54:43,625 that kind of emotion." 770 00:54:45,834 --> 00:54:48,041 Oh, man. So complicated. 771 00:54:53,333 --> 00:54:54,834 Mmm... 772 00:54:55,792 --> 00:54:57,709 Been waiting to do that for a long time. 773 00:55:52,500 --> 00:55:53,792 Ok? 774 00:56:20,500 --> 00:56:21,917 You ok? 775 00:56:30,291 --> 00:56:31,625 I'm not ok. 776 00:56:31,709 --> 00:56:33,917 I feel that. I feel it. 777 00:56:35,291 --> 00:56:37,834 Everything feels like my fault right now. 778 00:56:39,625 --> 00:56:41,667 I think it's like, I feel like... 779 00:56:41,750 --> 00:56:43,834 you know, 'cause all these people came through us, you know? 780 00:56:47,041 --> 00:56:49,917 We brought them in, we had to take 'em out. 781 00:56:54,542 --> 00:56:56,500 ♪ Help me ♪ 782 00:56:57,667 --> 00:57:01,792 ♪ I'm lost in a memory ♪ 783 00:57:02,500 --> 00:57:06,542 ♪ I saw what it could be ♪ 784 00:57:07,625 --> 00:57:11,625 ♪ But that was a dream ♪ 785 00:57:15,125 --> 00:57:17,583 ♪ You broke my heart ♪ 786 00:57:17,667 --> 00:57:19,750 ♪ I fell through the night ♪ 787 00:57:19,834 --> 00:57:23,792 ♪ But I found myself ♪ 788 00:57:25,125 --> 00:57:27,625 ♪ You broke my heart ♪ 789 00:57:27,709 --> 00:57:29,542 ♪ I fell through the night ♪ 790 00:57:29,625 --> 00:57:33,500 ♪ But I found myself ♪ 791 00:57:34,333 --> 00:57:40,291 ♪ Grace is waking me quietly ♪ 792 00:57:42,834 --> 00:57:46,709 ♪ Just as it should be ♪ 793 00:57:47,917 --> 00:57:51,542 ♪ Washing me clean ♪ 794 00:58:12,542 --> 00:58:13,834 When I realized how many women 795 00:58:13,917 --> 00:58:15,625 that I'd brought to the community, 796 00:58:15,834 --> 00:58:17,625 I mean that was a whole different level of, 797 00:58:17,709 --> 00:58:19,000 "What the fuck?" 798 00:58:21,041 --> 00:58:23,792 I felt like India was my little sister. 799 00:58:23,875 --> 00:58:25,291 I believe India's in danger, 800 00:58:25,375 --> 00:58:26,583 so I got in touch with Catherine. 801 00:58:27,083 --> 00:58:29,417 This is not anything that my child would do. 802 00:58:31,834 --> 00:58:33,083 It's easy for people to say 803 00:58:33,166 --> 00:58:34,875 "This is all bad," or, "This is all good." 804 00:58:35,208 --> 00:58:36,917 I wanted to believe he was good. 805 00:58:37,208 --> 00:58:39,041 And he would always ask, "What do I want?" 806 00:58:39,125 --> 00:58:42,500 That was when it became about control. 807 00:58:42,583 --> 00:58:45,625 This organization has taken my child. 808 00:58:45,709 --> 00:58:48,750 I will do whatever it takes to get her back.